Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 21 - I'll Be Seeing You: Part 1 - full transcript
Sam tries to pass off quickly to Diane the fact that he was interviewed for Boston Magazine's article on the 20 Most Eligible Bachelors. Diane is livid. Sam and Diane are close to the breaking point in their relationship and this article may be the nail in the coffin. Sam knows that it will take a highly romantic gesture on his part to placate Diane and to save their relationship. Carla suggests he have a portrait of Diane painted. Cliff knows a renowned painter who lives along his postal route. Phillip Semenko ends up being a temperamental bohemian artiste, where the art is more important than money. Upon meeting, Semenko takes an instant dislike to Neanderthal Sam, and the feeling is mutual. Just as Semenko is about ready to leave the bar, he runs into Diane, of whom he immediately feels the need to paint a portrait. She knows his work and is in awe. When Sam finds out, an argument ensues between Sam and Diane and he threatens to break off their relationship if she goes off with Semenko. Although she concedes to Sam, she ultimately decides to go off with Semenko since she feels that Sam will understand once the painting is completed. Will he understand?
"Cheers" is filmed before
a live studio audience.
O.k., please,
everybody, listen up.
It's time once again
for the third annual
cheers picnic.
Now, I'm going
to need volunteers
for these various committees.
First, food. Now
who will volunteer
to take care of the grub?
Well, what the heck?
I... I can do this
one. Ernie pantuso.
I did a pretty
good job last year.
At least no one complained.
This brings us to the
entertainment committee.
Who wants to chair this baby?
Well... entertainment
goes right along with food.
Ernie pantuso.
We'll need two captains
for the softball teams.
Two. Uh... Come on.
A show of hands, huh?
Well, I can handle one team.
Ernie pantuso.
O.k., so... Who wants the other?
One more.
Well, uh, I'm going to be
out there on the field anyway,
so... ernie pantuso.
Oh, and last but not least,
I need somebody to
head up transportation.
I got it.
Ernie pantuso.
Now, there'll be a meeting
of committee chairmen
at my house tonight at 8:00.
Please, everybody,
try to be on time, huh?
♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Hey, everybody, sorry I'm late.
Hi, Sam.
Where have you been?
Well, I had to
run a few errands.
Oh... funny thing happened
to me this afternoon.
I was on my way
to Boston magazine
to be interviewed as one of the
20 most eligible bachelors in the city
when I saw this
man walking a dog.
Now, the funny thing is the
dog wasn't walking like a dog.
He was walking like a
man up on his hind legs.
Where's a camera
when you need one?
O.k., enough jokes.
Back to work.
20 most eligible bachelors?
What's that?
Boston magazine?
And you let them list you?
Well, if I hadn't, I would've
missed that funny dog.
You'll dine out on that
story there, Sammy.
Yeah.
Why do you want them
to list you as an
eligible bachelor?
Isn't that for men who are actively
seeking female companionship?
No. Not entirely. No, no.
It's just good publicity
for the bar, that's all.
Besides, it gave me a chance
to air some of my
views on political issues.
What political issues
did you air views on?
I told them I thought nuclear
war would be bad news.
Oh, Sam, you've stirred
up a hornet's nest there.
Really? Well, uh...
I can always say
I was misquoted.
Oh, I see, when they
say eligible bachelors,
they mean eligible
for a brain transplant.
I knew it!
I knew you'd make
a big deal out of this.
You make a big
deal out of everything.
Come on, all it was was a little
article on my life, my interests,
and a simple picture of me.
It wasn't like it
was cheesecake.
No, Sam. With
men, it's beefcake.
If I posed, it would
be cheesecake.
If you posed, it
would be crumb cake.
Sam...
I'm very hurt by this.
Oh, don't be.
All right, I'll tell you something right
now that's gonna make you feel better.
I wanted it to be
a surprise, but...
When I was talking to
that lady reporter, I said,
"yeah, I may be a
bachelor, but it so happens
"I've already found the
woman of my dreams,
and her name is Diane chambers."
Really, Sam?
That's very sweet.
Call and check.
Her name's Helen
costello. She's still there.
I don't have to call.
I believe you.
I trust you.
I think that was a
wonderful thing to do.
Yeah. Me, too.
She bought that?
I'd like to sell her
the old north church.
Good luck.
I owned that once.
It took me forever to unload it.
Boy, did I take a bath on that!
Boy, I really did it this time.
What are you worried about?
She already bought the story.
When the magazine
hits the stands,
just tell her it's
not your fault.
See, the reporter didn't
mention your sweetie.
Yeah, foolproof.
At best I'm just buying time.
She said she wouldn't
call, but she'll call.
There was a time when
she wouldn't have called,
but now, she'll call.
You don't trust Diane very much.
Coach, it's gotten to the point
where I can't trust a
thing that woman says.
I know what you mean.
Once the trust goes
out of a relationship,
it's really no fun
lying to them anymore.
It's not my fault.
You know, she
always starts things...
Telling me how to walk,
how to act,
how to think.
Yeah. You've been
doing those things
since you were what... 14?
You know, it's
gotten to the point
where I start doing things
I don't even want to do,
but just knowing it'll tick
her off, I got to do them.
The more I think it's
gonna drive her crazier,
the happier I get.
Is that weird?
No, no. We know the woman.
Sammy, I think it's time
for a romantic gesture,
like a little trinket
to smooth the water.
No, I've done all
that stuff before.
I tell ya, it's gonna
take a lot more
than music and
a candlelit dinner
to shut her up this time.
Sam, listen...
I'm telling you, it's time
for you to take a big step.
Now, I wouldn't say
this ordinarily to anyone
in a million years.
But you know what might help?
If you actually had
physical relations with her.
I... I don't think so, coach.
I think we're both going to wait
until we're sure how
we feel about each other.
You're a good
old-fashioned guy, Sam.
All right, you want to hear
the most romantic thing I
heard a guy do in a long time?
What?
Well, I heard that
Sally got mad at Burt
because she heard
he was going to do
another movie with loni.
So Burt, to make up for it,
had someone paint
a portrait of Sally.
Thank you very much
for that enlightenment, Carla.
Now, we can knock off
with the fan magazine drivel.
I read yesterday
that Burt and Sally
are headed for the altar.
You know, that's not such a
bad idea, having a portrait done.
I mean, she'd like
that kind of thing.
Refill, Sam.
Yeah, it shows some thinking.
It's sensitive. It's personal.
The altar?
How can Burt do that
with the terrible secret
he and dinah still share?
Hey, whoa. Do you mind
here? Carla, come on.
Now, what kind of artist
should I get to paint Diane?
Better get a bad one. Why?
You don't want it to
look like her, do you?
You know, your
wisecracks all the time
don't make things any easier.
Come on, Sam. You
know my philosophy.
If you can't say something nice,
say it about Diane.
Come on, help me out here.
W-Where do you
go to find an artist?
What, do you go to
a store or something?
Store. Come on, Sam.
We're not talking
about TV dinners here.
We're talking about artists.
You got to go to
where the artists are,
you know, to an artist... Place.
What's that terrible secret
Burt and dinah share?
I can't tell you.
In a reader's poll, I voted
they should have more privacy.
Hey, listen, fellas, Sam,
can I put this all in
check for a minute?
Now, I happen to
be a wonderful artist.
I'd just love to do
a picture of Diane.
I'd consider it a challenge
and I'd welcome it.
You never told me
about this talent.
Sure. Here. Let me show you.
Norm, just hold
it like that, please.
Stinks.
Yeah, it does.
Ooh, I just remembered.
It was my brother that
had all the artistic talent.
Yeah, now I remember.
My talent is eating
things that aren't food.
Can we get back to
this art thing, please?
Oh, yeah, I deliver
mail to an artist.
He's very
successful artist, too.
I'll tell you how
successful he is.
Yesterday he received a letter,
had a check in it for $25,853
from a guy named sweeney.
How do you know
what was on the check?
When I was
putting it in the slot,
it happened to pass in
front of a 300-watt bulb.
You want me to get on
the horn, get him in here?
Yeah, I guess I could talk to
him. You think he'd come down
and bring some of his pictures?
Sure, I'll give it a shot.
I usually hesitate to use
the power vested in me
by the post office
and the almighty,
but in this case, I'll
make an exception.
Anybody got a dime?
Whoa, whoa. Wait a second.
Maybe this whole
thing's about to blow over.
Sam?
Yeah?
We've been very
childish in the past.
We have?
Yes. Over things like
this magazine article.
I was just about to call that
reporter to check your story,
but I didn't. I'm
so proud I didn't.
Me, too.
I know we're not perfect,
and we're going through
a difficult time, but...
I just decided this
is the perfect time
to start fresh.
Let's...
Cleanse our relationship.
From this moment on,
no more pettiness,
no more suspicions,
no more dishonesty.
You really mean this, don't you?
I really do.
O.k. O.K., Diane.
Yeah, I'll start being
honest with you right now.
You know how I told you
how I told that
reporter all about you?
I didn't tell her
anything about you.
I see.
But I wish I had.
Thank you for
respecting me enough
to tell the truth.
Actually I... i'm lying again,
because I'm glad
I didn't tell her.
It would've made
me look whipped.
If you want me
to get on that
telephone and tell her...
I won't.
I was about to say
I would, but I won't.
The truth is that I like
having millions of women
looking at my picture
and dreaming, "I want him."
This is just me being
honest with you here.
That's exactly what I wanted.
Well, this is
great. This is great.
Why didn't we do this sooner?
I don't know.
You see how if you start
telling the truth right away...
Sammy, I'll make
that phone call, huh?
You kids just carry on
with what you're doing there.
Hey, coach, someone
just put their names
on your picnic sign-up sheet.
No kidding. How many?
Uh, three.
We got Ziggy
stardust, the mad hatter,
and Clark Kent.
Wow, looks like I
got myself an infield.
Hey, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
How you feeling, norm?
Naked without my beer.
Walked all the way over here
dragging my thirst behind me.
So how was dinner, norm?
Listen up, everybody.
Stay away from that, uh...
Hungry heifer place,
that new place downtown.
Yeah, but they've been
advertising that a lot. No good?
No. It's awful. Served
me a terrible piece of meat,
tough potatoes.
Soggy vegetables.
Why didn't you send it back?
Here's another thing.
The service stinks.
By the time the waiter got there
and asked if everything
was o.K., I was through.
Can I help you?
I have come to pander
to the tastes of the tasteless.
You want to head
the food committee.
We got our chairman
for the food committee!
Yeah, I like my buffalo
sunny-side up there, chief.
You referring to my apparel?
Hey, no offense
there, little beaver,
but it is a tad...
A tad out of the
mundane, you know?
Excuse me, sir, but
what is that outfit?
This is an arapaho
ceremonial tunic
worn by the village elders
when they hold council
in the hunting lodge.
I earned it by letting
them Pierce my flesh
with wild Turkey quills.
This is a jc penney
wash 'n' wear,
tapered tails.
Salesman was a little nasty,
but I didn't have to go
through anything like that.
I'm looking for Sam Malone.
I was told he was interested
in buying some of my work.
You must be Phillip
semenko, huh?
I'm cliff clavin, your mailman.
We finally meet face-to-face.
I can die now.
Yeah, you got a
great wit about you.
Thanks for stopping by.
I don't like to be touched.
Hey, I can grok that.
I don't like to be
touched either.
I bet neither one of you
has to tell that
to a lot of people.
Here's the connoisseur now.
Sam! Our artist friend
Mr. Semenko is here.
Hi. I'm Sam Malone.
Mr. Smetma...
Uh... smok... semekama...
That walking fire
hydrant over there
told me you were a man
of taste and intelligence.
I see no evidence of that.
Well, maybe he's
exaggerating a little bit.
See, actually I'm
new to this art thing,
but I've heard a lot of
good things about you.
And I think you
may be just the guy
to get me out of the doghouse
with my girlfriend here
by painting a
little picture of her.
I don't care how you do this.
As long as you make
it look exactly like her
and if you can have it here by
tomorrow, that would be great.
I've got some snapshots here I
took while we up in the mountains.
That's her on the left there.
These were taken
up in New Hampshire.
We got this little
cabin... How about that?
I'm wearing the funny
hat there in that one.
This one's pretty good.
This was shot up in
the cabin right there.
You ever get up that way?
I, uh... I guess not.
It is o.K. If you hold
these by the edges.
Is there a problem here?
Your existence!
I was told I was coming here
to meet a wealthy art investor
who could fill my coffers.
No, I'm not above that... Yet.
Instead I find
myself face-to-face
with a nightmarish product
of our floundering
American educational system.
Hey, hey. I don't have
to take that... Do I?
Why don't we just call
this whole thing off?
I'm not so crazy
about your attitude.
You, sir, are an ignorant man.
You are all ignorant.
You are all stuff
to fill graves.
Don't forget to tell your
friends about cheers.
Don't feel too bad, Sammy.
I feel partly to blame.
Let's talk, cliff.
Hello, everyone.
I'm back.
Oh, hi, Diane.
I'm sorry I...
Stormed off like that.
I've cooled off.
Coach, Carla, everybody.
Let's just continue.
It's important you all know
that I wasn't really
trying to kill Sam
when I wrapped
the telephone cord...
May I help you?
That's the face I've
been looking for.
Sorry. I'm still using it.
I could let you visit
it on weekends.
Two drafts, coach.
Coming up.
Thanks.
What, what, what?
What do you want from me?
I'm Phillip semenko.
I want to paint you.
Phillip semenko, the genius?
That's redundant.
I've seen your work,
and you're brilliant.
And I love this arapaho
ceremonial tunic.
What are you doing here?
Up till now,
fondly remembering
my bout with jaundice.
But then I saw you.
I want you to be
my next subject.
Oh, you're kidding.
Me?
Why?
You have an ancient soul,
and it's suffering,
suffering more now
than it has ever
suffered before.
Suffering?
Yes.
Your spirit is
imprisoned, trapped,
stretched on a rack.
Your eyes...
Have the look...
Of a strangling sparrow.
Well, that's in this year.
Last year it was bangs.
Hey, Tonto, I thought
I told you to beat it.
Please, something
important is happening.
That's right. You're
leaving. The deal's off.
Now make yourself
scarce. Come on, beat it.
You have nothing
to do with this!
How dare you interrupt
the artistic process
at its very start?
That's how I get my
kicks. Come on. Move.
Sam, stop.
This is Phillip
semenko, the genius.
He wants to paint me.
I've never been so
excited in my life.
You heard of this clown before?
Yes, of course.
He's one of the most
promising young artists
in the country.
Someday he could be great.
Come on, Diane. If
he was a great artist,
what's he doing alive, huh?
Sam, for goodness
sake, will you stop?
This is a chance in a lifetime.
Can't you see how
fascinated he is by me?
I'll start our sessions tomorrow.
Maybe tonight. Maybe now.
Whoa, wait a minute here.
Don't you see what's going on?
He's gonna invite
you over to his place,
ask you to get all nuded up.
Hey, that happens to
be my territory, fella.
Sam, don't be silly.
Now, of course he
wouldn't want me nude.
But even if he did, I'd do it.
The man is brilliant.
You don't want me
in the nude, do you?
God knows, I'm open-minded
about that sort of thing.
It's just this time of year,
there's so many colds around.
I paint the soul, not the body.
To me, every soul is naked.
The weirdo walks.
Sam, you can't do this.
I want him to paint me.
I can't let an
opportunity like this pass.
Honey, I don't like him.
You do anything
with him, do anything,
go anywhere,
share a bus with him,
and we're through.
I have spoken.
Fine.
What?
I said fine. Whatever you want.
I see how strongly
you feel about it.
So, fine.
Oh, yeah? Well, in that case,
I got something
else I want to tell you.
As soon as I
think of it, I will.
Here, here.
He said that well.
I can only imagine
the hell you've endured.
It hasn't been easy.
Well...
Goodbye.
Wait.
I really want you to paint me.
What about that malignant
growth you call a boyfriend?
Oh, just give him
some time to cool down.
Once he sees the finished work,
he'll forgive me.
He'll forgive you.
He'll forgive everything.
He'll hate it.
He'll hate you for doing it.
If you pose for me,
it will drive a permanent wedge
between you and that man.
So you won't do it?
I'll do it for free.
Let's go.
Hey, listen up, everybody.
I'm sorry about coming
on so strong like that.
I know you think it's
pretty unprofessional,
but roughhouse is
the only language
some people understand.
If I have to, I know
how to speak it.
Ok, thanks for your attention.
Just go back and
have some fun there.
Where's Diane?
a live studio audience.
O.k., please,
everybody, listen up.
It's time once again
for the third annual
cheers picnic.
Now, I'm going
to need volunteers
for these various committees.
First, food. Now
who will volunteer
to take care of the grub?
Well, what the heck?
I... I can do this
one. Ernie pantuso.
I did a pretty
good job last year.
At least no one complained.
This brings us to the
entertainment committee.
Who wants to chair this baby?
Well... entertainment
goes right along with food.
Ernie pantuso.
We'll need two captains
for the softball teams.
Two. Uh... Come on.
A show of hands, huh?
Well, I can handle one team.
Ernie pantuso.
O.k., so... Who wants the other?
One more.
Well, uh, I'm going to be
out there on the field anyway,
so... ernie pantuso.
Oh, and last but not least,
I need somebody to
head up transportation.
I got it.
Ernie pantuso.
Now, there'll be a meeting
of committee chairmen
at my house tonight at 8:00.
Please, everybody,
try to be on time, huh?
♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Hey, everybody, sorry I'm late.
Hi, Sam.
Where have you been?
Well, I had to
run a few errands.
Oh... funny thing happened
to me this afternoon.
I was on my way
to Boston magazine
to be interviewed as one of the
20 most eligible bachelors in the city
when I saw this
man walking a dog.
Now, the funny thing is the
dog wasn't walking like a dog.
He was walking like a
man up on his hind legs.
Where's a camera
when you need one?
O.k., enough jokes.
Back to work.
20 most eligible bachelors?
What's that?
Boston magazine?
And you let them list you?
Well, if I hadn't, I would've
missed that funny dog.
You'll dine out on that
story there, Sammy.
Yeah.
Why do you want them
to list you as an
eligible bachelor?
Isn't that for men who are actively
seeking female companionship?
No. Not entirely. No, no.
It's just good publicity
for the bar, that's all.
Besides, it gave me a chance
to air some of my
views on political issues.
What political issues
did you air views on?
I told them I thought nuclear
war would be bad news.
Oh, Sam, you've stirred
up a hornet's nest there.
Really? Well, uh...
I can always say
I was misquoted.
Oh, I see, when they
say eligible bachelors,
they mean eligible
for a brain transplant.
I knew it!
I knew you'd make
a big deal out of this.
You make a big
deal out of everything.
Come on, all it was was a little
article on my life, my interests,
and a simple picture of me.
It wasn't like it
was cheesecake.
No, Sam. With
men, it's beefcake.
If I posed, it would
be cheesecake.
If you posed, it
would be crumb cake.
Sam...
I'm very hurt by this.
Oh, don't be.
All right, I'll tell you something right
now that's gonna make you feel better.
I wanted it to be
a surprise, but...
When I was talking to
that lady reporter, I said,
"yeah, I may be a
bachelor, but it so happens
"I've already found the
woman of my dreams,
and her name is Diane chambers."
Really, Sam?
That's very sweet.
Call and check.
Her name's Helen
costello. She's still there.
I don't have to call.
I believe you.
I trust you.
I think that was a
wonderful thing to do.
Yeah. Me, too.
She bought that?
I'd like to sell her
the old north church.
Good luck.
I owned that once.
It took me forever to unload it.
Boy, did I take a bath on that!
Boy, I really did it this time.
What are you worried about?
She already bought the story.
When the magazine
hits the stands,
just tell her it's
not your fault.
See, the reporter didn't
mention your sweetie.
Yeah, foolproof.
At best I'm just buying time.
She said she wouldn't
call, but she'll call.
There was a time when
she wouldn't have called,
but now, she'll call.
You don't trust Diane very much.
Coach, it's gotten to the point
where I can't trust a
thing that woman says.
I know what you mean.
Once the trust goes
out of a relationship,
it's really no fun
lying to them anymore.
It's not my fault.
You know, she
always starts things...
Telling me how to walk,
how to act,
how to think.
Yeah. You've been
doing those things
since you were what... 14?
You know, it's
gotten to the point
where I start doing things
I don't even want to do,
but just knowing it'll tick
her off, I got to do them.
The more I think it's
gonna drive her crazier,
the happier I get.
Is that weird?
No, no. We know the woman.
Sammy, I think it's time
for a romantic gesture,
like a little trinket
to smooth the water.
No, I've done all
that stuff before.
I tell ya, it's gonna
take a lot more
than music and
a candlelit dinner
to shut her up this time.
Sam, listen...
I'm telling you, it's time
for you to take a big step.
Now, I wouldn't say
this ordinarily to anyone
in a million years.
But you know what might help?
If you actually had
physical relations with her.
I... I don't think so, coach.
I think we're both going to wait
until we're sure how
we feel about each other.
You're a good
old-fashioned guy, Sam.
All right, you want to hear
the most romantic thing I
heard a guy do in a long time?
What?
Well, I heard that
Sally got mad at Burt
because she heard
he was going to do
another movie with loni.
So Burt, to make up for it,
had someone paint
a portrait of Sally.
Thank you very much
for that enlightenment, Carla.
Now, we can knock off
with the fan magazine drivel.
I read yesterday
that Burt and Sally
are headed for the altar.
You know, that's not such a
bad idea, having a portrait done.
I mean, she'd like
that kind of thing.
Refill, Sam.
Yeah, it shows some thinking.
It's sensitive. It's personal.
The altar?
How can Burt do that
with the terrible secret
he and dinah still share?
Hey, whoa. Do you mind
here? Carla, come on.
Now, what kind of artist
should I get to paint Diane?
Better get a bad one. Why?
You don't want it to
look like her, do you?
You know, your
wisecracks all the time
don't make things any easier.
Come on, Sam. You
know my philosophy.
If you can't say something nice,
say it about Diane.
Come on, help me out here.
W-Where do you
go to find an artist?
What, do you go to
a store or something?
Store. Come on, Sam.
We're not talking
about TV dinners here.
We're talking about artists.
You got to go to
where the artists are,
you know, to an artist... Place.
What's that terrible secret
Burt and dinah share?
I can't tell you.
In a reader's poll, I voted
they should have more privacy.
Hey, listen, fellas, Sam,
can I put this all in
check for a minute?
Now, I happen to
be a wonderful artist.
I'd just love to do
a picture of Diane.
I'd consider it a challenge
and I'd welcome it.
You never told me
about this talent.
Sure. Here. Let me show you.
Norm, just hold
it like that, please.
Stinks.
Yeah, it does.
Ooh, I just remembered.
It was my brother that
had all the artistic talent.
Yeah, now I remember.
My talent is eating
things that aren't food.
Can we get back to
this art thing, please?
Oh, yeah, I deliver
mail to an artist.
He's very
successful artist, too.
I'll tell you how
successful he is.
Yesterday he received a letter,
had a check in it for $25,853
from a guy named sweeney.
How do you know
what was on the check?
When I was
putting it in the slot,
it happened to pass in
front of a 300-watt bulb.
You want me to get on
the horn, get him in here?
Yeah, I guess I could talk to
him. You think he'd come down
and bring some of his pictures?
Sure, I'll give it a shot.
I usually hesitate to use
the power vested in me
by the post office
and the almighty,
but in this case, I'll
make an exception.
Anybody got a dime?
Whoa, whoa. Wait a second.
Maybe this whole
thing's about to blow over.
Sam?
Yeah?
We've been very
childish in the past.
We have?
Yes. Over things like
this magazine article.
I was just about to call that
reporter to check your story,
but I didn't. I'm
so proud I didn't.
Me, too.
I know we're not perfect,
and we're going through
a difficult time, but...
I just decided this
is the perfect time
to start fresh.
Let's...
Cleanse our relationship.
From this moment on,
no more pettiness,
no more suspicions,
no more dishonesty.
You really mean this, don't you?
I really do.
O.k. O.K., Diane.
Yeah, I'll start being
honest with you right now.
You know how I told you
how I told that
reporter all about you?
I didn't tell her
anything about you.
I see.
But I wish I had.
Thank you for
respecting me enough
to tell the truth.
Actually I... i'm lying again,
because I'm glad
I didn't tell her.
It would've made
me look whipped.
If you want me
to get on that
telephone and tell her...
I won't.
I was about to say
I would, but I won't.
The truth is that I like
having millions of women
looking at my picture
and dreaming, "I want him."
This is just me being
honest with you here.
That's exactly what I wanted.
Well, this is
great. This is great.
Why didn't we do this sooner?
I don't know.
You see how if you start
telling the truth right away...
Sammy, I'll make
that phone call, huh?
You kids just carry on
with what you're doing there.
Hey, coach, someone
just put their names
on your picnic sign-up sheet.
No kidding. How many?
Uh, three.
We got Ziggy
stardust, the mad hatter,
and Clark Kent.
Wow, looks like I
got myself an infield.
Hey, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
How you feeling, norm?
Naked without my beer.
Walked all the way over here
dragging my thirst behind me.
So how was dinner, norm?
Listen up, everybody.
Stay away from that, uh...
Hungry heifer place,
that new place downtown.
Yeah, but they've been
advertising that a lot. No good?
No. It's awful. Served
me a terrible piece of meat,
tough potatoes.
Soggy vegetables.
Why didn't you send it back?
Here's another thing.
The service stinks.
By the time the waiter got there
and asked if everything
was o.K., I was through.
Can I help you?
I have come to pander
to the tastes of the tasteless.
You want to head
the food committee.
We got our chairman
for the food committee!
Yeah, I like my buffalo
sunny-side up there, chief.
You referring to my apparel?
Hey, no offense
there, little beaver,
but it is a tad...
A tad out of the
mundane, you know?
Excuse me, sir, but
what is that outfit?
This is an arapaho
ceremonial tunic
worn by the village elders
when they hold council
in the hunting lodge.
I earned it by letting
them Pierce my flesh
with wild Turkey quills.
This is a jc penney
wash 'n' wear,
tapered tails.
Salesman was a little nasty,
but I didn't have to go
through anything like that.
I'm looking for Sam Malone.
I was told he was interested
in buying some of my work.
You must be Phillip
semenko, huh?
I'm cliff clavin, your mailman.
We finally meet face-to-face.
I can die now.
Yeah, you got a
great wit about you.
Thanks for stopping by.
I don't like to be touched.
Hey, I can grok that.
I don't like to be
touched either.
I bet neither one of you
has to tell that
to a lot of people.
Here's the connoisseur now.
Sam! Our artist friend
Mr. Semenko is here.
Hi. I'm Sam Malone.
Mr. Smetma...
Uh... smok... semekama...
That walking fire
hydrant over there
told me you were a man
of taste and intelligence.
I see no evidence of that.
Well, maybe he's
exaggerating a little bit.
See, actually I'm
new to this art thing,
but I've heard a lot of
good things about you.
And I think you
may be just the guy
to get me out of the doghouse
with my girlfriend here
by painting a
little picture of her.
I don't care how you do this.
As long as you make
it look exactly like her
and if you can have it here by
tomorrow, that would be great.
I've got some snapshots here I
took while we up in the mountains.
That's her on the left there.
These were taken
up in New Hampshire.
We got this little
cabin... How about that?
I'm wearing the funny
hat there in that one.
This one's pretty good.
This was shot up in
the cabin right there.
You ever get up that way?
I, uh... I guess not.
It is o.K. If you hold
these by the edges.
Is there a problem here?
Your existence!
I was told I was coming here
to meet a wealthy art investor
who could fill my coffers.
No, I'm not above that... Yet.
Instead I find
myself face-to-face
with a nightmarish product
of our floundering
American educational system.
Hey, hey. I don't have
to take that... Do I?
Why don't we just call
this whole thing off?
I'm not so crazy
about your attitude.
You, sir, are an ignorant man.
You are all ignorant.
You are all stuff
to fill graves.
Don't forget to tell your
friends about cheers.
Don't feel too bad, Sammy.
I feel partly to blame.
Let's talk, cliff.
Hello, everyone.
I'm back.
Oh, hi, Diane.
I'm sorry I...
Stormed off like that.
I've cooled off.
Coach, Carla, everybody.
Let's just continue.
It's important you all know
that I wasn't really
trying to kill Sam
when I wrapped
the telephone cord...
May I help you?
That's the face I've
been looking for.
Sorry. I'm still using it.
I could let you visit
it on weekends.
Two drafts, coach.
Coming up.
Thanks.
What, what, what?
What do you want from me?
I'm Phillip semenko.
I want to paint you.
Phillip semenko, the genius?
That's redundant.
I've seen your work,
and you're brilliant.
And I love this arapaho
ceremonial tunic.
What are you doing here?
Up till now,
fondly remembering
my bout with jaundice.
But then I saw you.
I want you to be
my next subject.
Oh, you're kidding.
Me?
Why?
You have an ancient soul,
and it's suffering,
suffering more now
than it has ever
suffered before.
Suffering?
Yes.
Your spirit is
imprisoned, trapped,
stretched on a rack.
Your eyes...
Have the look...
Of a strangling sparrow.
Well, that's in this year.
Last year it was bangs.
Hey, Tonto, I thought
I told you to beat it.
Please, something
important is happening.
That's right. You're
leaving. The deal's off.
Now make yourself
scarce. Come on, beat it.
You have nothing
to do with this!
How dare you interrupt
the artistic process
at its very start?
That's how I get my
kicks. Come on. Move.
Sam, stop.
This is Phillip
semenko, the genius.
He wants to paint me.
I've never been so
excited in my life.
You heard of this clown before?
Yes, of course.
He's one of the most
promising young artists
in the country.
Someday he could be great.
Come on, Diane. If
he was a great artist,
what's he doing alive, huh?
Sam, for goodness
sake, will you stop?
This is a chance in a lifetime.
Can't you see how
fascinated he is by me?
I'll start our sessions tomorrow.
Maybe tonight. Maybe now.
Whoa, wait a minute here.
Don't you see what's going on?
He's gonna invite
you over to his place,
ask you to get all nuded up.
Hey, that happens to
be my territory, fella.
Sam, don't be silly.
Now, of course he
wouldn't want me nude.
But even if he did, I'd do it.
The man is brilliant.
You don't want me
in the nude, do you?
God knows, I'm open-minded
about that sort of thing.
It's just this time of year,
there's so many colds around.
I paint the soul, not the body.
To me, every soul is naked.
The weirdo walks.
Sam, you can't do this.
I want him to paint me.
I can't let an
opportunity like this pass.
Honey, I don't like him.
You do anything
with him, do anything,
go anywhere,
share a bus with him,
and we're through.
I have spoken.
Fine.
What?
I said fine. Whatever you want.
I see how strongly
you feel about it.
So, fine.
Oh, yeah? Well, in that case,
I got something
else I want to tell you.
As soon as I
think of it, I will.
Here, here.
He said that well.
I can only imagine
the hell you've endured.
It hasn't been easy.
Well...
Goodbye.
Wait.
I really want you to paint me.
What about that malignant
growth you call a boyfriend?
Oh, just give him
some time to cool down.
Once he sees the finished work,
he'll forgive me.
He'll forgive you.
He'll forgive everything.
He'll hate it.
He'll hate you for doing it.
If you pose for me,
it will drive a permanent wedge
between you and that man.
So you won't do it?
I'll do it for free.
Let's go.
Hey, listen up, everybody.
I'm sorry about coming
on so strong like that.
I know you think it's
pretty unprofessional,
but roughhouse is
the only language
some people understand.
If I have to, I know
how to speak it.
Ok, thanks for your attention.
Just go back and
have some fun there.
Where's Diane?