Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 20 - Norman's Conquest - full transcript

Norm brings a beautiful new client, Emily Phillips, into the bar for a drink. All the regulars in the bar believe that Emily's friendliness is Emily coming on to Norm. As such, the regulars egg him on. Diane and Sam are the only voices of dissent in believing that even if Emily wants him, he shouldn't be unfaithful to Vera. Regardless, Norm loves the attention and half-seriously goes along with the kidding. Or perhaps Norm is serious in wanting a liaison with Emily. He has to make a decision on what to do when Emily invites him to her place for a quiet dinner. Not only does his marriage factor into the equation, but also Emily as a client, which is what Norm's professional self sorely lacks.

Carla: Hey, cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Coach, you got
the next round ready

for the ladies in the back room?

Almost, honey. Almost.

Ok. Aren't they a cute group...

"the golden 80s club?"

Yeah, a bunch of old
widows and spinsters

get together and play
connect the liver spots.

I agree with Diane, Carla.
They're absolutely adorable.

Yeah. Carla: Oh, coach,

you like anybody
who calls you "Sonny."



Yeah.

All set, Diane. Mm-hmm.

Wow, this is quite a load.

Well, I'll just take 2 trips.

Ah, yes. Now there is a
nonprofessional for ya.

Last round, I got
them all in one trip.

Ok.

One more beer.

Oh.

Like me to carry it for ya?

No. No problem.

I'll simply do as
the noble women

of primitive tribal cultures

have been doing for centuries.



I'll balance it on my noodle.

Those sweet little old
ladies are gonna love this.

Wow, look! It's Lawrence Welk!

Diane: No, stop!

[Glasses crash]

[Women scream]

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

And you're wrong.

In your hat.

Uh, I, uh, kinda lost
track here, Carla.

What round is this?

I can't count that high.

Just so we can follow the fun,

what's this fight about?

We're not fighting, Carla.

We're merely discussing
a little difference of opinion.

Vodka, rocks, 2.

I think Sam is a heartless,
mindless, slack-jawed cretin,

and he disagrees.

But I'm sure he'll
see reason eventually.

Let me know when
his head lights up.

As usual, you have to take a
connecting flight to get to the point.

We were talkin' about the way
you don't trust me, motor mouth.

No, broken brow...

We settled that. You were
proven wrong, and we moved on.

As I recall...

Sam, give me credit

for having enough intelligence

to humiliate you in
the right subject area.

My favorite couple...
Steve and idi amin.

Uh, afternoon, everybody.

All: Norm!

Straight this way.

Normie, normie.
Could this be Vera?

Well, with a lot of
expensive surgery, maybe.

Norm: Actually...

This is Emily Phillips, and, uh,
she runs a little boutique downtown,

and I've just taken
them on as a client.

[All cheering]

Why are they so excited?

You told me you
had lots of clients.

Oh, just naturally
happy people here. Oh.

Yeah, they sing
the livelong day.

Doo-da.

Hi, welcome to cheers.
I'm Sam Malone. Hi.

Oh, thank you.

So, uh, what kind
of boutique is it?

Oh, it's just a
little dress shop

struggling to survive, really,
but, uh, thanks to norm,

I'm gonna get a very
healthy tax return.

Yeah, well, I just did
a few simple things.

For example,

she wasn't even, uh, writing off

her cockroaches as
livestock. [Laughs]

I'm so proud of us.

We women have taken our
place in society as never before.

Working, doing, rising
on merit through the ranks.

We are taking our place
alongside of and in many cases

above men.

Once exploited,
now we are equal.

Hey, honey, shake it up.

I'm dry over here!

Excuse me.

Oh, would you pardon
me for a moment, norm?

I gotta call the shop. Sure.

You know, I really
like this cheers place.

Do you come here often?

Well, uh, what do
you consider often?

Oh, 2 or 3 times a week.

Then I don't come here often.

Can I have a beer,
coach, please?

Uh, hey, norm. You, uh, told her

you had a lot of
big clients, huh?

Yeah, 75. I figured
200 would be stretchin' it

for someone workin'
out of the trunk of his car.

Well, what's, uh,
what's goin' on, now?

I mean, you, uh,
seem kind of friendly.

Ah. She brought me in here

to celebrate the
outstanding work I did.

Oh, I don't know, norm. Uh, I kind of
sense somethin' between the two of you.

I could feel the
temperature in here rise

when you two walked in.

Hey, norm. You're...
You're her new accountant.

Have, uh, have you gone
over her figure? [Laughs]

Does she have sizeable assets?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is
she, uh, showin' you

a couple of capital gains

that make you liquidate
in your holdings?

[All laugh] All right.

It's all very well
to be witty here,

but, uh, you guys don't
understand, you know?

She's, uh, just
a very nice lady,

and she just wanted
to bring me in here

to show me a
little appreciation.

That's what you think, norm.

Haven't you noticed those subtle
little looks she's been shooting at you?

What do you mean?

Like you're a juicy steak
soon to be sizzling on her grill.

Shh!

Where do you want to sit, norm?

Oh, that table
right there is fine.

What can I get you to drink?

Oh, I'm sure whatever you have

will be fine with me, norm.

Oh!

Oh, come on.

Don't be ridiculous.

I don't know.

Let's just submit this to our
resident expert on women-ology.

Well, I don't usually
think of myself that way.

I'd be happy to share any
thoughts I have with you.

So what do you think, Sam?

I think she's
scouting new territory.

Norman, ignore
these blatherskites.

They're just having
fun at your expense.

She's absolutely right, normie.

The emptiness of their lives

causes them to cast
aspersions on your own.

You can say that again, coach.

No, I can't, Diane.

Norm: I happen to know
these guys are joking.

They know as well as you do

that if anything did happen,

it would injure irreparably

the special one you love.

Aw, come on, Diane. I'd
get over it in a couple weeks.

Look at the way she's
looking at you, norm.

She is hot for your bod.

Here you go.

There you are.

I've been getting lonely.

Would you excuse me
just for a moment, please?

You're right. The
woman's a she-devil.

What am I gonna do about it?

Well, the course is clear, norm.

You're gonna stand up tall,

act like the man you are,

and submit to her every demand.

Thank you, cliff.

Now can I have an
opinion from someone

who's had a date this century?

Norm, you told her
you were married, right?

Of course. She knows about Vera.

I mentioned her at
least a couple of times.

My wedding ring's right out
there for everyone to see...

That pawnshop
on boylston street.

You see, Norman? You see?

You're always
making these crass,

adolescent jokes about Vera,

and now it's getting
you into trouble.

This woman probably
takes you seriously,

and now she thinks that
you don't care about your wife.

Don't listen to her, norm.

How many chances
do you get? Go for it.

Patron: Be a man, norm.

You people are recommending

that Norman commit adultery.

It happens all the time, stick.

That's the way life is.

I'm telling you, the only difference
between dynasty and the real world

is they got better haircuts.

What do you think, Sam?

Norm, I think it's
stupid to jump into bed

with somebody
you're working with.

Unh!

I... I didn't mean stupid
in the unintelligent sense.

Don't mind Sam.
He's a little depressed.

This is the year his age
caught up with his I.Q.

That's years away.

Norm, norm, norm.

Look, look...

You find her attractive?

Of course. She's
very attractive.

Yeah, well, what if it was
me she was attracted to?

I wouldn't be wasting time

hanging around some bar
talking to a bunch of jerks.

Yeah, norm. Do
something. Come on.

Come on, come on, come on!

Is anything wrong, norm?

Hey, he's gonna take
care of you. Don't worry.

Just, uh, just a second, Emily.

All right, norm, now, look,

if you're scared, I'll
take charge of this.

I mean, with me,
it won't be sinful.

Just unsightly.

Uh, look. If you're interested,

strike while the iron is hot.

Norman,

will you do me a favor?

Yeah, yeah, what?
What do you want?

Call Vera.

Why?

Just do it. Call her
and listen to her voice

before you rend asunder

the inviolate garment
of your marriage.

Come on, Diane.

Please, come on. Are
you afraid, Norman?

You think I'm afraid
to talk to my own wife?

All right.

Um, Emily, uh, be
with you in a minute.

Quick, uh, business call here.

Hello, Vera. This is norm.

I'm at cheers. It's 8:05. Uh...

You need me, you've
got the number here. Bye.

Norm, when'd you get
the answering machine?

I didn't, coach. That was Vera.

Norm...

Norman, I think that you better
give the lady what she wants.

She is a client. If you
don't come across,

she'sgonna drop
you like a bad habit.

Norman, has it come to this?

Are you going
to sell your virtue

to the first person who
buys you a drink in a bar?

If you were a woman, I think
we'd have a name for you.

I kind of like "Becky."

I realize "Norma" is closer...
you just have to add "u-h"... but...

Could everybody please
just back off for a second?

I mean, since when
does my private life

become the subject
of public debate?

You backing out, norm?

Come on, come on, guys. Lay off.

Ok, Sam, ok.

Hey, norm, we were
just kidding with you.

We knew you
really wouldn't do it.

Yeah, we know
what kind of guy he is.

Patron: Yeah, we know
he wouldn't cheat on Vera.

[Guys make kissing sounds]

All right, all right.
Norm, look...

We'll even sing your
wedding song for you.

Ready, guys? Sure.

And...

♪ da da da da da
da da, yes, dear ♪

♪ da da da da da
da da, of course ♪

♪ da da da da da
da da, right away ♪

you guys think I'm the world's

heavyweight champion
wuss, don't you?

Unchallenged.

All right, stand back
and eat my dust.

Stormin' Norman
is primed for love.

You, uh, better hurry up, norm.

She's on her way out.

Hey, uh, hey, Emily.

Hey, Emily, uh, wait up.

What, are you
trying to ditch me?

Look, norm, it's obvious that
you'd rather be with your friends.

I just feel in the way here.

Look, that was
rude. I-I'm sorry.

I'd just, uh, like to make
it up to you if I could.

No, it's ok.

No, uh, please.

Let me buy you
dinner or something.

That might be nice.

Thing is, though, I don't feel
like being around people anymore.

Yeah, me, neither.

I guess, um, I could fix a little
something over at my place.

Sounds good.

Sam: Norm, norm, norm...

Norm...

Just a sec.

You don't have to go through
with this if you don't want to.

I know, I know.

Just one question, Sam.

Have there been any innovations

in the women's undergarment
industry since 1965?

No.

Diane: Oh, I'm so
disappointed in Norman.

Diane...

The problem
you're having is just

a simple lack of understanding

of the male of the species.

See, man was not
made to be monogamous.

It's an artificial,
unnatural phenomenon

imposed from without.

See, the human male can
never have enough women.

Or in your case, any.

Don't be too hard on norm.

He hasn't had that
much experience,

and he kind of got swept away.

You know, it makes
me almost grateful

you've had the amount of
experience you've had with women.

Oh, yeah?

Yes.

I think by now, your
curiosity is satisfied,

your inexplicable lust sated.

If our relationship remains

as strong and
vital as it is now,

you'll have no need for sexual
experience with another woman.

Oh, my god.

What do you mean, "oh, my god"?

Uh, I just never thought
about that before.

My last woman.

You do agree, don't you?

Uh, I don't know...

Why not?

Wha... hey, come on.

Something could
happen to you, you know.

You could die or...

Go insane or...

What happens if you
don't age that well?

What would happen if I went down

in an airplane over
South America some place

and was taken captive
by a tribe of huge women...

Who made me their sex slave?

Forced by high priestess
bettina and her handmaidens

to satisfy them day
after day after day.

Come on, be realistic, Diane.

My god, I just
thought of something.

What's that, coach?

What if Vera calls and she
wants to know where normie is?

Tell her he stepped out.

That's kind of flimsy, Carla.

Ok, he went to a
movie with you, coach.

Oh, yeah, that's nice.

Gee, norm and I haven't
been out together in a long time.

[Phone ringing]

Ok, ok, I can't go through
with it, Mrs. Peterson.

Norm's out with a dame.

Gimme that!

Coach, uh, coach, if
you were at the alamo,

we'd all be wearing sombreros.

What?

Emily who?

Oh, yeah. Norm's dame.

Of course he isn't here.

I thought he was
pitching woo with you.

You're kidding.

Oh, man. It figures.

What, what, what?

Yeah, yeah. I'll
tell him to call you.

What?

You should have known.

Norm chickened out.

Aw, come on.

What happened?

He dropped her
off at her apartment

and went to park the car.

That was 2 hours ago, and
she hasn't seen him since.

If he has any pride,
he's killed himself.

Carla, he just
came to his senses.

He came to his knees.

He did the decent,
honorable, and moral thing.

Yeah, and we're gonna make
him pay for it the rest of his life.

Ok, quiet everybody.
Here he comes.

Now just act like you
don't know anything.

Yeah, and something tells
me you boys can handle that.

Whew! She's an animal.

Good evening, everybody.

All: Hi, norm!

Whew.

I'm spent.

Give me a beer, coach.

She, uh, she couldn't get
enough of you, huh, norm?

Cliffy, I had to climb
out the fire escape.

You gotta give us all the
details, norm, and I mean details.

All right, but, uh...

Is everybody over 21 here?

Norman, don't do this.

Shut up and let the man talk.

Patron: So, come
on, normie. Give.

Well, I think this
just about says it all...

Whoa, now! Major hickey!

That's the only one I can show
you in mixed company, cliffy.

Norm,

I'd hate to see you
make a fool of yourself,

but Emily called.

She wants more?

You know, that
woman is insatiable.

She wanted to know
where you were.

She said you didn't show up.

And everybody here knows it.

Of course.

What do you expect
her to do, brag about it?

I mean, only a crass lowlife
would do something like that.

Let's you and me go back
and talk in the pool room.

Sure. Big guy wants
some pointers now.

Sure, Sammy. I'll fill you in.

What a pathetic display.

I'm ashamed god made me a man.

I don't think god's doing

a lot of bragging
about it, either.

I didn't even have
the guts to go in, Sam.

I've been sitting out in
the car for the last 2 hours.

What about your hickey?

I got one of those
little vacuum cleaners

in the glove compartment.

Such a coward!

Oh, come on, norm.

Yeah, but...

Meaningless affairs aren't
all they're cracked up to be.

I've had lots of them. Do you
think that made me happy?

Ecstatic.

Yeah, but that's me, norm.

You're a... you're a
different kind of man.

You're telling me.

Sammy? Yeah?

Can I make a confession
to you right now?

Oh, please don't. I... I got...

I love my wife.

Well, at least that's not as bad

as I thought it was going to be.

Yeah, well, just wait a
second. It gets worse.

Oh, god.

Vera is the only
woman I've ever had.

Now, ahem, now, when
you say, "had," you mean...

Yes.

Oh, come on. Ha ha!
Come on, man. Be serious.

I am.

Well, what's wrong with
that? What's wrong...

I mean, I don't even
want other women, Sam.

All right, don't get me
wrong. I get urges, ok?

If I acted on those urges,

I'd be no better
than a rutting pig.

A happy, singing,
dancing, rutting pig.

Well, I... I don't know
what this all was about,

I mean, you make it sound like
you're confessing a crime here.

Come on, Sam. People
don't go bragging around

how they love their wives.

When was the last time
you saw a bunch of guys

sitting around a
bar, slamming beers,

exchanging great tales
of marital bliss, huh?

So, those jokes about Vera...

A bunch of baloney, huh?

I mean, you... you
really love her, huh?

Of course I do.

Most of them aren't
even true, you know,

like that one about
the tentacles? Yeah?

Well, I can only
speak for myself here,

but I think that's wonderful.

Underarm.

Yeah, you know, you
may not believe me, but I...

I envy you.

You envy me? Yeah, I do.

I used to think that the
more women I conquered,

the more it'd make me a man.

But now I guess...

I'm just looking
for the right one.

And now you've found Diane.

That's right.

Boy, when they made
her, they broke the mold.

They tried to pretend
like it was an accident.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

See... there, you're doing it.

You're doing it, too, you
see? And you know why?

Well, norm... because
you're a guy, you see?

And deep down, we're all
terrified of being wusses.

Yeah.

Now, someone's
got to pay for that.

It might as well be the women.

Amen!

I'm terribly sorry, but I couldn't
help overhearing what you just said.

How much?

Well, everything.

See, I discovered accidentally

if you go into the first
stall in the women's room,

wet your ear, and jam
it up against the wall,

you can hear the occasional
word. Just be glad I did.

Listen to me...

Now, Norman, I have
something to say to you

because I can help you.

And I want to
say it to your face.

You are a ladies' man.

I am? Yes.

You're a one-woman man, and
every woman loves and respects that.

I don't think you should
live your life in deference

to what some
beer-swilling swine think.

Gee, I always have.

Norman, they are unhappy

with their marriages
or lack thereof,

and they're waiting out there

for you to throw yours away

and lower yourself
to their level.

Ugh! I hate them.
God, I hate them!

Me, too.

I tell you, it's time
I faced up to it.

My marriage is my
most prized possession.

And next to my Honda
civic, my only possession.

I happen to love my wife,
and I don't care who knows it.

All right. Hey, man...

Hey! Hey, you guys!
Listen up out here!

I happen to love my wife!

I'm not about to throw
away 11 years of marriage!

Patron: Aw, isn't he sweet?

Norm: Hey, come on.
Let me finish, will you?

Come on, Norman,
stand up to 'em.

Come on, man.

Norm: Hey, I'm not gonna
throw away 11 years of marriage.

I'm looking for
someone to haul it away!

Let me tell you a little bit
about my honeymoon suite,

or, as I call it, the dead zone.

Hey, wanna see an
impression of my wife,

Vera Peterson, in
the dentist's office?

Where's my jacket?
This is gonna be good.

Oh, shut up.

[Falsetto] Doctor, would
you please clean my face?

Do you believe this?

Just a second. I
don't want to miss this.