Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 2 - Little Sister, Don't Cha - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Oh, no. Here
comes another order.

I need 2 martinis...

One straight up, one over.

Gin or...

Vodka?

Gin.

Beefeaters.

Anything else?

Yes.

There's something else.



Something I need...

Desperately.

A molson golden ale.

Sam, you added this wrong.

Coach...

[Sigh]

We were gonna kiss.

We were?

You mind if I do
these first, Sam?

♪ Making the way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪



♪ sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you want to be ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ you want to go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you want to go where
everybody knows your name ♪

[Wham wham]

[Wham wham]

[Wham wham]

[Wham wham]

It won't budge.

[Sigh]

I think I'm gonna be
pregnant for the rest of my life,

just like it said
in the yearbook.

Stubborn little
bugger, isn't he?

You know, Sammy,

I think he's found out about
his brothers and sisters

and decided to stay
inside, where it's safe.

Carla, you know there's a theory

that late-born babies
are more intelligent.

For example, I was born late.

Hey, so was I.

Well, it was just a theory.

Carla, how did it
happen the last time?

Benny hill did it.

Benny hill?

Well, I was watchin' him on TV,

and I was laughin' so
hard, I went into labor.

Yeah. I heard that could happen.

Well, if laughter's
what you need,

I have a face that
makes people laugh.

Yeah, but you got a
nice personality, Diane.

No. I'm going to
make a funny face.

Hmm...

I don't think it's gonna
help, but go ahead.

Very funny.

Hey, Sammy, let
me have 2 gansetts

for the lovely couple
at the back bar, please.

Hey, have you got
yourself covered yet, kiddo?

Oh, yeah. It's all set.

My sister's gonna fill in for
me while I'm out with the baby.

Great. Thank you.

Which sister is this? No-neck?

No.

No, no, not no-neck.
Another one.

You have a sister named no-neck?

It's her nickname.

Everyone in my family has one.

Just out of curiosity, Carla,
what's your nickname?

Muffin.

You're kidding?

What's wrong with muffin?

Nothing. It's just the most
incredible coincidence.

You and I have
the same nickname.

No!

Daddy always
called me his muffin

because I was so
sweet and toasty.

Well, I'm called muffin because my
brothers once stuffed yeast in my ears

and tried to bake my face.

Should I ask what this sister's
called, or am I gonna regret it?

Oh, no, Sammy, Annette is
different than the rest of us.

She's always been the good one.

Well, every family
has its white sheep.

You and your sister close?

No, no. We never spent
much time together.

I only see her when I go
home for family occasions:

Weddings, holidays,
stays of execution.

Anyway, the thing about Annette

is she's real shy,
kind of a wallflower.

She doesn't have
very many friends.

We'll take care of her. When
are we gonna meet her?

Soon. I've been in labor
for the last 4 minutes.

It was my funny face, wasn't it?

Carla, why didn't you say so?

I was trying to hold out
until my customers left.

It was my last
shot at a pity tip.

Hey, hey, mail it to me.

I'll be at St. eligius
hospital... Carla tortelli.

Enjoy your drinks
while I'm under the knife.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

I'm Carla's sister
Annette lozupone.

Whoa, what an interesting name.

How do you pronounce it?

Lozupone.

Gee, just like it sounds.

Hi, Annette. I'm Sam.

Hi. We've been waiting for you.

I see that you
already met coach.

He must be a good worker.

Let me introduce
you around here.

That's cliff. Annette.

That's norm.

This is Diane chambers.

Annette.

Diane.

Well, you must hear about
me from Carla all the time, huh?

No.

She never mentioned
another waitress here?

Oh, yes. I've heard
her talk about fish-face.

She quit.

Nice kid, that Annette, huh?

Yeah, she is, coach.

Yeah. She's cute, too, huh?

Cute, huh?

[Kiss kiss kiss] Cute.

You like her, there, cliffo?

I don't know. I just
said she was cute.

Are you gonna ask her out, huh?

Ah!

Come on, cliff.

You haven't had
a date in months.

There's a simple
explanation for that

that you riffraffs probably
wouldn't understand.

I have impossibly high
standards for a woman.

Yeah. She has
to like you, right?

Excuse me, cliff.

Get you a pad, and we'll
get a tray on the other side.

Here's a pencil, honey.

Ok, coach, thanks.

You know, you'd be doing
her a favor if you asked her out.

She'd, you know,
feel more comfortable.

Yeah? Well, I don't
know. Maybe, eh...

Maybe on the way out.

Gotta go.

Go? Oh... So soon.

Cliffy, the night's young,
and it's your round.

Oh, hey, sorry. I got
a big day tomorrow.

They've asked me to test-drive
a new postal vehicle on my route.

How come they asked you?

Well, I've got the best safety
record in the branch, coach,

never even been
near an accident.

Not since you were born.

[Whistles]

Was that, uh... Comment

addressed to me, Paul?

Oh, no, cliff. It's, uh...

If it were addressed to anybody,

it'd probably get
lost in the mail.

If I wasn't wearing
this uniform,

I'd ask you to step outside.

If you weren't wearing that
uniform, we'd all step outside.

[Whispering] Cliff...

Annette.

Uh, excuse me.

I just had a sudden
thought here.

Uh... if you're not doin'
anything, if you have the time,

maybe we could go out some time

and do something
together if you want.

Really?

That sounds nice.

Oh, uh...

Yeah, well, uh...

I better warn you, though, uh...

I'm goin' on a special
assignment for the department.

Oh.

I've got no right to
ask you to wait for me.

Well, here's my phone number

in case you make it.

Great. Well, auf wiedersehen.

Bye.

So, what do you think?

How's the new girl doing?

Oh, very well.

That date with cliff is the
second one she's made

since she's been here.

Really?

Well. Well, that's...
that's good. That's good.

She's breaking out of her shell.

Sam, it's cheers.
It's a romantic bar.

As many people fall
in love here as get sick.

So what do you say?
Uh, maybe 1 A.M.?

That would be fine.

Sam.

She's not what
Carla thinks she is.

Yes, she is. She's just...

She's naive.

Sam, I am an excellent
judge of character,

and I say she's loose.

Just stop. Stop.

She's not loose. All right,

I'll talk to her.

I'll keep her from
getting into trouble here.

Annette, can I talk to
you there in my office?

By the way,

I think you would do
a lot better for yourself

if you'd stop meddling
in other people's sex lives

and started
concentrating on mine.

Well, that's
great. That's great.

That'll keep me till
the end of a minute.

Ah.

Did I do something wrong?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

I just want to have
a little talk with you.

You see, I know that you
haven't worked in bars before,

and I just wanted to explain
how men behaved in bars.

They, uh...

Well, they... they have a
few drinks, get a little high,

and then they get
a little carried away

around a beautiful new waitress,

and, uh, well...

Is this making any sense to you?

Why don't we sit down here?

See, what I'm...

No, I thought maybe
that... mmm! Oh!

Take me. Take me.

Ooh! Ow!

Sam, telephone call...

Whup! Ho!

I'll just tell 'em you're
breakin' in a new waitress.

No... coach!

Ok, folks, almost ready.

That was cliff.

He said he's feelin' a lot
better. He's comin' in tonight.

Great. What happened
to him, anyway?

It was during his test
drive a few days ago.

He stepped out of the car and
into a pothole, smashed up his leg,

but he finished
his route in pain.

He figured those
1974 Christmas cards

couldn't wait another day, huh?

Uh, Annette...

You're late again.

I'm sorry, Sam.

Would you like to take me
into your office and scold me?

No, no. No, no, no.

Just, uh, just maybe
don't do it again.

I won't.

Eh...

Sam...

She's turned into the
thing that devoured Boston.

We've gotta tell
Carla about this.

Oh, no, we do not have
to tell Carla about this.

It's none of our
business if she likes men.

Loves men.

She can do whatever
she wants with her sex life.

It's in the bill of rights.

Where is it in
the bill of rights?

Well, you know, the part about
the right to assemble and bear arms.

That is the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.

Hey, I thought you said that
you weren't gonna call me stupid

now that we're being intimate.

No. I said I wouldn't call you
stupid while we're being intimate.

Ok, folks, the movie's ready!

I got the lights.

Thanks, Sam.

Sit down, everybody.
Get nice and comfy.

Here we go.

Everybody comfortable?

Uh... this film I call

a trip to the hospital to visit
Carla and her new 2-day-old baby.

I like that. I like that.

Thanks, Sam.

All right. Here we
are in the elevator,

and, uh, those elevator
doors are opening,

and we're going to Carla's room,

and, yes, we go in, and...

Oh, gee, I made a mistake.
It's a dead guy's room.

The widow was
so upset. I tried to...

Cheer her up with a
gift, and she had... I just...

It wasn't the right moment.

Oh, now, here we are.

Uh, I'm on the right floor,

and there's Carla's
room, I hope, and in we go.

Yes, it is!

Yay!

Ah, the kids were very good.

They were on
their good behavior.

Then Anthony squirted
his water pistol at me.

Here I am wiping the lens,

and sarafina grabbed the camera,

crawled under a... a... a bed,

and I begged her for it.
I had a heck of a time...

Then Ann Marie
jumped on my back.

Sam: Coach, didn't you
get a shot of the baby?

Yeah. There she is.

Norm: Which one's
Carla's, coach?

It's the little girl, norm.

Doesn't she look
just like her mother?

I think that's all.

Sam: I got the lights.

Ok.

Well, hey!

Bravo.

Oh, that was nice.

I'm glad I got to see the baby.

You mean you haven't
been over there yet?

Well, I got as far
as the hospital,

but I met the chief
surgeon in the parking lot,

and we split a
6-pack in his Van.

What a nice fellow.

Hey, lookie, here!

Hey! Hey!

Welcome back.

♪ When cliffy comes
marching home again ♪

♪ hurrah, hurrah ♪

come on over here, soldier.

Welcome home, cliffo.

[Chuckling] Thank you, coach.

Boy, I've missed you guys...

Except Paul.

Yeah.

So, uh, who wants to see it?

Oh, no, not me.

I can't stand that stuff,

can't even eat an
open-faced sandwich.

Eh...

Ew!

Ah, it's almost gone
now anyway, yeah.

Little suds on there, cliff.

Hey, thank you, coach.

I had some healing
hands to help me.

Yeah. Some, uh...

Incredible, beautiful hands.

Oh, wait a minute here.

Sounds like the man's
been bitten by the love bug.

Cliffy, you found somebody, huh?

Well, yeah.

He did.

Cliff: All right, all right.

I never thought I was the kind
of guy to fall head over heels...

Oh, god. It isn't
Annette, is it?

Well, yeah!

Oh, I'm so happy for you.

Thank you, Diane.

It's great.

She doesn't know
it yet, but, uh...

I'm gonna ask for her hand.

Annette?

Yeah. Isn't it something, Sammy,

me and Carla's
sweet little sister?

Oh, it's like fate, huh?

Oh, there she is.

Annette...

Hiya, sweetheart.

Hello there...

Handsome.

Oh, Sam...

I think we have to
talk in the back room.

Why?

Well, it's our weekly seminar

on the use of leitmotif in
the chanson de Roland.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Boy, time really
flies by, doesn't it?

Yeah, Norman, why
don't you join us? Coach?

No, no, not me,
Diane. Thank you. No.

Oh, come on, coach.

You're the guest speaker.

Hey, this might be good.

We are confronted
with a problem.

Tell him about
it, we ruin his life.

Sam: Right.

What if we don't
tell him about it?

Don't tell him about
it, we ruin his life.

Well, if I'm confused,
everybody must be.

I know cliff. He's
a very sweet guy.

If anybody can change this
Annette babe, he's the one.

Well, maybe you're
right, Norman.

I guess we've been
pretty cynical, huh?

Who are we to judge?

Maybe Annette
really loves cliff.

There you go.

Hey, face it, love
can be a rebirth

for any man and woman.

Yeah. I feel better about that.

Well, wasn't it
Dante who said...

[all talking]

Annette, would you
get me a soda, please?

Certainly.

That cliff is really
something special, huh?

Which one's cliff?

Let me tell him.
I'm his best friend.

Cliff, talk to you in the
back room here a moment?

Uh, well, yeah. Sure, norm.

You sure about this?

I've seen this kind of
thing destroy relationships.

He should hear about it from
somebody who cares about him

and who he cares about.

See you later, sweetheart.

Bye.

Yeah. So, uh,
what's goin' on, norm?

Aw, nothin'.

What, I can't talk to my buddy?

Well, yeah. Sure. No problem.

Uh, so, uh, what's up?

What would you say your
definition of "friendship" was, cliff?

Hey, norm, Annette's
out there waitin' for me.

Use a dictionary, eh?

Yeah.

Cliff... cliff, I think
friendship is 2 guys who can

remember all the good times

that they shared, you know?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
That's good, norm.

You remember all the
good times we shared?

Yeah. Listen, norm, if you
want a couple of bucks, uh...

No, no. Cliff, cliff, cliff!

Hey, remember, like, uh,

when you thought that
I was drinkin' too much

and that you felt that
I really ought to stop?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

As a friend, I appreciated that.

Yeah. You didn't stop, norm.

I decided you were
wrong, but, uh...

Remember we were
passing through Concord

and we stopped, we took
a squirt on that guy's lawn?

Oh, ho ho ho! Yeah!

Yeah. We killed his
Jack-in-the-pulpit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. So what'd you ask
me back here for, norm?

It wasn't to talk over
the good times, huh?

Well, uh, not just that.

More like, uh...

About, uh...

Annette.

Oh...

Norm, lookit. Lookit.

When Annette and me are
married, it's not gonna change us.

No. Cliff...

Annette's not as innocent
as you think she is.

What's that supposed
to mean, norm?

It means since she's
been workin' here,

she has been around...

And...

And around.

What are you
saying this for, norm?

'Cause you're
jealous or something?

'Cause Annette and I are going
and starting a new life together

and all the magic's gone
out of your relationship?

More people have enjoyed
Annette's magic than Doug henning's.

Normy, I'll give you one
second to take that back!

Ok, I'll give you 3.

Who's she been with?

Everybody.

You?

No.

'Cause you're married, right?

After you're married
to a woman like Vera,

you don't even think
about extramarital sex.

I try not to think
about marital sex.

So, what... You
hate me now, right?

No.

Hate her?

No.

Hate yourself?

Yeah.

My choice, too. Yeah.

Eh, I guess I should have known.

She said she invented
all those things

it takes you years to learn.

Oh...

Oh... I guess I oughta
thank you, huh, norm?

Oh.

Eh... Oh, no, no.

Couldn't have been
easy for you to...

I just hope I can do the
same for you one day.

Thanks.

Well.

Come on. Let's get a beer.

No. I'm not goin'
back out there.

The guys are gonna laugh at me.

No one's gonna laugh at you.

Those people care about you,

and they know
that you're hurtin'.

Anybody who laughs at
you has got to answer to me.

Normy, you're about
the best friend I ever had.

You're mine.

Wanna hug?

Nah.

Me, either.

I mean, it's not
like you pulled me

from a burning car or anything.