Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 15 - And Coachie Makes Three - full transcript

Carla: Hey, "cheers" is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Cliffie, don't look now,

but there are two chicks
at the end of the bar

staring at us.

You're crazy.

I'm telling you, they've been
staring at us for at least 20 minutes.

What, do we look
weird or something?

Well, you do.

Why?

'Cause you're talking out
of the side of your mouth.

I'm telling you, they
can't take their eyes off us.



Ohh!

Well, there's only one
way to be sure now.

You just toodle down to
the other end of the bar

and see if their
eyes follow us, eh?

All right.

[Clears throat]

So are they looking?
They looking?

Yep.

I'd say those supple young
petunias definitely want us now.

Mm-hmm.

So what do we do now?

Aahh, just take
a walk over there.

Hmm. I will if you will.

Ok.



On second thought,
why don't we just

play it cool here
for a while, huh?

Yeah, yeah, we
let them come to us.

Yeah, yeah, those babes
are really hot for us, huh?

That's it, folks.
Closing time. Sorry.

Whoop, here they come,
norm, moving in for the kill.

Thank you, girls.

Excuse me.

My friend and I were
wondering if you guys know

a late night spot to go to.

You know, some
place a little fun.

Uh...

Uh...

Uh... uh...

Uh...

I, uh...

What was that?

Ahhhh...

Ahhhh.

These guys are martians.

Come on, they're nerds.

Their loss.

[Groaning]

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

[Both groaning]

Well, they've...
Gone now, cliff.

You can turn off the charm.

Yeah, uh... You were real
smooth yourself there now.

Listen to Cary Grant
here. That was humiliating.

Yeah, well, what
difference does it make?

They weren't that
good-looking anyway.

Absolutely.

We almost took the
midnight train to bow-wow city.

You're right.

Hey, I've seen better
legs on a pool table!

Yeah! Hey, you could use
that chest for a straightedge!

Hey, hey, hey, if
you ever come back,

put a bag over your head!

No, a gunnysack...
It'll cover more!

Hey!

Ahh! Great eats, Diane. Thanks.

How did you enjoy your
rognons de veau au chartrere?

Ah, yes! Mmm... Ah!

Was that the green stuff?

No. That was the brown stuff.

Good. That green stuff
kind of repeats on you.

I'm dreadfully sorry.

Quite all right,
quite all right.

Well, I am going to check
some scores out on the tube here,

I think.

Ahh.

You know, Sam.

I went to a lot of
trouble with this meal.

So did I.

Come on, come on,
come on, I'm joking.

It was wonderful.
Thank you very much.

It's such a pleasure
to cook for a gourmand.

Yes, I'm that.

Sam, what's happening to us?

You repeating, too?

Well, a little, but that's
not what I'm talking about.

We're becoming humdrum, routine.

Oh, I'll tell you what.

After my meal settles
here, I'll attack you.

Well, you may be in the
mood earlier than you think.

You make yourself comfortable.

I'm going to take care of
something in the other room.

You got it.

[Knock on door]

Who's there?

Me. Who's there?

Coach?

No, I'm coach.

What the hell you
doing here, coach?

Well, at least we
got that straight.

Sam, listen, we almost had
the most incredible disaster.

Look at this TV guide.

What... whoa!

"Thunder road".

Both: Mitchum!

We haven't missed a
mitchum movie together

in over 12 years.

Come on, come on, we don't
want to miss the beginning.

Oh, Mitch wouldn't
start without us.

Sam, we're going to
need some munchies.

Yeah, Diane's got some.

Listen, Sam, while you're
up, turn down the lights,

will you? There's a
terrible glare on the screen.

Take me, you barbarian.

Hi, Diane.

Aah!

[Door slams]

Diane, you're going
to miss "thunder road".

What happened here, coach?

Nothing yet, Sam. They're
just going up the road.

No, I meant with Diane.

Hey, Diane. You all right?

What is coach doing here?

He's watching "thunder road".

We always watch Robert
mitchum movies together.

Sam, it's a bad time right now.

Well, I know, honey,

but it's kind of an tradition
that goes back with us

for years. I mean,
he's our favorite actor.

Never, under any circumstances,

do we miss one of his movies.

But I came out of the bedroom

and I'm so embarrassed
because of the way I was dressed.

Come in here, I'll
show you what I mean.

Come on.

Coach, scram! Out!

What?

What's wrong?

Sam.

A little tact.

I'm sorry. Coach, listen.

What?

Diane and I had this, uh...

Special evening
going here, and...

She just fixed me a meal
in all my favorite colors,

and changed into
something frilly there...

Oh! And I come
barging in on you.

Gee, Sam, I wasn't
even thinking.

Diane, please forgive me.

I'd never want to
get in your way.

I'm sorry, hon.

Thank you for
understanding, coach.

When you live alone,

you tend to forget that
other people have lives.

Are you feeling
what I'm feeling?

Yeah. Poor coach.

Well, we have so
many hours together,

and I guess it's kind of selfish

not to spend a little
time with him, huh?

You're right. I'll go get him.

Good. I bet you can
catch him on the steps.

Coach, why are
you standing there?

My coat got caught
in the door, Sam.

I didn't have the heart
to bother you again.

Good night, Diane.
Good night, Sam.

No, no, coach, coach.
Come here, come here.

Listen, you're going to watch
"thunder road" with us tonight.

Come on, sit down.

Really, you mean it?

You bet. Come on over.
Now I've never seen this,

so you're going to have to
fill me in on what's happened.

Oh, I know every line
in this picture, Diane.

Now here's my favorite part.

You know, when I'm
in charge of the bar,

I know what god feels like.

How's that?

It's like I'm in
complete control

of people's destinies.

Yeah, like, I can make
their drinks too strong

so they get sick.

Or I can water them down

so they're paying
for nothing. Yeah.

Or if I don't like their
attitudes, I can spit in it.

Carla, you're not still upset

about that little argument
we had the other day?

You tell me.

Oh, uh, hey, Carla, listen,
I'm sorry about this morning

when I called you
a sawed off witch.

Hi there. I'm Sam Malone.

Maybe you remember
me from about a month ago

before you and I
became a threesome?

Yes, yes, I recognize you now.

You shaved off your pantuso.

That's it. That's it.

Oh, Sam.

I know.

I can't take it anymore.

We never go anyplace
without the coach.

I don't even invite him
anymore. He just shows up.

What are we gonna do?

Well, I'll tell you what
we're going to do.

Right now we're going
to go sit in my office

we're going to look into
each others' eyes all alone.

Oh, that sounds so wonderful.

Sam, Diane. Where have you been?

Coach, I'm sorry. I overslept.

We were up kinda late
last night watching...

"Mothra versus Godzilla".

Yeah, boy, was I
disappointed in that one.

Sam. Mm-hmm.

We've got to draw the line.

There's no way that
we're going to spend

the evening with coach tonight.

You're right. You're
absolutely right.

We going to get
together tonight?

You bet.

Great.

All right, all right.

Now, there's only one
solution to this problem.

You have to tell the coach

to stop hanging around with us.

Diane's right, Sam.

You don't want coach
hanging around, just tell him.

That's the honest,
ethical way to approach it.

Maybe you're right.

Of course, if you want to
make it easier on coach,

why don't you just rip out his
heart and do a tap dance on it.

Norman!

I got it, I got it. Here.

What?

Make him think you've
got a bad disease.

Get real skinny

and you paint your
faces white and pasty.

Walk around looking like
you're going to throw up.

Uh-uh. You better
hurry up there.

Diane's got a head start.

Cliff.

Norm.

Coach likes you guys.

Would you take him off our
hands just for tonight, please!

No, no, no, sorry, Sammy.

We don't want coach
getting in the way

when we're hustling
chicks, all right?

I'm sorry I asked.

You know, Sammy,
it's against my belief

to help you make
things go smooth

with the squawk box over there,

but since coach is involved,

I'm going to bend
the rules a little bit.

I happen to know he has a crush

on one of the
tellers at his bank.

You're sure?

Yeah. He talks about her a lot.

I don't know her name,
but I figure if he's dating her,

maybe she could take
him off your hands.

Oh, that's good.
Oh, that's good.

What do you say?
It's worth a try, huh?

Well, you know, I think coach
would be embarrassed by a blind date.

Why don't we pretend
that she's a friend of mine?

That way it will look
like a chance meeting.

Ah, coach, coach.

Maybe you can help me out here.

I'm shopping around
for a new bank.

Do you like yours?

Oh, I love it. The bay
harbor savings and loan,

right down the street.

Uh-huh. Do you
like the tellers there?

Oh, they're terrific.

Is there one you think
that I should talk to...

Friendly, nice, cute?

Uh... frank.

Who's the one that
you're always talking to?

Oh, you mean the cute
redhead with the nice smile

that's always winking at me?

Yeah! That's frank.

Hey, coach. Isn't there...
Isn't there a woman

that you like at the
bank there, huh?

Oh... edwina.

Edwina at bay harbor
savings and loan?

Isn't that's funny.
She's a friend of mine.

Well, if she's a
friend of yours,

then you should know
frank, 'cause they're married.

No, no, coach.

Who's the one who you said

was a nice lady last Thursday?

Thursday... stella! Stella!

Stella! That's my friend.

No, not Stella. Not Stella.

I'm not too crazy about Stella.

I meant Dorothy.

Yes! So did I!

Dorothy is the
one you like, right?

Oh, yes, Sam,
Dorothy's very nice.

Excuse me.

But not as nice as Julia.

Sam!

What am I thinking of?

That's the grocery store.

At the bank, nobody
can beat Sandra.

Sandra!

That's my friend.

Ah, gee!

What is it, coach?

Not Sandra. It's Anita.

I'll take this.

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

What? Wrong girl, coach?

No, no, no, no, no. Wrong bank.

Ahh.

Well, Katherine...

Didn't you love that meal?

Oh, it was very nice.

Let me take your sweater.

I'm just glad we
had coach along.

Nothing like having an Italian

who knows just
exactly what to order

in an Italian restaurant.

It was wonderful, coach.

What was that dish called again?

Spaghetti for four.

They got a better one,
though, it's spaghetti for six,

but you need more people.

Well, I've got coffee all
set, I just have to plug it in.

Go ahead, sit down and
make yourselves at home.

All right. Here you go.

Ooh.

Well. Oh, ah.

Ah. Well.

Well.

You know something, Sam? I can't get
over the fact that Diane knew Katherine,

my favorite teller
at first fidelity.

Well, it's a small
world, I guess, coach.

Yeah, and another thing,
she seems to know everybody

in every bank that
I ever dealt with.

Well, you know
how friendly she is.

Oh, Diane, how did you
and Katherine come to meet?

[Both talking at once]

Oh, that's all right, honey.

Sometimes I forget things, too.

Or do I?

[Laughs]

Coach, you tickle me.
Are you always this funny?

Oh, I doubt it.

[Laughs]

So, um...

Katherine, what's
new and exciting

in the world of high finance?

Oh, nothing that I know of.

The most exciting moment for me

is trying to catch somebody
playing with their lips

on the closed circuit TV.

I knew you looked familiar.

Sit down, Diane. Ok.

Well...

I think banking is fascinating.

There are so many facets.

So many things I've
always wondered about.

Yeah. Me, too, you know, Diane?

Like what?

Well, like tellers.
You take tellers.

They never tell you anything.

They always ask questions.

And interest.

There's nothing
interesting about it at all.

It's boring. Oh, and then

the trust department.

They got all the pens
chained down to the tables.

What kind of trust is that?

Oh, there he goes again.
You're just too much.

Oh. A little giddy, but nice.

Oh, oh, my goodness.
Look at the time.

I've got to get up
at the crack of dawn.

It's been a wonderful evening.

I'll take a rain check
on the coffee, Diane.

Oh, too bad.

Yeah, it is getting
kind of late.

Katherine, can I see
you get home ok?

Oh, well, thanks,
coach, I'd like that.

Good night, Diane. Good night.

Thank you. Thank you.

Good night, Sam.
Yes, good night.

Thank you. Oh,
yes, you're welcome.

Good night. We'll do it again.

Absolutely. Bye.

Oh, I think this just
goes to show you

that sticky situations
are best handled

with lies, deceit, and trickery.

And now for a little romance.

Heh heh heh...

Oh, yeah.

A little hug...

A little kiss...

[Knock on door]

A little coach.

Excuse me.

I thought you were going
to show Katherine home.

I did.

I showed her where
the bus stop is.

You probably didn't notice,

but that dame had
the hots for me.

Coach, what's wrong
with that? Yeah!

Look, Sam, she's very nice,

but she doesn't fit in
with the three of us.

She's like a fourth wheel.
I gotta some cookies.

Well, what do we do now?

Diane, I think it's
time to tell the truth.

Good.

I'll handle this.

Coach, get out here.

Want one?

No.

Listen, coach. I...

I'm going to tell you something,

and I don't care if
this hurts your feelings.

I'm just going to tell
you out straight here.

Well, what? What is it?

Diane doesn't want you
hanging around us anymore.

What?

That's not true at all!

Sam doesn't want you around.

I love having you around.

No, no, no, I love having
him around more than you do.

As a matter of fact, I love having him
around more than having you around.

Well, fine, why don't you
around right out the door...

[All talking at once]

Sam, please stop. Diane...

Kids, hold it, please.

Look, I'm beginning to see
the light about something here.

You both have
something to tell me

but you don't have the
guts to tell me, right?

Well, I do. Diane doesn't.

Well, then what is it? Say it.

Come on, Sam. Say it.

Look, when you were a
drunk and nobody told you,

I told you you were a
drunk, didn't I? I told you.

Over and over and over again.

Well, you really
were a drunk, Sam.

I know.

I mean you were
really a drunk, Sam!

Coach, don't start again.

Look, what kind of a
friendship is so weak

that we just can't come out
and tell each other the truth?

You're right.
You're right, uh...

We just don't want you
hanging around us so much.

If you don't want
me, it's fine, ok.

I'm not mad.

It's fine.

I-i-I'll see you.

But, Sam, you
really were a drunk.

Good morning, norm.

Where in the heck have you been?

Is my watch fast or something?

Sorry, norm. We had
kind of a difficult evening.

Oh, boy. We finally
had to tell the coach

we didn't want to
see him anymore.

It was terrible.

Even worse than we feared.

Spent half the night arguing
about who was to blame.

You should... Diane, uh...

Norm! Norm!

Norman...

Good morning, everybody.

How are you today, Norman?

Oh, as if you cared.

So coach didn't take too well

to getting the old heave-ho?

Oh, he was destroyed.
He tried to cover,

but there was no
masking the intense pain

that Sam inflicted
on his deepest being.

Hey, come on, don't
start with me again.

If I recall, you did
most of the talking.

Sam...

What difference does
it make who did it?

The point is the coach
has been crushed.

We have to live with that...

Especially you.

Come on. It was your idea.

You insisted.

I... that's the most...

Ahem! Listen, listen.

I want to know which one of
you two kids got the idea first

to throw me out on
my butt last night?

Come on. I want
to know right now.

Aw, come on, coach.

What difference does it make

whose fault it was?

It's done.

We both have to share the blame.

Yes, the important
thing is that we...

We showed you our feelings.

Honesty was our only recourse.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
It was a mutual decision.

Well, listen, whoever it was,

I want to thank him from
the bottom of my heart,

because what happened was,

I caught up with
Katherine at the bus stop

and I took her home.

And we got to know each other,

and I think she's a
wonderful woman in the world.

I haven't been
this happy in years.

Oh, coach, that's
wonderful news!

You don't know how happy we are.

And the fact that the two of
us had anything to do with it

makes us feel even better.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely, coach.

Just think of it
as the two of us

having been able to
do something for you.

Ok?

Say, normie,

aren't they a wonderful couple?