Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 14 - No Help Wanted - full transcript

Sam hires a still-unemployed Norm to be his accountant, but the tax return he prepares for the bar could ultimately destroy their friendship.

[Radio plays "a foggy
day in old London town"]

See, every time I hear
"foggy day in old London town",

I think of my wife.

Aww. Was that your song, coach?

No, but Sinatra sang that, Sam,

and it always reminds
me of that movie,

"from here to eternity."

Aw, you took her to see that

on your first date, huh, coach?

No. That movie
reminds me of Hawaii.

Oh. You and your
wife met in Hawaii?



No. I've never been
to Hawaii, Diane.

Neither has Wally engels.

I'll take it.

Uh, coach, who's Wally engels?

An old pal of mine in the Navy.

He introduced me to my wife.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Boy, that's some memory
you got there, coach.

Yeah, huh, Sam.

[Radio plays "moon river"]

Ah, that song brings back
some great memories for me.

Oh, yeah, really? What?

They were playing it the
day my daughter got married.

Yeah?



That's all.

We sure get 'em in
here, don't we, Sam?

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Hello, Sam.

Hey, Becky.

Boy, long time, no see, huh?

Yeah, I finally got
transferred back to Boston.

I really missed this city
and a lot of its landmarks.

Speaking of which,
when do you get off?

Oh, I don't get off
anymore, Becky.

What... what I
meant by that was,

Diane and I are
going together here.

Who?

Oh, I'm sorry. Diane
chambers, this is Becky hawley.

Hi, Becky.

Hi, Diane.

Diane and I have been
going together now, what,

9, 10 months?

Four.

Eh, whatever.

I'm really glad to see you have
such a nice thing going, Sam.

Although I must say,

I will miss the fun
that we used to have.

Well, I've got something
a lot better than fun now.

I got good, solid pleasantness.

You're a real rush yourself.

Yeah.

Oh, I didn't mean
to upset anyone.

Oh, Becky, you didn't.

I've come to terms
with Sam's past.

It doesn't bother me a bit.

Besides, I'm not
the jealous type.

Well, Sam, I guess
I'll be seeing you.

Yeah, good to see you again.

You, too.

Hey, why don't you let me
walk you to your car, all right?

On second thought,
maybe I'll just stand

behind the bar here for a while.

I liked her.

Yeah, I'll bet.

Ohh.

Have an accident, Sammy,

or are you just glad to see me?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Both, coach.

Two cutty rocks, Sam.

Norm is late again today.

Yeah, I noticed.

It's eating into
my beer profits.

I'm gonna have to raise
the price of a draft here

just to get even.

That'll be $11 there, cliff.

You know, he hasn't been
in before 5:00 all week.

You don't suppose norm's
finally gotten himself a job, do you?

Nah, nah. If norm
had gotten a job,

he would have
told us all about it.

Gee, I hope he didn't
tell me and I forgot.

Nah, I'd remember
forgetting something that big.

No, I think cliff's
right. If norm got a job,

he would've made
a big deal about it.

You know...

Yesterday I saw
something very disturbing.

The price of peroxide went up?

I was born a blonde.

What were you saying?

Well, on my way here,

I saw a fellow who looked
very much like Norman

sneaking in the back
door of melville's kitchen.

Now, he looked so much
like Norman, I said hi to him,

but he pulled his coat
over his face and ran inside.

What would norm be
doing in melville's kitchen?

I think Norman's been
reduced to taking a job

as a bus boy or a dishwasher.

No, no. Norm would never
stoop to something like that.

He probably just went in to
beg for table scraps, that's all.

Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I just thought of something.

Oh, I thought I heard a clank.

No, about a week ago,

norm asked me if a real
man would wash dishes.

Oh, norm.

I don't believe it.

It's impossible to
escape the conclusion.

I found a way.

Now, look. I'm not gonna
believe that my buddy,

a professional man like myself,

has been reduced to scrubbing
pots and pans in a fish house.

I mean, if he had,
there'd be telltale signs...

You know, he'd come in
reeking like a mackerel.

Get outta here!

Go on, beat it!
Scram! Outta here!

[Cats meowing]

Beat it! Get out of here!

[Meowing]

Go on, get out of here!

Well, that proves it.

He's either washing
dishes at melville's,

or he's driving a herd
of cats to dodge city.

No, Sam, you need
at least 200 head

for that drive to dodge.

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norm!

Cam I draw you a beer, norm?

No, I know what they look like.

Just pour me one.

Hey, norm, what's
with all the cats?

What? Animals like me.

Good, 'cause no human is gonna.

Aww.

Whew. Norm...

You smell like low
tide in bridgeport.

Must've been that
tuna sandwich I ate.

Oh. What'd you
do, eat it or roll in it?

Hey, norm, everything
ok? Any luck finding a job?

Let's just drop it, huh?

Ok.

Oh, here, normie.
Need a napkin there.

Gee, normie, look at your hands.

They're all red and
rough and wrinkled.

Yeah, so's your brain, ok?

Normie, come on.

I'm sorry, coach.

It's ok, norm.

Everybody, look, I'm sorry.

I might as well come clean here.

Please! Please! Please!

I'm washing dishes
up at melville's, ok?

The unemployment ran out.

I had to do something.

Here, give me your hands.

This will cut the smell.

Oh, Norman, you must
be hopelessly depressed.

Last night I went
home so depressed

I almost jumped out my window.

So many cats down there,
they would have broken the fall.

That, uh... those guys out there

is only a scouting party.

Go on, get out of here!

Raaaah!

Norman...

There's dignity in any work.

Now, don't be ashamed
of physical labor.

Oh, no, Diane. I know
exactly how normie feels.

When I was a youngster,
I was a bus boy.

And I'm telling
you, the humiliation,

the getting ordered around,

it's more than a man can take.

Hey, get a beer over
here, huh, grandpa?

Yes, sir. Right away.

A dishwasher.

I guess I've sunk about as
low as an accountant can sink.

I graduated 30th in my class.

Now I spend my afternoons

watching lettuce float.

Norman, I've got it.

You're an accountant.

You should be accounting.

Sam, why don't you put
Norman on as your accountant?

Yeah. Yeah, Sam.

Oh, that would be fabulous.

I already have an accountant.

Well, fire him and hire Norman.

That's how it works.

Can I speak to you
over here for a minute?

Certainly. Certainly.

What's the matter, Sammy?
Don't you think it's a good idea?

Oh, no, you bet. You bet. I
just want to tell her in private

how much I like it.

Ohh. Looks like Ms. Chambers

is going to get a
buss on the cheek.

Let's hope it's
going at least 80.

No, no, no.
Listen, listen, listen.

There are two areas of my life

that I don't want
anyone to touch.

Now, I've already told
you about one of them.

And I didn't.

No, I know. You've been
very good about that.

The other area is my business.

Now, I worked very
hard to get this bar,

and it's been a
struggle to keep it.

Now you've got me committed

to turning my books
over to a dishwasher.

He's not a dishwasher.

He's an accountant,
and he's a friend.

Yeah, you're right
he's my friend,

but how do I know
he's a good accountant?

I mean, he hasn't been
hired for over a year.

There must be some reason.

Well, that just means he's
highly motivated to do a good job.

Besides, you only have to
keep him on long enough

to help him get his pride back.

Sammy, I don't want to
put you on the spot here.

I don't have to be
your accountant.

I could always just kill myself.

Yeah, yeah. This man
has options here, Sam.

Sam, now, it's true,

hiring Norman has
emotional overtones,

but without emotions,

the mind becomes
a stagnant pond.

And let's fact it, in your case,

we're not exactly dealing with
whitewater rapids in the first place.

Ok, all right, fine.

I'll put norm on,
but just... hey...

Just remember when I
have to fire him later on,

you're gonna be
responsible for him

losing what's left
of his self-respect.

How can he miss with
such a positive attitude?

Norm...

Hey, you're my new accountant.

Hey! All right?

Sammy, I am honored.

Well, yeah.

I want you to know

this is one of the great
moments of my life, Sammy.

Aw, come on. Give me a break.
One of your greatest moments?

Easy, Sam. There
have only been two.

I'm aware you're doing
this out of pity, Sam,

but I want you to know

you just you got the best
damn accountant around.

Yeah, I'll second that.

What, that he just got the
best damn accountant around?

No, that he's
doing it out of pity.

[Indistinct]

Whoa, here he is,
ladies and gentlemen...

Norm "render unto Caesar
that which is zilch" Peterson!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Diane, a little
more coffee, please.

Oh, Norman, I'm proud of you.

Yeah.

When there's a job to be
done, you put the beer aside.

That's 'cause I want to do
a good job for Sammy there.

Isn't that nice? Yeah.

Isn't that nice, Sam?

How's it... how's
it going, norm?

Almost done, Sam.

You're not gonna be
disappointed, big buy.

I found a couple things
in there, you know.

You're gonna have
the best damn tax return

that's ever been audited.

Oh, lighten up, will ya?
It's a tax joke. Come on.

Boy, Sam, you know, there's
a bounce in normie's step

I haven't seen in months.

Tonight may be the turning point

in that man's life.

He might come out of that
office, his job complete...

Who knows, maybe even
make amends with Vera...

And start building a new life.

Oh, that would be wonderful.

Then again, he might
drink till he passes out

with his head in the toilet.

Too close to call, really.

I just hope he's not trying
too hard to impress me.

Well, what if he is?

You're helping him out,
and he appreciates that.

I just don't like taking
chances with the IRS.

I was very satisfied
with my old accountant.

Every year I'd pay two,
three grand in taxes,

I'd pay them, and
there'd be no trouble.

That's what I want from
norm... No chances, no risks.

Aw, Sam, you just
worry too much.

Normie's a great accountant.

How do you know that, coach?

Because my mother
always used to say

everybody has one
thing they're great at.

Yeah, right, and with norm,

we've eliminated everything

but accountant and
great white hunter.

Here we go, Sam.

All done.

How did it come out, norm.

I'll let my return
speak for itself.

I'm getting back $15,000?

We make camp here, bwana?

Of course babies can eat pizza.

Just put it in the blender.

Excuse me, do you have a
cigarette machine in the back?

Back room.

Thank you, beautiful.

What did you call me?

Beautiful.

Sounded different
the first time.

Beautiful.

That was the word.

Good afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norm!

Norman.

How about a beer, norm?

Eh, I'm high on life, coach.

Of course, beer is my life.

Hey, there's my boss man.

How's it going, buddy?

Pretty good. Just
waiting for that

great big tax refund
to come rolling in.

You figure out what you're
gonna do with all that loot yet, pal?

Well, I think that
some of it should go

for something sheer, sexy,

and, yes, a little breathtaking

for the special
someone in his life.

I think you're right.

What are you, an
extra-large, norm?

In peignoirs, yes,

but I can squeeze
into a large Teddy.

Ooh. Heh heh heh!

Wait, wait, wait.

You gotta check these out here.

Ooh!

Aw, hey, lookie there.

Printed matches!

Just spread them around.

"Norm Peterson, incorporated...

An accountancy firm."

Oh, that's very
impressive, norm.

Business must be
good, huh, normie?

Yeah, coach.

It just took Sammy
here having faith in me,

and my getting a
little faith in myself,

and stuff sort of took off.

Bingo!

How many new clients do
you have now besides Sam?

Just one other, but I've
been hustling a little bit,

and I got some nibbles on here.

Which reminds me. Diane! Yeah?

Here's your return.

Oh, thank you.

Ooh, a nice, healthy refund.

I thought you'd like that.

All those psychiatrists'
fees were deductible, Diane.

Boy, those daily
sessions back in February,

whoo, we're talking
a gold mine here.

Shut up, Norman.
I'm better. I'm better.

Sam...

February was kind of a
rough month, wasn't it?

Ok. Ha ha!

Sam, what you've done
for Norman is a miracle.

I'm very proud.

It was nothing.

No, don't be modest.

You stood by him
when he needed you.

When he told you you
were getting $15,000 back,

even I blanched.

And money means no more to me

than it does to the
creatures in the forest

or the beasts in the field.

Ooh, Sammy, give me a
hand here with this stuff.

[Telephone rings]

Coach, could you get that? Yeah.

[Ring]

Cheers.

Sam, it's for you.

I'm busy, coach. Can
you take a message?

Can I take a message? He's busy.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. Right.

Right, right, right.

Sam, that was
your accountant, sy.

He said... Oh,
bell day! Bell day!

[Inaudible]

And he said your
tax returns are ready.

[Clank]

What the hell's
going on here, Sam?

What do you mean,
about bell day?

Did you send in the return
I prepared for you or not?

No, norm. I... I didn't.

Why not?

Well, I probably should
have told you this,

but I'm... I'm real conservative
when it comes to money.

Ok, let me just get
this straight here.

You don't trust me and my work,

so you had somebody
else do your taxes.

It's just... a $15,000 refund
scared the hell out of me.

I mean, I've never gotten
any kind of refund before at all.

You know why? That accountant

you had is a wimp, Sam.

I went through those
previous returns.

The guy wouldn't know
a deduction if he sat on it!

What are you trying
to say, Sammy,

that norm pulled
a $15,000 boner?

Yeah.

Come on. I was just
trying to protect myself.

Any one of you would've
done the same thing, right?

Oh, come on. You would,
too, and you know it.

Ok, let's just... let's
just drop this, all right?

I didn't want norm to do my
taxes in the first place, remember?

It just goes to show you shouldn't
do business with your friends.

Then you're safe
going into business

with anybody in this room.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, come on now.

Isn't anybody on my side here?

Listen, all I wanted to do
was try to protect my business

and not offend norm
in the first place.

Sam, I'm standing by you.

I may not agree with you,
but I admire your courage.

I know exactly how you feel.

Wait, you do?

Yes. I've had
personal experience

standing against the majority,

resisting the force
of public opinion

for the sake of
personal principle.

Is that right? Like what? What?

Well, my senior year, I
fought single-handedly

to integrate my sorority.

Hey, you hear this?

What, they wouldn't
let blacks in?

Well, it wasn't exactly blacks.

That's really not the
point. The point is...

What was it, just
some other race?

Well, no.

A religion?

Well, it wasn't
exactly a religion.

Well, come on. Who? Who?

[Mumbling]

What? Who wouldn't they let in?

Girls with poorly publicized
coming-out parties.

And within a couple of
months, they blended right in.

All right, thank you.

I mean, if you don't trust
me as an accountant,

you don't trust me as a friend.

Come on, stop right there.

Listen, you've got
to learn to separate

business from friendship.

No, no. The only
thing I have to separate

is you from my life.

Hey, come on. Listen, if I
get into trouble at the IRS,

I could go to jail.

And you know what happens to
pretty boys when they go to jail.

You know, your... your
attitude is unprofessional.

Oh, now I'm
unprofessional. Is that it?

Yeah.

You know what you are?

Listen, guys. Don't say
anything you'll regret.

You're a back-stabber.

You know something?
You are a big baby, Norman.

Hair hat!

Ham hock!

Goose neck! This is fun.

We are not the
ones fighting here,

spaghetti breath.

You're bad, Malone.
B-a-d, you're bad.

You're starting to get on
my nerves. You know that?

The truth hurts, huh, Malone?

Oh, my god! Would the two
of you listen to yourselves?

Standing there
arguing, bickering?

You're making a
mockery out of bell day!

Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.

I've just been through the
roughest year of my life.

I know that.

The only thing
that kept me going

was a belief in myself

and the hope that someday
somebody else would say,

"I believe in you, too, norm."

I thought you'd be that guy...

Oh, come on, man.
That won't work.

You're trying to lay a guilt trip
on me, and I think that stinks.

Fine, I'm outta here.
I'm gone for good.

Hey, you better mean
it, 'cause I don't want you

coming back in here tomorrow

thinking this whole
thing's gonna blow over.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, as a matter
of fact, hey, listen,

you go out that door,

I don't want you back in
my bar again. I mean it.

Ok, fine. You got it.

But before I go,

I've got to settle one
thing with that man.

Norman, now, wait.

Don't do anything silly, please.

Diane, you'd better
stay out of this.

This is part of the male ritual
that you don't know anything about.

Coming in, Malone!

Ok, norm, how do
you want to do this?

I don't want to go, Sam.

[Sobbing]

Oh, hey. Hey, come on.

I didn't mean...

Aah!

Hey, hey, hey.

Come on. Come
on. Listen. Listen.

We're not gonna get anywhere

unless you start
acting like an adult here,

big fella.

Come on.

[Indistinct]

Whoa.

Here. Here. Here.

This bar is all I have, Sam.

You people are my family.

You're my brother.

Oh, well, you're my
brother, too, norm.

Oh, Sam...

Norm, hey, you're my accountant.

You mean it, Sam?

Right after this tax season.

I'll take it,

but I don't want to beg.

No, no.

So as we see, the roots
of physical aggression

in the male of the species

is found right here in the
old DNA molecule itself.

Right up here at
about 1:00, as I recall.

Fascinating, cliff.

Oh, yes, Diane. Fascinating.

Hold onto your hat, too,

because the very letters "DNA"

are an acronym for the words

"dames are not aggressive."

They stand for
deoxyribonucleic acid.

Yes, but parse that
in the Latin declension,

and my point is still moot.

You know, cliff,

if it's true that a little
knowledge is dangerous,

you are a walking time bomb.

Oh. Thank you, Diane.

Let's talk about the gas
turbine engine for a while.

Coach!

Coach, buy my
buddy a beer, will ya?

Coming up.

Oh, so you didn't resort
to physical violence.

Nope. As a matter of fact,

I want you all to meet
my new accountant.

Yay! All right, norm!

Congratulations, normie.

As it turns out, I've
been with the wrong guy

for the last 10 years.

Thanks, Sam.

Thank you, norm.

Well, this is such
a beautiful moment

seeing you two
friends reconciled,

I could almost cry.

Girls.

Yeah, boy.