Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 13 - Battle of the Exes - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hello, everyone.

Hi, Diane.

Hey, coach,

you know how Sam
is always complaining

that I'm not "spontaneous"?

Yeah. He always
goes something like,

"Diane, can't you be
more spontaneous?"

At any rate, it
really irritates me.

It irritates me, too,

especially when
he goes like that.



Coach, Sam doesn't do that.

You do that.

That doesn't make
it any less irritating.

Today I'm going to do something

unequivocally spontaneous.

May I have the phone, please?

Spontaneous phone.

A classmate in my
Samoan literature class

told me about a
200-year-old country inn

hidden in an island
off the coast of Maine

that you have to be ferried to.

By the time the weekend is over,

he'll think of the
pequod as our place.

Yes, I'd like a room for Malone.



Yes, that's right. Sam Malone.

His usual room?

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Diane, if you're looking
for a place to stay,

there's a lovely
inn up in Vermont

my wife and I used
to drive to all the time.

What inn?

In our station wagon.

Diane, Vera and I once went to

this really beautiful,
romantic old place

called the Fairview
in New Hampshire.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, really romantic.

I mean, they don't have
any telephones or televisions.

Just have these old fireplaces

and these romantic old
feather beds, antiques I think.

So you really have to kind
of snuggle right up there

to your loved one.

Mm-hmm.

The best part about it for me

was they had this beautiful
old romantic circular driveway.

So I didn't even have to stop.

I just rolled through and
yelled, "cancel Peterson!"

Hey, everybody!

Oh, Sam. How would you like

to go away with me this weekend

to a country inn?

Ooh. What inn?

You're welcome to
use my station wagon.

Excuse me?

It's a long story.

I haven't decide
where we'll stay yet,

but I want to pick a
place you've never been,

and we'll leave tonight.

O.k., everybody, listen up!

I'm in the worst
mood of my entire life,

so watch out, don't bug
me, and stay out of my way!

This is the only warning
you're gonna get.

Oh, come on, Carla, turn
that frown upside-down.

Carla, Carla, Carla!

Whoa.

Now, come on. Easy,
easy. Now, come on.

Come on.

Norman, are you all right?

I'm just glad I could
be here for her.

Something's really
bothering Carla, huh?

The man knows women.

Huh?

Listen, uh, maybe, uh,

one of us should go
in there and talk to her.

Who?

I'm thinking of a number
between 1 and 10.

Stop showing
off, will ya, cliffie.

We've got a real problem here.

Coach, I'll go in
and talk to her.

I may be a little while here
and I don't want to be disturbed,

so if I get any phone
calls, just take a message.

Ohh!

Hello. I'm Dr. Paul Kendall.

I'm a licensed psychotherapist

specializing in violent
situations and crisis behavior.

I can help that woman.

Excuse me.

Hello, Carla.

My name is Dr. Paul Kendall.

I'm a licensed psychotherapist.

Oh, hey.

You... you all right?

I never saw her coming.

I think she dropped
from the ceiling.

Why don't you sit
down over there.

We'll buy you a drink.

O.k., that's it. I'll take over.

Coach, maybe...

I'll do it. Let me do it, Sam.

Listen, I know Carla.

I know Carla like
the back of my hand.

What the hell is that?

I never noticed that before.

Coach, maybe you
ought to let her cool down.

Cliffie, what's this on
the back of my hand?

I think...

That Carla very likely

has the kind of problem

with which only
another woman can help.

Carla? This is Diane.

There really is such
a thing as sisterhood.

Carla: Come on in.

We women stand together.

I think even leaders of nations

could learn a great deal

by observing the
women of america...

Ahhh!

Look. You always claim

you know the
answers to everything.

Well, I'm calling your bluff.

I'm going to give you a chance

to handle my problem.

I'll give you 30
seconds. If you blow it,

I'm sending you back out there,

and your face stays here.

Fair enough.

My ex-husband is
getting remarried tonight.

Here's the invite.

How terrible for you.

I understand completely.

You've never really
stopped loving him.

I can see this invitation
is soaked with your tears.

That's my spit.

I don't love that rat,

and I never did!

Sure, there were little
things I loved about him...

Like the way he
flexed his tattoo...

The way the hair
grew in his ears,

the way he drooled in bed.

Carla...

Are you sure there's
nothing left between you?

Nothing!

I'm just ticked because
he's marrying a dish,

and he's rubbing my nose in it.

He even sent a picture
of her with the invitation.

Get a load of that.

She's naked.

So, so is he.

I thought he was
wearing mohair pajamas.

Anyway, he's got
this foxy new broad,

and I can't even get
a date for his wedding.

I thought you were
seeing someone.

His fingerprints grew back.

He had to leave the country.

Well, then take someone else.

If you want to play
this game with Nick,

then take somebody and
pretend he's your fella.

Someone who will
make Nick jealous.

Ooh.

That's good.

Someone tall and
handsome, a hunk.

Maybe Sam...

Great idea!

I'm saved! I'm saved!

Knows somebody.

Maybe Sam knows somebody.

Sam, Diane had this great idea.

No, I didn't.

Don't be modest.

Nick is getting
remarried tonight.

Ah. So that's what
this is all about.

Yeah, well, anyway,
Diane said that you

should be my date
for the wedding tonight

to show Nick that
I'm better than he is.

No. I didn't. It's
a lunatic idea.

Hey, hey, honey, listen, I'm
going away for the weekend.

That's right. Why don't
you pick somebody else?

I'm strapped for
time, and besides,

you're the best-looking
guy in this bar.

Got you there, Sam.
Best-looking guy in the city.

Best-looking guy in the state.

No, he's not. As
a matter of fact,

there's a great-looking
guy who used to drink here.

I think his name
was cliffie clavin.

Hey. I'm Clifford clavin.

Oh, my god.

What did you do to yourself?

He used to look
like Tyrone power.

Yeah, I lost my looks?

No. I think you're
thinking of cliff clemens.

You've never looked
any better than this.

Oh, that's a relief.
Thank you, norm.

Hello, Carla.

Ah!

Oh, my god, it's Nick!

I'll be with you in a minute.

What do you say, Sammy?

Please, please!

Carla, Carla.

It would be a
transparent charade.

Carla, hey, come on, I
know how you and Nick are.

I don't want to get
in the middle of that.

Thanks a lot.

Nick, what are you doing here?

I had a feeling you weren't
going to show up at the wedding.

I wanted you to
meet my fiancee...

Loretta...

And see for yourself

that the photos
were not retouched.

More than I can say for Loretta.

Watch your mouth.

Loretta, this is Carla...

Who I divorced,
for obvious reasons.

Look, Nick, I'm going
to make your day.

You're right. I'm not
coming to your wedding.

No.

I'm aghast!

You knew it the whole time.

Sure I knew, you wouldn't
want to be humiliated

by all the people
whispering at the ceremony,

"boy, look how much
better Nick did this time."

Carla, honey...

You sure you won't
change your mind?

I think we could have a
lot of fun at this wedding.

What about the
weekend in the country?

Well, you two can go
away after the ceremony.

This wedding is special.

What do you say, huh?

Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait.

You and Sam, you're a couple?

Yeah. She put up quite a fight,

but I finally got her.

Sam, I thought you was cool.

[Honk honk honk]

That's us, honey.

I guess the cabbie's
getting tired of waiting.

Yeah, I don't want
to make him angry.

See you two at the wedding, huh?

Yeah, we'll be there, Nick.

This is eerie.

Thank you, Sam. Thank you.

You're sure this is
o.K. With you, Diane?

Certainly.

It really stirred my ire

just watching that bait bucket.

I know.

He still has it, doesn't he?

Boy, I don't know how to thank
you guys for hanging around here.

I always get so nervous
when Sam isn't here

and I have to
cash out by myself.

You came pretty
close tonight, coach.

How close, norm?

You're only off $16,000.

I never had an accounting
course in my life.

You just got a
flare for it, coach.

Thanks, normie.

Coach, listen, I'm
going home to pack.

When Sam gets back from the wedding,
will you tell him something for me?

Sure, honey. Good night.

I didn't tell you
what to tell him.

Oh, I'll think of something.

Tell him I'll be back
as soon as I'm packed,

and we'll leave on our trip.

We'll tell him.

Good night.

So I'm not a pretty boy.

My father wasn't
a pretty boy, either.

He was a beautiful
man. Oh, yeah.

You know what I'm
talking about? Absolutely.

I mean, beautiful... Inside.

Just a beautiful... if you could
have seen that man's insides...

Next time he has an
operation, let me know.

How was the wedding?

Oh, it was so great!

Normie, if there is
such a thing as perfect,

this was it.

Sam kept putting
his arm around me,

hugging me,

whispering in my ear.

Did Nick notice?

Notice? During the ceremony,

he threw the ring at us

and yelled, "pay attention!"

So, coach...

How did we do tonight, huh?

The total's a little
off, Sam, you know.

20, 30,000?

16.

Hey!

Way to go, guy!

You're bucking for
a promotion here.

Well, if it happens, it happens.

Good night, guys.

Good night, Sam.

Good night, coach.

Where's Diane?

Oh, yeah, she
said she's packing,

she'll be back shortly.

Thanks.

Cliff, come on, you've
had a lot to drink tonight.

What do you say I drive
you home? Come on.

Aw, normie, that's great of you.

You're a real friend,
you know that?

You're just a pal
when you need one.

If I ever have kids, I'm
going to name them after you,

even if they're girls.

Please, I'm just gonna
give you a ride home.

Yeah, but I'm going
to throw up in your car.

Coffee, Carla?

Yeah, thanks.

Sam, you were
the greatest tonight.

I got to thank you for
putting up with all that.

Are you kidding me?
I had a terrific time.

You know, somebody should
have said something to Nick.

He went through
the whole ceremony

with his fly open.

No, he knew.

It's a tradition in his family.

A sign of fertility.

Didn't you notice his father

and all the ushers?

Oh, that's right, yeah.

Well, that explains it.

I thought it was 'cause the
building was a little stuffy.

In fact, I flirted
with the idea myself.

You know something, Carla?

What?

You surprised me tonight.

Why?

I never realize just how
much you know about me.

All those stories
about my career...

I mean, you know more
stories about me than I do.

I had to make it look
like the real thing.

Besides, I know
everything about you. Right.

Your favorite color is blue,

your favorite hobby is sailing,

your favorite food is Chinese,

and your taste in women

is not what it used to be.

Right across the
board. You do know me.

A lot better than you know me.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Your favorite meal is
chicken McNuggets.

Your favorite hobby is
drawing underarm hair

on all the models
in vogue magazine.

And your favorite movie
is lady and the tramp.

You always cry when
they come to the part

where they eat the spaghetti.

I didn't think
anybody knew that.

I'll tell you something
else I know about you

that you didn't
think I knew. What?

You go to mass every Sunday.

Who squealed on me?

See? I was just guessing,

but that goes to show
you how well I do know you.

Hey, you know, this conversation
is getting a little soppy.

Why don't we talk
about something else.

Baseball.

Nicky! Nick! Nick!

We're gonna miss the bus.

Keep your pants on!

This will only
take five minutes.

We got forever together.

The ways youse twos was
carrying on at my wedding...

All lovey-dovey and all that...

How long has this thing

been going on between you two?

What's it to you?
Answer the question!

You been seeing him
while we were married?

No. I was always
faithful to you.

Were you seeing Loretta
while we were married?

What am I, on trial here?

The important thing is,

if you was seeing him
when we was married,

our marriage was a lie.

You know, Nick, she's
taken enough abuse from you.

If you don't knock it off,

I'm gonna take you outside

and I'm gonna teach
you some manners.

This will be great.
Nick's a bleeder.

I want to talk to you.

What about?

It's private.

Go on.

All right.

Make it quick.

I want you back.

Nick, you just got married.

Your bride is
standing over there.

Easy come, easy go.

I'll lose her in
the bus station.

That's where I found her.

Nick, are you nuts?

You still got wedding cake
in the corners of your mouth.

I don't know what it is.

Ever time I looked at
you today I said to myself,

"Carla is not so bad."

Maybe I was making a mistake.

I don't know what it is.

What do you say, Carla?

I know what it is.

You saw me with Sam.

You saw that somebody
else wanted me,

so you wanted me back.

Well, forget it!

I wouldn't make the
same mistake twice.

Sure, I'll forget it...

If you can forget this.

So, how's married
life treating you, huh?

Oh, I don't feel so different.

So... what do you say, Carla?

Nothing, Nick.

The magic is gone.

I got myself a better guy.

Uh... I took a shot.

Loretta, you're up!

By the way,

I don't appreciate you
coming to the wedding

in the dress that
you married me in.

Boy, am I primed
for this honeymoon!

So come on, what happened?

What did he say?

He crawled to me, Sam,

and I stepped on his heart.

All right, Carla.
That's terrific.

You must feel great.

Hey, come on.
What's this all about?

Hey, listen, you're on top.

He came back begging,
and you beat him.

What are you so upset about?

I didn't beat him.

He only wanted me

because he thought you did.

What he has is real.

All I have is a lie,

and my life is terrible.

Aw, hey...

Come on, Carla.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come on.

Ooh.

Well, uh...

You know what
that was, don't you?

No. Do you?

I think so.

Good. What was it?

Well, uh...

We've been
together all afternoon

and all over each other.

It's just the
natural thing to do.

That wasn't it.

Well, what was it?

It was a pity kiss.

I've gotten them,
I've given them,

and I know what they are.

So have I, and that wasn't one.

Then what was it?

Maybe we just wanted
to find out what it'd be like.

Maybe.

So, uh, what was it like?

What was it like for you?

I've had better.

Well, I haven't.

I know.

Well...

Whatever it was, it's over now.

Yeah.

Ain't gonna let
that get in the way

of a good friendship, huh?

If it picks you up any,

I never had a better handshake.

Hi, guys.

Well, what happened?

Oh, it was great.

We made a shambles
of the wedding.

Yeah, Diane, I want
to thank you. Sam...

Tonight the three
of us joined together

and were able to make
another human being

eat his liver.

Life, I love you!

Good night.

Well, Sam, I'm ready
for our weekend.

You sure you got everything?

I believe in being prepared.

With all this luggage,

I hope you didn't forget to pack

that frilly black baby doll
nightie I love so much.

I'm sorry, Sam.
It's at the cleaners.

Couldn't you wear
something else?

Just this once.

O.k., but if I don't like it,

we come right home.

O.k.