Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 12 - Where There's a Will... - full transcript

A dying man wants to leave $100,000 in his will to the gang at Cheers. But everybody fights over how much money each person will get.

Yeah, that was my
postal supervisor.

They need me down
at the branch office

to help handle
that holiday deluge.

Ah, terrific, and now this.

My coat's underneath this mess.

All right, everybody,
come on up here

and get your jackets, will you?

This is official
government business.

Carla.

Got it, Sam.

Stand back.



I'm going in.

I'll find you, you little...

[Cheering]

Carla, this is
obviously not my...

Put it on, or I tear off the
clothes you're wearing.

Yes, ma'am. Yes.
God bless you, Carla.

Ah, well, at least dogs
won't attack their own, huh?

♪ Making the way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪

♪ sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪



♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you want to be ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ you want to go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you want to go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Allow me.

Thank you.

Watch this.

How do you do that
without burning your hand?

I don't.

Sam, show her some
of the other tricks.

Oh? You know a
lot of tricks, do you?

Yeah, I know my share.

Show her the one about
the disappearing girlfriend.

Come on. You're
going to like this one.

Watch this.

Woo! Ooh! Ooh!

Good evening. Welcome to cheers.

What can I get you?

What's your
bartender's specialty?

He's got a great batch of hot
buttered rum going. How's that?

Sounds good. Make it a double.

I've just had the
worst day of my life.

Well, you know
what I always say?

Life is like a Chinese banquet.

Between the peeking duck
and the sweet and sour fish,

you have to expect a
little chicken feet soup.

So laugh, darn you, laugh.

I've just been told I
have six months to live.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to be facetious.

I'm terribly sorry.

I went on and on like a ninny.

Maybe I should
get you something?

Sam, how do you do this
trick? You know, that one?

It's all in your mind, Carla.

The trick is, while
you're doing it,

think about the most
pleasant thing in your life.

Being burned by this match

would be the most
pleasant thing in my life.

Sam?

Yeah.

You have to talk to that man

over there alone at the table.

Why?

Well, he came in here
because he just found out

he's got six months to live.

Oh, come on. You sure
that's not just an opening line?

Sam, what kind of a reptile

would say something like that

as a sexual overture?

Nobody. I mean, not
me, that's for sure.

Well, he seems to
want to talk about it.

I'll talk to him.

How do you cheer someone up

who's got six months to live?

I'll tell him I have five.

What is he drinking?

Hot buttered rums.

Hey, everybody, now,
watch this. Watch this.

Hey, way to go, coach.

You must have a
high threshold of pain.

I don't know the
meaning of the word.

Heh heh. Pretty tough guy.

No, he doesn't know
what threshold means.

Thanks, normie.

Hi. Can I join you?

My name's Sam Malone.
I'm the owner of the bar.

Malcolm Kramer. How do you do?

Before I retired,

I owned a chemical
plant outside of Chicago.

You know, this may
be none of my business,

but have you thought about
getting a second opinion?

I mean, doctors
do make mistakes.

Every doctor I've been to has
given me the same diagnosis...

And I've been to 12 of the
world's leading specialists.

Maybe you'd get better news

if you went to a quack.

How's your drink?

Excellent. You're a
very good bartender.

[Laughter]

They sound as if they're
having a good time.

You know, I worked my
way through Harvard business

tending bar.

Some of the best
years of my life.

You think you
still got the touch?

You mean it?

Why not? Come on.

We only got two
rules around here.

No empty glasses on the bar,

and if somebody belts you,

just blame a waitress.

You got it.

♪ Oh, lord, I wish
that I'd been born ♪

♪ in Borneo, ichaboo
ichaboo ichaboo... ♪

♪ Say, can you picture me ♪

♪ beneath the pepper tree ♪

♪ I'd be so peppery ♪

♪ with all those
wild ol' women ♪♪

[cheering]

Norm: He did it!

What am I yelling about?

I bet against him.

Thank you very much.

You lose it.

This guy's terrific.

I mean, he's a
great story teller,

and he really knows
what he's doing.

I mean, really we should have
an older guy behind the bar.

Customers would like it.

What about you, coach?

Oh, I'd like it, too.

I'll think about it.

Thanks, Sam.

Hey, we're getting
low on beer mugs.

Can someone wash these
out for me here, please?

I'd love to.

You like washing glasses?

You bet. Suddenly I feel like
an 18-year-old college boy.

Me, too.

See one around?

You're on, cutey.

♪ How the reindeers
loved him... ♪♪

It's about time you got back.

What's the big deal? The wind
shot right through that old thing.

And those lifesavers had
to be at least a year old.

Boy, if Boston ever knew how
close it came to catastrophe,

there'd be panic in the streets.

Kramer, that's cliff.
He's my best friend.

Give him a beer.

That's Mr. Kramer.
He's a customer.

Customer? Why, if
it's all the same to you,

I'd rather have my potables
prepared by a competent mixologist.

Cliff, you wanna be
a little sensitive here?

Sam's letting him
do this as a favor.

Doc says he's going
belly up in a few months.

Ah, gee, I'm sorry to hear that.

Those are the breaks, huh?

Yeah.

Mr. Kramer, I'm
sorry to do this to you,

but you wanted me to let
you know when it was 11:00.

Oh, right. I got
a plane to catch.

Oh, gee, you really
going to leave?

Yes. I don't want them

to call me the late
Malcolm Kramer

before it's official. Ha ha!

Thank you, Sam.

Any time, Malcolm.

Listen, you come back before...

Soon.

Come back real soon.

Good night, everybody,
and thank you.

I've had a wonderful
time just when I needed it.

Someday, I hope
you'll appreciate

how much I really did enjoy it.

Nice meeting you.
Thank you. Bye.

Good-bye, Mr. Kramer.

That's a nice guy.

Thanks, norm.

My pop always told
me to say good-bye.

[Tapping on glass]

Excuse me.

What you people did this evening

was magnificent.

It strengthened in
me a faith in humanity

that gets a little
shaky at times.

And I want you all to know

that there's nothing I
wouldn't do for any of you.

Hot dog!

Drop the skivvies and dance.

Yeah!

Ha ha ha!

Maggots!

Ok. Ok. Who's the wise guy

who shoved the
I.O.U. In the tip glass?

Let me see this.

It's not an I.O.U.

This is...

It's a bunch of writing I don't
understand is what this is.

Is it in a foreign tongue?

No, no. It's English.

In your case, that
qualifies. Hey, huh?

All right, um...

"To whom it may concern,

"please be advised that herewith

"I amend my will to
provide the following.

"As a token for their kindness,

"I leave the sum of...

"$100,000 to the gang at cheers.

Signed, Malcolm Kramer."

Is this a joke?

Cliff, check that
out, see if it's valid.

Well, uh, yeah, I don't
want to pronounce judgment

too hastily, coach,

but, why, I think
there is precedent

in the case of penoya vs. Net

when it was found
that jurisprudence

is the better part of diction.

Tom, you're a
lawyer, aren't you?

I work for the law firm
of sing and fleckman.

Take a look at this, will you,
and tell me what it means.

Well, I presume his intent here

was to have everybody at cheers

split up $100,000 when he dies.

I'll be darned. I heard
him say he was rich,

but I thought it was a line.

Oh, Sam, who would
use a line like that?

Not me.

100 grand.

Now, what does that
come out to each?

Looks like approximately $2,500.

Minus my accounting fee,

that's 100 bucks.

We each get 100 bucks?

No. You split 100 bucks.

Get out of here. Wait a
minute! Wait a minute!

It doesn't say anything
about dividing it equally.

There are a lot of these people
here who didn't give the guy

the time of day, you know.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait a minute.

It doesn't matter anyway.

This paper is worthless.

Look, look, in order
for a will to be valid

according to Massachusetts law,

the stipulations must be precise

and the document's
gotta be signed

by at least three witnesses.

This isn't. I'm sorry.

Oh, hey, come on.
It's a beautiful souvenir

of an evening of
generosity and good will.

To hell with that!

I want my money!

Money! Money!

Money! Money!

Wait. Hey. I got an idea
here. I think I got an idea.

If we can bring him back

and get him to
write a valid will,

and then he could stipulate

exactly who he wants
to get how much.

Sure. The guy's on
his way to the airport.

Well, if you hurry, you
can catch him at the hotel.

All right, I'll go get him.

Yeah, but why you?

Well, he liked me
best. Oh, yeah, norm?

What makes you think so?

Well, he embraced
me, if you must know.

What are you talking
about? We never saw that.

It wasn't an overt embrace.

It was more like we
hugged with our eyes.

Look, whoever goes is
gonna have an opportunity

at sweet-talking the guy,

so I think we'd
better send somebody

that we all trust.

Yeah. Absolutely. Ok. I'll go.

You'd shoot your mother
in the back for two bits.

Hey, hey! My mother's a Saint!

Why don't you send coach?

Y'all trust coach, don't you?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Ok. Here I go.

I'm with it.

Let's go! Let's go!

Go, coach.

Coach, just play it cool.

We don't want to
appear too eager

and scare the guy
off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tell him his adopted
son norm sends his love.

Right, norm. Hey, listen. I
want all you guys to know

that it's an honor and privilege

that you picked me for this job.

I hope I can answer
all of your expectations.

What were your expectations?

Get out of here! Hurry!

Yeah, yeah, coach has been
gone nearly an hour, normie.

Yeah, wonder what he's up to.

Ok, Sammy, ok.

This is it.

This will satisfy

the commonwealth
of Massachusetts,

and all we need is
Kramer's signature,

three witnesses. We got it.

Hey, just because
you did a little typing,

don't think you're
gonna get a bigger cut.

Hey, hey, hey, listen, uh...

On behalf of the
federal government,

I'd better take a look at this.

Well, you misspelled
Massachusetts

first of all.

Well, look, on the face of it,

this is all prima facius

non corpus interruptus anyhow.

Quit wasting our time now.

This guy, I don't know.

Hey, what kind of
lawyer are you anyway?

You wouldn't know if I told you.

Oh, yeah? Well, try
me, Raymond birdbrain.

Well, I'm not actually
an attorney yet.

I'm taking my bar
exam next month.

All right, the guy's here
here on false pretenses.

Yeah, let's strip him and
boot him out in the snow.

Hey, hey, hey! Come on!

Whoa, take it easy, will ya?

This is getting
crazy. Settle down.

Hey, they're back!

Hurray for Mr. Kramer.

What took you so long, coach?

Oh, Sam, I had to dig the
car out, put on the tire chains...

You didn't you just take a cab?

Well, I figured
it wasn't worth it.

The hotel's only a block away.

I want you to say hello to
my best friend Mr. Kramer.

Coach said there was
some problem about my will?

Mr. Kramer, you made a
wonderful gesture to these people,

and now they're
asking you to repeat it.

You do that to me every night.

I'm waiting for
you to get it right.

Mr. Kramer, it was
a wonderful gesture,

but you didn't tell us

how you wanted
us to split it up.

Yeah, you see, what we
got here is a real problem.

Who gets what?

These bozos...

Or my five precious children?

Posing for this picture

is the longest
they've ever stood

without crutches.

Put all those monsters
somewhere else.

It's tonight that counts.

Remember those
great times we had

standing right over there?

Mr. Kramer, how
can you ever forget

that delightful walk you and
I took over to the jukebox?

Hey, don't forget who you
turned to in your hour of need

when you wanted to
know what time it was.

You didn't tell me.

Hey, what am I, big Ben?

Mr. Kramer,

why don't you just give all
your money to your relatives?

Diane, no. No.

I don't have any
close relatives.

Well, you do now, mervin.

My name is Malcolm.

May I call you mervin?

That was... that was
my father's name.

Mr. Kramer, you
could give this money

to charity.

Hey, I am charity.

Beat it. Beat it.

Sam, I don't have any
time to deal with this.

Besides, life's too short.
I have a plane to catch.

I'm going to sign the
money all over to you

and you can divide
it as you see fit.

No, no, Mr. Kramer...

Sorry, Sam, I've got to run.

Don't do this to me.

Good-bye, everybody.
Good night, and thanks again.

Good night, Mr. Kramer.

Yeah, yeah. Don't be
a stranger. Sammy...

Hey, come on,
would you? Stop it.

Now, I'm gonna try to
divide this up fair and square,

but please, just no appeals
to friendship and sentiment.

None of that kissy, kissy stuff.

How much evidence
do you need, Sam?

Does there have to be bloodshed?

Destroy the will.

Let's kill her!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, wait.

[Bell clangs]

What's it gonna be, Sam?

Yeah, come on,
Sammy, walk like a man.

Ok. Everybody in this room
right now gets an equal share.

And that's it.

[All clamor]

[Bell clangs]

[Gasps]

Sam!

Now it's over. It's done.

Let's just everybody
get back to normal here.

We should've killed her
when we had the chance.

Well, now, I hope that's
taught you all a lesson.

Coach, you mean about not
being greedy about money?

No. Always dispose of
flaming materials properly.

I guess we should've known.

Guys like us don't
get that kind of money.

Well, look at it this way, guys.

We're no poorer now than we
were when we came in here tonight.

Yeah, you can talk. You'll
be a lawyer someday.

Yeah, yeah, but a bad one.

Hey, will you give me a break?

Well, cheers is cheers again...

And I'm relieved.

I'm going to go thank Sam,

and all of you should, too.

And by the way, with all
the insanity about the will,

no one said a word
about my new hairdo.

It stinks. It stinks.

There, now, was that so hard?

Sam...

What you did out there
was fine and noble,

and I'm very proud of you.

I can tell by your
look on your face

that you're proud
of yourself, huh?

Yes, Diane, I am.

I'm... I'm proud and...

Rich.

What's that?

This little baby is my
ticket to happiness.

This is the will. I palmed
it, and I burned a phony.

What? How?

Are you kidding me?

I do magic, remember?

Watch this.

[Humming]

Ooh, looky here.

That was the most avaricious,

unregenerate, rapacious
thing you've ever done.

Wait a second here.

A couple of those words
didn't sound very nice.

How's this?

You have sunk so low,

you would need a ladder
to kiss a snake's hiney.

Well, that's clear, but why?
I thought I was pretty good.

I saw what those
people were doing,

going at each other's
throats out there.

It occurred to me this was
the best possible solution.

Hmm.

Oh, come on, come
on, look at it logically.

How are you going to explain

your newfound riches to them?

Give me a little credit here.

I'm not gonna change
my lifestyle all of a sudden.

My purchases will be simple.

A television maybe,

a pair of shoes,

a couple pair of pants,

a trip to the canaries

in my brand-new 60-foot yacht.

Oh, I know what
you're worried about.

Hey, come on, you're my sweetie.

I want to split the
money with you.

Think about all the
good you can do

with this money
out there, huh, huh?

What good could come of this?

Charities...

Well, I suppose one
could do wonders with...

A lot of money,

if one were so inclined.

I could donate to
environmental charities.

Donate!

Fight world hunger,

save endangered species,

and grab up that fabulous
silk dress at claudine's.

Yes, yes!

Oh, no! Now I'm doing it.

I won't let you do
this to your friends.

What are you gonna
do? Rat on me?

Uh-huh. Oh, wait a
second here. Wait a second.

This is what we're talking
about here, isn't it, huh?

You're crazy.

Oh, yeah, well, I may be
crazy, but I'm not stupid.

You're very stupid.

I'll tell you how stupid I am,

I see through you like a book.

Ah, that's stupid.

You want my money.

What are you going to do? Are you
gonna blackmail me for it, is that it?

Ha ha! Aw, you just
lost your boat ride, baby.

You can't slap
me. I'm a rich guy.

How much longer are
you going to do this?

I don't know you. I've
never seen you like this,

and I don't like it.

Come on, come on. Don't
let this come between us.

I want you to help
me spend the money.

Come on, it's gonna
make us so happy.

It's already making
me miserable.

Well, just wait till you
see the fun we have

out on that boat together.

Damn, boy!

If that guy would just
kick off in four months,

we could have that baby
in the Atlantic by spring.

Did you hear what you just said?

Oh, my god.

That was a horrible
thing to say, wasn't it?

Six months would be fine.

We could catch the Gulf stream.

Sam!

Oh, what's happening to me?

I'm turning into
a horrible person.

Yes, you are.

I'm gonna do what
I should've done

the minute I set
eyes this evil thing...

I'm gonna destroy it
before it destroys me.

Oh...

Oh...

That was the right
thing to do, Sam.

Now, let's just forget that
any of this ever happened.

Oh, yes. Let's.

Oh...

I hate myself for
what I just thought.

No. No, I won't even say it.

I know you didn't,
but let me know better.

Oh, come on, come on,

do you think that I'd really
do something like that again

after what I just went through?

I'm sorry.

Well, I...

Of course not.

Any person who would
do something that vile

would have guilt
eating away at his guts

for the rest of his life.

Thank you.

I hate her.

I really, really do. I
hate her so much.