Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 11 - Just Three Friends - full transcript

"Cheers" is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Sammy!

Oh, Sam.

Yeah, what, coach?

Listen, I think I
found the answer

to all the robberies
in this neighborhood.

Coach, don't worry about
it. I'm gonna get an alarm.

No, no. This is much better.

This friend of mine has this
huge, I mean, gigantic attack dog.

Bu he's gotten so mean
lately, he can't handle him.



That would be perfect
protection for us from burglars.

Coach, maybe so, but what
are we gonna do with one?

I mean, where are
we gonna keep a dog?

[Growling]

I figured the office.

[Woof woof]

[Scratching]

He's vicious!

Coach, get that dog
the hell out of here.

How?

I don't know how. How did you
get it in here in the first place?

He was in a cage when
they brought him in.

I think he ate it.

This is ridiculous.



How am I gonna use my office?

Excuse me, Sammy. What?

In my profession, you
become accustomed

to dealing with bellicose
canine personalities.

Allow me.

What are you going
to do, mace him?

No, no, Carla,
that's much too cruel.

I find in dealing with animals,

it's better to be
kind, yet firm.

[Growling]

Sit!

He is sitting, cliff.

Nuke the beast, Sam.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Gee, Sam, I'm so sorry.

Coach, get on the phone.

I want the owner over here
to get the dog out of here.

The owner. The phone.

Hello, everyone.

[Carla] Goody. Diane is here.

This is Heather Landon,

my oldest friend.

Meet her this morning?

That's Carla.

She likes a little
witty repartee.

She's just not capable of it.

Heather, I want you
to meet someone else...

Right over here.

Coach Ernie pantuso.

How do you do, Mr. Pantuso?

Hi, Heather. Listen, you can call
me coach or by my other nickname.

What other nickname?

Satchmo.

Coach, you're thinking
of Louis Armstrong.

No, but I like that even better.

Can I get you something
to drink, honey?

Oh, um... Coffee?

Thank you.

Now, down here,

these two gentlemen
are cliff and Norman,

two of our most
regular regulars.

Hi.

Hiya. Pleased to do you.

I mean, uh... How do I meet me?

I, uh... Ah, forget it.

Smooth, cliff.

I hate her.

I love this place. It's
got a great feeling.

Yeah, I knew you'd like it.

Sam, I tried reaching
the owner. No answer.

O.k. Thank you, coach.

You can call me Louis Armstrong.

That must be your sammykins.

He's gorgeous. He's
just as you described him.

Hey.

Hi.

But you didn't do
justice to his Cologne.

And you wanted me to switch.

See?

Heather Landon,

meet Sam "I reek,
therefore I am" Malone.

How do you do?

Oh, Heather. Heather.

I've heard Diane
babble about you a lot.

You grew up together, right?

Well, practically. We were
in grade school together.

Heather hasn't changed a bit.

Must have been
some grade school.

She just moved into
town. Isn't that wonderful?

That's great.

I have to warn you, when we
get together, we get a little goofy.

I should have bought
one of those big goofies.

I hear they're on sale.

Oh, cute and funny.

You got lucky this time, Diane.

Look at that, norm,
just like the rest of them.

Hung up on looks,
personality, and style.

Sam...

Heather and I were best
friends in fourth grade.

We always got in trouble.

I've hate to tell you some of
the things she got me to do...

Remember the prank phone calls?

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Ahem.

This is the wtrm radio contest.

For a trip to Hawaii,

name three cars
that start with "p."

Go ahead.

Porsche, Plymouth, and Pontiac.

No, I'm sorry. Those
cars start with gas.

Har har.

It's pathetic.

Come on, Heather,
I'll show you the place.

It was nice meeting you, Sam.

I'm just sorry Diane
got to you first.

Yeah, I often regret there's
so many women out there

and only one of me.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

What's wrong, Sam?

Are you kidding me?
You didn't see that?

See what?

What are you talking about?

Guys, Diane's best
friend just came on to me.

You're crazy.

You're with Diane, so
she thinks you're safe.

Forget about what she's saying.

I'm talking about
vibrations here.

Listen, I know women.

Diane's friend wants me.

All right, I know
a thing or 2 here.

I've had experience
with this sort of thing.

You, norm?

Yeah.

When I was dating Vera,

her little sister always
used to prance around

wearing nothing but a bikini

or flimsy little
shorts or something.

Yeah, she used to sit in my lap,

make little jokes, whisper
in my ear how sexy I was.

So I did it. I went
ahead and asked her out.

She turned me down flat.

Vera knows this?

Yeah, she was there at the
time. She was really furious.

I bet she was. I'm surprised
she even married you.

Yeah, well, the
ceremony was in progress.

Really wasn't
much to do about it.

No, no. Look, I know what
you guys are talking about.

There's a lot more going
on here. Just trust me.

Come on, Sam, she
seems like such a sweet kid.

Yeah.

Yes, well, just as
every good author

has had to work among
the common people

for material.

Ooh, muscles.

Yeah, I think Sammy's
onto something here.

The woman's obviously a Vixen.

Look, she's undressing
every man in the bar

with her eyes right now.

No wonder I felt such a chill.

Well, that's our little pub.

Oh, Diane, she
hasn't seen all of it yet.

You didn't show
her Sam's office.

Oh, right.

No, Carla!

Get her!

[Growling]

Aah! Aah!

Just some of that
witty repartee you love.

Carla, that was a
lousy thing to do.

What the hell is that?

Uh, it's an attack dog

a friend of mine gave me, Diane.

He's good, huh?

Excellent.

Coach, get on the
phone right away.

The phone.

Diane, are you all right?

Oh, yes. You trained me well.

Listen, I've really
got to be going.

Oh, right.

But you and I and Sam
will have dinner tonight.

I'm going to cook.

Why?

Well, to celebrate.

Now that Heather's
going to be living here,

I want the three of us to
become really good friends.

And I have a
special recipe to try...

My own veal Oscar.

That's the award you get

if you can act like you like it.

Heather, would you mind
hanging on here just for a second?

A second?

I want to talk to
Diane in private.

Oh, sure, sure. Oh, I know
what you're going to do.

[Imitates kissing]

I'll finish my
coffee. Ok, all right.

Sam, no answer yet. Yeah, what?

Just keep trying. Keep trying.

Look, sweetheart...

Grrr!

Hey, hey, come on.

Listen, Heather's o.K. And all,

but, uh, I don't think

we should hang out together
too much if you don't mind.

Why not?

Well, I just don't think the
2 of us hit it off that well.

Oh, you hit it off great.

She said she's nuts about you.

Oh, yeah, I'll bet she
did. I'll bet she did.

Listen, I didn't want
to have to tell you this

because you're pals and all,

but she's coming on
to me gangbusters.

What are you looking
at me like that for?

I can't believe
you're saying this.

Well, I'll tell you something
else, I need a little help here

because I don't have that much
experience saying no to women.

The closest I've ever gotten

is, "not now. We're landing."

Hey, I'm just telling you this

because I think you ought to
keep the 2 of us apart, that's all.

What?

This is staggering.

Do you think that
every woman you see

is attracted to you?

Honey, I've had enough
women come on to me

to know when it's
happening, and it's happening.

I guess there's only
one way to convince you.

Heather.

W-Wait a minute.

What are you doing? Diane, whoa.

I'm going to ask her.

On, on, please don't do that!

I'm sorry if it embarrasses you,

but it serves you right.

Heather.

Honey, I'm sorry if this will
make you uncomfortable,

but I want this out of the way

so that the three
of us can proceed

to form a lasting friendship.

Sam just now mistook
your innocent flirtation

for a sexual overture.

Oh.

Will you explain to
him your real feelings?

Certainly.

Sam, I want you, and I
don't care who knows it.

What?

Gotcha!

You're very attractive, Sam, but for
me to give up my friendship with Diane,

you'd have to be rich, too.

See you tonight for dinner. Bye.

See you later.

No, ma'am. I'm sorry.

Those cars start with gas.

Let's call your mother now.

Get out of here!

Whitey, whitey,
whitey, whitey, whitey,

you're making a mistake.

What do you mean?

That so-called friend
of yours is hot for Sam.

You, too? Everyone
here is insane.

Why would you think that?

'Cause Sam thinks it.

Not anymore, he doesn't.

I trust his first instincts.

When it comes to dames,

Sam's got, like, an antenna

that picks up things
that you and I miss.

It's like when dogs and cats
know an earthquake's coming.

Nobody could explain that.

Well, that's simple, Carla.

You see, there are fissures
and cracks in the surface...

Of your brain.

Please, don't distract
Diane from her suffering.

Diane, believe me,
you're being dense.

If Sam says that
woman is hot for him,

bank on it.

Oh, it's ludicrous.

You know, the more
I think about this,

the more I'm looking
forward to tonight.

I've never had a woman
just as a friend before.

I think this will be
really good for me.

Tonight?

Yeah. Tonight, remember?

You're cooking that
Oscar Mayer thingy.

Veal Oscar.

Sam, I've had second
thoughts about that.

Did you know that veal
comes from baby cows?

If you think that
I would take part

in such a senseless
slaughter, I...

Hey, have whatever you
want. Open a can of beans.

The important thing is
getting to know Heather.

I think just being friends with
a sexy woman like Heather

is a big step in my maturity.

Hey, Sam? Yeah?

We got to get into
that office to get stock.

We're running out of gin,

and the Kahlua
martinis aren't moving.

You know, it's not
right to ask you to dinner

when you've got so
much on your mind.

You know, the
dog and everything.

Don't worry about the dog.

I'll take care of
the dog right now.

One step ahead of you, Sammy.

I'm mixing a complimentary
cocktail for the mutt.

All right.

I finally got hold
of the owner, Sam,

and he said booze
calms him right down.

Oh, good.

I just hope the guy's thirsty.

Be careful.

[Growling]

[Sniffing]

[Drinking]

[Panting]

[Woof]

[Thud]

Oh, look at him. Aw.

He's just a big puppy dog.

Whoa, whoa!

Yes, you're a big
doggy. Yes, you are.

There's only one problem, Sam.

Yeah, what?

The owner said booze
makes the dog very amorous.

Oh, yeah?

[Norm] Aw, good boy. Yes, he is.

He's a good boy.

Hey, not that good! Whoa! Hey!

[Knock on door]

Come on in, Heather.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, something smells great.

Why, thank you.

Dinner's almost ready.

Make yourself at home.

All right. Thank you.

Well, what do you think?

About what?

About this dress. I
just bought it today.

I saw it, and I had to have it.

Why did you buy a
dress today of all days?

You come into the bar,
you meet everybody,

and go out and get a
"come get me" dress?

Explain yourself.

I just saw it today.

Oh.

Of course.

You did what anyone in
your position would have done.

Diane, is everything all right?

Yes, yes.

You sure?

Yes, of course.

Back to work.

I sure like Sam.

Slut!

What?

I... I said, uh, thanks a lot.

Oh. Oh.

You're welcome.

[Knock on door]

Sam?

Malone. One for dinner.

Do you have reservations?

Plenty of them,

but I came anyway.

How are you doing?
Oh, here you go.

Oh, nice. Thanks.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, Sam. How you doing?

Listen, I want to
apologize for this afternoon.

I was a little... I
was a little crazy.

Here you go.

I think the three of us

are gonna be real
good friends now.

Don't you think?

Yeah, I think so, too.

Yeah, me, too.

Let's get to dinner.

Whoa. What's the rush?

Well, the sooner we begin,

the sooner we can finish,

and then we can be finished.

Ahh.

Isn't friendship great?

Yeah.

What's that saying
about friends and lovers?

Oh, yeah. "Friends and lovers...

Don't leave home without them."

Very funny!

Yeah. Wait a minute.

You're ticklish.

Oh, you are!

Will you...

No! Please!

Dinnertime!

You don't have to shout.

We can hear you, you know?

Yes, of course.

Hunger makes me want to shout.

Well, come on.

Whoa.

Sorry I don't have place cards.

Oh, that's all right. We'll
just put Sam in the middle

so we can share him.

Okey-doke.

Excusez-moi.

I think this is gonna be great,

just the three of us.

Three good friends.

Yeah, like Porthos,
athos, and aramis.

There you go.

I don't think Sam
knows that reference.

Hey, I may not read books,

but I know good music.

Supremes, right?

Fabulous.

Hey. Yeah, sometimes
I surprise her.

I bet you do.

O.k., well, here we go.

Hope you didn't have
spaghetti for lunch.

I thought we were
having veal Oscar.

There are remnants
of it in the sauce.

I thought we weren't going
to do anything with veal.

Um, well, this sucker
was already dead.

Well, it looks divine, Diane.

Aw, thanks.

Bon appetit.

Oh, Diane, remember the way we used
to eat "pasghetti" when we were kids?

No.

Like this.

Oh, that was good.

That was good.

All right, let me try.

You got some sauce
on your blouse there.

Oh.

Thanks for your discretion.

This is wonderful spaghetti.

Mmm.

Mmm.

And the pasta is
cooked just perfectly.

Oh, yeah.

It's firm, yet it
yields to the bite.

That's exactly the
way it should be.

Here, take a bite
off the end of this.

Oh, yeah, that's
good. Here, try mine.

Oh, yours?

There you go.

Oh, yours is good, too.

Mmm! Oh, boy.

Oh...

What?

Mmm. This garlic
bread is magnificent.

Yeah, I'll...

Wait. Have some of mine.

Ooh, hot, hot, hot!

You don't even have to chew it.

You set it in your
mouth, and it melts.

Boy, yeah. Good eats. Good eats.

Oh, you have a little sauce

right there in the...

Here?

Don't want to waste it.

The other side there.

Hmm? Hmm?

Stop it!

Stop it right now!
I mean it, Heather!

What?

What? You know what.

You know perfectly well what.

You think I don't know
what's going on here?

Spaghetti, sauce, bread...

Have you no shame?

Now what the hell's
the matter with you?

I know what that was all about.

You think I don't know
what noodles mean

in sexual lingo?

And sauce?

I read my Freud.

Diane, we were just
enjoying the meal.

Oh, don't give me that.

That meal's inedible.

You know something,

you're doing the same
thing I did this afternoon,

and you called me nuts.

No, Sam, it's all right.

It's not surprising.

It's just I'm a very sort of
friendly and outgoing person.

Sometimes people
misinterpret it.

I'm just very surprised
it came from you, Diane.

Yeah, me, too.

Oh, Heather.

What am I saying?

I must really be
paranoid, mustn't I?

No.

It's happened to me before.

It's happened to
everyone before.

Heather...

I'm so sorry.

She didn't mean it, Heather.

How can you be eating now?

I've eaten through
worse than this.

Well...

Goodbye.

Heather, where are you going?

You're not leaving, are you?

Well, paranoid or not,

I'm obviously making
Diane uncomfortable.

Honestly, no!

Our friendship is the most
important friendship in my life,

and I would never,
never do anything

to intentionally hurt it.

Please forgive me and stay.

Oh, of course.

Couldn't throw away 20 years.

Aw, that's beautiful.

I just want to thank you

for letting me be part of
this. That was very sweet.

Oh, Sam.

You are so sweet.

Aw, hey, well...

Yeah. Hey.