Cheers (1982–1993): Season 2, Episode 1 - Power Play - full transcript

POWER PLAY

Remember the day I said
you are the nuttiest, stupidest,

phoniest fruitcake I ever met.

- You are the most arrogant...
- Shut up!

- Shut your fat mouth.
- Make me.

Make you? I'm going to bounce you
off every wall in this office.

Try it and you'll walk funny tomorrow.

Or should I say funnier.

You know,
I always wanted to pop you one.

Maybe this is my lucky day.

- You disgust me.
- Are you as turned on as I am?



- More.
- Bet me.

- It sure got quiet all of a sudden.
- You don't think he killed her?

No. Even in death,
she wouldn't be that quiet.

What do you think they're doing
if they're not fighting?

- Isn't it nice that we're not fighting?
- Yes.

Let's go someplace where we can feeI
free to express what we're feeling.

- Great. How about the couch?
- The couch.

- Who said we had to be serious?
- Will you stop joking?

I want to go someplace intimate,
someplace romantic.

Yeah. OK. Romantic. Yeah.

My apartment?

- Your apartment?
- There I go again.

- I think that's a good idea.
- That's why I said it.

Your apartment. The place you spend
half your life and I've never even seen it.



I think you're going to like it.

I'll give you my famous guided tour.

Starting in the bedroom.

And ending in heaven.

- Come on.
- Sam.

- What?
- I've changed my mind.

I mean about your apartment.
You'll think I'm overly sensitive,

but, Sam,
you've been with a lot of women.

I have not. There have not been many.

It gets exaggerated here.
There haven't been many.

- How many have there been?
- Well, I don't know. Maybe four hun...

Four honeys. Maybe that's more than
my share, but it's all behind me now.

You see, that's what I mean.
I want to be speciaI.

I want to go someplace
you've never been with a woman.

All right. OK. That's easy enough.

Like where?

- How about a hoteI?
- Yeah. That's great.

- One you've never been to with anyone.
- All right.

That's easy.

Let's see. Hotels.

There we go. No.

No.

- Well, I'll be darned.
- Forget it.

Come on. We're being silly here.
Why don't we go to your place?

- Well, I guess that could be all right.
- Great.

Wait. Sam, it's so filthy.

It doesn't have to be
if we care about each other.

What?

No. I mean my apartment.
I haven't straightened it up for days.

I don't care. As long as we're together,
it doesn't matter where we are.

Sam, that's beautifuI.

We're not talking pigsty here, are we?

- No, of course not.
- All right, then. Come on.

- OK.
- Boy!

She'd better be great.

I know you must be curious about
what Sam and I were talking about.

We want to be totally honest with you.

It is said that fools rush in
where wise men fear to tread.

But the heart has a wisdom of its own

and Sam and I have decided to traverse
the fall line of our aloneness.

- What's she talking about?
- I don't know.

- Is this what we were talking about?
- Of course.

We decided
we're going to start messing around.

- That's good. Great.
- So we'll see you all later.

Wait. I feeI damned by faint praise.
What's wrong?

- What do you mean?
- Nothing's wrong.

You don't seem very happy
about our announcement.

You know, Diane, it's just kind of sudden.

- It's just happening kind of fast.
- We wish you all the luck in the world.

It won't be enough.

I know you're thinking we have
different backgrounds and dreams.

Well, let me tell you, we have one thing
very much in common...

I got it. They were both born brunette.

We are willing to be vulnerable
to one another.

I see a trip to ye old leash
and leather shop coming up.

I am sorry that you're all so cynicaI
that you can't accept Sam and me.

It doesn't bother us.
We believe in us, right?

You bet. It'll be great. I may have to work
harder on this one, but it'll be worth it.

- Thank you, Sam.
- You're welcome.

Now, if you will excuse us, we are going
to go out and begin our lives together.

There's more to heaven and earth
than is dreamt of in your beer mugs.

- What do you mean work a little harder?
- I didn't mean anything.

I think they might have misunderstood.

Thanks for picking the flowers
for me in the park.

Thank you for paying the fine.

We make a good team.
So what do you think of my place?

Very nice. Is this the bedroom?

Nice? I want you to know that I'm putting
a lot of energy into the decorating.

- It shows. Where's the light?
- Over by the bed.

I think I stepped on your cat.
My God, I think I killed it.

- My mistake. I stepped on your giraffe.
- Mr Jammers.

This place is lousy with stuffed animals.

They're not stuffed animals. They're
friends. Mr Jammers you've met.

- Over here is Freddy Frogbottom.
- You named all these silly things?

Don't call them silly.
Mr Buzzer will sting you.

Mr Buzzer? Let me guess.
That must be the bee, right?

This is definitely weird.

- That is exactly what's wrong with you.
- What's wrong with me?

You don't have any imagination
about this.

No sense of whimsy.
You're so earthbound. So uninspired.

I can't believe
you're making such a big deaI.

Sam Malone, those animals
happen to be a part of me.

Why can't you indulge that...
What are you doing?

- I'm taking my pants off.
- Why?

Well, not to give Mr Buzzer a target.

We're arguing. How could you take
your pants off in a fight?

It won't last all night. I don't want
to be overdressed when it ends.

- Get out of here.
- You want me to leave?

- I demand that you leave.
- Let me tell you a rule I have.

Mr Malone doesn't put his pants
on again untiI he finishes business.

- Bet me.
- Diane, would you please...

Would you give me a break
and let me put my...

You are despicable.

I never want to see
your fat, ugly face again. Get out.

Come on.
I'm losing the mood here, Diane.

- You'II lose a lot more than that.
- Wait. Do you want to know the truth?

It wasn't four women.
It was 400 women, easy.

They'd have to be.

Most of the guys I broke
into the majors with are all gone now.

- You mean gone to the great beyond?
- No, Alan, dead.

I can't understand it. You wonder,
you're born, you grow up, you die.

Is that the end? Is that it?

There's various theories
about an afterlife, Coach.

Millions believe in reincarnation.

You mean
when you come back as a chicken?

Not necessarily as a chicken.

Hindus believe what you come back as
depends on your behaviour.

Lead a good life to come back
in an elevated state.

Like Colorado?

No, Coach. More like a king or a prince.

If you've not led a good life,
you'll come back in a lowly condition.

Last time out, I must have made
a reaI ass out of myself.

I figure if you're dead, you're dead.

This idea of living forever
doesn't appeaI.

I can see why, PauI.

Hey, Sam.

- What do you think about death?
- Too good for her.

I don't want to talk to anyone.
I mean it.

- I knew it.
- We told them so.

- They wouldn't listen.
- Forget it.

Something's wrong
with Sam and Diane.

- We're talking about Sam and Diane.
- You are? That's better.

- It's none of our business.
- We ought to do something about it.

- Everybody deserves a chance.
- I think we owe Sam an apology.

- I'm going to chat to Sammy.
- He doesn't want to be disturbed.

He didn't mean me.
Sammy and I are pals. We're tight.

- Sammy? Norm.
- Get the hell out of here!

- You bet, buddy.
- That was inspiring, Norm.

- I'm sorry.
- We're sorry.

We're sorry about what we said.

You're no worse a match
than anybody else.

- Any two people will be a long shot.
- Right. Long shots come in some time.

No. You guys were right.
I must have lost my mind for a minute.

The old Sam Malone is back, boys.
Ready for action.

I'm going to grab the first woman
that comes by and I'm going to go crazy.

Yeah, Carla, what is it?

Nothing.

It feels good to be finally rid of her.

Let me have a soda. Things are going
to be more the way they used to be.

Glad to hear you say that.
You'll be a better man.

- Coach, are you buying this?
- Buying it? I'm not even following it.

- Carla, I mean it.
- I believe you, Sammy. I do.

I could tell you how to get Diane back.

Tell you what. If you're interested,
I'll be down at the end of the bar.

Well, it's got to be good for a laugh.

How?

Women have always come easy to you.
Now you have got a toughie.

Let me tell you how to handle her.
Now, I don't care what we women say

when we get dressed up
and go on the PhiI Donahue show.

Every woman wants to be controlled.
Even your Miss Egghead there.

Women like power, Sammy.
Raw, naked power.

I stayed with Nick so long
because he had power.

He was a gentleman sometimes.

He would take me out to a romantic
dinner at a fancy restaurant.

They'd call our number and he'd go get it.

But once we got into the bedroom,
he called the shots.

She's right. One time I had to get tough
with Vera. Really lay down the law.

Next night I came home,
she was wearing a saran wrap bikini.

I haven't been able
to look at a sandwich since.

You know, you're right.

I have let her have her way
every step in this relationship.

She's leading me around by the nose.
Not any more.

She has picked the wrong guy
to have a power play with.

I'm going to go over and tell her there's
a time to put up and a time to shut up.

It's time for her to put up and shut up.

- She'll have him for breakfast.
- He's a goner.

Dead in the water.

Where did you get that tan?
Were you in the sun?

What are you talking about?
Look at your tan.

I couldn't live
where there was no sun.

How can prisoners stand it?

- Diane, open up.
- Go away, Sam.

- I'm meditating.
- Open the door, Diane.

I have something I want to say.

Sam, we were not made in heaven.

We turn into idiots
in each other's company.

The difference in your case is barely
perceptible, but it's bothering me.

Open up. It's the last time I'll tell you.

- Who the hell do you think you are?
- That was your last warning.

What are you doing? Sam, stop it.

Now you've done it. You broke my door.
You'll pay for that, ape.

Ape? I like that. Yeah, I like that. Ape.

You are going to pay for a lot of things.

Get in that bedroom, woman.

Okay.

Would you give me a minute
to slip into something flimsy?

Yeah. Sure.

- Are you talking to somebody?
- I'm on the phone. Just a second.

You're making a telephone call?
Who did you call?

The police. Would you like some coffee
while we wait?

You called the police? Why?

Act like a marauding Hun and you'll be
treated like one. You take cream?

Yeah, but, no. Wait.

Wait a minute. Are you serious?
You called the cops on me?

I'm serious.

I've got fresh ground, but it'll take time.
They'll be right over.

Come on. Wait a second.
I'm not doing anything here.

You broke into my apartment.
I have the evidence.

You know, you're a loon.
That's what you are.

- I'm getting the hell out of here.
- You have to run?

I'll call the police
and give them your address.

You make me so mad.
I'd like to take your face and...

Excuse me. Be carefuI what you say.
It could be used against you in court.

What's the finaI verdict on the coffee?

What are you doing to me?
I'm losing my mind here.

I thought you could be the woman
to make me happy for the rest of my life.

Now I'd be happy just to stay out of jaiI.

You make me sorry I was ever born.

Sam, I know how you feeI.

Don't let them take me away.

Sam, the important thing here is that
we've both learned something tonight.

You've learned that violence
has no place in a romantic relationship.

No place at all.

- And I've discovered something, too.
- What?

I like the lift part.

I like it a lot.

You know,
you've made my life a living hell.

I didn't want you to think it was easy.

Let me just kick these things
off the bed here.

Put them in the other room.

I'll be less inhibited
if they're in the other room.

Be very carefuI, because some of them
are old and sensitive.

- Shouldn't you call the cops off?
- Silly Sam. I never called the police.

Sam, keep Gary Gorilla and Mr Jammers
apart. They don't get along.

Not to worry. They're a mile apart.

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