Cheers (1982–1993): Season 11, Episode 8 - Ill-Gotten Gaines - full transcript

Next time on Cheers...

Catherine, Catherine,
we can't go on like this.

Woody's father-in-law gets
caught with his pants down.

Mr. Gates?

Woody.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I-I can see you're busy.

I'll wait outside.

And now it's time
to pay the piper.

I'm very disappointed
in you. Ah.

You should be
ashamed of yourself.



Check out the
punishment... Well, Walter.

On the next Cheers.

Did he know what we were doing?

Not only does he know,
but he's doing it to me.

Got ya.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hey, Cliffy. Oh, hey, Sam.

What are you doing
standing out in the rain?

Uh, it's good for the skin.

You know, negative
ions. Keeps it soft.

What'd you say to Carla, Cliffy.

Called her a dwarf.

Oh.

Could you, uh, untie me, Sam?



Yeah, sure.

Thanks. Oh, whoa, whoa,
wait a second, wait a second.

How much more
time you got out here?

Uh, five minutes.

I'm sorry, buddy, I can't do it.

She'd have me standing
right out here next to you.

I understand, Sam, I understand.

No hard feelings.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Attention, everybody, I have
an announcement to make.

Thanksgiving is in a few days,
and I know that some of you

will not be able to spend
it with your families.

So, anybody who doesn't have
anyplace to go on Thanksgiving

is welcome to come
to my apartment.

I thought that would
be a nice gesture.

How'd you like to see
another nice gesture?

Carla Tortelli
graciously accepts.

How about you, Sam?

Yeah. I think it'd be fun

to go to Thanksgiving
dinner at your place.

Oh, great.

You know, I really think I can

put together a great
Thanksgiving dinner.

This'll be the second
one that I've cooked.

And believe me, the first one

was not the disaster
that my family said it was.

Those kids had a pretty
good time in that ambulance.

It was kind of
exciting for them.

I mean, at least it wasn't
the same old same old.

Oh, wait a second.

Did you say Thanksgiving?

Aw, shoot.

See, I usually
spend Thanksgiving

with my old Army buddies.

Sam, you weren't in the Army.

No, no, but, uh,
my buddies were.

You know, I-I'd invite
you all over to my place,

but Ma's down in Florida
working on her tan.

Yeah, she's got this
standing rule that, uh,

when she's not around,
I'm not allowed to bring

any more than two
friends over at a time.

Please, she's never gonna know.

Yes, she will, Norm.

Tell you what,
why-why don't we have

Thanksgiving dinner
here at Cheers?

Potluck, huh?

Why here? Because you
don't think I can handle

the responsibility of making
a big dinner for everybody?

Well, I was gonna beat
around the bush a little bit,

but, yeah, that's the gist.

Well, if you're gonna have
it, can we have a turkey?

I was just gonna
make grilled cheese.

All right, we'll have a turkey.

Good idea.

Okay, who's in on
the dinner here, huh?

Count me in. All right.

Fras, what about you?

Oh, you probably have
other plans, don't you?

Oh, yes, big plans.

Frederick and I will
be spending the day

with the new friends we've
made since Lilith's departure:

Mrs. Paul, Dinty Moore,

Uncle Ben.

Oh, and maybe the
Stouffers will stop by.

Why don't you join us, huh?

Oh, thanks, Sam.

Oh, Mr. Gaines.

What a nice surprise.

You remember
Mr. Peterson, Mr. Clavin?

Nick. Clyde.

Actually, it's, uh,
it's Norm, Cliff.

You're lucky I got that close.

Now, Woody, the reason
I came by here is that

now that you're my son-in-law,

I need your signature
on some papers here.

So what are they?

Oh, it's, uh, nothing important.

Just, uh, some silly forms
giving me power of attorney

over all of your affairs.

You see, the Gaines estate

is wide and varied.

And now that you're
married to Kelly,

you're part of that estate.

I'm not sure I
understand all this.

Oh, let me put it in
Hanover-ese, Woody.

You know how a turkey,
when, uh, it feeds at the trough,

will eat until it dies?

Well,

these forms give me the right...

Now that you're feeding
at the Gaines trough...

To pull your head away if
I think you're gonna choke.

Well, turkeys don't
choke, Mr. Gaines,

they explode.

Well, the one clue you get

is you-you hear this hissing
sound just before they blow.

Now, you hear a turkey hissing,

head for the hills.

Turkey shrapnel can kill you.

For God's sake, Woody, just sign

or make your mark or
whatever it is you do.

Thank you, Woody.

Oh, wait, uh, Mr. Gaines.

I just got paid today and, uh,

if I'm now part of
the Gaines estate,

I guess I should do my part and
throw my paycheck into the pot.

Good, Woody.

Always leave them laughing.

Why do you let him
talk to you like that, huh?

Yeah,

you got to stand
up to him, Wood.

I'd never let my father-in-law
take advantage of me that way.

I, uh, thought

your father-in-law
was dead, Norm.

You know, he might be.

Haven't seen him in ages.

Come to think of it, I do
remember Vera left a note

on the refrigerator one night.

Something about a funeral.

Ah, shoot, this is
gonna drive me crazy.

You know, Sam, I
always wanted to get along

with Mr. Gaines
like I do with my dad.

You and your daddy
got along well, huh?

Oh, yeah. Oh.

We'd go fish and bowl,

hang around,

pass notes to
each other in class.

Woody, you know, it's
none of my business,

but I think you ought to stand
up to Mr. Gaines right now,

or he's gonna be walking all
over you the rest of your life.

Well, I'd like to
stand up to him, Sam,

but he scares me.

Well, I know.

He's a pretty intimidating guy.

But you know the way
around that is you figure out

what you're gonna say,
get it in your head all straight,

then you go over
there and you tell him.

Well, what would you say, Sam?

Me?

Oh. Well, I don't know.

Something like, uh, you
know, "I'm disappointed in you.

"You should be ashamed
of yourself, you know.

"Things are gonna be
different from now on.

You're gonna give me
the respect that I deserve."

Yeah, I always thought
I did respect you, Sam.

Maybe I was wrong.

Tell you what,
why-why don't we, uh,

why don't we drive over there
and-and you can rehearse

what you're gonna say
on the way, all right?

Well, I suppose if I don't,

I'll have to listen
to another lecture

about how I don't respect you.

Okay, okay, I'm 95% sure

Vera's father is alive.

No, no, dead.

No, make that dead.

He's dead.

Or could he be...

Well...

suppose I'll just call
Vera and ask her, I guess.

I don't know how you ask someone

a question like that.

Although Vera is always saying
we should talk more, you know.

Uh, yes, hi, honey, hi.

Uh, listen, um, do I,
uh, do I have a dark suit?

I do? Um, good.

D-Do you remember,
uh, why I bought it?

A funeral, of course.

Was, uh, was your father there?

Was he wearing
makeup by any chance?

Vera? Vera?

Shoot, this is gonna
bug me all day.

Oh, Walter.

Oh. Oh!

Oh! Oh.

Katherine, Katherine,
we can't go on like this.

Walter...

You're my brother's wife.

I mean, if anyone
ever found out,

it would ruin both our families.

You're right,
Walter, it's wrong.

Terribly wrong.

But I don't care.
That's my girl.

Mr. Gaines is in the
library, right through there.

Aren't you gonna announce us?

Very well, sir.

Mr. Gaines, there are two
gentlemen here to see you.

That make you
feel like a big man?

Ah, don't worry about that.

Okay, just like we rehearsed
it in the car, big fellow.

All right, I'm
disappointed in him,

he should be ashamed of himself,

and he should start
treating me with respect.

Attaboy.

Yeah.

Mr. Gaines?

Oh, God.

Woody!

What are you doing here?

Oh, I-I can see you're busy.

I'll wait outside.

My God, Walter.

Who was that?

That was my idiot son-in-law.

Woody, just a minute!

Well, did he see us?

Of course he saw us.

I knew something like
this was gonna happen.

I've got to catch him before
he blabs it all over the mansion.

What do you mean
he's exercising?

That's what it looked like.

I-I think he was doing push-ups.

Oh, come on.

You're just trying
to back out of this.

No, I'm not, Sam.
I'm gonna tell him.

Well, then... Excuse me.

You're the gentlemen I led
from the foyer to the library,

am I correct?

Yeah, right.

Would you be a dear and
help me find my way back?

Uh, sure.

Well, actually, you
know, it's not that hard.

All you got to do is go
down the, uh, that staircase

with those naked angels
that are carved in the banister.

Then-then you, uh, go
through that long hallway

with the three naked ladies

kind of frolicking
in the field there.

And then you go take a left,
and you get in that big room

that has that, uh,
bronze statue of the b...

I'll tell you what, why don't
I take you there myself?

I'll be right back.

Now, Woody, I know you
must be terribly confused,

but there's a
simple explanation.

No, no, no, Mr. Gaines.

You're gonna sit down,
and I'm gonna talk,

and you're gonna
listen. All right.

Now... I'm very
disappointed in you.

Ah. You should be
ashamed of yourself.

From now on, things
are gonna be different.

You're gonna start
treating me with respect.

Whatever you want, Woody.

What will it take for you

to forget everything
that's happened?

You name it.

Seriously? Oh, yes.

Whatever you want.

Wow, that speech really took.

Well, uh, for starters,

this, uh, power of attorney
thing you made me sign.

It's gone, ripped up,

never existed.

All right, and I don't want
you to make fun of me

in front of my friends anymore.

You've got it.

Well, what I really
want, Mr. Gaines,

is just for us to get to
know each other better.

Oh, for God sakes, Woody,
I didn't commit murder.

All right, just forget
the whole thing.

Well, no, Woody, if
you want to be friends,

that's-that's fine, that's fine.

In fact, uh, we could, uh, oh...

Go fishing?

Yeah, uh, fishing.
Of course, fine.

In fact, why don't we go
fishing in your new boat?

My new boat?!

Yes.

Really? In-in fact, uh,

why don't we call
it the S.S. Silence?

Well, I'm sure we
can come up with

a better name than
that, but thanks.

Hooray.

You know, I get a
feeling we're gonna be

pretty close from
now on, Mr. Gaines.

Well, Walter...

did he know what we were doing?

Not only does he know,
but he's doing it to me.

Okay, you guys, I'm trying
to get a head count here

so I know how many people
are here for Thanksgiving

so I can have enough turkey.

Oh, easy on the turkey
for me, though, Rebecca,

'cause, uh, those tryptophanes
just put me to sleep.

Get two turkeys.

Norm, are you gonna be here?

Yeah, I might as well.

Vera's spending
Thanksgiving at her mother's.

How come?

Oh, she's still angry
about me asking

whether her
father's dead or alive.

You never know what's
going to tick some people off.

Hey, Normie, I've got
an easy way to find out

whether or not
your father-in-law's,

uh, still alive or not. Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, you give, uh,
Vera's parents' house a call.

If a guy answers, bingo,
there's your answer.

Huh? I'll tell you what.

I'll look up the number for
you in the directory here.

So what's, uh, what's
Vera's maiden name?

It's, uh...

Damn, this is gonna
get embarrassing.

Could I be having some
severe memory lapse here?

Oh, Norm, quick.

In Herbie The Love Bug, Yeah?

Who played the bad guy?

Keenan Wynn.

Your memory's sound, my friend.

Hey, Sam.

Me and Mr. Gaines
just went fishing

on my new boat.

And guess what
we're doing tomorrow?

Flying to Vermont.

Vermont? Yeah.

Well, all I did was
ask Mr. Gaines

how maple syrup was made.

And the next thing
you know, boom,

he's firing up the
jet. That's right.

Well, in spite of all the
fun we've been having,

I, I really must run along.

Oh, hey, Mr. Gaines.

What about my hug?

Oh, gee, Woody, I don't know.

Oh, yeah, I guess you're right.

I don't want to catch one of
those fishhooks in my eye.

On second thought,
come here, son!

Wow. How 'bout that?

You guys are getting
along great, aren't you?

Yep, Sam.

You know, I owe it
all to my little speech.

As soon as I delivered it,
he was putty in my hands.

Well, that's great,
man, that's great.

Yeah. I noticed,
though, you said, uh,

your speech, when, you know,
technically it was my speech.

Remember? Right over
there, I, uh, thought it up.

You may have thought it up, Sam,

but I'm the one
who made it sing.

Well, whatever. Congratulations.

Yeah, you know, when,
uh, Woody Boyd talks,

people listen.

Matter of fact, Sam,

I'm gonna do you
a great, big favor.

Mr. Peterson, I'm gonna
talk and you're gonna listen.

It's about your beer tab.

Wood, stay in the shallow end.

Yeah, maybe you're right, sorry.

Get it, get it, get it,
get it, get it, get it! Oh!

Oh, man, this is great.

Norm? Yeah?

Th-The Barcalounger

is only here for the day, right?

Thanksgiving just wouldn't
be the same without it, Sam.

Tomorrow it goes back, right?

I mean, you, you signed
this agreement remember?

Sam, what do you think
of all the decorations?

I bought everything
with my own money.

Yeah, you know, I've
been meaning to ask you.

What do skeletons and witches
have to do with Thanksgiving?

Well, uh...

the witches came
over with the Pilgrims.

And then the Pilgrims
burned them all at the stake.

And then, when they
were all burned up,

there was nothing left
of them but skeletons.

And that left the Pilgrims
free to make a big dinner.

They were cheap, huh?

Actually, they were
throwing them out.

Well, it looks, it looks
really nice, Rebecca.

It looks really nice.

Wh-What about
the, uh, the plates?

Oh, I'm going to borrow
those from Melville's.

No, no! Oh, don't
do that. Don't do that.

If-if John Hill finds out,
he'll blow his bald stack.

Oh, don't be silly.

Melville's is closed and
John Hill's at the Cape.

Besides, I'm already using
his oven to cook the turkey.

Well, in that case, uh, why
don't you get some silverware.

I think we've gonna
run out of these sporks.

Well, here we are, Frederick.

♪ Over the river and
through the woods ♪

♪ To the bar
stool on the right. ♪

Ah, the beginnings of a
marvelous Thanksgiving memory.

Say, Norm, uh, the last
time I was at your house,

wasn't this chair red?

Yeah, yeah, I go through
them pretty quickly.

Hi, Frasier. Hi,
Frederick. Hello.

Hey, how do you like the
way I decked the place out?

Well, uh, I must say it
looks rather... festive.

Thank you. Oh, you're
getting plates from Melville's.

You know what would
look beautiful is those, uh,

those gorgeous
candlesticks they have.

Ooh, good idea.

Why don't you go up
there and grab those?

Come here, Frederick.

Well, you guys lucked out.

You get to spend you
Thanksgiving with the Tortellis.

Hide your valuables.

Hey kids, park it over there.

Carla, why'd you only
bring three of your kids?

Well, we have this kind

of Thanksgiving
tradition at our home.

You see, at noon I set
them out on the curb.

Then the various men

they've come to know
as "Dad" drive by,

and who's ever
left comes with me.

Uh... there must be
some mistake here.

Uh... you've got me
sitting at the kiddie table.

Um, no, no, uh,
no mistake Cliff.

Uh, we all decided
that you're the only one

that we trust being
an adult supervisor.

Ah, well, that's another
bowl of stuffing, then, Sammy.

I'll be proud to
watch the little tykes.

So, kiddies...

I ever tell you about
the first Thanksgiving?

Yeah, it took place, uh,
between the ancient Egyptians

and astronauts
from a distant galaxy.

Oh, thank you, Frederick.

God, I wish I'd had kids.

Food's on! Come on, everybody.

Hey. Sit down
around the table here.

Listen, here's the good news.

You can make a mess,
and don't worry about

breaking anything, 'cause
none of this stuff belongs to us.

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Sam why don't you,
uh, make a little toast?

Oh... yeah.

All right, that's a good idea.

Uh, all right, uh...

welcome to, uh,
Thanksgiving at Cheers.

I hope everybody
enjoys the food,

and I'd like to make
a toast right now

to the man who made this
all possible: John Allen Hill.

Oh, now, now, come on.

I-I know what you're thinking.

But you know, I
tell you the truth

uh, if John and I hadn't
gotten off on the wrong foot

I think we would have
been best of friends.

If he were here right
now, I would, uh,

I'd ask him to sit down
and break bread with us.

But because he isn't, then
I say let's raise our glasses

to that grand old
gentleman, John Allen Hill.

Cheers. JOHN: Well,
isn't this touching?

All the Whos down in Whoville

gathered 'round
their roast beast.

Good heavens, man, I
thought you were at the Cape.

I was until the police
called to tell me

the silent alarm had
gone off upstairs.

Ah, uh, yeah... that
was, that was us, John.

I-I'm sorry, we, uh,

borrowed a few things
for our simple dinner here.

John, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you join us, please?

Please come sit
at my right hand.

No, no, no, thank
you. Please, I couldn't.

But since no harm was
done, I'll be on my way.

Happy Thanksgiving.

And do sterilize everything.

Thank you, John, and
happy Thanksgiving.

So how'd you spot him?

I saw the reflection of his
head in the dessert tray.

Can I have one?

Mr. and Mrs. Woody Boyd.

How was that, sport?

Hi, Daddy.

Hello, pumpkin.

It's good to see you.

Hi, Dad.

Hello, son.

Happy Thanksgiving!
Happy Thanksgiving!

Hi, Uncle Richard,
Aunt Katherine.

Hello, darling. GAINES: Richard.

Walter.

Woody.

Certain parties are
here this evening,

and things may
get very delicate.

Oh, don't worry about
a thing, Mr. Gaines.

Boy, she looks familiar.

Now, Woody...

Where have I seen her before?

Help me out here, Mr. Gaines.

I got it!

Uh, everyone into
the dining room.

I can smell that
turkey, it's all ready.

Let's just move along now.

The cranberry
sauce and stuffing,

all the trimmings.

Let's just move right along.

Come on, move, move, move, move.

Save me a drumstick.

Woody, I thought we
had an understanding.

Now, we went fishing,
took you bowling,

we went to the arcade... If
there's a lower middle class

activity in Boston,
we've done it.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Gaines.

I was just trying to
figure out where I knew

Kelly's aunt from, and
it finally came to me.

Of course it came to
you. You caught me

making love to her on
the floor of my office.

I met her at the wedding.

Caught you what? Nothing.

Let's eat.

Holy cow, that's
your brother's wife,

and you're having
an affair with her?

Yes.

You really didn't know? No.

Then you're not blackmailing me?

I didn't have to
buy your silence?

Well, no, I-I would never
blackmail you, Mr. Gaines.

I mean, I think what you're
doing is disgusting and wrong,

but that's between
you and Satan.

I've got something to tell you.

I think that we can't
be friends anymore.

I don't respect you.

Well, I'll just have to live

with your scorn and
contempt, Woody.

Okay, Mr. Gaines.

I just want you to know,

I'd never blackmail you.

I'd much rather do this.

Hey, everybody, I've got
something to tell you! Uh...

I want the wishbone!

Gotcha.

This is gonna be a fun night.

Dear God...

It's over.

I'm free, finally free.

Your brother's wife, eh, Wally?

Get me a drink.

We have to talk.