Cheers (1982–1993): Season 11, Episode 5 - Do Not Forsake Me, O' My Postman - full transcript

That was Ma.
Maggie's back in town.

ANNOUNCER: Next
time on Cheers...

I guess she's just looking

for a booster shot
of old vitamin CC.

That Clifford
Clavin... What a stud.

Yeah, I got the hormones,
the drive, the needs.

Yes, sirree, yeah, my body's
like one big erogenous zone.

And he's in for
one big surprise.

CLIFF: Hey, there, baby.

Remember me?

I sure do, Cliff.



Or should I say Daddy?

Next time on Cheers.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

What do you want
to do tonight, Cliff?

Eh, I don't know.

What do you want to do?

I don't know.

You guys!

You do this all
day long for hours.

Face it, Rebecca, we're bored.

Nothing ever
happens around here.

(steady beeping, Rebecca gasps)

Oh, my God!

Hey, it's Andy Andy.



What, you know this person?

Yeah. Former major felon.

Once killed a waitress.

(beeping continues)
Where's Diane?

I demand to see Diane!

Well, Miss Chambers
hasn't worked here

in five or six years.

Oh, really?

Well...

okay.

So, what do you want to do?

(theme song begins)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Well, well, well, so Maggie
O'Keefe is back in town, huh?

Couldn't get enough of the
Old Clavin monster, I guess.

Who's-who's Maggie O'Keefe?

That's Cliff's old girlfriend.

I'm sorry, Cliff's what?

Oh, no, no, no, I've been
thinking about you, too.

What?

Aw, come on, I can't say
that in front of the guys.

All right.

I love you, too.

That was Ma!
Maggie's back in town!

So, how long has it been
since you've seen Maggie?

Oh, about six months.

She, uh, skipped off to Canada
for a while, you know, and...

according to Ma, she's back
in town, wants to see me.

I guess she's just looking for
a booster shot of "vitamin CC."

Yeah, maybe things just
didn't work out in Canada.

Yeah, I'll never forget when

my Uncle Orlo left Hanover to
seek his fortune in the big city.

You know what happened?

Terre Haute just chewed
him up and spit him out.

Yep, he came back with
his head between his legs.

Actually, I think the expression
is "tail between his legs."

Oh, no, there was a train
accident on the way back.

Yep.

It's a real tragedy.

Yeah, a year later, he
drowned in a sitz bath.

Guess what I kept seeing

as I was driving
into work just now.

The middle finger of
every driver in Boston?

No. The new ad campaign
for Gary's Old Towne Tavern.

He's got billboards, busses,
tops of taxis, he's got everything.

I'm telling you that guy's
business is gonna double.

Yeah? Well, what
am I supposed to do?

Well, I think that we
should do some advertising.

Maybe we should do a
commercial on the radio,

you know, a jingle,
something real catchy.

No, I don't want to do
a jingle... that's stupid.

You know, Sammy's
right there, Becs.

What you want is a
word-of-mouth campaign.

I'd be happy to help, you know.

I'll talk it up down
at the old post office.

Before you know it,

this place will be
wall-to-wall with letter carriers.

Now, you think I'm entertaining?

Multiply me by a hundred.

Jingle! Jingle! Jingle!

♪ ♪

Well, Miss Howe, you
have certainly come

to the right place...
I'm gonna hook you up

with our very best composer.

Send in Jason.

We should probably
talk about budget now.

Yes.

I am prepared to
spend as much as $200.

Keep Jason.

Somebody wake up Sy Flembeck.

Oh, advertising.

You know, I almost
went into advertising.

I bet that I would've
been real good at it,

because I am really
good with, um...

Oh, God, what is that when
you call and people are...

you get two people and
they're talking to each other?

You mean communication? Yes!

I have a real
knack for that. Oh.

So, it's curtains for me, huh?

The old "Adios, Flembeck."

I knew this day'd come.

I gave this firm the
best years of my life.

It turns around and kicks me
right in the old hemorrhoid hotel.

Pardon my French, babe.

Well, before I go,

let me tell you something,
Mr. Pimply-Faced Teenager

Who's Running the
Shop This Week.

I wrote "Chocolate,
chocolate, who ate my bar?"

when you were still dangling
from your mother's breast,

you cheap S.O.B.!

Sy, we've got a job for you.

You didn't let me finish!

You have to be that way,
'cause you're a leader!

Leadership has its price,

and I respect that,
and I respect you!

Does it show?

The love, I mean?

Well, here you go, Miss Howe.

$200 worth of perfection.

Yeah, well, let's go
to my cubicle, babe.

We'll throw some ideas at
the wall and see if they stick.

(whispers): This is so exciting!

This...

is Cheers. Great.

Where's the old 88's?
Oh, right over here.

Listen, do you think you can
write something for this place

that's really gonna
capture the spirit of Cheers?

But you have to
do it right away,

because, you know, there's
a lot of competition out there.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Why don't you put a
little more pressure on me,

'cause I haven't had a stroke
in about two months. Thank you.

Sorry.

I'm sure you'll do a great job.

Of course I will.

Perhaps you heard
my humble efforts

for Fred's Tune-ups.

(plays arpeggio flourish)

(to "Old MacDonald Had a Farm"): ♪
Tune-ups, tune-ups, that's our game ♪

♪ F-R-E-D-S ♪

♪ If you don't come
here, that's a shame ♪

♪ F-R-E-D-S ♪

♪ With an F-F here... ♪
Everybody!

♪ F-F there... ♪
FRASIER: Excuse me!

Isn't that just "Old
MacDonald's Farm"?

When Old MacDonald
pays me 200 bucks,

it'll be "Old MacDonald's Farm."

Look, Cliffie, when is, uh,

when is Maggie actually
gonna show up here?

Yeah, where is this
alleged girlfriend of yours?

Well, uh, Paul, I'm sure there's

a very good reason
why she isn't here.

Well, thank you, Carla.

Namely that Clavin
dismembered her

and stacked her in his freezer.

Yeah, you know, the police

took that call of
yours very seriously.

(laughing)

Missed a half a day's
work, thank you very much.

Poor Ma didn't
know what to think.

She tossed out

a whole year's worth

of Omaha steaks
trying to protect me.

You must be pretty
excited to see Maggie, huh?

Oh, yeah. Darned excited, Sammy.

Yeah, boy, when we're together,

we're the hottest
couple imaginable.

Yeah, I got the hormones,
the drive, the needs.

Yes siree, yeah, my body's
like one big erogenous zone.

Five, four, three...

What are you doing,
Carla? Counting down.

I'm about to launch my lunch.

Oh! Oh, look at that!

Here comes Maggie now.

Yeah, well, I'd just
better stand firm.

I mean, nobody ties Cliff
Clavin down, that's for sure.

She can have me back,
but, uh, no commitments.

Mark my words.

Hey there, baby.

Remember me?

I sure do, Cliff.

Or should I say "Daddy"?

How is he? Oh,
I'm sure he's fine.

Hey, how's he doing there, Fras?

Oh, better, I think.

Carla volunteered to bathe
his face with cold water

and was doing fine until the
seat came down on his head.

I should go to him.

No. Trust me, I'm a doctor.

I've seen many cases of shock.

What I suggest that you
do is go out for a while,

give Cliff time to
regain his composure,

and then you can
come on back, sit down

and have a nice little
chat with him about, uh...

Well, whatever it is you
wish to discuss with him.

Thank you, Doctor.

Perhaps it was a bit
much to spring on him. Yes.

Tell him I'll be back in
a little while. All right.

Well, from our "things you never
thought you'd hear" category,

that woman is
carrying Cliff's child.

Come on, buddy.

Where is she?

She had to step
out for a little while.

Hey! Ha! I'll be damned!

Let me be the first to
congratulate you, Cliffie!

Uh, thanks, Sam.

You dog, Cliffie!

Yeah. I got to say,
man, I'm shocked.

How come? Well,
you know, I mean,

you always claimed that
you and Margaret were,

you know, doing it, but,
you know, I never really,

you know...

I'm just surprised,
is all, Cliff.

So, she's pregnant
with your child.

You gonna go
through Lamaze, or, uh,

do you figure it'll just
burst out through her chest?

Why'd you do it, Cliff?

I begged you to
get yourself fixed.

I even offered to pay for it.

Hell, I offered
to do it for you!

SAM: Come on, come on, you guys.

It's celebration time here!

Hey, drinks on the house...
My friend's gonna be a daddy!

OTHERS: Yeah! Yeah!

You are gonna marry
her, aren't you, Mr. Clavin?

It'd be a shame to
have to stone her.

Well, uh...

I-I guess you do,
uh, things differently

back there in Hanover,
don't you, Wood?

America's Heartland.

Well, I don't know, I
should have expected it.

I mean, the, uh,
Clavins never fire blanks.

We're breeders, spawners.

My loins are
brimming with vitality.

Well, I'll never eat again.

Anybody else?

Let's get your
mother on the phone

and tell her about it, huh?

Get her down here, we'll
have a little celebration.

There you go.

Good idea, Sammy.

But, uh...

What?

Could I, could I see you?

Well, uh, what do you think
Cliffie will have... a boy, a girl?

Is there a third choice?

Sammy, you know,

I-I-I don't, uh, I don't
think that's my baby.

Why not?

Oh, well, let's just
say that, uh, you know,

sometimes studs know.

Remind me again how studs know.

Well, you know, sometimes
studs just choose to...

well, you know, wait it out.

Cliff, you-you never actually
had sex with Maggie, did you?

W-Well, that depends there, Sam.

Define sex.

Oh...

Now, you know,
we, uh, we meant to,

but we just never really
got around to it, there, Sam.

You, uh, still think I'm a
stud though, don't you?

Oh, yes, of course I do.

More than ever,
man, more than ever.

Yeah. You know,
sometimes it takes, uh,

it takes a bigger
stud, not to have sex.

What the hell does that mean?

I don't know, man. I'm
just trying to help you.

Work with me here, will you?

Aw, Sammy, I'm such a failure.

I feel so ashamed of myself.

No, no, don't do that, Cliff.

You know, uh, lots of people
don't have sex on dates.

Hell, I've dated lots of women,
never had sex with them.

That's kind of hard to
believe there, Sammy.

You're not working
with me here, Cliff.

Let's, uh... Wait a second.

I don't get something here.

Now, if it's not your kid,

how come Maggie's coming in
here and calling you "Daddy"?

Uh, that's easy.

She's setting up a trap for me.

All right, put yourself
in the frame of mind

of the female psyche.

Now, she goes off,
gets herself pregnant,

looking for a husband,
provider, best friend, lover.

Okay? First name
on top of her wish list.

Cliff Clavin?

Bingo.

So, what do you think, Sam?

I mean, I-I don't know if I'm
ready to get married or not.

Well, you don't have
to. It's not your kid.

It's not your responsibility.

Yeah, but, you
know, I was out there

in front of the guys braggin'
about my sexual prowess.

Well, hell, they don't
have to find out about this.

You know it's none
of their business.

Well, yeah, but
what do I tell them?

Tell them, uh, that you
weighed the pros and cons,

and at this point in your life,

you don't feel like marriage
is the right thing for you.

Hey, that's great,
Sammy, great. Thank you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, stud handshake.

Uh, oh, well.. Oh! All right.

There you go.

Hey, uh, listen, Sam,

just to, uh, you know,
set the record straight,

just 'cause I didn't
have sex with Margaret,

uh, doesn't mean I haven't
bagged my share of chicks.

No, I know that.

I know you do.

I'm a pretty sexy guy.

You know, women
sort of pick up on that.

Yeah.

Want to know my secret?

Don't wear any underwear.

It's too restraining.

That's, that's super,
man. Thank you.

Thank you for sharing that.

I've got a little
announcement to make.

Margaret and I will
not be getting married.

See, I've weighed
the pros and the cons...

That's not your kid, is it?

Uh, no.

See I've weighed...

You and Maggie
didn't do it, did you?

Well, no.

(laughs)

Look, I didn't tell you guys
'cause I didn't want you to,

you know, think any less of me.

Oh, I don't think that's
actually possible, Cliff.

Thank you, big guy.

Hey, babe!

Your ship just came in!

The muse has
visited Sy Flembeck.

Want to hear what
she had to say?

Oh, boy, do I.

You know, I just love the
whole creative process.

And I can be pretty
creative myself.

Oh, yeah? Well, then why
don't you be Sy Flembeck

and I'll be the annoying
broad? How's that?

Go ahead.

All right.

"The Cheers Theme"
by Sy Flembeck.

(plays flourish)

(to the tune of "Old
MacDonald Had a Farm")

♪ Beer and pretzels,
that's our game ♪

♪ C-H-E-R-S ♪

♪ If you don't come
here, that's a shame ♪

♪ C-H-E-R-S ♪

♪ With a C-C
here, C-C there... ♪

No, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!

What are you doing?
That's all wrong!

First of all, "Cheers"
is spelled with two E's.

Second, I paid
you a lot of money

to come up with
an original tune.

You don't need an original tune!

You want something
that'll bore a hole

through the public's
little pea brains.

But you are all hype
and no substance!

I was mesmerized by
your show business savvy.

You couldn't write a
jingle to save your life.

Uh, hey, babe!

Come on! Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

What is it, huh?!

What? What? The "Old
MacDonald" melody?

Hey, I could change that.

Yeah, Sy Flembeck is
nothing if he's not versatile.

All right, just a minute.
Okay, okay, okay, I got it.

(to the tune of "Mary
Had a Little Lamb")

♪ Beer and pretzels, that's
our game, that's our game ♪

♪ That's our game ♪

♪ Beer and pretzels,
That's our game ♪

♪ C-H-E-R-S. ♪

E! E! E-E!

Out.

What's the matter, babe?

You can't work with a
man you're attracted to?

Oh, God! Out!

I'll be home all night.

The pay phone's just
down the hall from my room.

God. Oh, what a hack.

You know, I, I
should have known it

the first time I heard that
stupid Fred's Tuneup song.

Thanks a lot, lady,
now I'm gonna have

that stupid jingle
in my head all night.

What stupid jingle?

You know the one.

♪ Tune-ups, tune-ups,
that's our game ♪

♪ F-R-E-D-S. ♪

You know, I could use a tune-up.

Are they any good?

You heard the song.
Tune-ups are their game.

Well, where are they located?

♪ 1413 Burlingame ♪

♪ F-R-E-D-S ♪

Sy!

Sy, wait a minute!!

Oh, Cliff, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm
fine, Maggie. Thanks.

I'm sorry I was
gone for so long.

I went out and had
some pizza and ribs

and ice cream and
pickles and chocolate.

Maybe it's Norm's kid.

Maggie, uh, I'd like
to talk to you in private

for a few minutes.

Do you mind, uh,
stepping, uh, this way, here?

Uh, Sammy, okay if we, uh,

use your office there, buddy?

Promise me you won't
go through my drawers?

Yeah, okay, I won't.

That's what you said last time.

How many times
can I say "I'm sorry"?

Here, have a seat there, Maggie.

Maggie,

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie
Maggie there's, uh, so much

I want to say to you and...
so much you want to say

to me, and...

so...

Holy cow!

For a guy who's
always crying poverty,

Sam Malone's doing
pretty well for himself.

Cliff?

Oh, yeah.

You know, Maggie,
I've been thinking.

And you and I both know that

that baby couldn't
possibly be mine.

(sobbing)

Aw, Maggie.

Cliff, I am so ashamed.

You're right. The
baby isn't yours.

I just didn't know
where else to turn.

Well, what happened, Maggie?

Well, um, up in Canada,

I met a man and fell in love.

And everything was perfect,

and we were gonna get married.

And then he got scared
and called everything off.

And I didn't have
anyone to turn to,

so of course, I thought
of the most decent,

honorable man I know.

I'm sorry, Cliff.

You know, you...

you just run out on me,
and you meet this guy,

get pregnant, and he dumps you,

and you come back

so old Cliff Clavin can
take care of you, huh?

That's right, Cliff.

Can do.

What?!

I will marry you, Margaret!

Oh, thank you, Cliff!

(both chuckle)

Hey, here's a little-known fact:

I'm gonna be your daddy!

You know, this isn't exactly the
way I, you know, dreamed about

starting a family
there, Maggie, but, uh...

you know, I've always
thought the world of you.

And I know that you'd
do the same for me

if the situations were reversed.

But, Cliff, how could the...

Never mind.

All right. So, hey,
look, here's what we do.

We, uh, skeddadle
down to the City Hall,

make this thing legal, and
we go over to my place,

sedate Ma and give
her the good news.

Huh? Huh?!

Okay!

Oh, let me just call Jerry
and tell him he's off the hook

so he won't worry
about me anymore.

Uh, is it okay to use this
phone to call long distance?

Oh, yeah, sure. I
do it all the time.

Well, Sammy,
champagne all around.

ALL: Hey!

Yeah, I decided to
marry Margaret, you know,

make an honest woman of her

and, uh, raise her
child as my own.

SAM: Oh, that's great.

Congratulations, Cliff.

I know you'll enjoy reaping
the rewards of fatherhood.

Yeah, it's not like
I'm not prepared.

I mean, I do own a copy
of The Little Mermaid.

Well, let me be the
first to propose a toast.

CLIFF: All right.

To the new father, Cliff Clavin.

ALL: To the new father!

Thank you, gentlemen.

Cliff.

Ha! Excuse me.

(quietly): The
old ball and chain.

Cliff, I just talked to Jerry.

I hope you told
him that a real man

is going to, uh, take
care of you and the baby?

He wants me back.

Beg your pardon?

He said he loves me.

He can't stand the thought of
another man raising his child.

So, you're off the hook.

Aren't you happy?

Well, if you're happy.

I'm happy.

Well, then I'm happy. Yeah...

Uh, ladies and gentlemen.

Please, don't just sit there.

Raise your glasses
in a toast to, uh,

Mother Margaret here and,
uh, the new father, Jerry.

Jerry?

ALL (lackluster): To Jerry.

Thanks, everyone.

Oh, uh-uh, Cliff, would you mind

giving me a ride
to the bus station?

If I leave now, I can
be there in 72 hours.

Yeah, sure.

I'm a little confused, Sam.

Well, Maggie's
going back to Canada

to marry the, the
father of her baby.

And Cliff was
going to marry her,

but now he doesn't have to.

No, I mean about it taking
72 hours to get to Canada.

I thought it was
much further than that.

You know, Cliff, in a way,

I'm a little disappointed
that we're not getting married.

We'll never make love again.

Again?

Maggie, I think your
memory is as, uh, faulty

as your birth control, uh...

We, we never
actually did make love.

Sure we did. The
night before I left.

Remember? You had
those two wine coolers?

No kiddin'?

I-I thought I fell asleep.

You, you mean, you
and I actually, uh...?

I don't remember.

Boy, that's something.

So, uh, how was I?

The truth, Cliff?

Naw.

You were great. Yeah!

(laughing)

Both times. Both times! Wow!

Wow! Whoo-hoo!