Cheers (1982–1993): Season 11, Episode 19 - Bar Wars VII: The Naked Prey - full transcript

It's the annual St. Patrick's Day battle of sales between Cheers and Gary's Olde Towne Tavern. Not only does Cheers lose the battle of the hi-jinx with an unsuspecting Woody taking the ...

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Oh, Sammy, look who's here.

Harry the Hat.

Aw, man, how many times

am I gonna have to
chase that guy out of here?

Grab your wallets, everybody.

Hello, Harry. Hey, Sam.

What you doing, trying to
sell some bogus watches,

some knockoffs to my
customers and try to cheat 'em?

Sam, that hurts.

This is no knockoff.
That's a $5,000 Rolex.



But it's on sale for $2,500.

Is this a real
Rolex, Harry? Yeah.

Whoa.

Hey. Sounds like
a Rolex, doesn't it?

Oh, look at that...
Still ticking, too.

Uh, Sam...

Hey, do me a favor.

Just, just take your bogus goods

and peddle them
someplace else, will ya?

So Harry, are you interested
in buying the watch?

No, but I think my
friend Sam might be.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪



♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

All right. All right.

But now, the band I'm looking
for is gonna have to be able

to do all the old
Irish standards.

Yeah. "Danny Boy," "Galway Bay,"

"When Irish Eyes Are
Smiling," that kind of thing.

You think you can handle that?

All right then.

Okay, I'll get back to you.

Yeah, adios to you too, Manuel.

Oh, well, I see you're
getting an early jump

on Saint Patrick's Day.

Yeah. That's right.

You know, this time tomorrow

when Gary's still decorating
Olde Towne Tavern,

this place's gonna be open,
people are gonna be flooding in.

That's a good idea,
Sam. You're damned right.

Hey, finally, for the first
time, St. Patrick's Day,

Cheers is gonna do more business

than Gary's Olde Towne Tavern.

Yes! Yes!

I wouldn't be too
sure about that.

He's beaten you
ten years running.

I know but I've got a feeling.

You know, lucky 11?

We can't lose this
time, Dr. Crane.

We're pulling out all the stops.

We've got, a two
for one special,

we've got balloons,
we've got a live Irish band,

we've got Mr. Peterson
mixing up some green beer.

Oh, hey, how's that
beer coming, Norm?

You want it fast or
you want it good?

Come on, you've been
working on it for three hours.

And I'm prepared to work
on it all night long, Sam,

because damn it, I care.

Normie, watch this.

Hey, Carla. You-you
through in there?

Hold your horses. I'm coming.

Shut up, everybody.

Hey, look, everybody.

It's our little
leprechaun, Brill O'Head.

Keep talking, Clavin, you'll
lose your left Blarney Stone.

This outfit is ridiculous.

I mean, I want to beat Gary

as much as the next guy,
but I'm not wearing this, okay?

I think it kind of looks nice.

Yeah, I think it looks
kind of sexy. That's it.

Please, please.

Hey, everybody,
I've got great news.

I applied to the Boston
League of Businesswomen,

and they might let me join.

Oh, who are they?

Oh, it's this very
prestigious organization

that helps raise the stature
of women in society...

and that kind of crap.

Sam, I need a couple hours

off tomorrow because
they want to interview me.

Honey, it's the
busiest day of my year.

What difference does it make?

She doesn't do anything anyway.

You know what?

Why don't you take
the whole day off?

You're a peach.

Hi, everybody.

What the hell do
you want here, Gary?

Well, you know, in the
spirit of Saint Patrick's Day,

I thought I'd come over here
and give you guys a chance

to call off our little bet

and, uh, save yourselves
the supreme humiliation.

I'll tell you what, Gary,

we're gonna win this
lousy bet this year.

Not only that, we're gonna make
ten times more money than you.

And you know why?
Because we've got a strategy.

Well, you know, if you're
so sure of yourself, Malone,

maybe you'd like to
raise the stakes a little bit

and make it more interesting
than the usual 100 bucks?

What you got in mind?

Oh, just a little something
that the loser has to do.

What are you doing?

Oh, I don't know, Gary, uh...

Well, okay well, if you're
going to be chicken about it.

Oh, I'm not being chicken,
because we're gonna win anyway.

So, we've got a deal?

Uh, all right. All
right. Yeah, yeah.

But wait a minute, what is the,
uh, what are the ground rules?

Malone, there's only
one rule, no rules.

Just the way I like it. Great.

May the best man win.

Sam, may I have a
word with you? Yeah.

I strongly urge
you to reconsider.

Listen, why do you think
Gary's so willing to up the stakes?

I mean, it stands to reason
that he thinks he's going to win.

No, no, he's bluffing.

What makes you think that?

Well he-he's beaten
us ten times in a row.

And not one of those times
has he raised the stakes.

He's running scared.

Well, don't I feel stupid.

All those degrees really don't
do much, do they, Doctor?

Sammy, what's up?

I thought you wanted to
get an early jump on Gary.

Yeah, I did. That's
why I'm here at 9:00.

9:01, Sam.

Some of us were here at 9:00.

Hey, relax, will
you. It's in the bag.

I fixed it so Gary
can't ever win.

Yeah? Yeah? What'd you do?

Yeah, you're gonna love
this. You know that-that sign

he's got outside
his window there,

"50 cent beer, Saint
Patrick's Day Special?"

Yeah. Yeah, well I added a zero.

I mean who's going to
pay $5 for a beer, huh?

Good one, Sam. Yeah.

Sometimes I scare myself.

It's 9:02, Sam. Let's go.

All right. Sorry.

$5 beer.

Yeah, let's see him top that.

See now, that, that's not right.

Gary did it to us again.

Walled off from the keg.

I want him dead, Sam.

His family, dead.

His friends, dead!

Oh, now see, this, this is,

this is the lowest
thing a person can do.

This is pure evil.

Yeah.

Why can't we think like that?

Tell me about it.

I thought you left Woody here
to guard against things like this.

Sorry, Sam. I fell asleep.

They walled Woody in the bar.

Woody, you all right in there?

Well, I'm feeling
light-headed and woozy, Sam.

That's the way I want to feel.

Somebody tear this thing down!

New Armani, new hair.

Am I ready for the Boston
League of Businesswomen or what?

I just have to get my resume
and then I'm on my way.

Is this in any way my fault?

No, sweetheart.

Okay then wish me luck. Bye-bye.

Yep. Crisis solved.

Where'd you get the beer?

I've got a few squirreled away
around the bar for emergencies.

I always kind of figured it
would be a nuclear thing,

but I think this qualifies.

Where would you like
us to set up, Mr. Malone?

Oh, hi. fellows.

Uh... uh, yeah, why not?

I'll tell you what,
right over there.

Thank you very much...

Hey, come on, Norm, Carla,

listen we can still
win this thing, right?

We, we've got the green
beer, we've got the band.

All we've got to do is get
rid of this wall somehow

and hustle like
there's no tomorrow.

All we need is, uh, well, a little
winning attitude, right? There you go.

A little positivity.
Hey, fellas,

do me a favor, play
us a little something

to get us in the mood. Yeah.

♪ They broke into
our Dublin home ♪

♪ The dirty English dogs ♪

♪ They took away my sister ♪

♪ And they beat
my da with logs ♪

♪ Limey scum, limey scum ♪

♪ I toss a bomb and
still they come... ♪

Everybody.

♪ Limey scum, limey scum... ♪

♪ And everywhere I looked ♪

♪ Was death, death, death ♪

♪ Everywhere I looked ♪

♪ Was death, death, death. ♪

And now, for a sad song.

♪ 'Twas a baby's
crib that floated... ♪

No! No! No! No! No baby's crib!

Stop it.

Here, get the hell
out of here, will you?

Take your money. Go on, get out.

Go to hell.

Let's face it; it's over, huh?

Might as well tally up and
see what we've got there.

Yeah, Woody, what's the total?

Well...

$1 million, five
hundred thousand.

Decimal point, Woody.

Oh. Hold everything.

$150 even.

Hey guys, bad news.

I just came from Gary's.

He's raking in the
money, hand over fist.

And then again why shouldn't he?

I mean, he's charging
five bucks a beer.

Looks like we lost again.

Well, Sammy, guess you're
gonna have to fork over

that 150 to Gary.

Uh, actually, we raised
the stakes, remember fellas?

Oh, yeah, how much
do you have to pay?

Well, it's, it's not money.

It's uh, it's more like
a, a little favor, actually.

Oh yeah? What is it?

It's, it's something that
people do everyday.

Uh, uh, I'm going
to, uh, need, uh,

you three guys to
help me out here.

Hey, just once I'd like
to be included, huh?

All right, Paul, you're in.

Thank you. Thanks,
I owe you Sammy.

Well, what do we have to do?

Uh, it's no big
thing, really, Norm.

We've just got to go
over to Gary's and...

What?

Uh, it's no big deal.

Fellas, all we've got
to do is, is let him.

What? Just get your
coats and follow me.

I'll tell you on the way over.

Hey, Sam, what's the big deal.

Why don't you just tell
us what we have to do?

All right, you got to...

Well, what do you think?

Well, let's get it over with.

Yeah, yeah, all right,
Gary. Go on. Go on. Go on.

Okay, I want to
see some big smiles.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Gary's Olde Towne Tavern has
the privilege of presenting an act

so humiliating, so
embarrassing, so degrading

that it could only happen
to the men of Cheers!

Let's hear it for them!

Gentlemen?

Whoo! Whoo!

And three, and four, and...

♪ Getting to know you ♪

♪ Getting to know
all about you ♪

♪ Getting to like you,
hoping that you like me ♪

♪ Haven't you noticed? ♪

♪ Suddenly I'm
bright and breezy ♪

♪ Because of all the
beautiful and new things ♪

♪ I'm learning about you ♪

♪ Day by day. ♪

It was the low point in my life.

Never ever have I been
naked and not had fun.

I tell you it was degradation.

I thought we were a lot
tighter the second show.

How am I ever gonna
show my face in here again?

Paul, it's not your face
that's burned into my memory.

You know, I kind of
found the whole thing,

uh, quite exhilarating.

Exhilarating?

I meant humiliating.

It was really humiliating.

Uh, guys, you've
been really good to me,

so I'm gonna be good to you.

You need a finish.

Yeah, that's real funny.

That's real funny stuff.

I'll tell you something, man.

I'm gonna get you... I
don't care how long it takes,

how much money it costs,
how many lives are lost,

I'm gonna get you,
Gary, once and for all.

Oh, I hope not

because I'm still shaking
from that terrifying

five-dollar-beer prank.

Yeah, well, I'm
still gonna get you.

Sammy, let's just give it up.

No! Never!

I tell you I'm
gonna get that guy.

I don't give a...
Oh, you know...

Oh, yes, yes-yes-yes.

There's one guy who can
help us out here, fellows.

I'm calling in Harry the Hat.

You know, my
underwear's a little tight.

It's funny, mine's
a little loose.

Let me get this straight.

Over the years, Gary has
put sheep in your office,

had exterminators shut you down,

and then yesterday
he built a brick wall

around the bar and
had you perform naked?

Listen, we need your help bad.

I'm sorry, Sam,
I'm not interested.

Oh, all right, fine. Fine, Harr.

What is your price?

No, I don't want
your money, Sam.

Besides, if I did,
I could take it.

I kind of like you guys.

So let me give you a piece of
advice: stop trying to top Gary.

You're never gonna beat him.

Face it. You're
a bunch of losers.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

It's your nature you know?

It's the way God made you.

You're part of his master plan.

If it weren't for you guys,

how would we know
who the winners were?

No, we're not losers.

All right, fine,
have it your way.

Woody, give me a beer, huh?

Sure.

Yeah, but don't forget
to charge him, Woody.

Get some money out of him.

Yeah, all right, all right.

What do I owe you, Woody?

Well, that'll be two dollars.

Hey, you know, I got
a lot of change here.

Will you take all this
and give me a 20?

Well, you know,

be careful of that Woody.

I think he's pulling

his flimflam
shortchange thing here.

Really?

Yeah, yeah. Count the money.

Oh... oh, this isn't right.

Aha. Yeah, see?

You gave me too much.

Huh?

That's your tip, Woody.

Oh, no, I'm not
falling for that.

I'll just keep the two
dollars for the beer.

Yeah. See, Harry?

We're not as stupid
as you think we are.

No, I guess you're not.

Here's your wallet, Cliff.

Wow, he's good. Very good.

Aw, who are we
kidding, you guys?

We might as well just quit.

Hey, wait, wait a minute.
What are you saying?

You mean after
Gary's done to us,

you're just gonna
roll over and die?

You're gonna walk away?

You're gonna be a quitter, Sam?

Yeah, Carla, that's
exactly what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna quit! I'm
tired of losing to the guy.

Tomorrow I'm
gonna go over there.

I'm gonna make my peace
with him once and for all.

Well, go.

But I'm not lettin'
him off the hook.

This is personal now.

And I don't know
what, I don't know,

but I swear I am gonna
do something to that guy.

Look, Carla, we're
willing to give in.

You should, too.

It's not like you had to
dance naked over there.

No, but I had to look
at it on videotape.

Gary's selling videotapes?

No, He's giving them away
with every five-dollar beer.

Can you believe it?
The League rejected me.

Why?

Because they said I
was too self-involved

and that I wasn't
community-minded enough.

So now I have to spend
the next six months

doing community service. Yawn.

Woody, get me a
charity on the phone.

Which one?

How the hell do I know?!

Just make sure it's close by.

And I don't want one
that's real depressing.

And no weekends!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, Carla!

Carla!

I just came back from Gary's!

Wha, what were you thinking?!

Are you crazy?!

I really got him
good, didn't I, Sam?

Got him good?

Honey, we're in
serious trouble here!

What are you talking about?

Malone! You went
way too far this time.

You're gonna
go to jail for this!

I swear to God, Gare, we
had nothing to do with this.

Wha-what are you talking about?

Just yesterday, you swore
in front of witnesses that,

that you were gonna ruin
me. You said you'd do anything!

That's true, Sam. I was there.

What the hell were
you thinking, Malone?

Did you think you were
gonna get away with this?!

Well, forget about it.
I'm gonna call the cops.

The cops?!

Wait a minute!

Putting a rat in
a heating system

isn't even a misdemeanor!

Carla, sweetheart, please,
you're just making things worse.

My, my bar is ruined!

Please, man, don't
bring the cops into this.

Listen, I-I'm begging you.

I'm on my knees here.

No, you're not.

Oh...

Please...

Oh, and this is
supposed to be enough?

Help me out here,
will ya? Come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sam! Ha-ha, I
gotcha! That's news.

What's, what's going on here?

You fell for it. It was a trick.

What is a trick?

I saw your bar being bulldozed!

Somebody bulldozed your bar?

I bulldozed my bar.

You see, I sold my property
to a commercial developer,

and he's going to put a
shopping center on my old spot.

I'm getting a
million bucks for it.

But the best part is,

you guys have humiliated
yourselves at the feet

of the master one last time.

Yeah, well, the joke's on you.

We happen to need a
shopping center in this area.

Sam, I hope you don't mind,

but since I don't
have a bar anymore,

I invited the developer
over here to, you know,

help me celebrate.

Sam, I'd like you to
meet your new neighbor,

Rutherford Cunningham.

Real nice place you have here.

Nice to meet you.

Sam, is it?

Yeah.

A bottle of your
finest champagne.

Cheers.

Oh, Gary, uh, phone
for you, the bank.

Oh, yeah. Sam, do you mind
if I take that in your office?

It's big business,
that sort of thing.

Sure.

Bank's not used to
million-dollar deposits.

So, Sam! It's good
to see you again.

Now what's that I heard
about the finest champagne?

Did you do this?

Did you, did you
destroy his bar?

No, I didn't. Gary did.

He's the one
hired the bulldozer.

Me? I'm just an
interested land developer

who's gonna come up
a little short on funds...

say about a million bucks short.

I have the same problem
with a decimal point.

Excuse me.

I believe that's the sound
of my check bouncing.

Mr. Cunningham?

Uh, where's, uh, Mr. Cunningham?

Uh, he left.

Uh, why, Gary?

Uh, no reason.

Oh, man!

Oh, you are terrific!

If you guys ever need any
more help, you just give me a call.

Oh, thank you, Harry.

Ah, don't mention it.

I guess I've always had a
soft spot for you lunkheads.

Hey, how are we ever
gonna pay you back?

Sam, you already have.

Aw, what a guy, huh?

Wonder what he meant by,

we already have
paid him back, though?

Oh, I don't know.

You know, probably that
warm spirit, the camaraderie,

something like that.

Yeah, yeah, he
stole all my money.