Cheers (1982–1993): Season 11, Episode 18 - The Last Picture Show - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

We're going live now to
the Route 93 overpass,

where an unidentified woman
has climbed to the outside rail

and is threatening to jump.

An emergency rescue
team has had no luck so far

in persuading the woman

to climb down from
her dangerous perch.

Oh, boy. As one
who has been there,

it is imperative that they do
nothing to agitate that woman.

Boy, oh, boy. I mean, what

what has to go
wrong with your life



to be driven to such
desperate measures, huh?

We have a tentative
identification.

The woman is Anna
Cosetti of Boston.

Sam, can I take
the afternoon off?

Why? I gotta go

look after the kids; that
woman's my babysitter.

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Oh, my God.

What's that, Cliff?



They're closing the
Twi-Lite Drive-In.

Oh, you're joking, man.

No, not at all.

Yeah, yeah.

Another American icon
destroyed by the bulldozer.

What are they gonna close next?

Hopefully, your mouth.

Well, I like drive-ins.

All the great memories
I have of that place.

You know what

I love most about that place?

It has that, that great
hot, fresh popcorn,

and they use real butter there,

not that imitation yellow stuff.

Isn't that where you
proposed to Vera there, Norm?

Yeah.

Anyway, do you know any place

that has real butter
these days? I don't.

Boy, I've been
going to that place

ever since I was a teenager.

Of course a lot of
the stuff I saw there

was pretty hard core.

They didn't show those
kind of movies there.

Who said they did?

Boy, oh, boy, you
know, I'll never forget

Ma used to take me down there

all bundled up in my pajamas

and all, you know.

Yeah, as a matter of
fact, it was at the Twi-Lite

that I first saw
Herbie, the Love Bug.

Cliffie, Herbie, the Love
Bug came out in, uh, 1969,

and you were born in, uh...

Oh, please, man,
don't. Don't do the math.

Geez, I feel so left out.

You guys have all these
wonderful memories

about this spot.

I must confess, I've never
even been to a drive-in.

Well, tonight's your
lucky night, Doc.

Uh, it says here, down
at the Twi-Lite they're, uh,

closing up with an
all-night Godzilla marathon.

What do you say, shall
we go? Shall we, huh?

Yeah, I'm in.

Geez, I'd love to.
Sounds like fun.

Why don't we all just jump into my BMW?
- No!

You can't go to a, a
drive-in in a Beemer, man.

You need a classic convertible.

Okay, okay.

I'm sold. So where
do we get one?

Well, Cliff, your mom has
a convertible, doesn't she?

No!

What do you mean? I
saw her just the other day.

She was driving a convertible.

Now, look, Norm,
there's a lot of

beautiful women driving
around in convertibles, all right?

Mr. Clavin, you
wouldn't be afraid

to ask your mom to
borrow the car, would you?

I'm not gonna
dignify that with a yes.

Come on, Cliff. It's one night.

It's not gonna kill ya. Yeah.

Come on. Oh, well.

All right, all right, all right.

I'll figure something out.

All right, count me in.

All right, great. What
about you, Mr. Peterson?

Well, I'm in, Wood, but, uh,

I can't go to the
snack bar for you guys.

When I was a teenager, I, uh,

ran up quite a
tab at that place.

Well, how big?

Well, they are closing
down, aren't they?

Sam Malone!

Yes.

You know who I am?

No, sir, I don't,

but I swear to you, I never
touched your daughter.

Nah, nah, you bought this
bar from me 17 years ago.

Although, now
that you mention it,

you did touch my daughter.

I'll be damned! Yeah!

Gus O'Malley! How are you doing?

Look at that.

What are you doing here?

Ah, I came to town for a wedding

and thought I'd drop by

Boy, this place looks great.

You've really, really
kept it in good shape.

Yeah, thanks for that.

Hey, uh, I want
you to meet, uh...

Carla Tortelli's our waitress.

This is Gus O'Malley. Hi.

That's Woody, our bartender.

Hi. Woody.

I bought this place from Gus.

Yeah. Sam, you've been had.

You already own this bar.

You must be Coach's boy.

It's a good guess,
but, no, he, uh,

actually, you know, uh,

Coach passed away
several years ago.

Oh, that's too bad. Yeah.

You look great. What've,
what've you been doing?

I moved to Arizona
with the wife.

Been living off my life savings.

Believe me, if you
manage this place right,

it can really provide
for you in your old age.

It can?

Oh, yeah. It's all
in the management.

Oh...

Sam, I'm gonna
use the petty cash

to buy lottery tickets.

The way I figure
it, it's our only hope.

Rebecca, I'd like you
to meet Gus O'Malley.

He used to have
the place before me.

Oh, nice to meet you. Rebecca.

Hey, Sam, uh...

you and her, huh? Oh, we, uh...

No, no. No, no, no. No, no.

It feels so great

to be back here
in this old saloon!

Boy, I could... Listen,
do you think I could,

I could pop back here, you know,

and maybe serve
up one little drink?

You know, just
for old times' sake?

Yeah. Do it. Go on.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This brings it all back.

It's like I never left.

Uh, could I have a
beer, please, Gus?

Sure, Norm.

Something's different.

Gus is back!

How you been, Norm?

I'm all right. Can't complain.

Yeah. How is that
lovely bride of yours?

What, what was her name again?

Vera. Oh, yeah.

Vera. Boy, I remember
when they were newlywed.

You'd come in here every night

and make those goo-goo
eyes at each other.

You're kidding me.

Norm and Vera?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He'd recite poetry
to her all the time.

He'd put quarter after
quarter in that jukebox,

and he'd slow dance
with Vera until closing.

You remember that, Norm?

Just give me the beer, Gus.

Hey, guys!

Hey! Hey, Johnny. Hi, Ed.

Sorry I'm late.

Got the car.
Everything's all set.

Great. How'd you get your mother

to part with her
precious vehicle?

Oh, I just, uh, poured a
couple of glasses of wine,

cranked the heat up to full,

and, uh, she'll
sleep till Saturday.

All right. Godzilla, here we come.
- Yep! Here we go.

Hey, you guys have a good time.

See you later, Woody.

Listen, I want to thank you guys

for letting me come along.

Horseplay, you
know. Camaraderie.

Hanging out with the
guys and having fun

is something that's been
sorely missed in my life.

I'm really looking forward
to this drive-in thing.

Yeah, well, in that case,

I suggest we make you trunk boy.

Wow, trunk boy!

Don't know what it
is, but it sounds fun.

Well, gang, I got to be leaving.

I haven't had so much
fun in a long, long time.

I feel like a kid again.

Hey, hold on a second here.

Gus, listen.

You know, with Woody leaving

to go to the drive-in
and everything,

I'm a little short-handed.

What do you say you
hop behind the bar here

and let me put you
on salary for a night?

Nah, you kids don't want
an old buzzard back there.

Yeah, of course. Come on.

It'd be so great. You know,

it'd be like having a
little piece of history

behind the bar, you know?

Take us back to our roots.

Besides, we
really like you, Gus.

Well, all right,
all right. I'll do it.

Hey, Sammy? Yeah.

As long as we
got the old geezer,

I'm gonna take the night off.

W-What do you want
me to do first, boss?

Well, you tell me.
You're the boss.

What?

Yeah, you're gonna

run the place, just
like the old days, Gus.

As a matter of fact...

Hey, listen up, everybody!

This is Gus O'Malley.

He owned the place before
me, and as far as I'm concerned,

tonight I'm working for him.

Do you mean that, Sam?

Yeah.

Oh, I gotta tell you,
I'm very touched.

Yeah. Thank you.

Yeah. Boy, it's, uh,

been a long time;
I'm a little bit rusty.

Long time since I ran
a bar, but here goes.

All right! All right!
Let's move it!

Let's move it!
Let's move it, sexy.

And you, too.

Let's move it! Move it!

I wanna see your butt
moving, not your lips.

Oh, yeah, that feels right.

Great.

Finally we park.

You only drove around
the lot three times.

I had to get my
bearings there, Norm.

Oh, yeah, I used to come

with my high school
buddies all the time

and I'd go to the snack
bar and come back...

Couldn't find the car.

Damnedest thing.

Kept happening
over and over again.

Cliff, did it ever occur to you
that maybe the fellows were...?

Never mind.

Let's hook up the
speaker. All right.

No, no, hold your
horses there, Woody.

You know, those things
can chip and scratch. Uh...

See if I can get the
old speaker doily here.

Yeah.

You know, my mom
made this herself.

Hey, are we there yet?

Uh-oh. Trunk boy.

Yeah.

Oh, hang on, Doc, we're coming!

Well, hurry up!

Ah, no! What?

Ah, the stupid key
broke off in the lock there.

Hey, what's going on out there?

Don't panic, okay?

Th-The first rule of being
trunk boy is, "Don't panic."

Now, I have some news for you

that you may find upsetting.

Cliff broke the
key off in the lock.

What?!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Don't be putting
dents in that lid, huh?

Oh, thank God! Air!

Oh, great, great.
Thanks a lot, Doc.

In your cowardly desire to
live, you broke Ma's trunk.

That's fine. Let's
watch the movie.

Come on, guys. The
movie's about to start.

I don't mind telling you,

That-that's the
most terrifying thing

I've ever gone
through in my life.

Yeah, well, we saved six bucks.

Oh? That much? Yeah.

Wood, you want to make the, uh,

first, uh, run to the
snack bar, please?

Sure. What do you guys want?

Well, I'll have a mineral water

and a decaf cap, and, um...

Oh! Bring me some
Toblerone chocolate.

You really don't get the
drive-in experience, do you?

I'm trying.

Hey, uh, listen,
if we're talking

about having messy snacks
in the car, I guess it's apropos

to go over Ma's rules

as regards the food
and beverage service.

Uh, Norm, you want
to get the, uh, flyers

out of the glove
compartment there, please?

Cliff, uh, listen...

Tell you what? While
I pass out these,

uh, flyers, why
don't you go ahead

and get the, uh, snacks, okay?

We'll save time that way.

Oh, capital idea.
Very efficient.

Be back in a flash. Okay.

Ma's rule number
one... Ditch the mailman.

Shake your booty, Tortelli!

You got scotches waiting.

My policy is that
if the customer

doesn't get the drink
within 30 seconds,

they're on the house,

which means you're docked
for the price of the beverage.

I'll dock you.

I heard that.

You know, between you and me,

I think she needed
that little kick in the butt.

She's always just doing
exactly what she wants to do,

and she never
gets any work done.

Well, it must be nice
to have the kind of job

where you just stand around
all day and talk all the time.

Excuse me?

Am I to assume that the
time cards have been finished?

That you've completed

the work schedule for next week?

That you made out the
deposit slips for this money

that is overflowing
the cash drawer here?

While you're standing around,
I've been hustling drinks!

Well, I have been very busy.

Well, maybe you've been
flapping your lips there! Hey!

Tortelli!

You got boilermakers
here, Tortelli!

Oh, Sam, can I talk
to you for a minute?

Sure. Sure.

Well, suddenly we're in
Hawaii lounging on the beach.

Could, could you just give
us a second here, Gus?

Right. That's
exactly what you got.

Sam, cute is cute,

but you got to do something
about Captain Bligh over there.

All right, yeah,
I'll talk to him.

I'll talk to him.

Hey, Gus, I have an idea.

Let me give you a break here.

You've been working
your buns off here.

Oh, I get it.

The old man's in the way, huh?

Well, I guess you can't
go home again after all.

For a few precious hours there,

I was able to forget
about my heart condition.

Gus, you have a...

you have a heart condition?

Well, I didn't
want to bring it up,

but I mean, uh,
who cares, right?

Yeah.

No, no.

Oh, shoot!

You know, uh, completely
forgot, I got something to do here.

Uh, oh, damn.

Can you, can you,
uh, fill in for me

for the rest of the night?

You wouldn't mind, would you?

You mean that, Sam?

Yeah, please.

Sam, you made me a happy man!

Ah, great.

All right! All right!

Who went over my head?!

Who double-crossed Gus?!

Well, suddenly our tongues
ain't wagging no more, are they?

That's very interesting.

So, this is your
precious drive-in?

Tin box squawking in our ears,

endless parade of people
walking in front of the car,

a man in a rubber dragon suit

stepping on miniature
Japanese houses.

Yeah, you believe they're
gonna tear this place down?

You guys, this couldn't
really happen, could it?

Hmm?

I mean, don't think I'm
stupid or anything, but I mean,

you know, if there really
was atomic testing offshore,

and it woke up a dinosaur,

and it got affected by
the radiation, I mean,

you know, not exactly like this,

but maybe something
pretty close?

Woody, Woody, Woody,

when are you gonna grow up?

Course it could happen.

You know, I'm
getting kind of cold.

Do you think we
can put the top up?

Uh, sure, Fras.

What happened?

I don't know. It's stuck.

Well, put it back down. Here.

I'm trying. It's jammed.

Hey, put that thing down!

We're trying to watch a movie!

Let me handle this, Norm.

I'm a great believer
in the retort courteous.

Why don't you move
your car, butt head?!

Yep. Good work, Dr. Crane.

They stopped honking.

Many an upperclassman was
afraid of the lash of my tongue.

Well, you know,
Norm, I think you were

way out of line with
that "butt head" crack.

Oh, hi. How you doing there?

Look, uh,

it's-it's jammed.

It-it won't go down. It, uh...

Thank you!

Oh, well, there you guys are.

Boy, I get so turned
around in these drive-ins.

Hey.

Hey, what-what
happened to the top?!

All right, come on, you guys.

I'm taking names.

Well, geez, Cliff, it-it
was the guy behind us.

He just went over
to the snack bar.

You can't miss him.

He's got the sort of
fashion risk hair style.

Oh.

A little punky freak, huh? Yeah.

I'll-I'll deal with him.

Okay.

Now, what the hell is
that supposed to be,

a giant moth?

Well, it's funny you
should bring it up.

That's Mothra.

They're trying to
figure out a way to kill it.

Yeah? Why don't they just
throw a wool suit over the city,

and when he goes
for it, zap him?

How'd it go, Cliff?

Oh, just fine.

Cliff, where's my chocolate?

You don't want to know.

So, uh, what'd I miss?

Why-why is that girl,

uh, running around
screaming at everybody?

Well, she's trying to convince
them that, uh, that Godzilla's

merely confused and not
really trying to hurt them.

Isn't that the part usually
played by Akiro Nakamoto?

Yeah, yeah.

But, uh, she left halfway
through the Godzilla series.

I don't understand.

Why would an actress leave

right in the middle of
a successful series?

Woody, Woody,
what are you doing?

I'm not doing anything.

Why is the car shaking?

I don't know.

Well, I'm not doing anything.

Hold it. I know
what's going on here.

What? What is it?

Well, there's a
teenager back here

with a tattoo in the
shape of a flaming skull

relieving you of your tires.

Geez, Ma's gonna kill me.

What are we gonna do?

All right, everybody
get on the floor,

don't make any eye contact.

We might have a chance.

All right, one more time.

It's Cheers.

The "C" is for...

Courtesy. Courtesy.

The "H" is for...

Honesty. Honesty.

The "E" is for...

Energy. Energy.

The other "E" is for...

More energy. More energy.

The "R" is for...

Right, Gus. Right, Gus.

Which you "S" for "say"
when I give an order.

You know, Gus, I-I think
what the problem is here

that you are just being
a little too hard on us.

Well, thank you very
much, Miss Howe,

for telling me that I have to
pussyfoot around my employees.

Incidentally, in my day,
a woman in the public eye

made it her business to
look as attractive as possible.

What?

Have they stopped
making lipstick?

Am I that old?

Come on, Gus.

Gus, what are you doing, man?

You can't talk to
them like this, damn it.

These are my employees.

They're my friends, too.

I trained them, and I'm
gonna stand by them.

You people are the most
thoughtless, lazy bunch of slobs

I've ever had the misfortune
to know in my entire life!

How do you expect
to serve the public?

You people have taken
the good name of Cheers...

A name I worked
so hard to build up...

And you've turned
it into garbage.

And if you think

I'm a hard worker, you
should've known the guy

that owned this place before me.

He collapsed and died

right here in this bar,

right there where you're
standing this minute!

I realize that I cannot
fire the lot of you

just because you disgust me.

So I'm gonna do
the next best thing,

and I'm gonna walk out of here.

Now, you can have your apron,

and you can have your damn bar!

Sam?

Boy, tonight was the most
fun I've had in 20 years.

Oh, I thank you, all of
you, so very, very much.

Listen, if you people
are ever in Arizona,

you got a place to stay.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, whoa,
whoa, wait a minute here.

Here.

This is tonight's
receipts, you see?

The-the cash drawer

was full, and that's
what's-what's left over.

Good night, Sam.

Good night, ladies.

Good night, Cheers.

All right, all right, all right!

Okay, let's get a move on.

Let's get a move on.

I want to see your butts moving,

not your lips! Come on!

Move it! Move it!

Move it! Move it! Move it!

Well, thanks for
coming to the rescue.

Well, lucky for you they
only took the one tire.

Got the spare on.

She's as good as new.

So if you have
any more problems,

just do what you did before...

Lean on the horn and
scream "They're killing us.

They're killing us."

Well, thank you
very much, officer.

And, uh, here you go.

Little something for yourself.

Stamps?

What the hell am I
gonna do with stamps?

Well, guys, you think
Godzilla there is, uh,

ferocious with his fire breath
and crushing buildings, huh?

Wait till you see Ma when
she gets a load of this car.

I'll be off on the
next boat to Rio.

You can say good-bye to your
old buddy, Cliff, that's for sure.

Well, sorry about
that, Mr. Clavin.

Well, you know, it's been

a pretty miserable
night, actually.

What do you say we call
it a night and head home?

Oh, no you don't, Doc.

We went through all this so
we could have a good time

at the drive-in, and that's
exactly what we're gonna do.

Oh, come on, Cliff.

There's only one more movie.

We all know what's gonna happen.

There's gonna be atomic
testing, Godzilla's gonna wake up,

gets mad, goes and eats Tokyo,

fights some other monster,
disappears into the ocean.

The end.

Oh, well, thanks
a lot, Dr. Crane.

Oh, look, please, you
know, you guys, I don't know,

your attraction to the
drive-in experience,

it just eludes me.

I mean, no wonder they're
tearing all these places down.

Yeah, maybe you're right. Yeah.

Maybe there is something
to being out on Friday night,

and you're hanging
out with all your pals

and watching the movie.

I guess those days are gone.

Gentlemen, may I suggest that
you are not mourning the loss

of this drive-in, but rather
the loss of your youth.

Guess you're right, Doc.

Wow, it's kind of sad
when you think about it.

Mmm. Yeah.

Yeah, I think you hit the tail

right on the donkey
with that one, Doc.

Yes, it's the
superficial trappings

of youth that we yearn for.

We wish for time to
stand still, and why?

Because we are afraid
of our own mortality.

Sure.

But sooner or later,

it's time for men to put aside

childish things because,
well, they are no longer childs.

So, as a great poet once
said, "If I were a child..."

You know, Cliff,
uh, tell you what,

before we take off, why don't
you get one more look at that,

uh, that little popcorn girl
you were telling us about?

Hey, yeah.

Have one more
tub of that popcorn.

Yeah, you bet.
Tell you what, here.

Sweet on me,
wasn't she? My treat.

Yeah.

Gonna find another parking spot?

Hell, no. We're going home.