Cheers (1982–1993): Season 11, Episode 16 - Is There a Doctor in the Howe? - full transcript

Frasier gets a Dear John letter from Lilith, who is still in the eco-pod. She wants a divorce since she and Dr. Pascal aka Googie have committed to their love. A flood of negative emotions flow out of him. Rebecca suggests to the gang that they throw Frasier a divorce party to cheer him up, complete with stripper. Frasier is touched by the gesture, but is still depressed and a bit drunk at the end of the evening, so Rebecca offers to drive him home. After he invites her in for coffee, one thing leads to another which leads to the bedroom. Before they can really get hot and heavy, the gang from the bar, one by one, come over to cheer Frasier up. As hard as he tries to get rid of them, they won't leave. After a long evening of the gang's company, Frasier finally gets rid of them and finds Rebecca in his bed asleep. Both thinking that the moment has passed between the two of them, they reiterate to each other that they still want to continue what was interrupted. Just as they start their actual lovemaking, they get another visitor who really disrupts the proceedings.

I know that Lilith is
never coming back.

Next time on Cheers...

We'll throw him a party.

What? A divorce party.

Old Fras needs some cheering up.

Lilith stinks.

Hey, guys, what
are friends for, huh?

That's what friends
do, they help each other.

And a friend in need
is a friend indeed.

First Sam, now you.

Who's next, Cliff?



Next time on Cheers.

This is not romantic.

This is just... weird.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Not again.

Every day this week!

If I find out who
this N.R.P. creep is,

I'm really gonna
let him have it.

Hurry up, Norm.

Sammy's getting
a lot faster at this.

Got it.

Hey, Norm.

Listen, I uh...

I know the N.P. stands
for Norm Peterson.



What's the "R" stand for?

Resourceful.

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Mailgram for you, Fras.

Well, I'll be darned.

Yeah, what's that?

Well, it says here if you walk

with a quarter wedged
between your knees

your, your posture
will be a lot better.

Hey, give me a couple of
bits here, Norm, I want to try it.

Tell you what, Cliff...

here's a buck to
not try it, okay?

Fair enough.

What's the matter?

It's from Lilith.

Oh, that's awful.

What? What's awful?

"Dear Frasier, life in
the Eco-pod is wonderful.

"Googie and I are happier

"than we've ever been.

"Please start
divorce proceedings.

Our marriage is..."

Made in heaven?

"Our marriage is over."

That burns my hide...
Lilith sending that Mailgram.

Well, thank you, Cliff.

Well, all of a sudden a first class
stamp isn't any good anymore?

I mean, people,

I've been telling you, I
mean, our success rate

is almost 50%!

Well, you know,
unless it's raining,

'cause then the tires...

I'm sorry to hear that.

Sorry.

Oh, thank you, Sam.

Divorce, Lilith wants a divorce.

You know, I, I know
we've been separated

and I've been saying
some pretty bitter things,

but... I guess deep down
in my heart of hearts,

I'd always hoped for some
sort of a reconciliation.

Now I just don't
know how to feel.

Hey, you know, Fras,

I went through this same
thing when Nick left me.

And the way I look at it,
here's what you can do.

You can get angry and
bitter, learn to hate the world,

snap at people.

Or?

Or what?

You want to talk about it,
make yourself feel a little better?

Oh, I appreciate what
you're trying to do, Sam,

but, uh, I think I'd just, uh,

rather be alone right now.

Try to figure out how I'm
gonna carry on now that,

I know that Lilith is
never coming back.

Boy, oh boy.

That must be rough, huh?

I've never been married,

but, uh, I remember how
depressed I was when Ma left me.

You referring to the time
your mother moved to Florida

when you were 37 years old?

It still hurt.

Poor Fras.

Boy, I'm never seen him so sad.

And it's too bad.

You know, he's
always there for us.

He's always helping us out.

What can we do to cheer him up?

I don't know.

Oh, I've got it.

Oh! We'll throw him a party.

What?

A divorce party.

You know, then that way
he'll know that all his friends

support him and, and maybe
it'll brighten his day a little bit.

We'll, we'll have it for him
tomorrow when he usually comes in.

I don't know, you
know, a party for a guy

whose wife just left him...

uh... it seems kind of strange.

Makes perfect sense to me.

Look out, everybody,
here he comes.

Okay, what do we
yell when he comes in?

Just yell, "Surprise!"

Surprise, surprise, surprise...

okay, I think I've got it.

Surprise!

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow... ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny. ♪

Is this for me?

Yes, I thought it would
help you get over Lilith.

Do you like it? Oh,
very much. Thank you.

Well, it was my idea.

The guys fought
me at every turn.

Okay, everybody,
let's lift our glasses here

and toast Frasier's
new-found freedom!

Yeah! Yeah!

Woody, you having a beer?

Why not?

I'm a grown man, I'm an adult.

I can handle my alcohol.

Plus we're out
of chocolate milk.

I want to make the
first toast to Frasier.

Lilith stinks!

Lilith stinks!

Profoundly put.

But I really don't
want this to degenerate

into a "bash Lilith" party,
so, look, what's done is done.

It's about time I got over it.

Oh, well, then you're
not going to like

what we did to the dart board.

Dah!

Well, maybe just one throw.

Nice shot! All right, Frasier!

Well, I've got one at home.

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

Woody, uh, exactly
how many beers

have you had
there, young fellow?

Just one... Mom.

Wood, you got to be
careful there, buddy.

You never know how liquor's
going to affect you, you know?

Sometimes you can get depressed.

Sometimes you get giddy.

So, Norm, when're you gonna
get off your butt and get a job?

Sometimes you just
get brutally honest.

Frasier, you know
how I feel about you.

But I'm not any good with words,

so I'm gonna let this
do the talking for me.

Oh, Lordy, look at that!

Yeah! Cake!

All right, huh? The
world of the exotic dancer.

A little sleazy if you ask me.

Almost as sleazy as the
types who frequent those joints.

Oh, hey! It's Cliff!

Hey, uh, I must
look like a Cliff.

Uh, excuse me, miss,
could you move the veil,

you're blocking the
mocha creme, here.

You're kidding, right?

No, you see, uh, sweetheart,

over the years our
priorities change.

Yeah? How so?

Hey there, Miss Krapence.

That's Mr. Krapence.

That's not what I heard.

Say, Woody, why
don't you sit down

right here for a
while, all right?

What's with this
"Miss Krapence" stuff?

I mean, who's been
making cracks?

I've got an ex-wife, you know.

Whoa, what-what-what
are you doin' man?

Why, why, why are you
taking shots at, at Paul, huh?

Well, come on, Sam,

use your head.

The guy's in his
40s, he's not married.

He's always braggin'
about his sex life

and yet he's always here.

It all adds up, Sam.

Or should I say, Samantha?

Would you guys do
something with him?

Look at that, Norm.
He's fast asleep.

Hmm?

Oop!

Oop! Look at this
legs... They're twitching.

I bet you he's dreaming
he's chasing rabbits.

Don't be ridiculous, Cliff.

Only dogs dream
about chasing rabbits.

Frasier, are you
enjoying your party?

Yes, I am, very much.

Uh, friends,

uh, I just wanted to say thanks.

Really, thank you very much.

Aw. Okay.

It's just terrific you
guys tried to cheer me up

and, uh, I just think it's time
I was shoving off now, okay?

Frasier, you're going home?

Well, yes, and, uh,
thank you again, Rebecca,

for putting all this together.

Frasier, are you
going to be all right?

I, I just get a little emotional
when I, when I drink too much.

Look at me.

Fras, you know what?

I think I'm gonna
drive you home.

Oh, I would really
appreciate that, Rebecca.

I sent Frederick to
his grandmother's,

and I just don't want to go
home to that house alone.

Frasier for what it's worth,

I think that Lilith made a
big mistake. Well, thank you.

And for what it's worth,

I think that Evan Drake
made a big mistake, too.

Thank you, Frasier.

And, well, uh,
while we're at it,

so did Sam, and,
uh, Martin Teal,

and Robin Colcord and that...

that cousin of Woody's
that used to play the piano,

and Mark Newberger.

And those are just the
ones you know about.

Ah.

I hope you didn't mind my
pouring my guts out to you.

I didn't mind a bit.
I was glad to help.

So I'll see you
tomorrow at work?

Uh, Rebecca, why don't
you come on in for a bit?

I'll make some coffee.

Sure. Okay. Great.

All I've got's instant.

Oh, instant's fine.

You know, come
to think of it, Fras,

you have a really hard job.

You listen to other people tell
you their problems all day long

and you never really have a
chance to talk about yourself.

You're a very sympathetic
person, Rebecca.

Thanks again.

Frasier, would you
quit thanking me?

That's what friends
do, they help each other.

You really are my
friend, aren't you?

Well, of course I am.

Fras, I think I better go.

Oh, oh, God.

Rebecca, I'm-I'm so sorry.

Uh, this... this is
entirely unintentional.

I-It wasn't premeditated
or anything.

I, uh, oh, God, uh...

Frasier, I understand
what you're trying to say.

Let's just forget it
ever happened, okay?

Rebecca, wait, wait.

I've always found you,
you know, rather attractive.

Well, very attractive really.

Well, thank you very much.
That's sweet of you to say,

but I really think
I'd better be go...

It's just that seeing
you now in my home,

looking into your
beautiful eyes,

I just wanted to,

I had to...

Oh, God, what am I doing?!

This is not romantic,
this is just weird!

Frasier, y-you're my friend!

I've known you for years!

First Sam, now you.
Who's next... Cliff?

Oh, God!

Oh, Rebecca, you,
you have to admit,

there's always been some
sexual tension between us.

There has?

Yes. It started the first
day you came into the bar.

I heard your sexy, smoky voice.

I, I looked up and I thought,

"My God! Who is that woman?"

Really?!

Really.

Your turn.

What did you think
when you saw me?

I thought...

Well, you know, Fras, I
met so many people that day.

Well, I mean, through the years

you must have at least
found me a, a little attractive.

Well, I, uh...

Oh, come on!

I mean, surely for as long
as we've known each other,

there has to be
some sexual tension!

Why?!

Well it's been proven
in scientific journals!

People who spend any
amount of time with each other

do experience some sort of
subconscious sexual attraction!

Are you sure?

Do you want me to get the book?!

No, no, no, Frasier,
Frasier, Frasier,

Frasier, forget the book!

Frasier, listen to me. I...

You are a very attractive man.

And you're funny, you're
witty, and you're very charming.

And one time,

you came in the bar and
you had on these pants,

and they made your
buns look really cute.

What color were they?

I could go put them on.

No, Fras...

Fras, you don't need
to put those pants on.

My, my point here is that, for
all the years I've known you,

you have been married.

So, uh, I just, I never
really took notice.

Well, I'm not married now.

No, you're not.

Yeah, he's still
out cold, Normie.

Mm. Think we ought to wake him?

Well, we could.

You know, we could
take him over to his house

and, uh, get him
undressed, put him in bed,

let him sleep it off
in peace and quiet.

Yeah, we could do that.

But we're not going to, are we?

No, sir, my good
friend, we are not.

What we are going to do, though,

is, uh, get a pan of warm water,

put his hand in it,

and, uh, step back and
watch the hilarity ensue.

Guys, am I the only one here
who's concerned about Frasier?

I think so.

You know, this could be

a depressing night
for him, you know?

We're his friends,
and here we are

just playing stupid
camp games with Woody.

Wait a minute.

The hand in the pan of warm
water a stupid camp game?

I don't even know who
you are, Sam Malone.

I'm serious.

Remember the last
time he got this upset?

He ended up on a ledge.

Yeah, you're right about that.

All I'm saying is maybe
he shouldn't be alone.

Yeah, yeah, maybe

we ought to go over there
with some chips and a pizza.

Thank you.

Yeah. I'll get some
videos or something, right?

Well, yeah, it feels good
to do something nice

for somebody sometimes, yeah?

Yeah. This is Cheers, right?

We, we stick with each other.

That's right. We
take care of our own.

Hey, guys, you'd
better take an umbrella.

It's starting to mist.

Mist?

Oh, man, that, uh,

that really messes up my hair.

It's not gonna help the tickle

in the back of my throat either.

And this, uh,
sweater is sure to pill.

Well, now what are we gonna do?

I'll get the pan. You
heat up the water.

Now, Rebecca, you're, you're
sure you're okay with this?

Because I wouldn't
want to do anything

to compromise our friendship,

and I know you're in a
very delicate state right now.

You ready to hit the sack?

Right upstairs.

You get some champagne

and I'll go upstairs
and get ready.

Right. Okay.

Take your time.

This is not a drill.

This is not a drill!

Damn!

Hey! There you are!

I didn't want you

to be alone and depressed
on a night like this.

So what I did was I brought over

some Three Stooges
tapes we can watch.

Whoo! Gloomy in
here. There you go!

Listen, Sam, uh...

Yeah, I know, I know, I know.

My hair's all frizzy.
But what the heck?

You're worth it, buddy.

Sam...

You know, I was thinking
about not coming here.

Then I thought
about how, you know,

how you'd feel to see
a friendly face around,

so here I am.

Sam, uh... Yeah?

I, I appreciate all
this, but, you know,

that you're here in my
hour of need and all,

and I just want to tell you

I think I'm okay with it now.

I think I'm just
gonna head upstairs

and you know...

put my head down, you know?

I, I...

Hi, Fras.

Carla! Hey!

Oh, Fras, sorry about
your wife, blah, blah, blah.

Well, brought some pizza.

I'm just gonna dig right in.

Give me a piece,
there, will you?

Uh, Sam, this is such
a wonderful gesture.

It shows a sensitivity that I...

Geez, doesn't that
hurt Curly's nose?

Well, of course it does.

That's what makes it funny.

Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.

Woo-oo-oo-oo! Woo-oo-oo-oo!

You got anything to
wash this down with?

Yeah. How about some napkins?

Um, sure. I'll, I'll get some.

They're, they're upstairs.

That's where we keep them.

I'll be, I'll be back in,
oh, 15 minutes or so.

Are you guys expecting anyone?

Uh, yeah, Norm and Cliff.

Aha! Tell him
what he's won, Bob!

Whoa! Pizza!

Beer.

Norm, Norm brought beer! Well.

No, no, no, I need a
beer. I'm a little thirsty.

Sure. I'll, uh,
I'll get you one.

It's, uh, it's upstairs.

You keep your beer upstairs?

Uh, yeah, in the bedroom.

You, too?

Paul!

Are you, uh, alone or did
you bring some friends, Paul?

What's that supposed to mean?

Well...

Nothing.

Come on in.

Thanks for cheering me up.

I didn't come here
to cheer you up.

I, I came to say something.

Everybody, there's, there's
something I've got to say.

Uh, Woody made
some comments earlier,

and at first I was angry,
but then I got to thinking.

I took a long hard
look at myself.

I'm 45 years old, my mother's
dead, what am I waiting for?

I, I guess what I'm
trying to say is "World..."

Hey, Paul,

this is Frasier's
night. Do you mind?

You're right, Sammy. I'm sorry.

Is there any pizza left?

I don't think so, Paul.

Just, uh, make
yourself at home, Paul.

Say, my God, is it
still raining outside?

You know, I'm, I'm
gonna go upstairs

and close those windows.

Okay? I'll probably
be a little while.

Oh, no, no! Hold on!

Whoa, no, you don't, buddy.

You're not gonna go up there and
brood and be all alone by yourself.

No way. No way.

We're here to make sure
that you enjoy yourself.

Well, then let me go upstairs
and close the windows!

I beg of you!

It's been a long time since
I've closed the windows!

They're wide open!

Don't you be silly, you big lug.

Hey, look what we did here.

We made a little space
for you on the sofa.

Yeah, you can be the meat

in our best friend sandwich.

Hey, Fras, we got six hours
of The Stooges for you, man.

Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.

Oh, God, look at that, fellows.

You big lug, you
got a tear in your eye.

Okay, guys...

Take care, buddy.

Thanks again. Good night.

Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.

Yes, yes, nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.

We'll watch these
again some other time.

Okay, bye-bye.

Oh, Frasier, I'm sorry.

I must have fallen asleep.

What time is it?

Well, it's pretty late.

Uh, I guess I'll go downstairs
and, uh, sleep on the couch.

Maybe I should just go.

No, no, you don't
have to go home.

You don't have to
sleep on the couch.

Just a second.

Frasier, what was that?

What was what?

I thought I heard a door slam.

You don't think those
guys are back, do you?

No, no impossible.

I locked and deadbolted it.

They'd need a key to get in.

Now where were we?

Let's make this a
night we'll never forget.

Frasier?

Lilith!

Rebecca?!

Lilith.

Am I the only one who
feels awkward here?