Cheers (1982–1993): Season 11, Episode 15 - Loathe and Marriage - full transcript

Hey, my daughter's
getting married!

Next time on Cheers...

Congratulations.
When's the baby due?

The wedding bells are ringing.

Kind of sleazy for
a wedding outfit.

That was my wedding dress.

And it seems no matter
how much you plan...

Am I in time for the nuptials?

Something always goes wrong.

Just look at this.

Hi gang at Cheers. The
uninvited father of the bride.



You smelly little wart.

Next time on Cheers.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hey, Sam. Sorry I'm late.

Had to stop at the drugstore.

That's okay, Woody. Yep.

Had to make another
embarrassing trip to the drugstore

to get a little, uh...

Protection? Yeah.

You know, Kelly and I
want to have a family and all,

but we figured we'd wait until
after that raise you promised.

Hope you got a
lot of protection.

Well, as usual, you know,
I'm a little embarrassed

and nervous when I go in there,



so I buy a whole bunch of stuff

so it doesn't look
like I'm just trying

to get some... you know.

Protection.

Yeah. So I got
some paper plates...

batteries, flashbulbs,

Skol...

some gum...

Chia Pet...

oh, eyeglass repair kit...

Yeah.

Oh, notebook paper...

and... VO5.

Where's the, uh...

where's the protection?

See you in about an hour, Sam.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Hi, Ma.

Hey! Look who's here.

Serafina!

What are you doing
here? I need to talk to you.

You're pregnant.

Carla, that is

a rude and unfair thing to say.

There's a million reasons why your
daughter would want to talk to you.

I am pregnant.

Then again, you raised a slut.

Sit down.

Now, oh, God...

first of all...

are you getting
sick in the morning?

A little bit, but I
haven't had to "Clavin,"

if that's what you mean.

And to answer
your next question,

no, it wasn't planned.

Oh, Serafina... I
have been praying

that this day wouldn't come,

but I can't say I'm
all that surprised.

In fact,

I have this little speech
I've been carrying around

in case it did happen.

"Dear Serafina,

soon you will be 14 and
able to think for yourself."

Mom.

I'm 18.

That's right, you are.

None of this applies.

So, do you know
who the father is?

Yes.

Oh, honey, I'm so proud!

It's Pat McDougall, the
guy I've been going with.

Isn't he that retired cop

who's just living off his
disability? That's right.

And now he wants to marry me.

Do you love him?

Yes. Then don't marry him.

What?

The worst thing you could
do, Serafina, is marry for love.

You know, when I first met
your deadbeat father, Nick,

I loved him, too.

Even when he knocked
up my sister, I said...

hey, look, the
guy is just trying

to get in good with the
family at my wedding.

But for the next ten years,
all he did was cheat on me,

treat me like dirt and keep
me in maternity clothes.

Mom, it's not like
that... Pat's a good man.

He loves me and I love him,

and we want to build
a life for our baby.

Please give us your blessing.

Well... you're not
gonna get that alimony

by staying single.

Mom, you're the best!

Hey, my daughter's
getting married!

Hey! Oh!

This'll be interesting. Yeah.

Finally, a wedding where
I don't envy the bride.

Thanks, Ma... You
won't regret this.

And listen, Pat and I are
gonna pay for the whole thing.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
you are my daughter,

and you're in love,
and I'm gonna make you

the best reception I can...
We're pulling out all the stops.

You know, there is an elegant,
tasteful restaurant upstairs,

and as luck would have
it, I am boinking the owner.

Hey, Hill! It's Carla.

Come on down
here, we got to talk.

Hill? What are you
doing? Come on.

You don't have
to have it up there.

Have it down here at Cheers.

Oh, no, no, we can
have the reception here,

but we got to have the
ceremony upstairs. Why?

Every wedding we have
at Cheers is a disaster.

Uh, remember you and Diane?

This place is jinxed.

No, it's not... you're just
thinking of the bad ones.

What about, uh,
Barry and JoAnne?

Barry! Come here.

Barry, how's it going
with you and JoAnne?

Where have you been, in a cave?

All right, Miss
Tortelli, just what is it?

My daughter Serafina has just
announced she's getting married.

Congratulations.

When's the baby due?

Here I come, Mom! Get ready!

What do you think?

That's great, Serafina.

You look great.

Kind of sleazy for
a wedding outfit.

Sam, that was my wedding dress.

When I say "sleazy,"

I mean sleazy in a beautiful
young bride kind of way.

Carla, is that Cap'n Gus
and his Polka Pirates?

It's my daughter's
wedding, isn't it?

Ah, Miss Tortelli,
there you are,

an hour behind schedule, I see.

You're as prompt
as you are lovely.

What do you want, Hill?

And by the way, you
have your toupee on wrong.

The hair goes on the outside.

Miss Tortelli, I'm
here to remind you

that this wedding must
be over by 11:30 on the dot.

That's when I open for lunch.

You open for lunch at noon.

I know your family...
They leave at 11:30;

at 11:31 the Orkin man arrives.

And please also
remind your guests

that even though
this is a wedding,

it is still a restaurant.

No shoes, no shirt, no service.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, Kelly, Woody.

I'll go put this on
the gift table, Woody.

Uh, hey, Woody, what'd
you get for the happy couple?

Ah, well, strictly
between you and me,

went up in the attic, dug
up one of our wedding gifts.

One of the ugliest
things I ever saw.

We couldn't wait
to get rid of it.

Ah, yeah, so you
just thought you'd, uh,

pass it on to the
happy couple, huh?

Good thinking.

So, uh, what is it?

Oh, a set of Star
Trek steak knives.

Woody, damn it!

That gift was
from Lilith and me!

They're delightfully whimsical
and-and very utilitarian.

Uh, I-I'm sorry Dr. Crane.

I didn't realize.

Well, all right, Woody.

To tell you the
truth, I, I was doing

the same thing
you were doing. I...

Fobbing off a gift
that we thought

was the worst thing we ever got.

Thanks a lot, Fras.

That was from Vera and me.

You and Vera gave those away?

You better not tell Ma.

Hey, there.

Remember me?

Yes, I do.

You're Carla's son, Gino.

And I did not appreciate

the nude photos of
yourself that you sent.

You know, it's the best I could
do at the machine at the mall.

Gino, would you forget about it?

I'm not gonna go out with you.

You're much too young for me.

Oh. Yeah, right.

Coo-coo-ca-choo, Miss Howe.

Thanks for everything, Mom.

Oh, honey, you
know, I got to admit

that I wasn't too
crazy about this at first.

But after spending this last
week getting the wedding ready

and being with
you and everything,

I got to say it's been
the best week of my life.

Me, too.

Ah, am I in time
for the nuptials?!

Daddy!

Nick.

My little girl, you
look so beautiful.

Are those implants?!

Carla...

it's been a fortnight.

You coloring your hair?

I cannot believe this.

What else could
possibly go wrong?

Hi, gang at Cheers!

Sorry I'm late,

but I had to park the car.

And then I had walk
from the car to here.

How did you find out about this?

My cousin Eddy called me.

He-he told me he
read it in the paper.

So I figured, uh, my
invitation got lost in the mail.

Daddy, I'm so glad you're here.

I can't wait for you
to meet my fiancé.

Stay right here; I'll
bring him down. Okay.

Hey, Nick.

Hey, Sam!

Hey. You, are not welcome here.

Now, you just do us all
a favor and leave, okay?

You have no right to be here.

I have a right to be here!

I am the father of the bride!

I have a responsibility to give
away the hand of the betrothed!

It's what's called
loin entitlement.

You smelly little wart.

See, Kelly, we're
not the only couple

who has cute little
nicknames for each other.

Carla, I have to
be honest with you.

When I heard about this wedding,

I was very hurt that
you excluded us.

After all, a marriage is
a time for forgiveness

and healing.

We drove 22 hours to get here.

We even bought
a beautiful present.

It's a set of Star
Trek steak knives.

Anyway, I have
a right to be here.

I'm, uh, I'm gonna stay.

Yeah?

You can just drive
22 hours back.

Oh, come on, Carla.

It took them so
long to get here.

And-and, you know,
he is her father.

Oh, fine, fine.

You want Nick to be at
my daughter's wedding?

Well, you can have him.

Just have a great time!

Oh, come on, Carla.

Yeah, women, women.

Isn't it enough we
sleep with them?

So, uh, Nick, what have
you been up to lately, huh?

Oh, uh, well, we still live

in the glamorous
environs of Las Vegas,

although we recently did move.

We didn't like our
old neighborhood,

so we just drove our
house to a better one.

Oh, uh, so how's the
career going, Nick?

Last time we chatted,

you were talking about
marketing some kind

of a, slot machine for the home.

Oh yeah, "Flush and Win."

It was a great idea.

The only problem is that
people had a difficult time

retrieving their change.

Yeah, but I'm onto
something very big now.

And this is an opportunity for
me to include you, my friends,

in this future affluence.

Well, you know how I
hate to be apart from Vera...

Wait, wait, sit,
sit, hear me out.

I know I've had some
crazy schemes in the past,

but this is then and that
was then and this is now.

This is completely legit.

I have an opportunity, to
purchase, an orangutan act.

Did he say "purchase" or "join"?

Just need a couple of backers.

Hear this: three apes,

some banana oil,

and a broad that's
had all her shots.

Nicky, we missed you, lad.

Hey, uh, Nick,

if you want somebody
to invest in that,

uh, act of yours
there, for Vegas,

you ought to go talk
to blondie over there.

Yeah, she's loaded.

Thank you.

Listen, you come to
Vegas, you're comped.

Excuse me, young man.

Hello Miss. I'm Nick Tortelli.

Hello. I'm Kelly Boyd.

I can tell by your organda

that you have taste
and discernment.

Thank you.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Opportunity.

Opportunity who?

This is gonna take some time.

People, people,
it's getting late.

Now no one admires the
sight of a beautiful young bride

more than I, but the lunch
rush is the lunch rush.

Say John, I, I bet you'd like
to meet Carla's first husband.

Oh, my God!

Nice to meet you. Please.

My profession requires
that I handle food.

Daddy, this is my fiancé, Pat.

Nice to meet you, sir.

Aw, enough of the chit-chat.

Step into my office.

How do you propose to,
uh, support my progeny?

Well, I'm a retired
police officer

and currently
living off disability.

What is the nature
of your injury?

Whiplash.

Very good,
difficult to disprove.

Very bright.

Thank you, sir.

Bright enough to invest?

Pardon me?

Bright enough to
place your future

and the future of
your entire progeny

in the orangutan act?

Come on, Carla, don't do this.

He has no right to be here.

I raised those kids.

He just split.

Yeah, I, I know that.

I made all the sacrifices.

I had to bear all the
burden, he did nothing.

Nothing. Well, what are you
gonna do, you know, the guy's here?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Sam, those kids
are all I got, okay?

I know.

They're all that matters to me.

He doesn't care about that.

He doesn't care who he hurts.

Yeah, but...

Sam, Sam could
you hurry it up a bit?

Captain Gus has just played
the polka version of "Hava Nagila."

He's managed to
insult two cultures.

I'm not, I'm not
doing any good here.

Please, please
talk to her, will you?

All right, Sam.

Uh, Carla, look, I know
what you're going through.

I mean, you've sacrificed
your whole life for your kids

and now, on the big day,

Nick swoops in and
tries to hog all the glory.

Look, it happens all the time.

One parent uses the child
as leverage against the other.

Really, Doc? Oh yes, yes.

Often in a broken marriage
the child becomes nothing more

than, a helpless pawn in the
war between the two adults.

Of course that hasn't happened
with, with Lilith and myself

because she's gone.

But, uh, she'll be back.

Oh, I know she'll be
back, you know why?

'Cause I have Frederick.

Yes, sir,

he's my little trump card.

Thank you very much.

He is, you know.

I have a plan.

You're Nick, right?

Yes.

I'm Rebecca Howe.

I work here in
the bar with Carla.

And I just want to say
you must be very proud.

Oh I'm very proud. Yes.

I know the last thing
that I would want to do

is introduce a dark note,

but if you don't get your hand
off my butt, you're gonna lose it.

Sammy, how'd it go in there?

Oh, not good.

She refuses to come
out. I don't know...

Don't worry about
it, Sam. I'll handle it.

Carla, at times, can
be very obdurate.

She also can be
very recalcitrant,

intransigent and immovable.

Nicky got one of those
word-a-day calendars.

We played word games
all the way from Las Vegas.

I'm insipid.

Carla. Go home, Nick.

You don't deserve to be here.

Carla, listen, I, I understand
your feelings very well.

I know some people probably
thought I was a bad father

and maybe I was and maybe
I wasn't, and maybe I was.

I speak to you from the
bottom of my heart and guts,

that these last few
years without family

has been very empty for me.

All I've had is Loretta.

No offense.

None taken.

I've come to learn that the
most important thing is family.

Yeah, I know, I
come at this late date

for Serafina's wedding,

but I thought it
would be a first step,

in realigning myself
with my offspring

and them becoming
truly a paternity figure.

So you want to be a father.

You want to get back
in your kids' lives, huh?

Absolutely.

Come over here.

Let's go.

Over here we have...

ten kids.

Some of them are yours.

Identify three,
and you can stay.

Otherwise you're out of here.

Is this a test?

You're stalling.

Give me some time to
gather my momentum.

So, Miss Howe,
we've got five minutes.

You want to tear one off?

That's mine!

Okay, that's one.

Hugo, my beloved.

Hugo.

Sorry, Nick,
that's not your kid.

You know you
people could help me.

I wouldn't be much good.

I thought your last
selection was correct.

Uh, I think it's about time.

Let's start the ceremony.

Oh, that's Serafina.
She's one of mine.

Aw, forget it Nick.

Let's face it,
you can't do this.

Aw... Loretta. Hit the road.

Go on, kids, go on upstairs
and get ready for the ceremony.

Come on, let's go.

What's happening?

Your mother doesn't
feel I belong here.

She says I'm unwelcome.

Mother, you can't
send Daddy away

on the most important
day of my life.

Listen, Serafina, you've
gotta understand...

No, this is not about you.

It's about me... My
wedding, my day.

Have a nice life, baby.

Wait one minute, Daddy.

Look, Ma, I know all the
things you've done for me.

I know you don't like Daddy,

but like him or
not, he is my dad.

I know he's been a bad father...

Never around when you need him,

a louse, a jerk,

a liar, a deadbeat.

You tell her, honey.

You know, all my life
I've always pictured

that someday I would
walk down the aisle

on my father's arm,
just like any other girl.

Not like every
other girl, Serafina.

My father wasn't
there to give me away.

And how'd that
make you feel, Mom?

Pretty rotten.

Sayonara, Serafina.

Oh wait, Nick.

You can stay.

Really? Thanks, Mom.

Look, you, listen...

You do anything to ruin my
lovely daughter's wedding,

and I will choke you
until your eyes bug out.

It's just like The Waltons.

♪ What are you doing
the rest of your life? ♪

♪ North and south and
east and west of your life? ♪

♪ I have only one
request of your life... ♪

Carla, look at
our kid out there.

She's pregnant,
married to a retired cop.

We must have
done something right.

Yeah.

Maybe our other kids
will turn out okay, too.

That is my most fervent wish.

Cheers.

Oh, just a second.

Mr. Tortelli, it's for you.

For me?

Hello.

What?

What? When?

All right, I'll be on it!

Loretta, let's go!

What's the matter?

One of the orangutans
went nuts and bit a kid.

I've got to rush to Vegas
before they put him to sleep.

The orangutan or the kid?

I didn't ask.

Thanks again for
everything, Mom.

I'm happy.

Serafina, I really
want to apologize

for the way I acted
this afternoon.

And I promise I'll be on my best
behavior at your next wedding.

Oh, Ma.