Cheers (1982–1993): Season 11, Episode 13 - Norm's Big Audit - full transcript

What?! An IRS audit?

Next time on Cheers...

I got phony receipts, I
got a postdated diary,

I got fake mileage logs.

Normie thinks he
can beat the 1040 rap.

That's until he meets...

Dot Carroll, IRS.

Now there's only one
way out of this mess...

This meeting is over...

and one way only. Stud!

Next time on Cheers.



I'll make this short and sweet.

When I say "go," you
tear off my clothes,

and you can't use your hands.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

This particular kind of granite

comes from Barre, Vermont.

Get out... Barre? Yeah.

Yeah, you can take a tour

of their whole
operation up there.

Yeah? Yeah, ask
for a guy named Asa.

Yeah? Yeah, you
can tell him I sent you.

He'll, uh... he'll do you right.

He'll set me up? Oh, sure.

You see, it's got the, uh...



Excuse me, sir?

Hey, hey, yo. Sir.

This man obviously
mistook the uniform

of the United
States Postal Service

for one of the common
valet there, Norm.

Now that you mention it, Cliff,

you know... Mistake
or not, though, the man

has entrusted a
valuable possession

to one who proudly
wears this uniform.

As long as that man
is in that restaurant,

I-I cannot shirk
the responsibility

he has laid upon
these shoulders.

What are you gonna
do, just hang here

for a couple hours
while the guy eats?

Norm, my friend,
this is a Jaguar.

Jaguar plus postman equals...

adventure.

Let's do it.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Hey, Cliffie, what you doing?

I'm filling out an application

for the Boston Marathon.

It's, uh, something
I do every year.

Wait a minute, you run
in the Boston Marathon?

No, no, I just get
the free T-shirt.

It, uh, impresses the
girls down at the gym.

Ah.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
you-you work out in a gym?

Well, no, I just hang out

in front with the T-shirt.

Oh.

Hey, listen to this.

According to the TV Guide,

they're playing an
old Red Sox game

on Play Ball later.

What is Play Ball?

Well, it's, uh, this
show on channel 58.

They replay classic
Red Sox games.

Hey, say, listen, Sam?

This is one of your games.

Yeah, July 14, 1975,
relief pitcher, Sam Malone.

Hey, Sammy, what do you say

we make an
evening out of it, huh?

Yeah, popcorn, pretzels, beer.

Gather around the old TV set.

All right, sounds like
a nice change of pace.

Yeah.

Yeah, what the hell?

That sounds like a nice idea.

Say, honey,

can you do me a favor?

Can you hand me the, uh,

baseball almanac under the bar?

Uh, I was drinking a
lot back in those days,

and there's something
about 1975 I don't remember.

What's that?

The summer part.

I-I-I don't want
them seeing a game

where I embarrass myself.

All right, here we go.

July... July 14, '75.

Red Sox versus the Orioles.

Red Sox won.

Oh, right.

I pitched three innings.

I must have been okay that day.

Good. Yeah.

All right, fellas.

Yeah, let's have a party here, huh?
- All right!

Finally, you're gonna see
why Sammy's so famous.

Actually, uh, we
don't get the channel

that shows why
Sammy's so famous.

Cheers.

Oh, hi, Vera.

Uh, no, Vera, I'm
sorry, Norm's not here.

Can I take a...

It's an emergency?

All right, all right.

Whoa, you're not
gonna believe this, Vera,

but Norm just walked in.

Hello, everybody.

Norm!

Why, hello, Mr. Peterson.

Hi, honey.

What's the problem?

What, an IRS audit?

No, it can't be this afternoon.

They've got to give you
at least three, four notices.

This is the fourth notice?

All right, all...

look, don't worry about it.

Don't... listen,

as long as you're
checking the mail,

uh, could you check
to see if the, uh,

Victoria's Secret
catalogue came in?

It did? Good, good.

Just... just hold onto it, okay?

And for God sakes,
don't order anything.

Hey, Norm, what are you doing?

Just getting prepared.

I'm gonna bury this
auditor in paperwork.

I got phony receipts.

I got a postdated diary.

I got fake mileage
logs, the works.

Why are you meeting
the auditor here?

Old trick, Rebecca: you meet
the enemy on your own turf.

Yeah, well, that's very smart
there, Normie, very smart.

Hey, let me give
you another hint.

Keep the authority figure
on your own eye level.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah,
it intimidates them.

Really? Oh, yeah, sure.

You know, whenever I
get stopped by a policeman,

I get out of the car
and face him eye to eye.

Hey, you know, that's
good thinking, Clavin.

And you know,
another good thing to do

is reach into your vest
pocket real sudden like.

Give the cop a good start.

That way, he won't
push you around.

Ah, well, thank you
very much, Carla.

Just planting the seed.

Take a look at all this stuff.

Just take a look
at all this stuff.

When she sees this,
she's gonna crumble.

Did you say "she"?

Yeah.

What are you worried about?

What do you mean?

All you got to do is
flirt with her a little.

Right, flirt... me?

Yeah. Come on.

I haven't flirted with a
woman since I met Vera.

Actually, I think she killed
the part of me that flirts.

Come on, I mean, you can do it.

You compliment her a little.

You sweet-talk her.

Before you know it,
she's putty in your hands.

Yeah, right.

Would you flirt
with an IRS agent?

I do it with the tollbooth guy.

I'm looking for Norm Peterson.

And you are?

Dot Carroll, IRS.

Oh.

He's right over
there on the corner.

Ouch.

Ah, Ms. Carroll,

I've been looking
forward to meeting you.

After all, I'm an
accountant myself.

And I should be interested
in that because...?

No reason.

No reason at all.

Is there someplace we can talk?

Yes, uh, the office there, uh...

I think you'll find that
everything's in perfect order.

It better be.

I just spent two hours
with some horse's ass

who tried to play the old
fake receipts and diary on me.

Can you believe it?

Ouch.

Okay, fellas,
bring it on in here.

Put it over there

under the other
television, all right?

And plug it in for me.

What's with the big screen?

Oh, some channel is playing

one of Sam's baseball
triumphs tonight.

Here, see for yourself.

Uh-huh.

Sammy, can I talk
to you for a minute?

You betcha.

You know, about this
game that's on tonight...

Uh-huh. Do you
remember what happened?

Yeah, I won.

Hey, Sam, this was
in your drinking days.

I mean, this is the
game where you thought

the Orioles' mascot
was a huge mutant bird.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, remember? Oh...

Yeah, you threw
a fastball at him.

You hit him right
between the eyes

and gave him a concussion.

Well, what would you do

if you saw this gigantic
bird coming at you?

Would you just let it attack you

and peck your eyes out?

Come on, it took you
three years to live it down.

I mean, you really
want these guys

seeing it all over again?

Shh... shh...

Sammy, all set for the
big game tonight, huh?

Hey, all right.

A big screen TV.

Hey, Sammy, we
ordered a bunch of pizzas.

Say, uh, fellas, hey, listen,

you-you-you don't want to watch

that silly old game, do you?

Let's see what
else is on at 8:30.

Hey, here you go, look at this.

Magilla Gorilla, huh?

Come on!

$500 to have your nails wrapped?

Yeah.

Yeah, I have a very
low calcium count.

According to these receipts,

you had a lot of business
dinners with a C. Clavin.

Yeah, he's a, um, very
important business client.

I constantly have to
wine and dine the guy.

Well, I certainly hope he
enjoyed his three Whoppers.

I believe he did, yes.

Mr. Peterson,
about this work diary

from 1989... Yeah.

I'd be willing to
bet that if I took this

to my office for an
analysis, they would discover

that the ink is not more
than 30 minutes old.

So what, you're gonna
try to penalize me

for copying it
over for neatness?

Mr. Peterson... Yeah?

As an accountant, I'm sure
you're aware that the penalty

for defrauding the United States
government is imprisonment.

This conversation
just took a left turn.

Fake receipts, phony diary.

Mr. Peterson, you
are in very big trouble.

I can't believe I'm hearing this

from someone... as...

doggone it, as...

as, uh, as lovely as yourself.

What the hell is that
supposed to mean?

Come on, just...
take a look at you.

You've got the...
sculpted cheekbones,

those smoldering eyes,

a voice any man
could get lost in.

You're not giving yourself

enough credit, Miss Carroll.

I mean, surely I'm
not the first man

who's ever said
these things to you.

I think I know what's
going on here, Mr. Peterson.

What?

I wasn't born yesterday.

I know when someone's
making a pass at me.

And let me tell
you this, buster,

you're coming on to an official

of the United States government,

an auditor for the
Internal Revenue Service.

This meeting is over...

stud!

We'll continue this
audit in my hotel room.

Ritz Carlton, room 147.

Meet me there tonight.

And P.S.,

I play rough.

I tell you, as far
as I'm concerned,

you got it made in the
shade with this IRS chick.

Hey, not only do
you get out of jail free,

but, uh, you get a
little action on the side.

High five!

Nobody. Okay.

Well, Miss Ann Landers,

are you happy?

I took your advice... I
flirted with the woman.

Now she wants to sleep with me.

What do you suggest now?

I suggest you
keep the lights off.

Thank you.

Well, I say, sauce
for the goose.

At last a male is being
sexually harassed.

Let this be a lesson to us.

I mean, how many of us have,
in our lives, in some small way,

depersonalized a member
of the opposite sex?

Whoa, mangos... two for a buck!

You see? That's exactly the kind

of boorish behavior
I'm talking about!

Hey, Sam, how's
it going back there?

Uh, fine.

All I got to do is
undo these two wires,

and the fellows will
never see the game.

Sam, are you okay?

I just remembered.

I fought in the Civil War.

Hey, you know, I think
you busted the TV.

Wow!

What happened?

Oh! Yeah, uh, I'm sorry, fellas.

I was, uh, I was, you know,
trying to make the color

just right on the
TV for the big game,

and, uh, something blew.

Ah, Sammy.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, guys.

But, hey, don't worry about it.

They're-They're
bound to show it again.

It was a hell of a game.

I was pretty good
in it, too, fellas.

Don't worry, Sammy.

We'll watch it on
the regular TV.

No, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Tim, actually, put that
down, put that down.

Uh, forgot to tell you, fellas,

that, uh, I was working
on that TV earlier,

trying to get the color
just right for the game,

and, uh, damnedest
thing, it-it blew.

It blew as well as
the big screen there.

Uh, I guess we're just not meant
to see this game, huh, fellas?

It's okay, Sammy.

We can, uh, see it
on my little Watchman.

Where did that thing
come from, Paul?

I take it with me everywhere.

You know, you can,
uh, run it on batteries,

or I plug it in the, uh,
cigarette lighter in my car.

Paul, you watch TV in the car?

I don't like to miss my stories.

Can I see that?

Oh!

Look at that.

I'll be damned. That's a beauty.

I guess you just...

Oh.

Hey.

I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry.

Uh, Paul, I'll-I'll replace it.

It's $300.

No, I meant the beer, Paul.

Sam, Sam, your behavior leads me

to one of two conclusions:

You're trying to keep us
from seeing that game;

You've just suffered a small
cerebrovascular accident.

What the hell is
going on here, Sam?

All right, I'll...

I'm sorry, fellas.

It's just...

I don't want you
to see the game.

I made a real
idiot out of myself.

I was, I was drunk that
night when I was pitching,

and, well, I kind of got mad

at the Oriole mascot and...

well, I skulled him.

Sammy, now, are-are
you talking about

that-that big stupid bird

that used to dance around
on top of the dugout?

A-Actually, Alan, it turns out

that's a man in
a bird's costume.

See, I just, uh...

well, I-I'm real
embarrassed about it,

and it'd mean a lot to me if
you guys didn't watch the game.

I-I-I don't want to be
remembered like that.

We understand, Sam.

Yeah, Sammy, all you had
to do was say something.

It's okay, Sam, really.

Ah, hey, thanks a lot, guys.

That-That means a lot to me.

Thank you.

Uh, Carla, give these
guys a drink on the house.

Thanks a lot, fellas.

Thanks, Sammy!

Thanks a lot. That's great.

Looky here.

Hey, Paul, you got two of those?

Yeah, I always keep one charged.

So, Norm, decide
what you're gonna do?

I know one thing's for sure.

I can't just sleep
with some woman

so she'll go easier
on my tax audit.

You know, uh, Norm,

I've known you for a long
time, and I consider you a friend.

Yeah.

And I, uh, just want you to
know that I got connections.

Might be able to make
it a little easier for you.

You mean people in the IRS?

No, prison.

Right.

Thanks a lot.

Of course, if I tell this woman

that I'm not really
that attracted to her,

she'll get so angry, I
will wind up in prison.

Well, relax, Norm.

I've been brainstorming,
and I've come up with a plan.

Yeah? Yeah.

I'm desperate;
I'll try anything.

Come on.

All right, tell you
what, here's the plan.

Uh-huh. I go to the
hotel in your place, right?

I reach in, flick
off the lights,

say "Room service
for Dot Carroll."

In the meantime, I've got a
big bag full of wild squirrels

with sparklers
attached to their tails.

I drop them in the room.

They run around terrified,

setting off the alarms
and the sprinklers.

Okay? In the ensuing hubbub,

she forgets all about
her little date with you.

Trust me.

You think a cold
shower's a mood killer?

Try a bag of wild squirrels.

Thanks, Cliff, but, uh, you
don't have to go to the trouble.

That's all right; I
already got the squirrels.

Thank you, but no.

Okay, okay.

Hey, Norm, I got an idea.

What?

Why don't I just pick up
the phone and call Vera

and tell her what's going on?

Now, listen.

She'll run over
to the Ritz Carlton

and burst into the room
before anything can happen.

This way, Dot can't get angry
at you, and you'll be off the hook.

Yeah, yeah.

Then Dot tells Vera
how I came on to her.

Either way, I spend the next
ten years sleeping on a cot.

Well, Norm, you could get, uh,
someone to impersonate Vera.

Well, thanks, Fras, but I doubt

that Ed Asner has time to
hop on a plane to Boston.

Well, I was thinking more

along the lines of,
uh, a friend in the bar.

Oh.

Come on, Carla.

This was your idea in
the first place. Oh, no.

What do you say you
help me out? Come on.

Oh, and why should I?

You haven't left
me a tip in 15 years.

Frankly, I never felt the
service was all that great.

Come on, are you gonna
help me or aren't you?

Forget about it!

All right, fine.

Fine. I'm on my own.

I'll just go over to the hotel
and throw myself at her mercy.

I'll plead with the woman.

I'll beg her.

I'll say how wrong it is for
her to force me to do this.

What the hell, it worked
for me on my wedding night.

I'll make this short and sweet.

When I say "go," you
tear off my clothes,

and you can't use your hands.

Well, hell, come on in.

Enough foreplay.

Let's be sheet meat.

Did I tell you that
I was married?

Congratulations.

Let's celebrate
with a roll in the hay.

Listen, there were
some things I said to you

this afternoon
that I-I really...

Don't worry.

I'll be gentle.

Drop trou on three.

One, two...

Who the hell's that?

I'll get it, I'll
get it, I'll get it.

It's me, Vera, your wife!

What are you doing
in there, Norm?!

You better not have
a woman in there!

Honey, honey.

Vera, now, now, now, calm down.

Calm down, honey, calm down.

Dot, I am so sorry.

How could you?!

I couldn't help myself.

How could you?

Let me put your mind
at rest, Mrs. Peterson.

Nothing happened.

Oh, thank God.

Well, I guess that's it.

We'd better go. Yeah.

Hey!

Aren't you a
waitress at that bar?

What?

I don't believe for a second

that you two are man and wife.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I'm Vera Peterson, Norm's wife.

Okay, if you two are
so happily married,

let's see a big,
open-mouthed, sloppy kiss.

Right now.

We don't have to do that.

That's right.

That's for the
privacy of our boudoir.

If I don't see some evidence
of your happy marriage,

I'm gonna go through your
receipts with a fine-tooth comb.

Honey?

I'm sorry, Norm.
You're gonna fry.

Okay, Peterson, what's going on?

All right, Dot.

All right, I'm gonna
be honest with you.

That wasn't my wife.

My wife is probably home in bed.

The truth is, Dot, I'm
not a very good husband.

I hardly spend any
time at all with Vera.

We never talk.

I don't know her birthday.

I don't know when
our anniversary is.

But I don't cheat on her.

Now, that may not
sound like much to you,

but to me, it's the
difference between

being a bad husband
and being a bad person.

So, go ahead, d-do your worst.

Throw the book at me.

I should've known.

I scared you away, didn't I?

I'm always scaring men away.

What is it about me?!

Don't just stand
there, tell me! Uh...

You could lighten up a bit.

I mean, you do come
on sort of strong.

And while we're at it,

you could cut back to
three or four packs a day.

I do it to stay thin.

Want one?

All right, this isn't
about me, okay?

Oh, I guess I'm just
not used to somebody

saying nice things to me.

Well, I could start right now.

All right?

I believe that underneath
that gruff exterior,

you're probably a very
nice, warm, caring person.

Okay? And I say
that knowing that

you're probably
gonna throw me in jail.

You're not going to jail, Norm.

I wouldn't throw a
decent man like you in jail.

Thank you, Dot.

Better head back to, uh, Cheers.

Um, you want to stay
here and talk a while?

I probably shouldn't.

Got a minibar.

Well, if you need a friend.

That'd be nice, just
you and me, talking.

Room service for Dot Carroll.