Cheers (1982–1993): Season 10, Episode 9 - Head Over Hill - full transcript
Cliff's taken for a wild horse ride when he participates in a commemoration.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
(phone rings)
Cheers.
Uh, hang on a
second, I'll check.
Yeah, the
refrigerator's running.
Thank you for asking.
What?
(chuckles)
How could it possibly get away?
No, a refrigerator doesn't
have the power of movement.
Well, yeah, sure,
I get it, but see,
running... the way you're using
it... c-can only mean working.
See, it's a... It's what
we call a homonym.
I'm sorry, too.
Boy, Mr. Peterson, some people.
(whistles)
Well, you tried to
explain the joke.
That's the problem.
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Hey, uh, Dr. Crane,
after you're done with
that paper, can I have it?
Well, actually, I planned
on saving it, Woody.
See, there's an article here
on the ins and out
of buying diamonds
and I was thinking of
buying Lilith a brooch.
Oh, okay, uh... see, I was
wanting to clip the coupons
'cause I'm trying to make
it to my next paycheck,
but, uh, I don't want
to cut up your article
on jewels and diamonds.
Here's the paper, Woody.
You know, Lilith and
I are actually making
some economic
concessions as well.
Well, for instance, I decided
not to buy that new BMW.
Really?
That's right.
So, uh, what are
the coupons for?
Food.
You know what?
I'm going to stop talking now.
Top of the morning to you.
So, uh, how do you like
my outfit there, Norm?
Cliff,
you're my friend.
I haven't judged you in the past
and I'm not going to start now.
Hey, uh, listen up, everybody.
I've got an announcement
to make here.
Yours truly has been selected
by the USPS for a reenactment
of the first mail delivery down
the venerable Boston Post Road.
Yeah, I'm going to
be, uh, riding a horse
on the last leg from
Hingham to the Central P.O.
(chuckling): Yeah, that's
why I'm dressed this way.
What way?
Oh, you know, this,
this crazy looking outfit.
Boy, are you
splitting hairs today.
Cliffie, Cliff, you
can't ride a horse.
You're afraid of horses.
How do you know?
I know you're afraid
of that little carousel
in front of the market.
That was a safety concern, Norm.
Is that why you were screaming,
"Stop, stop, we're
all going to die"?
I was concerned
about the kids, Norm.
Is that so wrong?
Boy, Cliff, I am so jealous.
I used to love horses.
You know, when
I was a little girl,
every weekend I
would ride my pony,
an-an-and I would feed
my pony sugar cubes
and little bits of chocolate
and, and Snickers.
They really like that.
And sometimes I would
give my pony some Snickers,
and then I would
eat some Snickers.
And then other times I
would eat all the sugar cubes
and the chocolate
and the Snickers
before I ever got to the stable.
And then one time my
riding instructor told me
I couldn't ride my pony anymore.
Why, Miss Howe?
Well, he said that
I had... outgrown it.
I don't want to talk
about this anymore.
CLIFF: Well, I hope you'll
all, uh, tune in tonight.
Uh, the, uh, local news
is going to show
my triumphant ride
to the post office.
(chuckling): Yeah,
it's a big moment
for me.
Yeah, it's, it's a high
point of my career.
No, it's a high point
of my entire life.
Hey, why's Cliffie
dressed like that?
I forget.
(sing-songy): Sa-am.
What are you doing
down here, Hill?
Hair Club For Men meeting?
Oh, I didn't see you
down there, Miss Tortelli.
Although frankly you do...
(sniffs)
announce your presence.
So, have you decided what color
you're going to dye
your head for Easter?
Why don't you just
scuttle under the office door
and get Sam?
Sam, Hill's here!
Don't tell me.
Pizza for lunch?
Hi, John.
What's up?
Sa-am, we have a problem.
You know,
I got to be honest
with you, John.
The way you pronounce
my name really bugs me.
How would you like
me to pronounce it?
Sam, just Sam.
You try it.
Sa-am...
All right, John, uh...
what would you say if you were
going to order a ham sandwich?
I don't eat ha-am.
Never mind.
What, what do you want?
My busboy informs me
that the Dumpsters are full.
Our Dumpsters are full.
What's the big problem?
Aha!
They are not our Dumpsters.
They are my Dumpsters.
If that's confusing,
perhaps I'll have a
likeness of your face
painted on the Dumpster with
a bold line drawn through it.
In fact, I'll do that
anyway... just for a giggle.
Perhaps I'll have
buttons made up.
I'll make it a whole thing.
Hey, Hill, you can't
order us around like that.
Sammy can do anything
he wants with his trash.
Yes, I see today he's
dressed it up in an apron.
I guess you know all
about dressing up, huh, Hill?
Sam, if any more of your refuse
is deposited in my Dumpsters,
I'll have them emptied
in the center of this bar,
and if it happens again,
I'll do something your
customers will notice.
Can you believe that guy?
Him and his niggling
little nit-picking details.
I mean, who cares
if I stick stuff in
his Dumpster?
Actually, Sammy,
you know, Dumpsters
are kind of expensive
to maintain and empty.
He's been kind of generous
to let you use them for so long.
After all, the guy's
running a business.
Good point, Norm, good point.
Speaking of business,
w-w-what do you think
we ought to do about, uh,
your bar tab here, hmm?
We could throw it
in our Dumpsters.
Hey, Miss Howe, Mr. Hill
put a lock on the Dumpster.
What should I do with this?
Well, just set it
down someplace.
All right.
Cliffie, you want to, uh, pass
me the sports page, please?
Mr. Peterson, that's
just a bag of garbage
you're talking to.
Come here, Woody.
Maybe if we all
cut Cliff a little bit
of slack, he wouldn't be
such a "bag of garbage,"
as you put it, okay?
Do you believe that guy?
He stuck a padlock
on our Dumpsters.
You know, just once, just once
I would like to do something
to really stick it to him.
Sammy, forget about it.
You'll never beat that guy.
Hmm, you're right.
Who am I kidding?
I'm no match for that guy.
He's too evil.
What am I thinking? Wha...?!
All this time, there's
somebody in this bar
who's so mean, so
nasty, so full of hate
that they could take
on Hill in one second.
Well, I don't know, Sam,
I'm kind of busy right now.
What about Carla?
She can be pretty mean.
Good idea, Woody, good idea.
Carla, come here,
I got a job for you.
Yeah, what do you want me to do?
I want you to get even for me.
I want you to take all your
meanness, all your nastiness,
and unleash it on that...
knobby-headed
weasel John Allen Hill.
You want I should make him cry?
Yeah.
That's perfect.
Yeah, make the little man cry.
Yeah!
Consider it done.
Yeah, right, now, how are
you going to make him cry?
You don't think I can
make somebody cry?
No, actually, I don't.
Maybe you're right.
Uh, say, Rebecca.
Mm-hmm? When you were
a little girl, why did you
stop riding that pony?
Was it because you got too fat?
Just too damned fat?
So damned fat you
broke the back of a horse?
What's the matter, Becks?
Your eyes seem a little shiny.
(quavering): It's just
an allergy or something.
(sobbing): If anybody
needs me, I'll be in my office.
You know, I really
like Cheetos, but, uh...
Orange fingers?
I hate that, too.
At home I use a great big spoon.
I'll try that.
What's this?
Oh, that's a flier that
Mr. Clavin wanted me
to pass around to the customers.
Well, why didn't you?
Because it's a flier that
Mr. Clavin wanted me
to pass around to the customers.
We've had trouble
in that area before.
"Tune in tonight
"to catch letter carrier
Cliff Clavin recreate
"the historic
first mail delivery
on the Boston Post Road."
(chuckles)
"This is a proud moment
for Cliff Clavin and
every American."
Hey, it's right now.
Let's tune in.
Oh, this is a great
Barnaby Jones, though.
This is the one where he
goes undercover as a swinger
to solve a jewel heist.
Well, we'll, uh,
flip back and forth.
All right.
ANNOUNCER: The crowd here
at the Central Post Office is waiting
for letter carrier
Clifford Clavin,
who we understand is an
award-winning equestrian.
Mr. Clavin seems
to be running late
and his whereabouts
are currently unknown.
In other news...
Ooh, I hope everything's
okay with Cliffie.
So, uh, Barnaby's a
swinger? Ha, wait till
you see him. He wears hip-huggers,
gold chains, platform shoes.
(phone ringing)
Cheers.
Oh, yeah, hang
on, just a second.
Hey, Mr. Peterson,
it's Mr. Clavin.
Cliffie, where are you?
I don't know, Norm,
somewhere in the combat zone.
Naked! Naked! Naked!
Hey, Norm, you got
to come and get me.
This horse has got
a mind of its own.
(horn honks, horse neighs) Whoa!
(tires screech)
Man... Cliffie's in trouble.
I better go look for him.
Shoot, they never
rerun this episode.
I don't think I've seen
the ending of this one.
The jewels are
in the dog's collar.
Oh. Thank you, Phil.
Gee, Carla, you
were up there with Hill
a long time. What happened?
I don't want to talk about it.
Hey, what did you say to him?
Just shut up and get
out of my way, you stupid,
dirt-eating farm boy!
Ouch! I'd hate to be on
the receiving end of that.
(sighs)
What is going on?
In this bar? I don't ask.
(grunts)
Now, apparently you're
upset over something.
(grunts)
Or not, I don't
know you that well.
Carla, now just, just
relax and try to breathe.
Just breathe.
(deep breaths)
All right, now is it
out of your system?
All right, now talk to us.
(screams) No, Carla!
Carla! (grunting)
Carla, what has gotten into you?
First of all, you
have to promise
to never repeat this to anybody.
I swear. That goes
without saying.
Okay. I just did a really,
really, really bad thing.
When I was up there with Hill,
I just kind of lost control.
(gasps): You didn't break
something really expensive, did you?
Oh, no, worse than that.
Did you hurt him? Worse.
Oh, no, did he have a
heart attack? No, worse.
Oh, he's dead?!
Oh, you guys! You don't get it!
I didn't kill him.
I slept with him.
Yikes.
You had sex with Hill?
John Allen Hill?
Upstairs John Allen Hill?
It was so crazy.
I marched into his office
and I started calling
him bald and wrinkled.
And he started calling
me short and ugly.
And before I knew
it, our clothes were off
and we were insulting each other
against the filing cabinet.
But Carla, I mean
he is, he's a...
You know what I call him?
The Bullet.
Carla, I, I believe I
understand what happened.
You two have a classic
attraction/repulsion
relationship.
It's really a fairly
common phenomenon.
People who are constantly
at odds with one another
very often have rivers of
passion raging between them
until one day the banks overflow
in a torrent of unthinking,
unreasonable emotion.
Plus the guy's
practically a contortionist.
I can't believe I did this.
I betrayed Sam.
I went up there
to take on his worst enemy,
and I ended up having
a nooner with him.
Oh, I just hope Sammy
doesn't find out about this.
Oh, Carla, you're going
to have to face
Sam sooner or later.
He's bound to find out.
Yeah, Lilith's right.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Okay. Well, I'll just
catch Sam tonight
when nobody else is around
and I'll tell him the truth.
I'll tell him that what happened
with Hill was a one-time thing
and it'll never happen again.
Unless...
I accidentally catch
a glimpse of those
wiry, bantam legs of his.
Evening, everybody.
ALL: Norm!
Hey, Mr. P.
How goes the
search for Mr. Clavin?
Not as well as the
search for Mr. Doughnut.
I found him every
couple of blocks.
(sighs)
Poor Mr. Clavin.
Who knows what happened to him.
I'm kind of worried
about him, really.
Why don't you give me the phone?
I'll check the hospitals
or something, shouldn't I?
Uh, Mass General?
Hey, Normie, I got dish.
I'll call you back.
It's about Carla
and that Hill upstairs.
Yeah? Spill it. What?
(whispers)
Eeww!
Frasier, Frasier,
did you hear about
Carla and Hill?
Did I hear? Who do
you think told Paul?
Wow, Carla and Hill.
I saw it coming.
You didn't have to be Kreskin.
Frasier, I cannot
believe that you revealed
what is essentially a
professional confidence.
Sweetheart, did
she pay you a dime?
No.
Then why are we
having this discussion?
What's everybody talking about?
Woody, when, uh,
Carla went upstairs
to, to see Hill
today, she, uh...
well, they...
did the deed, you
know what I mean?
I'm not following
you, Dr. Crane.
Carla and Hill,
they rocked each other's world.
They thumped.
What?
They had sex.
Carla and Hill had sex.
What?
Come on, Sam.
Even I got it that time.
Carla?
Wh...
Are you all happy now?
Your gossiping and
rumor-mongering
is resulting in a possible rift
between Carla and Sam.
Rather than allow her
the time and space
to open up to Sam
in her own good time,
you all have been behaving
like a gaggle of fishwives.
Well, hey, you
blabbed first, girl.
Sammy, I don't
know what to tell you.
I guess... all the
insults and the venom,
and the blood hatred just
kind of turned us on.
It's the old story.
Guess so.
Oh, Sammy, I let you down.
I slept with the enemy.
Please forgive me.
Please don't be angry.
No, I'm not angry.
It's just... well, the
way I see it, uh...
you let down the whole team.
It's like, you know,
bottom of the ninth,
one out, runner on first,
you're up at bat.
Coach tells you to bunt.
Team expects you to bunt,
the runner on first
expects you to bunt,
fans expect you to bunt.
But instead of bunting...
you sleep with John Allen Hill!
No! No! Hey!
Take it easy!
You're supposed to forgive me.
How can I forgive you?!
You slept with
that evil, little dwarf!
Is it my fault the guy
is such a turn-on?
Oh, stop... oh,
yuck, yuck! Oh, God!
Stop it! Stop!
I have never once said anything
about anyone you
have ever slept with!
Oh, right! What about Diane?!
Every morning you
threatened to stick
a hand grenade in her
mouth and pull the pin!
You hated her!
I disapproved of her.
Oh, come on,
Carla, you hated her!
You hate everyone!
That's not fair!
Oh, right! I'm sorry, I forgot.
You don't hate John Allen Hill!
That's it!
That's it, thanks a lot
for your forgiveness!
I'm out of here!
(groaning)
Oh, dear. (faucet running)
Sam.
What, Woody?!
You're angry, aren't you?
Yeah! I am!
You're hurt. You're down.
You're confused, aren't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I am.
Yeah. I was, too,
the first time I
made this mistake.
Just remember, the men's room
is the second door on the left.
Hey, everybody.
PAUL: Hey, Cliffie, you're back.
You deliver that
letter all right?
Yeah, it took a little doing.
But I, uh, finally delivered it.
It was three hours late.
You know, but it
turns out, that the, uh,
original letter was
three weeks late, so, uh,
I was able to shave
a little time off.
Where's Norm, Woods?
He's out looking for you.
Oh, boy. (TV switches on)
All right, I guess I'd
better go find him.
(channels switching)
Hey, look, it's that
Cannon episode
where he dresses up as a
pimp to save the runaway.
Norm's a big boy.
He can take care of himself.
Naked! Naked! Naked!
Excuse me, I'm,
uh, looking for a guy
wearing a funny
costume, riding a horse.
Try the place two doors down.
Okay.
Freak.
Naked! Naked! Naked!
(doorbell rings)
CARLA: Coming.
Coming.
Who is it?
Sam.
Hey. Hey.
How're you doing?
Fine, and you?
Fine.
So, uh, where are the kids?
How should I know?
It's only 1:30.
I, uh... I came to apologize.
I blew up.
You know, you've got
to know I didn't mean any
of that stuff. It's just...
ah, that Hill guy, man.
Something about him
just makes me act crazy.
Nah, forget it.
I forgive you.
I know you didn't
mean that stuff.
Oh, honey...
I just hope you can forgive me.
Oh, of course I can.
Come on, you don't think
I'd let that stuff get in
between us, do you?
You're my best friend.
Oh, Sammy, you're
my best friend, too.
Oh, I know what it's like.
It's probably just... one
of those things, right?
Exactly, it was just one
of those things. Yeah.
I've been thinking about this.
I'll tell you what
I'm going to do.
Tomorrow morning,
I'm going to go up,
I'm gonna talk to
Hill calmly, you know,
and ask him nicely, maybe
I could use the Dumpster
until I can buy one for myself.
I swear to God I'll
do it bright and early.
Well, not too early, Sam.
I have a feeling I
may be in a little late.
Okay, so it was just
two of those things.
a live studio audience.
(phone rings)
Cheers.
Uh, hang on a
second, I'll check.
Yeah, the
refrigerator's running.
Thank you for asking.
What?
(chuckles)
How could it possibly get away?
No, a refrigerator doesn't
have the power of movement.
Well, yeah, sure,
I get it, but see,
running... the way you're using
it... c-can only mean working.
See, it's a... It's what
we call a homonym.
I'm sorry, too.
Boy, Mr. Peterson, some people.
(whistles)
Well, you tried to
explain the joke.
That's the problem.
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Hey, uh, Dr. Crane,
after you're done with
that paper, can I have it?
Well, actually, I planned
on saving it, Woody.
See, there's an article here
on the ins and out
of buying diamonds
and I was thinking of
buying Lilith a brooch.
Oh, okay, uh... see, I was
wanting to clip the coupons
'cause I'm trying to make
it to my next paycheck,
but, uh, I don't want
to cut up your article
on jewels and diamonds.
Here's the paper, Woody.
You know, Lilith and
I are actually making
some economic
concessions as well.
Well, for instance, I decided
not to buy that new BMW.
Really?
That's right.
So, uh, what are
the coupons for?
Food.
You know what?
I'm going to stop talking now.
Top of the morning to you.
So, uh, how do you like
my outfit there, Norm?
Cliff,
you're my friend.
I haven't judged you in the past
and I'm not going to start now.
Hey, uh, listen up, everybody.
I've got an announcement
to make here.
Yours truly has been selected
by the USPS for a reenactment
of the first mail delivery down
the venerable Boston Post Road.
Yeah, I'm going to
be, uh, riding a horse
on the last leg from
Hingham to the Central P.O.
(chuckling): Yeah, that's
why I'm dressed this way.
What way?
Oh, you know, this,
this crazy looking outfit.
Boy, are you
splitting hairs today.
Cliffie, Cliff, you
can't ride a horse.
You're afraid of horses.
How do you know?
I know you're afraid
of that little carousel
in front of the market.
That was a safety concern, Norm.
Is that why you were screaming,
"Stop, stop, we're
all going to die"?
I was concerned
about the kids, Norm.
Is that so wrong?
Boy, Cliff, I am so jealous.
I used to love horses.
You know, when
I was a little girl,
every weekend I
would ride my pony,
an-an-and I would feed
my pony sugar cubes
and little bits of chocolate
and, and Snickers.
They really like that.
And sometimes I would
give my pony some Snickers,
and then I would
eat some Snickers.
And then other times I
would eat all the sugar cubes
and the chocolate
and the Snickers
before I ever got to the stable.
And then one time my
riding instructor told me
I couldn't ride my pony anymore.
Why, Miss Howe?
Well, he said that
I had... outgrown it.
I don't want to talk
about this anymore.
CLIFF: Well, I hope you'll
all, uh, tune in tonight.
Uh, the, uh, local news
is going to show
my triumphant ride
to the post office.
(chuckling): Yeah,
it's a big moment
for me.
Yeah, it's, it's a high
point of my career.
No, it's a high point
of my entire life.
Hey, why's Cliffie
dressed like that?
I forget.
(sing-songy): Sa-am.
What are you doing
down here, Hill?
Hair Club For Men meeting?
Oh, I didn't see you
down there, Miss Tortelli.
Although frankly you do...
(sniffs)
announce your presence.
So, have you decided what color
you're going to dye
your head for Easter?
Why don't you just
scuttle under the office door
and get Sam?
Sam, Hill's here!
Don't tell me.
Pizza for lunch?
Hi, John.
What's up?
Sa-am, we have a problem.
You know,
I got to be honest
with you, John.
The way you pronounce
my name really bugs me.
How would you like
me to pronounce it?
Sam, just Sam.
You try it.
Sa-am...
All right, John, uh...
what would you say if you were
going to order a ham sandwich?
I don't eat ha-am.
Never mind.
What, what do you want?
My busboy informs me
that the Dumpsters are full.
Our Dumpsters are full.
What's the big problem?
Aha!
They are not our Dumpsters.
They are my Dumpsters.
If that's confusing,
perhaps I'll have a
likeness of your face
painted on the Dumpster with
a bold line drawn through it.
In fact, I'll do that
anyway... just for a giggle.
Perhaps I'll have
buttons made up.
I'll make it a whole thing.
Hey, Hill, you can't
order us around like that.
Sammy can do anything
he wants with his trash.
Yes, I see today he's
dressed it up in an apron.
I guess you know all
about dressing up, huh, Hill?
Sam, if any more of your refuse
is deposited in my Dumpsters,
I'll have them emptied
in the center of this bar,
and if it happens again,
I'll do something your
customers will notice.
Can you believe that guy?
Him and his niggling
little nit-picking details.
I mean, who cares
if I stick stuff in
his Dumpster?
Actually, Sammy,
you know, Dumpsters
are kind of expensive
to maintain and empty.
He's been kind of generous
to let you use them for so long.
After all, the guy's
running a business.
Good point, Norm, good point.
Speaking of business,
w-w-what do you think
we ought to do about, uh,
your bar tab here, hmm?
We could throw it
in our Dumpsters.
Hey, Miss Howe, Mr. Hill
put a lock on the Dumpster.
What should I do with this?
Well, just set it
down someplace.
All right.
Cliffie, you want to, uh, pass
me the sports page, please?
Mr. Peterson, that's
just a bag of garbage
you're talking to.
Come here, Woody.
Maybe if we all
cut Cliff a little bit
of slack, he wouldn't be
such a "bag of garbage,"
as you put it, okay?
Do you believe that guy?
He stuck a padlock
on our Dumpsters.
You know, just once, just once
I would like to do something
to really stick it to him.
Sammy, forget about it.
You'll never beat that guy.
Hmm, you're right.
Who am I kidding?
I'm no match for that guy.
He's too evil.
What am I thinking? Wha...?!
All this time, there's
somebody in this bar
who's so mean, so
nasty, so full of hate
that they could take
on Hill in one second.
Well, I don't know, Sam,
I'm kind of busy right now.
What about Carla?
She can be pretty mean.
Good idea, Woody, good idea.
Carla, come here,
I got a job for you.
Yeah, what do you want me to do?
I want you to get even for me.
I want you to take all your
meanness, all your nastiness,
and unleash it on that...
knobby-headed
weasel John Allen Hill.
You want I should make him cry?
Yeah.
That's perfect.
Yeah, make the little man cry.
Yeah!
Consider it done.
Yeah, right, now, how are
you going to make him cry?
You don't think I can
make somebody cry?
No, actually, I don't.
Maybe you're right.
Uh, say, Rebecca.
Mm-hmm? When you were
a little girl, why did you
stop riding that pony?
Was it because you got too fat?
Just too damned fat?
So damned fat you
broke the back of a horse?
What's the matter, Becks?
Your eyes seem a little shiny.
(quavering): It's just
an allergy or something.
(sobbing): If anybody
needs me, I'll be in my office.
You know, I really
like Cheetos, but, uh...
Orange fingers?
I hate that, too.
At home I use a great big spoon.
I'll try that.
What's this?
Oh, that's a flier that
Mr. Clavin wanted me
to pass around to the customers.
Well, why didn't you?
Because it's a flier that
Mr. Clavin wanted me
to pass around to the customers.
We've had trouble
in that area before.
"Tune in tonight
"to catch letter carrier
Cliff Clavin recreate
"the historic
first mail delivery
on the Boston Post Road."
(chuckles)
"This is a proud moment
for Cliff Clavin and
every American."
Hey, it's right now.
Let's tune in.
Oh, this is a great
Barnaby Jones, though.
This is the one where he
goes undercover as a swinger
to solve a jewel heist.
Well, we'll, uh,
flip back and forth.
All right.
ANNOUNCER: The crowd here
at the Central Post Office is waiting
for letter carrier
Clifford Clavin,
who we understand is an
award-winning equestrian.
Mr. Clavin seems
to be running late
and his whereabouts
are currently unknown.
In other news...
Ooh, I hope everything's
okay with Cliffie.
So, uh, Barnaby's a
swinger? Ha, wait till
you see him. He wears hip-huggers,
gold chains, platform shoes.
(phone ringing)
Cheers.
Oh, yeah, hang
on, just a second.
Hey, Mr. Peterson,
it's Mr. Clavin.
Cliffie, where are you?
I don't know, Norm,
somewhere in the combat zone.
Naked! Naked! Naked!
Hey, Norm, you got
to come and get me.
This horse has got
a mind of its own.
(horn honks, horse neighs) Whoa!
(tires screech)
Man... Cliffie's in trouble.
I better go look for him.
Shoot, they never
rerun this episode.
I don't think I've seen
the ending of this one.
The jewels are
in the dog's collar.
Oh. Thank you, Phil.
Gee, Carla, you
were up there with Hill
a long time. What happened?
I don't want to talk about it.
Hey, what did you say to him?
Just shut up and get
out of my way, you stupid,
dirt-eating farm boy!
Ouch! I'd hate to be on
the receiving end of that.
(sighs)
What is going on?
In this bar? I don't ask.
(grunts)
Now, apparently you're
upset over something.
(grunts)
Or not, I don't
know you that well.
Carla, now just, just
relax and try to breathe.
Just breathe.
(deep breaths)
All right, now is it
out of your system?
All right, now talk to us.
(screams) No, Carla!
Carla! (grunting)
Carla, what has gotten into you?
First of all, you
have to promise
to never repeat this to anybody.
I swear. That goes
without saying.
Okay. I just did a really,
really, really bad thing.
When I was up there with Hill,
I just kind of lost control.
(gasps): You didn't break
something really expensive, did you?
Oh, no, worse than that.
Did you hurt him? Worse.
Oh, no, did he have a
heart attack? No, worse.
Oh, he's dead?!
Oh, you guys! You don't get it!
I didn't kill him.
I slept with him.
Yikes.
You had sex with Hill?
John Allen Hill?
Upstairs John Allen Hill?
It was so crazy.
I marched into his office
and I started calling
him bald and wrinkled.
And he started calling
me short and ugly.
And before I knew
it, our clothes were off
and we were insulting each other
against the filing cabinet.
But Carla, I mean
he is, he's a...
You know what I call him?
The Bullet.
Carla, I, I believe I
understand what happened.
You two have a classic
attraction/repulsion
relationship.
It's really a fairly
common phenomenon.
People who are constantly
at odds with one another
very often have rivers of
passion raging between them
until one day the banks overflow
in a torrent of unthinking,
unreasonable emotion.
Plus the guy's
practically a contortionist.
I can't believe I did this.
I betrayed Sam.
I went up there
to take on his worst enemy,
and I ended up having
a nooner with him.
Oh, I just hope Sammy
doesn't find out about this.
Oh, Carla, you're going
to have to face
Sam sooner or later.
He's bound to find out.
Yeah, Lilith's right.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Okay. Well, I'll just
catch Sam tonight
when nobody else is around
and I'll tell him the truth.
I'll tell him that what happened
with Hill was a one-time thing
and it'll never happen again.
Unless...
I accidentally catch
a glimpse of those
wiry, bantam legs of his.
Evening, everybody.
ALL: Norm!
Hey, Mr. P.
How goes the
search for Mr. Clavin?
Not as well as the
search for Mr. Doughnut.
I found him every
couple of blocks.
(sighs)
Poor Mr. Clavin.
Who knows what happened to him.
I'm kind of worried
about him, really.
Why don't you give me the phone?
I'll check the hospitals
or something, shouldn't I?
Uh, Mass General?
Hey, Normie, I got dish.
I'll call you back.
It's about Carla
and that Hill upstairs.
Yeah? Spill it. What?
(whispers)
Eeww!
Frasier, Frasier,
did you hear about
Carla and Hill?
Did I hear? Who do
you think told Paul?
Wow, Carla and Hill.
I saw it coming.
You didn't have to be Kreskin.
Frasier, I cannot
believe that you revealed
what is essentially a
professional confidence.
Sweetheart, did
she pay you a dime?
No.
Then why are we
having this discussion?
What's everybody talking about?
Woody, when, uh,
Carla went upstairs
to, to see Hill
today, she, uh...
well, they...
did the deed, you
know what I mean?
I'm not following
you, Dr. Crane.
Carla and Hill,
they rocked each other's world.
They thumped.
What?
They had sex.
Carla and Hill had sex.
What?
Come on, Sam.
Even I got it that time.
Carla?
Wh...
Are you all happy now?
Your gossiping and
rumor-mongering
is resulting in a possible rift
between Carla and Sam.
Rather than allow her
the time and space
to open up to Sam
in her own good time,
you all have been behaving
like a gaggle of fishwives.
Well, hey, you
blabbed first, girl.
Sammy, I don't
know what to tell you.
I guess... all the
insults and the venom,
and the blood hatred just
kind of turned us on.
It's the old story.
Guess so.
Oh, Sammy, I let you down.
I slept with the enemy.
Please forgive me.
Please don't be angry.
No, I'm not angry.
It's just... well, the
way I see it, uh...
you let down the whole team.
It's like, you know,
bottom of the ninth,
one out, runner on first,
you're up at bat.
Coach tells you to bunt.
Team expects you to bunt,
the runner on first
expects you to bunt,
fans expect you to bunt.
But instead of bunting...
you sleep with John Allen Hill!
No! No! Hey!
Take it easy!
You're supposed to forgive me.
How can I forgive you?!
You slept with
that evil, little dwarf!
Is it my fault the guy
is such a turn-on?
Oh, stop... oh,
yuck, yuck! Oh, God!
Stop it! Stop!
I have never once said anything
about anyone you
have ever slept with!
Oh, right! What about Diane?!
Every morning you
threatened to stick
a hand grenade in her
mouth and pull the pin!
You hated her!
I disapproved of her.
Oh, come on,
Carla, you hated her!
You hate everyone!
That's not fair!
Oh, right! I'm sorry, I forgot.
You don't hate John Allen Hill!
That's it!
That's it, thanks a lot
for your forgiveness!
I'm out of here!
(groaning)
Oh, dear. (faucet running)
Sam.
What, Woody?!
You're angry, aren't you?
Yeah! I am!
You're hurt. You're down.
You're confused, aren't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I am.
Yeah. I was, too,
the first time I
made this mistake.
Just remember, the men's room
is the second door on the left.
Hey, everybody.
PAUL: Hey, Cliffie, you're back.
You deliver that
letter all right?
Yeah, it took a little doing.
But I, uh, finally delivered it.
It was three hours late.
You know, but it
turns out, that the, uh,
original letter was
three weeks late, so, uh,
I was able to shave
a little time off.
Where's Norm, Woods?
He's out looking for you.
Oh, boy. (TV switches on)
All right, I guess I'd
better go find him.
(channels switching)
Hey, look, it's that
Cannon episode
where he dresses up as a
pimp to save the runaway.
Norm's a big boy.
He can take care of himself.
Naked! Naked! Naked!
Excuse me, I'm,
uh, looking for a guy
wearing a funny
costume, riding a horse.
Try the place two doors down.
Okay.
Freak.
Naked! Naked! Naked!
(doorbell rings)
CARLA: Coming.
Coming.
Who is it?
Sam.
Hey. Hey.
How're you doing?
Fine, and you?
Fine.
So, uh, where are the kids?
How should I know?
It's only 1:30.
I, uh... I came to apologize.
I blew up.
You know, you've got
to know I didn't mean any
of that stuff. It's just...
ah, that Hill guy, man.
Something about him
just makes me act crazy.
Nah, forget it.
I forgive you.
I know you didn't
mean that stuff.
Oh, honey...
I just hope you can forgive me.
Oh, of course I can.
Come on, you don't think
I'd let that stuff get in
between us, do you?
You're my best friend.
Oh, Sammy, you're
my best friend, too.
Oh, I know what it's like.
It's probably just... one
of those things, right?
Exactly, it was just one
of those things. Yeah.
I've been thinking about this.
I'll tell you what
I'm going to do.
Tomorrow morning,
I'm going to go up,
I'm gonna talk to
Hill calmly, you know,
and ask him nicely, maybe
I could use the Dumpster
until I can buy one for myself.
I swear to God I'll
do it bright and early.
Well, not too early, Sam.
I have a feeling I
may be in a little late.
Okay, so it was just
two of those things.