Cheers (1982–1993): Season 10, Episode 8 - Where Have All the Floorboards Gone? - full transcript

Cliff's brainteaser could prove to be undoing of Kevin McHale.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

(alarm chirps)

(alarm blaring)

(alarm chirps)

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This never gets old.

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(theme song begins)



♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪



Doctor Crane, can you
help me with somethin'?

Of course, Woody.

You know, uh, yesterday was mine

and Kelly's third
anniversary of goin' steady.

And, uh,

I gave her a dinky keychain,

so she goes and gives
me this $300 camera.

So, my problem is...

Say no more about it, Woody.

If I were you, I wouldn't
let Kelly's fine present

cause you any guilt.

I mean, after all, she comes

from a very
privileged background

while you're a, an
unsophisticated working man

who has nary two
dimes to rub together.

You know, these
kinds of relationships

rarely make it
through a third year.

Actually, I just wanted to know

how to work the automatic flash.

But now I just want to
go someplace and cry.

Frasier,

I've got to run.

I'm having my photograph
taken for a new I.D. badge

at the lab.

Are you gonna get
your hair done for that?

Why on earth should I?

Well, at least get the
tension on that bun checked.

I mean, if that baby
goes, we're all dead.

That hardly seems just
coming from a woman

whose hair has never
seen a greasy pot

it couldn't scrub clean.

Watch it, babe!

Ooh, I'm outta here.

Now, now, girls, girls,

there's no reason
to insult each other.

No matter how on the
nose either of you might be.

Frasier,

do you think I should
change my hair?

You're asking me?

Just a second, dear.

Uh-oh, I'm in big trouble.

If I tell her to change,

she'll assume that
I'm disappointed

with the way she looks.

On the other hand,

if I say it's fine as it is,
she'll think I don't care.

You know, Lilith,

you should do with

those raven tresses
whatever pleases you.

Because, my angel, if
you're happy, I'm happy.

You're chicken.

But happy.

For heaven sake, take a stand!

Just a second, dear.

She's goin' to the
mat on this one.

Why don't you just tell her
to get her hair changed?

Perhaps you're right.

You know, she probably wants

to change herself
in some way, but, uh,

doesn't have the
confidence to just let go.

Lilith, I think you
should restyle.

You know, to tell
the truth, there is a,

a part of me that would,

would like to see a-a little
change in your appearance.

Why?

Because you've secretly
hated the way I've looked

all these years and haven't
had the guts to tell me?

Just a second, dear.

Taxi!

That's exactly why
I never got married.

Oh, is that why, Cliff?

Yeah, that's why.

Mornin', everybody.

EVERYONE: Norm!

Hey, what's goin' on, Normie?

It's my birthday, Sammy.

Give me a beer,
stick a candle in it.

And I'll blow out my liver.

Hey, it's his birthday.

Did ya hear that? EVERYONE:
Happy birthday, Norm!

I just want the day

to come and go just
like any other day.

Uh-huh. I think
you can pull that off.

Well, Norm, you
know, despite the fact

that you don't want to
make a big fuss out of it,

we all, uh, chipped in
and got ya somethin'.

Now what is it that, uh,

you want more than
anything else in the world?

Another beer.

CLIFF: Close your
eyes there, Mr. Peterson.

Yay! Oh, guys!

Yay!

What could it be?

Let me see.

(gasps) It's a beer!

Thank you, guys.

Thank you.

Hey, I got you a very,

very special gift, my friend.

More special than a free beer?

Yeah. Come here.

Is it a keg and a snorkel?

(laughs)

Come, stand right here.

Now I know what a big fan
of the Celtics you are, so...

(knocking on door)
here's your present.

(Sam chuckles)

Kevin McHale?

Sammy, I love the guy,

but, uh, I know where to
draw the line, you know?

No, no, no, no, no, okay,

he's just deliverin'
it. Come on, Kevin.

Norm, Sammy tells me

what a big fan you
are of the team,

so on behalf of
myself and the Celtics,

I'd like you to have
this team jacket. Oh,

all ri... Thanks,
man. Happy birthday!

All right! Have a happy...

Look at this. Ah, hey.

Hey. Smile.

WOODY: Hey, whoa, whoa, smile.

(camera shutter clicks)

Sam, how do you
work the flash on this?

I got my hands full here, Woody.

Oh!

(glass shattering)

All right!

What a birthday, huh?

A free beer,

a Celtics jacket
from Kevin McHale,

and Sammy wipi"
out my bar tab. Hey,

whoa, whoa, whoa.

I didn't say anything
about wipin' out a bar tab.

Well, happy birthday to me.

Hey, Sammy? Yeah.

I came through with
that jacket for Norm.

Where's that autographed Red
Sox baseball you got for me?

Oh, right, right. I'll
be, I'll be right back.

All right.

Is it almost ready?

Yeah.

How many G's in Boggs?

Two.

Is that all?

Doesn't look right. Shh.

Hey.

All right.

Thank you, Sam. Let me use

the phone, all right?
Yeah, anytime. Anytime.

Normie? Yeah.

Even though I, uh, chipped
in for the beer with the guys,

Mm-hmm. I also got
you a little special gift.

Yeah? What's that?

Well, uh, I did some
research on the, uh,

historical significance
of birthdays.

Uncovered a lot
of interesting facts

and, uh...

I'm not gonna share 'em with ya.

Oh, Cliff, man. Happy
birthday, big guy.

Say, Kevin,

you know, uh, my birthday's
comin' up pretty soon.

Maybe you could come back
and deliver somethin' for me.

Oh, would you
like a jacket, too?

Yeah, right.

A jacket!

Well, guys, I feel like I own
a little bit of Celtic history.

Some of my fondest

memories as a boy are
going down to the Garden.

Yeah. Being in the same
building as all my heroes.

Sittin' there next to my dad

and as he ordered beer
after beer from the vendor,

sayin' to myself,

"Someday, someday."

That's great.

Ah, the Garden.

Yes, perhaps the most famous

playing surface
in all of sports.

Yep. Well, you know,

it's a little known
fact that that, uh,

parquet floor is comprised

of 240 individual
squares held down

by 2,860 bolts. Uh,

you're wrong there.

It's 2,880 bolts.

And I got that from a
member of the bull gang,

the crew that works the floor.

Well, I'm very sorry, Norm,

but my source is unimpeachable.

Yeah? Who's that?

My ma.

Why don't we
settle this right now?

I'll call the Garden
and find out, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Who're
we supposed to talk to,

the guy in charge of bolts?

We've got McHale here.

Why don't we just ask him.

Kevin? Yeah.

Uh, tell this guy how
many bolts there are

on the floor of the
Garden, please.

Well, I-I've never noticed

any bolts in that floor.

You know, come to think of it,

Bird, Parish, Auerbach,

nobody knows how many
bolts are in that floor, huh?

There's a game for ya. Yeah.

Trivia... Hey, stop, stop, stop!

Stop it! Just turn around
and run the other way!

What're you talking
about? Look, Kevin,

I'm warning you
because I love you.

Don't get caught up in
one of those conversations.

You'll end up like those guys.

They never leave those stools.

It's a disease, and
they're tryin' to hook you.

I knew this guy once

who was a
respected psychiatrist.

It's too late for him,

but you can still save yourself.

Go on. Okay, yeah, yeah,

you're... I got a
game in an hour.

Like to talk about those
bolts, you guys, but I gotta run.

(overlapping chatter)

Thank God.

Hey, I'll tell you what, though.

If you multiply the
number of bolts

by number of
squares in that thing,

you'd be able to find out
how many bolts there were.

Oh Lord, take him now.

ANNOUNCER (on TV): One
minute to go in the game. Here we go!

The Celtics still have
a chance to tie it up.

Brings the ball
up... Come on, guys.

Frasier...

I've just come from
the beauty salon.

I asked them to do something

a little different with my hair.

Then you actually
went through with it?

My darling, I'm,
I'm all anticipation.

I've never seen you out,

but with your by-now
trademark chignon.

Thus the change.

What do you think, Frasier?

It's hard to say.

(laughs)

You're laughing!

(laughing): I'm sorry, dear.

You're taking it
all the wrong way.

You see, it was just
the initial reaction

of seeing you different and...

you know, now that I
look at it again, it's...

(laughing)

Stop laughing.

You're hurting my feelings.

I'm sorry.

Your what?

No, no, darling, please, please.

Look, give me another chance.

Please.

Another chance.

Please!

(laughs)

Ten seconds to go, the Celtics
down by two on their home court.

McHale's got the ball.

He goes up. Yeah!

He's in the clear.

Oh no! McHale blows the layup!

(game buzzer)

And that's the game.

The Celtics lose.

Cleveland 102, Boston 100.

I've never seen Kevin play

that poorly before in my life.

What was he doin" out there?

I don't know. I mean,
he wasn't even looking'

at the other players.

He was just
staring' at the floor

and moving his lips.

I think he was countin"
the bolts on the floor.

No, come on.

He wouldn't do that in
the middle of a game.

Hey, look, they're
gonna interview Kevin.

Here's Glen.

This is Glen Ordway on
the floor of the Garden.

We're gonna see if we
can catch Kevin McHale,

ask him a couple of questions

and find out exactly
what went wrong

out on the floor here tonight.

Uh, here he comes right now.

Uh, Kevin, can I ask you
a couple of questions?

Hundred and nine,
hundred and ten,

hundred and eleven,
hundred and twelve...

Now look what you've done!

You have ruined him!

You've ruined Kevin McHale!

You took the scoring

machine, one of Boston's
greatest living sports legends

and turned him into...

one of you!

GUYS (chanting): Kevin,
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin...

(phone rings)

Cheers.

Yeah, Sammy, this is Kevin.

Hey, Kevin! Hey, Kevin McHale.

OTHERS: Hey, Kevin!

Hey, Sammy, boy, I'm
having a rough night.

Yeah, ooh, boy,
we caught the game.

Yeah, you really stunk
it up out there, huh?

Hey, I saw you pitch.

You're not entitled
to an opinion.

You know what it is, though...

it's those bolts.

I tell you, I can't get
them out of my mind.

You know, I've called
the people all over town,

and no two people seem
to have the same answer.

Sammy, it's driving me crazy.

Kevin, you, you got
to take it easy with this.

I mean, bar trivia
can eat you up, pal.

Kevin, it's not
too late! Get help!

Don't...

Honey, who's that?

Just the guys down at Cheers.

(sighs)

My motive, of course,
was to please Frasier.

But this evening, after dinner,

he laughed so hard,
cappuccino ran out of his nose.

Rebecca, you're a friend.

Does this permanent make
my hair look utterly ridiculous?

No, not at all.

I think it's a
delightful change.

So do I.

Damn that Frasier!

For a moment, he had me
believing I was a laughingstock.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.
What're friends for?

How can you just stand there,

staring at that hairdo and
not bust a gut laughing?

(voice straining): No problem.

Hi, everybody!

Hey, Kevin!

FRASIER: How come
you're not in bed, man?

Oh, I couldn't sleep.

You got a big game tomorrow.

I don't care.

All I care about
are those bolts.

So I ran out and got a set
of blueprints to the Garden.

Find out how many bolts
there are in that floor right now.

Wait a minute. Where'd you
get blueprints this time of night?

Ah, I know somebody
down at City Hall.

Kind of a sports
legend in this town, huh?

Oh, yeah? Yeah, all right.

Oh, hey, gee, there,
I'm sorry, Kevin,

but these are the blueprints

for the new Garden
that they're building.

No... Yeah, yeah, you see,

there should be a
mailbox right there.

No, no.

Oh, give me that phone! I
hope the mayor's still up.

Give me that phone. No, no, no.

I don't think you should
do that, man. Don't do that.

Sammy, I'm telling you
right now, I got to know.

I got to know. I'm
telling you, nothing,

I mean nothing's
going to stop me.

Kevin.

Good night, guys.

You guys should be
ashamed of yourselves.

You're like vampires.

Big-butted, do-nothing vampires.

And, and now you're trying to
make Kevin one of your recruits.

Well, I say it's got to stop.

I'm not going to let
you screw up his career.

Oh, come on,
lighten up, will you?

It's just Kevin's getting
a little carried away

with bolts, that's all.

Yeah, sure, Sammy.

Today it's how many
bolts are in the floor.

Tomorrow they'll have him onto

"If the Brady Bunch
crashes in the Andes,

who's going to eat who first?"

Well, they'd probably eat
the maid 'cause she ain't kin.

Well, you know, but
if they're smart there,

they'll ask her first how she
should best prepare herself.

Stop it!

All right, so what do we do?

Well, we'll go
down to the Garden

and just count the
bolts in the floor,

so we can settle this thing
and get Kevin back on his game.

All right?

Well, how are we going
to get in there, Sam?

Don't they lock the
Garden at night?

Oh, hey, Woody, don't
worry about those locks.

We can get past any one of them,

with my trusty Swiss Army Knife.

(chuckles): Yeah,
I got the big one

with the, uh,
tweezer-toothpick combo.

Yeah. That's a
beauty, Mr. Clavin.

Yeah, thanks, Woody.

Yeah, every soldier in the
Swiss Army owns one of these.

That's why nobody
messes with Switzerland.

Yeah, I'd rather run buck
naked through the neighborhood

than be without this baby.

Why is that always
the other option?

(lights buzzing)

Whoa, ho-ho!

WOODY: Are they on?

Uh, yeah!

Look at this, huh?

Boston Garden.

I wake up this morning,
thinking my life has no meaning,

and now I'm standing here.

Yeah, it really, really
kind of clears things up,

doesn't it, Norm?

No, I'm still pretty sure
my life has no meaning,

but I'm standing here.

(laughs)

Every part of this
place is special to me.

Yeah.

It's sacred.

It's holy, you know,
like a cathedral.

Think I'll rip a seat out

and throw it in the
back of my car, huh?

Hey, wait a minute...
What? What?

Forget that. What?

Hey, Mr. Clavin,
I have a question.

Yeah, fire away there.

Well, how can they play
hockey in here... there's no ice?

Oh, the ice is, uh, right
under the floor there, Woody.

It's under the floor right now?

Absolutely!

Why don't you, uh, pick

one of these things
up, have a look-see?

Here, use my Swiss Army Knife.

Suppose anyone would
mind if we shot a few hoops?

Hey, where'd you get that?

Out of the trunk of my car
since last time I was at the gym.

Let's run the floor. All right!

Here we go! Here we go!

(chuckling): When was the
last time you were at the gym?

I don't know.

I used to go to that
one next door to Cheers.

There's no gym
next door to Cheers.

Yeah, there was.
They tore it down.

They put up that bookstore.

There's no
bookstore there either.

Oh, they tore that down
and they put the bank there.

The bank's been there
as long as I can remember.

Well, there you go.

WOODY: Wow!

Well, what have we here?

Looks like plywood.

Oh, great! Hey, I
can use the saw.

(thumping)

Oh, great, somebody's coming.

Woody, put, put,
put the floor back.

Come on, let's go.

Woody, come on. Hurry up.

What a day.

First Sammy gets me
Kevin McHale's jacket.

Then I get to sneak
around the Garden.

Even look at the
plywood under the floor.

Now we're getting chased
off by security guards.

(laughs)

I'm sorry, guys.

I never had a more
beautiful day in my life.

Drinking alone?

No. Frasier asked to
meet me to be here today.

He probably wants a
few more boorish laughs

at my hair's expense.

Well, if it's any
consolation to you,

I think that look does
something for you.

Thank you.

I didn't say what.

Lilith?

Uh, please, don't speak.

I've behaved abominably.

You had the courage
to try something different

in order to please me,

and I've repaid
you with mockery,

which is unforgivable.

But I, I hope you can
forgive me because I love you.

And I love your hair.

And no matter how you might
change your outer appearance,

you'll always be the most
beautiful woman in the world to me.

Oh, Frasier!

Thanks, Rebecca.

Oh, I better keep one.

NORM: There you go.

Yeah, McHale's playing
a little better tonight, huh?

Yeah, of course he is. As soon
as I told him how many bolts

were in the floor, he just
settled right into his game.

Wait a minute. How
could you tell him that?

We never had a
chance to count them.

Well, I just made up
a number, you know.

I figure he'll never
know the difference.

As long as it improves his
game, you know, what's the harm?

Right.

WOODY: Sam, I have a question.

Not now, Woody, I'm, uh,
watching the game here.

No, it's really important.

What?

Well, say a guy removed
the bolts from a piece of floor

in a very important
building. Uh-huh.

Like, uh, I don't know,
say, the Boston Garden.

And, and say a guard came,

and he didn't have time to
put the bolts back in the floor.

What would happen?

You didn't put the bolts
back in the floor, Woody?

Oh, I knew you'd catch that.

I should of just been
honest with you, Sam.

What should I do?

Oh, relax, will you,
Woody? For crying out loud,

they got a crew there to check
on everything before the game.

Yeah, I'm sure they just
found the missing bolts

and replaced them.

I mean, even if they don't,
I mean, what are the odds

of somebody hitting
that spot exactly, huh?

TV ANNOUNCER:
Bird passes to McHale.

McHale is in for
it, stops short.

Oh, he's tripped on something!

He's down!

It looks like a piece
of the floor came up.

That hurt just looking at it!

Oh, no!

I really did it this time.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't blame yourself, Woody.

It's my fault.

It was my birthday.

I'm the one who got him
all interested in the bolts.

No, no, it's me who
dragged us all out here

in the middle of the
night to go count bolts.

It was my fault.

Oh, never would've happened

if I didn't have my
Swiss Army Knife.

Guys, it was my fault.

I'm the one who took
the bolts out of the floor.

He's right, you know.

That's true. Why are we
being so hard on ourselves?

Yeah, you heard him
admit that, didn't you?

You guys, you heard it?

Hey, Kevin, how are you feeling?

Not too good, Woody.

I don't know what
happened out there.

I must look like an idiot.

It was my fault.

How could it be your fault?

I'm the clown that
slipped and fell.

You're right. You were.

You heard him, guys,
let's get out of here.

Listen, we have a
confession to make, Kevin.

Uh, when we came

over here the other
night to count the bolts,

we kind of got carried away

and kind of took some
of the bolts out and then...

kind of forgot to
put them back in.

You mean to tell me
this really is your fault?

I'm afraid so.

Boy, that figures.

With you guys,
that really figures.

You know, I'll tell
you what, though,

I guess I can't
stay too mad at you

'cause you finally solved
that bolt question, you know.

We got another
confession to make.

We kind of never got
around to counting the bolts.

Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. You trying to tell me,

we still don't know how many
bolts there are in that floor?

Yeah, but what is the difference,
man? You played a great game.

Yeah, but what about
tomorrow's game?

NORM: 1,216...

1,217...

McHALE: No, no, hold on.
I already counted that one.

(sighs)

One...

two... three...