Cheers (1982–1993): Season 10, Episode 7 - Bar Wars V: The Final Judgement - full transcript
Sam's convinced that the death of his rival is just a silly one of his pranks.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Hey, Miss Howe, I was
over at the magic shop today,
and look what I got
for Halloween. Aah!
It's the old bloody thumb!
Yuck!
You just hide it somewhere,
and then get ready for the fun.
This was a Halloween night
tradition around our house.
Woody, please don't tell
me how that got started.
I thought we could use it
tonight to scare the guys
from Gary's Old Towne Tavern.
Woody, it's not
scary, just gross.
That's 'cause you
haven't seen it in action.
I'll try it out on Mr. Peterson.
Wood, can I have a refill?
Sure thing, Mr. P.
Way ahead of you. All right.
Yuck.
What the hell is that?
The old bloody thumb.
Didn't it scare you?
No, actually, Wood, it's really
more gross than anything else.
Told you.
Here's another beer, Norm.
Thank you, Rebecca.
And thank you, Woody.
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
All clear in the back,
Sammy. SAM: Yup.
Same in the office
and the basement.
All right, everybody, let's
try and stay ready for 'em.
Ten-four, Sammy.
Listen to you people.
Every Halloween, you
go on this ridiculous alert,
waiting for Gary and the
deadbeats from his bar
to come over here and scare you.
I mean, you're tense all day,
you're checking
under the tables,
you're even afraid
to go to the bathroom.
Well, we go
upstairs to Melville's.
Hey, it's once a year.
Well, I think you guys
should just call it off; I mean,
I think it's really childish.
Excuse me? Childish?
Sweetheart, this is
bar versus bar.
We will use any
weapon available to us.
Water balloons, stink
bombs, whoopee cushions
and fake vomit.
Yes, fake vomit.
Now, how childish is it?
Remember last year,
we sent Cliffy over there
wearing nothing but
a pair of Speedos?
(all laughing, snickering)
Those people were
screaming like banshees.
(laughs) Yeah.
Well, I was making a scary face.
Hey, Sam, I'm back.
CARLA: Oh, look,
a bumpkin with a pumpkin.
Yeah, it's from my
building's roof garden.
I entered this contest the
local merchants are throwing
for the best jack-o'-lantern.
First prize is
a cruise around Boston Harbor.
They say it's three
hours you'll never forget.
Especially if it's low tide.
LILITH: Woody,
it's hard to believe you grew
such a hardy
specimen in the city.
Well, yeah, the trick
is to give it lots of care.
I took a seed
from last year's
pumpkin, planted it,
and watched
over it like a daddy.
I'd even lie in bed
at night thinking,
"I wonder how the
pumpkin's doing."
Pruned it, weeded
it, checked the soil.
I even talked to it.
I think they like that.
Aah!
Farm boys love their Halloween!
I always hated this night.
Why? Well, when I was a kid,
my folks used to
move around so much
that they never really
got to know the neighbors,
so they didn't trust them.
So when all the other little
kids had their costumes on,
and they were trick-or-treating,
all I was allowed to do
was stand at our front door
and pass out candies.
I could hardly wait
till I was an adult,
so I could enjoy Halloween,
you know, and not spend all
my time serving everybody else.
Ah. That's too bad.
Could you pass
those pretzels, please?
(moaning): Darn!
I sympathize with
Rebecca's parents.
I, for one, will
not allow my child
to go trick-or-treating through
the dangerous city streets.
What luck!
I got the last Spider-Man
costume for Frederick!
And look what he
can use for webs.
Frasier, we need
to have a discussion.
Oh. no, don't tell me
you have a thing
against Halloween, too.
I don't have a thing
against Halloween.
I just don't want my child
panhandling door-to-door
accepting non-nutritious snacks
from strangers, dressed
in a silly costume.
But, darling, that is Halloween.
Oh.
Well, then I guess I do
have a thing against it.
I got an idea.
Why don't you bring
the little fella by the bar?
We can, you know, set
up candy here and stuff.
It'll be fun.
Well, I suppose
if it's an environment
which we know and trust,
that would be all right.
I am not serving
the little punk, Sam.
I know.
It's all right.
Do me a favor.
Will you take this
over to Table Ten?
Sure...
All righty.
(coins clinking)
(jukebox plays
jaunty pop-rock intro)
♪ Let's do the
vampire twist... ♪
Hey, that's not "Funky Town"!
♪ Do it ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪
(shouting): Turn it down,
will you? It's too loud.
I can't stop it, Sammy. ♪
Let do the vampire twist ♪
Something's wrong.
♪ ♪
Just unplug the damn thing!
♪ In the dead of
night, I flew with a bat ♪
♪ To the cemetery,
that's where it's at ♪
♪ The tombstones were
shakin' to a crazy beat ♪
♪ And the mummified
mummies jumped to their feet ♪
♪ All the ghouls and goblins
just dying to dance, I saw... ♪
(needle scratches)
(song stops)
Gary...
CARLA: Yeah.
Oh... Oh, that's it, man.
I'm calling Gary,
and I'm telling him that
payback is on its way.
(over phone): ♪ Do the vampire ♪
(music playing over phone)
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Do the twist... ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪
♪ Do it with... ♪
He's good.
You know, this is
just the beginning, too.
He's gonna be
doing this all day long.
We're gonna have
to think of something
to really get back at him.
Yeah. CARLA: Yeah...
You know, something
that'll make him wish
he was never born.
Absolutely.
Something so horrible
that he'll never set
foot in this bar again.
All right! All right, all right!
What are we gonna do?
Soap his windows!
You going for, like, a
mild irritation sort of thing?
Oh, all right,
all right, all right.
You know, that was
just my first idea. Uh...
All right. All right,
yeah, all right.
All right. CARLA: What? What?
NORM: What do you got?
(chuckling) Hey!
CLIFF: All right!
We have a lot of Chinese
food delivered to Gary's.
Yeah?
And not Moo Shu, just
the stuff no one likes.
Yeah?
Well, and then, you know,
have to pay for it and stuff.
Sammy...
What? Look, we gotta think
of something really good.
NORM: Right.
I mean, just for
once, I'd like to be
on the winning
end of a great scam.
CLIFF: Well, uh,
just in case, this morning,
I happened to put on my Speedos.
Cliff...
No, no, no, no...
Hey, Malone,
I'd like to talk to
you for a second.
(all groaning, booing)
Hey, and I'm really, really
sorry about this jukebox.
That was the
vintage one, wasn't it?
Here. Um...
Oh, I feel awful. Let
me make it up to you.
(through nozzle): ♪ Do it
with me, do it with me! ♪
(horn solo blaring)
♪ Come on, Come on! ♪
♪ Do the vampire... ♪
♪ Do the vampire twist... ♪
(song stops)
You're good.
Yes, I know.
Here, I'd like to give
you a blank check.
Whatever the
damages, just write it in.
And I'd also like
to call off all the
pranks for tonight.
What's going on here?
Well, I went to my doctor today.
He says I have abnormally
high blood pressure.
I'm 225 over 90.
Yeah, he also said if I
don't start taking it easy
soon, I could end up a
lot worse, so you see,
that's why we got to call
off everything for tonight.
So this is not one
of your pranks?
No, no, no, no... Sam,
I'm on the level here, okay?
I'm really sorry about
everything, guys.
A round of beers on me, okay?
Just add it to the
check, Sam, all right?
CLIFF: Thanks, Gary.
Oh, what are you talking about?
Hey, come on, listen.
Your health's a
lot more important
than a bunch of silly pranks.
Wow, you're really
a great guy, Sam.
Look, I got to go.
My wife's waiting
in the car for me.
She's gonna take me home.
Oh, are we going
after him tonight!
(laughing)
Sam, he just told you he's sick.
(laughing)
She fell for that!
(mocking tone):
High blood pressure.
My wife's in the
car waiting for me.
Honey, don't you see
what he's trying to do?
He's getting me
to lower my guard.
Oh, this is good, this is good.
All we got to figure out now is,
is something that'll
really spook him tonight.
CLIFF: Yeah. Yeah.
NORM: Yeah.
Well, Sam, how about
using the old bloody thumb?
That's pretty scary.
Come on, man, forget
the old bloody thumb.
No chump would fall for that.
(register rings) Oh, gee!
Helps to have the right chump.
Maybe you gentlemen
should be thinking
along the lines of high-tech.
What do you mean?
Well, a hologram.
You project a three-dimensional
translucent image of
some ghoulish apparition
right into Gary's,
thereby scaring the
bejeezus out of 'em.
Where'd you get that idea?
Well, actually,
Lilith and her physics friends
pulled it on me last year.
Geez, I must have pulled
out five fistfuls of hair.
Hee, hee, hee...
So, uh, what do you
say, guys, a hologram?
FRASIER: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
ALL (chanting):
Hologram! Hologram!
Hologram! Hologram! Hologram!
Trick or treat, everyone.
Well, rather than
let Freddy have
all the fun, we decided
to get dressed up, too.
Who are you guys supposed to be?
See, Frasier, I told
you they wouldn't know.
Well, I'm Dante
Gabriel Rossetti!
And I'm his sister, Christina.
The Rossettis are
our favorite figures
from the Pre-Raphaelite
Brotherhood.
CLIFF: Oh, yeah.
The Pre-Raphaelites. Yeah?
Yeah, a group of 19th
century artists and writers
who held an almost-childlike
submission to nature.
That's very good, Cliff.
How would you ever
come to know that?
Ah, I came across
it at the library.
Yeah, going through art books
looking for paintings
of naked babes, huh?
Really liked 'em fat
back then, didn't they?
Freddy is, of course,
bedecked in the garb of
superhero crime fighter
Spider-Man.
LILITH: Interestingly,
Spider-Man acquired
his supernatural powers
from the bite of a
radioactive spider.
I tried to explain
to Frederick what
would happen if one were
really bitten by a
radioactive spider,
but he just cried.
Okay, Fred, time
for trick or treat.
Trick or treat, lady.
Here we go.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Hey, mister, trick or treat.
Thank you very much.
Oh, look.
I'd like to tell you
something, young man.
I don't know if you realize how
lucky you are that your parents
let you partake in the
better things of childhood.
You know, I never
got to trick or treat.
I always had to
hand out the candy.
Nobody ever gave me any candy.
Look at that...
Good boy, Freddy.
Thank you.
That's the first time anybody
ever gave me anything.
Thank you, Frederick.
The kid's got a
bagful of Snickers,
and he gives me a Tootsie Pop.
Oh, boy, do we have
a surprise for Gary.
SAM: Those physics guys
set up the whole thing;
the hologram's incredible.
What macabre specter
will they be projecting?
Carla's disembodied
head floating over the bar.
(muttering approval)
Scary, huh, Norm? Yeah.
What would you do if you
saw Carla's disembodied head
floating over the bar?
What I always do.
Call a cab and go home.
Oh, my Lord!
FRASIER: That would scare
even the most heartiest soul.
Oh...
It's like being in a
haunted house, isn't it?
A haunted house with free taps.
I can't wait for
Gary to see this.
He's gonna really freak out.
(chuckles)
Oh, here he is now.
Wow!
He was so scared he passed out.
Gee, I wonder what we should do.
Well, I think the responsible
thing to do would be
to bring him to
and then, uh, run.
(all laugh)
Hey, guys,
what if the blood
pressure stuff was true?
I mean, that could be dangerous.
Oh, come on, give me a break.
He was faking.
He's probably faking now.
Come on, Gary, get up.
I don't think he can, Sam.
I don't feel a pulse.
Oh, come on, you
got to be kidding.
No, Sam.
Gary's dead.
Good morning!
CLIFF: Morning, Sam.
It's a dark day.
Oh, come on.
You don't really believe
that Gary's dead, do you?
(gasps): Do you?
FRASIER: I beg your pardon.
You were there.
You saw with your own
eyes what happened.
This is Gary
we're talking about.
You can't trust him.
Ever.
He's pulling a stunt.
CARLA: But the police
and the coroner
confirmed it, Sam.
Oh, no.
No, he-he could've
hired them to trick us.
FRASIER: Sam, I realize that
Gary's death is
very traumatic for you
and you're-you're
obviously in denial.
No, I am not.
I can't believe you guys.
I'll tell you what.
I'll believe he's dead
as soon as they bury him.
Gary's funeral's at
2:00 this afternoon.
This is a good one.
This is a good one.
Life is so unfair.
Yes, Woody, very
often we feel that way
when someone
close to us passes on.
I'm talking about the
pumpkin carving contest.
I mean, it had to be fixed.
You should've seen the winner.
Teeth going every which way,
uneven eyes, stupid nose.
You should have
seen this kid's pumpkin.
Sam?
MATT: Good morning.
I'm Matt, the bartender
from over at Gary's.
Yeah?
We're all kind of in shock,
but I thought I should
come by and give you
something from Gary.
This is good. Watch this one.
Oh, the bowling trophy.
Gary's prized possession.
MATT: Gary came back
from seeing you yesterday,
Sam, and all he could talk about
was how concerned you
were over his condition.
He was pretty touched that
after all this time
of being rivals,
when it counted most,
you really cared about him.
That is so sweet and so sad.
Oh, come on! Give me a break!
The guy is probably hanging
out around here someplace.
Hey, what're you up
at Melville's, Gary?
Come on down!
(chuckles)
Wow, you are cold, man.
I was gonna ask you for a job,
but pfft! forget it now.
Now, he's good.
He is really good.
REBECCA: Sam, stop it.
The game is over.
A man is dead.
You know, it's getting
a little bit embarrassing.
It's time for you to face
the fact that Gary is dead.
That you had a
hand in his death.
We all did.
That's the end of it.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
All right, I admit it.
Waah-waah, he's dead.
(laughs)
Come on, you guys.
Lookit, he's bluffing.
I wonder how far he's
really going to take this thing.
I'll be he's not even in there.
Okay, so he's in there.
I still think it's a trick.
If he wants to stay
in there and suffocate,
it's fine with me;
it's his funeral.
Oh...
Sam, we'd like you
to be a pallbearer.
Well, why me?
I mean, Gary hated me.
It's a shame you never knew
how much he thought of you, Sam.
He thrived on your competition.
You brought him life.
Then you took it away.
I don't want to be a pallbearer.
FRASIER: Sam,
it's the least you could do.
Oh, I know what
he's going to do.
All right, we're
walking along here,
all of a sudden,
the coffin opens up,
he reaches out
and grabs my hand.
Yeah, right. Ooh-ooh,
I'm scared, yeah.
Come on, Gare, I got
you. Come on, open up.
(knocks on coffin)
Hello? Come on out, Gary.
(owl hooting in distance)
Come on, Gary. Enough's enough.
It's getting chilly out here.
CLIFF: Sammy? Hmm?
Come on, the funeral's
been over for hours.
No, no, you don't understand.
See, that's the whole thing
about practical
jokes, it's timing.
I know this; I've done this
a thousand times before.
Matter of fact, if I
don't miss my guess,
he'll be coming out...
right about... now.
Right about now.
Come on, you're
milking it, Gary!
Get out of there!
FRASIER: I don't think
he's coming out, Sam.
Yeah? Well, then I'm...
I'm digging him out.
Come on, Gary. Come on.
No, you don't
understand. This is a stunt.
No, come on, you
can hear him laughing.
He's laughing... I hear you!
You're laughing, I know that!
Okay, Gary, I'm back.
You can come out
and scare me now.
Shh-shh! Watch.
Oh, Sam, he's not here.
Oh, my God...
What if he's really dead?
The thought has
occurred to me, Sam.
He's gone.
He's really gone.
Gary had to go out of
his way to prove it to you,
but, yes, Sam, he's gone.
I feel like I've lost
my best friend.
CARLA: Having Gary around
was, like, the one
thing that always
seemed to pull us
together as a group.
Yeah. Gary really brought
out the best in us, huh?
No, Cliffie, he brought
out the worst in us.
He will be missed.
Boy, I'll tell you, I've
done a lot of things
that I regret, but I'll never be
able to make up for this one.
You know, maybe it's time I
stopped acting like
an overgrown child.
I mean, a man is dead because
I did not have the maturity
to know when to stop.
Never thought
I'd say this, but...
I miss Gary.
He's a... he's a true friend.
That would have made
a better eulogy than
"Get out of there, Gary."
I feel so empty.
(crying)
WOODY: Excuse me.
(continues crying)
SAM: Woody, come,
come back here.
Oh, come on, Woody.
God, it's all my fault.
(Woody sobs loudly in distance)
Hey, Woody, come on, man.
You, you don't want to
cry by yourself in there.
Come on, come on, man.
Come on, listen,
hey, hey, listen to me.
Listen to me.
We all feel bad.
(crying continues)
Do you, Malone?
Do you really?
(laughs)
Trick or treat!
You... you were
all in this together?
Hey, the whole city of Boston
was in on this one, Sam.
Come on, you're
supposed to be on my side.
It was really funny, Sam.
Yeah, but you're
my pal, man. Come on!
It was really, really funny!
Sammy, I told you. I
told you we wanted to be
on the winning
end of a great scam.
That was a clue.
Yeah, but you never really gave
that Chinese food
thing a chance.
Hey, too bad you can't
get back at me, Malone,
but you're a big boy now.
You don't want to play pretend
'cause people could get hurt.
Whoops! This, I
believe, is mine.
SAM: Oh, no, wait!
Hey, the game is not over, Gary!
Hey, listen, I'm going
to find something
to scare you. I
swear to God I am!
Here, use this, Sam.
Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bloody thumb! Bloody thumb!
Whoo! Whoo!
a live studio audience.
Hey, Miss Howe, I was
over at the magic shop today,
and look what I got
for Halloween. Aah!
It's the old bloody thumb!
Yuck!
You just hide it somewhere,
and then get ready for the fun.
This was a Halloween night
tradition around our house.
Woody, please don't tell
me how that got started.
I thought we could use it
tonight to scare the guys
from Gary's Old Towne Tavern.
Woody, it's not
scary, just gross.
That's 'cause you
haven't seen it in action.
I'll try it out on Mr. Peterson.
Wood, can I have a refill?
Sure thing, Mr. P.
Way ahead of you. All right.
Yuck.
What the hell is that?
The old bloody thumb.
Didn't it scare you?
No, actually, Wood, it's really
more gross than anything else.
Told you.
Here's another beer, Norm.
Thank you, Rebecca.
And thank you, Woody.
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
All clear in the back,
Sammy. SAM: Yup.
Same in the office
and the basement.
All right, everybody, let's
try and stay ready for 'em.
Ten-four, Sammy.
Listen to you people.
Every Halloween, you
go on this ridiculous alert,
waiting for Gary and the
deadbeats from his bar
to come over here and scare you.
I mean, you're tense all day,
you're checking
under the tables,
you're even afraid
to go to the bathroom.
Well, we go
upstairs to Melville's.
Hey, it's once a year.
Well, I think you guys
should just call it off; I mean,
I think it's really childish.
Excuse me? Childish?
Sweetheart, this is
bar versus bar.
We will use any
weapon available to us.
Water balloons, stink
bombs, whoopee cushions
and fake vomit.
Yes, fake vomit.
Now, how childish is it?
Remember last year,
we sent Cliffy over there
wearing nothing but
a pair of Speedos?
(all laughing, snickering)
Those people were
screaming like banshees.
(laughs) Yeah.
Well, I was making a scary face.
Hey, Sam, I'm back.
CARLA: Oh, look,
a bumpkin with a pumpkin.
Yeah, it's from my
building's roof garden.
I entered this contest the
local merchants are throwing
for the best jack-o'-lantern.
First prize is
a cruise around Boston Harbor.
They say it's three
hours you'll never forget.
Especially if it's low tide.
LILITH: Woody,
it's hard to believe you grew
such a hardy
specimen in the city.
Well, yeah, the trick
is to give it lots of care.
I took a seed
from last year's
pumpkin, planted it,
and watched
over it like a daddy.
I'd even lie in bed
at night thinking,
"I wonder how the
pumpkin's doing."
Pruned it, weeded
it, checked the soil.
I even talked to it.
I think they like that.
Aah!
Farm boys love their Halloween!
I always hated this night.
Why? Well, when I was a kid,
my folks used to
move around so much
that they never really
got to know the neighbors,
so they didn't trust them.
So when all the other little
kids had their costumes on,
and they were trick-or-treating,
all I was allowed to do
was stand at our front door
and pass out candies.
I could hardly wait
till I was an adult,
so I could enjoy Halloween,
you know, and not spend all
my time serving everybody else.
Ah. That's too bad.
Could you pass
those pretzels, please?
(moaning): Darn!
I sympathize with
Rebecca's parents.
I, for one, will
not allow my child
to go trick-or-treating through
the dangerous city streets.
What luck!
I got the last Spider-Man
costume for Frederick!
And look what he
can use for webs.
Frasier, we need
to have a discussion.
Oh. no, don't tell me
you have a thing
against Halloween, too.
I don't have a thing
against Halloween.
I just don't want my child
panhandling door-to-door
accepting non-nutritious snacks
from strangers, dressed
in a silly costume.
But, darling, that is Halloween.
Oh.
Well, then I guess I do
have a thing against it.
I got an idea.
Why don't you bring
the little fella by the bar?
We can, you know, set
up candy here and stuff.
It'll be fun.
Well, I suppose
if it's an environment
which we know and trust,
that would be all right.
I am not serving
the little punk, Sam.
I know.
It's all right.
Do me a favor.
Will you take this
over to Table Ten?
Sure...
All righty.
(coins clinking)
(jukebox plays
jaunty pop-rock intro)
♪ Let's do the
vampire twist... ♪
Hey, that's not "Funky Town"!
♪ Do it ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪
(shouting): Turn it down,
will you? It's too loud.
I can't stop it, Sammy. ♪
Let do the vampire twist ♪
Something's wrong.
♪ ♪
Just unplug the damn thing!
♪ In the dead of
night, I flew with a bat ♪
♪ To the cemetery,
that's where it's at ♪
♪ The tombstones were
shakin' to a crazy beat ♪
♪ And the mummified
mummies jumped to their feet ♪
♪ All the ghouls and goblins
just dying to dance, I saw... ♪
(needle scratches)
(song stops)
Gary...
CARLA: Yeah.
Oh... Oh, that's it, man.
I'm calling Gary,
and I'm telling him that
payback is on its way.
(over phone): ♪ Do the vampire ♪
(music playing over phone)
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Do the twist... ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪
♪ Do it with... ♪
He's good.
You know, this is
just the beginning, too.
He's gonna be
doing this all day long.
We're gonna have
to think of something
to really get back at him.
Yeah. CARLA: Yeah...
You know, something
that'll make him wish
he was never born.
Absolutely.
Something so horrible
that he'll never set
foot in this bar again.
All right! All right, all right!
What are we gonna do?
Soap his windows!
You going for, like, a
mild irritation sort of thing?
Oh, all right,
all right, all right.
You know, that was
just my first idea. Uh...
All right. All right,
yeah, all right.
All right. CARLA: What? What?
NORM: What do you got?
(chuckling) Hey!
CLIFF: All right!
We have a lot of Chinese
food delivered to Gary's.
Yeah?
And not Moo Shu, just
the stuff no one likes.
Yeah?
Well, and then, you know,
have to pay for it and stuff.
Sammy...
What? Look, we gotta think
of something really good.
NORM: Right.
I mean, just for
once, I'd like to be
on the winning
end of a great scam.
CLIFF: Well, uh,
just in case, this morning,
I happened to put on my Speedos.
Cliff...
No, no, no, no...
Hey, Malone,
I'd like to talk to
you for a second.
(all groaning, booing)
Hey, and I'm really, really
sorry about this jukebox.
That was the
vintage one, wasn't it?
Here. Um...
Oh, I feel awful. Let
me make it up to you.
(through nozzle): ♪ Do it
with me, do it with me! ♪
(horn solo blaring)
♪ Come on, Come on! ♪
♪ Do the vampire... ♪
♪ Do the vampire twist... ♪
(song stops)
You're good.
Yes, I know.
Here, I'd like to give
you a blank check.
Whatever the
damages, just write it in.
And I'd also like
to call off all the
pranks for tonight.
What's going on here?
Well, I went to my doctor today.
He says I have abnormally
high blood pressure.
I'm 225 over 90.
Yeah, he also said if I
don't start taking it easy
soon, I could end up a
lot worse, so you see,
that's why we got to call
off everything for tonight.
So this is not one
of your pranks?
No, no, no, no... Sam,
I'm on the level here, okay?
I'm really sorry about
everything, guys.
A round of beers on me, okay?
Just add it to the
check, Sam, all right?
CLIFF: Thanks, Gary.
Oh, what are you talking about?
Hey, come on, listen.
Your health's a
lot more important
than a bunch of silly pranks.
Wow, you're really
a great guy, Sam.
Look, I got to go.
My wife's waiting
in the car for me.
She's gonna take me home.
Oh, are we going
after him tonight!
(laughing)
Sam, he just told you he's sick.
(laughing)
She fell for that!
(mocking tone):
High blood pressure.
My wife's in the
car waiting for me.
Honey, don't you see
what he's trying to do?
He's getting me
to lower my guard.
Oh, this is good, this is good.
All we got to figure out now is,
is something that'll
really spook him tonight.
CLIFF: Yeah. Yeah.
NORM: Yeah.
Well, Sam, how about
using the old bloody thumb?
That's pretty scary.
Come on, man, forget
the old bloody thumb.
No chump would fall for that.
(register rings) Oh, gee!
Helps to have the right chump.
Maybe you gentlemen
should be thinking
along the lines of high-tech.
What do you mean?
Well, a hologram.
You project a three-dimensional
translucent image of
some ghoulish apparition
right into Gary's,
thereby scaring the
bejeezus out of 'em.
Where'd you get that idea?
Well, actually,
Lilith and her physics friends
pulled it on me last year.
Geez, I must have pulled
out five fistfuls of hair.
Hee, hee, hee...
So, uh, what do you
say, guys, a hologram?
FRASIER: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
ALL (chanting):
Hologram! Hologram!
Hologram! Hologram! Hologram!
Trick or treat, everyone.
Well, rather than
let Freddy have
all the fun, we decided
to get dressed up, too.
Who are you guys supposed to be?
See, Frasier, I told
you they wouldn't know.
Well, I'm Dante
Gabriel Rossetti!
And I'm his sister, Christina.
The Rossettis are
our favorite figures
from the Pre-Raphaelite
Brotherhood.
CLIFF: Oh, yeah.
The Pre-Raphaelites. Yeah?
Yeah, a group of 19th
century artists and writers
who held an almost-childlike
submission to nature.
That's very good, Cliff.
How would you ever
come to know that?
Ah, I came across
it at the library.
Yeah, going through art books
looking for paintings
of naked babes, huh?
Really liked 'em fat
back then, didn't they?
Freddy is, of course,
bedecked in the garb of
superhero crime fighter
Spider-Man.
LILITH: Interestingly,
Spider-Man acquired
his supernatural powers
from the bite of a
radioactive spider.
I tried to explain
to Frederick what
would happen if one were
really bitten by a
radioactive spider,
but he just cried.
Okay, Fred, time
for trick or treat.
Trick or treat, lady.
Here we go.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Hey, mister, trick or treat.
Thank you very much.
Oh, look.
I'd like to tell you
something, young man.
I don't know if you realize how
lucky you are that your parents
let you partake in the
better things of childhood.
You know, I never
got to trick or treat.
I always had to
hand out the candy.
Nobody ever gave me any candy.
Look at that...
Good boy, Freddy.
Thank you.
That's the first time anybody
ever gave me anything.
Thank you, Frederick.
The kid's got a
bagful of Snickers,
and he gives me a Tootsie Pop.
Oh, boy, do we have
a surprise for Gary.
SAM: Those physics guys
set up the whole thing;
the hologram's incredible.
What macabre specter
will they be projecting?
Carla's disembodied
head floating over the bar.
(muttering approval)
Scary, huh, Norm? Yeah.
What would you do if you
saw Carla's disembodied head
floating over the bar?
What I always do.
Call a cab and go home.
Oh, my Lord!
FRASIER: That would scare
even the most heartiest soul.
Oh...
It's like being in a
haunted house, isn't it?
A haunted house with free taps.
I can't wait for
Gary to see this.
He's gonna really freak out.
(chuckles)
Oh, here he is now.
Wow!
He was so scared he passed out.
Gee, I wonder what we should do.
Well, I think the responsible
thing to do would be
to bring him to
and then, uh, run.
(all laugh)
Hey, guys,
what if the blood
pressure stuff was true?
I mean, that could be dangerous.
Oh, come on, give me a break.
He was faking.
He's probably faking now.
Come on, Gary, get up.
I don't think he can, Sam.
I don't feel a pulse.
Oh, come on, you
got to be kidding.
No, Sam.
Gary's dead.
Good morning!
CLIFF: Morning, Sam.
It's a dark day.
Oh, come on.
You don't really believe
that Gary's dead, do you?
(gasps): Do you?
FRASIER: I beg your pardon.
You were there.
You saw with your own
eyes what happened.
This is Gary
we're talking about.
You can't trust him.
Ever.
He's pulling a stunt.
CARLA: But the police
and the coroner
confirmed it, Sam.
Oh, no.
No, he-he could've
hired them to trick us.
FRASIER: Sam, I realize that
Gary's death is
very traumatic for you
and you're-you're
obviously in denial.
No, I am not.
I can't believe you guys.
I'll tell you what.
I'll believe he's dead
as soon as they bury him.
Gary's funeral's at
2:00 this afternoon.
This is a good one.
This is a good one.
Life is so unfair.
Yes, Woody, very
often we feel that way
when someone
close to us passes on.
I'm talking about the
pumpkin carving contest.
I mean, it had to be fixed.
You should've seen the winner.
Teeth going every which way,
uneven eyes, stupid nose.
You should have
seen this kid's pumpkin.
Sam?
MATT: Good morning.
I'm Matt, the bartender
from over at Gary's.
Yeah?
We're all kind of in shock,
but I thought I should
come by and give you
something from Gary.
This is good. Watch this one.
Oh, the bowling trophy.
Gary's prized possession.
MATT: Gary came back
from seeing you yesterday,
Sam, and all he could talk about
was how concerned you
were over his condition.
He was pretty touched that
after all this time
of being rivals,
when it counted most,
you really cared about him.
That is so sweet and so sad.
Oh, come on! Give me a break!
The guy is probably hanging
out around here someplace.
Hey, what're you up
at Melville's, Gary?
Come on down!
(chuckles)
Wow, you are cold, man.
I was gonna ask you for a job,
but pfft! forget it now.
Now, he's good.
He is really good.
REBECCA: Sam, stop it.
The game is over.
A man is dead.
You know, it's getting
a little bit embarrassing.
It's time for you to face
the fact that Gary is dead.
That you had a
hand in his death.
We all did.
That's the end of it.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
All right, I admit it.
Waah-waah, he's dead.
(laughs)
Come on, you guys.
Lookit, he's bluffing.
I wonder how far he's
really going to take this thing.
I'll be he's not even in there.
Okay, so he's in there.
I still think it's a trick.
If he wants to stay
in there and suffocate,
it's fine with me;
it's his funeral.
Oh...
Sam, we'd like you
to be a pallbearer.
Well, why me?
I mean, Gary hated me.
It's a shame you never knew
how much he thought of you, Sam.
He thrived on your competition.
You brought him life.
Then you took it away.
I don't want to be a pallbearer.
FRASIER: Sam,
it's the least you could do.
Oh, I know what
he's going to do.
All right, we're
walking along here,
all of a sudden,
the coffin opens up,
he reaches out
and grabs my hand.
Yeah, right. Ooh-ooh,
I'm scared, yeah.
Come on, Gare, I got
you. Come on, open up.
(knocks on coffin)
Hello? Come on out, Gary.
(owl hooting in distance)
Come on, Gary. Enough's enough.
It's getting chilly out here.
CLIFF: Sammy? Hmm?
Come on, the funeral's
been over for hours.
No, no, you don't understand.
See, that's the whole thing
about practical
jokes, it's timing.
I know this; I've done this
a thousand times before.
Matter of fact, if I
don't miss my guess,
he'll be coming out...
right about... now.
Right about now.
Come on, you're
milking it, Gary!
Get out of there!
FRASIER: I don't think
he's coming out, Sam.
Yeah? Well, then I'm...
I'm digging him out.
Come on, Gary. Come on.
No, you don't
understand. This is a stunt.
No, come on, you
can hear him laughing.
He's laughing... I hear you!
You're laughing, I know that!
Okay, Gary, I'm back.
You can come out
and scare me now.
Shh-shh! Watch.
Oh, Sam, he's not here.
Oh, my God...
What if he's really dead?
The thought has
occurred to me, Sam.
He's gone.
He's really gone.
Gary had to go out of
his way to prove it to you,
but, yes, Sam, he's gone.
I feel like I've lost
my best friend.
CARLA: Having Gary around
was, like, the one
thing that always
seemed to pull us
together as a group.
Yeah. Gary really brought
out the best in us, huh?
No, Cliffie, he brought
out the worst in us.
He will be missed.
Boy, I'll tell you, I've
done a lot of things
that I regret, but I'll never be
able to make up for this one.
You know, maybe it's time I
stopped acting like
an overgrown child.
I mean, a man is dead because
I did not have the maturity
to know when to stop.
Never thought
I'd say this, but...
I miss Gary.
He's a... he's a true friend.
That would have made
a better eulogy than
"Get out of there, Gary."
I feel so empty.
(crying)
WOODY: Excuse me.
(continues crying)
SAM: Woody, come,
come back here.
Oh, come on, Woody.
God, it's all my fault.
(Woody sobs loudly in distance)
Hey, Woody, come on, man.
You, you don't want to
cry by yourself in there.
Come on, come on, man.
Come on, listen,
hey, hey, listen to me.
Listen to me.
We all feel bad.
(crying continues)
Do you, Malone?
Do you really?
(laughs)
Trick or treat!
You... you were
all in this together?
Hey, the whole city of Boston
was in on this one, Sam.
Come on, you're
supposed to be on my side.
It was really funny, Sam.
Yeah, but you're
my pal, man. Come on!
It was really, really funny!
Sammy, I told you. I
told you we wanted to be
on the winning
end of a great scam.
That was a clue.
Yeah, but you never really gave
that Chinese food
thing a chance.
Hey, too bad you can't
get back at me, Malone,
but you're a big boy now.
You don't want to play pretend
'cause people could get hurt.
Whoops! This, I
believe, is mine.
SAM: Oh, no, wait!
Hey, the game is not over, Gary!
Hey, listen, I'm going
to find something
to scare you. I
swear to God I am!
Here, use this, Sam.
Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bloody thumb! Bloody thumb!
Whoo! Whoo!