Cheers (1982–1993): Season 10, Episode 25 - An Old-Fashioned Wedding - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Move it, you deadbeats.
We're closing early.

Woody, our bartender's,
getting married,

and we're all going
in the wedding.

Go on. Get the hell out of here.

If you're still thirsty,
go on over to Bob's.

Gee, it's nice to see
my cousins again.

You know, sitting here
in my dinner jacket,

I feel I should be tossing off

brittle Noel Coward bon mots.

Do you know any brittle
Noel Coward bon mots?



As a matter of fact, I do.

It seems that after being
told that a very boring

acquaintance of his had
put a bullet through his brain,

Coward said, "He must
have been a remarkable shot!"

Did he often find humor
in the tragedy of others?

Well, darling, you're
missing the humor, dear.

He got his jollies from
massive head trauma?

Don't...

You're missing the whimsy...

Oh, for God's sake, Frasier!

Can you imagine the state
of mind that would drive a man

to do something like that?

Can you picture the
despair he must have felt

facing a future in which any hope
or joy seemed utterly impossible?



I think I can
picture that, dear.

(theme song begins)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

So what'd you clowns
get the happy couple?

Well, uh, you know,
Carla, recent surveys show

there are a lot of wasteful
duplication in wedding gifts.

Yeah.

Everybody gets like, you know...

four toasters and
four-dozen fondue forks.

They always wind up
sitting in a closet somewhere.

Yeah, so, uh, we went
for the, uh, practical. Yep.

Ta-dah!

Hey, wait a minute.

Is that a new garbage can?

Um... yeah.

Like hell it is.

You just took that out of your
kitchen and brought it here!

Hey, this is a seasoned
receptacle, okay?

Oh, God!

They got some fetish to look
at a brand-new garbage can,

they can come
over to my kitchen.

Darling, what's
taking you so long,

just to write a simple card?

We're the most articulate
couple Woody and Kelly know.

I'd like to leave them
with some words

they can reread and
cherish 20 years from now.

Yeah, if they're
still married then.

Forgive me if I seem
unduly cynical, but...

geez, I've treated
so many emotionally

scarred husbands and wives,

it's hard for me
to get sentimental

over a simple greeting card.

What'd you write?

"May you never forget the
way your hearts leapt up

when first you gazed
into each other's eyes."

(crying): Oh, God
Lilith! I still remember!

Whoa, guys, this is going to be
some kind of wedding reception.

I tell you, it was pretty
nice of Mr. Gaines to buy

all his liquor from us.

I think I'm going to throw in

that special case
of wine I got in here.

Sam, you might as
well leave on your apron.

You're going down to the cellar.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

(humming)

It's all cobwebby down there.

It's a perfectly
sensible precaution.

After all, it's not as though
he slept in a shower cap.

No.

Oh, well, so what if he did?

I mean, uh,

like any guy might.

You know, to keep
the spiders off his head.

Do you realize, when I publish
my book on borderline psychosis,

every penny I ever spent
in this bar will be deductible?

I just hope it's
a short wedding.

I can't wait to
get to that cake.

I'm starving.

So I gather the
preparations for this event

have been somewhat lavish.

"Somewhat"?!

We are talking about
the wedding of the year!

Look at this guest list...

Tycoons, philanthropists,
European royalty.

The kind of wonderful crowd
that I could be mingling with

right now if Robin and
I had stayed together...

which, of course, we didn't.

He went his way and I went mine

and the dream ended
and... that was that.

And now I've got
to go over there

and schlep booze
so those rich pigs

can pour it down
their ugly throats!

Life sucks.

Okay to call on you
for a wedding toast?

Hey, here's the
blushing bridegroom now.

Hi.

How're you doing, Woody?

Fine. Fine.

What're you smiling about there?

Am I smiling, Sam?

Okay, I'll stop.

You're acting all
weird. What's going on?

Am I acting weird, Sam?

Okay, I'll stop.

Yeah, you're spacing out.

You've got that goofy
look on your face

and that look in your eyes

that I always get right after...

Aw, don't tell me.

You and Kelly couldn't wait till
your wedding night, could you?

Oh...

It gives me a whole
new prospective, Sam.

You know, suddenly I
understand all those jokes

you guys have been telling me.

And by the way,
ha-ha, Mr. Peterson.

And ha-ha-ha, Mr. Clavin.

And ho-ho-ho, shame
on you, Dr. Crane.

Tell me, Woody, why,
after three years of chastity

and just hours
before the wedding?

Well, Kelly was
modeling her trousseau.

And she just looked so good,
and we couldn't help ourselves.

And we figured it's okay as long

as we're getting
married today, you know.

You still respect
me, right, Sam?

Aw, come on, you'd still
respect me, wouldn't you?

Let's not open up
that can of worms.

Ah, Woody, I
understand completely.

You know, forbidden
fruit is often the sweetest.

Many men look back
on premarital sex

as the last real thrill they had

before the cold, dead
hand of matrimony

turned what was once exciting
into predictable routine...

(rhythmic clinking)

According to this
idiotic book I read.

I just worry about
Kelly's father.

He's pretty traditional
about those things.

I wouldn't want him finding out.

Hi, lover.

Gee, I don't know
what would tip him off.

Shouldn't you be
home getting dressed?

Uh-huh, but I missed you.

Oh, I missed you, too.

You know, no matter
how often I see it,

the sight of young lovers
never fails to make me sick.

Kelly. Kelly...

Kelly! (clears throat)

Look, uh, I gotta
ask you something.

I'm making you guys an
astrological marriage chart

for a wedding present.

And I gotta get
some information.

Oh, gee, I... I
don't know my sign,

but I know I'm not a Virgo.

CARLA: I know your date of birth

and where you were born,

but what I gotta know is what
time you were born exactly.

It was 8:00 in the
morning. Okay.

I weighed seven
pounds, three ounces.

I had very fine hair

and a tiny little
birthmark on my shoulder.

Daddy said it was the
sweetest thing you've ever seen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

KELLY: Can you
believe that sweet,

innocent baby girl grew up

and got it on with the
Woodman this morning?

8:00 a.m. Got it. Okay.

Kelly, who's performing
the ceremony?

Don't you have an
uncle who's a minister?

Yes, Uncle Roger.

But it didn't seem
right to ask him.

He's going through a
terrible divorce right now.

Apparently, he got
tired of coming home

and finding his wife
in bed with Hives.

Well, it's pretty
insensitive of him.

Hives is their butler.

Oh.

CARLA: Oh, oh...

Oh, bad news, guys.

The wedding's off.

What are you
talking about, Carla?

Well, according to my chart,

this is the worst possible day
for you guys to get married.

If you do, the wedding
will be a disaster.

CLIFF: Oh, for
crying out loud, Carla!

You ought to know by now,
horoscopes are for suckers.

Oh, they're for
suckers, huh, Clavin?

Sure. I was reading an
article debunking them

in last month's
UFO Spotter's Guide.

You know, kids,
astrology is bad enough,

but she's also a
Cassandra into the bargain,

always prophesying doom.

You know, when
Lilith and I got married,

she predicted that our marriage would
descend into a life of endless bickering.

That's not exactly
what she said, Frasier.

Yes it is, word for word.

No, you're
misremembering, as usual.

It's my story.

Why can't you keep your oar out?

Because inaccuracy is
a mark of sloppy thinking.

And what is butting
in a mark of?!

I'm telling you, Woody,

You've got to
call this thing off.

Just reschedule it for
any other day but this.

Well, that's out of
the question, Carla.

After what happened
this morning,

Kelly and I have to get married,
or she'll be a fallen woman,

and I'll have brought
disgrace on my whole family,

just like Uncle Orlo.

He got caught
checking into a motel

with a cream separating machine.

It may not seem shocking now,

but in the early '60s, that
was considered pretty weird.

No, got to get married today.

Woody's right.

If we don't get married today,

we'll never be able
to face each other.

Okay, suit yourselves,

but don't blame me.

Aw, come on,
don't listen to her.

Okay, Kelly, we'd
better get you home

so you can get into
that wedding dress.

Now come on you two,

cut it out. Come on.

Otherwise, you're going
to be getting married

in nothing but high
heels and a wedding veil.

How would that look, huh?

Trust me, Sam.

(laughing)

Oh, that's great.

Okay, Rebecca, you ready to go?

Uh, no, no, no. I want a
picture of everybody first

with us all dressed up. Come on.

Everybody get over
here on the steps.

You know, it's amazing
how different we all look

when we're dressed up...

sort of sophisticated
and debonair.

CLIFF: Hey, for crying out loud,
Norm! You stepped on my shoe!

Do you know how long it took
me to get that shine on there?!

NORM: Oh, did Cliffy get his
little shoesy-woosey messed up?

Hey! Will you knock it off?

How would you like a
smear on your "triple Es" pal?!

Okay, all right,
I've got it set.

In five seconds
the picture goes off.

(camera shutter clicks)

Darn it, I think my
eyes were closed!

Come on, Carla.

As soon as we're
finished setting up,

we can enjoy the wedding.

I'm telling you, Rebecca,

nobody's gonna
enjoy this wedding.

The stars don't lie.

The day is gonna be a disaster.

There's gonna be carnage,
bloodshed, destruction.

People will be fighting each
other to get on stretchers

and begging to be
put out of their misery.

Carla, if you feel that way,
why didn't you just stay home?

What? And spend
the night with my kids?

(dogs barking and growling)

Whew! Boy, I'll tell you,

those are two of the fiercest
guard dogs I've ever seen.

Mr. Gaines says if you
just call them by name

and speak firmly to them,
they're gentle as lambs.

Well, that's good to know.

What are their names?

Hitler and Attila.

What do you want me
to do with this wine?

Uh, why don't you just put it
over there in the wine closet?

All right. Oh, oh, oh.

Wine closet.

These certainly look delicious.

Uh! Uh! Ow!

(with French accent): I have
told you again and again...

Don't touch the food!

I am the caterer.
You are just...

bar people.

Why are you being so rude?

You know, we're caterers, too.

Opening a bag of potato chips
does not make you a caterer.

Huh. That is not a bag.

That is a can.

Those are Pringles,
Mr. Big-Time-Know-It-All chef.

Hey, that's the nicest wine
closet I've ever been in.

Well, Robin and I were
gonna have one, too.

It was gonna have stereo

and hanging plants and

two little chairs
and a little table,

and we would sit
there late at night

with a very special
bottle of wine.

The son of a bitch.

You wanted to talk
to me, Mr. Gaines?

Yes, Woody, now that
we're almost family,

Mr. Gaines sounds
pretty cold and formal.

Dad?

But better than that;
have a seat here, Woody.

Now, Woody, I don't think

I've ever tried to hide the fact

that I dislike you intensely.

I appreciate that, sir.

The only reason I've
accepted this union

is that my daughter
loves you so very much.

Oh, I know she's
had other suitors

with better backgrounds,

but they all had one
thing on their minds.

They couldn't
keep their hands off

my little girl, and I hate that.

But you, on the other hand,

have always seemed to
respect and love my daughter.

But believe me,

if I thought for one moment,

you didn't respect my
Kelly, I'd call off this wedding

and have those dogs
of mine eat you alive.

Do I make myself clear?

Oh, yes, sir.

Now, Woody, I know this sounds

like a meddlesome father-in-law
giving advice, but it isn't.

It's a threat.

Think he's starting to like me.

Hey, Woods.

Hey, ah, that is a
good shot right there.

Okay, there, Rebecca!

Say cheese!

Oh! Oh, man!

Think you got enough
wattage in that thing?

(camera shutter clicking)

Oh...

Hey, you're missing
quite a party out there.

What are you talking about?

I thought the reception
was after the wedding.

Oh, yeah, but as soon as
he met Woody's relatives,

Mr. Gaines opened
the bar right away.

Yeah, we'd better take
some hors d'oeuvres out there.

I am not going
to tell you again.

Keep your hands off my savories!

SAM: Oh, my.

I haven't heard that
since high school.

You-you have a
real attitude problem,

you know that,
you little creep?!

CLIFF: Hey.

Now you're taking
me back to high school.

Huh.

Yeah.

Teachers, huh?

As long as you two
guys are out here,

why don't you give me a hand?

(clapping)

Hilarious.

Cliff, dry off those glasses,

and Norm, open up
those wine bottles.

Hey, does anybody
have a plunger?

Why? Something
happen to the toilet?

No, my Uncle Elroy
left his leg on the bus,

and he wants to dance.

Yeah, well, if I see it,
I'll send it out to him.

Woody!

Woody, for the last time,

will you call this thing
off before disaster strikes?

Carla, I couldn't
even if I wanted to,

now that Kelly's
in a family way.

Family way? Just
from this morning?

Wouldn't surprise me.

Farm boys know these things.

She's got that same
glow we used to see

on the brood sow's snout

after we'd fed the
hogs fermented swill.

Yeah?

Pretty soon, she'll be grunting,

squealing and
cranking out piglets.

Never lose those stars
in your eyes, Wood.

Woody.

WOODY: Oh, Kelly!

You ever look gorgeous!

KELLY: Shh. Daddy would kill you

if he saw us together
before the wedding.

Oh. Okay, I'll see you later.

See you later, Woody.

CLIFF: Oh, boy, huh?

Yeah. Looking at those
two, it's hard to believe

that one out of every
two-and-two-thirds marriages

in this country ends in divorce.

Where do they get
those stupid statistics?

What is two thirds
of a marriage?

Plenty, believe me.

Hey, come on, you guys.

You heard Mr. Gaines.
Woody, if he sees you

and Kelly smooching like
that, he's gonna throw a fit!

MR. GAINES:
Kelly, where are you?

Oh, hey, Carla, give
me a hand here, will you?

I told you disaster
was gonna strike.

Come here, come, come out here.

(dogs barking and barking)

MR. GAINES: Kelly,

you're not downstairs, are you?

You have to hide her!

Uh, yeah, Kelly, out through
the, uh, s-swinging doors.

No, no, no. Nobody can see her

until she walks down the aisle!

How about the oven?

Carla!

How about the dumbwaiter?

My cousin and I used to hide
in there when we were little.

Ooh. Ooh, it's cozy in here.

Woody...

No, don't even think about it.

MR. GAINES: Kelly?

Kelly? Oh, hi, Mr. Gaines.

Hi, Woody. I can't
seem to find Kelly.

She didn't go out
there, did she?

I think she's around
here somewhere.

Woody, you haven't
seen Kelly, have you?

Uh, no. No, sir.

No. Not me. Not
before the wedding.

I wouldn't want
to see Kelly naked.

I mean, uh, married.

I mean, I don't believe in
seeing her naked... marriages,

or being naked when
you see a marriage,

or any of that stuff,

not even with a... veil.

More bourbon, Sam.

Lots more bourbon. Yes, sir.

The big bottles.

Oh! I couldn't have held
on to that rope much longer.

All right, I don't want to
take any more chances here.

You go up to your room, Kelly.

Now, would you two
stop that! Now, come on.

Woody, Woody, Woody,
get out there and, uh,

mingle with your,
uh, guests. Come on.

KELLY: See you later, Woody.

Love you.

Love you, too.

Love you more.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do, too. Love you more

than anything in
the whole world.

Wuv you, wuv you... Yes, I
wuv you, wuv you, too, Woody.

Now, uh, you go out there

and mingle with your
new in-laws, huh?

Are you a history buff, Sam?

Uh, no, sir, I'm
not, actually. Why?

I was thinking
about Mussolini. Ah.

Oh, I know you hear a lot of
negative things about him...

but any man that had
his own son-in-law shot

couldn't have been all bad.

All right, I think
everything's okay here.

I'll just, uh, make sure that
Woody's behaving himself.

Well, hello there.

Can I, uh, help you?

(with German accent):
I'm Cousin Monika.

Oh. Well, I'm Uncle Sam.

I need a paper towel.

I'm afraid I spilled a
bit of wine, right here.

Oh, really?

Well, it doesn't
show. It does...

if you look closely enough.

Oh, yes, you're right, by golly.

That's a beauty... it's too
bad you had to get a stain on it.

Throw that to me.

Thank you very much.

Let me, uh, get this for you.

You're as gallant
as you are attractive.

Well, I try for an even mix.

Are you part of
the groom's family?

Actually, I'm the best man.

I'd enjoy being
the judge of that.

This is hardly
the time or place.

Of course, under the gift table

in about half an hour
would be all right.

There you go... good as new.

Thank you.

Whoa, w-wait a second,
what-what's your rush?

My husband will
be looking for me.

Can you believe
that? She's married!

She didn't seem to
be a fanatic about it.

REBECCA: Oh, hello, Father.

Can I help you?

I'm Dr. Chatfield.

I'm performing the ceremony.

(chuckles): I've
been retired so long,

I've forgotten how tiring
the preliminaries can be.

All that handshaking
and yak, yak, yak.

Is there somewhere
I could just sit

and put my feet
up until it's time?

Well, sure... How
about right over here?

CHEF: Just keep him out
of my part of the kitchen.

I still have the whole
cake to decorate.

Well, I wish you'd hurry
up... I'm starving to death.

I haven't had a thing
to eat all morning

except one of
those little candies.

What little candy?

Those little candies shaped
like brides and grooms.

I made this for
the top of the cake!

You bit the head of my groom!

I'm sorry... I didn't have
any idea that that was for...

This is the last straw!

You have been an irritation
ever since you walked in.

Now, I want you... out of here.

No!

I can stay here, too!

I've been working very hard,

and except for eating the
groom, I've done a damn good job.

If you don't like it, why
don't you just leave!

Very well.

We shall.

Allons-y!

(muttering in French)

(dogs barking,
growling excitedly)

(door slamming)

NORM: Probably
not the smartest move

for a bunch of guys who have
been handling liver all day.

He left.

(feigns French accent):
Well, you told him to!

Yes! But nobody
ever listens to me.

Why did he have
to be the first one?

Say, is the minister out here?

They need him for a photograph.

Right back here. All
the waiters and the chef,

how are we going
to replace them?

Just relax. We can
handle this ourselves.

Oh, really? How are
we going to do that?

We'll just do whatever those
clowns were supposed to do.

Now, come on, listen to me.

This is Woody's wedding day.

It's the most
important day in his life.

We're not going to spoil it.

Now, we'll just ice the cake,

and serve the hors d'oeuvres

and don't worry about it.

There's no need to panic.

I think somebody better tell
them to wait on that photograph.

Why is that?

Because the minister is dead.

Dead?

He can't be dead.

He just sat down
there to take a little nap.

Frasier, are you sure?

I trained as a physician.

Believe me, he's dead.

You don't make
that mistake twice.

Oh, the poor, old thing.

Would you stop that?!

Aw, no, poor Woody.

There goes the wedding.

Yeah, unless one of you knows

an incredible ventriloquist.

Well, somebody
better go tell him.

You're right.

Oh, he's just going
to be crushed.

Break it to him gently, Sam.

Sam? Why am I the
one who's responsible?

Hey, Woodrow!

How're you doing, man? Hey!

WOODY: Hey, Sam.

I just came in to
get my boutonniere.

Oh, he just, uh, came
in to get his boutonniere.

Oh. Listen, I
didn't get a chance

to thank you guys for making
this such a wonderful day.

Helping me out with Kelly's dad.

Oh, well, we'd do anything

we could for you, pal,
anything humanly possible.

I know you would, Sam.

I-I know you all would,
and thank you all.

This is just the greatest
day of my whole life.

Aw, well, that's terrific.

Say, how would you
feel if we had to cancel it?

What, are you kidding?

No way. Why would we?

Oh, I don't know, you know,
say the minister was, uh...

Called away. Called away.

He's retired, Sam.

That's for sure.

His wife died ten years ago.

He doesn't have any family.

From what I hear, he
hardly has any life at all.

You heard right.

Whereas, I have the greatest
life anyone could ask for

and... you know,

the greatest friends

and I-I'm going to marry
Kelly in 30 minutes.

And I just feel like
the luckiest guy

in the whole world.

You sure are, pal.

Bye-bye.

Oh, great. What
are we going to do?

Well, I suppose I
should call the police.

Yeah, one of us better
tell Mr. Gaines, too.

Oh, that'd be great.

What are we supposed to
do, throw rice at the hearse?

I'm telling you, if
we tell anybody,

they're just going to cancel
the whole celebration.

Rebecca's right.

A dead body at a
wedding is a bad idea.

Both times we did that in
my family, we regretted it.

Boy, look at him, Norm.

One minute he's here,

next minute he's gone.

Really makes you
think, doesn't it?

Friendship, mortality,
the afterlife...

what's it all about?

That's a nice
watch he's wearing.

No. No, Cliff, no.

I'm just saying, is all.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.

Didn't Woody say something like

this old man didn't
have any friends left?

Well, what harm would it be

if we just didn't tell
anybody for a few hours?

What are we going to
do with Father Bye-Bye?

Who's going to
perform the ceremony?

Well, Kelly said
something about having

an uncle who's a minister.

Uncle Roger!

Great! Okay.

Cliffie, go find Uncle Roger

and bring him in here. Roger!

That's what I just said.

Go, go-go-go.

Frasier, uh, go stall while
I send out more drinks.

Uh, Norm, Carla, get the
body in the wine cellar there.

Uh, Rebecca, ice the cake.

(whining): Why do I
always get the hard part?!

Just do it, will you please?

Come on, come on. Hurry up.

Can you believe this, Carla?

We're actually putting a
dead body in a wine closet.

Honey, if I had a nickel...

We're lucky.

Maurice already
left the icing here,

so maybe I can do this cake.

But what am I going to do

about the little
figure for the top?

Uh, can't you repair it?

Uh, here, yeah, use this.

Sam, that's pate.

You want me to make the
groom's head out of meat?

Why not? It's
supposed to be Woody.

CLIFF: Sammy, Sam.

Uh, Uncle Roger.

Oh! Hello, Uncle Roger!

Very pleased to meet you, Sam!

I've heard wonderful
things about you.

Who are you again?

Well, I'm the best man, sir.

We were wondering if
you could help us out here

and perform Kelly
and Woody's wedding.

I'd be flattered!

I love weddings.

Yeah, they're such a
marvelous, young couple.

Do I know them?

Uh, quick, black coffee, Norm.

I love black coffee!

Black coffee is marvelous!

But you know what's
even more marvelous?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, here we go.

Here we go. There.

Okay, Uncle Roger, this is Norm.

He's going to help you
prepare your remarks.

Pleased to meet you, Norm.

I've heard marvelous
things about you!

Uh, Cliffie, uh, serve
some hors d'oeuvres.

Keep people happy, will you?

Very good.

What's taking so long?

Shouldn't the wedding
have started by now?

Uh, well, something
came up, Lilith. I'm afraid

I can't go into it, but, uh,

maybe it'd be a good
idea if you went out there

and, you know, were
to sing and dance

and use some of your natural
talents to entertain people.

Oh, my God, someone
died, didn't they?

You can count on me, Sam.

Good heavens,
death at a wedding.

How appalling.

All right, see? Huh?

No need to panic.
Everything's under control here.

Du dort!

Ich glaube Du bist
der nachdem ich suche.

Pardon me?

Ich will nicht, dass Sie
mit meiner Frau flirten!

"Frau, frau," that's German.

Anybody speak German?

Just the basics, Sam.

Uh, "Lowenbrau,
Michelob, bratwurst."

Ah, good,

good, good. Here
we go. Here we go.

(loudly): I wanted to take
German in high school!

It really interested me!

But it conflicted
with Driver's Ed!

Anything, huh?

Gehe wieder an sie heran
und Du kannst fuer den Tod

eines Hundes beten!

Yeah, well, Ich
bin ein Berliner, pal.

Listen, I'm sorry.
I can't help you.

Sam, What?

I think he's saying he
needs to go to the bathroom.

Oh, I bet you're
right. I'm sorry.

Right through the
doors there, Goldfinger.

Dieter!

Du bist gewamt worden!

Hey, how you doing, Monika?

I'm sorry. Was my
husband being a pest?

Your husband?

Oh, listen, when we met, I
didn't know you were married,

let alone to the Kaiser there.

Oh, pay no mind.

He's hideously jealous

of every man I
am even polite to.

Well, maybe you're
just too darn polite.

The reason I came
looking for you, Sam,

is to give you a little gift.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Listen, you didn't
have to do that.

Consider it a down payment.

MONIKA: Now I have a problem.

My legs are cold.

How do you think I
can warm them up?

Well, if you were a cricket,

you could always
rub them together.

(Sam and Monika laughing)

Don't tease me, Sam.

I'll be expecting you...

unless you need
another incentive.

No-no-no-no-no, no
more incentive. No-no-no.

Thank you very much.

Oh, Lord, what am I gonna do?

Hey, buddy. How are you doing?

Oh, hey, Sam. I'm missing her.

I want to go up
and say "hi" to her.

Ah, no, no. Can't you keep your
hormones in check just for five minutes?

Look who's talking!

Aw, yeah.

You got me there, pal.

You be careful!

(chuckling): Boy, Sammy,
you ought to see Lilith out there.

She's really working up a sweat,

singing, dancing,
doing impressions!

She's doing everything
but playing the spoons!

I'm cooking.

Give me an A-flat.

Thank you.

(spoons clacking) ♪
When you're smiling ♪

♪ When you're smiling ♪

♪ The whole world smiles... ♪

You know, maybe it wouldn't
be so bad to let them see

the corpse after all, eh?

Oh, Uncle Roger!

You feeling better?

Well, well, yes, I
am feeling better.

Ah, good.

You feeling up to
performing a wedding?

Perform a wedding?

I'd sooner be dead.

Oh, now, now, don't,
don't you get started on this.

I hate weddings.

Well, my own marriage
was a, a disaster.

I-I-I... at times I
prayed I would die

and go to a better hell
than the one I was living.

Oh, my... Just talk to
him, will you, Norm?

What am I gonna do,
argue with the man?

Marriage ruined my
life! Oh, Norm, Norm,

if you only knew.

Amen, brother, amen.

Not now, Cliffie!

Uh, do me a favor.

Take Uncle Roger out there.

Find Frasier and get
him some therapy fast.

Sure thing. Okay,
buddy boy, let's go.

Are you married?

Uh, no, sir, I'm not.

Came close once, but no.

Well, she was a lucky girl.

Why, thank you, sir.

What's the holdup?
Where's Dr. Chatfield?

Uh, Dr. Chatfield, um,
has, uh, challenged

the chef and the waiters
to a footrace in the park,

and that's where they
are now, footracing.

Thank you very much.
He was going for it.

Sir, uh, the minister
should be ready

in about five minutes.

Well, then I'll just
use this opportunity

to get the champagne
out of the wine closet.

Oh, good idea.

Uh, everybody
loves wine, Rebecca.

SAM: No! No!

Please, this is
far too dangerous.

Let me go down there for you.

I'm just gonna select a vintage.

Rebecca, can you
sew a button on for me?

Kelly, what are you doing
down here in the kitchen?

Now that you're here,
let me get a look at you.

Oh, yes, yes,
let's all look at her.

Kelly, you stand right over
there by the pâté. Oh! Oh!

(gasps) Isn't...
she... beautiful?!

SAM: Yes, yes, yes.

I'm just a bartender,

but even a dumbwaiter like
me can see how beautiful she is.

Oh, look at her, Mr. Gaines.

Turn around, Kelly.
Look at that dress!

Look at that hair!

Look at that train!

Well,

you're just a little
store-bought princess,

aren't you, Kelly?

Oh, Cliffy! Cliffy!

Ah, you're just in time.

Yeah, the bride and her
father would like to have a shot

before the wedding!

Oh, yeah, sure
thing there, Sammy.

Okay, now just look at me.

Uh, just look at Cliff.

I already hired a
professional photographer.

I know, but spontaneous
is so much more fun. Smile!

(camera shutter clicks)

Oh! Yeah!

SAM: Oh, oh!
Coming through, sir.

Coming through.

Okay. Here we go. Let's
get another one this way.

CLIFF: Yeah, good idea.
We'll, uh, spin right around here,

Turn around. and
I'll get a picture

of your baby blues.
Oh! You blinded me

with that damn flashbulb.

Will you be reasonable?!

I tell you, I won't
perform another wedding.

(shutter clicking) What
the devil was that?

Uh... maybe it was the radio.

Oh, yeah.

Turn off that damn radio!

I've got a splitting headache.

I'm gonna go
upstairs and lie down.

No, sir. You gotta
pick a vintage here

so we can drink champagne.

Do you eat a lot of sugar, Sam?

No, sir, I'm just a
fool for weddings.

What are you doing

dressed like that? Come on.

Mr. Gaines could
see you. Get out there.

(dogs barking)

I still need to have
my button sewed on.

Woody was kidding around,
and he kind of... bit it off.

Where is the button, Kelly?

Well, Woody has it.

SAM: I got it. I got it. Woody!

(dogs barking and growling)

Oh, my God.

Give me the button.
There you go.

(dogs barking)

Here, Rebecca.

Sew it on, quick.

Sam, I'm icing the cake.

If I weren't icing the cake,

I would sew on
the damned button,

but I am icing the cake.

You don't know
how to sew, do you?

I don't even know how
to ice the damned cake.

I can sew.

Yeah, Ma thought it was a skill

every young man should learn.

Oh, that was very
sensible of her.

Oh, sure, I can also knit,
crochet and do bargello.

You ought to see
this petit-point rug

I did of John Wayne
ascending into heaven.

(dogs barking)

(gasping): Big dogs.

Big, hungry dogs.

Thank God, I'm saved.

Sam, here we are.

(dogs barking)

Well, that's quite a pair
of dogs you got there, sir.

Thank you. This ought to do it.

Put those on ice for later.

On ice, sir. Yes, sir.

I wonder how Lilith
is doing out there.

LILITH: And this time,
just the women yodel.

(dogs barking and growling)

Here you go, Mr. Best Man.

Thank you very much.

My pants are torn.

Oh, I'm sorry, Woody.

Uh, Kelly's father
was down here.

Listen, why don't you
run up to her room there?

Uh, Cliffie's sewing
on a button for her.

Maybe he can take
care of your pants.

You'd think those dogs
would know me by now.

Mr. Gaines is always giving
them one of my shoes to sniff.

Quick, quick, haul him up.

Okay, now,

if we can get the body
in the wine cellar, and, uh,

and Frasier to fix Uncle Roger,

and Rebecca to fix the cake,

and Lilith to
entertain the guests

and Cliffie to fix Woody's
pants and we'll be all set.

Sammy, I hate to be the
one to break this to you,

but the, uh, body seems

to have fallen off
the dumbwaiter.

Aw, gee.

Just when everything
was going so well.

The body's gone, Sam.

Well, we're just
gonna have to find it

before somebody else does.

"Horoscopes are
for suckers, Carla."

Hey, does anyone know
where this dumbwaiter goes?

The cellar, I think.

Robin and I were
going to have one,

right off the kitchen
by the inglenook,

those little leaded
glass windows,

overlooking the
little herb garden.

I'd love it if he were dead.

Okay, tell you what.

Go outside there,
see if you can find

the entrance to the cellar.

No problem, Sammy.

(dogs barking)

Problem, Sammy.

All right, all right, all right.

Plan B. Uh...

All right, somebody climb
in the dumbwaiter here

and, uh, I'll lower
you down. Okay.

Okey-doke.

No, uh...

Just a thought, but maybe
Carla should go, huh?

Oh, sure, sure. I'd
love to be lowered down

into the cellar on a rope

to look for a dead
body in the dark.

Who believes in horoscopes?

Are you there yet?

Uh, a little more!

Hello, Uncle Sam.

(Carla screams, heavy thud)

As long as you
have my stockings,

I thought you might
need something to...

hold them up.

Oh, uh, gee, I-I wish,
uh... Not now, not now.

No, look, this is wrong. Listen.

This is my buddy's
wedding today.

I can't spoil it.

Besides, I have
certain moral standards

that I just refuse
to compromise.

Right after the wedding,

my poor husband
has to fly to Dusseldorf.

Okay, but I'm buying breakfast.

I don't feel good about this.

But I've felt a lot
worse in the past.

Carla, honey, I'm sorry!

That wasn't funny, Sammy!

Have you got the body?

Yes. Now pull us up.

All right. Here we come.

Here we go.

I see you.

What are you doing, Sam?

Ooh!

(Carla screams, loud thud)

Nothing. Nothing. Why?

I need a bandage for Mr. Clavin.

He pricked his finger
sewing my button on,

and he's being a
real baby about it.

Apparently, his mother

used to tell him bedtime
stories about gangrene.

Carla!

SAM: Honey! No, no, no!

I'm not listening.

Roger, please!

I'm a psychiatrist.
You're a minister.

We're both professional men.

We're in the business
of helping people.

Don't make me hit you!

I am not going
near that wedding.

Oh, Sam, I give up.

I've tried every known therapy.

This man is beyond the
help of medical science.

I don't understand this.

I mean, he, he was perfectly
happy when he was drunk.

Calling Dr. Daniels.

Dr. Jack Daniels.

Carla?! Sweetheart, I'm sorry.

You are a dead man, Malone.

I'm sorry, honey.

I-I'm gonna pull
you up right now.

Hey, you want to give
me a hand here, Norm?

No, no, no, no.

With the body.

I gotta get the minister
into the wine closet.

You know, this guy
didn't move around

that much when he was alive.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Oh, no, no, don't
apologize, Sam.

Your dropping me was funny,

and then the second
time was hysterical.

Then this third time,
I said to myself...

(yelling)

(screaming)

(thud) Sie dort!

Ich habe Dich gewart.

Nun wirst Du dafuer bezahlen!

No, no, no. Frasier,
do you speak German?

Ich werde dich wie ein
gefeseltes Schwein multilieren.

Well, I picked up a
smattering during med school,

but it's been so long.

I did recognize the
word "mutilate," though.

Das ist nicht Alles was
ich abschlagen werde.

He speaks too fast for me, Sam,

but I can tell you this...
He's clearly insane.

Good with a sword, though.

Tell him I didn't
touch his wife.

Bitte.

Es ist ein, er, Fehler.

Dieser ist der falsche Mann.

Der falsche Mann? Yah.

Oh, good. Now, please tell
him to put his sword away.

Er ist unschuldig.

Tut ihm nicht weh.

Oh. Oh. Thank you, Frasier.

Whew! Boy, I tell you,

I thought I was a
dead man for sure.

Du Schmutiziges Schwin!

No. No, no, no.

These are mine.
Yeah, yeah, see I, uh...

surgical condition...
Poor circulation.

Yeah, oh, oh, that
feels much better.

You know, actually,
uh, that does feel better.

(howling laughter)

Er ist bestimmt
der falsche Mann.

Er ist ein "Poofter."

(all laughing)

Well, I tried to tell you.

Ein "Poofter."

Hoert Alle, der beste
Mann ist ein "Poofter..."

(guffawing)

Ich bein "Poofter."

Ein "Poofter!"

(laughing)

What's a Poofter mean, anyway?

Well, it means you'll
never have to worry

about the German draft board.

Oh, Lord. At the very least,

I thought I was gonna get

the living daylights
kicked out of me.

The night is young.

Ooh!

(screams, thud)

Sammy, you're
gonna have to let her

out of there sooner or later.

Yeah, yeah, later.
Much, much later.

For crying out loud. $72 million

and they can't afford
a bottle of Bactine.

I tell you,

if I lose this finger,

this house and everything
in it is gonna belong to me.

Just remind me

to call my attorney after
the wedding, all right?

Wedding? I love weddings.

Oh...

Well, in that case,

how would you like to
perform the ceremony?

I can do better than that.

I will perform the ceremony!

So, where's Woody, anyway?

Oh, he's upstairs
with Kelly. Yeah.

I-I was beginning to feel
like a third wheel. Yeah.

Do you want to give
me a hand here?

Why are we the only
people who find that funny?

Well, all right, Roger,
shall we get going there?

Mm.

Not so fast!

Can't I get a chance
to kiss the bride?

No, no. Not now.

Plenty of time for
that after the wedding.

Yeah. Y-You know, I,
I'm somewhat sloshed.

Yes, well, it'll be
our little secret.

Yes, you're right.

ROGER: Black coffee.

Quick. I need a blindfold
and three sharp cleavers.

Lilith, you don't need that.

The wedding's about to begin.

Like hell. Not
before my big finish.

Okay. Looks like we're all set.

Where's Woody, anyway?

Oh, God. He's
upstairs with Kelly

working up another smile. What?

Finally, we seem to be
ready to start the wedding.

I'll go upstairs and get Kelly.

Oh, no, no, no. Mr. Gaines.

Right, Sam, and you
get Woody. Let's do it.

All right now, you go upstairs,

Mr. Gaines, to Kelly's room!!

Sam, please. You're yelling
loud enough to wake the dead.

Oh, yeah, if only I could.

Do you think there's any way

for him to get out
of that bedroom?

Yeah, he could always jump

out the window and
come to the back door.

(fumbling at door)

Oh, cool. Maybe this is him.

(dogs whining)

Whew!

I wonder what put the
fear into those dogs?

Oh, Mayday...

It's payday!

No, no, no, honey,
please, sweetheart...

You stand still and
take it like a man.

No, no, I never
fight with women,

especially one who
could cream me.

Baby, let's stop it.

You've just finished
icing the cake.

Someone could
get hurt by accident.

It won't be an accident!

No. Please. No,
Carla don't. Carla.

Please. I need help.

Attention everyone.
Here comes the bride.

Oh! Oh, Mr. Gaines,
you must be so proud.

Woody, that was close.

Boy, now I'm really gonna
have to marry her today.

Okay, buddy. You
ready to go out there?

I'm ready, Sam.

All right. Here we go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wood, before you go out there...

Listen, there's something

I'd like to give you that...

well, I wish that someone had
given to me on my wedding day.

Cliffy, you want to
hold him, please?

No, no, no. Whoo!

No, it's okay, Mr. Peterson.

I really love her.

Okay, Wood, just don't come

complaining to me
in about ten years.

Although you will know
where to find me, won't you?

Turn around here.

Oh, man, I'm so proud of you.

Oh, thanks, Sam.
Thank you very much.

Come on. Come on.

You see, Carla?

You were wrong.

Oh, sure, it could have
turned out to be a disaster,

but we all worked together
and we got everything done.

You know what?

I think this wedding's
gonna turn out just fine.

Just fine.

("Wedding March" playing)