Cheers (1982–1993): Season 10, Episode 24 - Heeeeeere's... Cliffy! - full transcript
Norm bribes the "Tonight Show" to use one of Cliff's jokes on the air.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm!
Hey, Mr. P. How's
life in the big city?
Hey, what'd I tell you
about those fat jokes?
Uh, what's in the
box there, Norm?
Only my brand-new
Turbo Flex Airmasters
with the custom pump fit
and the night
reflector racing stripe.
Ah, whoa!
Ooh, look at that!
Major shoe.
And check out
the reflector, huh?
Wow, shines like
the Northern Lights.
Yep.
Get this... they
utilize a patented
ergonomic lever
propulsion design.
Uses your body's own
Achilles tendon as a fulcrum.
I read in Runner's World
that they can improve your
vertical leap by ten percent.
Try 12%, babe.
Ooh.
Ah, that's more than a shoe
there, Normie, that's a god.
And now, if you
gentlemen will just...
stand back for a second...
I'm gonna try these puppies out.
And we're off!
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Okay, Paulie, at 7:00 we
go over to Gary's, right?
Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute, you're
going over to Gary's bar?
Well, Sammy, big
heavyweight fight tonight...
He's got a satellite
dish, you don't.
You're deserting
me for that snake?
You're gonna give money
to the one guy I hate
more than anyone
else in the whole world?
'Course not, Sammy.
I'm gonna run a tab.
Sammy, we wouldn't go anywhere
if you had a satellite dish. Mm-hmm.
All right, all right, if it
means that much to you,
I will look into it, all right?
I, for one, am filled with
a sense of foreboding
when I contemplate
the future of a culture
whose primary
source of recreation
is watching more and
more mindless television.
Don't you agree, Frasier?
Now, why is Gilligan magnetized?
Because he was
struck by lightning.
Every time this episode
airs, you ask that question.
Sam?
Damn it, now, why is Cliff
having his personal
mail sent to my bar?
Well, when you've been
harassed by as many agents
of the government as Cliff
has, you naturally develop
a reluctance to give them
your own return address.
Ah, Cliffie got a letter
from The Tonight
Show in California.
Is he still trying to sell
jokes to Johnny Carson?
When's that poor
guy gonna give up.
He is... I hear he's leaving
the show at the end of May.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, Cliffie! Hey.
Sam, pour me a
cold one, will ya?
It's been a long day.
What's the problem, bub?
Eh, hard to say, I, uh,
just seem to have lost
the spring in my step.
Well, just pull one
out of your head.
Oh, hey, you got
a letter from NBC.
Aw, forget it... It's
just another rejection.
Oh, come on, now, how do
you know that? Aw, Sammy,
I'm just a plaything
of that fickle maiden
known as Miss Comedy.
Last night I went down to
The Laugh Tureen to gig.
Well, they wouldn't
let me go on.
It was amateur night...
They said I wasn't ready.
Cliff, you're not
going to give up.
With the current
sorry state of the world,
we need your humor
now more than ever.
Well, yeah, thank
you very much, Lilith.
You know, you've always
been my number one fan.
In fact, you've
been my only fan.
(laughing)
(Lilith continues laughing)
I wasn't joking.
Oh. I'm sorry.
It must have been the way
you instinctively time everything.
You can't learn that, you know.
Save your breath.
Nothing's gonna do me any good.
Aw, Cliff, why don't
you just go on back
and lie down on the pool table.
I think there's a game going on.
Everybody's a comedian.
Everybody except me.
REBECCA: Carla,
you hurt him.
Oh, thanks.
Well, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do,
I-I'm just gonna
open this letter.
Maybe it is good news.
I'm just so sick and tired
of everybody in this bar
having such a negative attitude.
I mean, you know,
good things do happen.
So, did they buy his joke?
(scoffs): Yeah,
what do you think?
"Mr. Clavin, thank you very much
"for your submission
to The Tonight Show.
"We will not be
using your material.
Enclosed is your submission."
Hey, what was it this time?
Let me put my beer down... I don't
want it coming through my nose.
"Today is Doc
Severinsen's birthday.
"You know, Doc is so
old, when he was a kid
"he never blew out
candles on his birthday cake.
They didn't have fire yet."
(laughing)
Lilith!
You can't possibly be
laughing at that terrible joke.
You don't find humor in the
exaggeration of a contemporary man
predating an event which
took place 45,000 years ago?
Well, had Cliff phrased it
like that, sure, hellzapoppin.
Poor Cliffie. I really kind of
hate to see him suffering like this.
CARLA: You know,
I think it's about time
we had Cliff put to sleep.
What? He had a
lot of good years.
There is one way
to cheer him up...
You know, we could
change this letter of rejection
to look like a letter
of acceptance.
It'd be pretty easy, actually.
So are you just gonna dismiss
my putting-him-to-sleep idea?
We're not even
gonna talk about it?
You know, all we have to do
is just white-out the word "not"
and... it looks like,
"we will be using
your submission."
You're pretty good
with that white-out stuff.
Sammy, I used to
be an accountant.
Many is the time this stuff
kept me out of Leavenworth.
I don't know, gentlemen.
Should we really encourage
Cliff in these flights of fancy?
I cite for an example his
Kennedy conspiracy theory.
I, for one, have never believed
the Beatles were involved.
Give the guy a break.
Okay? For once.
Cliffie! Cliffie come
out here. Yeah?
We opened your letter
from The Tonight Show.
Johnny loves the joke.
They're going to
use it on the show.
Oh, you're kidding.
Read it. Go ahead.
(muttering)
Hey! I did it! Ha-ha!
I did it! I, uh, I sold a
joke to Johnny Carson!
(laughs)
Oh, this is the happiest
moment of my life!
Well, take your
last look at Clifford
Clavin, letter carrier.
Yeah, when my
joke hits the airwaves,
I'm gonna start a new career.
Yep, it's going to be
Cliff Clavin, joke meister.
Doctor of Ha-Ha, the funny man.
Yeah,
I'm going to be hanging around
with a whole new
group of friends:
Oscar and Emmy.
Ciao.
Carla, what was your plan again?
Okay, so we tell him
he's getting a flu shot...
Hey, Sammy, look at this.
Here it is right here
in the classified.
You can buy a
used satellite dish
for 300 bucks,
install it yourself.
I don't know anything about
installing a satellite dish.
Oh, come on, Sam,
what's the big deal?
You clamp it to the roof
and you run a few wires down.
WOODY: I don't know, Carla.
My Uncle Skyler tried to do that
with a milking machine right
before an electrical storm.
Cows never forgave him for it.
It was worth it, though.
We had cottage cheese sandwiches
for a month, I'm telling you.
Hey, everybody. Guess what.
Cliff Clavin is off
to the entertainment
capital of the world...
The dream factory,
the land of glitz, glamour
and make-believe.
What, you're going
to Chucky Cheese?
No, Woody.
Going to Hollyweird, California.
Yeah, I've got
some nonrefundable
tickets here in my hand; they're
going to take me to Burbank.
And, uh, when Johnny Carson
delights America with my joke,
me and Ma are going to be
sitting there watching it live.
NORM: You know,
they write an awful
lot of jokes, Cliff.
Uh, just 'cause
they bought yours
doesn't necessarily
mean they're gonna use it.
Aw, geez, Norm, uh,
I'm a little confused here.
I guess you're the one
who is currently employed
as a writer for The Tonight
Show starring Johnny Carson.
You're right, Cliff.
I'm just saying you could
be setting yourself up
for a big fall here.
(laughs): Norm.
The only question is is whether
Johnny is going to invite me
to sit up there on
the couch next to him.
Oh, hey,
I'd better call Ma.
She'll be thrilled.
You've got to do something, man.
This has gone far enough.
I can't, Sammy.
I'm no good at giving bad news.
Oh, what are you talking about?
You told Vera about
losing all those jobs, right?
I'm gonna get to that,
when the time is right.
All right, I will.
I will. I will.
Uh, oh, boy. I was right.
She was tickled pink.
Yeah, the two places
she most wants to see
before she goes to the great
beyond is Formosa and Burbank.
Cliffie,
there's something I
have to tell you, buddy.
Oh, wait. Norm,
there's something
I got to tell you first.
Well... When I was
at the travel agency,
I got, uh, three nonrefundable
tickets to Burbank.
And guess whose
name is on the third one.
Please don't let it
be Norm Peterson.
Norm Peterson!
I'm going to California!
(Norm and Cliff cheering)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
I love working with my
hands, don't you, Sam?
Yeah, Woody, I do.
But not with any
mechanical stuff.
Hey, do you have any idea
how a satellite dish works?
You mean you don't?
Well, to be honest, no.
Well, you've got
a satellite up there.
How far up there?
Oh, about 72 million miles,
give or take a few light years.
And it's got
a gizmo up there so when
you send your TV stuff up there
it shoots it right back
down here to this baby.
Boy, you sure know a
lot about the world, Sam.
Oh, Woody, I'm an avid reader.
When you look up
there at all those stars
and all those galaxies...
you realize just how big
this satellite dish really is.
Boy, oh, boy.
This is something, isn't it, Ma?
Who would have believed it?
There it is, the couch,
the desk and the curtains.
Huh? Huh?
Listen, Cliff, um, before Johnny
starts his monologue,
there's something I
really want to tell you.
Oh, suddenly it's
Johnny, huh, Norm?
I mean, I work with the man
and I don't even get
to call him Johnny.
Anyway, before he
starts the monologue
I'd like to tell you
something, okay?
Hey, uh, Cliff Clavin.
I'm from Boston.
I, uh, wrote
tonight's monologue.
Really?
Then you know Johnny?
Well, does anybody
really know Johnny?
Hey, there's those
people we met in line.
I'm going to go over
and say howdy-do.
Norman, I want to thank you.
For what?
Well, I know Clifford
doesn't have many friends.
I remember that surprise
birthday party I organized
for him and you were the
only one who showed up.
Yeah.
Where were you, anyway?
I just forgot.
Mrs. Clavin, I have
a confession to make.
What do you mean?
The Tonight Show didn't
really accept Cliff's joke.
I got ahold of
the rejection letter
and I sort of changed it around to
make it look as if they accepted it.
Oh, my Lord.
I wanted to tell him earlier,
but it's been so long
since I've had a vacation
and Lord knows I've needed one.
Norman, you are a
naughty, naughty boy.
I'm sorry.
You're his best friend.
You've got to do something
or suffer the consequences.
Okay.
All right, uh, let me
see what I can do.
(clears throat)
Excuse me, buddy.
Uh, could I talk to
you for a minute?
What do you need?
Um, how would you like to
make a couple hundred bucks?
What are you talking about?
A friend of mine
wrote this joke,
and I was wondering
if you could, uh,
sort of slip it into Johnny
Carson's monologue.
Oh, sure, we do it all the time.
Most of Johnny's jokes
come from folks
just like yourself
in the audience
who offer us money.
I admit it's, it's a bad joke,
but the guy's entire
existence is riding on this.
This is a bad joke?
I mean a sure clunker?
Johnny will definitely
bomb with this?
I'm afraid so, yeah.
Well, I'm out of work
in a month anyway.
Jay Leno has his own people.
Let me see the joke.
Oh, great, thank you so much.
How much can I give you, huh?
Ah, don't worry about it.
Just buy me a
beer after the show.
Wherever you go,
people are the same.
Well, Woody, I think we did it.
I think we got
this thing working.
Sam.
Yeah?
You think there's a reason
for all these stars and
all these planets and...
for all of us being
here where we are?
Yeah, Woody, I do.
Well, would you happen
to know what that reason is?
Come on, man, I'm just proud
of myself for installing
this satellite dish.
Do you think I'm supposed
to marry Kelly, Sam?
I mean, do you think that's
what the plan is for me?
You getting cold feet, buddy?
Well, yeah, it is a
little chilly up here,
but I'm trying to
talk philosophical.
Yeah, I think you
should marry her.
You guys are in love, man.
That's the best.
(sighs)
You know, sometimes I don't
think I'll ever find someone.
I thought Diane was
going to be the one, but...
it turns out she wasn't.
Which was lucky for me
because if she had been
I just would have
ended up killing her
and dying in the electric chair.
That is lucky.
And Rebecca.
Well, we wanted to
have a baby together,
but that's no reason to
get serious about anyone.
You know, I used
to think I had it made.
You know, I-I got
my freedom, my bar,
goes without saying
I'm a love machine,
but recently, you know,
when I've been alone,
I kind of feel lonely.
Well, Sam, uh, you know,
Kelly and I are probably going
to have a big, beautiful
house someday
with, uh, you know,
a garden and swimming
pool and lots of servants,
and when you get too
old to take care of yourself,
you can come live with us.
Aw, that's sweet,
man, but I think I'll...
(chuckling): I think
I'll be able to manage.
Would I get my own room?
And now, he-ere's Johnny.
(applause) Thank you, folks.
Please don't suck up; I'm
leaving everything to Doc.
I don't know if you
know this or not,
but today is Doc
Severinsen's birthday.
(applause)
You really dressed up tonight.
Yeah, a little
something special.
If you think
that's in bad taste,
you ought to see him
in his real birthday suit.
(laughter)
Doc is so old...
Oh, my God, here it comes.
ALL: How old is he?
Yes. when he was a kid
he never blew out
candles on a birthday cake.
They didn't have fire yet.
(audience groans)
Ooh,
stay where you are.
Fortunately, folks,
in a situation like this,
the, uh, the band has
instructions to come over
and form a human
barrier in front of a star.
How did that line get on
the cue cards anyway?
I should have done that joke
with one of those big
blue dots covering my face.
Who wrote that joke anyway?
I-I wrote that joke
and it was great.
Pardon me?
The problem wasn't the
joke, the problem was you.
You botched it.
You botched my
joke, Johnny Carson!
Sit down, please. I'm
not going to sit down!
I wrote that joke.
Get your hands off me.
Is this the way you treat
your talent, Carson?!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the president of NBC.
(applause)
Excuse me.
With all due
respect, Mr. Carson,
you didn't tell my
son's joke correctly.
You're his mother?
Yes.
And I want you to tell it again
and this time put
a little life into it.
Audience, can you stand
to hear this joke again?
(applause)
Doc is so old...
ALL: How old is he?
When he was a kid he
never blew out candles
on a birthday cake.
They didn't have fire yet.
(audience groaning)
No, no, now tell it again and
this time hit the word "have."
And it wouldn't kill you to
turn on the applause sign.
Hit, hit, hit the word "have"?
Have.
Doc is so old...
ALL: How old is he?
When he was a kid he
never blew out candles
on a birthday cake.
They didn't have fire yet.
(cheering and applause)
You see, they heard
that joke three times
and they still laughed.
Now, don't tell me my
son doesn't know comedy.
You-You're a pretty
funny lady yourself.
Would you like to
come down and join me?
Ooh, I'd love that.
(cheering and applause)
Here, hold my purse.
Oh, this is so exciting.
(giggles)
CLIFF: Oh, yeah, there'll
be a lawsuit, that's for sure.
In a year, this is going to be
the Clavin Broadcasting Company.
Yep, his name is
in the computer.
And here's a flash...
He's a postal worker.
I can take your torture.
I'm not scared of you guys.
(applause over television)
My poor mother's out there.
CARSON: Thank you very much.
She had to watch her
only son being dragged off.
You've probably broken
that old woman's spirit.
Johnny, I want to
give you a little advice.
Mm-hmm.
When you retire, get
dressed every morning.
You don't want to sit around
all day in your pajamas.
You lose some dignity. Ah,
thank you, Mrs. Clavin.
Oh, please, call me Esther.
(whispering): Ma's with Johnny.
CARSON: Esther, how did your
son get this joke on in the first place?
A friend of Clifford's
arranged that.
Mm-hmm. In fact
he's here tonight.
Norman, come on
down, and bring my purse.
(applause and
cheering over television)
Listen, come on,
let's get out of here.
Ah, in a minute,
Norm, in a minute.
Normie, right here...
this is where
Johnny did my joke.
Yeah. (chuckles)
Yeah... this is probably
just the beginning, though.
I mean, who knows?
You know, Leno may see
it, uh, hire me as a writer,
in a few years, retire himself,
name me as his successor.
Come on, Cliffie,
let's... come on.
Go on, I'll meet you
outside. Come on.
(clears throat)
Ladies and gentlemen,
he-ere's Cliffie.
Feels, uh, feels
good, doesn't it?
(breathing heavily)
Sure does, Mr. Carson.
Now, get the hell out of
here before I call security.
Esther, does Spago's
Restaurant sound okay?
Nobody knows for
sure, Woody, but...
that's what I think
happens when you die.
Well, that's great, Sam,
especially the part about
the Snickers for breakfast.
a live studio audience.
Afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm!
Hey, Mr. P. How's
life in the big city?
Hey, what'd I tell you
about those fat jokes?
Uh, what's in the
box there, Norm?
Only my brand-new
Turbo Flex Airmasters
with the custom pump fit
and the night
reflector racing stripe.
Ah, whoa!
Ooh, look at that!
Major shoe.
And check out
the reflector, huh?
Wow, shines like
the Northern Lights.
Yep.
Get this... they
utilize a patented
ergonomic lever
propulsion design.
Uses your body's own
Achilles tendon as a fulcrum.
I read in Runner's World
that they can improve your
vertical leap by ten percent.
Try 12%, babe.
Ooh.
Ah, that's more than a shoe
there, Normie, that's a god.
And now, if you
gentlemen will just...
stand back for a second...
I'm gonna try these puppies out.
And we're off!
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Okay, Paulie, at 7:00 we
go over to Gary's, right?
Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute, you're
going over to Gary's bar?
Well, Sammy, big
heavyweight fight tonight...
He's got a satellite
dish, you don't.
You're deserting
me for that snake?
You're gonna give money
to the one guy I hate
more than anyone
else in the whole world?
'Course not, Sammy.
I'm gonna run a tab.
Sammy, we wouldn't go anywhere
if you had a satellite dish. Mm-hmm.
All right, all right, if it
means that much to you,
I will look into it, all right?
I, for one, am filled with
a sense of foreboding
when I contemplate
the future of a culture
whose primary
source of recreation
is watching more and
more mindless television.
Don't you agree, Frasier?
Now, why is Gilligan magnetized?
Because he was
struck by lightning.
Every time this episode
airs, you ask that question.
Sam?
Damn it, now, why is Cliff
having his personal
mail sent to my bar?
Well, when you've been
harassed by as many agents
of the government as Cliff
has, you naturally develop
a reluctance to give them
your own return address.
Ah, Cliffie got a letter
from The Tonight
Show in California.
Is he still trying to sell
jokes to Johnny Carson?
When's that poor
guy gonna give up.
He is... I hear he's leaving
the show at the end of May.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, Cliffie! Hey.
Sam, pour me a
cold one, will ya?
It's been a long day.
What's the problem, bub?
Eh, hard to say, I, uh,
just seem to have lost
the spring in my step.
Well, just pull one
out of your head.
Oh, hey, you got
a letter from NBC.
Aw, forget it... It's
just another rejection.
Oh, come on, now, how do
you know that? Aw, Sammy,
I'm just a plaything
of that fickle maiden
known as Miss Comedy.
Last night I went down to
The Laugh Tureen to gig.
Well, they wouldn't
let me go on.
It was amateur night...
They said I wasn't ready.
Cliff, you're not
going to give up.
With the current
sorry state of the world,
we need your humor
now more than ever.
Well, yeah, thank
you very much, Lilith.
You know, you've always
been my number one fan.
In fact, you've
been my only fan.
(laughing)
(Lilith continues laughing)
I wasn't joking.
Oh. I'm sorry.
It must have been the way
you instinctively time everything.
You can't learn that, you know.
Save your breath.
Nothing's gonna do me any good.
Aw, Cliff, why don't
you just go on back
and lie down on the pool table.
I think there's a game going on.
Everybody's a comedian.
Everybody except me.
REBECCA: Carla,
you hurt him.
Oh, thanks.
Well, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do,
I-I'm just gonna
open this letter.
Maybe it is good news.
I'm just so sick and tired
of everybody in this bar
having such a negative attitude.
I mean, you know,
good things do happen.
So, did they buy his joke?
(scoffs): Yeah,
what do you think?
"Mr. Clavin, thank you very much
"for your submission
to The Tonight Show.
"We will not be
using your material.
Enclosed is your submission."
Hey, what was it this time?
Let me put my beer down... I don't
want it coming through my nose.
"Today is Doc
Severinsen's birthday.
"You know, Doc is so
old, when he was a kid
"he never blew out
candles on his birthday cake.
They didn't have fire yet."
(laughing)
Lilith!
You can't possibly be
laughing at that terrible joke.
You don't find humor in the
exaggeration of a contemporary man
predating an event which
took place 45,000 years ago?
Well, had Cliff phrased it
like that, sure, hellzapoppin.
Poor Cliffie. I really kind of
hate to see him suffering like this.
CARLA: You know,
I think it's about time
we had Cliff put to sleep.
What? He had a
lot of good years.
There is one way
to cheer him up...
You know, we could
change this letter of rejection
to look like a letter
of acceptance.
It'd be pretty easy, actually.
So are you just gonna dismiss
my putting-him-to-sleep idea?
We're not even
gonna talk about it?
You know, all we have to do
is just white-out the word "not"
and... it looks like,
"we will be using
your submission."
You're pretty good
with that white-out stuff.
Sammy, I used to
be an accountant.
Many is the time this stuff
kept me out of Leavenworth.
I don't know, gentlemen.
Should we really encourage
Cliff in these flights of fancy?
I cite for an example his
Kennedy conspiracy theory.
I, for one, have never believed
the Beatles were involved.
Give the guy a break.
Okay? For once.
Cliffie! Cliffie come
out here. Yeah?
We opened your letter
from The Tonight Show.
Johnny loves the joke.
They're going to
use it on the show.
Oh, you're kidding.
Read it. Go ahead.
(muttering)
Hey! I did it! Ha-ha!
I did it! I, uh, I sold a
joke to Johnny Carson!
(laughs)
Oh, this is the happiest
moment of my life!
Well, take your
last look at Clifford
Clavin, letter carrier.
Yeah, when my
joke hits the airwaves,
I'm gonna start a new career.
Yep, it's going to be
Cliff Clavin, joke meister.
Doctor of Ha-Ha, the funny man.
Yeah,
I'm going to be hanging around
with a whole new
group of friends:
Oscar and Emmy.
Ciao.
Carla, what was your plan again?
Okay, so we tell him
he's getting a flu shot...
Hey, Sammy, look at this.
Here it is right here
in the classified.
You can buy a
used satellite dish
for 300 bucks,
install it yourself.
I don't know anything about
installing a satellite dish.
Oh, come on, Sam,
what's the big deal?
You clamp it to the roof
and you run a few wires down.
WOODY: I don't know, Carla.
My Uncle Skyler tried to do that
with a milking machine right
before an electrical storm.
Cows never forgave him for it.
It was worth it, though.
We had cottage cheese sandwiches
for a month, I'm telling you.
Hey, everybody. Guess what.
Cliff Clavin is off
to the entertainment
capital of the world...
The dream factory,
the land of glitz, glamour
and make-believe.
What, you're going
to Chucky Cheese?
No, Woody.
Going to Hollyweird, California.
Yeah, I've got
some nonrefundable
tickets here in my hand; they're
going to take me to Burbank.
And, uh, when Johnny Carson
delights America with my joke,
me and Ma are going to be
sitting there watching it live.
NORM: You know,
they write an awful
lot of jokes, Cliff.
Uh, just 'cause
they bought yours
doesn't necessarily
mean they're gonna use it.
Aw, geez, Norm, uh,
I'm a little confused here.
I guess you're the one
who is currently employed
as a writer for The Tonight
Show starring Johnny Carson.
You're right, Cliff.
I'm just saying you could
be setting yourself up
for a big fall here.
(laughs): Norm.
The only question is is whether
Johnny is going to invite me
to sit up there on
the couch next to him.
Oh, hey,
I'd better call Ma.
She'll be thrilled.
You've got to do something, man.
This has gone far enough.
I can't, Sammy.
I'm no good at giving bad news.
Oh, what are you talking about?
You told Vera about
losing all those jobs, right?
I'm gonna get to that,
when the time is right.
All right, I will.
I will. I will.
Uh, oh, boy. I was right.
She was tickled pink.
Yeah, the two places
she most wants to see
before she goes to the great
beyond is Formosa and Burbank.
Cliffie,
there's something I
have to tell you, buddy.
Oh, wait. Norm,
there's something
I got to tell you first.
Well... When I was
at the travel agency,
I got, uh, three nonrefundable
tickets to Burbank.
And guess whose
name is on the third one.
Please don't let it
be Norm Peterson.
Norm Peterson!
I'm going to California!
(Norm and Cliff cheering)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
I love working with my
hands, don't you, Sam?
Yeah, Woody, I do.
But not with any
mechanical stuff.
Hey, do you have any idea
how a satellite dish works?
You mean you don't?
Well, to be honest, no.
Well, you've got
a satellite up there.
How far up there?
Oh, about 72 million miles,
give or take a few light years.
And it's got
a gizmo up there so when
you send your TV stuff up there
it shoots it right back
down here to this baby.
Boy, you sure know a
lot about the world, Sam.
Oh, Woody, I'm an avid reader.
When you look up
there at all those stars
and all those galaxies...
you realize just how big
this satellite dish really is.
Boy, oh, boy.
This is something, isn't it, Ma?
Who would have believed it?
There it is, the couch,
the desk and the curtains.
Huh? Huh?
Listen, Cliff, um, before Johnny
starts his monologue,
there's something I
really want to tell you.
Oh, suddenly it's
Johnny, huh, Norm?
I mean, I work with the man
and I don't even get
to call him Johnny.
Anyway, before he
starts the monologue
I'd like to tell you
something, okay?
Hey, uh, Cliff Clavin.
I'm from Boston.
I, uh, wrote
tonight's monologue.
Really?
Then you know Johnny?
Well, does anybody
really know Johnny?
Hey, there's those
people we met in line.
I'm going to go over
and say howdy-do.
Norman, I want to thank you.
For what?
Well, I know Clifford
doesn't have many friends.
I remember that surprise
birthday party I organized
for him and you were the
only one who showed up.
Yeah.
Where were you, anyway?
I just forgot.
Mrs. Clavin, I have
a confession to make.
What do you mean?
The Tonight Show didn't
really accept Cliff's joke.
I got ahold of
the rejection letter
and I sort of changed it around to
make it look as if they accepted it.
Oh, my Lord.
I wanted to tell him earlier,
but it's been so long
since I've had a vacation
and Lord knows I've needed one.
Norman, you are a
naughty, naughty boy.
I'm sorry.
You're his best friend.
You've got to do something
or suffer the consequences.
Okay.
All right, uh, let me
see what I can do.
(clears throat)
Excuse me, buddy.
Uh, could I talk to
you for a minute?
What do you need?
Um, how would you like to
make a couple hundred bucks?
What are you talking about?
A friend of mine
wrote this joke,
and I was wondering
if you could, uh,
sort of slip it into Johnny
Carson's monologue.
Oh, sure, we do it all the time.
Most of Johnny's jokes
come from folks
just like yourself
in the audience
who offer us money.
I admit it's, it's a bad joke,
but the guy's entire
existence is riding on this.
This is a bad joke?
I mean a sure clunker?
Johnny will definitely
bomb with this?
I'm afraid so, yeah.
Well, I'm out of work
in a month anyway.
Jay Leno has his own people.
Let me see the joke.
Oh, great, thank you so much.
How much can I give you, huh?
Ah, don't worry about it.
Just buy me a
beer after the show.
Wherever you go,
people are the same.
Well, Woody, I think we did it.
I think we got
this thing working.
Sam.
Yeah?
You think there's a reason
for all these stars and
all these planets and...
for all of us being
here where we are?
Yeah, Woody, I do.
Well, would you happen
to know what that reason is?
Come on, man, I'm just proud
of myself for installing
this satellite dish.
Do you think I'm supposed
to marry Kelly, Sam?
I mean, do you think that's
what the plan is for me?
You getting cold feet, buddy?
Well, yeah, it is a
little chilly up here,
but I'm trying to
talk philosophical.
Yeah, I think you
should marry her.
You guys are in love, man.
That's the best.
(sighs)
You know, sometimes I don't
think I'll ever find someone.
I thought Diane was
going to be the one, but...
it turns out she wasn't.
Which was lucky for me
because if she had been
I just would have
ended up killing her
and dying in the electric chair.
That is lucky.
And Rebecca.
Well, we wanted to
have a baby together,
but that's no reason to
get serious about anyone.
You know, I used
to think I had it made.
You know, I-I got
my freedom, my bar,
goes without saying
I'm a love machine,
but recently, you know,
when I've been alone,
I kind of feel lonely.
Well, Sam, uh, you know,
Kelly and I are probably going
to have a big, beautiful
house someday
with, uh, you know,
a garden and swimming
pool and lots of servants,
and when you get too
old to take care of yourself,
you can come live with us.
Aw, that's sweet,
man, but I think I'll...
(chuckling): I think
I'll be able to manage.
Would I get my own room?
And now, he-ere's Johnny.
(applause) Thank you, folks.
Please don't suck up; I'm
leaving everything to Doc.
I don't know if you
know this or not,
but today is Doc
Severinsen's birthday.
(applause)
You really dressed up tonight.
Yeah, a little
something special.
If you think
that's in bad taste,
you ought to see him
in his real birthday suit.
(laughter)
Doc is so old...
Oh, my God, here it comes.
ALL: How old is he?
Yes. when he was a kid
he never blew out
candles on a birthday cake.
They didn't have fire yet.
(audience groans)
Ooh,
stay where you are.
Fortunately, folks,
in a situation like this,
the, uh, the band has
instructions to come over
and form a human
barrier in front of a star.
How did that line get on
the cue cards anyway?
I should have done that joke
with one of those big
blue dots covering my face.
Who wrote that joke anyway?
I-I wrote that joke
and it was great.
Pardon me?
The problem wasn't the
joke, the problem was you.
You botched it.
You botched my
joke, Johnny Carson!
Sit down, please. I'm
not going to sit down!
I wrote that joke.
Get your hands off me.
Is this the way you treat
your talent, Carson?!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the president of NBC.
(applause)
Excuse me.
With all due
respect, Mr. Carson,
you didn't tell my
son's joke correctly.
You're his mother?
Yes.
And I want you to tell it again
and this time put
a little life into it.
Audience, can you stand
to hear this joke again?
(applause)
Doc is so old...
ALL: How old is he?
When he was a kid he
never blew out candles
on a birthday cake.
They didn't have fire yet.
(audience groaning)
No, no, now tell it again and
this time hit the word "have."
And it wouldn't kill you to
turn on the applause sign.
Hit, hit, hit the word "have"?
Have.
Doc is so old...
ALL: How old is he?
When he was a kid he
never blew out candles
on a birthday cake.
They didn't have fire yet.
(cheering and applause)
You see, they heard
that joke three times
and they still laughed.
Now, don't tell me my
son doesn't know comedy.
You-You're a pretty
funny lady yourself.
Would you like to
come down and join me?
Ooh, I'd love that.
(cheering and applause)
Here, hold my purse.
Oh, this is so exciting.
(giggles)
CLIFF: Oh, yeah, there'll
be a lawsuit, that's for sure.
In a year, this is going to be
the Clavin Broadcasting Company.
Yep, his name is
in the computer.
And here's a flash...
He's a postal worker.
I can take your torture.
I'm not scared of you guys.
(applause over television)
My poor mother's out there.
CARSON: Thank you very much.
She had to watch her
only son being dragged off.
You've probably broken
that old woman's spirit.
Johnny, I want to
give you a little advice.
Mm-hmm.
When you retire, get
dressed every morning.
You don't want to sit around
all day in your pajamas.
You lose some dignity. Ah,
thank you, Mrs. Clavin.
Oh, please, call me Esther.
(whispering): Ma's with Johnny.
CARSON: Esther, how did your
son get this joke on in the first place?
A friend of Clifford's
arranged that.
Mm-hmm. In fact
he's here tonight.
Norman, come on
down, and bring my purse.
(applause and
cheering over television)
Listen, come on,
let's get out of here.
Ah, in a minute,
Norm, in a minute.
Normie, right here...
this is where
Johnny did my joke.
Yeah. (chuckles)
Yeah... this is probably
just the beginning, though.
I mean, who knows?
You know, Leno may see
it, uh, hire me as a writer,
in a few years, retire himself,
name me as his successor.
Come on, Cliffie,
let's... come on.
Go on, I'll meet you
outside. Come on.
(clears throat)
Ladies and gentlemen,
he-ere's Cliffie.
Feels, uh, feels
good, doesn't it?
(breathing heavily)
Sure does, Mr. Carson.
Now, get the hell out of
here before I call security.
Esther, does Spago's
Restaurant sound okay?
Nobody knows for
sure, Woody, but...
that's what I think
happens when you die.
Well, that's great, Sam,
especially the part about
the Snickers for breakfast.