Cheers (1982–1993): Season 10, Episode 23 - Bar Wars VI: This Time It's for Real - full transcript

Rebecca has been chosen as one of six Boston businesswomen to get a makeover for Redbook magazine. She's excited by it, but ultimately goes a little overboard with the makeover itself. ...

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hey, Cliffie. Hey, Norm.

How's your day? Oh, boring.

Nothing happens
in this burg anymore.

I know what you
mean. I am bored.

Ooh, ooh, look at that.

Look what we got here. What?

Look.

Oh, it's the film
critic at Channel 11.

No, it's the anchorman
at Channel Eight.

You want to, uh...
autograph? Yeah, yeah.



Uh, excuse me. Hey, uh...

Hi, guys. Hey.

How are you? Hey, uh,

we're really big fans of yours.

Yeah. Oh, well.

Can we get your autograph?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Uh, here,

let me get something
to write on. Need a pen?

Yeah. A full-service autograph.

What a guy!

Oh, yeah. You
know, I love that, uh,

that report you did
on that train wreck.

You know, they ought to get you



for 60 Minutes as an anchor.

No, I... I'm... Pulitzer Prize.

John Kerry, Senator Kerry.

From Massachusetts.
Oh, our Senator!

I'm sorry, man.

I'm-I'm so sorry. Sir.

We didn't mean to bother
you. Sorry to bother you.

Hey, wait, Norm,

maybe he knows Senator
Gopher from The Love Boat.

Hey, yo! Hey!

Hey! Wait, Senator Kerry!

(theme song begins)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Say, uh, Norm,

want to go back and,
uh, shoot some stick?

Oh, I'd love to,
Cliffie, but I'm busy

talking on the phone with Vera.

Huh? Which reminds me.

Uh, what are you talking about?

I'm listening to
every single word.

Got this down to a science.

Give me a refill, please, Woody.

REBECCA: Hey, everybody!

I have the most wonderful news.

You got a job?

I have a job. Oh.

I'm sorry.

I confused having a job

with being paid to
actually do something.

It spins just the same, Carla.

I just got

a call from Redbook magazine,

and I have been selected

as one of the six
Boston businesswomen

to get a full beauty makeover.

And the final results
will be in their next issue.

Oh, that's too bad.

I always liked Redbook.

Rebecca, I can't possibly think

why you would need a makeover.

You're always
impeccably dressed.

You're constantly

alluring without
being overstated.

Well, thank you, Frasier.

Your eye makeup gives
you a certain feline quality.

It's irresistible. Mm.

And I can't see how anyone
could possibly improve

on the way your hair
cascades down your face

in that peekaboo fashion.

Much like my own darling Lilith.

Speak of the devil!

Not that you're
a devil, of course.

Just, uh, the total opposite.

In fact, you're the complete
opposite of the devil.

You're i.e., an angel.

There's no need to
be nervous, Frasier.

It's perfectly natural for you

to be attracted to other women.

It shows you have
a, a healthy sex drive.

I'm attracted to other men.

Oh, no, not this game again.

Let's see, where shall I begin?

Yowsa!

So Miss Howe's
gonna be in Redbook.

Well, what is that?

Some kind of fashion magazine?

Oh, no, no.

It's, uh, more than a
fashion magazine, Woody.

It, it's about today's women.

You know, who they are,

uh, their wants, their needs.

Cliffie, you read Redbook?

I don't so much
as read it, Norm.

I, uh, I do take some
of the quizzes, though.

Would you believe

that I'm actually
autumn complected?

Hey, guys, you're
not gonna believe this.

Gary sold The Olde Towne Tavern.

No! Get out!

SAM: No kidding.

He sold it to this
guy named Frank.

Uh, runs a bunch
of bars in other cities.

He's already in.

Wait a minute. This means that

any bar tab run under
the previous management

would automatically
be null and void, right?

You have a bar tab at Gary's?

Not anymore, Sam.

Oh, no more Gary's?

I can't believe that!

You know, in a way, I'm
gonna really miss that guy.

Miss him? You kidding me? Yeah.

Worst thing that
ever happened to me.

I've never been
happier to see a guy go.

Aw, come on, Sam.

Nah, he was terrible.

He even turned you guys,

my good friends, against me.

Huh? You remember Halloween?

Oh. When you convinced me

that I killed the man?

Ha ha. (laughs)

Yeah, you hate to see
the great ones retire.

Boy, without Gary,
what's left for us, huh?

So, huh, what do you think?

You ready to start a
rivalry with the, uh, new bar?

What are you talking about?

Yeah. Come on.

It's a golden opportunity.

We can win this time.

We can steal all
of Gary's best ideas

and use 'em
against this new guy.

And you remember how
Gary's always going first?

We can learn from that.

We can move first ourselves.

Very good, Sam.

As that famous prankster

Santayana once said,

"Those who do not
learn from history

are condemned to repeat it."

You got that right,
Doctor Crane.

Back in high school
I was condemned

to repeat History three times.

By the way, the same
goes for Mathematics.

Come on, come on.

What do you say we
show this Frank guy

there's another bar in town?

Do we really want
to let ourselves in

for that kind of
humiliation again?

Sure!

Oh, no, no, Sam, I
think Normie's right.

I mean, if there's one
thing Gary taught us

it's that we're nothing
but a bunch of losers.

Yeah, but the new
guys don't know that.

Well, let's show 'em, huh?

Yeah!

Okay, I'll be right back.

Okay. (gasps)

Look at me! Lilith, look at me!

Isn't this exciting? Yes.

Every so often people
need to recreate themselves.

And frequently the metamorphosis
has very positive results.

You should've seen

what I looked like
back in my college days.

Bowwow!

So, Rebecca, you're
having a makeover, huh?

Yes.

You know, uh, I don't
understand. I mean,

if there was ever a person
who didn't need a makeover,

it's you.

I think you're perfect
just the way you are.

Oh, well, thank you, Paul.

Boobs, too, or just the face?

Just the face.

Eh.

(Norm chuckles)

I assume you've just come

from the new Olde Towne Tavern.

Yeah, we went for
an often used stunt,

but one that's sure
to bring a smile.

(laughs) We teepeed the
whole front of the place.

And how will they know

that you're the dastardly
ones that did the deed?

LILITH: Good question.

Could have been the
Mensa chapter from M.I.T.

Ah, we soaped their windows

"Regards from your
friends at Cheers."

NORM: Yeah, and
I threw a few packs

of "Cheers" matches
with our address in there.

I stuck my head in the door
and yelled, "Cheers rules!"

SAM: Yeah, if they

can't figure that out,

they're the
stupidest bar in town.

Ooh, I wouldn't
go that far, Sam.

So all we got to do now is, uh,

sit back and see what
these guys are made out of.

Yeah, I can't wait to see

what weenie retaliation
Frank comes up with, huh?

Yeah, yeah, it'll be the
standard novice stuff.

You know, rubber
rat behind the bar

or something. Yeah,
stealing the sign out front.

Having 20 pizzas delivered.

Oh! Yeah, whatever it is,

there won't be any
imagination connected to it.

These guys are rookies.

They'll just come up
with something pathetic.

(explosion)

(loud thudding)

Well, we better
get this cleaned up

before the pizza arrives.

I'm here to take some
pictures of the wreckage.

Oh, she's way over there.

So, uh, you're a Redbook
photographer, huh? Mm-hmm.

How'd you manage to
land this assignment?

Mouthed off to
one of the editors.

OFFICER: So, uh, Mr. Malone,

do you have any idea
who could have done this?

Yeah, I do.

The new owner of Gary's
Olde Towne Tavern.

A guy named Frank.

See, what happened is
we went over, you know,

in the spirit of gamesmanship,

and I gave him the old
welcome to the neighborhood.

Teepeed their bar.

FRASIER: Yeah, we considered

plastic explosives
on their front door,

but thought, "Nah, too funny."

Do you have any idea who
you're dealing with here?

What do you mean?

How do I explain it to you? Um,

this guy Frank is
kind of "connected,"

if you know what I mean.

Wow, he wears a pacemaker?

Oh, now I really

feel bad.

No, no, you don't understand.

His full name is Frank

"The Angel of Death" Carpaccio.

This guy's associated

with some very bad individuals.

You're kidding me!

I'm afraid not.

Oh, my God!

We just teepeed a mob bar.

If you want, Mr. Malone,

I suppose you can press charges.

Of course, I saw
some pictures of people

who pressed charges
against Mr. Carpaccio

and his associates
on different occasions.

It turned my stomach.

Wait'll you get next
month's Redbook.

Uh, look,

it'd probably be a good idea

to just let the whole thing
rest, you know what I mean?

Yeah, thanks, yeah. Oh,

uh, one other thing.

Uh, we're not gonna be
much help to you here.

You see, uh, we're
all scared of the guy,

and we pretty much let
him do whatever he wants.

Boy, I feel safer with
those guys around.

Oh, holy mother!

What have we done?

Oh, come on. We
didn't know, Carla.

You don't understand, Sam.

This is not gonna end here.

I mean, these guys
are new in town.

They're gonna want to
make examples of all of us.

If I may interject,

I think you've all seen too
many Godfather movies.

I agree. Should
have stopped at two.

That notwithstanding,

I don't think we should

run off in a panic here.

Don't you see what we're doing?

We're stereotyping these people

and letting our irrational
fears convince us

that they intend to
do us bodily harm

in some cold-blooded fashion.

Now, with that said,

I will bid you all a fond
adieu for a couple of weeks.

Lilith,

Frederick and I are
going on vacation.

What are you talking about?

Oh, don't you remember

that trip we talked about,
dear? We didn't plan a trip.

Oh, it'll all come
back to you in the cab.

Let's go. Come on.
But I need my briefcase.

No, leave it, woman! Move! Oh!

CARLA: Look, Sam,

I know these people. Okay?

I mean, it's one thing to
be into them for money.

They got a sense
of humor about that.

But it's another thing

to humiliate them like we did.

I mean, they're not
gonna forget about this.

Oh, you know, Carla's right.

The only thing we can do is

go over and apologize to Frank

"The Angel of Death"
Carpaccio. Nah, Cliffie,

that's not gonna do it.

We have to go over
there and beg like dogs.

Okay. SAM: Oh,
no, wait a second,

wait a second. NORM: What?

I just had a thought here.

What? Who would
like to see us beg

more than anyone
else in the whole world?

Sammy, you don't suppose

Vera's behind this
whole thing, do you?

No, I'm talking about Gary.

Gary? Yeah.

What do you mean?
Well, think about it.

I mean, the guy sells
his bar and disappears.

The guy who buys it all of
a sudden moves in instantly.

I mean, come on,
we're being set up.

We're a bunch of suckers.

You think? Yeah.

Remember Halloween?

The guy crawled into
a coffin, you know,

and pretended to be dead

just to scare the
bejeebers out of me.

(Woody laughing)

Yeah, I'm glad we
got that on tape.

(laughing)

You got that on tape?

I'm talking out of turn.

I-I-I get this, I get this.

You mean, we go over to
Gary's crying like babies,

and Gary jumps out of the
wall laughing his head off.

How many times does Gary
have to make us look like jerks

before we wise up, huh?

Well, you know,
there's some things

you just can't put a number on.

Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it now.

You mean when
all is said and done,

at the end of this, I'm still
going to have a tab at Gary's?

Yes, Norm.

That bastard, let's get him.

I got an idea.

Why don't we just play
along with this, huh?

Why don't we go over
there and, uh, "apologize?"

Yeah, I see what you mean.

We apologize to him.

Yeah. Yeah, that's right,

apologize in a big way.

ALL: Yeah.

Apologize like he's never
been apologized to before.

ALL: Yeah.

This is great.

What are we doing?

I'll explain it to
you later, Woody.

Yeah, well, uh, can we
keep talking in these voices?

Hey, Mr. Krapence,

tell Miss Howe we'll
be back after a while.

Boy, every time I
set foot in this place,

it gives me the creeps.

ALL: Norm!

How do they know you in here?

Hey, Sammy closes
on Christmas morning.

Okay?

Excuse me, uh, is
Mr. Carpaccio around?

Oh, Gary went all
the way, didn't he?

Look at that guy.

Dark shirt, shiny suit, jewelry.

If you want to get a girl,
you got to know how to dress.

Uh, fellas?

Excuse me, uh, Mr. Carpaccio?

Yeah, what is it?

My name's Sam Malone, sir.

We're from Cheers.

Oh, yeah.

You're a bunch of funny
guys over there, aren't you?

Uh, yeah, about that, sir,
we're here to apologize.

You are?

Oh, yes, sir, you see, uh,

we had this kind
of friendly rivalry

with the previous owner, Gary,

and, you know, we
just thought we'd try

to start a little something
with you, that's all.

We didn't mean any harm by it.

Well, Mr. Malone,

I appreciate your coming
down here to tell me this.

Shows you got respect.

I didn't scare you

too much, did I?

(laughs)

Yes, sir, you know,

it'll take much more
than an exploding door

to, uh, scare off
Clifford Clavin.

Well, what about that clown

at the car wash?

I'm a little bit frightened
of clowns, okay?

It's normal.

Well, the incident is
forgotten; it never happened.

Thank you very much.

Now, that's a load off
our minds, isn't it? Yeah.

Say, you're the, uh,

barmaid over there,
aren't you, at Cheers?

Yeah, I am. Hey,

you know, we need
a new one over here.

We had one, but, uh, she
was a big blabbermouth.

(laughs)

Sorry, I got a job.

SAM: Actually, you
know, we were thinking,

this being a new business
and all, we thought,

you know, maybe you could
use a few extra customers.

Just to show you we're not, uh,

having any hard
feelings here, we thought

we'd fill the place up for you.

You know who's really
a thirsty bunch, Sam?

Firemen.

Oh, that's a good idea, firemen.

Now, how can we get
firemen in here in a hurry?

You just leave it to me.

(alarm ringing)

How's that, Gary,
wet enough for you?

ALL: ♪ Singing in the rain... ♪

CARPACCIO: Hey,
what the hell is this?!

You people don't know who
you're fooling around with!

You're dead!

You're dead, do you hear me?

Your family... dead!

Your friends... dead!

Your pets... dead!

Dead, dead, dead!

(door opens)

Well, I understand
congratulations are in order.

You beat Gary at his own game.

Gee, I...

wish I could have been
there with you when you did it.

Well, maybe you could have
if you hadn't run out of here

with your tail
between your legs.

Well, Carla, in my profession

we encourage people
to go with their feelings,

and at that time my feelings

were stark, gibbering terror
and borderline incontinence.

Oh, that's all right,
Dr. Crane, we all get scared.

For example, when Mr. Clavin

sees that clown
outside the car wash,

he starts screaming
at the top of his lungs.

I got a phobia, okay?

Let me tell you a story here

about a sweet
little eight-year-old

called Cliff Clavin.

On his eighth birthday,
his ma hires a clown.

Great idea, right?

Except for one thing.

None of the other kids show up.

So here I am with this
clown for five hours.

Just me and him,
back and forth...

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."

I keep screaming,
"Enough, enough,"

but, no, Ma wanted to
get her money's worth.

(door opens)

Excuse me, are you Sam Malone?

Yeah,

what can I do for you?

I'm Inspector Hanson.

Agent Carmichael, FBI.

We have some business with
you regarding a Frank Carpaccio.

Oh, man, Gary doesn't
give up, does he?

(laughs)

How do we, uh, know you
gentlemen are from the FBI, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

That's the real McCoy,
all right, Sammy.

It's not like the one I
got down at the mall.

We've been conducting
an investigation

into the activities
of Mr. Carpaccio,

also known as "The
Angel of Death."

Well, wait a minute.
What are you telling me?

Are you telling me this
guy's a legitimate criminal?

I've spent five years in
court trying to prove that.

Only every time I get close,

my star witness ends
up in some warehouse

dangling from a meat hook.

Well, I'd love to stay and chat,

but I'm wasting
precious vacation time.

CARMICHAEL: Anyway,
yesterday evening,

we made a recording
of a conversation

in which Mr. Carpaccio
threatened you, Mr. Malone,

along with several
other unidentified people,

whose lives are
all in danger now.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Wait a minute. What does
this have to do with us?

Well, we'd like
all of you to testify

against Mr. Carpaccio in court.

Excuse me.

What? What are you doing?

Look, if I can get to
confession fast enough,

maybe I can get capped
in a state of grace.

Carla, come on,
that's not gonna help.

Look, Sam, they want us to sing
against this guy in court, okay?

We'll all be dead.

Us? What about our pets?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

What are we gonna do?

It's all your fault,
Peterson. What?

You're the one who
wanted us to go back there.

Yeah, but Carla pulled
the damn fire alarm!

Hey, don't blame me!

Sam's the one who
made us buy the umbrellas.

Hey, Norm choreographed
the stupid number!

It took a team of
four men 12 hours,

but I think I'm worth it.

What do you think?

About what?

About me! About
the new way I look.

Hey, honey, we're a
little busy right now.

Do you mind?

I mean, we just found out
that we insulted a mob boss

and he's threatened to kill us.

We could be in a little
bit of trouble right now.

But I'm blonde. See?

You don't get it,
do you, Rebecca?

This isn't a game.
We could all get killed.

Yeah, but look. Even
my roots are blonde.

Rebecca, would you just
shut up for a second, please?

All right, fine.

I'll just go show people
who are less self-absorbed.

Hey, everybody, look
at me! Look at me!

Listen, people, we've
got to act quickly here.

We're moving in on Carpaccio
sometime during the week.

In the meantime, we'll
have to relocate all of you

until he's safely behind bars.

We have to get
moving right away.

There's a bus outside.

What about my kids?

Well, we'll assign an
agent to take care of them.

Will he have a gun?

Oh, yes, he will.

Then he's got a fighting chance.

Let's go, people!

No, wait a minute, wait
a minute. I'm not going.

What do you mean?

Listen, this is, this
is my whole life.

You know, I've worked
too long and too hard

to give up everything
that's important to me.

You're taking quite
a risk, Mr. Malone.

I-I can't live my life in fear.

Well, we all can.
And time's a-wasting.

Let's go.

Hold it, hold it.

If Sam's not going,
I'm not going either.

What?

Oh, Woody, wait a second.

I, I can't let you
take that risk.

As long as you understand, Sam.

Let's make tracks, folks.

This is it?

Where's the agent
supposed to meet us?

Maybe we'd better get
back on the bus, huh?

Hey. Hey!

Whoa! Whoa!

The last bus of the day.

Swell.

I'm freezing.

I'm hungry.

I'm thirsty.

Guy wouldn't let me
take my beer on the bus.

Yeah, we know that, Norm.

You only said it about
a thousand times.

Well, he wouldn't.

(phone rings)

Must be the agent.

Hello?

Carla, hi!

Sam?

How you doing?

Terrible!

We're stuck out here in
the middle of nowhere,

waiting for someone
to pick us up.

You're all alone?

Yeah, for about 200 miles.

Wow! Is it cold?

Yeah, Sam, I'm
cold. I'm freezing.

I'm thinking about
hugging Clavin.

Boy, what a shame.

Hey, listen, honey, you
remember, uh, last Halloween

when you guys pulled
that hilarious stunt on me

making me think
that Gary was dead

and that I was
responsible for it?

Yeah.

Well...

gotcha!

Now let me get
this straight, Sam.

This, this was all your doing?

(laughing)

The exploding door
and all that damage

that you did to your own bar?

(laughing)

The expense of paying
all the people involved?

The bus fare to get your stooges

all the way out to North Dakota?

It cost me a fortune!

I had to take out a loan!

(laughing)

I'll be paying it
off for ten years!

(laughing)

Well, I guess the joke
certainly is on them, isn't it?

CLIFF: Boy, he really rubbed
our noses in it, didn't he?

CARLA: You got to love the guy.

NORM: I'm a better
person just knowing him.

WOODY: Well, at least out
here we're safe from that mob guy.

NORM: No, no, Woody.

Let me explain it to
you one more time.