Cheers (1982–1993): Season 10, Episode 22 - Rebecca's Lover... Not - full transcript
Prior to their wedding, Kelly wants to get to know all of Woody's friends. She's been spending quality time with them at the bar. They all have their own reason for liking Kelly around. Sam's beloved Corvette has been stolen, after which he starts a support group for people who have had their high performance cars stolen. The group is beneficial to Sam and to the others in the group, but its usefulness becomes moot for Sam when something more beneficial happens. And something beloved returns to Rebecca's life, namely Mark Newberger, her high school boyfriend and her first real love. Rebecca is excited to see Mark again, even more so after the fact as it supports what she thought she would feel: that Mark is and was the one man for her, the one she shouldn't have let get away and the one she won't let get away now that she has this second chance with him. But what is obvious to the rest of the world isn't obvious to Rebecca in why a Mark/Rebecca coupling is never going to happen. In her oblivion, Rebecca pursues Mark like a banshee.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Woody.
I hear that you and Kelly
are having a hard time
getting a wedding ring.
That's right, Carla.
They're pretty
expensive, you know.
Yeah. That's what I thought.
And you know, I'm not
gonna be able to afford
to get you kids the kind of
present you really deserve,
so, on the way over here
I stopped by my bank, and, uh,
I took this out of my
safety deposit box.
Oh, Carla, that's a beaut!
Yeah, I know.
It's solid silver.
It's been in my
family for years.
My great uncle Amerigo
gave it to my great aunt Sophia,
and then I was gonna
give it to my youngest girl,
but she inherited
the Tortelli knuckles.
Oh, Carla, I
could never take it.
Oh, Woody, I-I
want you to have it.
Well, at least let me
give you something for it.
I have $500 in my budget.
Well, if it makes
you feel better.
Well, you know, the thing is,
uh, Kelly really prefers gold.
Oh.
Well, I got it in gold, too.
Perfect.
Hey, does she need any earrings?
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm!
Oh, hey, Mr. Peterson,
that's quite a haircut.
Yeah, well, they're only
halfway done, Woody.
I got a little thirsty.
You know what I mean?
Give me a beer.
Hi, Woody.
Oh, hey, Kelly. What
are you doing here?
I wanted to spend the afternoon
with Mr. Peterson
and Mr. Clavin.
Boy, you've been
spending a lot of time
with them lately. What's up?
I thought it would
be a good idea
for me to get to
know your friends.
Why?
Because when we get married,
and you turn to
me and say, "Kelly,
I'm gonna spend a
night on the town,"
and I burst into
tears and ask you
to spend just one
night at home, and
you say, "I'm gonna
be with my friends,"
well, I want to know
who those friends are.
Boy, could I sing a
couple bars of that.
So, what do you guys talk about?
Oh, the usual.
How the Celtics
need a point guard,
the Sox need pitching,
the fact that there's an
exact replica of the earth
on the other side of the
sun that we can never see.
Wow. Really?
The Sox need pitchers?
Well, on this earth.
Anyway, Woody, if
you'll excuse me now,
one of your friends is gonna
teach me how to play pool.
Oh, which one?
I don't remember his name, but
he's the man from the CIA
who trains the Green Berets.
Let's go, tootsie. We're up.
Do you realize
it's been 18 years
since we've seen each other?
Me, too. I can't wait.
Okay. Bye-bye.
You'll never guess who that was.
Your dental hygienist?
Come on. Be serious. Guess.
Okay, I'll be serious.
I don't really care.
(scoffs)
Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway.
It was Mark Newberger.
We have not seen each
other since graduation night.
Oh, Mark Newberger.
We met doing The Bad Seed
in our sophomore production.
He was my first boyfriend.
I really loved him.
Maybe he was the only
guy I've ever really loved.
I don't know why I gave him up.
Oh, I guess I wanted to
go off to college and be free,
that whole deal.
I don't know. What an idiot.
Why would I ever give him up?
Nobody's listening to you.
I am trying to pretend
like I have a friend, okay?
Wait. What am I saying?
I do have a friend. I
don't need to pretend.
Mark Newberger is back,
and he's better than
any friend you have!
I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening.
Anybody in here know this guy?
Sam! My God, what's the matter?
We found him out in
the middle of the street
staring at an empty
parking space,
muttering to himself,
shouting at people.
SAM: My corvette!
They stole my 'Vette!
Frasier, have you
seen my 'Vette?
Oh, Sam, I'm afraid not.
Well, Sam, stop by the
station house sometime
and fill out a report.
Then you'll give
me my 'Vette back!
Whatever you say.
Oh, God.
I left it outside!
What was I thinking?
I should have stayed with it!
Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, Normie,
I'm gonna miss that car.
Here, take a look at that.
Wow. That's you next
to Sammy's 'Vette.
Yeah.
Truth be told, I, uh... I
tell the ladies it's mine.
Yeah.
Wait. That's not even your body.
It's Sammy's body with
your head superimposed.
Yeah, you'd be surprised
what Ma can do in a darkroom.
Yeah. Yeah, we got one of,
uh, me at the Yalta conference.
Yeah.
You-You should see the
look that Churchill's giving me.
Oh. Oh. Oh!
I suppose one of us ought to
go over and cheer Sammy up.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Well, I'll do it. I, uh...
I got a flair for
this kind of thing.
You just, uh, stay there
and drink your beer.
Okay. We all have to play
to our strengths, I guess.
Oh, Sammy.
Sammy, Sam, Sammy.
Gee, you know, I, uh,
heard about the bad news.
I'm really sorry, pal.
It's, uh, terrible
what these guys do.
You know, they, uh,
just pluck your car
right up off the
street and take it
to what's, uh, commonly
known as a chop shop.
Yeah, where they
unceremoniously
dismantle it, and after that,
the felons take an
acetylene torch, and, uh,
just methodically cut the frame
into little, tiny pieces.
Cliff, do you really
think any of this helps?
Well, it sure as heck keeps
the car from being traced, Sam.
(raspy voice): Uh, hi.
I'm looking for Rebecca Howe.
She's over there.
Rebecca?
My God, Rebecca,
you're beautiful!
Who'd have ever thought
that you would've developed
into this gorgeous creature?!
No, Mark! Over here!
Rebecca, you
haven't changed a bit!
My God, look at that hair!
If you had any more,
I could get you listed as
an endangered species!
Well, come on, turn
around, turn around.
Let me see. Let me see.
Oh, I like it. More to love.
Me? What about you?!
Hey, I'm bulking
up for the Olympics.
(laughs) You'll
never guess what.
I finally gave up smoking.
Oh, I can tell. Your voice
sounds so much better.
Sam?
Sam, I want you
to meet somebody.
Sam, this is Mark Newberger.
Mark Newberger,
this is Sam Malone.
Sam owns the bar.
Let me go get some of
my other friends. Okay.
Hey, guys, guys, I want to
introduce you to somebody!
Somebody stole my car.
Oh, I've been there.
Yeah? Really?
Yeah, my ex-lover.
First he stole my heart,
then he stole my car.
He?
Aren't you supposed to
be Rebecca's old flame?
Well, I'm not that old.
Thank God he didn't
steal the water bed,
the lying little tramp.
Meow!
Like you were there.
REBECCA: Mark,
I want you to
meet all my friends.
All right, this is
Dr. Sternin-Crane,
our resident researcher.
This is Cliff Clavin,
our resident trivia expert.
This is Norm Peterson,
our... resident.
Uh, this is Woody, the bartender
and Carla, the waitress.
And what do you do,
Rebecca? (whispering): Shut up!
Thought I could trick
her into telling us.
Oh, Lilith, I feel
so victimized.
I feel so angry.
I don't know what to do.
Well, actually, Sam,
this is precisely how
victim support
groups got started.
People who were suffering
and unable to cope found
they felt better
if they were able to
share those feelings.
Well, maybe I should try to
get in one of those groups.
I wonder if they have
a group for people
who have had high-performance
automobiles stolen.
You had a car stolen? Yeah.
What kind was it?
'64 Corvette.
'57 Tee-Bird two
weeks ago today.
Oh, man.
Does it still
really hurt inside?
Sometimes more than others.
Like, when I'm late for work,
and I run out of the house
and try and jump in it.
Just end up in
the gutter weeping.
Oh, man, I hear you, I hear you.
It just isn't fair.
Oh, no kidding.
You know, when bad things
happen to good-looking people.
Oh, here's you in glee club.
Captain of the debate team.
Mm-hmm. Oh, Mark, you...
Oh, look, Water Polo Champion.
Oh.
Head of the prom committee.
Most likely to succeed.
Are you in there, Miss Howe?
Well, sure I am. Here.
I... I know I am.
Wait. There. Oh, yes.
Yes, there's my
elbow on protest day.
Oh.
What were you protesting?
Oh, I-I don't know.
The war, cafeteria
food, the bomb.
Uh, it's just a real
neat way to meet kids.
Look at this.
18 years old...
Ready to graduate
and take on the world.
Wait a minute.
You graduated from high
school when you were 18?
What, did Daddy
pull some strings?
(gasps)
Look at this! Look,
look, look, look, look!
Here's our production
of South Pacific.
Oh, Mark, you were the most
powerful Emile de Becque.
Oh, and you were a great...
one of the nurses that
washed Nellie Forbush's hair.
Hey, Kelly, how's
it going back there?
Oh, fine. I just came
out to get myself a soda
and some suds for the Philster.
Kelly, why are you doing this?
I want Woody's
friends to like me.
Did you buy them a round? Yes.
You'll never get rid of them.
You know, Carla,
you're the only one
of Woody's friends
that I haven't
spent time with yet.
Let's you and I
have a chat, hmm?
I'd better put on
my thinking cap.
Oh, doll, I have got to run.
Kiss, kiss.
Oh, Mark, so soon?
Yeah. Well, I found
this great apartment,
but the rent is sky-high, so
I'm interviewing roommates.
This could be exhausting.
Later.
So that was the
old boyfriend, huh?
(sighing): Yeah.
Can you believe it?
How could I have been so stupid?
I should have seen it
way back in high school.
Well, we all have
our blind spots.
Yeah. This one was just
staring me right in the face.
He is the perfect man for me.
I think this is the man
that I'm gonna marry!
(clapping)
Mr. Peterson.
Yeah? It's your
barber on the phone,
and he says it's been two days.
He wants to know when
you're coming back.
What should I tell him?
Tell him what I tell Vera.
Uh, he'll be home
after one more.
Yeah, I'll tell
you, Cliffie, uh,
when it comes to photography,
your ma's quite a hotshot.
Yeah, yeah, she's pretty good.
Uh, you like this one, huh?
Yeah.
That's me planting Old
Glory on the lunar surface.
Here's my favorite.
It's you getting
hitched to Princess Di.
Yeah, what a day that was.
Excuse me, is this where
the victim support
group is meeting?
Yeah, right over
by the office there.
I'll be right with you.
There you go.
Sam, uh, am I to understand
that you took it upon yourself
to form a victim support group?
I think that's an
excellent idea.
Well, actually, it
was Lilith's idea.
It'll never work,
I hope you know.
You Tom's friend?
Oh, yeah, I'm, uh, Kirby,
1967 vinyl covered hardtop,
sun fire yellow, 427
high performance engine.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hi, hi, I'm Sam, I spoke
to you on the phone.
'64 ragtop, black
interior, rally red
with, uh, knock-off hubs.
Good to know you, man.
Yeah.
This is '70
Cutlass Supreme convertible,
uh, white interior
with overdrive.
I'm sorry, I'm not very good
with names... what's your name?
Sam. Sam, right.
Shall we?
Honey, come on, sweetheart.
We... we got the
office here, thank you.
Sorry.
I'm almost ready
for my big date.
Hey, guys.
Don't wait up for me.
Nudge, nudge,
wink, wink. (laughs)
If she was only a...
horse with a broken
leg or something,
we could shoot her.
Well, hey, Norm, Norm, Normie,
we... we've got to tell her.
Come on.
One of us has got
to tell her... let's go.
One, two, three.
All right!
My rock smashes your scissors.
Oh, no, not these scissors, pal.
What?
This is a, uh, special
titanium steel alloy...
Oh, give me a break!
Developed by NASA
for the space program.
These scissors would smash
your rock to smithereens, pal.
No, no, no, not this
rock... this rock happens
to be Kryptonite, from
the planet Krypton.
Oh, for crying out... Maybe
you've heard of it, huh?
Sounds to me like you guys
are trying to get
out of telling her.
Oh, well, gee, Woody,
if you're so brave,
why don't you, uh, go
back there and tell her?
All right, I will.
'Cause you know what?
That's what friends do.
They look out for each other.
If one friend knows something
that another friend needs
to know, then he lets them
know, even if it's difficult.
That's what
friendship is all about.
What am I supposed to tell her?
Tell her that her
friend, Mark, is gay.
(laughing): Oh, I
could never tell her that.
Okay.
Hey, girls,
here's a little trick
I learned in high school.
You put on your lipstick...
then you powder them.
That way, when
you're making out,
you don't get the
lipstick all over the boy.
(giggles) Aha.
Rebecca,
I believe you're laboring
under a misconception...
Oh, no, Lilith.
Rebecca, you see, what Lilith
is trying to say is that...
the powder isn't gonna
keep the lipstick off the boy,
but if he really cares,
he's not gonna mind.
Yeah. Yeah.
So just go on out
and have a great time.
Oh, thank you, guys!
Bye!
Why didn't you let me tell her?
'Cause it would be wrong.
It-It's not our place
to interfere with
their personal lives.
That's why they're
called "personal lives."
It's not our place to play God.
Well, actually, I pulled
down 60 big ones
last year playing God,
but I see your point.
And I owe you an apology.
I actually thought you
didn't want to tell her
so that she would be humiliated,
at which point you
would make fun of her.
See how wrong you were?
(door closes)
How was your date
last night, Rebecca?
Get lucky?
(laughing)
Okay, let's talk some
more about how we feel
about having our cars stolen.
Alice, you want to start off?
I feel empty.
Okay.
Empty, how?
Like...
a Crock-Pot?
Let me... let me just respond
to what Alice just said,
you know, that...
that Crock-Pot thing.
Yeah, yeah, that's me.
Sometimes when I'm
walking down the street,
I think I see my car out
of the corner of my eye.
Let me, let me just say
something here, you...
That... that "corner
of the eye" thing...
yeah, that's me.
Guys, you... I just thought
of something, you know.
I mean, maybe our cars
weren't actually stolen.
Maybe... maybe they
were just towed by the city
and it's... and it's
taking them time to...
to process the paperwork
and, you know...
and, uh...
(sobbing)
I think what Kirby's
going through here
is what they call denial.
(crying): I feel so silly!
Oh, no, man, come on,
don't say that, don't be...
This is not silly;
this is beautiful.
This is what it's all about.
You know, I think it's true.
Suffering does
bring people together.
I tell you, I feel very
close to you all right now.
I-I just want to say I...
I treasure our friendship.
(knock at door)
Hey, Sam.
Police called... They
just found your car.
Okay, meeting's over.
That was a great dinner tonight.
I haven't had osso
buco that good in years.
What the hell is
osso buco anyway?
You don't want to know.
Mark, I-I had the
greatest evening tonight.
Well, we're gonna
have a lot of great nights.
I want to pick up
right where we left off.
Do you want to start right now?
Sure. Okay.
You just make
yourself comfortable,
and I'll be right back.
I feel like we're
in high school again, don't you,
Marcus Aurelius?
Yes, I do, Beckus Aurelius.
You remembered my Latin name.
Well, how could I forget?
You're the one who got me
through Mr. Vincent's
Latin class.
(Rebecca gasps)
Oh, Mr. Vincent... I
forgot all about him.
Oh, God, I had such a crush
on that man.
(softly): Who didn't?
Here I am.
Be still, my heart.
Do you like what you see, Mark?
It's gorgeous.
Get over here.
Give us a feel.
Okay.
Fabulous.
Give it... is it silk?
Rayon? I don't believe it!
So what do you do, you
put it in a delicate cycle,
let it spin? We have to talk.
Mark, stop joking.
You know perfectly
well that the point
of this nightie is not
laundry instructions.
The point of
this nightie is to...
To what?
You know... a man and a woman...
Where?
Oh, Mark.
Rebecca, you know
I'm gay, don't you?
Why, of course, I do!
Why do you think I
feel so comfortable
wearing this in front of you?
I mean, this is my housecoat!
I know it's sexy,
but I paint in it.
You're gay?
Don't tell me you didn't know.
I mean, usually I assume
that somebody is straight
until I find out they're not.
That's funny, I usually
assume people are gay
until I find out they're not.
Sometimes we find out together.
Oh.
I'm the one, aren't I?
Yeah, I'm the one
that put you off girls.
No, Rebecca. No, no, really,
go ahead, you can say it.
I've heard it before.
Rebecca, if anything,
you confused me.
You're the only woman
I've ever been attracted to.
Thank you.
Oh, look at you... You're
getting goose bumps.
Come on, let's
cuddle up on the couch
with a blanket, huh?
(sighs)
So we both like men?
Yep.
Are we stupid or what?
They're so insincere
and they're inconsiderate, rude.
They lie, they cheat on you.
Men. Men.
You know, things
really would have been
a lot easier if I was
attracted to women.
Me, too.
You want to watch some TV?
Yeah, sure.
Maybe there's an
old movie on, huh?
Rebecca.
Hmm?
What are you doing?
Looking for the remote control.
It's on the coffee table.
You can't blame me for trying.
a live studio audience.
Woody.
I hear that you and Kelly
are having a hard time
getting a wedding ring.
That's right, Carla.
They're pretty
expensive, you know.
Yeah. That's what I thought.
And you know, I'm not
gonna be able to afford
to get you kids the kind of
present you really deserve,
so, on the way over here
I stopped by my bank, and, uh,
I took this out of my
safety deposit box.
Oh, Carla, that's a beaut!
Yeah, I know.
It's solid silver.
It's been in my
family for years.
My great uncle Amerigo
gave it to my great aunt Sophia,
and then I was gonna
give it to my youngest girl,
but she inherited
the Tortelli knuckles.
Oh, Carla, I
could never take it.
Oh, Woody, I-I
want you to have it.
Well, at least let me
give you something for it.
I have $500 in my budget.
Well, if it makes
you feel better.
Well, you know, the thing is,
uh, Kelly really prefers gold.
Oh.
Well, I got it in gold, too.
Perfect.
Hey, does she need any earrings?
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm!
Oh, hey, Mr. Peterson,
that's quite a haircut.
Yeah, well, they're only
halfway done, Woody.
I got a little thirsty.
You know what I mean?
Give me a beer.
Hi, Woody.
Oh, hey, Kelly. What
are you doing here?
I wanted to spend the afternoon
with Mr. Peterson
and Mr. Clavin.
Boy, you've been
spending a lot of time
with them lately. What's up?
I thought it would
be a good idea
for me to get to
know your friends.
Why?
Because when we get married,
and you turn to
me and say, "Kelly,
I'm gonna spend a
night on the town,"
and I burst into
tears and ask you
to spend just one
night at home, and
you say, "I'm gonna
be with my friends,"
well, I want to know
who those friends are.
Boy, could I sing a
couple bars of that.
So, what do you guys talk about?
Oh, the usual.
How the Celtics
need a point guard,
the Sox need pitching,
the fact that there's an
exact replica of the earth
on the other side of the
sun that we can never see.
Wow. Really?
The Sox need pitchers?
Well, on this earth.
Anyway, Woody, if
you'll excuse me now,
one of your friends is gonna
teach me how to play pool.
Oh, which one?
I don't remember his name, but
he's the man from the CIA
who trains the Green Berets.
Let's go, tootsie. We're up.
Do you realize
it's been 18 years
since we've seen each other?
Me, too. I can't wait.
Okay. Bye-bye.
You'll never guess who that was.
Your dental hygienist?
Come on. Be serious. Guess.
Okay, I'll be serious.
I don't really care.
(scoffs)
Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway.
It was Mark Newberger.
We have not seen each
other since graduation night.
Oh, Mark Newberger.
We met doing The Bad Seed
in our sophomore production.
He was my first boyfriend.
I really loved him.
Maybe he was the only
guy I've ever really loved.
I don't know why I gave him up.
Oh, I guess I wanted to
go off to college and be free,
that whole deal.
I don't know. What an idiot.
Why would I ever give him up?
Nobody's listening to you.
I am trying to pretend
like I have a friend, okay?
Wait. What am I saying?
I do have a friend. I
don't need to pretend.
Mark Newberger is back,
and he's better than
any friend you have!
I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening.
Anybody in here know this guy?
Sam! My God, what's the matter?
We found him out in
the middle of the street
staring at an empty
parking space,
muttering to himself,
shouting at people.
SAM: My corvette!
They stole my 'Vette!
Frasier, have you
seen my 'Vette?
Oh, Sam, I'm afraid not.
Well, Sam, stop by the
station house sometime
and fill out a report.
Then you'll give
me my 'Vette back!
Whatever you say.
Oh, God.
I left it outside!
What was I thinking?
I should have stayed with it!
Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, Normie,
I'm gonna miss that car.
Here, take a look at that.
Wow. That's you next
to Sammy's 'Vette.
Yeah.
Truth be told, I, uh... I
tell the ladies it's mine.
Yeah.
Wait. That's not even your body.
It's Sammy's body with
your head superimposed.
Yeah, you'd be surprised
what Ma can do in a darkroom.
Yeah. Yeah, we got one of,
uh, me at the Yalta conference.
Yeah.
You-You should see the
look that Churchill's giving me.
Oh. Oh. Oh!
I suppose one of us ought to
go over and cheer Sammy up.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Well, I'll do it. I, uh...
I got a flair for
this kind of thing.
You just, uh, stay there
and drink your beer.
Okay. We all have to play
to our strengths, I guess.
Oh, Sammy.
Sammy, Sam, Sammy.
Gee, you know, I, uh,
heard about the bad news.
I'm really sorry, pal.
It's, uh, terrible
what these guys do.
You know, they, uh,
just pluck your car
right up off the
street and take it
to what's, uh, commonly
known as a chop shop.
Yeah, where they
unceremoniously
dismantle it, and after that,
the felons take an
acetylene torch, and, uh,
just methodically cut the frame
into little, tiny pieces.
Cliff, do you really
think any of this helps?
Well, it sure as heck keeps
the car from being traced, Sam.
(raspy voice): Uh, hi.
I'm looking for Rebecca Howe.
She's over there.
Rebecca?
My God, Rebecca,
you're beautiful!
Who'd have ever thought
that you would've developed
into this gorgeous creature?!
No, Mark! Over here!
Rebecca, you
haven't changed a bit!
My God, look at that hair!
If you had any more,
I could get you listed as
an endangered species!
Well, come on, turn
around, turn around.
Let me see. Let me see.
Oh, I like it. More to love.
Me? What about you?!
Hey, I'm bulking
up for the Olympics.
(laughs) You'll
never guess what.
I finally gave up smoking.
Oh, I can tell. Your voice
sounds so much better.
Sam?
Sam, I want you
to meet somebody.
Sam, this is Mark Newberger.
Mark Newberger,
this is Sam Malone.
Sam owns the bar.
Let me go get some of
my other friends. Okay.
Hey, guys, guys, I want to
introduce you to somebody!
Somebody stole my car.
Oh, I've been there.
Yeah? Really?
Yeah, my ex-lover.
First he stole my heart,
then he stole my car.
He?
Aren't you supposed to
be Rebecca's old flame?
Well, I'm not that old.
Thank God he didn't
steal the water bed,
the lying little tramp.
Meow!
Like you were there.
REBECCA: Mark,
I want you to
meet all my friends.
All right, this is
Dr. Sternin-Crane,
our resident researcher.
This is Cliff Clavin,
our resident trivia expert.
This is Norm Peterson,
our... resident.
Uh, this is Woody, the bartender
and Carla, the waitress.
And what do you do,
Rebecca? (whispering): Shut up!
Thought I could trick
her into telling us.
Oh, Lilith, I feel
so victimized.
I feel so angry.
I don't know what to do.
Well, actually, Sam,
this is precisely how
victim support
groups got started.
People who were suffering
and unable to cope found
they felt better
if they were able to
share those feelings.
Well, maybe I should try to
get in one of those groups.
I wonder if they have
a group for people
who have had high-performance
automobiles stolen.
You had a car stolen? Yeah.
What kind was it?
'64 Corvette.
'57 Tee-Bird two
weeks ago today.
Oh, man.
Does it still
really hurt inside?
Sometimes more than others.
Like, when I'm late for work,
and I run out of the house
and try and jump in it.
Just end up in
the gutter weeping.
Oh, man, I hear you, I hear you.
It just isn't fair.
Oh, no kidding.
You know, when bad things
happen to good-looking people.
Oh, here's you in glee club.
Captain of the debate team.
Mm-hmm. Oh, Mark, you...
Oh, look, Water Polo Champion.
Oh.
Head of the prom committee.
Most likely to succeed.
Are you in there, Miss Howe?
Well, sure I am. Here.
I... I know I am.
Wait. There. Oh, yes.
Yes, there's my
elbow on protest day.
Oh.
What were you protesting?
Oh, I-I don't know.
The war, cafeteria
food, the bomb.
Uh, it's just a real
neat way to meet kids.
Look at this.
18 years old...
Ready to graduate
and take on the world.
Wait a minute.
You graduated from high
school when you were 18?
What, did Daddy
pull some strings?
(gasps)
Look at this! Look,
look, look, look, look!
Here's our production
of South Pacific.
Oh, Mark, you were the most
powerful Emile de Becque.
Oh, and you were a great...
one of the nurses that
washed Nellie Forbush's hair.
Hey, Kelly, how's
it going back there?
Oh, fine. I just came
out to get myself a soda
and some suds for the Philster.
Kelly, why are you doing this?
I want Woody's
friends to like me.
Did you buy them a round? Yes.
You'll never get rid of them.
You know, Carla,
you're the only one
of Woody's friends
that I haven't
spent time with yet.
Let's you and I
have a chat, hmm?
I'd better put on
my thinking cap.
Oh, doll, I have got to run.
Kiss, kiss.
Oh, Mark, so soon?
Yeah. Well, I found
this great apartment,
but the rent is sky-high, so
I'm interviewing roommates.
This could be exhausting.
Later.
So that was the
old boyfriend, huh?
(sighing): Yeah.
Can you believe it?
How could I have been so stupid?
I should have seen it
way back in high school.
Well, we all have
our blind spots.
Yeah. This one was just
staring me right in the face.
He is the perfect man for me.
I think this is the man
that I'm gonna marry!
(clapping)
Mr. Peterson.
Yeah? It's your
barber on the phone,
and he says it's been two days.
He wants to know when
you're coming back.
What should I tell him?
Tell him what I tell Vera.
Uh, he'll be home
after one more.
Yeah, I'll tell
you, Cliffie, uh,
when it comes to photography,
your ma's quite a hotshot.
Yeah, yeah, she's pretty good.
Uh, you like this one, huh?
Yeah.
That's me planting Old
Glory on the lunar surface.
Here's my favorite.
It's you getting
hitched to Princess Di.
Yeah, what a day that was.
Excuse me, is this where
the victim support
group is meeting?
Yeah, right over
by the office there.
I'll be right with you.
There you go.
Sam, uh, am I to understand
that you took it upon yourself
to form a victim support group?
I think that's an
excellent idea.
Well, actually, it
was Lilith's idea.
It'll never work,
I hope you know.
You Tom's friend?
Oh, yeah, I'm, uh, Kirby,
1967 vinyl covered hardtop,
sun fire yellow, 427
high performance engine.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hi, hi, I'm Sam, I spoke
to you on the phone.
'64 ragtop, black
interior, rally red
with, uh, knock-off hubs.
Good to know you, man.
Yeah.
This is '70
Cutlass Supreme convertible,
uh, white interior
with overdrive.
I'm sorry, I'm not very good
with names... what's your name?
Sam. Sam, right.
Shall we?
Honey, come on, sweetheart.
We... we got the
office here, thank you.
Sorry.
I'm almost ready
for my big date.
Hey, guys.
Don't wait up for me.
Nudge, nudge,
wink, wink. (laughs)
If she was only a...
horse with a broken
leg or something,
we could shoot her.
Well, hey, Norm, Norm, Normie,
we... we've got to tell her.
Come on.
One of us has got
to tell her... let's go.
One, two, three.
All right!
My rock smashes your scissors.
Oh, no, not these scissors, pal.
What?
This is a, uh, special
titanium steel alloy...
Oh, give me a break!
Developed by NASA
for the space program.
These scissors would smash
your rock to smithereens, pal.
No, no, no, not this
rock... this rock happens
to be Kryptonite, from
the planet Krypton.
Oh, for crying out... Maybe
you've heard of it, huh?
Sounds to me like you guys
are trying to get
out of telling her.
Oh, well, gee, Woody,
if you're so brave,
why don't you, uh, go
back there and tell her?
All right, I will.
'Cause you know what?
That's what friends do.
They look out for each other.
If one friend knows something
that another friend needs
to know, then he lets them
know, even if it's difficult.
That's what
friendship is all about.
What am I supposed to tell her?
Tell her that her
friend, Mark, is gay.
(laughing): Oh, I
could never tell her that.
Okay.
Hey, girls,
here's a little trick
I learned in high school.
You put on your lipstick...
then you powder them.
That way, when
you're making out,
you don't get the
lipstick all over the boy.
(giggles) Aha.
Rebecca,
I believe you're laboring
under a misconception...
Oh, no, Lilith.
Rebecca, you see, what Lilith
is trying to say is that...
the powder isn't gonna
keep the lipstick off the boy,
but if he really cares,
he's not gonna mind.
Yeah. Yeah.
So just go on out
and have a great time.
Oh, thank you, guys!
Bye!
Why didn't you let me tell her?
'Cause it would be wrong.
It-It's not our place
to interfere with
their personal lives.
That's why they're
called "personal lives."
It's not our place to play God.
Well, actually, I pulled
down 60 big ones
last year playing God,
but I see your point.
And I owe you an apology.
I actually thought you
didn't want to tell her
so that she would be humiliated,
at which point you
would make fun of her.
See how wrong you were?
(door closes)
How was your date
last night, Rebecca?
Get lucky?
(laughing)
Okay, let's talk some
more about how we feel
about having our cars stolen.
Alice, you want to start off?
I feel empty.
Okay.
Empty, how?
Like...
a Crock-Pot?
Let me... let me just respond
to what Alice just said,
you know, that...
that Crock-Pot thing.
Yeah, yeah, that's me.
Sometimes when I'm
walking down the street,
I think I see my car out
of the corner of my eye.
Let me, let me just say
something here, you...
That... that "corner
of the eye" thing...
yeah, that's me.
Guys, you... I just thought
of something, you know.
I mean, maybe our cars
weren't actually stolen.
Maybe... maybe they
were just towed by the city
and it's... and it's
taking them time to...
to process the paperwork
and, you know...
and, uh...
(sobbing)
I think what Kirby's
going through here
is what they call denial.
(crying): I feel so silly!
Oh, no, man, come on,
don't say that, don't be...
This is not silly;
this is beautiful.
This is what it's all about.
You know, I think it's true.
Suffering does
bring people together.
I tell you, I feel very
close to you all right now.
I-I just want to say I...
I treasure our friendship.
(knock at door)
Hey, Sam.
Police called... They
just found your car.
Okay, meeting's over.
That was a great dinner tonight.
I haven't had osso
buco that good in years.
What the hell is
osso buco anyway?
You don't want to know.
Mark, I-I had the
greatest evening tonight.
Well, we're gonna
have a lot of great nights.
I want to pick up
right where we left off.
Do you want to start right now?
Sure. Okay.
You just make
yourself comfortable,
and I'll be right back.
I feel like we're
in high school again, don't you,
Marcus Aurelius?
Yes, I do, Beckus Aurelius.
You remembered my Latin name.
Well, how could I forget?
You're the one who got me
through Mr. Vincent's
Latin class.
(Rebecca gasps)
Oh, Mr. Vincent... I
forgot all about him.
Oh, God, I had such a crush
on that man.
(softly): Who didn't?
Here I am.
Be still, my heart.
Do you like what you see, Mark?
It's gorgeous.
Get over here.
Give us a feel.
Okay.
Fabulous.
Give it... is it silk?
Rayon? I don't believe it!
So what do you do, you
put it in a delicate cycle,
let it spin? We have to talk.
Mark, stop joking.
You know perfectly
well that the point
of this nightie is not
laundry instructions.
The point of
this nightie is to...
To what?
You know... a man and a woman...
Where?
Oh, Mark.
Rebecca, you know
I'm gay, don't you?
Why, of course, I do!
Why do you think I
feel so comfortable
wearing this in front of you?
I mean, this is my housecoat!
I know it's sexy,
but I paint in it.
You're gay?
Don't tell me you didn't know.
I mean, usually I assume
that somebody is straight
until I find out they're not.
That's funny, I usually
assume people are gay
until I find out they're not.
Sometimes we find out together.
Oh.
I'm the one, aren't I?
Yeah, I'm the one
that put you off girls.
No, Rebecca. No, no, really,
go ahead, you can say it.
I've heard it before.
Rebecca, if anything,
you confused me.
You're the only woman
I've ever been attracted to.
Thank you.
Oh, look at you... You're
getting goose bumps.
Come on, let's
cuddle up on the couch
with a blanket, huh?
(sighs)
So we both like men?
Yep.
Are we stupid or what?
They're so insincere
and they're inconsiderate, rude.
They lie, they cheat on you.
Men. Men.
You know, things
really would have been
a lot easier if I was
attracted to women.
Me, too.
You want to watch some TV?
Yeah, sure.
Maybe there's an
old movie on, huh?
Rebecca.
Hmm?
What are you doing?
Looking for the remote control.
It's on the coffee table.
You can't blame me for trying.