Cheers (1982–1993): Season 10, Episode 20 - Smotherly Love - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

E-leven and holding.

Hey, that's a personal best.

Uh-huh.

What's going on?

We're trying to count how many

Spanish peanuts Cliff can...

fit up his nose.

(nasally): And, uh,

11's the limit.

I know my nostrils.



Let's see, now, who had 11?

Uh, Norm Peterson.

Hey. Oh, yes,

I know Cliffie's nostrils.

Here you go, Norm.

Thank you. Cliff, are you crazy?

You've really been stuffing
peanuts up your nose?

That's dangerous.

You could puncture your sinuses,
you can even get brain damage.

Oh, come on, I've been
doing this kind of stuff for years.

It's no big deal.

Yeah, Cliffie, but,
uh, but never 11, pal.

Uh, yeah, you're right, Norm.

Uh, hey, uh, Rebecca,



I'm gonna mosey
into the poolroom

and, uh, pry some of these out.

Give me the corkscrew, will you?

Thank you.

Hey, Norm, that's quite a little
sum of money you've got there.

Yeah, well...

Maybe you'd like to apply

some of this to your bar tab.

(laughing)

That's very good.

(chuckles)

You know, you're
starting to fit in here.

That's great.

(theme song begins)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

(door opens)

Sam, let me have a Scotch.

Oh, make it a double.

Oh, what the hell?

Just pound me over
the head with the bottle.

Whoo!

Tough day, huh?

No, I'm not unwinding,
Sam, I'm, I'm bracing up.

You see, Lilith's mother
is coming up from the city

for our fifth
wedding anniversary,

meeting me here.

I thought I'd come in a
little early and... marinate.

Yeah, mother-in-laws,
man, they're tough.

Oh, she's demanding, Sam.

She's unreasonable,
cold, sarcastic, bitter.

Nothing is to her liking ever.

Yeah, we know.

What's her mother like?

Ah, I suppose it's wrong of me

to blame Betty for
all our problems.

I'm sure I'm not the way
she wants me to be either.

Well, how does she
want you to be, Dr. Crane?

Well... dead.

The thing that really
drives me crazy

is the unrelenting tension

between Lilith and her mother.

You know, Lilith
just holds it all in,

she has to unload it somewhere,

and guess who gets
to listen to it endlessly.

Apparently me, Dr. Crane.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, yes, thanks.

Guess what.

I just won this radio contest.

I get a weekend trip
for two to Atlantic City,

all expenses paid.

Oh, congratulations.

Who are you going to take?

Uh, I don't know.

I just moved to Boston
and I don't know a soul.

Yeah, yeah, I heard, I heard.

Oh, thanks very much.

That's incredible.

I can't believe that.

Hey, guys, guess what.

I just won a radio contest.

You're kidding.

I did, too. Really?

Yeah, you know, Atlantic
City, free trip, the whole works.

That's the same here.

Really?

Isn't that incredible?

Well, it, it could be.

Only problem is I
don't know who to take,

you know, two
tickets and everything.

I wonder what I should do.

About what?

You have kind of a short
attention span, don't you?

Well, I like that, I like that.

(mumbling indistinctly)

We're talking about
my two tickets and...

Oh, yeah, you know,
I've got the same problem.

Yeah, uh, well, you
know what we ought to...

I'm Sam, by the way.

Oh.

Sam, I'm Debbie.

Hi, Debbie, uh...

maybe we should, you know,

instead of wasting four tickets,

we should just use
yours and go together.

That's a super idea.

Yeah, all right.

Hey, guys, I'm
off to Atlantic City.

Boy, those Japanese that
say we've lost our ingenuity

and the ability to
get the job done

ought to come to Cheers and
have a gander at Sam Malone.

Sammy. Yeah.

I'd like you to take this,
uh, Cliff nostril money

and put it on black
17 at the roulette table.

Black 17... you got it, pal.

Okay, we're ready.

But, now, what are we
going to do with your tickets?

Oh, I'll probably just, uh,

give them away
to some strangers.

Oh, I'd do that, too,

but I don't know any strangers.

This is going to be
a great weekend.

Uh, how come,
uh, black 17, Norm?

Oh, uh, well, 17 is 'cause, uh,

Vera and I were
married on the 17th.

Oh.

And black is because Vera
and I were married on the 17th.

Another one, Dr. Crane?

Um, no thanks, Woody.

Uh, one ought to do it.

(door opens)

Mother and I have
arrived, Frasier.

Hit me, Woody, need some juice.

Thanks for helping me
with my bags, Frasier,

but I see you've got that
big, heavy drink to lug around.

Hello, Betty.

So this is where you
spend all of your time,

while my grandson crawls around

in open stairwells
and electrical outlets.

Well, actually,
Frederick is walking now.

If my daughter had any
sense, so would she.

Is there a bathroom around here?

Oh, yes, Mother, right
down that hallway there.

Frasier, I have to thank you.

You seem to be
trying harder than usual

to be pleasant to my mother.

Want to tell me what
the hell is going on?

Well, darling, for
the past few months,

I've been agonizing
over what to give you

for our fifth
wedding anniversary,

and, uh, I thought about
jewelry, a trip, a car.

But this... this
cost me even more.

"I promise not to fight
with Betty during her visit."

Happy anniversary, my love.

It's very thoughtful, Frasier.

Exactly how do you
intend to pull that off?

Well, I've been working
at this for some time now

and whatever Betty says,

I shall let this smile
be my umbrella.

Well, get ready to smile.

My mother has never
gotten over being upset

about missing our wedding.

She wants us to renew our
wedding vows on Saturday.

But, darling, I...

I think the whole
idea is just...

wonderful.

(door opens)

Hey, waitress, you want
to turn up the heat in here?

I am not a fish stick.

Or maybe I should ask someone
who can reach the thermostat.

Hey, hey.

Lady, you can't just
waltz in here, insult people,

and start ordering
everyone around.

Why not?

'Cause that's my job.

I would have thought your
job was to live under a bridge.

Yeah?

Well, unless you
want some bridgework,

you just better shut up!

Look,

she rattled me, okay?

Betty, I-I think
it's terribly sweet

that you want us to
reenact our wedding, but...

have you given any thought
to a... a little cocktail party?

I-I think that might
be more pleasant

and perhaps a bit more intimate.

Well, you're wrong.

Very wrong.

You couldn't be more wrong

if your fanny was
screwed on backwards.

That wrong, huh?

Thanks for dropping
me off, Debbie.

NORM: Hey, Sammy,

how'd it go in Atlantic
City? You get lucky?

Yeah, you bet I did.

So, uh, how much you win?

Not a cent.

I'll call you
tomorrow, all right?

Okay. Thanks.

Okay, bye. Bye.

Sammy? Huh? Huh?

CLIFF & NORM
(high-pitched): Huh? Huh?

So, you remember
to put that, uh,

50 bucks down on
that black 17, buddy?

Yeah, you know, about
that Norm... Yeah?

You know, the
strangest thing happened.

I put all your money... Right.

On black 17.

And lost, right?

No, no, no, it hit, it hit.

It hit?! All right!

But Debbie got so excited,

she started jumping
up and down and...

and by the time, she
was finished, I, uh...

I, uh, had accidentally
let your winnings ride.

I could kill you! You did that?

And it hit again.

Whoa! What are the odds on that?

Pretty damned steep, buddy.

(laughs) I don't believe it!

(overlapping shouting)

All right! Sammy!

I'm rich!

I'm rich!

Look at this. (whooping)

All right!

Sam, Sam, Sam? What,
what, what, what...?

Now that Norm's come
into all this money,

don't you think it's time
that somebody reminds him

that he has a
pretty hefty bar tab?

Oh, sweetheart, he's my friend.

I can't mention that.
He'll come through.

I don't know, Sam. Hey,
hey, trust me, trust me.

I've known the
guy for a long time.

He'll do the right thing.

Sammy, this calls
for a celebration.

Let's have a round on me, okay?

(crowd chatter) NORM:
Drinks for everybody!

Sammy, put it on my tab, please.

Sam? Sam?

Now, about the cake...
Do you like butter cream?

Yes, Mother.

Good, because
that's what I ordered.

Now, how about flowers?

I like roses.

Do you like cascading lilies?

Sort of.

Good! Because
that's what I ordered.

Now...

why don't you go
and learn your vows?

I've written them out.

And I'm going to
go call the caterer.

Looking at Frasier's friends,

I know I'm going to
need to order more.

I don't know what.

Just more.

She's written vows?

Yes.

Apparently with
the recurring phrase

"shiftless alcoholic."

Darling, for the hundredth time,

why are we going through

with this ridiculous
wedding re-enactment?

Because every time

I try to say "no,"
it comes out "yes."

My behavior is solely
to please my mother.

Why does she
always try to turn me

into something I'm not?

Maybe, deep down,
she always wanted a girl.

Hey. Hey, rich guy,

mind if I do a
little reading here?

Oh.

Oh, Sammy, my tab.

Tab? Oh!

Thought it was the
Yellow Pages here.

Yeah.

Boy, we've had that thing
a long time, haven't we?

Sure have, buddy.

Look at that, we
go all the way back

to when we didn't
even know your name.

"Skinny guy at
the end of the bar."

Yep.

Yep.

It's gotten awfully big.

Kind of a disgrace, really.

That it is, Norm. That it is.

NORM: Tell you
what I'm gonna do.

Since I've come
into all this money,

I'm gonna buy you a new book.

Whenever I'm in her presence,

I revert to being
a little girl again.

But you're not.

You're a grown woman.

You have a

successful career

and you're well
respected in your field.

Now, darling, you
must go over there

to your mother,
look her in the eye,

and, for God's sake, tell her

that we're not going to
reenact our damn wedding!

You're right, Frasier.

Incidentally,

why do you always refer
to it as our "damn wedding"?

One hurdle at a time, Lilith.

Now, I'll be with
you all the time.

I'll be your support.

Lean on me.

Is anyone else hot in here?

Say, waitress, do you mind?

I'm not a rotisserie chicken.

Yeah? Well, you...

you look like one.

Sam. Huh?

I just gotta take a
couple of days sick leave.

Mother,

Frasier and I have spoken,

and there's something I have
to tell you about my wedding.

Oh, I just can't wait

to see my little girl married.

I am so sorry I
missed it the first time!

I can't wait either, Mommy.

Come along.

We've got a lot to do.

I'll be right there, Mommy.

A lot of help you were,
you spineless bastard.

All that money, huh? Yeah.

Sure will come in handy. Yeah.

You could probably
pay off all your

outstanding debts, huh?

If I had any, Sam.

Not me.

Own my own house,
own my own car,

no plastic, do not
believe in debt.

So I'm beginning to find out.

Rebecca Howe?

Why yes.

And who are you, stranger?

You wouldn't remember me.

I was a customer
here many years ago.

I had a couple of beers
and couldn't pay for them

and this bar was kind
enough to run me a tab.

Two beers?

And you did not pay for them?

That's right, Miss.

And I'll tell you why.

Shortly after that, I
committed a crime of passion

and was sent to
Devil's Island for life.

Oh, my!

Go on, stranger.

For years, rotting
in those cells,

I was kept alive
by but one thought,

the knowledge that I
owed a debt to Cheers.

So under the light of a
tropic moon, I escaped

and fashioned a crude raft

with vines and coconut husks.

The rest is unimportant.

Suffice it to say,
here's three dollars.

God bless you, stranger.

Norm, did you hear that?

How could anyone
help but hear that?

Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.

Could you keep it down?

I'm trying to watch
some TV over here!

How could you even think

that someone would
be stupid enough

to take a hint like that?

Miss Howe,

here's that dollar I
borrowed for lunch yesterday.

You know you could have
come right out and told me

instead of having that
guy come all the way here

from Devil's Island.

Sam, let me have a
quick one, will you?

I'm showing Betty the sights.

Oh, yeah?

Where is she?

Well, I gave her a little shove

into Filene's Basement
and yelled "Sale!"

With any luck, she'll
be trampled to death.

Your wife's waiting
for you up there.

Oh.

Oh, hello, dear.

You caught me.

I'm hiding.

Yeah, well, this is as
good a place as any.

This is where I always come
to hide from my problems.

I mean, my-my work
problems, of course.

You know, my-my
domestic life is just, well...

Things are looking up, Frasier.

I've been researching
the problem

of how to deal with
an overbearing mother.

I think you'll be
delighted to learn

that I've hit upon the
perfect course of action.

Oh, darling, how exciting!

A breakthrough! What's the plan?

To acquiesce totally.

Yes, I'm going to let my
mother run roughshod over me.

It's time to cut our losses.

I'm at the third from
final turn in the maze

and unbeknownst to me,

the researcher has
removed the cheese.

Your analogies always
bring it home, dear.

Yeah, still can't get your
mother off your back, huh?

It's very difficult
for me to relate to.

Really?

Oh, yeah. Ma and I
don't have any problems.

You know, in fact, most people

find it's hard to tell
that we're even related.

Folks down at Club
Med are very surprised

when they find out
we're mother and son.

Shocked even.

You know, Dr. Sternin-Crane,
I always heard

that you should tell your
mother exactly how you feel.

Is that what you do, Woody?

Yeah, right, like I
want a whopping.

Well, thank you
very much, Woody.

I appreciate that.

You know, I have another idea.

Thank you very much,
Woody. I appreciate that.

You didn't let me
tell you the idea yet.

Woody, in certain company,
when someone says,

"Thank you very
much. I appreciate that."

It means, "I don't thank
you. I don't appreciate that.

And I want you to
shut your mouth."

Oh, thank you very much,

Dr. Sternin-Crane.
I appreciate that.

(doorbell rings)

So glad you could come,
Sam. Oh, thank you.

The gift table's over there.

We were, uh,
supposed to bring gifts?

Don't give it a
second thought...

Mr. Trump.

Hey, man, I'm so sorry.

I didn't realize we were
supposed to bring gifts.

Oh, that's all right, Sam.

Your presence here
is more than enough.

Paul, you scamp, is
this a toaster oven?

So you see, that's why Shamu

cannot really be
considered a killer whale.

Hello, I'm Dr. Bramwell,

a colleague of Frasier's.

I couldn't help overhearing
your conversation.

You must be one of his patients.

No, no...

I'm one of his friends,
uh, Cliff Clavin.

Oh, well, then I wouldn't
be poaching if I...

Well, uh... here's my card.

Huh.

Uh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

That's the third
one I got tonight.

I must have a sign on
my back or something.

Sam, there's Norm.

This might be a
good chance No, no.

To ask him about
the bar tab. Come on...

You can do it. This
is not... he'll get upset.

No, he won't get upset.
This is the last place

in the world he'd make a scene.

Just be discreet. Norm.

Norm, Sam wants to ask
you about your bar tab. Oh.

(laughs)

I, it's just, you know,
she thinks, you know,

you came into some money,
that maybe it'd be appropriate,

you know, to pay off
some of your bar tab.

Well, sure, if I
had any money left.

Wait a minute, you
spent all... every cent?

Yeah.

What the heck, you know,
easy come, easy go, Sammy.

It was found money, I figured,

so why not do something that
I always wanted to do with it.

So, I went down,

and I bought a boat.

Isn't it a beauty?

I can't believe that, man.

What? You spent it?

Hah... After all those
years of me carrying you

while you were unemployed?!

Well... yeah, but...
You're my friend?

I-I listen to all your stupid
little comments every day?

I-I let you run up the
largest bar tab in history,

and then you come
into some money

and you tell me you
don't pay me back?

You-you spend it
on a stupid boat?!

Well, I hope you and
the stupid boat sink!

You big deadbeat!

Sammy, I, I bought
the boat for you.

See, it's, it's the
Mayday Malone, see?

I mean, thank you.

You know, I know how bad
you felt when your boat sank

and, well, it's something I
always wanted to do, big guy.

Oh, man. That's the nicest thing

anyone's ever done for me.

Yeah. Hey, listen,
about that bar tab...

Yeah, I know...
I've broken it down

into 36 easy payments.

Now I want you
to stand up straight

when you're out there.

All eyes will be on you.

Yes, Mommy.

And for heaven's sake, speak up.

I want to hear
every word clearly.

(louder): Yes, Mommy.

Not now, when you're out there.

(knocking)

May I see the bride
before the ceremony?

Oh, no, Frasier.

I don't want you
to see me like this.

Oh, nonsense, dear.

Oh, my Lord.

Is this my Lilith,
so... so beautiful?

"Beautiful"?

And your hair.

It's so gorgeous.

My face is beautiful?
My hair is gorgeous?

What's next, I have
a cute, little caboose?

Watch your mouth, Lilith.

You know how much I hate this.

I wouldn't have put this
horrid paint on my face

or worn this atrocious
hairdo if my mother

weren't emotionally
blackmailing me into doing so.

"Blackmailing" you?

How could you?! Shut up, Mother!

It's bad enough I have
to be your little girl,

I don't have to be his, too.
Now, for once in your life,

keep your mouth
shut and butt out!

(crying)

I'm sorry, Mother.

Oh, no.

It's so beautiful!

I said the same thing to my
mother on my wedding day.

The tears,

the unhappiness...

I wouldn't have missed
this for the world.

(knocking)

Uh, Fras, you going
to be much longer?

'Cause I hit that punch
bowl kind of hard.

Are you going to
be all right, Mother?

Yes, I'm fine.

I want to be ready when
they ask if anybody objects.

I've written it all out.

We love you, too, Betty.

Frasier, I apologize
for yelling at you.

Now be honest.

Didn't you say that I was
beautiful and gorgeous

only to force a catharsis?

Guilty as charged.

Then help me get
this junk off my face.

("Wedding March" begins)

Oh, darling.

We don't seem to have
time for that right now.

As much as I hate it,
you'll have to keep it on.

Oh. Now listen,
let's go out there

and say our "I do's"
and then I'll haul

your cute, little caboose
up to the bedroom.

Thank you, Frasier.

("Wedding March" continues)

Oh, the hell with the "I do's."