Cheers (1982–1993): Season 10, Episode 2 - Get Your Kicks on Route 666 - full transcript
The guys of Cheers get stranded when they take a road trip on Route 66.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Oh, shoot!
It's a minus! I'm not pregnant.
Well, we only started
trying last night.
I guess we can't expect
to get pregnant the first time.
Well, I thought
that's what the fourth
and fifth times were for.
Fifth time. You imagine that?
I'm only up to three.
I just want to be pregnant now.
Rebecca, why don't
you approach this
from a scientific point of view?
Make a simple plot-point graph,
and chart your basal temperature
at a fixed hour each morning.
After a couple of months,
a pattern will emerge,
thereby making your peak
fertility days absolutely predictable.
Good idea. Thanks, Lilith!
Whew, boy! You guys
went through all that?
No, we just got ripped
one night and tore one off.
Remember that, sugar, huh?
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Look, guys,
postcards from Woody.
Eh?
Eh?
Hey, all right.
Listen to mine.
"Dear Miss Howe, I'm having
a great time on vacation.
"I miss everyone there,
but I miss you most of all.
Love, Woody."
What does yours say, Sam?
"Dear Sam, I'm having
a great time on vacation.
"I miss everyone there,
but I miss you most of all.
Love, Woody."
"I'm having a great
time on vacation.
"I miss everyone there, but I
miss you most of all. Love, Woody."
Cliffie?
Well, "Dear Mr. Clavin,
"I'm having a great
time on vacation.
Love, Woody."
Hey, Frasier, Lilith.
What'll you have?
A scotch, Sam.
And whatever my
Neanderthal husband will have.
You two fighting?
No, on the contrary, Sam,
I insist that she call me that.
Frasier's been captivated
by a new theory of masculinity
which suggests within each
man is a hidden primal beast,
softened by years of
civilization and sensitivity.
He saw it on Sally Jesse.
Yes, and they got a really
cool name for this beast.
It's called the
"Inner Hairy Man."
Or in your case, dear,
"The Receding Hairy Man."
She thinks it's
all very childish.
No, I don't.
Oh, tell your little friends
all about your big field trip.
Primal journey, Lilith.
You see, I'm just gonna
get into my car and go.
Out on the open road.
I'm taking a week off.
I'm gonna get in touch
with my hidden beast.
Ah, good luck.
Thanks, Sam.
You know, actually I was
gonna invite you to join me.
You see, I get a little nervous
when I drive at night.
Oh, yeah, it'd be nice, but, uh,
Woody's on vacation, you know.
CARLA: Oh, well,
that's okay, Sammy.
I could get my nephew
Frankie to help out.
He's a good kid,
real sweet, Frankie.
Of course, he's
never been in a bar,
but he'll be okay.
Oh, I don't know about this.
You know, this is my
livelihood, my business.
I don't want to
just turn it over
to somebody
because they're family.
He'll work for minimum wage.
I'm in! Great!
Great.
Hey, this is great. So, uh,
where are we gonna go?
Desert? Mountains?
Well, actually, Sam, the
location doesn't really matter.
This is more of a
spiritual journey,
an heroic quest.
You know, you know, if
we, uh, drive to California,
we could go see Disneyland.
Ooh! Yeah.
Perhaps you could find your
manhood on the giant teacups.
Yeah, a road trip to Disneyland.
Sounds fun.
You want to join us, Norm?
Well (stammers)...
I'm sure you two gentlemen
have something to do.
Oh, no problemo.
I got a couple of weeks
vacation coming up.
Really? Oh, yeah, my
supervisor reminds me daily.
Well, Cliff, I, uh,
I don't know if my
car is big enough...
Oh, let's take my wagon.
What do you say, Norm? Huh?
The four of us tooling
down old mother road,
getting in touch with the
old hairy man-mobile, huh?
I don't know. I don't
think I could handle
sitting still for
six hours a day.
Well, yeah, it'd
be more like ten.
Oh, then I'm in.
SAM: Boy, I'll never forget,
when I was 19,
Buck, my best friend...
He was a teammate
of mine in the minors...
He and I, uh, hitchhiked
all across Route 66.
Boy, best time of my life.
Yeah? Do they
still have the place
where the Cadillacs are
sticking up out of the ground?
Oh, yeah, Cadillac Ranch,
in Merrimac Caverns.
All right.
Yeah, once I lost a
Hopalong Cassidy watch there
when I was ten.
Yeah, it just slipped
right off my wrist.
Yeah, you wouldn't believe it,
but as a youth, I had
very fine-boned wrists.
I can't tell you how many
people mistook me for royalty.
It's true.
Oh, what the hell! We'll
make it a group thing.
All of us will get out
and try to get in touch
with our tribal
instincts. There you go.
Oh, give me strength.
Oh, come on, Lilith,
be happy for us.
We're all dropping
our inhibitions.
We're gonna go out and find
our manhood on the open road.
Yeah, like men!
Yeah, like manly men! Real men!
Like those chicks in
Thelma and Louise!
(cheering)
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What happened here?
Ah, the eight track's acting
up again there, Sammy.
Grab the butter knife
out of the glove
compartment, will you?
Yeah. There you go.
Here we are.
Well, at least we still
got the A.M. radio.
So, how far have we gone?
Oh, about a hundred miles.
Yeah.
Well, it's minus 38.
Why minus 38?
Well, my trip meter
only sets back to 38.
Well, let's see. What's
a hundred minus 38?
Well, why don't we just,
uh, drive 38 more miles?
Then we'll know
we've hit a hundred.
Hey...
I didn't know you
were good at math.
Yeah, well, you know, I
used to be an accountant.
What you reading there, Fras?
Oh, uh...
It's called Iron John.
It's a best-seller about getting
in touch with one's masculinity.
Mmm.
So you're actually gonna
try to read in a moving car?
Doesn't that make you sick?
No.
I always get sick
when I read in a car.
The car bounces around,
you know, your eyes try
to follow the words there.
You can smell the gas fumes.
Pretty soon, you start
sweating and gasping for breath.
What's the problem?
I'm sick.
You know, I'll bet it's
from reading in the car.
I'm telling you.
(inhales) (moans)
What?
I didn't say anything.
Yeah, but you were
thinking something.
No, I wasn't.
Yes, you think I have the
hots for Carla's nephew.
I didn't say that.
'Cause I do.
No kidding?
Oh, like you don't?
You've only been sitting there
for the last four
days staring at him.
And it's worse with you,
because you're married.
That's slutty.
And what about you?
You're ogling him and meanwhile,
you're trying to conceive
a child with another man.
Yes, but he is not my husband,
so that does not make me a slut.
It's perfectly natural.
One can be married
and still be drawn to
the odd magnificent butt.
For once I'm with you, Doc.
I agree, but you know
what I really notice in a guy?
His eyes.
Yeah, but that magnificent
butt thing is right up there.
Yeah, well, this guy has both.
And talk about biceps.
Whoa. You're getting me hot.
Who are we talking about here?
Your nephew, Frankie.
That is so sick!
Carla, surely, as a
woman, you can see
how your nephew might
be considered... desirable.
Sure. You start
thinking like that,
and you end up
with Woody's family.
Just look at you two.
You're acting like a couple
of construction workers.
Carla's right, Lilith.
I mean, we're treating
men just the way
we hate to be treated by them.
Oops, I dropped my purse.
I'll get it for you.
Here you go.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Thank you again. You're welcome.
Okay, I got one.
When was the last
time you guys cried?
Huh? Cliffie?
Uh... well, I guess the, uh,
it's probably my,
uh, junior prom.
Oh, no, no, no. Cliffie,
this is not that story where,
uh, you got stood up and
you had to take your ma
and everyone laughed at
you and pantsed you, is it?
No, no, I said junior prom.
Yeah, you see, Ma was
putting on a boutonniere,
and a pin stuck me in the
chest, I got a staph infection.
Hmm.
How about you, Fras?
Well, the day we
left for this trip,
my son gave me a, a picture.
And you cried?
I cried because it
was so beautiful.
Good luck finding
that hairy man.
Well, at least I can get pricked
by a pin and not almost die.
What about you, Norm?
Well, there was one time, uh,
we thought Vera
was pregnant, and...
then it turns out she wasn't.
I'm sorry, Norm.
You never told me that, buddy.
Well, it turns out,
she was lying.
She didn't tell me
till after the wedding.
I must have cried for a week.
How about you, Sam?
Oh, you guys should see him.
(cooing): He's sleeping
like a little baby.
Aw, it's so cute.
(tires screeching) (yelling)
What seems to be
the trouble, Sam?
Well, I know a little bit
about engines, and...
it seems like
what we got here is
a burned piece of meat.
Yeah, how is my, uh,
hobo steak coming?
Oh, yeah, well, I
threw that on the engine
back in, uh, Lukachukai.
At the risk of hearing
your answer, Cliff,
why would you do
something so stupid?
Oh, well, you,
you cook in there.
You see, you put your
food on the engine,
and then you can drive
and cook at the same time.
Oh, hey, it looks like the
vegetable kabobs are about done.
Maybe they're a
little bit too crisp, huh?
SAM: Come on, let's
get back in the car
and go find a motel,
huh? Yeah, all right.
Hey, Cliffie, I can't
turn the key here.
Well, yeah, it's got a security
device on it there, Sam.
Oh. Yeah, what I
do is turn the wheel
all the way to the
left and then, uh,
crank the key as hard as I can.
(keys jangle)
SAM: Oh, man.
Look at that. I just broke
the key off in the ignition.
I said "as hard
as I can," Sammy.
That's just great.
What are we going to do now?
Looks like I'm going to
have to hot-wire the car here.
Hey, wh-what am
I thinking about?
I've had my cellular phone
the whole time; we can just call
for help. No, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
Frasier, where's your hairy man?
We can save ourselves here.
Yeah, hot-wiring's easy.
Buck showed me how to do it
on a trip across the states.
God, that guy was a whiz
with anything mechanical.
Yeah, here you go.
All you got to do is take
these two wires here
and connect them.
(electricity crackling)
You, you okay there, Sammy?
Diane?
Yeah, well, uh, you know
what your friend Buck, uh,
didn't, uh, reckon
on there, Sammy,
was that Cliff Clavin
anti-theft device.
Yeah, you see old Mr. Car Thief
gets the shock of his life,
the doors
automatically lock shut,
and the alarm goes off.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
The doors lock automatically?
Yeah, but the alarm's
supposed to be going off.
You know, it must
be on the fritz.
Our ears should
be ringing by now.
Oh, I'll just have
to do it manually.
You locked us out of the car!
(cell phone ringing)
My phone!
My phone is ringing!
All right!
And the doors are locked!
Well, break the damn window!
Are you kidding me?!
You know how much
those windows cost?
We don't have time
to argue here, Cliff.
You're not breaking
those windows.
(ringing continues) You
just try it, young man.
You're gonna have to come
through me... (glass breaking)
You're gonna pay for
that, I hope you know.
(ringing continues)
Hello? Hello?
If it's Vera, I'm not here.
Yes, this is Frasier Crane.
Oh, thank God somebody called.
The batteries are
getting sort of low.
Look, I don't have much time.
Excuse me?
Y-Yes, I understand
the Democratic party's
in trouble, and I'd
love to contribute,
but I'm in a little
trouble myself right now.
Oh, damn!
The batteries are dead!
SAM: All right. Okay.
Let's, uh, take it easy, Fras.
Nobody panic.
We'll be all right.
FRASIER: Great.
We're lost, can't start the car.
Way to go, Sam.
SAM: Oh, now wait a minute.
Don't blame me, you know.
It's Cliff's fault for wanting
to see America
like the pioneers.
We should've stayed
on the main road.
Did Charles Kuralt
stay on the main road?
Look, I'm not the one
that fell asleep at the wheel.
I wouldn't have fallen
asleep at the wheel
if you hadn't given
me that extra shift.
Well, we were behind schedule.
Yes, I believe
that was your fault
for getting your fat butt
lodged in that cavern.
Well, I was looking for my
Hopalong Cassidy watch.
Do you mind?!
SAM: Ah, come on, you guys.
Can we stop arguing for,
like, ten seconds here?
Geez, Buck and I went across
the entire United States
and we didn't argue once.
You know, frankly, Sam,
I'm getting a little tired
of hearing about Saint Buck!
If he was so wonderful,
how come none of
us has ever met him?
Because ever since he
got into the Hall of Fame,
he won't return my phone
calls, so I have to hang around
a bunch of losers
in a stupid bar!
Does that answer your
question, Mr. Hairy Man?!
Oh, I'm sorry, guys.
I didn't mean anything by that.
It's just that, well, he
asked the question.
You know, I, I hate to
bring this up, but, uh...
we could really be in some,
some serious trouble here.
Oh, come on, man.
Hey, listen, at least we, uh,
we've got each
other here, right?
I mean, you know, here we are
out in the desert,
back to nature.
I mean, look, look
at this air here.
It's clear. It's fresh.
I mean, isn't that
why we came out here
in the first place? Yeah, yeah.
Look at the stars, guys.
Look at that.
Got to be a million
of 'em up there.
Kind of makes you
feel insignificant, huh?
Yeah, I don't feel anything.
(sighs)
Frankie? Yeah?
I need you to move
those big boxes
to the other side
of the poolroom.
Gosh, Miss Howe,
it's the fifth time today.
I'm getting kind of sweaty.
Well, then take off
your shirt, you goose.
I could have gone
with those guys
on that little road
trip, you know.
I know.
I just wasn't here when
they decided to go.
So you've said.
They, uh, probably
tried to call me
and hung up on my machine. Hmm.
Sometimes it doesn't
record the hang-ups.
Mm-hmm.
You're not much of a
conversationalist, are you?
Where is everybody?
Probably in New Mexico by now.
You know, I could've
gone with 'em
if they'd just left a message.
No, I-I was talking
about my nephew
and Rebecca of Horny Brook Farm.
They're in the back.
Frankie's helping
her move some boxes.
I'll just bet he is.
You know, I'm getting
a little sick of the way
she's throwing herself
all over that guy.
I mean, it's disgusting.
Carla, I've never
seen this side of you.
Yeah, well...
You know, Frankie's sweet.
One day he's going to meet
a nice girl and settle down.
And in the meantime, it's my job
to keep him away
from sleazy women
looking for a quick one-nighter.
You mean women like you?
Ironic, huh?
Oh, Frankie. What?
I thought I told you to
stay away from Rebecca.
Look, the woman is a tramp.
All she wants you
for is your body.
Miss Howe? She seems so nice.
(chuckling): Are you kidding?
She has had every
man in this bar.
Every single one.
What? That's right. Most of 'em,
ten, 20 times.
Look, you're a good
boy, Frankie. Now, go, go.
Get out of here,
before it's too late.
Now, go. Run like the wind!
Go! Don't ever come back!
I won't.
You know what I'm going to
do on the way home? What?
I'm going to stop
at Saint Michael's,
and I'm going to
pray for her soul.
You do that.
How the hell did he
ever get in my family?
PAUL: Hey, Rebecca?
Yes? Rumor has it
you've, uh, slept with
every guy in the bar.
What?
So, uh, how come you haven't
done the wild thing
with old Paul, huh?
I never get
included in anything.
CLIFF: We're
going to die out here.
They're going to find
our bleached bones.
Look, let's just relax
here, everybody.
Everything's going to
seem better in the morning.
Oh, yes, Sam.
"In the morning."
When the desert sun comes up.
By noon, it'll be 120!
Forget it, Doc.
You're never going to see 120.
At 110, your lungs explode.
Cliff, that is ridiculous!
Oh, yeah?
Well, would you like to
make a friendly wager
on that?
How many hours
have we got till sunup?
About four, I'd say.
Well... I've lived a good life.
The only thing I
regret is I didn't
get a chance to say
good-bye to Lilith
and Frederick,
to tell them how
much I love them.
Well, at least
you've got somebody
to carry on your name, you know.
I-I don't have anybody.
If I die out here,
it's me dying alone.
No, you're not,
Sam. You've got us.
Ah... here we are
wasting away in the desert.
I never pictured
that the four of us
would go out like this.
How did you picture it, Cliff?
Well, I pictured, uh,
Sammy getting topped
by a jealous husband.
Norm, I figured you'd,
you know, heart attack.
Frasier here...
Cliff, I, I don't
want to hear it.
You bet you don't.
Oh, look at that.
The sun's about to come up.
FRASIER: Say, uh,
where's, where's
Norm? Oh, he's asleep
in the back here.
Yeah? Well...
well, he's not asleep anymore.
Oh, hey, he's gone!
Well, he's got to be
around here someplace.
Norm! Norm!
Normie! Norm!
Normie! Norm!
Here, Norm!
You, you don't suppose some wolf
dragged him off in
the night, do you?
Well, maybe we ought
to take a look for him.
FRASIER: Not me.
I don't want to meet the
wolf that can drag off Norm.
(horn toots)
Norm! Norm!
Thank God you're safe!
Yeah. Where'd
you get this thing?
It came complimentary
with the room.
What room?
At the resort.
What resort?
The resort just over the
hill, where I spent the night.
You mean you stayed in a resort
while we slept
here in the dirt?!
Why didn't you come and tell us?
How could you do
something like this?!
You guys want to
yell at me some more,
or do you want to make
the breakfast buffet?
It stops in ten minutes.
Well, naturally, the buffet.
a live studio audience.
Oh, shoot!
It's a minus! I'm not pregnant.
Well, we only started
trying last night.
I guess we can't expect
to get pregnant the first time.
Well, I thought
that's what the fourth
and fifth times were for.
Fifth time. You imagine that?
I'm only up to three.
I just want to be pregnant now.
Rebecca, why don't
you approach this
from a scientific point of view?
Make a simple plot-point graph,
and chart your basal temperature
at a fixed hour each morning.
After a couple of months,
a pattern will emerge,
thereby making your peak
fertility days absolutely predictable.
Good idea. Thanks, Lilith!
Whew, boy! You guys
went through all that?
No, we just got ripped
one night and tore one off.
Remember that, sugar, huh?
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Look, guys,
postcards from Woody.
Eh?
Eh?
Hey, all right.
Listen to mine.
"Dear Miss Howe, I'm having
a great time on vacation.
"I miss everyone there,
but I miss you most of all.
Love, Woody."
What does yours say, Sam?
"Dear Sam, I'm having
a great time on vacation.
"I miss everyone there,
but I miss you most of all.
Love, Woody."
"I'm having a great
time on vacation.
"I miss everyone there, but I
miss you most of all. Love, Woody."
Cliffie?
Well, "Dear Mr. Clavin,
"I'm having a great
time on vacation.
Love, Woody."
Hey, Frasier, Lilith.
What'll you have?
A scotch, Sam.
And whatever my
Neanderthal husband will have.
You two fighting?
No, on the contrary, Sam,
I insist that she call me that.
Frasier's been captivated
by a new theory of masculinity
which suggests within each
man is a hidden primal beast,
softened by years of
civilization and sensitivity.
He saw it on Sally Jesse.
Yes, and they got a really
cool name for this beast.
It's called the
"Inner Hairy Man."
Or in your case, dear,
"The Receding Hairy Man."
She thinks it's
all very childish.
No, I don't.
Oh, tell your little friends
all about your big field trip.
Primal journey, Lilith.
You see, I'm just gonna
get into my car and go.
Out on the open road.
I'm taking a week off.
I'm gonna get in touch
with my hidden beast.
Ah, good luck.
Thanks, Sam.
You know, actually I was
gonna invite you to join me.
You see, I get a little nervous
when I drive at night.
Oh, yeah, it'd be nice, but, uh,
Woody's on vacation, you know.
CARLA: Oh, well,
that's okay, Sammy.
I could get my nephew
Frankie to help out.
He's a good kid,
real sweet, Frankie.
Of course, he's
never been in a bar,
but he'll be okay.
Oh, I don't know about this.
You know, this is my
livelihood, my business.
I don't want to
just turn it over
to somebody
because they're family.
He'll work for minimum wage.
I'm in! Great!
Great.
Hey, this is great. So, uh,
where are we gonna go?
Desert? Mountains?
Well, actually, Sam, the
location doesn't really matter.
This is more of a
spiritual journey,
an heroic quest.
You know, you know, if
we, uh, drive to California,
we could go see Disneyland.
Ooh! Yeah.
Perhaps you could find your
manhood on the giant teacups.
Yeah, a road trip to Disneyland.
Sounds fun.
You want to join us, Norm?
Well (stammers)...
I'm sure you two gentlemen
have something to do.
Oh, no problemo.
I got a couple of weeks
vacation coming up.
Really? Oh, yeah, my
supervisor reminds me daily.
Well, Cliff, I, uh,
I don't know if my
car is big enough...
Oh, let's take my wagon.
What do you say, Norm? Huh?
The four of us tooling
down old mother road,
getting in touch with the
old hairy man-mobile, huh?
I don't know. I don't
think I could handle
sitting still for
six hours a day.
Well, yeah, it'd
be more like ten.
Oh, then I'm in.
SAM: Boy, I'll never forget,
when I was 19,
Buck, my best friend...
He was a teammate
of mine in the minors...
He and I, uh, hitchhiked
all across Route 66.
Boy, best time of my life.
Yeah? Do they
still have the place
where the Cadillacs are
sticking up out of the ground?
Oh, yeah, Cadillac Ranch,
in Merrimac Caverns.
All right.
Yeah, once I lost a
Hopalong Cassidy watch there
when I was ten.
Yeah, it just slipped
right off my wrist.
Yeah, you wouldn't believe it,
but as a youth, I had
very fine-boned wrists.
I can't tell you how many
people mistook me for royalty.
It's true.
Oh, what the hell! We'll
make it a group thing.
All of us will get out
and try to get in touch
with our tribal
instincts. There you go.
Oh, give me strength.
Oh, come on, Lilith,
be happy for us.
We're all dropping
our inhibitions.
We're gonna go out and find
our manhood on the open road.
Yeah, like men!
Yeah, like manly men! Real men!
Like those chicks in
Thelma and Louise!
(cheering)
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What happened here?
Ah, the eight track's acting
up again there, Sammy.
Grab the butter knife
out of the glove
compartment, will you?
Yeah. There you go.
Here we are.
Well, at least we still
got the A.M. radio.
So, how far have we gone?
Oh, about a hundred miles.
Yeah.
Well, it's minus 38.
Why minus 38?
Well, my trip meter
only sets back to 38.
Well, let's see. What's
a hundred minus 38?
Well, why don't we just,
uh, drive 38 more miles?
Then we'll know
we've hit a hundred.
Hey...
I didn't know you
were good at math.
Yeah, well, you know, I
used to be an accountant.
What you reading there, Fras?
Oh, uh...
It's called Iron John.
It's a best-seller about getting
in touch with one's masculinity.
Mmm.
So you're actually gonna
try to read in a moving car?
Doesn't that make you sick?
No.
I always get sick
when I read in a car.
The car bounces around,
you know, your eyes try
to follow the words there.
You can smell the gas fumes.
Pretty soon, you start
sweating and gasping for breath.
What's the problem?
I'm sick.
You know, I'll bet it's
from reading in the car.
I'm telling you.
(inhales) (moans)
What?
I didn't say anything.
Yeah, but you were
thinking something.
No, I wasn't.
Yes, you think I have the
hots for Carla's nephew.
I didn't say that.
'Cause I do.
No kidding?
Oh, like you don't?
You've only been sitting there
for the last four
days staring at him.
And it's worse with you,
because you're married.
That's slutty.
And what about you?
You're ogling him and meanwhile,
you're trying to conceive
a child with another man.
Yes, but he is not my husband,
so that does not make me a slut.
It's perfectly natural.
One can be married
and still be drawn to
the odd magnificent butt.
For once I'm with you, Doc.
I agree, but you know
what I really notice in a guy?
His eyes.
Yeah, but that magnificent
butt thing is right up there.
Yeah, well, this guy has both.
And talk about biceps.
Whoa. You're getting me hot.
Who are we talking about here?
Your nephew, Frankie.
That is so sick!
Carla, surely, as a
woman, you can see
how your nephew might
be considered... desirable.
Sure. You start
thinking like that,
and you end up
with Woody's family.
Just look at you two.
You're acting like a couple
of construction workers.
Carla's right, Lilith.
I mean, we're treating
men just the way
we hate to be treated by them.
Oops, I dropped my purse.
I'll get it for you.
Here you go.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Thank you again. You're welcome.
Okay, I got one.
When was the last
time you guys cried?
Huh? Cliffie?
Uh... well, I guess the, uh,
it's probably my,
uh, junior prom.
Oh, no, no, no. Cliffie,
this is not that story where,
uh, you got stood up and
you had to take your ma
and everyone laughed at
you and pantsed you, is it?
No, no, I said junior prom.
Yeah, you see, Ma was
putting on a boutonniere,
and a pin stuck me in the
chest, I got a staph infection.
Hmm.
How about you, Fras?
Well, the day we
left for this trip,
my son gave me a, a picture.
And you cried?
I cried because it
was so beautiful.
Good luck finding
that hairy man.
Well, at least I can get pricked
by a pin and not almost die.
What about you, Norm?
Well, there was one time, uh,
we thought Vera
was pregnant, and...
then it turns out she wasn't.
I'm sorry, Norm.
You never told me that, buddy.
Well, it turns out,
she was lying.
She didn't tell me
till after the wedding.
I must have cried for a week.
How about you, Sam?
Oh, you guys should see him.
(cooing): He's sleeping
like a little baby.
Aw, it's so cute.
(tires screeching) (yelling)
What seems to be
the trouble, Sam?
Well, I know a little bit
about engines, and...
it seems like
what we got here is
a burned piece of meat.
Yeah, how is my, uh,
hobo steak coming?
Oh, yeah, well, I
threw that on the engine
back in, uh, Lukachukai.
At the risk of hearing
your answer, Cliff,
why would you do
something so stupid?
Oh, well, you,
you cook in there.
You see, you put your
food on the engine,
and then you can drive
and cook at the same time.
Oh, hey, it looks like the
vegetable kabobs are about done.
Maybe they're a
little bit too crisp, huh?
SAM: Come on, let's
get back in the car
and go find a motel,
huh? Yeah, all right.
Hey, Cliffie, I can't
turn the key here.
Well, yeah, it's got a security
device on it there, Sam.
Oh. Yeah, what I
do is turn the wheel
all the way to the
left and then, uh,
crank the key as hard as I can.
(keys jangle)
SAM: Oh, man.
Look at that. I just broke
the key off in the ignition.
I said "as hard
as I can," Sammy.
That's just great.
What are we going to do now?
Looks like I'm going to
have to hot-wire the car here.
Hey, wh-what am
I thinking about?
I've had my cellular phone
the whole time; we can just call
for help. No, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
Frasier, where's your hairy man?
We can save ourselves here.
Yeah, hot-wiring's easy.
Buck showed me how to do it
on a trip across the states.
God, that guy was a whiz
with anything mechanical.
Yeah, here you go.
All you got to do is take
these two wires here
and connect them.
(electricity crackling)
You, you okay there, Sammy?
Diane?
Yeah, well, uh, you know
what your friend Buck, uh,
didn't, uh, reckon
on there, Sammy,
was that Cliff Clavin
anti-theft device.
Yeah, you see old Mr. Car Thief
gets the shock of his life,
the doors
automatically lock shut,
and the alarm goes off.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
The doors lock automatically?
Yeah, but the alarm's
supposed to be going off.
You know, it must
be on the fritz.
Our ears should
be ringing by now.
Oh, I'll just have
to do it manually.
You locked us out of the car!
(cell phone ringing)
My phone!
My phone is ringing!
All right!
And the doors are locked!
Well, break the damn window!
Are you kidding me?!
You know how much
those windows cost?
We don't have time
to argue here, Cliff.
You're not breaking
those windows.
(ringing continues) You
just try it, young man.
You're gonna have to come
through me... (glass breaking)
You're gonna pay for
that, I hope you know.
(ringing continues)
Hello? Hello?
If it's Vera, I'm not here.
Yes, this is Frasier Crane.
Oh, thank God somebody called.
The batteries are
getting sort of low.
Look, I don't have much time.
Excuse me?
Y-Yes, I understand
the Democratic party's
in trouble, and I'd
love to contribute,
but I'm in a little
trouble myself right now.
Oh, damn!
The batteries are dead!
SAM: All right. Okay.
Let's, uh, take it easy, Fras.
Nobody panic.
We'll be all right.
FRASIER: Great.
We're lost, can't start the car.
Way to go, Sam.
SAM: Oh, now wait a minute.
Don't blame me, you know.
It's Cliff's fault for wanting
to see America
like the pioneers.
We should've stayed
on the main road.
Did Charles Kuralt
stay on the main road?
Look, I'm not the one
that fell asleep at the wheel.
I wouldn't have fallen
asleep at the wheel
if you hadn't given
me that extra shift.
Well, we were behind schedule.
Yes, I believe
that was your fault
for getting your fat butt
lodged in that cavern.
Well, I was looking for my
Hopalong Cassidy watch.
Do you mind?!
SAM: Ah, come on, you guys.
Can we stop arguing for,
like, ten seconds here?
Geez, Buck and I went across
the entire United States
and we didn't argue once.
You know, frankly, Sam,
I'm getting a little tired
of hearing about Saint Buck!
If he was so wonderful,
how come none of
us has ever met him?
Because ever since he
got into the Hall of Fame,
he won't return my phone
calls, so I have to hang around
a bunch of losers
in a stupid bar!
Does that answer your
question, Mr. Hairy Man?!
Oh, I'm sorry, guys.
I didn't mean anything by that.
It's just that, well, he
asked the question.
You know, I, I hate to
bring this up, but, uh...
we could really be in some,
some serious trouble here.
Oh, come on, man.
Hey, listen, at least we, uh,
we've got each
other here, right?
I mean, you know, here we are
out in the desert,
back to nature.
I mean, look, look
at this air here.
It's clear. It's fresh.
I mean, isn't that
why we came out here
in the first place? Yeah, yeah.
Look at the stars, guys.
Look at that.
Got to be a million
of 'em up there.
Kind of makes you
feel insignificant, huh?
Yeah, I don't feel anything.
(sighs)
Frankie? Yeah?
I need you to move
those big boxes
to the other side
of the poolroom.
Gosh, Miss Howe,
it's the fifth time today.
I'm getting kind of sweaty.
Well, then take off
your shirt, you goose.
I could have gone
with those guys
on that little road
trip, you know.
I know.
I just wasn't here when
they decided to go.
So you've said.
They, uh, probably
tried to call me
and hung up on my machine. Hmm.
Sometimes it doesn't
record the hang-ups.
Mm-hmm.
You're not much of a
conversationalist, are you?
Where is everybody?
Probably in New Mexico by now.
You know, I could've
gone with 'em
if they'd just left a message.
No, I-I was talking
about my nephew
and Rebecca of Horny Brook Farm.
They're in the back.
Frankie's helping
her move some boxes.
I'll just bet he is.
You know, I'm getting
a little sick of the way
she's throwing herself
all over that guy.
I mean, it's disgusting.
Carla, I've never
seen this side of you.
Yeah, well...
You know, Frankie's sweet.
One day he's going to meet
a nice girl and settle down.
And in the meantime, it's my job
to keep him away
from sleazy women
looking for a quick one-nighter.
You mean women like you?
Ironic, huh?
Oh, Frankie. What?
I thought I told you to
stay away from Rebecca.
Look, the woman is a tramp.
All she wants you
for is your body.
Miss Howe? She seems so nice.
(chuckling): Are you kidding?
She has had every
man in this bar.
Every single one.
What? That's right. Most of 'em,
ten, 20 times.
Look, you're a good
boy, Frankie. Now, go, go.
Get out of here,
before it's too late.
Now, go. Run like the wind!
Go! Don't ever come back!
I won't.
You know what I'm going to
do on the way home? What?
I'm going to stop
at Saint Michael's,
and I'm going to
pray for her soul.
You do that.
How the hell did he
ever get in my family?
PAUL: Hey, Rebecca?
Yes? Rumor has it
you've, uh, slept with
every guy in the bar.
What?
So, uh, how come you haven't
done the wild thing
with old Paul, huh?
I never get
included in anything.
CLIFF: We're
going to die out here.
They're going to find
our bleached bones.
Look, let's just relax
here, everybody.
Everything's going to
seem better in the morning.
Oh, yes, Sam.
"In the morning."
When the desert sun comes up.
By noon, it'll be 120!
Forget it, Doc.
You're never going to see 120.
At 110, your lungs explode.
Cliff, that is ridiculous!
Oh, yeah?
Well, would you like to
make a friendly wager
on that?
How many hours
have we got till sunup?
About four, I'd say.
Well... I've lived a good life.
The only thing I
regret is I didn't
get a chance to say
good-bye to Lilith
and Frederick,
to tell them how
much I love them.
Well, at least
you've got somebody
to carry on your name, you know.
I-I don't have anybody.
If I die out here,
it's me dying alone.
No, you're not,
Sam. You've got us.
Ah... here we are
wasting away in the desert.
I never pictured
that the four of us
would go out like this.
How did you picture it, Cliff?
Well, I pictured, uh,
Sammy getting topped
by a jealous husband.
Norm, I figured you'd,
you know, heart attack.
Frasier here...
Cliff, I, I don't
want to hear it.
You bet you don't.
Oh, look at that.
The sun's about to come up.
FRASIER: Say, uh,
where's, where's
Norm? Oh, he's asleep
in the back here.
Yeah? Well...
well, he's not asleep anymore.
Oh, hey, he's gone!
Well, he's got to be
around here someplace.
Norm! Norm!
Normie! Norm!
Normie! Norm!
Here, Norm!
You, you don't suppose some wolf
dragged him off in
the night, do you?
Well, maybe we ought
to take a look for him.
FRASIER: Not me.
I don't want to meet the
wolf that can drag off Norm.
(horn toots)
Norm! Norm!
Thank God you're safe!
Yeah. Where'd
you get this thing?
It came complimentary
with the room.
What room?
At the resort.
What resort?
The resort just over the
hill, where I spent the night.
You mean you stayed in a resort
while we slept
here in the dirt?!
Why didn't you come and tell us?
How could you do
something like this?!
You guys want to
yell at me some more,
or do you want to make
the breakfast buffet?
It stops in ten minutes.
Well, naturally, the buffet.