Cheers (1982–1993): Season 10, Episode 15 - My Son, My Father - full transcript

Carla acts like a holy terror when her son decides to join the priesthood.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Cold outside, huh?

Yes.

And we got a slush thing going.

So it seems.

Beer nut?

No, thank you.

Have you ever been
with an older man?

Woody, I'm ready to settle up.

I'm not looking for commitment.

Cold outside, huh?



♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪



Paul, what time you got?

10:36.

All right, lunchtime.

Wood... let's order, please.

Oh, okay, what
will you guys have?

Chinese, subs,
cheese steak, Mexican?

Mmm, sounds good.

Mm-hmm.

Now, wait a minute.

The lunch special upstairs

at Melville's today
is crab salad.

Yeah?

Yeah. It's delicious.

If you ask Mr. Hill
really, really nice,

he'll give you your
pick of the leftovers.

Leftovers?

Woody, why don't
you just go out back

and crawl through
the Dumpster, huh?

What for?

All he throws back there is

the food that
clogs up his drain.

You know, the, the
greasy fried stuff.

Don't even think about it.

You were thinking
the same thing.

Yeah, but not as long as you.

I have a problem, don't I?

Well, what about you, Sam?
You want some crab salad?

From Melville's? Forget it.

I hate that guy John Hill.

I'd like to rip his head off

and dribble it down
Beacon Street.

Well, forget the
crab salad, Sam.

I think you could use
something with a little fiber in it.

Woody, I forbid you
to eat that man's food.

Well, Sam, it's a free lunch,

and you know how much I make.

I mean, I don't always have
enough money for lunch,

but I do get awful hungry.

And, remember, we had that talk

about the pretzels being
just for the customers.

Oh, go on, go
on, get out of here.

Go eat your stupid salad.

Sam, just how much
do you pay that boy?

I pay him a fair amount.

See, Fras, I don't
think you understand

that a, a bartender's
hourly wage is

just a very small portion
of his overall income.

Most of it comes from tips.

I see.

I won't bring it up again, Sam.

I think that'd be best.

Hey, everybody, shut your yaps.

My son has a big
announcement to make.

Okay, go on, Gino, tell them

what you told me
before in the car.

I said, "Ma, I think I
want to be a priest."

Did you hear that?
Did you hear that?!

My kid is going to be a priest.

Finally, when I visit one
of my kids on Sunday,

there's not going to be an
inch of glass between us.

Well, congratulations, Gino.

I'm happy for you.

Happy for him? That's
not enough, Sam.

This calls for a beer.

Come on, the guy's
underage, Norm.

Oh, it's not for him.

Can't I be happy for the lad?

Gino, here you go.

I want to give you
a little money here.

I want you to go out,

buy yourself some
nice clothes, okay?

I don't want God to think
he's getting himself a bum.

Thanks, Ma.

Congratulations, Gino.

I think it's terrific
when a young man

like yourself finds his calling.

I'm happy for you.

Oh, yeah? How happy?

Why don't you, uh, show me?

You know that if you have
a kid who's a priest or a nun,

you automatically
get into Heaven.

No questions asked.

Can I get a beer, Carla?

Ah. Paul, Paul...

There!

Isn't this great?

Right now, God is shrugging
and saying, "What can I do?"

Hey, everybody.

You'll all be very happy to know

that I am now a, uh,
published humorist.

Wow. The Post Office Newsletter.

I hear that's tough to get into.

Oh, yeah, I'll say.

Yeah, they've been after
me for quite some time now,

and I finally gave
them permission to,

uh, print one of
my "daffynitions."

All right, let's hear it.

What? Hey, hey, he
was going to do it anyway.

Don't make me the bad guy here.

Here you go, uh... Daffynition,

Postal Increase:

What happens to your feet
after your finish your route.

Now, Lilith, you, uh, you
thought that was funny?

Oh, yes.

You should see her at
a Marx Brothers' movie.

Isn't Zeppo hysterical?

The way he just stands there

without expression or reaction.

Boy, that cracks me up.

You guys are really missing out.

This crab salad looks great.

All right. Where's ours?

Well, I thought you
said you didn't want any.

I don't remember saying
that. Do you, Norm?

I never said that in my life.

Come on. I thought you guys

were going to order
something else.

Well, we didn't, Woody.

It's nearly 11:00.

I'm getting a little dizzy.

That does look kind of good.

Aah, I can't give you
guys my food every day.

Woody, it's not every day.

It's just on days I'm
particularly hungry, okay?

Don't bite my
head off. I mean it.

You know, you've got
that look in your eye.

Ow... Oh! Aah...

What's wrong, Sam?

Oh, I think I broke my tooth.

I don't believe that.

There's a shell in this salad.

I'm going to sue him
for everything he's worth.

Oh, great! Just when
I get a little ahead

in my checking account.

Not you, Woody... Hill.

Ooh, you know something?

I am going to sue him.

Oh, yes! Oh, yes, and
I'm going to win, too.

Here's to me! All right.

Hey, Becs, what you doing?

Well, I'm trying to get
these receipts ready

for income tax time.

Man, I wish you
people would just write

the dates on these things.

Half of them I had
to cross-reference

against the register tape.

It took me half the night
to get these organized.

Gee, up all night.

You could catch a chill.

Here, let me warm you up.

No! Don't!

Stop it!

You are evil!

That's right, all day long.

And it doesn't matter,
because my son is good,

and I've got myself a
get-out-of-Hell-free card.

You know, uh,

I've been thinking about
Carla's son becoming priest.

Get this, "My son, the father."

Get it? "My son, the father."

That's a rich comedy
area, I'm telling you.

Lord help me, I miss
the "daffynitions."

Oh, hey, do I hear a request?

Okay. Daffynition. Psychiatrist:

a guy who shrinks your
head and your bank account.

Ouch.

Yeah...

Bull's-eye.

Yeah, well, you know,

I've got enough material for
an entire stand-up comedy act.

Okay, all right, uh...

Why is it that women
go to a "stylist"

and men go to barbers?

What's up with that?

That's so true.

I got an impersonation for you.

An impression, ready?

I am not a crook.

Well, you guys know
me. Home to see Vera.

I want to go, too, Norm.

I, I heard so many good things.

Oh, please don't leave me.

Yeah, you know, I
was, uh, watching

this commercial on TV
with the Ginsu knives.

Hey, what's up with that?

I hate that commercial.

This is good stuff.

You know, she can
also hear a dog-whistle.

You know, uh,

you know, all my life I've, uh,

kind of wanted to be
a stand-up comedian.

You know, uh,
oh, here, here it is.

How's this for an idea?

Comedy night at Cheers.

Seven nights a week,
six shows a night.

The cock-eyed
mind of Cliff Clavin.

So you're saying it'd be
just like any other night

except for the mike?

Yeah, yeah!

Hey, hey, what to you
say there, Becs? Huh?

Well, I guess you could
do your comedy here, Cliff.

But you know what?

I mean, wouldn't
you rather do it

at a professional comedy club?

Huh? You know, the Laugh Tureen

in Kenmore Square
has an open mike night.

Oh, yeah.

As a matter of fact,
I think it's tonight.

Hey, that's a great
idea, Rebecca.

I'll just, uh, yeah,
spend the afternoon

polishing up my act and,
uh, showcase it there tonight.

Oh, why waste all
this stuff on you guys?

See you later.

And you people
think I'm so stupid.

Sam, did you see your dentist?
Did you get your tooth fixed?

Yeth... Good as new.

They shoot you full of Novocain?

Yeth, they did. It's
all worn off now.

All right, there now.

There's all my receipts.

Now I'm ready.

Where's my calculator?

Oh, oh, here it is.

I was just washing
it off for you.

Here you go.

Come on, just plug it in
and start tapping away.

Carla, this is, this is
an expensive calculator.

Oh, yeah.

I'm probably going
to rot in Hell for that.

Not!

Ah, Miss Tortelli,
nice to see you again.

What're you doing
down here, Hill?

Hope you're not here
to ask me for a date.

Date?

Is that what you call it?

I think we skipped
dating, Miss Tortelli,

and went straight
to the fall of Rome.

Tell me,

is the rumor true your
son's going to be a priest?

Yeah, what of it?

Well, I didn't realize
you were Catholic.

The only time I've heard you say

anything remotely religious

was that night a few weeks ago

when you called me Zeus.

The hell I did.

You want me to
run the videotape?

Ah, Hill.

Uh, Sam, you wanted to see me?

Yeth, I did.

What do you think that is?

Well, it looks like some
kind of animal tooth, Sam.

Is my tooth.

I broke it on your salad.

And I want you to know
I will see you in court.

Oh. Yeah.

Good heavens,
this is frightening.

I'm being sued.

By Elmer Fudd.

Listen, Sam,

I don't recall selling
you any crab salad.

And I don't recall you
being in my restaurant.

What I do remember is that I
gave Woody some leftovers,

and you can't sue me for that.

Incidentally, Sam,
you're drooling.

That guy dwives me cwazy.

Oh, oh, Becs,

there you are.

They just called for you.

Apparently, there's been a
horrible fire at your apartment.

Oh, right, Carla,

you've been trying to
get to me all day long.

Just knock it off. It's
not even funny anymore.

I'm being totally serious.

I know this is the worst time

for you to hear this
kind of news from me.

I know you don't
believe me, but,

really, I'm telling the truth.

I wouldn't joke about
something like that.

You're serious
about this, aren't you?

Yeah, I am, Becs. I'm sorry.

Oh, my God!

Everything I own.

It's gone!

Oh, dear!

Woody, cover for me, please.

I got to go out.

I'm too upset, Miss Howe.

I just found out my whole
apartment building burned down.

This is sick!

Yeah, but it's funny.

Carla, you have, you
have to stop this now.

Or what?

God'll smite me with his sword?

He gets it halfway out,

an angel taps him
on his shoulder

and says, "Hold it,
her kid's a priest."

God just stands there fuming.

Hey, Ma, check it out.

Gino, what, what
are you wearing?

Isn't that a little
flashy for a priest?

Oh, no, a priest.

That was this morning.

I'm gonna be a male model.

I figured why waste
these looks on the church?

Uh-oh.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Carla, you've been
leaping out of your skin

every time there's
a clap of thunder.

Surely you know it's
simply static electricity

being discharged
into the atmosphere.

You are so naive!

Carla, you've got to calm down.

You don't get it!

I mocked God!

And this is not like getting
in trouble with your parents

or your teachers or your boss.

I mean, this is God!

Famine, flood,

pestilence, disease.

Who do you think
came up with that?

He is just toying with me now.

Carla, you can't believe

that God has a personal
vendetta against you.

Look at my kids.

Look at my husbands.

Look at my life.

What do you think?

Uh, I don't think
any major religion

still propounds the
theory of a vindictive God,

who hurls thunderbolts

and takes personal vengeance
on people's transgressions.

I believe that's for you.

Okay.

Okay, I got it.

Starting right now,

I'm gonna lead the perfect life.

I'm gonna be good.

Gonna be nice.

From now on, I'm
going to be nice.

Carla, would you
please serve table seven?

Shut up!

So far, so good.

You know, Carla never
ceases to amaze me.

She has a strange mixture
of fervent religious faith

and primitive superstition.

I suppose it's a result

of our ever-changing,
mixed-up culture.

I don't know that
you should blame

Carla's belief system
on culture, Frasier.

The need to worship higher
intelligence is an innate

and universal phenomenon.

In fact, in recent weeks,

it's become clear that
my lab rats worship me

as a goddess.

I must confess,

I don't discourage them.

That's very interesting, dear.

Apropos of nothing, uh,

how many vacation
days do you have coming?

I don't know.

Uh... 80, 85.

Well, what do you
say we cash 50,

60 of those in and have
you spend a little time

with, uh, some, oh...

I don't know, some people?

Sam, where have
you been all afternoon?

Oh, just pacing back
and forth with my sign,

ruining John Hill's business.

I saw him peeking
out the window.

I think he's ready
to make a deal.

How do you like my sign, huh?

"I broke a tooth at Melville's.

Ask me how."

That's a very
scary little spider

holding the tooth there, Sam.

That's, uh, that's
a crab actually.

Crab.

Well, looks like a spider.

You know, a lot
of people said that,

so I ended up
changing the story.

I told 'em, that there
was this outbreak

of poisonous spiders
up at Melville's.

It scared the hell out of 'em.

Sam?

Stay for this. This
should be fun.

Yes, John?

Let's get down to
brass tacks, Sam.

Absurd as it may sound,

you and your scary spider...

That's a crab. Crab.

Forgive me.

You and your scary crab

are driving my customers away,

so let's settle this right now.

I'll pay for your
dental bill and add,

say, uh, $500 in cash.

It's a deal.

You all right, man?

There's a rock in
your pretzel dish, Sam.

That is deliberate negligence.

Oh, it is not!

Come on, man,
you put that there. I...

Wha...

A picture is worth a
thousand words, Sam.

Thank you.

Uh, now for the final
performer this evening,

let's put our hands together
for the merry mailman,

Cliff Clavin.

Come on, put 'em together.

Hey. Oh, yeah, thanks.

Uh, hi ya!

So, uh,

Boston audiences are the
greatest audiences in the world.

Uh, you know, I
got this friend, uh,

whose son is gonna
become a priest.

I know where this is going.

"My son, the father."

What's up with that?

I never thought I'd see a
whole roomful of people

not laughing at Cliff.

Well, hey, let's see what topics
we got in the ol' mailbag, huh?

Hey, oh, uh, here's one.

Uh, anybody have a chance
to call a TV repairman lately?

What's up with that?

Here's a doozy.

Avon lady... ding dong.

What's up with that?

Well, that's it for me.

Well, I know, uh,

seriously, folks,
on-on a serious note

I just want to say...

drinking and driving.

What's up with that?

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

I've really enjoyed it, uh,

and I gotta say
this is the most love

I've ever felt in
one room in my life.

Thank you. Thank you.

Normie, where'd everybody go?

There was a, uh, bomb scare.

Really?

Where?

Right about where
you were standing.

Oh, hey, Cliff.

How'd it go at the club?

Daffynition.

Cliff Clavin: Stand-up comic.

It's not a joke, Lilith.

That was my pain.

Oh, the topper.

Excuse me,

I have to go compose myself.

Well, Cliff, I guess you
had to learn the hard way.

But you know, maybe
stand-up comedy

is just something you
don't have a knack for.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I can't figure out
what went wrong.

I mean, the material
was gangbusters.

I wrote it myself.

Must have been the audience.

What's up with that?

See?

I still got it.

Carla, doesn't that hurt?

Yeah, but I deserve it.

I'm atoning.

I thought of
walking on hot coals,

and I thought of
sleeping on a bed of nails,

but nothing I think
of seems like enough.

I just got to think of
some way to punish myself

that no human being
has ever done before.

Oh, hey, I got it, Becs.

All I have to do is find
somebody to sit down with me,

you know, like a personal
audience, and I'll go over my routine,

you know, over and over again,

a hundred times or
so until I nail it down.

Huh?

Any volunteers?

You really play
hardball, don't you?