Cheers (1982–1993): Season 10, Episode 13 - Don't Shoot... I'm Only the Psychiatrist - full transcript

Frasier takes his "low self-esteem group" to Cheers for interactive therapy.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hey, guys.

I brought in some
leftover birthday cake

from the party.

Thought you might
like to share it.

Whose birthday...
One of your kids?

Yeah, right. You
see a file in it?

Today happens to be
Elvis Presley's birthday.

Celebrating the
birthday of a dead guy?

That's kind of
ghoulish, isn't it?

I don't know how you could
stomach something like that.



It's double mocha
chocolate fudge.

Long live the King.

Those of us who keep the
faith believe that on this day

he's going to make
his presence known.

Yeah, uh, how's
he going to do that?

Well, it could be anything...

Song on the radio,
whisper in the wind,

just something that
unmistakably says "Elvis."

The early Elvis.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪



♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Ah, good afternoon,
Miss Tortelli.

Oh, Hill.

What, are you on an ugly break?

Oh, my. Someone certainly got up

on the wrong side
of town this morning.

What's the matter, Hill,
your scalp on too tight?

Very funny.

Free this evening?

Just get it through
your hairy ears,

whatever happened between us

was strictly a
seven-night stand.

Oh...

You're forgetting...

All right, seven nights, two
lunch breaks, and a bus ride.

I love slumming with you.

Well, just forget it.

Today is Elvis' birthday,
and I'm not interested.

Get out of here.

Okay, but if you
change your mind,

you know where you can get me.

Good Lord, do you
know where to get me.

Woof!

I can't believe it.

What is it, Sam?

Oh...

Tony, my hairstylist...

He's making a left on Boylston
and this bus cut him off.

Car jumped the curb,

and he slammed
into this hot dog stand

and ended up in the
middle of the pond

in the public gardens.

He's at the hospital
now with two broken legs.

Got to cancel my
hair appointment.

I hate it when stuff
like that happens to me.

Greetings, all.

I have a brief announcement.

You may recall last year

I brought in my
dysfunctional men's group.

Well, unfortunately,

my low self-esteem
group heard about it

and now they think
they're not good enough.

So you're bringing them here?

Well, I'd like the group
to get used to a normal,

healthy, social environment.

So you're bringing them here?

Look, all I'm asking, guys,

is that you treat them
as if they were at home.

You know, they've all been
wounded and they're vulnerable,

and, well, the truth is,

you'll never find a
sadder group of people.

Oh, yeah?

How about the Donner party?

Well, you know, they-they
got lost in the mountains

and had to watch
their limbs freeze off

while they ate each other.

Well, you caught me.

Cannibalism is sadder
than low self-esteem.

Carla, what's the date?

Don't you know?

Rebecca, on this date

in 1935, Elvis Aaron
Presley was born.

A man who was destined

to change the shape
of popular music.

A man who captured
the hearts of America.

A man who, through his music...

Can I have my drink?

Taught us all the
meaning of love.

Listen, I have a
question for you, Tony.

Uh, are your arms
broken as well,

or is it j-just the legs?

Just the legs are shattered.

All right!

Say, all right, Tony,

maybe if I showed up
there with some scissors

I could lean over the
bed and y... Tony?

Tony, don't-don't
pass out on me, man.

Hello?

Who's this?

You're his nurse?

Ah, great.

Listen, honey, do you
cut hair by any chance?

Hello? Shoot!

I hate this.

I can hear the little hairs
scraping along my collar.

Can you hear that,
or is that just me?

Hey, Sam, why don't
you let me cut your hair?

That's cute, man,
that's very funny.

Took my mind off my
hair there for a minute.

No, Sam, I'm serious.

I-I'm pretty good at it.

I cut Dr. Crane's hair once.

Yes, uh, he did, and I must
say he did an excellent job.

No, I don't know,
Woody, I don't know.

Sam, look, all right,

let me just trim the back,
just to get it off the collar

so you don't
have to listen to it.

So we don't
have to listen to it.

All right, just
the back, though.

This is what we're gonna need:

sterile tungsten steel scissors,

English bone
comb, 36 to 39 tines,

and a conditioner
with a pro-vitamin

B-5 keratin complex.

Got that?

And this little
tool of the trade.

Take the bowl off the head.

Sam, it's just a
little barber humor.

Come on!

No, it's, like, uh...

All right, what do
you say to someone

who just had their ears lowered?

Oh, darn, I blew the joke.

All right...

Step down.

Step down.

Step down.

Hi.

Wouldn't you know, it's always
the one that talks big in the office.

Oh, that's right,
that's his ride. Oh.

Well, all right, uh, the
rest of you, uh, mingle.

No, no. Boys, what we're
doing here is huddling.

You do know the difference
between huddling and mingling?

I know how to mingle.

I just don't want to mingle
with people I don't know.

Yes, that's right, Lester.

Frasier, I didn't
quite catch that.

Truth be told, neither did I.

I haven't understood a thing
the poor sap's said in years.

Frasier,

I must restate my objection
to your bringing them here.

As I've said previously,
this is an extremely risky

and somewhat
frivolous experiment,

which could have
negative repercussions.

Oh, Wilma, loosen
up the bone a little!

This is an uncontrolled
environment

which could easily
get out of hand.

And who's this Wilma?

Are you sure you
know what you're doing?

I think so.

Oh, is that some of
your barber humor?

Come on, lighten up, Sam!

Say, where's your
sense of humor, man?

Whoo!

Airplane ride?

Whoo!

Don't, don't do that.

Round trip? Whoo!

So...

you from around here?

Woody...

just get to it,
will you, please?

Hey, suit yourself. Same price.

It's all right, Sam. Okay.

So, uh, you're the guys
with low self-esteem, huh?

Yeah, well, luckily, I
don't have that problem.

But then again, how could I?

What, with a cerebral cortex

that's eight percent larger
than the average human's.

Don't look... you can't tell.

E-Excuse me, do you wear
that mailman uniform every day?

Yes, I do.

And proudly.

Do you live with your mother?

Well, uh... yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, guys, it's Mr. X.

Uh, gentlemen, let me
show you the pool room.

Quickly.

That's the guy...

Come along.

And that must be
Mr. X's fat friend,

Mr. Y, at the end of the bar!

Oops.

What do you mean, "oops"?

What's going on back there?

Oh, nothing, Sam.

Uh, say, when you came in,

did you have...
gum in your hair?

No. Why?

No reason.

I'm just trying to
pass the time of day.

Aw...

Damn it, Woody, you got
gum in my hair, didn't you?

Uh, no, no. Here, here.

There.

Out.

What's it look like?

It's got a lot of hair in it.

Give me that other mirror.

Give me the other mirror, Woody!

Woody!

Want to go over and say hi,
make 'em feel more at home?

I don't know, those guys
are wrapped up pretty tight.

Who knows how
loony they could get?

They might be dangerous.

They might buy us a beer.

I'll do anything to
promote mental health.

So, uh, Wynken,
Blynken and Nod...

I know they're alive.

I can hear them breathing.

Rebecca, give us
a pitcher, will you?

So... uh, what are
we talking about here?

Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Crane.

We were kind of
making fun of somebody.

Oh, no. No need to be sorry.

Listen, it's a
perfectly healthy sign.

It, it means that

you're interacting,

that you're feeling
better about yourselves.

So, uh, what were you
saying about this poor sap?

That he's a pompous fool.

Oh, Cliff is just
trying to fit in.

We weren't talking about Cliff.

We were talking
about you... "egghead."

Me?

Hey, remember the
time Fras fell asleep,

and we, we put his hand
in that warm glass of water?

That's the first time
I ever saw that work.

Okay, we can stop this now.

Hey, remember that
time Carla put the green,

uh, marble in his martini glass?

Carla did that?

I broke a crown.

Well, how about the time
he, he leaned over his mai tai

and, uh, poked his
eye with the umbrella.

Look, there is nothing
amusing about corneal abrasion.

How about the time at
group when he leaned back

in his chair to make
a dramatic gesture

and he got stuck in
the venetian blinds.

He did?!

Now that's funny.

No it's not.

Did you hear that?
He said, "No, it's snot."

Oh, this is not therapy.

This is just childish abuse.

So we put an
end to it right here.

This, this session is over,

right now.

Remember, it's
a fee and a half...

because it's a field trip.

Gee, maybe we should
go apologize to him.

He's charging you
a fee and a half,

and you want to apologize?

Well, what should we do?

Pants him.

There you go. Yeah.

Yeah, let's pants him!

Let's go for it! Pants him.

Pants him. Pants him.

Pants him. Pants him.
Pants him. Pants him...

Hey, Sam.

Hey, Sam, I hope
you're not still mad at me

about that haircut thing.

Nice hat, by the way.

You know, my cousin Elmore
had a hunting cap just like that.

Of course he decorated
it with deer antlers.

Big mistake.

Sam... why aren't
you talking to me?

Sam?

Woody?

I think he's ignoring you.

Is that true, Sam?

You know for a minute there
I thought I heard something.

A little tiny voice of a
nothing jerk bartender.

Me?

I think I was wrong.

I think it was just a tiny
little insignificant bug.

Well, that's very funny Sam,

but it's not a tiny
little insignificant bug.

It's your assistant
bartender... good old Woody.

I think I got it.

I can't believe it.

I'm being shunned.

Just like back in Hanover.

Just like with the Amish.

Wood?

Who, uh, who shunned
you back in Hanover?

The Amish. Weren't
you here for this part?

Please, miss, can I
just have my beer?

All right. I'm gonna give you one
last chance, and this is a gimme.

What was the year of
Elvis' big comeback special?

'72.

You're pathetic.

Hey, I paid for that beer.

Well, then I guess you just
should have studied, huh?

I hope we weren't
too hard on Fras.

Well, his being ridiculed
in here is one thing,

but out in public, that's
got to be humiliating.

I know what you're saying. Yeah.

You know, when I was a kid,

I was the first one
in my class to...

you know, develop breasts.

They teased me the whole year.

Oh, yeah, me, too.

Yeah, I took my fair share
of ribbing back in Hanover.

Yeah?

"Little Einstein"
they called me.

"Mr. Smarty Pants."

"Brainiac."

Yep. I've heard 'em all.

Before I die, I got
to see that town.

So what about you, Cliff?

Well, sorry I can't help you.

Happy childhood.

Well-adjusted, well-liked.

Class valedictorian.

I'd show you my yearbook,

but Ma apparently thought

some of the inscriptions
were off-color.

So she made me eat it.

Nope. No problems here.

Hey, Fras.

Don't "Hey Fras" me.

After the way you
people behaved today,

you're lucky I am
even speaking to you.

How dare you treat me like
that in front of my patients!

I have been your
friend, your confidante,

your unpaid therapist for years.

And how do you
show your gratitude?

By humiliating me,
by making me a...

a laughingstock.

Come on, Fras, those
guys were scared stiff of you.

That's why they weren't
getting anywhere.

We were just trying to bring
you down a peg, you know?

Yeah, come on, Fras,
you've got to admit, uh,

sometimes you get up
on that high horse of yours.

High horse?! Well, I never.

Oh, God, Lilith was right.

Bringing those patients here

was the worst thing
I've ever done in my life.

This entire affair has been
an unmitigated disaster.

Hey look, there's Dr. Crane.

Dr. Crane.

We figured out what
you were doing today,

and thanks.

I beg your pardon?

Well, you were letting us

do all that stuff
to you just so we

could feel better
about ourselves.

What a guy.

You know, you've
really got to care

to go that far.

How about that.

They have figured it out.

This is the best
group we ever had.

Yeah, well...

genius. Oh, well,

I wouldn't really
say "genius," Lester.

That is what you said, isn't it?

Gentlemen, good night.

Good night. Thank
you, Dr. Crane.

You've all made
wonderful progress today.

Thank you, Dr. Crane.
Thank you very much.

You know, maybe
in a hundred years,

they'll be able to
walk through a mall.

Bye.

So, you all caught
a little glimpse

into the life of
Frasier Crane...

M.D., PhD.

Try not to think of
me any differently

now that you've
witnessed my unique gift.

You see, although I wasn't
completely aware of it,

I intuited what those men needed

and I gave it to them,
freely and of myself...

for I am a healer.

That is what I do.

And we are pantsers.

That is what we do.

Oh, no.

No, fellas, not again.

No, no, these are new pants!

Sam, I've really enjoyed the way

you've been pretending
I'm a bug and everything.

But I'm not a bug; I'm Woody.

Sam, where I come
from, we have a saying,

"An eye for an eye."

The point being, of course,

you're supposed
to shave my head,

not shave out my eye.

Oh, man.

This is stupid.

I don't want to cut your hair.

You don't?

No.

So you forgive me?

Yeah, let's just just forget
about the whole thing,

all right?

That... that is real noble, Sam.

I mean, here I
wrecked your hair,

your... your beautiful,
beautiful hair,

the one thing you care
most about in the whole world,

and yet, you're
willing to forgive me.

I mean, you know,

every time you
look in the mirror,

you're gonna be reminded
of what I did to you,

and yet, you say it's okay.

I have never liked you more

than I do right now, Sam...

ridiculous haircut and all.

Woody, come in
the office with me,

just for a second.

Sure, why?

No reason.

Carla, it's almost
midnight... any sign?

Not one blue suede shoe.

I guess Elvis has
disappointed me again.

Well, I'm sure the King
had a lot of other people

to visit around the world.

Yeah, well, he isn't
showing up here

or anywhere else tonight.

Uh, I have flowers
for a Miss Tortelli.

That's me.

Here you go.

Oh. Thanks.

"Carla,

"I wonder if you're
lonesome tonight.

The King."

Oh, my God.

Oh!

I knew it.

I knew... I knew
he'd come through.

I knew he wouldn't let me down.

But just a minute ago, you
know, you started to doubt that...

I did not doubt.
I never doubted.

I'm going home, Becs.

I'm going home. I'm
gonna stay up all night.

I'm gonna listen to every
record Elvis ever made,

even "In the Ghetto."

Uh, Miss Howe, did Miss
Tortelli get the flowers?

Yes, she did.

In fact, she just
ran up the stairs. Ah.

Did you send those?

Yes, I did,

but those were
just for starters.

This will really push
her over the edge.

Woody, what was that buzzing?

Sam, with the razor.

Well, your hair looks the same.

It's the only hair I have left.