Cheers (1982–1993): Season 10, Episode 12 - Go Make - full transcript

Sam and Rebecca question whether or not they really love each other.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

A little bit more to
the left there, Woody.

Yeah, ah, perfect.

Good, good.

How's that? Nice.

A little bit more
to the right, Wood!

Yeah. Ah, ah, ah. Yeah.

Good! There you go!

How's that?

Perfect!

Well,



about six or eight inches more

to the right there, Wood!

How's that?

Yeah,

perfect.

You guys ain't even close.

Uh, you know,

I think maybe we
need a-a taller building.

What about the Prudential Tower?

Perfect!

See you over there.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪



♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Good afternoon, all!

Shut the door!

Why?

To keep out the bitter cold.

Too late.

She got in.

Oh, I sense the mood of the bar.

You're all suffering
from the winter blues,

the shortened daylight hours,

the cold numbing weather,
the bleak sense of isolation.

It's what we in the
psychiatric profession call,

the jackpot!

Frasier and I have
a wonderful plan

to lift our spirits.

What, are you gonna buy
some toys and canned goods

and hand 'em out to
underprivileged kids?

Well, no.

We're checking into a luxury
hotel for a getaway weekend,

just the two of us.

Oh.

Well, that'll make
some bellboys happy.

So, aren't you
gonna bring the kid?

Well, we would, but we find
that we make better parents

if we occasionally take a break

from our parenting
responsibilities.

Hey, you don't have
to justify it to me.

You know, my parents
ran off for a year

with the Pentecostal caravan.

Oh, sure,

they called once in a while, but
they were speaking in tongues.

Yeah.

It was just by chance
that they came back at all.

Sam!

What are you doing?!

I'm working.

What does it look
like I'm doing?

Well, excuse me,
but this is the 12th!

Yeah. Well, I work on the 12th.

Well I ovulate on the 12th!

How was I supposed to know that?

We all knew it.

It's in the newsletter.

Sam, just finish up
whatever you're doing,

and let's get pregnant.

Boy, that's what I
like about Rebecca.

She's just an old-fashioned
girl, isn't she? Mmm.

You cannot order me to perform!

I don't want to have sex
with you, okay? No sex.

Who said that?

I don't believe this.

If we don't do it now we
have to wait a whole month!

I'm not in the mood, all right?

Who's saying these things?

Sam, what is wrong with you?

I don't know.

Boy, you two sure argue a lot

for two people
who aren't in love

but want to have a baby.

I mean, I don't know, maybe
that's normal for two people

who aren't in love but
want to have a baby.

I wouldn't know. I've
never known anyone

who wasn't in love but
wanted to have a baby.

Woody, shut up!

Hey, don't get me
caught in your sick web.

Come here, come
here, hey, just-just relax.

Remember what the doctor said?

You know, how stress can
keep you from conceiving.

Well, all-all we do
nowadays is fight.

Oh, shut up! No, you shut up!

No, you shut up! You shut up!

Shut me up! Shut up!

This is what I'm talking about.

This is stress.

Oh, yeah? Well,
you've got ten minutes

to get yourself together and
get your bad attitude in order

and get over to my place

and we're gonna
make a cute little baby!

I hate her.

Now, at 2:00, we have a choice

between a sumptuous high tea

and a relaxing Swedish massage.

Ah, 2:00.

Right about then I'll be
jumping into my mail truck,

ripping off my shoes

and trying to save
my toes from frostbite.

Hey, nobody held
a gun to your head

and said, "Be a mailman."

Frasier, we have a problem.

I've just gotten off

the phone with
Frederick's teacher,

who informs me that
your son has come down

with a case of chicken pox.

No! I'm not giving
up my nonrefundable

getaway weekend!

Frasier, your child is ill.

Oh, you're right, of
course you're right.

I'm-I'm ashamed.

And deservedly so.

Shall we?

I'm on my way.

Well, friends, I've
discovered a new way

of getting over
the winter blues.

Instead of enjoying
a luxury weekend

being coddled in
a four-star hotel,

I'll be bathing an itchy,

whiney two-year old in oatmeal.

Say, Fras, uh, you know,

if you have trouble getting
rid of that reservation,

I sure know a couple who've
been under a lot of stress

and fighting a lot lately,

and, you know, they
could benefit from a,

a nice weekend in a hotel.

Thanks for thinking
of us, Sammy. Yeah.

Listen, uh, I just
got to run home

and get my travel
iron real quick.

I'm not talking about you guys.

I'm talking about
me and Rebecca.

Yeah, stupid.

You should have thought of that.

You made the same mistake, pal.

Boy, we-we

really could have
used that weekend.

Come on, what do you say, huh?

Please?

Oh, all right.

Here, take the room.

Conceive your child.

Go make.

Well, yeah, doesn't it at
least make you feel better

knowing somebody's having fun?

No.

I know it sounds
petty, but frankly I,

I can't think of anything that
would make me feel worse.

Uh, Frasier, dear,

I can't remember.

Have you ever had
the chicken pox?

Oh!

I can always think of something

that would make him feel worse.

Hey, everybody.

Woody, uh, set me
up with a beer, will you?

Well, aren't you gonna finish
your mail route, Mr. Clavin?

Are you kidding?

There's too much
snow and sleet out there.

Besides it's
getting a little dark.

I don't blame you, Cliff,

I hate going out
in this weather.

Hmm. Yeah, you guys
are a bunch of whining,

complaining weenies.

What, you like this weather?

Oh, is that the topic?

Well, are we gonna let
this weather defeat us?

Or are we gonna fight back?

Hey, I'm with you, Doc.

So what shall we do?

Hey, you guys ever hear

of something called
the Polar Bear Club?

Uh...

Well, it's great.

We used to do it all the
time where I grew up.

Bunch of guys get in their cars.

They drive down to the ocean.

They strip down
to their skivvies

and they run right
into the water.

Uh, I was thinking more
of a, uh, belching contest.

Oh, I don't know, uh,
loudest or longest?

Fine. Fine,

but you guys don't
know what you're missing.

Now, when we were kids
we didn't care if it was January

or February, we just jumped
in that ocean and swam.

It felt great.

It was like we scored
one against winter.

Hey, if it's good
enough for Mr. Krapence.

Well, are we up to it, men?

All right. Well, uh, well,
it's one of the earthly thrills

I haven't tried
yet. Let's do it!

Polar Bear! Polar Bear!

Polar Bear! Polar Bear!

Polar Bear! Polar Bear!

Polar Bear...

So, Paul, where
were you brought up?

Honolulu.

Whoa!

Three bucks for a
lousy pack of gum.

Sam, get away
from the honor bar.

Honor bar.

Oh.

Hey, sweetheart,
what do you think?

If it's a boy, we name it Sam?

Oh, I don't know.

You know, I always thought

that naming your child
after yourself was like

saying you want him to
grow up to be just like you,

to like the things you like,

to act the way you do.

Okay, Sam it is.

Yeah.

Sam.

You know something, Dad?

I really like my name.

Thanks, Sam.

Beautiful evening, isn't it?

Oh, sure is, Dad.

Say, how's that
paper route coming?

Just fine, Dad.

Before long, I'll have
enough saved up

to buy that baseball glove.

Ah!

Tell me again what it was like

when you were in the
major leagues, Dad.

Oh, come on, you must be
getting tired of hearing that.

How could I ever get tired

of hearing about you, Dad?

I'm coming.

Whoa.

Hope it's not the
honor bar police.

Oh!

I'm sorry. Wrong room.

I went out to get
some stuff for the kids,

and I guess I got lost.
I'm sorry about that.

Oh, yeah, excuse me, if
you don't mind me asking,

uh, how many kids you got?

Three boys. Wow.

Oh, that's great. Yeah.

How long have you been married?

20 years.

Wow.

Hey, listen, uh,

you don't have
any advice for a guy

who's about to start
his family, do you?

Well, you know, it's,

like it's no big
secret what you need

to start a happy family.

Love!

You know, if a man
and woman really

love each other, they
pass that love onto the kids,

and they'll grow up
strong and healthy.

Yeah, well, I mean,
I know love's okay

and everything,
but, uh, you know,

what about, uh, those
other important things

like friendship and
a sense of humor?

A sense of humor?

Yeah.

What's that gonna get you?

I mean, look at
Martin and Lewis.

They had a sense of humor.

But were they happy?

No, they weren't.

No, because it takes love.

You've got a lot of that, huh?

Me? No, I can't stand my missus.

It's been 20 years
of living hell for me.

Hey look, it's Dad.

What's the matter?

Can't you even find your
way back to the room,

you stupid idiot.

Those are the kids.

Come on, Dad, move your fat ass,

and give me 50
bucks for the arcade.

On my good days,
I, uh, pray for death.

Good luck to you, son.

You're gonna need it.

Eh.

I bet that wouldn't
have happened

if he'd named one
of his kids Sam.

Yeah, Sam.

So how's that
paper route coming?

Oh, I've been saving up.

Why don't we pull
over here to this market,

and I'll run in and
buy us a soda.

My treat.

Great idea, son.

I'll be right back.

Okeydokey.

He's got that Malone swagger.

Floor it, Dad!

Why, what happened?

I robbed the store!

But why?

I had to do something to make up

for the lack of love
between you and Mom.

Now move your fat
ass, you stupid idiot!

Why'd you two even
have a kid anyway?

Well, we sort of
thought it'd be fun.

Fun?

I'll show you fun.

Oh, no, no!

I got one!

Boy, did you see that
guy's head explode?

Whoa, these hollow
point bullets are great!

Hey, everybody!

I'm little Sammy Malone!

And my dad was a
Major League pitcher!

And he didn't love my mother!

Oh!

Okay, Sam, I give in.

If it's a boy, we
can name him Sam.

Sam?

Sam? Sam?

Oh, oh!

Oh!

Here we go, darling.

I'm sorry.

I hope I didn't ruin the moment.

Just, I was standing
out in the hall naked.

The door slammed
shut, and I didn't

have any place else to go.

Anyway, if you... if you
could just loan me a robe,

I... I can wait
back out in the hall.

No, no, there's a robe you
can use in the bathroom.

Larry will go look for...

what's his name... Sam? Sam.

Sam... oh, you can't miss him.

He's a big galoot
with a lantern jaw.

Have you ever been
naked in a hotel hallway?

The sailors just come
out of the woodwork.

Don't worry, miss, I'll find
him and come right back.

See, I was in the
bathroom taking a bath,

and I-I was talking to Sam,

but he wasn't really
even listening to me.

I mean, I-I guess he decided

to go down to the store and
get some gum or something.

I don't know, and it
was... it was like he...

he didn't even know
that I was... alive.

Boy, you sure look beautiful.

Oh! Look at all these flowers.

Oh, my... boy, you
must have a huge family.

No, those are all from my guy.

Isn't he sweet?

Wow.

Well, mine's down right now,

getting me some, uh,

gum... I think.

How long have you
and Sam been married?

Oh, actually, we
weren't even plan...

Six months.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, hi, honey.

It's my husband.

He's already down in the lobby?

No, he's calling me
from the elevator phone

just to tell me he loves me.

It's supposed to be
just for emergencies.

Oh, you are so sweet.

Oh, you're the perfect
couple, aren't you?

Oh, I bet you had
a beautiful wedding.

Oh, well, all weddings are nice.

Wasn't yours?

Oh, yeah.

We had, you
know, lots of flowe...

and we had... a lot
of people came in...

a lot of people
from out of town.

If you'll excuse me a minute,

I'm just gonna wait
outside in the hall.

Oh, hi.

Um, there's a bellboy waiting

outside your room
with a passkey.

Okay.

Sorry I couldn't
find your husband.

But look what I did find!

Oh, a bunny!

You have the sweetest lips in
the whole wide world, honey!

Mmm, you've got the sweetest
lips in the whole wide world, honey.

Knock-knock! The
little woman is home.

Hey!

What are you
barging in here for?

You forgot to hang
the sock on the door.

That's because I
didn't want to take it off.

It was cold. They
turned the heat off.

Oh, yeah, they
turned the heat off

'cause you forgot
to pay the bill, pal!

What was I supposed
to pay it with... love?

Oh shut up. No, you shut!

You shut! Shut...

Shut... up! Shut...!

Come on, Sam,
get her out of here.

I'm ovulating.

Oh, that's great.

You couldn't tell
me 15 minutes ago?

Come on, scooch, honey.

I've got my chores to do.

Yeah, go on, go on,
go on, go on, go on.

Oh, Sam, come on, hurry
up, let's make a baby!

Let's go in the
other room and do it!

This is the other room.

Oh God! Why are we
so poor and miserable?

Well, honey, we may
be poor and miserable,

but at least we
can live on love!

You shut up!

Oh, you shut up!
No, you shut up!

Shut me up!

Shut up! Shut up!

Don't you use that word "love."

Love has nothing to
do with this relationship!

I will use any word
I want in this house!

Love!

Love, love, love, love,

love, love, love!

You foul-mouthed barren tramp!

Half man! Half man!

Enough foreplay for you?

Yeah. Turn off the light.

I've got a poker game on
that table in five minutes.

You'd better make it quick.

Oh, yeah, that's gonna
be tough with you.

Hey, shut up! You shut up!

You shut up!

Shut! Shut!

Shut up!

Could you leave now?

Oh, sure.

Hey.

Why aren't you home
watching your scabby kid?

My mother's come into
town to help take care of him.

So I thought I'd steal a few
moments and come here

and relax with my husband.

He's not here.

Better yet.

Where is my husband, anyway?

Oh, uh, some of the guys

went to do something,
and he went along.

I suppose if they all went to
jump off a cliff he'd do that, too.

I, didn't think of that, but it
probably would have worked.

Polar Bear!

Polar Bear! Polar Bear!

Hey, so you guys
went for your little swim?

Yeah, well, we drove
down there, you know,

we jumped into our
bathing suits, uh...

raced each other along the beach

our feet hit the water...

And you chickened out, right?

Yeah, well, we
prefer to think of it

as coming to our senses just
in time to save our goodies.

So none of you guys had the
guts to go through with it, huh?

Well, uh, one of us did.

Just a few more
steps, Dr. Crane.

Darling, are you all right?

What did he say?

Sounded like "oil can."

Here, this should
help warm you up.

It must have been a
terrifying experience.

Oh!

It was positively surreal.

First, the cold water hitting
me like an electric shock...

dragging me down
like a palpable force.

And then when I was
crawling back onto the beach,

it kept at me, as
though, for all the world,

someone was actually pushing
me back into the frozen water.

Told you it wasn't funny.

Where have you been, Sam?

Just, uh, went for a walk,

you know, to get some
fresh air and everything.

So... ready to make the baby?

Sure I am, if you are.

Oh, you are?

Uh, well, yeah. All right, good.

Let's... let's, get to it here.

Okay.

Okay, let's, let's, uh,
let's make that baby.

There's something
wrong isn't there, Sam?

Uh, yeah, there's something
I want to say and I-I...

I've been walking
around trying to figure out

how to say it and I, I
guess the only thing to do

is just, say it.

Sam, I don't love you. I'm
not gonna have your baby.

It would be a big,
stupid mistake.

What?

What were you gonna say?

Well, the same thing,
but a much nicer way.

You were?

Yeah.

I mean, you know, if
we don't love each other,

how can we raise a kid?

That's right!

Because it wouldn't
be fair to the kid.

I agree. I mean, I mean,
all we've talked about

is how much we want
a baby. We, we, we.

We never even thought about...

about how it would be for
a baby to have us. I agree.

I mean, I think we got to call
the whole thing off. Oh, I agree!

I can't believe this!

This is the first thing
we've agreed about

since the whole
baby thing came up.

I agree!

Oh, Sam I love you!
Oh, I love you, too!

I mean, I don't
"love you," love you.

No, I don't "love
you," love you, either.

And Sam, we can still have
kids, just not with each other.

Yeah.

Mm. Mm-mm. I'm sorry.

Old habit.

That's right,
we're just friends.

Yeah. Actually friends
don't open their mouths.

Oh. Old habit.

See you at work tomorrow.

Yeah.

Bye-bye.

Sam, what's happening?

See you in a couple years, Dad.

Sam?

Where are you going?

Sam?

You rotten kid!

Now listen, bring
back my wallet!

You're beginning to waddle!