Cheers (1982–1993): Season 10, Episode 1 - Baby Balk - full transcript

Sam and Rebecca seek psychiatric help for getting in the mood.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Quite a night, huh, Norm?

Yep. Yeah.

I can't believe old
Sammy wants to be a dad.

Yep.

He's got to be real careful
about choosing a mother.

A lot of things to consider.

Like, for example, how
the genes match up.

Yeah.

Wish my parents had given
that a little bit more thought.

Yeah.



Maybe I'd be able
to jump a little higher,

run a little faster.

You know, there's a
jumping gene in my ma.

It's called the "J" gene.

It's... it's recessive.

You know, so, if

my ma had gotten matched up

with a guy with a
dominant jumping gene...

You know, let's see.

Like, uh... Carl Lewis.

I'm telling you, Norm,

it could have been a
whole different playground

for little Cliffie Lewis.

Cliffie, I hate to interrupt,
but, uh, we're here.



Normie, how come

you always drop me off at least
six blocks away from my house?

Well, this time it's a mile.

Get out.

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Previously on Cheers...

No more "Rebecca the jerk."

No more "Rebecca the goonball."

"Rebecca the loser."

"Rebecca the mother"!

I'm going to have a
brand-new human baby!

I can't wait!

You know, a new life!

A new life that depends
completely on me.

Can you believe
it? I forgot my coat.

Oh, I'm just so
excited about this!

I don't know. I'm
going to be a mommy!

I'm going to be a mommy!

Rebecca, honey? Honey?

What, Sam?

Are you sure
you're ready for this?

Well, don't I look ready?

Maybe I'm thrown
off by the coatrack.

Oh, I hate it when I
do that. Careful, careful.

Well, you think we're
ready, don't you?

I mean, you don't think that
we're rushing this, do you?

Do you need a little
time to think it over?

No... sweetheart, sweetheart,
come on, turn around.

I think we're both
very excited by this.

You want to be a mommy, right?

And I want to be a daddy.

I think that the decision
has been made here.

Sam, just give it a yank.

Ow! Ooh!

Are you hurt?

No, no. I'm fine.

Okay, what do you think?

You want to give
it till tomorrow?

Please.

Hey, everybody, guess what.

My buddy just bowled a 300!

Great. Like anybody cares, huh?

A round of drinks on me!

All right! Way to roll

that melon, buddy!

There you go.

Here you go, bud.

Oh, sorry, missy.

What for? You think
I won't enjoy a cigar

because I'm a woman?

I'll save it for the George
Sand Film Festival.

You see, what you
don't understand

is that my wife just made a...

a very funny literary reference

to a woman that

used to dress as a
man, and lived in France.

Was he a bowler?

Sure. What the hell?

Hey, uh... why don't
you have the, uh...

smokers sitting in
the smoking section?

Oh, of course. Where's my head?

Probably in the pumpkin patch

wondering when
the mix-up occurred.

Sammy, we have
a smoking section?

Yeah. Over by the piano.

We have a piano?

Oh. I gotta turn my head more.

Hi, Sam.

Hi. Sorry about last night.

Oh, no. Don't worry about it.

You feeling better?

You didn't bruise, did you?

Sweetheart, it's not a peach.

So...

you, uh... still want
to be a mommy?

Do you still want to be a daddy?

I do if you do.

I do.

Great. All right. Great.

I'll... I'll be right back.

Hold it. Hold it. Wait. Wait.

We have to sit a second. What?

Look, I don't want this
to be that we just do it.

I want this to be special.

I mean, what's going to happen

when our child asks us
about the night we conceived?

What are we going to say?

How about, "Mind
your own business"?

Sam, be serious.

I know. I know.

Let's do something that

you have never done
before with a woman.

All right, all right.

Okay, okay, okay.

Let... let... let's do something

that you've only done once.

Okay. All right.

You got, uh... You've got, uh...

Let's just have a nice,
simple, romantic evening.

All right. Now, that I can do.

That I can do. Tell you what.

You got a fireplace, right?

Yeah. Well, there you go.

It's a perfect evening.

Dinner, fire, a
little Jiffy Pop.

Sam, don't be crass. No, no, no.

I was talking about popcorn. Oh!

That was funny.

Oh, you've got a date!

All right. Wait a minute.

Woody, we're out of here.

You're in charge of the bar.

Well, why bother, Sam?

Whenever you put me in charge,

nobody ever listens to me.

I just get laughed at,

and get drinks
poured over my head.

If anyone does that to you,
you just sic Carla on them.

I'm talking about Carla.

Oh.

All right, listen up, everybody!

Whenever Rebecca and
I aren't in the bar, uh...

Woody's in charge.

That better?

Kind of. At least
it's not a margarita.

Those get salt in my eyes.

Listen, I'm... I'm
out of here, guys.

I'll be back in a
couple of hours

depending on how things go here.

Where're you going, Sam?

It... it's kind of
personal, Norm.

Ah! Uh, let me get
that for you. Oh.

Here we go.

Sammy's acting
kind of weird, huh?

Yeah.

Can't you beer
butts figure it out?

Sam's been searching for weeks

to find a perfect
woman to have his baby.

Obviously, he's given
up and asked Rebecca.

No way. Something that big,
Sammy would have told us.

Why do you assume the
rest of the world lives by

your outdated code
of male bonding?

Do you think that every man

goes around telling his buddies

when he decides
to sire an offspring?

Frasier did.

Anyhoo...

Woody, can you do
something about that smoke?

Don't worry, Mr. Clavin,
I'll take care of it.

Excuse me, sir. My name

is Woody Boyd, and I'm kind of

in charge here tonight.

Well, my friend over there

is kind of bothered
by your smoke,

and so I was hoping you
could move to the back

to the smoking section.

I think that would really be
the considerate thing to do.

You can tell your friend this.

So, Woody, what did he say?

Wow. I'm impressed.

Where did you learn how to cook?

When I was a kid,
my mom thought that

all boys should do
a little bit of cooking.

I never knew that.

Oh, yeah. I have
a sensitive side.

Matter of fact, why don't
we put on some music

and see how long
it takes you to find it.

Where do you keep
your Johnny Mathis?

I don't think I have any.

Oh. Well, who needs music?

Allow me.

♪ Look at me... ♪

I didn't know you
could sing that high.

I couldn't before the coatrack.

What?

Nothing.

I'm just nervous.

Oh, come on. Nothing
to be nervous about.

Oh, no. I mean,
we're going to make

the biggest
decision of our lives.

I mean, don't you think
that's a little bit scary?

Come on. You can't... can't
pressure yourself like that.

I mean, you know,
once we do this,

there's no turning back.

No, no, no, no. Come on.

That's just the thing you
can't think about here.

"After tonight, everything
will be different for life."

Or, uh... "I may have
done this a million times,

but this is the
one that counts."

I mean, you, uh...
you start doing that,

you're not going
to be able to do it.

Sam, you're not
thinking about it, are you?

No, no. Don't be silly.

Oh, you're right, Sam.

Let's just go for it.

Uh... Right now?

It's now or never, Sam. Uh...

Let's make a baby.

No, you know...
but... but right now?

What's the matter?

Nothing's the
matter. Don't be silly.

Nothing's the matter.

It's just that, uh... you know,

not everything's right
right now, you know?

Uh... we don't have Johnny
Mathis. Yeah, that's it.

Uh... tell you what.
Why don't I, uh...

Why don't I go to
the record store?

I'll be right back. No! Sam...

If we're going to make a baby,
I'm going to need my Johnny!

What's wrong, Sam?

Sam, what is it?

I... I... I...

What? What?

Is it an accident? A fire?

Do you want us to follow you?

Sam, look. Just
pull yourself together

and tell me what it is.

I... can't.

Yes, you can.

Look. Just organize
your thoughts,

form the words, and tell me.

I can't. Sam, if you
want me to help you,

you're going to have to
tell me what the problem is.

I am!

Well, then, what is it?

I can't!

You can't what?

Oh, dear Lord.

Am I to assume that Sam Malone

is unable to...?

You gotta help me, man.

All right, Sam. Let's, uh...

Let's examine
this problem. Uh...

Okay.

What is the difference

between this experience

and the thousands of
times that have gone before?

All right. Well, uh...

It was with Rebecca.

You've been intimate
with Rebecca before?

Yeah. No. It...

It's not sex. I mean,
we want to have a baby.

We...

What we're trying to do is, is

wholesome and
natural and beautiful,

and it's turning me off.

Sam, your whole life,

has been a string of
meaningless, albeit enjoyable,

sexual encounters. Now,

for the first time,
you're engaging

in a meaningful,
productive pursuit

See, it's a common
conflict between what we call

recreational sex
and procreational sex.

What?

Well, dirty sex and clean sex.

Oh.

Now, it is this conflict that is
making you unable to function.

Oh. Oh, yeah. That's good.

All right. Wow.

For a minute there,
I thought maybe

there was something wrong
with the seal on my microwave.

Now, Sam,

what you're gonna
have to do is, is

keep your mind
thinking of dirty things.

You see what I mean.

Skip everything about a baby.

Forget that Rebecca's
gonna be a mother.

Forget that you're
gonna be a father.

Instead, concentrate on the
heat, the passion you generate.

Trick your body
into thinking of this

as just another
tawdry one-night stand.

Come with me.

You can do it, Sam.

You have to.

You owe it to men everywhere.

Yeah. All right,
all right, all right.

Think heat.

Think heat. Think heat.

Think heat, think heat.

Think heat, think heat.

Not yet, not yet.

Hey, Woodrot.

What's with the cigar
party back there?

Well, the smoking
section wasn't big enough,

so exercising my
powers as a manager,

I moved everybody
back into the pool room

Yeah, well, if you'd exercise

your brain, you'd realize

there are no vents, and the
windows are painted shut.

It's like Clavin in the
middle of July back there.

Well, what do you expect?

There's no vents and the
windows are painted shut.

Don't worry, Carla,
I've installed a fan.

Oh.

All I gotta do is
some simple wiring.

Cheers.

It's nice to see

Woody in charge, huh?

Seems like only
yesterday he, uh,

couldn't find his
way around the bar,

and he got lost
in the storeroom.

That was yesterday.

Phone call for you, Chalk Face.

Thank you...

Velcro Top.

I've been waiting to use that.

Hello?

Lilith. Yeah?

Ha-Has Sam been there?

Uh, he was, but he just left.

Did he say anything?

Not to me. Why?

Can I trust you?

Of course you can trust me.

I'm a professional.

If you have a problem,
I'm more than equipped

to help you work through
it in a rational manner.

Woody, two beers.

Shut up. This is juicy.

I'm sorry. Please continue.

You know, Sam and I
are trying to have a baby.

All right, tonight
when we were...

Just when things got all...

you know, heated

and involved, well...

he left for no apparent
reason. I mean...

I don't think Sam was turned on.

Oh, my God. The seventh sign.

Now, look, what
am I doing wrong?

A-am I, am I not hot enough?

Am I not sexy enough?

Actually, Rebecca,
perhaps you're too sexy.

What do you mean?

And thank you.

Well,

Sam is the type of person

for whom sex has always
been down and dirty.

Now that he's trying
to father a child,

dirty sex is the furthest
thing from his mind.

He wants it clean.

So what do I do?

Well, don't act hot and
sexy, that's for sure.

Just keep reminding him
that he's making a baby.

The evening should
be sacred and holy.

That'll get his engine running.

I got it, Lilith.
Thank you so much.

All right.

Who was that on the phone, dear?

I was just counseling Rebecca.

And I was counseling Sam.

Recreational versus
procreational sex?

Exactly.

They're so lucky to have us.

Woody!

We can't breathe in here.

We need you to turn
on that stupid fan.

All right. It's all ready to go.

All I gotta do is
throw a switch.

Woody!

Woody!

Honey? Oh...

Thank God you're still here.

I'm sorry I ran out like that.

Sam, don't say another word.

Everything's going
to be just fine.

Oh, yeah. Oh, this is hot.

Mmm...

With heat like this, you'll
fertilize my egg in no time.

Yeah, uh...

Anyway, anyway, uh...

Just... Why, I tell you,

you are looking so
sexy tonight. Yeah...

I'm about to grow your
child inside my womb.

Hotcha, hotcha, hotcha.

And then I'll give
birth to a new life,

and you'll be there
to cut that cord.

Are you gonna be talking
like this all night? You...

You ain't heard nothing
yet, O, giver of life.

Giver... Excuse.
Excuse me just a second.

Hang on. What...

What's going on
in there... Daddy?

Uh, I'll be right out, Mommy.

Uh, I mean... Mama.

Hello.

Norm. Yeah.

Uh, what are you
doing there, man?

Uh, where's Woody?

He's otherwise engaged.

Well, uh, Norm, Norm,
let me, let me talk

to Frasier, will you?

Yeah... Frasier.

Sammy.

What is it, Sam?

Listen. This is
not working, man.

I'm thinking hot, and
all she keeps doing

is talking about
mother and stuff.

You must keep it
hot, Sam. Trust me.

I'm trying. I'm trying.

Sam, where are you now?

Uh, I'm in the kitchen,

but don't worry.
She can't hear me.

I'm, uh, I'm running
the water here,

You can do that?

Whenever I hear water running,

it gives me the urge
to go to the bathroom.

Well, thanks a lot, man.

In fact, just hearing it
now, over the phone...

Lilith, would you...?

Frasier!

Sam?

Lilith.

Is everything all right?

Uh, Yeah, sure. No, it's fine.

Let me talk to Rebecca.

Um, all right. Okay. Hold,

hold on a second, will you?

Yeah, it's for you. It's Lilith.

Excuse me.

Lilith?

Yes?

It's not working.

I've done everything
you've told me to do,

an-and he still has a problem.

Sounds to me like
you're still being too sexy.

Well, I don't know how...

You know, you are so kind.

Redouble your efforts.

You must remain
wholesome, no matter what.

Trust me.

I'll do my best.

All right.

All right, Rebecca,

That's it. No, no more talking.

Just down and dirty
from here on out.

Oh, Sam...

as long as we're down
here on our knees,

Yes?

I think we ought to
take this chance to...

thank God for the great
gift He's about to give us.

Oh... that's it.

I give up.

What's the matter?

How do you expect
me to get in the mood

when you're talking
about babies and cords

and God and stuff?

Well, I thought that's
what you wanted to hear.

Where did you
get that idea? Lilith.

Lilith!

You talked to Lilith about us?

Oh, come on, I thought

this was just supposed
to be between you and me.

I can't believe you shared
this with somebody else.

Besides, Frasier said
we're supposed to act hot.

Sam...

if you were having a problem,
why didn't you just tell me?

Well, no. Wait, wait.

Who said I was having a problem?

Well, weren't you?

Maybe.

Sam.

Oh...

You could've done
both of us a favor

if you had just told me
what I was doing wrong.

No. Oh, come on, you
weren't doing anything wrong.

It wasn't you. It was me.

I mean, I've had
sex millions of times,

but it's, it's never
had a purpose before.

Well, that's not true.

It had a purpose, but, uh...

It didn't... it
didn't have a goal.

No, it had a goal. It just...

It's complicated.

Sam, Sam, look. You
don't have to explain.

I just wish you'd been
able to talk to me, that's all.

Yeah, you're probably right.

I mean, if we can't
even talk to each other,

what kind of parents
are we gonna make?

Not very good ones.

Sam, maybe we're
not ready for this.

Maybe.

Shoot.

Well, uh... I guess I'd
better go, huh? Okay.

Are you sure you're okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You okay?

Oh, yeah.

♪ I am as helpless as
a kitten up a tree... ♪

How about that?

Johnny Mathis.

Say, I don't suppose your
neighbor is single, huh?

Yes, he is. Oh.

♪ I can't understand ♪

♪ I get misty... ♪

Bye-bye.

♪ Just holding your hand... ♪

♪ Walk my way ♪

♪ And a thousand
violins begin to play ♪

♪ Or it might be the sound... ♪

Oh, baby...

Would you stop saying that!