Cheers (1982–1993): Season 1, Episode 9 - Coach Returns to Action - full transcript
Coach is attracted to a Nina, a young woman who has just moved into his building. Excited, he tells Diane of Nina, swearing her to secrecy if only because of his and Nina's age difference. Nina shows up at the bar to wait for the heat to be turned on in her apartment. Diane has asked Sam not to hit on Nina, although she doesn't tell him the reason. This request only intrigues Sam more, and he tries repeatedly to get Nina to go out with him. Meanwhile, Diane urges Coach to pursue Nina, thinking that Nina is indeed interested in Coach. Coach ends up using an old and painful trick from his baseball days to try and get the girl. Elsewhere in the bar, the pipes have backed up in the men's room, forcing the patrons to use the facilities up at Melville's.
O.k., everybody
step right in here.
Come on, come on.
This is the home of Paul revere.
Looks like a bar to me.
Well the reveres
liked to entertain a lot.
Walk around and soak
up some atmosphere.
Give me a shot of bourbon.
What's this all about?
It's a walking tour of Boston,
and it's 30 degrees outside,
and my feet are throbbing.
Paul revere's house
is nowhere near here.
You want to do this?
I got to fit in five more
sights before 6:00.
I'll never make it.
Ah!
We are also standing
on the grainery burying ground,
the old corner bookstore,
and the old north church.
Well, let's get going.
This is it for Boston.
That's the whole tour?
Seemed to fly by, didn't it?
Bid a fond adieu to Boston,
the hub of new england.
I always thought
Boston was a lot bigger.
It is in the summer.
Making your way
in the world today
takes everything you've got
taking a break
from all your worries
sure would help a lot
wouldn't you like to get away
sometimes you wanna go
where everybody knows your name
and they're always glad you came
y0u wanna be where you can see
our troubles are all the same
you wanna be where
everybody knows your name
you wanna go where people know
people are all the same
you wanna go where
everybody knows your name
Sure, sister. No,
that would be fine.
You're welcome.
Hey, Sammy, I didn't
know you had a sister.
No, that's sister Teresa from
St. Mathias school for girls.
She's sending one of her
students over with a playbill.
Hey, you know, that St.
Mathias a good school.
I've had two kids
thrown out of there.
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
Norman.
What's up, norm?
My nipples. It's
freezing out there.
So, how was your
Sunday there, norm?
Did you catch the
celtics-76ers game?
Oh, yes.
And the bruins-flyers,
the ramos-ramos fight,
yesterday
Australian-rules football.
Tomorrow we got Boston
college versus iona.
Put that money down, pal.
Yeah, I'll be ready.
Norman, doesn't your
wife ever complain
that you never spend
any time with her?
Would you?
Well, what I can't fathom
is how one can drink
ice-cold beer in
freezing weather.
Cliff, explanation, please.
Now, how do you know he has one?
5 bucks says he does,
10 says it's a doozie.
When the British
ruled the punjab...
10 bucks all the way.
They drank steaming
hot pots of tea
on the hottest days of the year
to balance out their inside
and outside temperatures.
See, conversely,
drinking an ice-cold drink
on a cold day actually results
in a more comfortable
body temperature.
All right. Why do you
drink ice-cold beer
on a hot day?
Mr. Clavin.
What else you
going to do with it?
Well, I got to get rid
of a little bit right now.
I'll be in the
little boys' room.
Hop on one leg, big boy.
Sammy, the pipes
are clogged up again.
Nothing's working back there.
I'm sorry norm, you're going to
have to go up to melville's again.
Jacket in the same spot?
Yeah.
What a drag, huh, norm?
Dress up to go to the John.
Come on.
You know, you men have it easy.
We have to wear taffeta
and have the correct change.
Hey, looks good there,
norm. Who's your tailor?
Give me a break.
The sweater's a
little bulky, all right?
Have a good time
up there, Ollie.
I'll be in the back
with my pipes.
Wait. I've got an order.
Carla's got the
bar. Right, Carla?
Hey, that's right!
Yo-ho!
O.k., everybody!
Carla's got the bar!
You can have anything you want,
as long as it doesn't
have ice, straws, cherries,
olives, mixer, umbrellas,
fruits, or flames.
An order.
I need an old fashioned,
a Brandy Alexander,
and a Martini.
Three beers coming up.
Ooh, boy!
The damnedest thing.
I've been shivering
all the way over here.
Coach, you don't have a
coat on. It's 30 degrees outside.
Oh, thank god.
I thought I had malaria.
Are you all right?
No, Diane. I don't know
where my mind is today.
I just remembered.
I left it at Nina's apartment.
Your mind?
No. My coat.
Who's Nina?
Oh, just a girl who moved
into my building today.
I helped her move
some of her stuff in.
Diane, it's the damnedest thing.
I kept wanting
to smell her neck.
You wanted to smell her neck?
Yeah, and it just hit
me what that's all about.
Physical attraction?
No. Lux.
It used to be the
soap of the stars.
Diane, don't say anything
about this to anybody, please.
Why?
It's embarrassing.
Look, if you're my friend,
you won't say it, ok?
Coach, you're a
normal, healthy man
who happens to be
attracted to a woman.
What's wrong with that?
For one thing, she's
a lot younger than me.
How much younger?
Well, you'll see because
I told her where I work
and she said she might
drop in after she unpacked.
Hello.
Oh. Hi, sweetheart.
You're under arrest.
That not... that's not her!
Hi. Come on in.
I'm from the St.
Mathias school for girls.
Sure.
Sam told me I could
put a playbill up here.
Oh, good.
What play are you doing?
We're putting on a production
of twelve angry men,
a taut, absorbing
psychological drama.
When I was your age,
we did Romeo and Juliet.
We were looking for
something with more meat.
Thank you.
You're welcome, honey.
I'll hang it up for you.
Hi, Ernie.
Nina. Hi!
Welcome to cheers.
Boy, it's nice and warm in here.
My apartment is freezing.
I hope you don't
mind, but I asked
the super to call me here
when they get
the heat turned on.
No, no, it's a great idea.
Come on. Sit down.
I'll show you the place.
Have a seat.
Now, let's see, uh...
This is the bar.
Uh... those are the bottles.
Uh... these are the glasses.
That's a stool.
Uh... any questions?
Well, you know, I've
always wondered,
what kind of gas do you use
to pressurize those beer kegs.
Probably unleaded.
Can I get you a drink?
Sure. White wine.
White wine.
Ooh, Diane, Nina. Nina, Diane.
Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you. Hi.
Diane is very smart.
Diane, say something very smart.
Tempis fugit.
Coach, she's adorable.
Isn't she?
Oh, Carla, come over
for a minute, will you?
I'm busy.
Carla's been in a lousy mood
for the last two, three years.
Let me tell you, it's
getting strange up there.
Now, that's norm.
That's not norm's jacket.
What do you mean, strange?
The new men's room attendant.
Guy hands me a
towel, whisks me off,
and invites me out to a movie.
Guys!
Guys, meet Nina.
She just moved into my place.
Whoo! All right, coach!
No, no, no. Not my
apartment. My building.
Crazy guys.
They're nice, though.
I'd still be dragging my box
spring if it wasn't for Ernie.
You're a dog, coach.
Honey, would you excuse me?
I got to check the back room.
That's it for me.
That's Sam. He's handsome.
He's a bit of a wolf.
Well, I don't know what
I'm doing back there.
Does anybody know
anything about plumbing?
Well, the romans had
an elaborate system
of aqueducts there, Sammy.
They were sort of
the forerunners of...
Cliff, I need somebody
to help me fix the plumbing.
Sorry, Sam. Strictly theory.
Hey, let me do it.
Give me a break, Carla.
Come on, I mean, I'm
an expert at this stuff.
I got four kids
and one bathroom.
My kids gave me
drano for mother's day.
Give me that wrench. I'm
going in there. Come on.
Go get 'em.
Ok, everybody out
of the men's room!
Why didn't you say
that before you came in?
Give me two beers, Sam.
Excuse me a second.
Oh, Sam, look, uh, I know
what you're going to do.
I can't explain now...
Just stay away
from that woman, ok?
What woman?
Oh.
Actually, I was going
over for a cup of coffee,
but thanks for pointing her out.
I must be slipping.
Sam...
Please. I can't tell you why,
but it's just not right.
Ok, all right.
If you insist.
Ah, wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.
I understand something
about psychology.
Oh?
Yeah. By telling me
not to go over there,
you're trying to
get my curiosity up
so that I'll do exactly
the opposite, right?
Absolutely not.
No, no!
Probably a friend of yours, huh?
Two of you cook something up
to make me look
like a silly fool.
I'm not going anywhere near her.
Thank you.
Thank you?
That's exactly what
you wanted me to do
was walk away, wasn't it?
You don't want me to go
anywhere near her, do you?
No.
No, meaning yes.
Hey, listen, this is my bar.
I'll do what I want.
Hi there.
Oh, hi.
You new in the neighborhood?
Yeah, I'm new to Boston.
How do you like it so far?
Fine. How do you like it?
Much better now.
Look, I'm sorry
about all this stuff.
I'm just sitting here waiting
for my heat to be turned on.
How hot do you want it to get?
I heard you were kind of a wolf.
Howl at the moon one time,
and they never
let you forget it.
Listen, while we're on
the subject of sub gum,
how'd you like to go out
to Chinese food later?
No, thank you. I'd rather not.
Did I make it clear
I meant with me?
Painfully.
I think I like this girl.
[Wrench clanks]
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I'll go say goodbye
to my bathroom.
Congratulations, Diane.
You and your friend made
me look like a complete ass.
I hope you're happy.
Couldn't have
done it without you.
Isn't she great, Diane?
Yes, she is.
You know, coach,
I think you should ask her out.
Ask her out?
Yeah.
I haven't asked
a girl out in years.
I don't know if my
old lines would work.
Well, what was the
last one you used?
"How would you like a
pair of nylons, fraulein?"
Probably not.
Come on, it worked!
What do we need it for?
It's just another
piece to clog up!
Carla, it's got to
belong to something.
You can't hang on to
things because of sentiment!
Coach, wait a minute.
How about all the
women you talk about
from your baseball days?
How did you approach them?
Well, not by talking with them.
What'd you do?
Well, I'd spot a cute
dame in the stands,
and to get their attention,
you know, I'd injure myself.
You intentionally hurt yourself?
Yeah, sure. I'd
lean into a pitch,
or I'd dive
face-first into a bag.
I'd take a real hot
grounder in the gut...
Anything to get their sympathy.
You were a sly one, coach.
Listen, one day I
wasn't even in the game
and there was this real cutie.
So, I threw myself
down the dugout steps.
It worked!
Coach, look, you don't
have to do that stuff now.
Look at her over there.
She's all by herself...
A stranger in this big city.
You are the only
friend she has here.
Can we have some
service back here?
Coming right up!
Go get her, tiger.
Hey, coach...
Yes.
Can you cover for me tonight?
Yeah, sure. Where you going?
I'm going out with
that young lady.
Diane is going to learn the
meaning of the word "comeback."
Ohh.
You say something there, coach?
Like "ohh"?
Yeah.
That wasn't me.
Can I have another
beer please, Sammy?
Coach, what's going on here?
Just a normal evening.
I'm pouring a beer,
norm's in line,
Sam's sweeping the girl
of my dreams off her feet.
Just a normal night.
Coach, I thought you
were going to do that.
Come on, Diane.
Sam's such a smoothie.
I can't remember the last
time a woman turned him down.
Will you bug off?
Does that refresh your memory?
I got her on the ropes, cliffy.
You're a real glutton for
punishment, aren't you, mayday?
Hey, the evening's young.
Ooh, but your lines are old.
Don't you worry about me.
I'm going out with
your friend tonight,
even if it kills me.
Coach, come on.
Now's your chance. Go!
Diane, who needs it?
Who needs it?
Coach, don't give up on Nina.
Diane, will you
please leave me alone.
Leave me alone, please.
No!
Get in there, you pipe,
and no backtalk!
Coach.
Diane, you can't come in
here. This is the men's room.
Well, Carla's in here.
Carla doesn't count.
Hey, watch it!
Diane, please,
I'd like to be alone.
Coach, now if you don't act now,
your life will be
forever haunted
with the memory
of lost opportunity.
Diane, maybe you're right.
Maybe I should
have tried earlier,
but Sam's after her
now. Can't you see that?
Well, so?
He's not getting anywhere.
Whoa! You got the hots for Nina?
Oh, you know that too, huh?
Carla, coach is too
shy to ask Nina out.
Oh, come on, will you?
Who wants to date me?
I'm over the hill.
Nothing could be
further from the truth.
I'd go out with you.
Really?
Yes.
I would, too.
See? And we all know
how fussy Carla is.
You're not just saying this?
No!
Hey, coach.
You're a cutie.
Come on over here, cutie.
Look at you.
What a hunk!
Yeah! Coach,
you're a pin-up guy.
Yeah, you!
Stop it, the two of you!
Hey, who is that stud?
Well, uh...
I'm no Harold Flynn,
but it's ok.
Coach, it's errol Flynn.
No, Harold Flynn...
He used to play
second base for Chicago.
Good look, no hit.
Diane.
Carla.
I'm going to do it.
Just give me a few minutes
to spruce up, will you?
Listen, coach. That's great.
And I'll make sure
that Nina sticks around.
I can't believe the
graffiti in this place.
Adolescent men are... Oh, no!
What? What is it?
Look at this!
"For a good time,
call Diane chambers."
Thank god they got
the number wrong.
Hey, I got it right
off your application.
Carla, how could you?
Last time I play cupid for you!
After our moonlight
drive up to the cape,
we'll check into
separate rooms...
One for us,
one for our toothbrushes.
I wish you could
bottle that charm.
Is that right?
Yeah, then I could
put a cork in it.
Hey, uh, Sammy? Beer down here?
I'll, uh... I'll be back.
Tell me you're
not in trouble, Sam.
Tell me you're just
playing around with her,
I can't go on.
I'm, uh... I'm just
playing around with her.
He's just playing
around with her.
Give up, Sam.
It takes a big man to
admit he's a small person.
And now, Harvard yard!
It was here that in 1636,
John Harvard raised
his eyes to heaven
and announced...
Line up! The can is fixed!
Come here.
Look, I let you do this
one time, but no more.
I don't want you to come
back in here. You understand?
Sorry about this!
They're studying for finals.
Let's give a little
consideration
and tiptoe out.
Seems like all we've
done all day long
was go from one bar to another.
What do you want for
8 bucks, minutemen?
Move it!
Nina, your super called.
He said your heat's back on.
Oh thanks, Carla.
Uh, listen, Nina.
Nina, Nina.
Uh... I sense that we have
had trouble hitting it off tonight.
But I think I know why.
Put aside, for now,
my technique, my style,
my smooth manner.
Put aside my hair,
my teeth, my physique.
Put all that aside and
what have you got?
Nothing.
You know, I don't even feel
like being with a woman tonight.
Good night, Nina.
Good night, Sam.
It turns out we were cousins.
Nina, can you
wait just a minute?
The coach wanted
to say goodbye to you.
He'll be right out.
Oh, ok.
I give up. The
woman's undateable.
Undateable, Sam?
Yeah.
I don't think so.
In fact, I have a hunch
you're about to see that woman
swept off her feet by a guy.
You're crazy.
It may seem impossible to you,
one whose idea of
romance is a floor mat
and the bolero played at 78,
but you're about to see a
man get a date with a woman
using nothing but sincerity
and his own feelings.
She's kinky, huh?
You mean the coach?
He's crazy about her.
I would have told you sooner,
but he swore me to secrecy.
I've been building
up his courage all day.
Look, Diane, you've got to
stop him. She's unbelievable.
She'll crush him.
Nina?
Oh, hi Ernie. I was waiting
to say good night to you.
Uh...
Listen, Nina, uh...
I want to say something. Uh...
Look, I'm not a rich guy,
and, you know, I'm no brain.
I'm just an average guy,
but I like you, Nina,
and I'd like to go out
and do things with you.
Would you have
dinner with me tonight?
Oh, Ernie, that's sweet of you,
but I've got a lot
of unpacking to do.
But thanks for asking.
Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah.
Coach, coach.
Look, I got shot down, too.
Listen, there are just
some women in this world
that you can't get to.
And she's all of them.
I made reservations upstairs.
Well, good night, everybody.
It was nice to meet you all.
Yeah. Ok. Good night.
Good night, Ernie.
Bye, Nina.
Aah! Ow!
He's out like a...
Coach, wake up!
Is he all right?
Ernie, are you all right?
Ah! Ooh!
Are you ok?
Yeah. I'm just a little woozy.
Coach, let me take you home.
Oh no, let me. I
live there anyway.
Oh no, honey. You got
all that unpacking to do.
Oh now, don't be silly.
This is a lot more
important than unpacking.
I'm ok.
Works every time.
Hey, Sam.
I might not be in
tomorrow morning.
step right in here.
Come on, come on.
This is the home of Paul revere.
Looks like a bar to me.
Well the reveres
liked to entertain a lot.
Walk around and soak
up some atmosphere.
Give me a shot of bourbon.
What's this all about?
It's a walking tour of Boston,
and it's 30 degrees outside,
and my feet are throbbing.
Paul revere's house
is nowhere near here.
You want to do this?
I got to fit in five more
sights before 6:00.
I'll never make it.
Ah!
We are also standing
on the grainery burying ground,
the old corner bookstore,
and the old north church.
Well, let's get going.
This is it for Boston.
That's the whole tour?
Seemed to fly by, didn't it?
Bid a fond adieu to Boston,
the hub of new england.
I always thought
Boston was a lot bigger.
It is in the summer.
Making your way
in the world today
takes everything you've got
taking a break
from all your worries
sure would help a lot
wouldn't you like to get away
sometimes you wanna go
where everybody knows your name
and they're always glad you came
y0u wanna be where you can see
our troubles are all the same
you wanna be where
everybody knows your name
you wanna go where people know
people are all the same
you wanna go where
everybody knows your name
Sure, sister. No,
that would be fine.
You're welcome.
Hey, Sammy, I didn't
know you had a sister.
No, that's sister Teresa from
St. Mathias school for girls.
She's sending one of her
students over with a playbill.
Hey, you know, that St.
Mathias a good school.
I've had two kids
thrown out of there.
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
Norman.
What's up, norm?
My nipples. It's
freezing out there.
So, how was your
Sunday there, norm?
Did you catch the
celtics-76ers game?
Oh, yes.
And the bruins-flyers,
the ramos-ramos fight,
yesterday
Australian-rules football.
Tomorrow we got Boston
college versus iona.
Put that money down, pal.
Yeah, I'll be ready.
Norman, doesn't your
wife ever complain
that you never spend
any time with her?
Would you?
Well, what I can't fathom
is how one can drink
ice-cold beer in
freezing weather.
Cliff, explanation, please.
Now, how do you know he has one?
5 bucks says he does,
10 says it's a doozie.
When the British
ruled the punjab...
10 bucks all the way.
They drank steaming
hot pots of tea
on the hottest days of the year
to balance out their inside
and outside temperatures.
See, conversely,
drinking an ice-cold drink
on a cold day actually results
in a more comfortable
body temperature.
All right. Why do you
drink ice-cold beer
on a hot day?
Mr. Clavin.
What else you
going to do with it?
Well, I got to get rid
of a little bit right now.
I'll be in the
little boys' room.
Hop on one leg, big boy.
Sammy, the pipes
are clogged up again.
Nothing's working back there.
I'm sorry norm, you're going to
have to go up to melville's again.
Jacket in the same spot?
Yeah.
What a drag, huh, norm?
Dress up to go to the John.
Come on.
You know, you men have it easy.
We have to wear taffeta
and have the correct change.
Hey, looks good there,
norm. Who's your tailor?
Give me a break.
The sweater's a
little bulky, all right?
Have a good time
up there, Ollie.
I'll be in the back
with my pipes.
Wait. I've got an order.
Carla's got the
bar. Right, Carla?
Hey, that's right!
Yo-ho!
O.k., everybody!
Carla's got the bar!
You can have anything you want,
as long as it doesn't
have ice, straws, cherries,
olives, mixer, umbrellas,
fruits, or flames.
An order.
I need an old fashioned,
a Brandy Alexander,
and a Martini.
Three beers coming up.
Ooh, boy!
The damnedest thing.
I've been shivering
all the way over here.
Coach, you don't have a
coat on. It's 30 degrees outside.
Oh, thank god.
I thought I had malaria.
Are you all right?
No, Diane. I don't know
where my mind is today.
I just remembered.
I left it at Nina's apartment.
Your mind?
No. My coat.
Who's Nina?
Oh, just a girl who moved
into my building today.
I helped her move
some of her stuff in.
Diane, it's the damnedest thing.
I kept wanting
to smell her neck.
You wanted to smell her neck?
Yeah, and it just hit
me what that's all about.
Physical attraction?
No. Lux.
It used to be the
soap of the stars.
Diane, don't say anything
about this to anybody, please.
Why?
It's embarrassing.
Look, if you're my friend,
you won't say it, ok?
Coach, you're a
normal, healthy man
who happens to be
attracted to a woman.
What's wrong with that?
For one thing, she's
a lot younger than me.
How much younger?
Well, you'll see because
I told her where I work
and she said she might
drop in after she unpacked.
Hello.
Oh. Hi, sweetheart.
You're under arrest.
That not... that's not her!
Hi. Come on in.
I'm from the St.
Mathias school for girls.
Sure.
Sam told me I could
put a playbill up here.
Oh, good.
What play are you doing?
We're putting on a production
of twelve angry men,
a taut, absorbing
psychological drama.
When I was your age,
we did Romeo and Juliet.
We were looking for
something with more meat.
Thank you.
You're welcome, honey.
I'll hang it up for you.
Hi, Ernie.
Nina. Hi!
Welcome to cheers.
Boy, it's nice and warm in here.
My apartment is freezing.
I hope you don't
mind, but I asked
the super to call me here
when they get
the heat turned on.
No, no, it's a great idea.
Come on. Sit down.
I'll show you the place.
Have a seat.
Now, let's see, uh...
This is the bar.
Uh... those are the bottles.
Uh... these are the glasses.
That's a stool.
Uh... any questions?
Well, you know, I've
always wondered,
what kind of gas do you use
to pressurize those beer kegs.
Probably unleaded.
Can I get you a drink?
Sure. White wine.
White wine.
Ooh, Diane, Nina. Nina, Diane.
Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you. Hi.
Diane is very smart.
Diane, say something very smart.
Tempis fugit.
Coach, she's adorable.
Isn't she?
Oh, Carla, come over
for a minute, will you?
I'm busy.
Carla's been in a lousy mood
for the last two, three years.
Let me tell you, it's
getting strange up there.
Now, that's norm.
That's not norm's jacket.
What do you mean, strange?
The new men's room attendant.
Guy hands me a
towel, whisks me off,
and invites me out to a movie.
Guys!
Guys, meet Nina.
She just moved into my place.
Whoo! All right, coach!
No, no, no. Not my
apartment. My building.
Crazy guys.
They're nice, though.
I'd still be dragging my box
spring if it wasn't for Ernie.
You're a dog, coach.
Honey, would you excuse me?
I got to check the back room.
That's it for me.
That's Sam. He's handsome.
He's a bit of a wolf.
Well, I don't know what
I'm doing back there.
Does anybody know
anything about plumbing?
Well, the romans had
an elaborate system
of aqueducts there, Sammy.
They were sort of
the forerunners of...
Cliff, I need somebody
to help me fix the plumbing.
Sorry, Sam. Strictly theory.
Hey, let me do it.
Give me a break, Carla.
Come on, I mean, I'm
an expert at this stuff.
I got four kids
and one bathroom.
My kids gave me
drano for mother's day.
Give me that wrench. I'm
going in there. Come on.
Go get 'em.
Ok, everybody out
of the men's room!
Why didn't you say
that before you came in?
Give me two beers, Sam.
Excuse me a second.
Oh, Sam, look, uh, I know
what you're going to do.
I can't explain now...
Just stay away
from that woman, ok?
What woman?
Oh.
Actually, I was going
over for a cup of coffee,
but thanks for pointing her out.
I must be slipping.
Sam...
Please. I can't tell you why,
but it's just not right.
Ok, all right.
If you insist.
Ah, wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.
I understand something
about psychology.
Oh?
Yeah. By telling me
not to go over there,
you're trying to
get my curiosity up
so that I'll do exactly
the opposite, right?
Absolutely not.
No, no!
Probably a friend of yours, huh?
Two of you cook something up
to make me look
like a silly fool.
I'm not going anywhere near her.
Thank you.
Thank you?
That's exactly what
you wanted me to do
was walk away, wasn't it?
You don't want me to go
anywhere near her, do you?
No.
No, meaning yes.
Hey, listen, this is my bar.
I'll do what I want.
Hi there.
Oh, hi.
You new in the neighborhood?
Yeah, I'm new to Boston.
How do you like it so far?
Fine. How do you like it?
Much better now.
Look, I'm sorry
about all this stuff.
I'm just sitting here waiting
for my heat to be turned on.
How hot do you want it to get?
I heard you were kind of a wolf.
Howl at the moon one time,
and they never
let you forget it.
Listen, while we're on
the subject of sub gum,
how'd you like to go out
to Chinese food later?
No, thank you. I'd rather not.
Did I make it clear
I meant with me?
Painfully.
I think I like this girl.
[Wrench clanks]
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I'll go say goodbye
to my bathroom.
Congratulations, Diane.
You and your friend made
me look like a complete ass.
I hope you're happy.
Couldn't have
done it without you.
Isn't she great, Diane?
Yes, she is.
You know, coach,
I think you should ask her out.
Ask her out?
Yeah.
I haven't asked
a girl out in years.
I don't know if my
old lines would work.
Well, what was the
last one you used?
"How would you like a
pair of nylons, fraulein?"
Probably not.
Come on, it worked!
What do we need it for?
It's just another
piece to clog up!
Carla, it's got to
belong to something.
You can't hang on to
things because of sentiment!
Coach, wait a minute.
How about all the
women you talk about
from your baseball days?
How did you approach them?
Well, not by talking with them.
What'd you do?
Well, I'd spot a cute
dame in the stands,
and to get their attention,
you know, I'd injure myself.
You intentionally hurt yourself?
Yeah, sure. I'd
lean into a pitch,
or I'd dive
face-first into a bag.
I'd take a real hot
grounder in the gut...
Anything to get their sympathy.
You were a sly one, coach.
Listen, one day I
wasn't even in the game
and there was this real cutie.
So, I threw myself
down the dugout steps.
It worked!
Coach, look, you don't
have to do that stuff now.
Look at her over there.
She's all by herself...
A stranger in this big city.
You are the only
friend she has here.
Can we have some
service back here?
Coming right up!
Go get her, tiger.
Hey, coach...
Yes.
Can you cover for me tonight?
Yeah, sure. Where you going?
I'm going out with
that young lady.
Diane is going to learn the
meaning of the word "comeback."
Ohh.
You say something there, coach?
Like "ohh"?
Yeah.
That wasn't me.
Can I have another
beer please, Sammy?
Coach, what's going on here?
Just a normal evening.
I'm pouring a beer,
norm's in line,
Sam's sweeping the girl
of my dreams off her feet.
Just a normal night.
Coach, I thought you
were going to do that.
Come on, Diane.
Sam's such a smoothie.
I can't remember the last
time a woman turned him down.
Will you bug off?
Does that refresh your memory?
I got her on the ropes, cliffy.
You're a real glutton for
punishment, aren't you, mayday?
Hey, the evening's young.
Ooh, but your lines are old.
Don't you worry about me.
I'm going out with
your friend tonight,
even if it kills me.
Coach, come on.
Now's your chance. Go!
Diane, who needs it?
Who needs it?
Coach, don't give up on Nina.
Diane, will you
please leave me alone.
Leave me alone, please.
No!
Get in there, you pipe,
and no backtalk!
Coach.
Diane, you can't come in
here. This is the men's room.
Well, Carla's in here.
Carla doesn't count.
Hey, watch it!
Diane, please,
I'd like to be alone.
Coach, now if you don't act now,
your life will be
forever haunted
with the memory
of lost opportunity.
Diane, maybe you're right.
Maybe I should
have tried earlier,
but Sam's after her
now. Can't you see that?
Well, so?
He's not getting anywhere.
Whoa! You got the hots for Nina?
Oh, you know that too, huh?
Carla, coach is too
shy to ask Nina out.
Oh, come on, will you?
Who wants to date me?
I'm over the hill.
Nothing could be
further from the truth.
I'd go out with you.
Really?
Yes.
I would, too.
See? And we all know
how fussy Carla is.
You're not just saying this?
No!
Hey, coach.
You're a cutie.
Come on over here, cutie.
Look at you.
What a hunk!
Yeah! Coach,
you're a pin-up guy.
Yeah, you!
Stop it, the two of you!
Hey, who is that stud?
Well, uh...
I'm no Harold Flynn,
but it's ok.
Coach, it's errol Flynn.
No, Harold Flynn...
He used to play
second base for Chicago.
Good look, no hit.
Diane.
Carla.
I'm going to do it.
Just give me a few minutes
to spruce up, will you?
Listen, coach. That's great.
And I'll make sure
that Nina sticks around.
I can't believe the
graffiti in this place.
Adolescent men are... Oh, no!
What? What is it?
Look at this!
"For a good time,
call Diane chambers."
Thank god they got
the number wrong.
Hey, I got it right
off your application.
Carla, how could you?
Last time I play cupid for you!
After our moonlight
drive up to the cape,
we'll check into
separate rooms...
One for us,
one for our toothbrushes.
I wish you could
bottle that charm.
Is that right?
Yeah, then I could
put a cork in it.
Hey, uh, Sammy? Beer down here?
I'll, uh... I'll be back.
Tell me you're
not in trouble, Sam.
Tell me you're just
playing around with her,
I can't go on.
I'm, uh... I'm just
playing around with her.
He's just playing
around with her.
Give up, Sam.
It takes a big man to
admit he's a small person.
And now, Harvard yard!
It was here that in 1636,
John Harvard raised
his eyes to heaven
and announced...
Line up! The can is fixed!
Come here.
Look, I let you do this
one time, but no more.
I don't want you to come
back in here. You understand?
Sorry about this!
They're studying for finals.
Let's give a little
consideration
and tiptoe out.
Seems like all we've
done all day long
was go from one bar to another.
What do you want for
8 bucks, minutemen?
Move it!
Nina, your super called.
He said your heat's back on.
Oh thanks, Carla.
Uh, listen, Nina.
Nina, Nina.
Uh... I sense that we have
had trouble hitting it off tonight.
But I think I know why.
Put aside, for now,
my technique, my style,
my smooth manner.
Put aside my hair,
my teeth, my physique.
Put all that aside and
what have you got?
Nothing.
You know, I don't even feel
like being with a woman tonight.
Good night, Nina.
Good night, Sam.
It turns out we were cousins.
Nina, can you
wait just a minute?
The coach wanted
to say goodbye to you.
He'll be right out.
Oh, ok.
I give up. The
woman's undateable.
Undateable, Sam?
Yeah.
I don't think so.
In fact, I have a hunch
you're about to see that woman
swept off her feet by a guy.
You're crazy.
It may seem impossible to you,
one whose idea of
romance is a floor mat
and the bolero played at 78,
but you're about to see a
man get a date with a woman
using nothing but sincerity
and his own feelings.
She's kinky, huh?
You mean the coach?
He's crazy about her.
I would have told you sooner,
but he swore me to secrecy.
I've been building
up his courage all day.
Look, Diane, you've got to
stop him. She's unbelievable.
She'll crush him.
Nina?
Oh, hi Ernie. I was waiting
to say good night to you.
Uh...
Listen, Nina, uh...
I want to say something. Uh...
Look, I'm not a rich guy,
and, you know, I'm no brain.
I'm just an average guy,
but I like you, Nina,
and I'd like to go out
and do things with you.
Would you have
dinner with me tonight?
Oh, Ernie, that's sweet of you,
but I've got a lot
of unpacking to do.
But thanks for asking.
Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah.
Coach, coach.
Look, I got shot down, too.
Listen, there are just
some women in this world
that you can't get to.
And she's all of them.
I made reservations upstairs.
Well, good night, everybody.
It was nice to meet you all.
Yeah. Ok. Good night.
Good night, Ernie.
Bye, Nina.
Aah! Ow!
He's out like a...
Coach, wake up!
Is he all right?
Ernie, are you all right?
Ah! Ooh!
Are you ok?
Yeah. I'm just a little woozy.
Coach, let me take you home.
Oh no, let me. I
live there anyway.
Oh no, honey. You got
all that unpacking to do.
Oh now, don't be silly.
This is a lot more
important than unpacking.
I'm ok.
Works every time.
Hey, Sam.
I might not be in
tomorrow morning.