Cheers (1982–1993): Season 1, Episode 8 - Truce or Consequences - full transcript
Carla tells Diane a shocking secret about her relationship with Sam. It's an outright lie, but Carla does it just to prove that Diane can't keep a secret and will never be her real friend.
Alright, locking it up.
Who needs a ride home?
Come on, who needs a ride home?
I guess we're all sober enough
to drive ourselves tonight.
Looks like you get to go
straight home for a change.
I've never driven straight home.
I wouldn't know how to do it.
- OK, Coach. You can take me.
- What a prince.
- Thanks, I owe you one.
- Any time.
Goodnight now.
Drop me off at Kenmore Square.
I can catch a cab to take
me back here to my car.
What do you think you're doing?
Just having a
little late-night fun.
Listen, pencil neck, you're
starting to get on my nerves.
Please don't call me pencil
neck. I am not a pencil neck.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to call you
pencil neck, gozzlehead.
Name calling. The last
refuge of the monosyllabic.
I don't know what that
means but I heard slob in there.
Hey, come on, Diane, Carla,
you go at each other every night.
We're getting scouts in
here from the roller derby.
Listen, I mean it. Do something
about this, or I'm gonna...
I'm gonna think about
personnel changes.
What choice do we have,
Sam? We don't like each other.
No, Carla, Sam's... Carla.
Sam's making good sense.
You could knock me over
with a feather, but he is.
We need to sit down
together and talk this out.
That's nuts. What's
there to talk about?
Listen. I want you to sit
down and settle this, or else.
We'll do it.
Carla
Do it.
- Can we use this table?
- Oh, you mean here? No.
I was thinking more along the
lines of your homes or a coffee shop.
Down by the docks, maybe.
Sam. We'll lock up,
don't worry about it.
Now is the time.
This is the place.
Unchecked rage is
like a festering wound.
Laughs aplenty tonight.
Look. You expect me to I leave
the two of you here without a referee?
Come on. What could happen?
Nothing.
Two women left alone,
who hate each other,
in a room filled with
glass and alcohol. Silly.
- This was your idea. Bye.
- Alright. Check the locks twice, OK?
Aye, aye, captain.
And make sure the
lights over the bar are out.
Lights over the bar.
Right. Goodnight.
Maybe check the thermostat.
We'll do that, yes. Thank
you, goodnight and goodbye.
I have no life insurance.
Just this place.
Goodnight.
OK, let's sit down, relax and
open the lines of communication.
I want a drink.
Wonderful. Let's
have a bottle of wine.
I think we've got your
favourite. Château Guam.
I'm talking a
drink. I'll make it.
Wonderful. OK.
You're gonna like this.
And then we use...
I only do it for
special occasions.
Well, Carla, thank
you. I'm honoured.
You're really getting
into the spirit of this thing.
- What's the drink?
- A family recipe.
We call it Leap
lnto An Open Grave.
You're kidding.
My Uncle Joe stumbled across it
when he was making a car bomb.
You're kidding, right? Carla?
One for good luck.
Nice touch.
Keep the glasses moving so the
fumes don't burn a hole in the ceiling.
Delicious.
And it goes right to your head.
No one in my
family lives past 43.
OK, let's chat.
I don't know what
we're talking for.
We're different people.
We'll never get along.
- We're not totally different.
- Name one similarity.
Well, we...
We're both women.
Why do I get the feeling that
we're jerking our chain, here?
No, there's more. We
both share the same job.
Of course, I'm not as
good at it as you are.
It doesn't take a
genius to notice.
But thank you.
You know, Carla, I particularly
admire the way you handle passes.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
A guy in the back
room tonight asked me
if I wanted to play something called
The Shepherdess And The Hun.
Which part did he
want you to play?
This is fun, isn't it?
Easy give-and-take
between two working gals.
You know, I think
we're coming together.
That's the Open Grave.
Give it another 15 minutes, you'll
be French-kissing the sump pump.
No, seriously. We're
connecting, I'm certain of it.
Yeah. People need people.
I'm a people person. I can be there
for you, I wanna be there for you.
Please, benefit from my depth.
This stuff. Great.
You would do that for
me? You'd listen to me?
With all my heart,
mind and soul.
You know... Thank you.
There are moments when I wanna
spill my guts, know what I mean?
Yes.
I've got things,
one thing in particular,
that I've been carrying around
inside of me for a long time.
Tell me.
I barely know you.
Well, Carla, you brought it up.
You obviously want to get it out.
Maybe I do, but...
Carla, I swear, I'll keep
my mouth shut. I swear.
About five years ago...
Sam threw a party here.
The big guy was
still on the sauce
so every night was an
excuse for a big bash.
Anyway, this one time he
was too tanked to drive home.
So I took him.
I helped him upstairs...
to his bedroom.
One thing led to another.
Nine months later,
Gino was born.
- Gino?
- Sam's son.
Carla, I don't believe this.
Me neither, you're gonna die.
Sam.
Sam did this?
He's a beast.
No. Sam's been
really good about it.
I mean, he's always
helped out with the kid.
I've never blamed
him for anything.
It's as much my fault as his.
But you bore the child,
you're raising the child.
You plucky little soldier, you.
Sam and I are the only
ones that know, understand?
Carla, l... l just wanna
hug you right now.
I feel kinda close to you, too.
People
People who need people
Good God.
Carla, my gumba.
I like somebody who knows
when she's had enough.
Hi. Sorry I'm back, I
forgot my bubblegum.
I know that sounds crazy...
Oh, my God,
Carla, you killed her.
Don't get your hopes up,
Sam. I just mixed her a drink.
Carla, you made
her an Open Grave.
Yeah. And she leaped right in.
She's out cold.
This is irresponsible.
- I tried to slow her down.
- I'm gonna take her home.
- Will you get her things for me?
- Sure.
Did you straighten things out?
Yeah. You know, it was great.
She got sickening,
I told the biggest lie I could
think of and she started to sing.
- Why did you do that?
- She brings out the devil in me.
I dunno. I was getting
a buzz on feeling loose.
I decided to have
some fun with her.
What did you tell her?
Sam, it's something
I told Diane.
She swore she would
never tell another living soul.
She'll tell you tomorrow.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm.
- How's it going?
- Daddy's rich, Mamma's good-lookin'!
Good evening.
Hi, Diane. How are you?
Hey, Sis, how's my
buddy feeling today?
Well...
I got up this morning,
washed my face.
I shaved my tongue.
I came right in.
However,
no regrets.
Evenings like that come
seldom in a lifetime.
- How are you, Carla?
- Fine, thanks.
How is poor little Gino?
A little hung over, are we?
I can't keep anything from you.
You know, I know
something to stop hangovers.
Thank God. What is it?
Don't drink so much.
Thank you.
But thank you, Sam. Truly.
For getting Carla
and I together at last.
You're welcome.
She really is a wonderful
woman, isn't she?
Yeah. She's alright.
And her children are
truly wonderful, too.
Yeah, if you like
chainsaws with feet.
But I understand that Gino is
an extraordinarily fine young man.
Which one's he?
He's... who he is.
- Sam, where's my bourbon and ginger?
- Coming right up.
You're slipping, sweetheart.
- You're staring at me.
- Oh, was I?
Right through me, in fact.
I've got to get home
to the little lady.
- It's my tenth wedding anniversary.
- Congratulations.
- Big plans, huh?
- The biggest.
We're going out for a pizza. it
gets me back here about ten o'clock.
A whole quarter. I'm gonna
name the Ferrari after you.
- Now look here, miss...
- No, you look...
- My office now.
- It's a whole dollar below insult.
- Carla, right now.
- Sam.
It wasn't her fault. She
was deliberately snubbed.
Diane, she's my employee.
This is none of your
business. Stay out of it.
Coach, Sam just called
Carla "an employee".
No kidding. How
did Carla take it?
- What do you think he's gonna do?
- Nothing. Bawl her out a little.
How dare he chastise her?
She can barely scrape out a living.
How much suffering
does she have to do?
She's raising four children, not
to mention one of them is Sam's...
One of Carla's
kids is Sam's kid?
- No. I didn't say that.
- Let me figure this out, now.
Sam knows Carla
five years, right?
Carla's youngest kid,
Gino, is seven and a half.
That's it. it works out.
Wait a minute.
- Gino is seven and a half years old?
- Yeah.
And Sam and Carla have only
known each other five years?
Right, but who would ever
figure that Gino was Sam's kid?
She lied.
She deliberately lied.
You mean that
Gino's not Sam's kid?
No.
Holy mackerel! This is gonna
break Sam's heart when he hears this.
I reached out to her.
That weasel.
Coach,
what do you do when you are so
furious you have to do something?
Well, I know you'll think it's crazy,
but I bang my head on the bar.
Doesn't sound crazy to me.
It might do me good right now.
Well, OK.
- No, don't. Stop that, please.
- You feel better?
Yes. Thank you.
- How about you?
- I feel fine.
To me, it's kind
of a picker-upper.
Hello. My name is Carla. I'll
be your slave for the evening.
No, I won't do it. I won't
give her the satisfaction.
She's just waiting for me
to break her confidence.
She can play me for the fool,
but she will not tarnish my dignity.
This is none of your concern.
Hello, my friend, my
dearest confidante.
How's your rotten,
lying little mouth?
Got you.
"One thing led to another,
and then Gino was born."
I knew it. I knew you'd tell.
You had to tell somebody
our secret to find out.
- That's beside the point.
- It isn't.
I knew you couldn't keep it. You
hold your secrets like your booze.
Telling me that story
was reprehensible.
Lighten up. You
wanna be my friend?
You wanna get along?
Let your hair down.
How about I take your hair
and scour the sink with it?
Is that a Brillo shot?
Only if it offends you.
You sound like a lady who
is getting tired of her teeth.
I'm tired of your teeth and
all the vermicelli in between.
In my office.
Be quiet!
I think Sammy can handle
that one, huh, Coach?
I hate to see that kind
of thing between women.
I know what you mean, Coach.
Women fighting is very unladylike.
Unless, of course, they're
wallowing around in mudpits.
Now, somebody, please,
tell me what's going on.
Last night, out of the
goodness of my heart,
I reached out to
this little twerp.
And she deliberately
duped me into believing
that you were the father
of one of her children.
- Me?
- Yes. She referred to it as a joke.
Snicker, snicker.
I told her we fooled around
once and Gino was the result.
Gino?
You told her that you and...?
You thought that she and l...?
Gino?
Your Gino?
You should have seen her
face. Her chin was in her lap.
Of course, laugh at the
fool. Laugh at my expense.
- Show her a picture of Gino.
- Yeah, OK.
You think he's funny-looking. You
wanna see what makes Gino laugh?
- His real dad.
- Let me see.
Look, Whitey, I'm sorry.
I know I can be a
real pain sometimes.
And I know that I take things
a little too seriously at times.
I guess I need to
be reminded of that.
Well, I'll always
be there for you.
Listen, I want you
two to shake hands.
You're alright.
Maybe we can go
to a movie one night.
Fine. When?
I'll get back to you.
I'm proud of you, I really am,
for holding your own with Carla.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Sam, could I ask a little
off-the-cuff question?
Sure.
Who took me home
last night? You or Carla?
You don't remember?
No.
We both did.
Who put my pyjamas on?
- Carla did.
- You'd already left by that time?
No. I was still there.
You mean watching?
No. I was in the other room,
minding my own business.
On my good behaviour.
Trying on your lingerie.
Who needs a ride home?
Come on, who needs a ride home?
I guess we're all sober enough
to drive ourselves tonight.
Looks like you get to go
straight home for a change.
I've never driven straight home.
I wouldn't know how to do it.
- OK, Coach. You can take me.
- What a prince.
- Thanks, I owe you one.
- Any time.
Goodnight now.
Drop me off at Kenmore Square.
I can catch a cab to take
me back here to my car.
What do you think you're doing?
Just having a
little late-night fun.
Listen, pencil neck, you're
starting to get on my nerves.
Please don't call me pencil
neck. I am not a pencil neck.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to call you
pencil neck, gozzlehead.
Name calling. The last
refuge of the monosyllabic.
I don't know what that
means but I heard slob in there.
Hey, come on, Diane, Carla,
you go at each other every night.
We're getting scouts in
here from the roller derby.
Listen, I mean it. Do something
about this, or I'm gonna...
I'm gonna think about
personnel changes.
What choice do we have,
Sam? We don't like each other.
No, Carla, Sam's... Carla.
Sam's making good sense.
You could knock me over
with a feather, but he is.
We need to sit down
together and talk this out.
That's nuts. What's
there to talk about?
Listen. I want you to sit
down and settle this, or else.
We'll do it.
Carla
Do it.
- Can we use this table?
- Oh, you mean here? No.
I was thinking more along the
lines of your homes or a coffee shop.
Down by the docks, maybe.
Sam. We'll lock up,
don't worry about it.
Now is the time.
This is the place.
Unchecked rage is
like a festering wound.
Laughs aplenty tonight.
Look. You expect me to I leave
the two of you here without a referee?
Come on. What could happen?
Nothing.
Two women left alone,
who hate each other,
in a room filled with
glass and alcohol. Silly.
- This was your idea. Bye.
- Alright. Check the locks twice, OK?
Aye, aye, captain.
And make sure the
lights over the bar are out.
Lights over the bar.
Right. Goodnight.
Maybe check the thermostat.
We'll do that, yes. Thank
you, goodnight and goodbye.
I have no life insurance.
Just this place.
Goodnight.
OK, let's sit down, relax and
open the lines of communication.
I want a drink.
Wonderful. Let's
have a bottle of wine.
I think we've got your
favourite. Château Guam.
I'm talking a
drink. I'll make it.
Wonderful. OK.
You're gonna like this.
And then we use...
I only do it for
special occasions.
Well, Carla, thank
you. I'm honoured.
You're really getting
into the spirit of this thing.
- What's the drink?
- A family recipe.
We call it Leap
lnto An Open Grave.
You're kidding.
My Uncle Joe stumbled across it
when he was making a car bomb.
You're kidding, right? Carla?
One for good luck.
Nice touch.
Keep the glasses moving so the
fumes don't burn a hole in the ceiling.
Delicious.
And it goes right to your head.
No one in my
family lives past 43.
OK, let's chat.
I don't know what
we're talking for.
We're different people.
We'll never get along.
- We're not totally different.
- Name one similarity.
Well, we...
We're both women.
Why do I get the feeling that
we're jerking our chain, here?
No, there's more. We
both share the same job.
Of course, I'm not as
good at it as you are.
It doesn't take a
genius to notice.
But thank you.
You know, Carla, I particularly
admire the way you handle passes.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
A guy in the back
room tonight asked me
if I wanted to play something called
The Shepherdess And The Hun.
Which part did he
want you to play?
This is fun, isn't it?
Easy give-and-take
between two working gals.
You know, I think
we're coming together.
That's the Open Grave.
Give it another 15 minutes, you'll
be French-kissing the sump pump.
No, seriously. We're
connecting, I'm certain of it.
Yeah. People need people.
I'm a people person. I can be there
for you, I wanna be there for you.
Please, benefit from my depth.
This stuff. Great.
You would do that for
me? You'd listen to me?
With all my heart,
mind and soul.
You know... Thank you.
There are moments when I wanna
spill my guts, know what I mean?
Yes.
I've got things,
one thing in particular,
that I've been carrying around
inside of me for a long time.
Tell me.
I barely know you.
Well, Carla, you brought it up.
You obviously want to get it out.
Maybe I do, but...
Carla, I swear, I'll keep
my mouth shut. I swear.
About five years ago...
Sam threw a party here.
The big guy was
still on the sauce
so every night was an
excuse for a big bash.
Anyway, this one time he
was too tanked to drive home.
So I took him.
I helped him upstairs...
to his bedroom.
One thing led to another.
Nine months later,
Gino was born.
- Gino?
- Sam's son.
Carla, I don't believe this.
Me neither, you're gonna die.
Sam.
Sam did this?
He's a beast.
No. Sam's been
really good about it.
I mean, he's always
helped out with the kid.
I've never blamed
him for anything.
It's as much my fault as his.
But you bore the child,
you're raising the child.
You plucky little soldier, you.
Sam and I are the only
ones that know, understand?
Carla, l... l just wanna
hug you right now.
I feel kinda close to you, too.
People
People who need people
Good God.
Carla, my gumba.
I like somebody who knows
when she's had enough.
Hi. Sorry I'm back, I
forgot my bubblegum.
I know that sounds crazy...
Oh, my God,
Carla, you killed her.
Don't get your hopes up,
Sam. I just mixed her a drink.
Carla, you made
her an Open Grave.
Yeah. And she leaped right in.
She's out cold.
This is irresponsible.
- I tried to slow her down.
- I'm gonna take her home.
- Will you get her things for me?
- Sure.
Did you straighten things out?
Yeah. You know, it was great.
She got sickening,
I told the biggest lie I could
think of and she started to sing.
- Why did you do that?
- She brings out the devil in me.
I dunno. I was getting
a buzz on feeling loose.
I decided to have
some fun with her.
What did you tell her?
Sam, it's something
I told Diane.
She swore she would
never tell another living soul.
She'll tell you tomorrow.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm.
- How's it going?
- Daddy's rich, Mamma's good-lookin'!
Good evening.
Hi, Diane. How are you?
Hey, Sis, how's my
buddy feeling today?
Well...
I got up this morning,
washed my face.
I shaved my tongue.
I came right in.
However,
no regrets.
Evenings like that come
seldom in a lifetime.
- How are you, Carla?
- Fine, thanks.
How is poor little Gino?
A little hung over, are we?
I can't keep anything from you.
You know, I know
something to stop hangovers.
Thank God. What is it?
Don't drink so much.
Thank you.
But thank you, Sam. Truly.
For getting Carla
and I together at last.
You're welcome.
She really is a wonderful
woman, isn't she?
Yeah. She's alright.
And her children are
truly wonderful, too.
Yeah, if you like
chainsaws with feet.
But I understand that Gino is
an extraordinarily fine young man.
Which one's he?
He's... who he is.
- Sam, where's my bourbon and ginger?
- Coming right up.
You're slipping, sweetheart.
- You're staring at me.
- Oh, was I?
Right through me, in fact.
I've got to get home
to the little lady.
- It's my tenth wedding anniversary.
- Congratulations.
- Big plans, huh?
- The biggest.
We're going out for a pizza. it
gets me back here about ten o'clock.
A whole quarter. I'm gonna
name the Ferrari after you.
- Now look here, miss...
- No, you look...
- My office now.
- It's a whole dollar below insult.
- Carla, right now.
- Sam.
It wasn't her fault. She
was deliberately snubbed.
Diane, she's my employee.
This is none of your
business. Stay out of it.
Coach, Sam just called
Carla "an employee".
No kidding. How
did Carla take it?
- What do you think he's gonna do?
- Nothing. Bawl her out a little.
How dare he chastise her?
She can barely scrape out a living.
How much suffering
does she have to do?
She's raising four children, not
to mention one of them is Sam's...
One of Carla's
kids is Sam's kid?
- No. I didn't say that.
- Let me figure this out, now.
Sam knows Carla
five years, right?
Carla's youngest kid,
Gino, is seven and a half.
That's it. it works out.
Wait a minute.
- Gino is seven and a half years old?
- Yeah.
And Sam and Carla have only
known each other five years?
Right, but who would ever
figure that Gino was Sam's kid?
She lied.
She deliberately lied.
You mean that
Gino's not Sam's kid?
No.
Holy mackerel! This is gonna
break Sam's heart when he hears this.
I reached out to her.
That weasel.
Coach,
what do you do when you are so
furious you have to do something?
Well, I know you'll think it's crazy,
but I bang my head on the bar.
Doesn't sound crazy to me.
It might do me good right now.
Well, OK.
- No, don't. Stop that, please.
- You feel better?
Yes. Thank you.
- How about you?
- I feel fine.
To me, it's kind
of a picker-upper.
Hello. My name is Carla. I'll
be your slave for the evening.
No, I won't do it. I won't
give her the satisfaction.
She's just waiting for me
to break her confidence.
She can play me for the fool,
but she will not tarnish my dignity.
This is none of your concern.
Hello, my friend, my
dearest confidante.
How's your rotten,
lying little mouth?
Got you.
"One thing led to another,
and then Gino was born."
I knew it. I knew you'd tell.
You had to tell somebody
our secret to find out.
- That's beside the point.
- It isn't.
I knew you couldn't keep it. You
hold your secrets like your booze.
Telling me that story
was reprehensible.
Lighten up. You
wanna be my friend?
You wanna get along?
Let your hair down.
How about I take your hair
and scour the sink with it?
Is that a Brillo shot?
Only if it offends you.
You sound like a lady who
is getting tired of her teeth.
I'm tired of your teeth and
all the vermicelli in between.
In my office.
Be quiet!
I think Sammy can handle
that one, huh, Coach?
I hate to see that kind
of thing between women.
I know what you mean, Coach.
Women fighting is very unladylike.
Unless, of course, they're
wallowing around in mudpits.
Now, somebody, please,
tell me what's going on.
Last night, out of the
goodness of my heart,
I reached out to
this little twerp.
And she deliberately
duped me into believing
that you were the father
of one of her children.
- Me?
- Yes. She referred to it as a joke.
Snicker, snicker.
I told her we fooled around
once and Gino was the result.
Gino?
You told her that you and...?
You thought that she and l...?
Gino?
Your Gino?
You should have seen her
face. Her chin was in her lap.
Of course, laugh at the
fool. Laugh at my expense.
- Show her a picture of Gino.
- Yeah, OK.
You think he's funny-looking. You
wanna see what makes Gino laugh?
- His real dad.
- Let me see.
Look, Whitey, I'm sorry.
I know I can be a
real pain sometimes.
And I know that I take things
a little too seriously at times.
I guess I need to
be reminded of that.
Well, I'll always
be there for you.
Listen, I want you
two to shake hands.
You're alright.
Maybe we can go
to a movie one night.
Fine. When?
I'll get back to you.
I'm proud of you, I really am,
for holding your own with Carla.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Sam, could I ask a little
off-the-cuff question?
Sure.
Who took me home
last night? You or Carla?
You don't remember?
No.
We both did.
Who put my pyjamas on?
- Carla did.
- You'd already left by that time?
No. I was still there.
You mean watching?
No. I was in the other room,
minding my own business.
On my good behaviour.
Trying on your lingerie.