Cheers (1982–1993): Season 1, Episode 7 - Friends, Romans, and Accountants - full transcript

Oh, hey, Diane, do
me a favor, will you?

Pour Mischa there
a real quick beer.

Coming right up, Mischa.

There you go.

Sam, what is he
doing with his hand?

He's a cymbals player
for the symphony,

and they're in the
middle of a concert.

He's counting out a long rest

so he'll know exactly
when to get back

for the big finish.

Oh! Fascinating.



Ok. That's $1.25 out of $20.

1.50, 1.75, 2, 3,
4, 5, 10, and 20.

Geez!

Musicians are very
temperamental.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪



♪ you want to be ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ you want to go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm!

Norman.

How's life, norm?

Not for the squeamish, coach.

Norm, what's the matter?

You're shaking there like a
meringue in an earthquake.

My whole career
as an accountant,

I just sat in my cubicle,

kept my mouth shut, right?

Today I made the mistake

of volunteering for something.

What?

Every year the firm
has a company party.

Guess who's party
director this year.

Wait a minute. Let me guess.

Let me guess. I'm
good at guessing.

Uh... julius la Rosa.

Warm, coach.

Me.

Gee. I should have taken
more time, huh, Sam?

Probably.

So how come you
volunteered, norm?

Chance to make
points with the big boss.

Last year, some
nobody named Jensen

threw a luau in the parking lot.

It was a big hit.

You know where
that man is today?

Leaning over my shoulder,
saying, "add faster."

Norman, I don't know
what you're so upset about.

Sounds like a great
opportunity to me.

That's what I thought.

After I volunteered, I
realized I never threw a party.

I killed a few.

Hey, what's the big deal, huh?

You want some excitement,

you pay a sexy chick
to jump out of a cake.

Or if you want to
save a little money,

you could get Carla to do it.

Carla! Carla.

Diane, strippers
aren't enough here!

All right, norm. Will you
relax, will you? Life's too short.

Cliff, you don't understand.

We're talking about
100 accountants.

Their lives are incredibly
dull all week long.

You got to do something special

to turn those guys
on, wake them up.

Norm, the best party I was ever
at was in a locker room, right?

We're all standing
around in our underwears,

pouring champagne on each other,

guys flinging guys into showers.

It was terrific, norm.

Coach, that was after we'd won

the division championship.

That's right. That's why
we were all in Cleveland.

Right.

Hey, norm, I got a great idea.

Have yourself a hot tub party.

What?

Yeah. It's the latest craze
out there in California.

You know, your weirdo central.

You get people in a hot tub,

you never can tell
what's gonna happen.

I mean, just today I was
delivering two copies of...

What is it... Star
parade magazine.

Guess who's on the
cover in a hot tub?

Julius la Rosa.

No, it was Burt Reynolds, coach.

Boy, I used to be
so good at this game.

I did think of one icebreaker.

You know, I go through
this year's audits,

find the biggest mistakes,

and xerox them,
pass them around.

We're talking monster
laughs, you know.

Ooh, you're a maniac, normie.

Norman, perhaps I
can give you an idea

that you could actually use.

I think parties are the most fun

when you can shed your
everyday, mundane identity

and come as someone else.

Back in college, I held a party

where everyone came as
their favorite elizabethan poet.

I remember...

It was so great.

I chose Christopher marlowe

because I was deeply into
doktor faustus at the time,

but I still get letters from
people who loved it, Norman,

loved it.

Say, didn't we used to have

a weekly elizabethan poet night?

Yeah. Started getting too rowdy.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I remember the night
you were charged

with practicing iambic
pentameter without a license.

You know, Sam, if I'm to serve

both as a waitress
and the butt of jokes,

I think I should
make more money.

Yeah, what does a good
butt make in this town?

Ok, Norman.

In keeping with the
spirit of this establishment

and its patrons,

I suggest you get
totally down in the mud

and throw a toga party.

Toga party?

You mean, like where
they dress up in sheets?

Oh, I'm sure you'd love it.

It's a stupid
fraternity tradition

where a bunch of
borderline humans

stand around swilling beer

and vomiting on themselves...

Until the inevitable denouement

when they raise their robes

to reveal the depths
of their personalities.

Hallelujah! I am saved!

Yo!

Yes, sir! I can see it.

This is gonna make that
luau look like a pig roast.

Easily, easily.

Sammy, can I use cheers?

I'll pay half what
you think it's worth.

How can I pass that up, huh?

I got a lot to do here.

I should just go home
and close myself off

and work out all the details.

Nah, I can do that
in the bathroom.

Sam.

These people aren't
dressed in togas, are they?

No, coach.

I thought it was supposed
to be a toga party.

It is.

I must be getting
my spells again.

I thought I had them licked.

No, no, no, no.
You're all right, coach.

You sure?

Yes. You're all right.
These people just haven't

gotten into the
spirit of the party yet.

Oh. Thanks, Sam.

Ah, but here comes Diane.

Gang in the back room's
ready for another order, huh?

Not yet.

It's been an hour and a half.

What are they doing,
watching their ice melt?

Actually, Sam, things
are quite peppy back there.

There's one fellow
who, believe it or not,

can recite every area
code in the country.

We're talking dazzling
entertainment here.

Sam, can you spring
me for a few minutes?

I got to see this.

Enjoy, coach.

Listen, if this guy knows
laramie, Wyoming, I'll croak.

Boy, this party stinks!

Hey. Shh.

Well, maybe we
should do something

to help pick it up, huh?

I got an idea.

Listen, why don't you
go back to my office?

Uh, top drawer of my desk,
you'll find 2 tassels and a g-string.

I'll hum night train, and you...

No. Come on. That might work.

[Humming a fanfare]

Let the games begin!

Holy...

Well, you all got
the date right,

so I know you can read.

You, how come
you're not in a toga?

I was afraid everyone
else was gonna chicken out,

and I'd be the only one,

look like a ridiculous fool.

Good point.

Jensen. Nice suit.

Hello there.

Why did I volunteer?

I'm a dead man.

Sammy, you got somebody

lying in state in the back room?

Nobody's moved for
an hour and a half.

Hey, normie, I like it.

You look like the
pillsbury dough monster.

How come you're late?

I had car trouble.

You try flagging down
help dressed like this.

Where's your wife?
Why isn't she at the party?

She didn't hear about it.

This is the worst party yet.

Thanks loads for
the toga idea, Diane.

Well...

Norman, all you need
is a little icebreaker.

Let me help.

Ok, everybody.

Um... how about a round

of that always enjoyable
game charades, huh?

I'll start off.

Um...

Movie title.

Four words.

First word.

My.

Sounds like eye.

I'll give you the first
one to get you going.

Ok. Second word.

What am I doing here?

Eating huh? Doesn't this
look like eating and drinking?

When do we eat and drink?

Dinner. My dinner.

Third word.

What is this?
It's little, isn't it?

It's a little word.

"W." begins with a
"w." Little word, begins...

With. My dinner with...

My dinner with Julius la Rosa!

That's it.

Ok! Ogden, Utah!

Eight-zero-one!

[Telephone rings]

Hold it down,
everybody! It's the phone!

[Drummer plays]

I feel it! I feel that beat!

Get up off your seat
and on your feet.

It's... limbo time!

[Limbo music plays]

Come on, everybody!

Hey, come on now!

Come on. Last year, you
ate a pig with your fists!

What's going on here?

Come on!

Hey!

Pack of nerds.

Oh, norm, norm.

That was a message for you.

Somebody named ruta
can't make it tonight.

Oh, no. Ruta's the girl

I had coming to
entertain the big boss.

This can't be happening.

First I throw the worst party

in the history of mankind.

Now I got no date
for the big boss.

You mean, you got to set
your boss up with a woman?

Yeah. It's one of the
party director's duties.

Why don't you ask
one of the women here,

or does your boss
like live things?

Carla, do you suppose...

Oh, no, no, no, norm.
Don't look at me.

I got four kids,

and I sure ain't
looking for any more.

I didn't say to have
sex with the guy.

It doesn't matter.

I'm what you call
a fast breeder.

A man winks at me,
I'm three months along.

I need a woman!

Does, uh... Anybody
need anything?

Hallelujah!

[Band playing havah nagila]

All right. Let me see
if I've got this straight.

You want me to... Entertain
a man I've never met.

All I'm asking you to do is
just pour the guy a few drinks

and chat with him.

You don't have to go
home with him or anything.

Although, if you do, I'll drive.

I'm kidding I'm joking
around, Diane. Come on.

Norman, I'm going to
walk away from here

and pretend that you
never asked me to do this.

Hey, Diane, this could work
out for you, too, you know?

You might like this guy.

He's intelligent. He's educated.

He went to Harvard
business school.

Sam.

It's true. I can't believe
that your job depends

on you finding some
woman for this guy.

That's right.

What you're doing is
demeaning and dehumanizing,

not just to me but to yourself.

I get it. You think
I'm a kissy, right?

It's easy for you two to talk.

Diane's attractive.
She's got brains.

Sammy, hey... good-looking
guy, baseball star.

I've got nothing.

My only hope in life is to find
somebody who's got something

and try to make them like me.

Norm.

Yes, yes. So long as
there are boots to be licked,

apples to be polished,

and fannies to be
kissed, I'll be there.

First time I ever saw a man

strut and grovel
at the same time.

Hey, you know...

Norm is kind of in
a jam here tonight.

Now you want me to do this.

It wouldn't be so bad, would it?

You are. You're asking
me to do this, aren't you?

What's the big deal?

You sit down,
probably some old guy,

you have a couple of
drinks, he'll fall asleep.

Hello, Mr. Sawyer, sir. Welcome.

Well, Norman's a friend.

I guess I could give the old
geezer a couple minutes of my time.

Sir, we are all terribly
honored and thrilled

that you could make it here.

I like your sheet.

This old thing?

Come on, sir. Why don't
you just come on down here,

and I'll show you a seat.

Why don't you let
me do that, Norman?

I know the place.

I'll never forget this, Diane.

Mr. Sawyer, Diane
chambers, friend of mine.

Nice to meet you, Diane.

Nice to meet you.

Why don't you
two sit right here?

You...

Well, what would
you like to drink?

Uh... scotch rocks.

Um...

Barkeep.

A little service, please.

Mr. Sawyer will
have scotch rocks.

And, um... hmm. Let's see.
What am I in the mood for?

How about a good beating?

Perhaps a vermouth cassis.

Fine. If you need
anything else tonight,

please just snap your fingers...

In several places.

I guess working in a
bar makes you grumpy.

[Drum roll]

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

We're Eddie barnett
and the Eddie barnetters.

Ok, it's request
time. Shout them out.

Chicago?

One of Eddie's favorites.

Chicago.

Norm, this band is the worst.

I don't understand it. They
sounded so good over the phone.

So you're an art student?

I really always
wanted to be a painter.

I must tell you,

it is so refreshing to
meet someone like you.

Yeah?

Yes. Someone in
business who enjoys

the finer things.

Here you go. One for you.

One for your lady
of the evening.

Here's to a sparkling
conversationalist.

Oh, thank you.

I'd normally ask you to go out

and find some place
to talk through the night,

but I don't think we'd find
any place as quiet as this.

Something wrong with your drink?

Yes, it's a little watered down.

Here. Let me take it back.

No, no, no, no. That's all
right. I know the bartender.

I'll take care of it.
Yes. I'll be right back.

Do you have a
problem, Mr. Malone?

Listen. I know
you're a light drinker,

and I didn't want you to
get carried away tonight

and do something
you might regret.

You're not at all bothered that
I'm spending time with herb?

Herb?

No, no. None of
my business, really.

Looks a little seamy,

but seaminess has it's place.

Well, a moment ago
you were encouraging it.

A moment ago, the
guy was 85 years old.

Oh, I see.

An old man is fine,

but one whose kidneys
are still functioning is taboo.

Look. Look, look.

Like I said, it's
none of my business,

but this guy
expects you to be his

for the evening,
the whole evening.

You know what I mean?

Sam, we are having a
harmless conversation about art.

Do you know what I think? What?

I think you're a little
bothered by the fact

that he's so good-looking.

That's what you
consider good-looking?

The guy's got padded shoulders,

and I bet that's not
even his real lips.

He's gorgeous, and
it's driving you crazy.

No, it's not.

Yeah. It's killing
you there's another

attractive man in your bar,

another rooster
in your hen house.

The day goes so
much easier for me

now that we've got those little
cup 'o soups in the office, sir.

If that was your idea,
Mr. Sawyer, you are a genius.

Norm, how about
I buy you a drink?

Well, thank you.

Why don't you just set
sail for the bar over there

and have yourself a good time?

That's wonderful, sir.

Diane, there's a pool
table in the back room.

How about a game?

Ok. I've never played before,

but why should
that stop us, huh?

Right.

Thank you for that
conversation, sir.

I know I'm the better for it.

Hi, there.

Hello.

That is a good-looking guy.

Uh-oh. I felt something kick.

Well, now you know why
I never go to these things.

Must be kind of strange getting
that reaction from people, huh?

I like to think it's the money
and position and not me.

Oh, I can assure
you, it's not you.

I think Sawyer likes Diane.

I'm on my way, big guy.

Norm, you know, you're
really sickening tonight?

Yeah, I know, Sam.

I'm not proud of myself,
but then I never am.

Ahem!

Yeah.

Well, Simon says is my game.

I'm great at that.

Well, maybe I can
help you out here.

I think I can teach you to
play in a couple of minutes.

Oh, all right.

Why don't you just put
your left hand down like that.

Yeah.

Grab the end with
the other hand.

I'm not in the way here, am I?

Diane, you smell
wonderful. What is it?

Thank you. Dandruff shampoo.

I like it.

I don't flake for hours.

Oh, herb, wait a minute.

Diane, you're beautiful.

Well, I don't really believe
in mauling on the first date.

I didn't come down here
for the band, you know?

Look. I thought we were
having a nice conversation.

We were. That part's over.

How is everything
back here? Whoops!

Uh, Norman!

He'll stop in a minute, Diane.

No. Really, Norman. It's...

Mr. Sawyer...

Get lost, norm.

Fine, sir.

Look, look. This is not
my idea of romance.

Come on, Diane.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Mr. Sawyer, come on!

Norm, this is a big mistake!

I'm sorry, sir. I
know, sir. I'm sorry.

Nice Cologne, sir.
Excellent Cologne.

You're crazy!

You set me up with this
girl, and then you do this?

There's no room in my
company for unstable people!

You clean out your
desk tonight! You're fired!

Yeah, I figured.

Norman, I'm real
sorry you lost your job.

That's exactly what
I was trying to avoid.

No. That's all right.

What was that all about?

Your boss stormed out of here.

He's not my boss anymore.

What?

He was all over Diane.

I had to get rough with him.

I want a beer.

You ok?

Yes.

Well, go ahead. Gloat.

Listen, believe it or not,

I'm, uh... I'm really
sorry this happened.

I know you must be feeling
hurt and angry right now.

No. No, I'm not
feeling hurt and angry.

I brought this on myself.

Actually, I'm feeling kind of...

Cheap?

All right, yes.

I feel cheap.

I saw an attractive
person with a little glamour,

and I wanted to
meet him so badly

that I pushed everything
aside and threw myself at him,

totally sacrificing my
dignity and my pride.

What's wrong with that?

I do that all the time.

Ugh!

For one terrible moment,

I actually saw myself
through his eyes.

I saw nothing but
a cheap harlot.

Aw, come on.

We all know that
you'd starve to death

before you made a
living with your body.

Thanks, Sam.

You're welcome, Diane.

So he fired you, huh, norm?

He fired me, coach.

You know something?

I may not have a job,

I may not have a future,

I may not have anything
except this sheet on my back...

But you know something?

I feel terrible.

Gee, I'm sorry, norm.

I got it.

Hey, did you
really hit the boss?

No. Just shoved
him around a little bit.

Hey, everybody! It's true!

Norman just
punched out the boss!

I just pushed him around.

Way to go, Peterson!

All right, Norman!

Yay, Norman, our hero!

[Band playing for
he's a jolly good fellow]