Cheers (1982–1993): Season 1, Episode 6 - Any Friend of Diane's - full transcript

One of Diane's old college friends comes to the bar. She is vulnerable and looking for a man to give her an afternoon of unbridled passion, and Sam predictably jumps at the opportunity.

[Telephone rings]

Cliff, answer that
for me, will you?

You betcha, coach.



Carla? Yeah.

Carla! It's for you!

Sounds like
trouble with the kids.

I'm not here!


Aw, give it to
me. Give it to me.

What is it?

Seraphina's where?

Well, cut her down!

I don't care if it helps
the TV reception!

Cut her down!

And if I got home and find
you've flushed the car keys again,

you've had it!

And by the way, any
more problems tonight,

and you're adopted.

Your real mother is...

Doris slobotkin, 555-8921.

You think that's going to work?

chance, but I got to take it.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪♪


Hello, everyone.

Hi, Diane. Hey! Hi.

♪ La da da da ♪♪

sounds like you had
a pretty nice day off.

It was so nice,

I don't know if I'm
ready to talk about it yet.

However, if you insist.

I went out with David from
the anthropology department.

He took me up to New Hampshire.

We walked in the woods.
We communed with nature.

We stayed at a little inn
where John Adams slept.

Yeah, lots of guys sign
the register that way.

Well, now I know why I
didn't want to talk about it.

You know, I had a
pretty nice day off myself.

Taffy and I went sailing
up at marblehead.


Sailing? You?

You, uh, got a
problem with that?

Oh, no, no.

It's just that I thought
your idea of romance

was brunch and a cock fight.

I love sailing.

After seeing ordinary people,

I've been trying to get
my kids interested in it.

Oh, come on.


Good afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Oh! Norm!

How's life treating you, norm?

Like he caught me
in bed with his wife.

How about a beer, norm?


Sammy, I'm gonna bring
some company in this afternoon.

Who you bringing in, norm?

My new superior.

Got to butter him up
a little bit, you know?

I figured I'd bring
him in for a drink,

maybe catch some
dinner upstairs.

Why don't you take
him to your house?

My wife lives there.


One thing, you guys...

You don't know me in here, o.K.?


I don't want him
to think I'm a barfly.


Don't call me norm, all right?

Gotcha, norm.

Diane, would you get some
singles up at melville's?

Aye, aye, skipper.

Coach, I'll be right back.

I'm going to get some wine.

Pardon me.

Oh, hi.

I'm looking for a
Diane chambers.

You're in luck. We
got a Diane chambers.

I beg your pardon?

I hope you only want one.

Do you sense, as I do,

that this conversation
is an exercise in futility?

Thank you very much.

My name is Ernie pantusso,

but you can call me coach.

Rebecca prout.

Hi, Becky.

Diane and I shared
a suite at bennington.

No kidding.

Sam and I shared a
chunky bar in Cleveland.

Where is Diane chambers?

Oh, Diane. She's upstairs.
She'll be down in a minute.

I'll just sit at a
table and wait.


Thanks for your help.

You're welcome. Any time.




Well, what a wonderful
coincidence, huh?

I... I never come
into a place like this.

I-I'm doing research
for a paper...

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

What the hell's going on here?

Oh, a serving girl.

Uh... would you bring
us a bottle of wine?

Only if I can spit in it.

Diane, it's all right.

I know that you work here.

All right. How did you find out?

I called your mother.

She took her head
out of the oven

long enough to fill me in.

Oh, god, I've missed you.


I'll never forget those
long afternoons in the quad,

drinking champagne,

eating brioche with
strawberry preserves.


Reading and talking schopenauer.

Yeah, well...
Enough schope talk.

That's the beauty about
being a mailman, norm.

I don't have to play

with my superiors
the way you do.

Cliff, believe me, it's
worth it for accounting.

I love numbers.

God help me, I love them.

Cliff: Now, me...

I like the challenges...

Dogs, vicious kids,

those hard-to-find mailboxes.

You think accounting's
boring, right?

I miss one digit,

a whole company
goes in the toilet.

I'll tell you, when it all
makes sense is mother's day...

Delivering a card
to some old hag.

Watching her eyes mist up.

Kind of gets me right behind the
old ballpoint. Know what I mean?

You want to talk
sentimental, pal?

You take that same old crone,

save her a couple hundred
bucks on the short form.

Then I know why the
big guy put me here.

I actually get
paid to stand here

and listen to
great conversation.

[Speaking French]

Rebecca, there's
something wrong.

Oh, you could always see
through my facade of gaiety.

Elliot and I have parted.

Oh, Rebecca, no.

You and Elliot?

You were... Together forever.

I know.

It all began when Elliot got

his doctorate in ichthyology.

His eye began to wander,
and the first thing I knew,

he'd taken up with
a young student

on a squid expedition.

A doctorate changes a man.

But there will be others, right?

And in the meantime,
you still have your work.

Oh, you think so?

I used to find enormous comfort

translating Russian poetry.

I know. But no more.

Even when I went
back over my favorite,

karashnakov's another
Christmas of agony,

it failed to soothe me.

"Misha the dog
lies dead in the bog.

"The children cry
over the carcass.

"The mist chokes my heart,

"covers the mourners.

At least, this year we eat."

Well, if that
didn't pick you up,

I'm at a virtual loss.

What I need is to blot
out Elliot's memory.

That's exactly
what you should do.

I'm looking for a man.


Diane, I've been thinking
about this very carefully.

And I think what I need is
something I've never had before...

An evening of unbridled
bestial pleasure.

I want to burn at
the stake of passion.

Rebecca, you're very
vulnerable right now.

Please don't do
anything foolish.

I've never done
anything foolish in my life.

And it's high time I did.

Now, the man I'm looking
for should be peasant stock...

Tall, dark, strong, hairy arms.

But most important, he
should be unintellectual.

One-word sentences.

Do you know anyone like that?



Diane, did you
get the small bills?

Oh, yeah. Right. Excuse me.

Here you go, coach.

I need a 10 in silver, honey.

Would you get it for me, please?

O.k., coach. Thank you.

I'll be right back.
You just sit very still.

Sip your wine... Slowly.


Hi there.

Hi there.

Come here often?

Yeah, just about
every day. I work here.


I couldn't help
noticing your arms.

Yeah. I get lots of
comments on these.

They go all the way
down to my hands.

What's your name?

Uh... sam! Change.

Why? I like myself this way.

Carla: Hey, Sammy!

Two bourbons, straight.

Diane! It's him!


I want him!

Who, the gay guy
with the war wound?

You can't fool me.

He's exactly what
I'm looking for.

You're not interested
in him yourself, are you?

No. Of course not.

Then I'm going for him
before I lose my nerve.


That woman over there
is a dear friend of mine.

She is going through
a very difficult period,

so whatever she asks you,

please, just say no.





Would you excuse us a moment?


Would you object to
joining me in my hotel room

for an afternoon of
wild, animal passion?


What's your name?

Does it matter?


Diane, Sam's not back yet.

So? Who cares?

I would if he took
off with my friend

for two hours.

One hour...

And 53 minutes.

Sam always did like day games.

What do you say, Mr. Stabell?
This looks like a good place.

Norm... uh...

♪ nor nor nor-nor-nor ♪

♪ nor-nor nor-nor nor-nor ♪♪

what you going
to have, strangers?

Uh, let me get
this, Mr. Stabell.

I think I'll have
a, uh... Perrier.


Give me a beer.


Wait a minute... a beer.

Sounds like a refreshing change.

I think I'll have a beer.


Listen... promise you'll hold me

to one beer tonight.

One at a time?

For the whole night.

The whole night? Yeah.

Thank you.

Here we go.

Two tankards
of their finest ale.


Let's talk!

Hey, Sammy!


Coach: Hi, Sam!

Diane, Sam's here.


I'm going to be in
my office back here.

Well, hey.

Nothing going on here, huh?


I think I'm going
to stretch my legs,

get a little
exercise, fresh air.

You've got to take it easy.

I have no respect

for a man who
can't control himself

when it comes to drinking.

Yeah. Me neither.

How could you do that
to that poor woman?

Do what?

"Do what?" Thank
you, Mr. Quickpants.

Rebecca is a very
vulnerable person

coming off a
shattered relationship.

How could you go off with her?

She said, "would you mind?"

"Would you mind?"

Those three words
are all that separate you

from a rutting pig.

That and my aftershave.

How dare you try to be
funny when I hate you!

Come on, what's
the big deal here?

We're all adults, aren't we?


Contrary to your assumption,

I am not a prude.

I have a very healthy
attitude toward...

You know.

Answer me one question.

Are you proud of
what you did today?

I don't kiss and tell.

Oh. The pig develops scruples.

Hey, come on. Look.
I'm just kidding you.

Nothing happened, all right?

And he compounds it by lying.

No, no lie. I swear,
nothing happened.

You mean, Rebecca
came to her senses?

No. No, I... I stopped it.

Oh, I get it.

You got angry because
she considered you

nothing but a stud service.

No. I liked that.

The problem was that
I couldn't shut her up.

No offense, but your
friend is very boring.

She's depressing,
and she's long-winded.

I mean, those dismal
Russian poems.

I mean, they don't even rhyme.

After listening to
two hours' worth

of frostbite and famine,

I decided to get my
balalaikas out of there.

You turned a woman down?


Here I am, all primed for
a wonderful afternoon...

You can't admit
the truth, can you?

All right, what? What?

What is the truth?

Decency finally won out!

You did the right
thing. You were noble.

No. No. I was bored.

Unconsciously, you were
sensitive to her suffering.

And you didn't want to
take advantage of that.

You think so?


Sam Malone, you're a better man

than you're willing to admit.

Yeah, well...
Maybe you're right.

Maybe I am kind of
turning into a sensitive guy.

Maybe I'll never look
at another woman again

and see her as
a... Mere sex object.

No, uh... Scratch that thought.

It was my favorite audit.


It nearly cost my marriage,

but it was worth it.

Hey. Got to go for the gusto.

I like your enthusiasm, norm.

You're a workhorse.


You know, I'm having
one heck of a time.

I don't usually do this, but...

Let's have another.

Coach, two more beers.

Can't do it, norm.

No. It's ok now. Really.

Norm, I'm not letting you
down. You said one beer.

All right. All right.

One beer for my friend.

Oh, that's different.

He'll have a pitcher.


I've come to say goodbye...


Oh, Rebecca, what's wrong?

I'm not attractive to men.


First, Elliot. Now

Rebecca, I'm sorry.

Do you have to believe
in god to be a nun?

It helps.

What did Sam do to you?

Who's Sam?

The, uh... The bartender.

Oh. Nothing.

That's the problem.

Oh, Diane, he
found me repulsive!

No, no, Rebecca.

This must be a misunderstanding.

He climbed out the window.

I'm going back
there to talk to Sam.

He must know that
he's hurt you this way.

I originally wanted
to be a dancer, norm.

You're a pig.

I haven't moved. How
did I get back to pig?

You have ruined a human being.



She's sitting out there now.

Mother Russia? I'm not here.

Sam! She's crushed.

I've never seen this
woman so depressed.

And, believe me, I have
seen the woman depressed.

I believe you.

Well... you have
to do something.

She is seriously upset, and it's
your fault for the way you rejected her.

Wait. Wait. Where are you going?

I'm going to bring her in.

No, no. Come on. Just
give me a minute to, uh,

build a window or something.

We're going to
restore her confidence.

What am I going to say?

Just tell her that the
reason you rejected her

wasn't because you
found her unattractive.

What was the reason?

I don't know.

Well, tell her that you
belong to someone else,

that you lost your
head for a moment.

You're an uncaring worm.

Stabell: I was laughed at
by the other boys, norm...

Rebecca, may I speak to you
in here for a moment, please?

But don't they always
laugh at the graceful fellows?

Hello, Rebecca.

Hello, uh... Again.

Uh... when I left the hotel,

I may have given you
the wrong impression.

I thought there was a fire.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Rebecca, I might not have
been totally fair with you.

The reason I left was

I'm kind of seeing
another person.

I was afraid this
was going to happen.

You're making excuses
to spare my feelings.

No, no, no. This is true.

I really am seeing
somebody else. Please.

Rebecca, you are a
very desirable woman.

He does happen to be going
with somebody, that's all...


You? You?

We can tell it now.

Yes. Today we had a tiff

right before you came
in, and Sam used you

to make me jealous.

And then when
push came to shove,

he finally remembered

what a wonderful thing
that we have together.

Isn't that right... Sweetheart?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

You betcha.

Yes. Sam and I are deeply
and passionately in love.

I can't believe it.

You two?

It's incredible.

I'd never have put
you two together.

Well, I know it does

test the limits of human logic.

But, like you, I
was growing bored

with bright, articulate men.

You were, huh?

Sure. I was looking for
meat and potatoes, and...

Sam here, the old side
of beef, really fit the bill.

I was getting kind of bored

with beautiful, sexy,
sensuous women.

I decided to go for pleasant.



Believe it or not,

I actually prefer a man
who's thick and ordinary.

I guess I'm kind
of old-fashioned.

I like a woman who does
what her man tells her.

Oh, lookie there.
My shoe's undone.

Will you get that for me, honey?

What, darling?

Would you tie my
shoesie-woosie for me?

She loves doing these
little things for me.

That's a little
tight there, honey.

How's that, sweetheart?

Well, that's... that's
much better. Thank you.


All of a sudden

I feel like I'm intruding.

I can see that there's
such emotion in this room.

Thank you for everything, Diane.

Oh, Rebecca, thank you.

It was wonderful
to see you again.

I'll write you.

Oh, good. Things will work out.

Au revoir.


Let go. Oh! Let go of me!

You get your hand
out of... just get...

That's the kind of passion

I was hoping I'd find.

You'll find it, Rebecca.