Cheers (1982–1993): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Coach's Daughter - full transcript

Coach is distressed when his sweet but insecure daughter introduces him to her boorish, obnoxious fiancé.

Oh, Sam, when
you were in the back,

one of your women called,

and she said to tell you

that you're a lying
piece of garbage

and she never wants
to see you again.

She leave her name?

No, but she did tell me
to add one more thing.

Oh, yeah? What's that?


Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's Patty.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

Your move, Sammy.

Sam, I'll only ask this once.

Now, if you say no, it's no,

but I would love to
start doing caricatures

of the customers here.

Caricature is a
satirical form of art

that the common man loves,

and I think it would just
be a wonderful memento

of our customers' visits here.


And my art instructor said

he said I'm an original

and this would be an
invaluable experience.


And I'd only do it
during the slow periods.

So it really wouldn't interfere
with my waiting tables.


So what do you say? Can I do it?


We'll talk about it later.


No. We won't talk
about this later.

I don't want you to
do that stuff in here.

I'm going to do it anyway.

Well, at least she
cleared it with me first.

Here you go, Carla.

A gin Collins, vodka Collins.

Thanks, coach.
Which one's which?

The gin Collins is in Larry,

and the vodka
Collins is in Steve.

Coach, what are
you talking about?

Larry and Steve.

You've named the glasses?

Well, how else would I
know which one is which?

I mean, look. For
instance, over here is Pete,

Glenn, Fred, al,

and not to offend the ladies,

we got Jeannie,
ginger, Gracie...

Coach! Coach.

How do you tell
which one is which?

Oh, it's very easy.

To me, they're all
completely different.

Except the Wilson brothers.

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm!

Diane: Norman.

Gentlemen, start your taps.

How's it going, norm?

Not so good.

Missed a digit in the
debit column today.

The boss is now using
my butt for an ashtray.

Norm, would you please watch
your language today, please?

Sure. What's the problem?

Lisa's coming over.

Hey. I didn't know that!

It'll be great to see her.

Who is Lisa?

That's the coach's daughter.

Or is it a Martini glass?

How's she doing, coach?

She's wonderful,
absolutely wonderful.

She's gonna introduce
me to her fiancé.

Oh! Oh!


You never told me
she was engaged.

She always told me that
she was married to her work.

Well, you know, like most
women, she wants both.

This is, uh, the 19 what, 80s?

Come here. Come here.


Are you all right?

Well, you see, Sam,
I never met the fellow,

and I'm just hoping we hit
it off with him, you know?

It's really been bugging
me and bugging me.

Hey, relax.

You're gonna do just fine.

Yeah. I guess I
do worry too much.

Since Lisa's mother died,

she's been my whole life.

Coach, coach, you
did a great job with Lisa.

Don't worry.

Thanks, Sam. Thanks.

Great guy, that Sam.

Why don't you name
a glass after him?

Excuse me. My name is Diane.

I'm the cheers caricaturist.

I couldn't help... I
couldn't help but notice

that you're very much
in love with this lady,

and I have a sketch for you.

Which one of us is that?

That's a pretty good caricature.

Norman, don't toy
with my emotions.

I'm serious.

Looks just like her, I think.

Oh, of course. Yes. Excuse me.

Hello. I'm Diane.

I'm the cheers caricaturist.

I have a drawing of you.

Oh, let me see.

Well, just a minute.
Do you have a hobby?

Horseback riding.

Oh, yeah. That is fun, isn't it?

[Humming the
William tell overture]

Now you may look.

This is me?


Why am I sitting on a lizard?



Oh, honey! It's so
good to see you.

Hey, everybody,
here's my daughter Lisa!

Hey! Hi! Hey!

Come here.

Hi, chum. How you doing?

Really good.

You look good.

Lisa, Diane. Diane, Lisa.

Very nice to meet you.

Thank you. You, also.

Oh, uh, where's...

Where's your, uh...
Fiancé? Where?

Roy will be right in.
He's parking the car.

So, uh, where did
you meet the guy?

Huh, huh?

We both work for
the same company.

He's our top salesman.

Good for you. That's great.

Hey, everybody,

this is my daughter's fiancé!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Coach: Let's hear it!

Hi, Roy.

Roy, this is Carla
and Diane and Sam.

And this is my father Ernie.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Feeling's ditto, Ernie.

Can I get you a nice cold beer?

Sure, pop.

Hey. Mind if I smoke?

Oh, uh, listen, cigar
smoke bothers me.

Yeah, I know it stinks,
but it tastes great.

So Lisa tells me you
and Sam were in baseball.

Yeah, that's right.

I think it's a dead sport.

They just haven't
claimed the body yet.

There's no action.

People need action these days.

What sport do you like, Roy?

Female full-contact karate.

Excuse me.

I have to go
jump-start my brain.

Look out for that one, Lisa.

She could steal my heart.

Hey, cliff, I smell
Chinese food.

Oh, it's a cigar.

So, uh, uh...

You're a salesman
with my daughter's firm?

Yeah. Talk about coincidence.

Lisa's my district manager,

has my fate in her hands.

I'm working Jersey now,

but I'm moving up
to Pennsylvania soon.

Huh, Lisa?

Well, I suppose something
could be arranged.

What do you sell?

I sell suits door-to-door.

Is this, uh, one
of the suits here?

You took the bait, Sam.

I did?

Hold this.

I'm wearing an
Omni suit right now,

and, man, am I comfortable.

The best part
is its versatility.

This comes with two coats,

three pairs of pants,

and five reversible vests.

This ensemble makes
120 combinations,

everything from
dignified to sporty.

Now if you owned
one of these suits, Sam,

you could go
straight from a funeral

to a night on the town

without even going home.

Well, I was trapped in just
that situation Tuesday night.

Roy, I think we're gonna be late

for our dinner
reservation upstairs.

Hey, Sam,

you and I... Happened.

I'll catch you later.

Let's go put on the feedbags.

We'll be back in a little while.

Daddy, come with us.

No, no. You go ahead, honey.

I got something to do.

I'll see you later.

All right. I'll see you later.

All right.

You know, I am
so glad that you two

finally got a chance to meet.


Hey, you get it?

We're going to
eat, and I said ciao.

Ciao! I'm telling
you, I'm a funny guy.

Sam, could you cover for
me for a couple of moments?

Sure, coach. Where
are you going?

To toss my lunch.

Hey, Chuck. How's
the job search going?

I got something, Sam,
but I'm not crazy about it.

I'm a janitor at a biology lab

where they do DNA experiments
making mutant viruses and stuff.

Sounds like pretty
good job to me.

I don't know. Makes
me a little nervous,

all that weird stuff
floating around.

Aw, hey. Don't worry about it.

Don't sweat it.

Oh, yeah. Of course. I
mean, they handle all that stuff.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Must be getting a
little paranoid, huh?

See you later.

Ok, Chuck.

I feel better already.



Take care, Chuck.


Sam, he used the phone.

The man's a pig.

I just had dinner with a pig.

He's even more disgusting
when he's around food.

That's hard to believe.

Hard to believe?
The last thing I saw,

he was pulling his chair

up to a dessert cart.

Coach, what are you
going to do about this?

I've given Lisa everything
she ever wanted.

What can I do?

You're gonna have to tell
her how you feel, coach.

I can no longer hold my tongue.

Want me to do it?

Coach, come here.

I'm a daughter myself, right?

Let me tell you
something about my father.

My father is a very
wise and learned man,

but he never gave
himself a chance

to really get to know
the boys I brought home.

He would decide
that he didn't like them

for no better reason than
one of them had bad posture,

or another one had facial hair.

I'll never forget the night

when I was foolish
enough to bring home

a utopian socialist.

Oh, my god!

Oh, no!

I know, it's unbelievable.

I was a rebel then.

Coach, the point
I'm trying to make

is that you mustn't
make the mistake

of judging Roy too quickly.

Now, call me crazy...

You are crazy. You are crazy.

Very funny.

What I'm struggling
to say here is,

call me a bleeding heart...

Bleeding heart. Bleeding heart.

Call me cute as a button.


Coach, I'm a humanist.

Now that means
that I have to believe

there's something fine and noble

about every human being.

And if we haven't found

what's fine and
noble about Roy yet,

it means that we haven't
looked deeply enough.

You're right.

I mean, Diane,
you're absolutely right.

Roy: Your mother!

Like no one ever knocked
over a dessert cart before.

Hey, how about a beer, huh?


Diane: Coach.

Look. You got to
talk to her, coach.

Coach, you have to
give Roy a chance.

No, you don't.

That's not a bad restaurant.

The dessert guy's a dink,

but the cuisine was real tasty.

Hey, but what am I
telling you, chubbs?

Where's Lisa?

She's still upstairs
settling the bill.

Are you saying

you had her pay for dinner?

They wouldn't take a
postdated four-party check.

If they're going
to be hard-nosed,

they should put up a sign.

You still say there's
something good in that?

There must be.

Roy, how about if you
and I chat over here?

Good idea.

Coach, will you excuse
us for a moment?

This suit's getting
to you, isn't it?


Your personality is very...



But I know that
that's not the real you.

You know, an
aggressive personality

is often a mask for a very
shy and sensitive soul.

And I'm willing to gamble
that you are just such a person.

You're not wearing
a bra, are you?

The man is pond scum.


Stop her!

Lock her in the
car if you have to,

but stop her.


I can't stop her. She wants him.

She wants him, Sam.

Hey. Sam, I haven't
forgotten about you.

How about I run out to the car
and get some cloth swatches.

No. I can be out there and back

before you can
scream no 700 times.

You better be quick.

"You better be quick."

Coach, coach, let
me talk to you here.

Do you remember a
doubleheader against Cleveland

on a hot August day, 1974?

Yeah, I remember
part of that. Yeah.

What part?

I remember hot.

Well, that's good. No. That's
good. That's a beginning.

Do you remember
I was on the mound

and Johnson had been
thrown out of the game

and you were filling
in as manager?

It was the last inning.

I had just walked
the bases loaded.

Gosh, who was up?
I don't remember.

Spikes. Charlie spikes.

That's it. Charlie spikes
was up, that's right.

Anyway, you came out
to the mound to talk to me

because I was in a jam.

I didn't have any
good stuff left.

I thought you were going
to yank me, but you didn't.

Instead, you said something

that I've never forgotten.

Do you remember what you said?

What did I say?

You said, "go get 'em."

I said that?

Yeah. Yeah.

And I got 'em, coach, I got 'em.

Well, I was glad to be
there, Sammy, to help out.

Well, I'm glad you
were there, too, coach.

'Cause if you
hadn't have said that,

my career may have ended
that day instead of when it did...

A couple of weeks later.

Sam, what the hell are we
talking about this now for?

Coach, go get 'em.

Hi, daddy. Get 'em.

Lisa, I want to talk
to you about Roy

here in Sam's office.


Go get 'em!

What a marvelously pithy phrase.

That's funny.
That's exactly what

our third baseman
said at the time.

I'm sorry, Lisa, but the
time has come for me

to put my foot in my
mouth and tell you

that you cannot marry this man.

I mean you absolutely,
positively cannot marry this man.

C'è UN còsa impossibile.

Daddy, I never heard
you talk like this before.

Well, now you have.

And I'll tell you something.

I don't like this guy Roy,

and I don't like Charlie spikes,

and you can't marry
either one of 'em.

Look, daddy, I'm not dumb.

I know Roy's abrasive.

I know he's insensitive.

And I know he's
probably only marrying me

so he can get the
Pennsylvania territory.

But why would you want
to marry a man like this?

Daddy, isn't it obvious to you?

Nothing's ever obvious to me.

Daddy, don't make me say this.

What... what?

I want to be married, and
I want to have children!

Roy is the first man that
ever asked me to marry him,

and I'm afraid he's
gonna be the last.

Oh, come on, honey, there
must've been dozens of young fellas

that proposed to you.

No, daddy.

Wake up.

Roy is the first one ever.

But you're so beautiful...


Daddy, you have been
saying that I'm beautiful

ever since I was
a very little girl,

but look at me!

Not as my father,

but like you're looking
at me for the first time,

and please try to
see me as I really am.

Oh, my god. I didn't realize

how much you look
like your mother.

I know.

I look exactly like her,

and mom was not...

Comfortable about her beauty.

But that's what made
her more beautiful.

Your mother grew more beautiful

every day of her life.

She was really beautiful?

Yes, and so are you.

You're the most beautiful kid

in the whole world.

Thanks, daddy.

Go ahead.

Come on, go
ahead. Try it, try it.

Man doesn't lie.
Stuff won't burn.

That's a drawback.


Hey. 'Bout time.

What were you
talking about in there?

We were talking about me, Roy.

My father thinks I'm beautiful.

Do you?


Hey, of course you're beautiful!

You're stylish,
you're contemporary,

and you travel well.

You just said that
about your suits.

Roy, I don't want to marry you.

I decided that I want a
man as good as my father.

Well, hold on here.

What about Pennsylvania?

Roy, you don't get Pennsylvania,

and you don't get me.

You just get more
and more obnoxious.

Hey, look. It's not
like this marriage

was going to change
my life or anything,

but I want you to know that if
I walk out that door right now,

I'm gone.

[Patrons applaud]


Did you hear what I said?

Is that what you want, Lisa?

That's what I want.

Well, then that's what you got.

Good-bye, baby.

Don't bother calling me,

'cause we're through.

This doesn't mean we
can't put you in a new suit.


Oh, you've made me so happy.

Oh, Cara Mia.

Care to capture this
moment in a caricature?

No. Tacky. Tacky.

Come on, let's celebrate.

I'll buy you some ice cream.

Hey, daddy, no. I'm just
not in the mood for ice cream.

I just lost my fiancé.

I mean, I know he wasn't
the greatest guy in the world,

but it's gonna take me
a while to get over it.

Rocky road?

You got it.

Sam, can we go?

Take off.

Hey, Sam...

I got him.

You got him, coach.

So long, everybody!

Be good, coach.

Bye-bye, Lisa.

Lisa made the right decision.

Forgive my
storybook mentality...

You're forgiven, Diane.

Ha ha ha!

Well, laugh if you will,

but I think every woman
has a Mr. Right in mind,

and it's a mistake to
settle for anyone less.

You have a Mr. Right
in mind, do you, Diane?

Well, I suppose I do.

Every woman does.

What's he like?

Oh, come on.

Come on, come on,
maybe I know the guy.

Maybe I know him real well.

Well, for one thing,

he would be very intelligent,

very well educated,

perhaps even overeducated,

if there is such a thing.

Not particularly athletic.

Perhaps even clumsy,
but charmingly so.


Blue-eyed, with a
Byron-like innocence.

Hey, no. I know this person.


You. You described
yourself perfectly.

I hope you'll be
very happy together.

I have had just about enough...

Don't throw that! That's herbie!

He's got a wife and
four little shot glasses.

I dare you!