Cheers (1982–1993): Season 1, Episode 4 - Sam at Eleven - full transcript
Sam is to be interviewed for a sports segment on the evening news. What he doesn't realize is that he was only chosen because all the big-name players weren't available.
Hey, coach. How about a beer?
Forget it, Harry.
Sam says I can't
serve you anymore.
You're a flimflammer.
No, no. It ain't for me.
I'm expecting a friend.
A friend?
Yeah, yeah. He asked
me to order it for him.
He did! He did!
In fact, he wrote it down.
Uh, "one beer."
Wait a minute.
Wait one minute!
One minute, Harry!
Let me see that.
Yeah. "One beer."
Sorry. I just had to make sure.
That's o.K.
That'll be one buck.
A buck. Let's see, uh...
Gosh, I thought I had a dollar.
I got a 10. You got change?
Absolutely.
Here you go, a
five and four ones.
Oh, look at this. I
have a buck after all.
Listen, I don't need
the change, coach.
Why don't you give
me my 10 back?
Right. O.K.
Right.
Here you go.
No. Coach, I don't want to
carry around all these bills.
Listen, give me a 20 for the
whole thing. What do you say?
You got it.
Nobody move!
Aw, come on, coach. Don't
you see what he's doing?
I mean, he's
shortchanging you again.
Oh, no, no, Sam. He's outsmarted
me before, but not this time.
No way. Believe me.
Coach, how much
money are you giving him?
20 bucks.
How much has he given you?
Oh, darn you, Harry.
Sam, I'm just trying
to keep in practice.
Coach, I'll tell you what.
I'll give you a $30 bill.
We'll call it even, ok?
What do you think, Sam?
There's no such thing
as a $30 bill, coach.
You want to bet?
Get out of my bar, Harry.
Come on, now. Scoot.
Wait a minute. You
owe me 10 bucks.
What is this... a clip joint?
I'm sorry. Here. No go on.
You know, Sam, you've
got the wrong idea about me.
No, I don't. Now, Harry,
you've got 10 seconds
to get out of my bar.
And give me back
my watch, Harry.
I'm just trying to
help you guys out.
I mean, if you want
to upgrade a little bit...
Out!
I'm out. I'm out.
♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Afternoon, everybody.
Hey, norm! Norm!
Give me a beer, will you?
How's life treating you, norm?
Like I just ran over its dog.
You're a little late,
norm. How come?
Vera dragged me
down to the mortuary.
Had to arrange for our funeral.
You thinking about dying, norm?
Don't have any
dates circled yet,
but you know Vera.
She likes to plan ahead.
Yeah. We're going
to get cremated.
No kidding. What are you
going to do with the ashes?
I wanted to throw them
in her mother's face, but...
I think we're going to
have them scattered
over the adirondacks.
Hello, everyone!
Hi, Diane. Hi, Diane.
I'm sorry I'm late,
but you'll be delighted
when you hear why.
We were just delighted
that you were late.
I had the most fabulous
after-class discussion
with my art history professor.
Yeah. I now feel unequivocally
I have a full grasp
of impressionism.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Do kirk Douglas.
Sam, I am sorry I was late.
Is there anything I can
do to make it up to you?
Yeah. Yeah, but you wouldn't.
[Telephone rings]
Cheers.
Uh, yeah. Coach,
your friend Walt.
Ooh, Walt. Walt.
Walt, my god, it's so
good to hear from you.
Ooh, I'm so glad the
operation's over, Walt.
Listen, I didn't want to say
anything beforehand, Walt,
but, you know, I didn't think
your chances going in there
were too good.
Oh, it's tomorrow?
Listen, don't worry
about it, Walt.
You'll fly right through
it. It's a piece of cake.
Oh.
Hello, everybody.
Dave!
Oh! The famous sportscaster!
Hi, coach!
Right on, man!
Hey, Dave, we watch you
here on the news every night.
You do the best
sports report in town.
Well, well, what
do we have here?
Hi. Dave Richards.
I'm an old teammate of Sam's.
Oh. Diane chambers.
I'm Sam's new waitress.
Does Sam have his
brand on you yet?
Hardly.
Oh, well, good. Then
you're in for a lucky day.
Not only am I
incredibly good-looking,
I'm also incredibly
rich and incredibly nice.
And incredibly married.
I am sorry to hear that.
You are?
Yes. I was hoping to reject you
based solely on
your personality.
Too skinny.
Can I have coach buy you a beer?
No, Sam. I'm here on business.
Yeah. I noticed.
How would you like
to be my interview
on the 6:00 news tonight?
Hey, that's terrific, Sam!
You want to interview me?
I haven't been in
baseball for years.
Hey, I understand perfectly.
You are one of
the best relievers
the Red Sox ever had.
Carla's right.
You're still a big
name in this town, Sam.
We could do the interview
right here in the bar.
You couldn't ask for
more than that, Sam.
And besides, you owe me a favor.
I do?
Yeah. Remember that
night in Chicago in 1973?
Those two young...
Dollars I borrowed? Oh, yeah.
Two young dollars?
Yeah. I hate it when
they're wrinkled.
Look, I'm out of practice.
It's been years since
I did an interview.
Hey, come on, Sam.
It's good advertising.
It would help business.
Right, Carla, and
we can all be on TV.
I'd like to see myself on TV.
No, you wouldn't.
Trust me. Trust me on that.
Come on, Sam. I
haven't got all day.
Yeah. Come on! Come on!
Do it!
Sam, everybody in this bar
wants you to do the interview.
Almost everybody.
What do you mean?
Oh, never mind.
Will you excuse
me for just a minute?
Diane, can I talk to you in
the back room for a minute?
Certainly.
Thank you.
I'll be right back.
I just have to
discipline an employee.
Oh, could I watch?
No.
O.k., what's the problem?
What makes you
think I have a problem?
Because you've got that
"Sam is a chowderhead,
"and he wouldn't understand
"if I drew him a picture" look.
Oh. I do get that sometimes.
Yeah.
Sam, the fact of the matter is
that you are an ex-jock strap...
Ex-jock.
That's ex-jock.
How many times do
I got to tell you that?
Well, what is the
origin of the word jock?
I... from the French Jacques.
Sam, those where-are-they-now
interviews on TV...
Yeah.
They're depressing.
You know, anytime
you put a "former"
in front of someone's name,
even the most attractive,
bright, successful guy...
Excuse me. Excuse
me. Attractive?
Yeah. Even then, you know...
I didn't know you
thought I was attractive.
Well, you know,
when the light strikes
you in a certain way
and your hair's
combed just right
and I'm standing back a ways,
you're, uh...
You're sometimes
somewhat unrepugnant.
Yeah. That's what women call me,
tall, dark, and unrepugnant.
The point I am
laboring to make here
is that whenever I
see an old athlete
trying to relive his
glory days on TV,
I can't help but
feel sorry for him.
And I don't want
to feel sorry for you.
Wait a minute.
Feel sorry for me?
Hey, look, I resent that.
You don't have to
feel sorry for me.
You know who you
should feel sorry for?
I'll tell you who you
should feel sorry for.
You should feel sorry
for the flintstones.
I beg your pardon?
Yeah. They're
opposite the 6:00 news,
and when everybody finds
out that mayday Malone is on,
bedrock is gonna be
a very lonely little town.
Martina navra... um...
No. Marytina navra...
Mamajama. No.
Um, martina...
Hey, Dave. Let's do it.
All right!
That's great, Sam.
Give me 20 minutes, and
I'll bring the crew right back.
You got it. That'll give
me just enough time
to slip into my
shawl and blanket.
Hey, Dave. This is
a really good idea.
Yeah. It's pretty
good, isn't it?
Yeah. About time you
got around to mayday.
Actually, I'm really
kind of excited
that he agreed to
do the interview.
You know, John mcenroe
canceled out on me.
So Sam was your second choice?
No. Gerry cheevers is
out of town with his horses.
Third?
M.l. Carr has laryngitis.
Fourth?
Jim rice is out of town,
and Robert parish was last week,
and Becky bannerman, the
junior high school gymnast,
is on a field trip.
But Sam was the first
retired guy you thought of.
No. Well...
I said Sam was
the first retired guy
you thought of.
The very first.
He's honored.
The celtics got it
going pretty good, eh?
Huh?
I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.
I'm practicing my
floating coin trick.
Pardon me?
Oh, it's just... Just a
little something I do.
So, what, it's a
rigged-up coin, huh?
No. It's just a half dollar.
Take a look.
Must be a trick or
something, huh?
Strings and wires.
No wires. No strings.
I just take the coin, I hold
it in the air about like that,
and I let go of it real careful,
and it just stays there.
It floats.
It hangs there.
Hey, what am I, a goof?
There's no way you can make
a coin hang in the air. No way.
5 bucks if I can't?
10! 10 bucks!
Wait a minute. Am I
being hustled here?
You are gonna give me
10 bucks if I cannot do it?
You're onsville, pal. Come on.
I couldn't do it.
No, you couldn't.
I don't know what happened.
I'll tell you what happened.
You just got stuck
with 10 bucks.
Coach!
Coach! Who is this clown?
What clown?
Harry!
Harry, please!
Harry.
Sam, I'm going. I'm going.
I was just playing, ok?
But whoever owns the Honda,
thanks for the lift.
He take you for anything, norm?
What did you say, coach?
I didn't hear you.
I'm practicing suspending
this coin in midair.
Oh.
Uh, here. Look.
No, Carla. I'm fine.
All right. You know,
he's going to ask you
what's your greatest
memory in baseball.
And I'll tell you what it is.
It's got to be that
double-header
against the orioles in '72.
He saved both games
with seven pitches.
Seven pitches.
Coach: Wait a minute!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You want to talk
about excitement, huh?
Sam, tell him about
opening day in New York.
You come out of the
bullpen in the seventh.
The bases are
loaded with pinstripes,
Bobby Mercer's at the plate.
He hit a 400-foot
homerun off me, coach.
My god, it was the most
exciting thing I ever saw!
Coach, this is Sam's interview.
Why would he
want to talk about something
bad happening to him?
You're right, Carla. I
don't know what it is.
You know, sometimes I just
think of the smartest thing to say,
and then it comes out so stupid.
That doesn't make any sense.
You should have
heard it before I said it.
Everybody ready?
Yeah.
Well, mayday,
knock 'em dead.
Thanks.
You ready, Sammy?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I am.
Dave, listen, I'd like to
do this, if you don't mind.
Yeah.
First we can talk about whatever
my greatest thrill
in sports was.
Then I want to talk about
my triumph over alcoholism.
Good. Very good.
Yeah. It could be powerful.
Very powerful.
Then we could talk about
cheers, what I'm doing now.
And if you have
any time left over,
we can talk about what I'd do
about the crisis in the mideast.
Yeah, the cubs got that thing
by 3 1/2 games, don't they?
Should be a stimulating evening.
Ready, Dave.
O.k. A little bit more
to the left, guys.
Roll tape.
Rolling. Action.
I'm standing here in a popular
Boston watering
hole called cheers.
What's wrong with his voice?
Come on, Diane.
This is television.
Cut the tape.
Come on, Sam!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I mean, really. I've
got to start over now!
You'll be all right.
Gee whiz.
Roll it, Ernie.
Rolling.
I'm standing here
in a popular watering
hole called cheers.
Most of you probably recognize
the guy standing next to me...
Or maybe you don't when
he's not in his Red Sox uniform,
but this is Sam "mayday" Malone,
ex-great relief pitcher
from the Boston Red Sox
and now owner and
bartender here at cheers.
How you doing, Sam?
I'm all right, Dave. Thanks.
That's great.
You've been out of baseball,
what, five years now?
Yeah. Yeah.
Do you miss it?
Well, you know, I miss the fans.
The people of Boston
were very good to me.
Yeah.
Tell us about some of the great
moments you had here, Sam.
I guess I'd have to say
one day in Baltimore.
Oh, great. You want to tell
us a little bit about that, Sam?
Well, I was working both
ends of a double-header.
It was the old story.
First game, bottom of the ninth,
I'm coming in with a
man on second and third.
We're holding on to a
one-run lead against the birds,
and boog Powell's coming up.
I could feel the wind
from his warm-up swings.
I mean, the guy had the
heaviest bat in the league.
Papers were full of him.
So I figure the only way I'm gonna
get this guy, as good as he's going,
is if I challenge
him on the first pitch.
If I try to get cute,
he's gonna kill me.
So I decide I'm going
to make him wait on me,
make him sweat a little bit.
I adjust my cap
a couple of times,
go down to the rosin
bag a couple of times,
walk around the mound
two or three times.
Then when I figure he's
getting good and antsy...
Dave, John mcenroe just called.
He said he's got something
he wants to get off his chest.
Mcenroe.
Hey, Dave. What...
Sam, thank you.
I'll catch you later, huh?
What happened?
Well, I guess he
got a better interview.
No, no. What happened
to the boog person?
He grounded to third.
Come on, coach.
Let's serve some drinks here.
Coach: Yeah, right, Sam.
Tennis is a sissy game.
Sam: Come on. We've
got thirsty people, right?
Norm: Damn shame, Sammy.
No sweat.
Listen, I'm going to...
I'm gonna be in
back cleaning up.
That's our job, Sam.
It's my bar, Carla!
Listen, Carla, will you
watch my customers
while I'm gone, please?
Sure. I'll go over, act geeky,
give them the wrong drinks...
They'll never know you're gone.
Thanks.
Sam, this could be a
crucial moment in your life.
It is vitally important
that you handle your
emotions properly.
The worst thing that
anyone in a situation like this
could do right now is
to repress his feelings.
Diane, get out. Please?
You need to lash out,
to release yourself,
scream.
Get out!
Wonderful! All right. Now...
We need now to move away from
the brute, gut release of emotions
into the more cerebral.
Tell me in one sentence
what you perceive to be
your problem right now.
You won't leave.
Let's come back to that.
Other people...
Have been through
what you're feeling.
Even, in a slightly
different way, myself.
Would you like me to share
an experience from my life
when I was horribly
defeated and humiliated?
Diane, I don't want to hear
a "lead in a high
school play" story.
Oh, it's not a "lead in the
high school play" story.
I don't want to hear
a "I didn't get asked out
for the junior prom" story.
It's not an "I didn't
get asked out
"for the junior prom" story.
I sure as hell
don't want to hear
a "I didn't get elected
cheerleader" story.
O.k., if you're just going
to make a big joke about it.
I hit it.
Sam, I was terrific!
Look, what happened to me today
put a period at the
end of my career.
The last thing I need is
a cheerleader right now.
Well, that's what
you need the most.
Hey, you know...
I was looking at you
at that interview today.
Yep. I didn't see a washed-up,
ex-former has-been.
No.
I saw a guy
who has a great deal
to look back on with pride...
And a great deal to
look forward to with hope.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Of course, it didn't hurt
that you were standing
next to a cro-magnon.
But, Sam, here's the point.
You know, you have to
put the past behind you.
You have to turn and
face the future. Look at it.
You have to open your eyes,
see what's right
in front of you.
You're young,
you're alive. Feel that.
Feel that in your whole body.
Appreciate what you've got.
Live for today.
Go for it, Sam.
I tell you, go for it!
Are you o.K.?
Oh, yeah, yeah...
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Oh, hey, look.
One of my lights is out.
It's a reflex, Sam, you know?
I learned it in a class...
Practical feminism.
Whoa. Whew!
What was your final,
crippling a buick?
Look, I'm sorry
I had to do that,
but I came in here with
very honorable intentions
of trying to help you out.
No, I'm sorry. You're
right. Thank you.
Look, I really appreciate
you coming in here.
It's the high point of my day.
How long have you
wanted to do that?
Do what?
Kiss me.
How long have you
denied that burning desire?
It just came to me.
It was an impulse.
Good.
Because if you've been thinking
about anything between us,
it is out of the question.
No. No, I haven't.
Good.
Listen, Diane...
Thank you.
I will put the past behind me,
and tomorrow I'll feel better,
but tonight I'm
going to feel bad.
O.k.?
Yeah, o.K.
Sam, will you do me a favor?
You want me to try and
take your purse, right?
O.k., I deserved that.
No, I'm curious.
I want to hear about the booger.
The what?
The guy from Baltimore.
Listen, Diane, I know
when I'm being patronized
I may not have had 80 majors, but
I know when I'm being patronized.
Second game,
bottom of the ninth,
boog was up again. Again?
Oh, yeah. I'm seeing
the clown in my dreams.
You see, if I serve
him a gopher ball,
we're five games
out of first place
with only eight to play.
Now, there's only
one guy on base,
but it happens to be Don buford.
He's over there on first
base dancing around.
I had to go over there 20 times.
To talk to him about dancing?
No. You see, you got
to throw the ball to first
to keep the runner
close to the bag.
If you don't...
Wait, wait.
Don't you throw
the ball at the batter?
Look. Look, this
story's going nowhere.
Why don't we
just forget it, huh?
Oh, good. Now we have
time for my cheerleader story.
All right. All right.
Buford's on first...
Right there. Put it
down, put it down!
Easy mistake, easy mistake.
Let me give you another shot.
Let me give you
another shot. Once again.
Anyone can make that
mistake. Once again.
Once, twice, 3 times.
I'll tell you what. Let me
give you a hand. Which one?
Right there.
Right there?
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
One more time. One more
time, please, please, please.
Let me give you a
chance to break even.
I feel just terrible. Again.
Forget it, Harry.
Sam says I can't
serve you anymore.
You're a flimflammer.
No, no. It ain't for me.
I'm expecting a friend.
A friend?
Yeah, yeah. He asked
me to order it for him.
He did! He did!
In fact, he wrote it down.
Uh, "one beer."
Wait a minute.
Wait one minute!
One minute, Harry!
Let me see that.
Yeah. "One beer."
Sorry. I just had to make sure.
That's o.K.
That'll be one buck.
A buck. Let's see, uh...
Gosh, I thought I had a dollar.
I got a 10. You got change?
Absolutely.
Here you go, a
five and four ones.
Oh, look at this. I
have a buck after all.
Listen, I don't need
the change, coach.
Why don't you give
me my 10 back?
Right. O.K.
Right.
Here you go.
No. Coach, I don't want to
carry around all these bills.
Listen, give me a 20 for the
whole thing. What do you say?
You got it.
Nobody move!
Aw, come on, coach. Don't
you see what he's doing?
I mean, he's
shortchanging you again.
Oh, no, no, Sam. He's outsmarted
me before, but not this time.
No way. Believe me.
Coach, how much
money are you giving him?
20 bucks.
How much has he given you?
Oh, darn you, Harry.
Sam, I'm just trying
to keep in practice.
Coach, I'll tell you what.
I'll give you a $30 bill.
We'll call it even, ok?
What do you think, Sam?
There's no such thing
as a $30 bill, coach.
You want to bet?
Get out of my bar, Harry.
Come on, now. Scoot.
Wait a minute. You
owe me 10 bucks.
What is this... a clip joint?
I'm sorry. Here. No go on.
You know, Sam, you've
got the wrong idea about me.
No, I don't. Now, Harry,
you've got 10 seconds
to get out of my bar.
And give me back
my watch, Harry.
I'm just trying to
help you guys out.
I mean, if you want
to upgrade a little bit...
Out!
I'm out. I'm out.
♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪
Afternoon, everybody.
Hey, norm! Norm!
Give me a beer, will you?
How's life treating you, norm?
Like I just ran over its dog.
You're a little late,
norm. How come?
Vera dragged me
down to the mortuary.
Had to arrange for our funeral.
You thinking about dying, norm?
Don't have any
dates circled yet,
but you know Vera.
She likes to plan ahead.
Yeah. We're going
to get cremated.
No kidding. What are you
going to do with the ashes?
I wanted to throw them
in her mother's face, but...
I think we're going to
have them scattered
over the adirondacks.
Hello, everyone!
Hi, Diane. Hi, Diane.
I'm sorry I'm late,
but you'll be delighted
when you hear why.
We were just delighted
that you were late.
I had the most fabulous
after-class discussion
with my art history professor.
Yeah. I now feel unequivocally
I have a full grasp
of impressionism.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Do kirk Douglas.
Sam, I am sorry I was late.
Is there anything I can
do to make it up to you?
Yeah. Yeah, but you wouldn't.
[Telephone rings]
Cheers.
Uh, yeah. Coach,
your friend Walt.
Ooh, Walt. Walt.
Walt, my god, it's so
good to hear from you.
Ooh, I'm so glad the
operation's over, Walt.
Listen, I didn't want to say
anything beforehand, Walt,
but, you know, I didn't think
your chances going in there
were too good.
Oh, it's tomorrow?
Listen, don't worry
about it, Walt.
You'll fly right through
it. It's a piece of cake.
Oh.
Hello, everybody.
Dave!
Oh! The famous sportscaster!
Hi, coach!
Right on, man!
Hey, Dave, we watch you
here on the news every night.
You do the best
sports report in town.
Well, well, what
do we have here?
Hi. Dave Richards.
I'm an old teammate of Sam's.
Oh. Diane chambers.
I'm Sam's new waitress.
Does Sam have his
brand on you yet?
Hardly.
Oh, well, good. Then
you're in for a lucky day.
Not only am I
incredibly good-looking,
I'm also incredibly
rich and incredibly nice.
And incredibly married.
I am sorry to hear that.
You are?
Yes. I was hoping to reject you
based solely on
your personality.
Too skinny.
Can I have coach buy you a beer?
No, Sam. I'm here on business.
Yeah. I noticed.
How would you like
to be my interview
on the 6:00 news tonight?
Hey, that's terrific, Sam!
You want to interview me?
I haven't been in
baseball for years.
Hey, I understand perfectly.
You are one of
the best relievers
the Red Sox ever had.
Carla's right.
You're still a big
name in this town, Sam.
We could do the interview
right here in the bar.
You couldn't ask for
more than that, Sam.
And besides, you owe me a favor.
I do?
Yeah. Remember that
night in Chicago in 1973?
Those two young...
Dollars I borrowed? Oh, yeah.
Two young dollars?
Yeah. I hate it when
they're wrinkled.
Look, I'm out of practice.
It's been years since
I did an interview.
Hey, come on, Sam.
It's good advertising.
It would help business.
Right, Carla, and
we can all be on TV.
I'd like to see myself on TV.
No, you wouldn't.
Trust me. Trust me on that.
Come on, Sam. I
haven't got all day.
Yeah. Come on! Come on!
Do it!
Sam, everybody in this bar
wants you to do the interview.
Almost everybody.
What do you mean?
Oh, never mind.
Will you excuse
me for just a minute?
Diane, can I talk to you in
the back room for a minute?
Certainly.
Thank you.
I'll be right back.
I just have to
discipline an employee.
Oh, could I watch?
No.
O.k., what's the problem?
What makes you
think I have a problem?
Because you've got that
"Sam is a chowderhead,
"and he wouldn't understand
"if I drew him a picture" look.
Oh. I do get that sometimes.
Yeah.
Sam, the fact of the matter is
that you are an ex-jock strap...
Ex-jock.
That's ex-jock.
How many times do
I got to tell you that?
Well, what is the
origin of the word jock?
I... from the French Jacques.
Sam, those where-are-they-now
interviews on TV...
Yeah.
They're depressing.
You know, anytime
you put a "former"
in front of someone's name,
even the most attractive,
bright, successful guy...
Excuse me. Excuse
me. Attractive?
Yeah. Even then, you know...
I didn't know you
thought I was attractive.
Well, you know,
when the light strikes
you in a certain way
and your hair's
combed just right
and I'm standing back a ways,
you're, uh...
You're sometimes
somewhat unrepugnant.
Yeah. That's what women call me,
tall, dark, and unrepugnant.
The point I am
laboring to make here
is that whenever I
see an old athlete
trying to relive his
glory days on TV,
I can't help but
feel sorry for him.
And I don't want
to feel sorry for you.
Wait a minute.
Feel sorry for me?
Hey, look, I resent that.
You don't have to
feel sorry for me.
You know who you
should feel sorry for?
I'll tell you who you
should feel sorry for.
You should feel sorry
for the flintstones.
I beg your pardon?
Yeah. They're
opposite the 6:00 news,
and when everybody finds
out that mayday Malone is on,
bedrock is gonna be
a very lonely little town.
Martina navra... um...
No. Marytina navra...
Mamajama. No.
Um, martina...
Hey, Dave. Let's do it.
All right!
That's great, Sam.
Give me 20 minutes, and
I'll bring the crew right back.
You got it. That'll give
me just enough time
to slip into my
shawl and blanket.
Hey, Dave. This is
a really good idea.
Yeah. It's pretty
good, isn't it?
Yeah. About time you
got around to mayday.
Actually, I'm really
kind of excited
that he agreed to
do the interview.
You know, John mcenroe
canceled out on me.
So Sam was your second choice?
No. Gerry cheevers is
out of town with his horses.
Third?
M.l. Carr has laryngitis.
Fourth?
Jim rice is out of town,
and Robert parish was last week,
and Becky bannerman, the
junior high school gymnast,
is on a field trip.
But Sam was the first
retired guy you thought of.
No. Well...
I said Sam was
the first retired guy
you thought of.
The very first.
He's honored.
The celtics got it
going pretty good, eh?
Huh?
I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.
I'm practicing my
floating coin trick.
Pardon me?
Oh, it's just... Just a
little something I do.
So, what, it's a
rigged-up coin, huh?
No. It's just a half dollar.
Take a look.
Must be a trick or
something, huh?
Strings and wires.
No wires. No strings.
I just take the coin, I hold
it in the air about like that,
and I let go of it real careful,
and it just stays there.
It floats.
It hangs there.
Hey, what am I, a goof?
There's no way you can make
a coin hang in the air. No way.
5 bucks if I can't?
10! 10 bucks!
Wait a minute. Am I
being hustled here?
You are gonna give me
10 bucks if I cannot do it?
You're onsville, pal. Come on.
I couldn't do it.
No, you couldn't.
I don't know what happened.
I'll tell you what happened.
You just got stuck
with 10 bucks.
Coach!
Coach! Who is this clown?
What clown?
Harry!
Harry, please!
Harry.
Sam, I'm going. I'm going.
I was just playing, ok?
But whoever owns the Honda,
thanks for the lift.
He take you for anything, norm?
What did you say, coach?
I didn't hear you.
I'm practicing suspending
this coin in midair.
Oh.
Uh, here. Look.
No, Carla. I'm fine.
All right. You know,
he's going to ask you
what's your greatest
memory in baseball.
And I'll tell you what it is.
It's got to be that
double-header
against the orioles in '72.
He saved both games
with seven pitches.
Seven pitches.
Coach: Wait a minute!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You want to talk
about excitement, huh?
Sam, tell him about
opening day in New York.
You come out of the
bullpen in the seventh.
The bases are
loaded with pinstripes,
Bobby Mercer's at the plate.
He hit a 400-foot
homerun off me, coach.
My god, it was the most
exciting thing I ever saw!
Coach, this is Sam's interview.
Why would he
want to talk about something
bad happening to him?
You're right, Carla. I
don't know what it is.
You know, sometimes I just
think of the smartest thing to say,
and then it comes out so stupid.
That doesn't make any sense.
You should have
heard it before I said it.
Everybody ready?
Yeah.
Well, mayday,
knock 'em dead.
Thanks.
You ready, Sammy?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I am.
Dave, listen, I'd like to
do this, if you don't mind.
Yeah.
First we can talk about whatever
my greatest thrill
in sports was.
Then I want to talk about
my triumph over alcoholism.
Good. Very good.
Yeah. It could be powerful.
Very powerful.
Then we could talk about
cheers, what I'm doing now.
And if you have
any time left over,
we can talk about what I'd do
about the crisis in the mideast.
Yeah, the cubs got that thing
by 3 1/2 games, don't they?
Should be a stimulating evening.
Ready, Dave.
O.k. A little bit more
to the left, guys.
Roll tape.
Rolling. Action.
I'm standing here in a popular
Boston watering
hole called cheers.
What's wrong with his voice?
Come on, Diane.
This is television.
Cut the tape.
Come on, Sam!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I mean, really. I've
got to start over now!
You'll be all right.
Gee whiz.
Roll it, Ernie.
Rolling.
I'm standing here
in a popular watering
hole called cheers.
Most of you probably recognize
the guy standing next to me...
Or maybe you don't when
he's not in his Red Sox uniform,
but this is Sam "mayday" Malone,
ex-great relief pitcher
from the Boston Red Sox
and now owner and
bartender here at cheers.
How you doing, Sam?
I'm all right, Dave. Thanks.
That's great.
You've been out of baseball,
what, five years now?
Yeah. Yeah.
Do you miss it?
Well, you know, I miss the fans.
The people of Boston
were very good to me.
Yeah.
Tell us about some of the great
moments you had here, Sam.
I guess I'd have to say
one day in Baltimore.
Oh, great. You want to tell
us a little bit about that, Sam?
Well, I was working both
ends of a double-header.
It was the old story.
First game, bottom of the ninth,
I'm coming in with a
man on second and third.
We're holding on to a
one-run lead against the birds,
and boog Powell's coming up.
I could feel the wind
from his warm-up swings.
I mean, the guy had the
heaviest bat in the league.
Papers were full of him.
So I figure the only way I'm gonna
get this guy, as good as he's going,
is if I challenge
him on the first pitch.
If I try to get cute,
he's gonna kill me.
So I decide I'm going
to make him wait on me,
make him sweat a little bit.
I adjust my cap
a couple of times,
go down to the rosin
bag a couple of times,
walk around the mound
two or three times.
Then when I figure he's
getting good and antsy...
Dave, John mcenroe just called.
He said he's got something
he wants to get off his chest.
Mcenroe.
Hey, Dave. What...
Sam, thank you.
I'll catch you later, huh?
What happened?
Well, I guess he
got a better interview.
No, no. What happened
to the boog person?
He grounded to third.
Come on, coach.
Let's serve some drinks here.
Coach: Yeah, right, Sam.
Tennis is a sissy game.
Sam: Come on. We've
got thirsty people, right?
Norm: Damn shame, Sammy.
No sweat.
Listen, I'm going to...
I'm gonna be in
back cleaning up.
That's our job, Sam.
It's my bar, Carla!
Listen, Carla, will you
watch my customers
while I'm gone, please?
Sure. I'll go over, act geeky,
give them the wrong drinks...
They'll never know you're gone.
Thanks.
Sam, this could be a
crucial moment in your life.
It is vitally important
that you handle your
emotions properly.
The worst thing that
anyone in a situation like this
could do right now is
to repress his feelings.
Diane, get out. Please?
You need to lash out,
to release yourself,
scream.
Get out!
Wonderful! All right. Now...
We need now to move away from
the brute, gut release of emotions
into the more cerebral.
Tell me in one sentence
what you perceive to be
your problem right now.
You won't leave.
Let's come back to that.
Other people...
Have been through
what you're feeling.
Even, in a slightly
different way, myself.
Would you like me to share
an experience from my life
when I was horribly
defeated and humiliated?
Diane, I don't want to hear
a "lead in a high
school play" story.
Oh, it's not a "lead in the
high school play" story.
I don't want to hear
a "I didn't get asked out
for the junior prom" story.
It's not an "I didn't
get asked out
"for the junior prom" story.
I sure as hell
don't want to hear
a "I didn't get elected
cheerleader" story.
O.k., if you're just going
to make a big joke about it.
I hit it.
Sam, I was terrific!
Look, what happened to me today
put a period at the
end of my career.
The last thing I need is
a cheerleader right now.
Well, that's what
you need the most.
Hey, you know...
I was looking at you
at that interview today.
Yep. I didn't see a washed-up,
ex-former has-been.
No.
I saw a guy
who has a great deal
to look back on with pride...
And a great deal to
look forward to with hope.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Of course, it didn't hurt
that you were standing
next to a cro-magnon.
But, Sam, here's the point.
You know, you have to
put the past behind you.
You have to turn and
face the future. Look at it.
You have to open your eyes,
see what's right
in front of you.
You're young,
you're alive. Feel that.
Feel that in your whole body.
Appreciate what you've got.
Live for today.
Go for it, Sam.
I tell you, go for it!
Are you o.K.?
Oh, yeah, yeah...
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Oh, hey, look.
One of my lights is out.
It's a reflex, Sam, you know?
I learned it in a class...
Practical feminism.
Whoa. Whew!
What was your final,
crippling a buick?
Look, I'm sorry
I had to do that,
but I came in here with
very honorable intentions
of trying to help you out.
No, I'm sorry. You're
right. Thank you.
Look, I really appreciate
you coming in here.
It's the high point of my day.
How long have you
wanted to do that?
Do what?
Kiss me.
How long have you
denied that burning desire?
It just came to me.
It was an impulse.
Good.
Because if you've been thinking
about anything between us,
it is out of the question.
No. No, I haven't.
Good.
Listen, Diane...
Thank you.
I will put the past behind me,
and tomorrow I'll feel better,
but tonight I'm
going to feel bad.
O.k.?
Yeah, o.K.
Sam, will you do me a favor?
You want me to try and
take your purse, right?
O.k., I deserved that.
No, I'm curious.
I want to hear about the booger.
The what?
The guy from Baltimore.
Listen, Diane, I know
when I'm being patronized
I may not have had 80 majors, but
I know when I'm being patronized.
Second game,
bottom of the ninth,
boog was up again. Again?
Oh, yeah. I'm seeing
the clown in my dreams.
You see, if I serve
him a gopher ball,
we're five games
out of first place
with only eight to play.
Now, there's only
one guy on base,
but it happens to be Don buford.
He's over there on first
base dancing around.
I had to go over there 20 times.
To talk to him about dancing?
No. You see, you got
to throw the ball to first
to keep the runner
close to the bag.
If you don't...
Wait, wait.
Don't you throw
the ball at the batter?
Look. Look, this
story's going nowhere.
Why don't we
just forget it, huh?
Oh, good. Now we have
time for my cheerleader story.
All right. All right.
Buford's on first...
Right there. Put it
down, put it down!
Easy mistake, easy mistake.
Let me give you another shot.
Let me give you
another shot. Once again.
Anyone can make that
mistake. Once again.
Once, twice, 3 times.
I'll tell you what. Let me
give you a hand. Which one?
Right there.
Right there?
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
One more time. One more
time, please, please, please.
Let me give you a
chance to break even.
I feel just terrible. Again.