Cheers (1982–1993): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Tortelli Tort - full transcript

After another loss by the Red Sox, this time to the Yankees, Carla vows for the umpteenth time that she is no longer a fan. She shows that she is all hot air as usual when a man named Big Ed, a Yankees fan from New York, comes into the bar denigrating the Bosox and Bostonians for supporting the Bosox. When Big Ed starts in on Sam the ex-big time Bosox player who is now "the drunk", Carla has had it with his insults, and physically assaults Big Ed. He in turn threatens to sue unless Sam fires Carla. Sam is in a conundrum as he considers Carla a friend, but she has let her anger get the better of her too many times and if he doesn't do as Eddie requests, he could lose the bar. Sam and Diane convince Carla to see a therapist to deal with her anger issues. To save Carla's job and the bar, Sam too has to convince Ed that in Carla doing so, she is dealing with the issue, and Carla in turn has to demonstrate to Ed that she is both remorseful and changed, which is a tall order since she has had decades of mean ingrained into her. Meanwhile, another bar patron named Fred is celebrating the death of yet another wealthy unliked sibling who nonetheless deeds his/her money to him. And Coach demonstrates how and why he's taken a few too many pitches to the head.

What a great day!

Hey, cliff.

Hey, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.

Ha ha ha ha!

You got something
funny there, coach?

Yeah, Sam. This salesman
came by this morning

with these new napkins.

Read that one. It's terrific.

This isn't funny.

Well, no, that's
not the funniest.

Read some of the others.



What others?

Oh, here. I bought 30 gross.

Take your pick.

30 gross of two hunters saying,

"did I hear a buck snort?"

No, no.

They're all different, Sam.

Well, I'll be darned.

That salesman.

But two bucks snorting
is funny every time.

You should have asked me

before you did this, coach.

Gee, I'm sorry, Sam.

I was sure you
were gonna love 'em.



These things are a
real conversation starter.

No, coach, this is not
a conversation starter.

Did you see these awful napkins?

Yeah. They stink.

See what I mean?
The place is abuzz.

Making your way
in the world today

takes everything you've got.

Taking a break
from all your worries

sure would help a lot

wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you wanna go

where everybody knows your name

and they're always glad you came

you wanna to be
where you can see

our troubles are all the same

you wanna be where
everybody knows your name

you wanna go where people know

people are all the same

you wanna go where
everybody knows your name

Well folks, the sox
need a rally here

as they bat with 2
outs in the bottom

of the ninth inning.

The yanks may have
it sewed up, though,

as they lead 5 to nothing.

Here's your drinks.

Go, Red Sox!

Uh, miss, which
drink is which here?

What does this look
like, the Pepsi challenge?

Sam, Carla's getting
her drink orders mixed up

because she's
watching that silly game.

Snitch face!

You know, if you tried that
at St. cletus' school for girls,

we'd have given you a pink
belly that glowed in the dark.

I'd kinda like to see that.

Good afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Hey, norm!

Norman.

How you doing, norm?

Cut the small talk,
and give me a beer.

Norm, how come you're late?

Boss kept me after.

Got chewed out a little bit.

Yeah? What for?

I dunno. Guess he
doesn't have a dog.

All right! Hey, our prayers
are answered, normie babe.

Yastrzemski's up with a man on.

A fountain of youth.

Come on, now!

Now we're going
to get something...

Yeah.

Come on, now. You and me, babe.

You and me, yaz.
Come on, my hero.

Popped it up.

Sox lose again.

You old fossil!

That's it. That does it!

May I have your attention,
please, everyone?

I have an announcement.

As of right now,
Carla tortelli...

All: Carla tortelli...

Is no longer a Red Sox fan!

All: No, no. Really!

I mean it this time!

All: Now stop that, ok?!

Have I said that before?

Give everybody a
drink on me, Sam.

Yay! Yay! Yay!

What's the occasion, Fred?

My sister Louise died.

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Congratulations, Freddy!

Just in the Nick of time.

Oh yeah, I was getting
pretty low on funds.

What's going on?

Well, uh, Fred here is
the youngest of 12 brothers

and sisters of a
very wealthy family.

And I never cared
for any of them.

Every time one of them dies,

Fred here inherits
all their money.

I think that's ghoulish.

So did we the first
six or seven times.

Remember the night two of
them drove off the cliff in the fog?

Talk about a party.

How we doing here? Cliff?

Yeah, another one, Sam,
but hold the napkin, huh?

Hey, what do we have
here, a Red Sox bar?

Sorry about that, fans.

Another tough one
in the loss column.

Boo-hoo!

We're closed.

I just came from
a classic massacre

of Boston by the Yankees.

Tonight on the news,

you can watch the lowlights.

You know, I can't see why
you people are such bad losers.

You've had so much experience.

Who do you like, the Yankees?

Another swift bostonian.

Yeah, I'm a yankee fan.

Back in the real city
they call me big Eddie.

Pig Eddie?

Yeah. Pal, you made
awfully good time

getting over here from Fenway.

I still hear the
TV tube's cooling.

Oh, I left right after
the Red Sox fans

had their seventh inning retch.

Can I help you?

Yeah. Give me a draft.

Ha ha!

You know, big ed,
the sox are doing ok.

Yeah?

Since 1918, the Yankees have won

23 world championships

and the sox... Zip.

Want to talk about major poets

from new england as
opposed to New York?

Want to talk about nobel
prize winners in medicine?

No! No! No!

Philistines.

Fred, another
round for everybody?

No. Louise didn't have that
much money, but I'll be back.

My 90 year-old brother
Bob is hooked up to so many

wires you can get the
superstation on him.

Thanks, Fred.

So long, Freddy!

Tell him we'll be
thinking of him

during the next
electrical storms.

Bye.

Bye, Freddy.

You homesick for the Bronx?

Yeah.

Here. Pfffft!

You'll, um...

You'll have to forgive Carla.

She gets a little
overemotional at times,

but please bear in mind
you are in an alien camp.

Tact is, perhaps,
your wisest recourse.

What did you get, a
vocabulary for Christmas?

How would you like
to take a flying leap

off a knuckle sandwich.

Huh?

Well, you gather my inference.

Hey, come on. Come on,
everybody, take it easy.

We're trying to run a
nice, friendly bar here.

Come on, everybody. Sit
back and relax, read a napkin.

Great shot, kid.

Well, you must admit,
the man's a jackal.

Hey, hey!

Uh... I know you!

Uh...

Uh, what's your name?

Sam Malone.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah. I usually get it right.

Hey, you used to
be a relief pitcher

for the Boston Red Sox, huh?

That's right.

Hey, you didn't stink.

Thanks.

As I recall, you had a
darn good hard slider,

and here you are
schlepping drinks,

the great Sam "maybe" Malone.

Hey, hey, that is mayday.

Let me buy you a drink, Sam.

No, thanks.

Come on, I didn't mean all
that stuff about your ball club.

Come on, have a drink with me.

I don't drink.

A baseball player
that don't drink?

He doesn't drink
anymore. That's it.

Oh, that's... that's
what happened,

and I thought you just lost it.

Hey, hey.

He licked his booze
problem three years ago.

Hey, what was it like

pitching to two guys
at the same time?

Better yet,

what was it like coming
in with bases loaded,

and so were you?

Eeeaaah!

It's ok, everybody. I'm fine.

Sammy, you want
to put a head on this?

You all right?

Yeah. I think I better
get this looked at.

Here's a doctor.
Lives right near here.

No. I was thinking something
more on the lines of an attorney.

Here's a guy. He's excellent.

No, thanks. I got my own,

and he's damn good.

Listen Sam, you're
legally responsible

for the actions of
your employees.

You know that, don't you?

She got carried away.

It was a stupid
mistake. I'm sorry.

Mistake? That was an assault

in front of witnesses.

Hey, I didn't see anything.

I still don't.

Hey, listen, Sam. I ain't
got nothing against you.

You run a clean bar.

Fire her, and I'll
forget the whole thing.

Ah, come on, come on. Look,

there must be some other
way we can settle this.

Yeah? What do you suggest?

Well, I certainly think an
apology's in order, don't you, Carla?

Hey, I'm willing to listen.

Listen, Sam, you fire her,

or I'm going to take
everything you got.

Well, that's it.

Happy hour is over.

Carla, what you did
was reprehensible.

You do what you can.

Talked to your lawyer, Sam?

Yeah, I finally
got through to him.

So what'd he say?

Well...

Well, if he's worth a dime,

he said by statute
and precedents,

this would be considered a tort,

and there is therefore
substantial grounds

for cause of action.

How did you know that?

Well, I picked it up in pre-law.

I thought you were
an English major?

Well, that was after art
and before psychology.

Is there anything
you weren't in college?

Blonde.

Check the yearbook, Carla.

Check the yearbook.

Don't, just stop.

Sam.

Look, I'm sorry I
got you in trouble.

I promise it won't happen again.

How... how am I supposed
to believe that, Carla,

I mean you've flown
off the handle too often?

When?

You don't remember
throwing a man's change at him

from across the bar?

The correct change.

Carla, car... look.

You have a history of being...

Abusive with customers.

I'll handle this.

A history of being
a-abusive with customers.

Sam, he was insulting you!

You're so stupid.

You don't even know
when you're being insulted!

Carla, I appreciate
you defending my honor,

but I used to be
a baseball player.

I'm used to people riding me.

In yankee stadium, I
had to face 50,000 Eddies.

I can defend myself without
having to call in spiderlady.

Yeah, I did make a couple
of nice moves, didn't I?

Like when I...

Carla, sit down. Look...

I'm your friend, and I like you,

but I'm also a businessman,

and as a businessman,

I don't like what
you did tonight.

Look, you know, I
could get tough with you.

My lawyer wants me to do
exactly what Eddie asked.

Fire me?

[Laughs]

Come on.

That's crazy.

Carla, I could lose the bar.

Sam, you can't fire me.

I need this job.
Think of my kids.

If I didn't have this job,

I'd have to stay home with them.

Hey, Sam, you're not actually
thinking about it, are you?

Sam, this is Carla
we're talking about.

I know it's Carla we're
talking about, coach.

Excuse me. May I
make a suggestion?

Sure, honey, go ahead. What?

Well, I have a very close friend

who's a clinical psychologist.

That could work.

What could work?

I don't know, Sam.

Give the kid a chance to talk.

This friend mentioned
to me one time

that he has a therapy group

for people who...

I hope you'll forgive me, Carla.

For people who can't
control their tempers.

You think I'm wacko.

Nobody used the word wacko.

Now you don't have to be wacko

to see a psychologist.

Perfectly normal, happy
people consult pyschologists.

In fact, get ready to laugh.

I have consulted him
professionally myself.

Are you one of his better jobs?

I'm trying to help you.

Carla, this might
do you a lot of good.

Now you think I'm crazy.

I think you're a person who's
got a lot of anger inside her.

Yeah? Well, stick it.

Come on, would you...

Look, Sam. I grew
up on federal help.

I had six older
brothers and sisters.

I mean I worked all
my life to get this mean.

Now you're telling me
I have to learn nice?

Carla, I'm giving you
one more chance. Take it.

Whew.

Ok. Look, if I go
see whitey's shrink...

Will you let me stay on?

Show me you're serious,

get some help,

and yeah, I'll keep you on.

Thanks, Sam.

Come on, let's go home.

This is great, just great.

A minute ago, everything
seemed so hopeless,

that we were going
to lose Carla forever.

And all of a sudden,
it's all turned around.

I feel wonderful.

All we have to worry about
now is Eddie taking my bar away.

That didn't last long.

Oh, I'm sorry!

Pre-law was after literature

and before psychol...
No, wait, I'm wrong again.

Indian studies totally
slipped my mind.

How could I forget
that? It changed my life!

I'm fine, Eddie, yeah.

See you in 15 minutes.

So Ed's coming over?

Yeah, he's on his way.

When was the last
time he was here?

3 weeks.

Oh, gee, then he's
seen the napkins, huh?

Ed?

You don't mean that
swineherd ed that's suing you?

Yeah, that's the one.

Oh, I see what you're doing.

You're taking
advantage of the fact

that it's Carla's day off

to bring ed in

and fool him into thinking
that you fired Carla.

It's a crass ploy.

I'm going to tell him
that Carla's in therapy

and ask him to understand.

My way's better.

Hey, that ed guy is
not my favorite person.

I think he's a big pansy making a
big fuss over some intense pain.

How many times did
you play hurt, Sam?

Now and then.

I must have got hit
by a hundred fast balls.

As a matter of fact, it
became a specialty of mine.

Wait, you specialized
in getting hit?

Yeah...

He led the league in
hbps two years in a row.

Hit by pitches.

See, I perfected it
when I was down at

the St. Louis browns
organizations, Diane.

I could get to first
base on any pitch.

I mean, what I'd do
was, I'd get up there

and lean my body
into the pitch, right?

Sometimes I took one
right in the old melon.

I really made a
science out of it.

I became a master.

Diane, stand right there.

Now, I got the batter's
box marked off back there

at exactly 60 feet 6 inches.

You ready?

Ok, here we go.

Has he done this before?

Lots.

You're up, Diane!

Back in those days,

we didn't wear
batting helmets, either.

Sam, this is ridiculous.

He's gonna stay back there all
night unless you throw the ball.

Ok, honey, I'm
ready! Let her rip!

Come on, baby.

All right. All right!

I'm not gonna get it
anywhere near him.

That's the whole point.

[Thump]

Ah!

I'm on my way to first!

Whew! Way to hum, girl.

Right in the old honeydew.

I really had to
dive for that one.

I still got the old touch.

Hey. Hi, everybody.

Uh-oh.

Carla, hi.

It's Carla, Sam. And
Ed's on his way over.

Thanks for reminding me.

Carla, what the hell
are you doing here

on your day off?

I brought my shrink
by to meet you all.

He wanted to put the
names with the faces.

Dr. Graham, this
is my boss, Sam.

How do you do?

Hi, how you doing?

And this is coach pantuso.

Hiya, doc.

So you're a psychologist, huh?

You know, our
jobs are a lot alike.

You mean because we both
listen to people's problems all day?

Well, there's that, too.

Thank you. It's really
nice to meet you, doc.

Hello, doctor.

Hello, Diane. How are you?

Uh... In what sense?

Pardon me?

Oh, you mean,
how are you, right?

Not, you know, how are you?

Well, if that's what you meant,

I'm fine.

Good.

It's really good to see you,
but I should get back to work.

Ok.

Nothing personal.

I'm just a hard
worker, you know.

Not that I'm
obsessed with work...

Why don't you get some pretzels?

Hi, Sam.

What's she doing here?

Ed, why don't you sit
down way over there?

Um... listen.

I asked you over here

to talk about Carla tonight.

You see, she's
still working here.

I thought my attorney

made my position
absolutely clear on that.

Well, yes, yes, he did. He did.

Hey, table for one. Sit down.

Uh, see, Carla is
seeing a therapist.

She's trying to work things out.

She's trying to become
the kind of waitress

that you'd enjoy
being waited on by.

You just ended that sentence

with two prepositions.

Don't you have
customers to deal with?

That ended with
a preposition, too.

Don't you have customers

to deal with, mullet-head?

Better.

So you're in therapy, huh?

Yes.

I've come a long way, though.

Well, I don't believe it,

and I want you out of here.

Uh... ed.

Ed, it's a long process.

Sometimes...

Sam.

Hey, uh... Ed.

Give me a break.

I mean, I've been
working damn hard,

and I'm better.

Yeah?

Yes.

Boston stinks.

This bar stinks.

No. It's all right.
It's all right.

You're a crummy waitress!

Now, wait...

No, no. Let it go.
You're doing wonderfully.

Hang in there, Carla.

You're short.

You're obnoxious.

You're a terrible dresser!

That's low.

Sam Malone was
a terrible pitcher!

Ted Williams was overrated!

Bobby orr was a wimp!

Eddie, Eddie. I'd stay
away from hockey.

Aha!

I hit a sore spot, huh?

Ok.

The bruins are a bunch

of ugly... Stupid... Sissies!

Come on, ed.

How much more do you need?

Ok, Sam. I'm going
to drop the whole thing.

Yeah!

Working here is
punishment enough.

Hey, uh...

I wish you hadn't

said that about the bruins.

Why? You a bruin fan?

No... I'm a bruin.

Let me walk you to your car.

I want to show you

some of those sissy things

I got suspended for.

Ha ha! All right!

Carla, that was wonderful.

Hey, Carla.

I'm so proud of you.

A new woman.

My psychologist.

Carla, how did you do it, honey?

Nothing to it.

I mean, I've been working
really hard on this, haven't I, doc?

I mean we had
some great sessions.

I just use this little trick
Dr. Graham taught me.

I imagine a small point
way off in the distance.

Hey Carla, where's
that beer I ordered?

Shut up! We're celebrating!

And I just kept
thinking of that point.

He never fazed
me, I'm telling you.

A little deep
breathing, relaxation...