Cheers (1982–1993): Season 1, Episode 22 - Show Down: Part 2 - full transcript

Cliff: Here's a
little-known fact...

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

So, Chuck, how's the
job search going, huh?

I got something, Sam, but
I'm not too excited about it.

I'm a janitor at a biology lab

where they do DNA experiments,

you know, making
mutant viruses and stuff.

That sounds like
a pretty good job.

I don't know.
Makes me nervous...

All that weird stuff
floatin' around.

Don't worry about
it. I'm sure it's safe.



Oh, yeah, absolutely. They
take all the right precautions.

Yeah. Yeah.

I guess you're right.

Must be getting a
little paranoid, huh?

You know, I'm
feeling better already.

See you later.

Take care, Chuck.

♪ Makin' your way
in the world today ♪

♪ takes everything you got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot ♪

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪

♪ sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪



♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you want to go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

Last week on cheers...

Interesting, interesting.

That was Sam's brother.

He's on his way over.

He hates him.

Guy's better at
everything than I am.

He's perfect.

Nice voice. Who is that?

Guess.

Your brother is one
good-looking guy.

The guy did get me a job.

Come on, hurry up. He's
going to do some tap-dancing.

Your brother's
teaching me Spanish.

You think Diane likes Derek?

I don't know, Sammy.

I'll pass her a note in gym.

He's just a man

like any other man you'd
meet in Greek mythology.

Derek just wants to fly me out

to Martha's vineyard tonight.

In a plane or on his back?

Whatever you and my brother
Derek want to do is ok with me.

I don't care.

I'd rather stay with you.

What? What did you say?

I didn't hear anything.

Is Diane about to
fall for Sam's brother?

Will Sam's heart be broken?

Will norm find
happiness in his new job?

Will coach return to
coaching in Venezuela?

Will Carl yastrzemski
please call cheers

and ask for the spitfire?

Uh...

Well, coach,

it's clear we've reached a
philosophical impasse here, you know,

much like the question of
the tree falling in the woods.

The what?

The tree falling in the woods.

Oh.

The question is, if a
tree falls in the woods

and if there's nobody's
there to hear it,

does it make a sound?

If there's nobody there,

how do you know it fell?

Well, coach, we assume
that it fell, you know.

Yeah, but you don't know.

All right. Ok, coach.

I went to the woods yesterday

and saw the tree
laying on the ground.

A bunch of beavers
could have chewed on it

and then gently lowered
it to the ground, cliff.

Well, you got me there on that
one, coach. How about another beer?

I'm telling you, you
surprise me, cliff.

You're not prepared
at all tonight.

I fell asleep while I
was going over my notes

preparing for our
conversation today, coach.

Oh, you do that, too, huh?

Coach.

Where's Diane today?

It's her day off. She
must be out with Derek.

She's been out
with him every day.

You know, I am sick
of hearing about her.

Ever since lady dye-job arrived,

she gets all the attention.

Nobody cares about me anymore.

Nobody asks what
Carla's doing anymore.

Ohh! Ohh! Oh, Carla.

Carla, come on now. Be fair.

We weren't that
interested in your life

before she got here.

Well, Sam. Thanks again.

Yeah. Thank you
for dropping me off.

You sure you can't
come in for a drink?

Oh, I'd love to, but
I'm in kind of a hurry.

Oh, hey, uh...

I'm sorry I shrieked
the wrong name.

That's ok.

Hi, everyone.

Hey, Sam.

Sammy, Sammy, oh, my, my, Sammy.

Sammy, tell me true, now,

not only did that
gorgeous-looking

girl go out with you,

but she also drove?

No, she didn't drive,
she carried me.

Hey, Sam. I'm proud of you.

You took my little wimp
speech to heart there.

It's great to see you
back in action again.

Yeah. I want to
thank you for that.

Took my mind off my brother

and your skinny coworker.

I don't even care
where they are anymore.

Where are they?

Well, Bobby and Suzie
saw them at the drive-in

sharing a cherry coke and fries.

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norm!

How you doing, norm?

Coach, I'm on top of the world.

It's a dismal spot in
Greenland somewhere.

How's your new job coming, norm?

Don't bring that up.

I'm no longer in the employ

of Goldstein, boorman,
and kowakami.

What happened?

I discovered that so-called

medical corporation was a
polite term for den of thieves.

They're in the business
of cheating on taxes.

Oh, yeah, so you resigned
in protest, huh, norm?

Well, I took a long lunch,
and they canned me.

The last angry man.

Damn right, I'm angry, Sammy.

Those are rich people
cheating on taxes.

And who has to foot the bill?

Honest folks... Like me and you

and all you nice
people here at the bar

that I've listed as
my dependents.

So, uh... Where's Diane today?

She's not out with Derek again?

I don't believe it.

Hey, hey.

What happened to
all the interesting talk

around here, huh?

I mean, I used to
enjoy coming in here

and listening to a
good conversation.

Now there's so much gossip

you should all have
dryers on your heads.

I'm gonna be in the office.

So, what'll you have?

I'll have a cup of tea.

And I'll have a small Sherry.

Ok. Now that sounds nice.

Sherry sounds very nice,

and it is late afternoon.

I think I'll have a glass
of Sherry, too, please.

Two sherries.

Uh... make that a glass of wine.

White wine.

Wine.

I haven't had a
glass of wine in ages.

Is your wine dry?

Yeah, it's ok.

Then give me some
wine, too. Two wines.

You know what sounds like
fun to me all of a sudden?

What? A beer!

I haven't had a beer
since I don't know when

I used to have half
a beer on a hot day.

Well, it's quite cold out today.

Then put a shot
of whiskey with it,

and it's perfect.

Two boilermakers...
Wild Turkey and bud.

I'll run a tab.

Good.

Ah, que lastima.

What's wrong, coach?

I didn't get the
job in Venezuela.

They hired another guy.

Oh, jeez. What's the matter,

they didn't like your Spanish?

No, no, the Spanish was fine.

They didn't like my English.

See, that's too bad, coach.

Sorry, coach.

Well... ¿que so what, so what?

Hello, everyone.

Oh, hi. Hi, Diane.

What are you doing
here? It's your day off.

I just felt like I
needed to be in a place

where I had a few friends today.

So that's your next stop?

Not today, Carla, please.

What can I get you, honey?

I'll have soda water.

You know what, coach?
You never take a day off.

No. Thursday's my day off.

You work every Thursday.

Yeah, but I go a little
slower, you know?

So tell me, how are you doing?

Not very well.

What is it?

It's Derek.

What about him?

He's flying to Paris today,

and he wants me to go with him.

He's a charming man, coach.

He's everything
I've been looking for.

And I think he's
interested in me, too.

Gee, what a lousy break.

Wait a minute. Wait
a minute, Diane.

Maybe it's good.

Oh, it is good.

I'll tell you why.

The second I looked
at you and Derek,

I said, "now there
goes a cute couple."

Yeah.

What about Sam?

Well, Sam and Derek
are a little cuter, yeah.

Coach, let me
ask you a question.

Diane, you're asking a guy

who's taken a lot of
fastballs in the head.

You sure you want
to ask the question?

Coach, do you think
I'm a smart person?

You're the smartest
person I've ever met.

Well, I, Diane chambers,

bred and educated
to walk with kings,

once offered a full
scholarship at the sorbonne,

have allowed myself
to become attracted

"to a 6'3" bubble gum card.

Well, gee, I think I can help you
with the sore buns, Diane, but...

The rest of what you
say is all over my head.

Coach, I'm making
a confession here.

Not just to you, but to myself.

Maybe I'll feel
better after I say this.

I...

I...

I get it. I got it.

You're hot for Sam's chili.

I think keats would
have said it differently...

But I'll accept that.

Look, Diane,

if you like Sam at all,

I don't understand
what the problem is here.

Derek's making a commitment.

All I ever get from Sam
is adolescent flirtation.

I'm not sticking
around for that.

If he'd give me something,
anything, I'd stay.

Diane, Diane, you
don't understand Sam.

Sam's the kind of
a guy, you know,

he keeps his
feelings to himself.

The more he cares
about something,

the less he shows it.

I've been with him
through his divorce,

through his boozing,

through the end of his career.

And let me tell you something.

The tougher things
got, the cooler he got.

You know something?
It's a damn sure bet

that if he's not
expressing himself to you,

he's nuts about you...

Or he couldn't care less.

Diane, do you mind
if I say something?

Of course not, Norman.

Sometimes, a man and a woman

are so afraid of being
vulnerable to rejection

that neither one of them

will take the first step of
admitting their true feelings.

Norman, that's beautiful.

I do have a
romantic side, Diane.

I know I make a lot
of jokes about Vera,

but the truth is,

if that woman ever packed
her bags and left me,

I don't know
what I'd do... First.

Well, I guess I have no choice

but to force the
issue. Where's Sam?

He's in the office, honey.

I'll tell him I'm going
away with his brother

and see what he does.

If for the first time in
his life, he's honest,

and doesn't hide behind
that tough jock facade,

I'll stay.

If he does one of his blithe,
gratuitous jokes, I'm leaving.

I swear it.

Whoa, whoa, wait a
minute. Diane, hold on.

I mean, you're putting
your whole future

on the line in this
one moment here.

You're letting
your whole life turn

on this one response?

You're right.

Can it wait till I
go to the head?

No!

Well, I'll hear about it.

Coach, coach, why
did you do that for her?

That was our chance
to get rid of her

once and for all.

Are you crazy?

Crazy, Carla?

Crazy like a doorknob.

[Knock on door]

Oh. Hi, Diane.

Sam, your brother Derek

has asked me to go
to Europe with him,

so I've come to say good-bye.

Damn it. I didn't
need to hear that.

What? What's wrong?

Well,

it's too late to put
a help wanted ad

in tomorrow's paper.

Good-bye, everyone.

I'm leaving now.

I'll miss you all very much.

Bye, Diane. Bye, honey. Bye.

Bye-bye.

Sorry, honey, I'm not
interviewing till Monday.

Get this straight. I'm
going away with him.

Good. Have fun.

This could lead to
marriage, you know.

Probably will.

Probably, nothing.
Will lead to marriage.

We'll be Diane and Derek Malone.

We'll buy a spread somewhere

and call it the double "d."

It'll make a nice brand.

Children. We'll have blond,

blue-eyed children everywhere.

Have them brush
after every meal.

I'll be your sister-in-law.

You'll come over
for dinner and say,

"she sets a good table
and she keeps herself up."

I had to say something.
You just fed me.

I'll send you Christmas
cards every year.

"To a wonderful
brother at Christmas."

It'll be nice to be remembered

on the holidays.

The cards will
have pictures of us...

Derek and I, the kids, the dogs.

The blond ones will be the kids?

This is all right with you?

If you're happy.

I'm ecstatic. Good-bye.

See you at the wedding.

Do I get to kiss the bride?

I think you know
what you can kiss.

This is it, everyone.

I bid you a fond farewell.

I've enjoyed knowing all of you.

You've brought a lot to my life.

Bye. Bye. Bye.

Good-bye, everyone.

Bye. Bye. Bye.

Farewell.

Would you get
the hell out of here?

Go, go.

I won't let it end this way.

I've had warts that
went away quicker.

Ow! Ooh!

What did I hit?

My nose. You're
supposed to knock.

You were coming out to say
something to me, weren't you?

What is it?

I wasn't going to say anything.

Yes, you were. What was it?

Go to the airport. Say it!

No!

Good night, Diane.
Good-bye. Bye, Diane.

Bye-bye.

That's the blackboard
from the pool room.

What are you doing with that?

Tell me what you were gonna
say, or you'll be very sorry.

Don't do that. I hate that.

Don't. Don't. Stop! Don't!

Zing!

No, don't. I hate
that. Please stop.

Would you just stop?
Put that down. Please.

Just put... aah, no! All
right, please don't go!

Ask me nice.

Come on, would you?

I mean it. I deserve that much.

Ask me nice.

All right. Just put it down.

Put the blackboard down.

Put it down.

Please stay.

Why should I?

Go on, get out. Get out. Go on.

Hey, I'm not
sticking around here

just with a hope that maybe
something will happen between us.

What is it you want from me?

I want you to tell
me what you want.

I'll tell you what I want.

I'll tell you exactly
what I want.

I want to know what you want.

You're doing it again.

Listen. Look...

Will you just explain
one thing to me?

It's very important to me.

Why aren't you with Derek?

Because I like you better.

Oh, Diane. Listen.

All the jealousy I felt for
my brother over the years

is nothing to what I felt

these last 5 minutes.

Sam...

I think we're about
ready to start something

that might be
kind of great, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Maybe we should,
uh, kiss or something.

We're not going to just kiss.

We're about to start
something. I mean,

a kiss is where
you start, isn't it?

You don't make an announcement

when you're about ready to
kiss someone romantically.

It wasn't an announcement.

I just didn't want to catch
you off guard, that's all.

On our first kiss,
it's ok to be off guard.

You should be swept away.

I was. I was.

Nobody's swept away when
they have the presence of mind

to say, "maybe we should kiss."

You're right. You're right.

All right. When I do it,

I won't say anything.

No, no. This
isn't right, either.

Hey, I didn't say anything.
I was swept away.

Let's face it. The
moment's not right.

We're too aware
of what we're doing.

All right. All right,
you're right, you're right.

This whole thing is not
going the way it should.

Maybe we should just forget
about the kiss and hit the sack.

This is the dumbest
conversation we have ever had,

which means it's the
dumbest conversation

that's ever been.

Maybe this whole thing
is just a mistake, huh?

What whole thing?

Well, this whole thing
that we're trying to do here.

I mean, every time
we try to get together,

something goes wrong.

I mean, look, look. Just
'cause I'm a neat-looking guy

and you're kind of hungry at
the moment doesn't mean that...

Hungry?

No, no, don't. Listen. Listen.

What I mean by that is...

You've been here a long time.

Now, if something were
just going to naturally happen,

it would have happened by now.

It's silliness to try
to make it happen.

Oh, fine!

You tell me this now
that I've let Derek go.

No. Don't throw
Derek in my face.

You never cared for Derek.

You just used him to trap me.

Trap you? Yeah, that's right.

I'm the best thing that
could have happened to you

and you're too
stupid to realize it.

Are you kidding me?

You are the worst thing
that happened to me.

Before you came here,
I was a happy man!

You honestly believe
you were happier

before you met me
than you are now?

Hell, yes!

How do you think it feels

to be attracted to someone
that makes you sick?

I could write a
book on the subject.

You can't shut up long
enough to write a check.

You know, as a matter of
fact, you can't shut up at all.

You're trying to change
the subject. No, I'm not.

The subject is, you can't
shut up long enough to kiss me.

To save your life, I bet you
couldn't shut up for 30 seconds.

Make it 10.

Oh, I most certainly could.

All right, let's see, huh?

You're going to time me?

That's right. I'm
gonna time you.

10 seconds, starting... Now.

This is the most...

You want to try again?

I wasn't really trying.

You want to see me do
this? Fine. Starting... Now.

This is the craziest thing...

Good. Really good.

All right, so I can't do it.

Silence is overrated anyway.

At least I have
something to say.

Meaning I don't?

The last conversation
I had with Derek

was about walking on the moors

like heathcliff and Catherine,

and I threw it
all away for this.

Good. I'll tell you what you do.

I'll tell you what you do.

Will you get out of here? Go on.

Take her with you.
Go on. Get out.

Don't push me!

Why don't you
just go find Derek?

Fine.

It shouldn't be too
hard to find him.

Just follow the
sound of applause.

I will. Maybe I
can still catch him.

Fine.

And while you're up
there floating around,

remember the day I said this:

You are the nuttiest,
the stupidest,

the phoniest
fruitcake I ever met!

You, Sam Malone, are the most
arrogant, self-centered, son of...

Shut your fat mouth!

Make me. Make you?

I'm going to bounce
you off every wall

in this office!

Try it, and you'll be
walking funny tomorrow.

Or should I say... funnier.

You know, you know,

I always wanted to pop you one.

Maybe this is my lucky day, huh?

You disgust me. I hate you.

Are you as turned on as I am?

More. Bet me.

I'm going to nibble on your ear.

Don't tell me you're
going to nibble on my ear.