Cheers (1982–1993): Season 1, Episode 11 - One for the Book - full transcript

Excuse me.

Yes, sir.

Can you check upstairs and see if
the table's ready for the Phillips' party?

Sure. I'd be glad to.

[Humming]

[Humming]

What was the name again?

Phillips.

Phillips.

[Humming]

♪ Makin' your way in the world
today, takes everything you've got ♪



♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be where
where you can see ♪

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go where people
know people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go where
everybody knows your name ♪

Hey, lock up your daughters...

The fighting double deuce

is on the loose.



Can I help you?

Well you should help
me. I sure helped you.

Well, I was fighting the kaiser
when your daddy was in diapers.

Where's the rest of my outfit?

What you got on
looks silly enough.

I'm talking about the other
boys from the 22nd brigade.

I'm meeting them here.

I hope your not
expecting the lemons.

No, no. Just the
guys from my squad.

What's left of them.

I'm buzz crowder.

Sam, I got this one.

Buzz... buzz.

I'm the fella you
talked to this morning.

I didn't recognize your
uniform on the telephone.

Come on. Let me
show you the back room.

It's in the back
here. In the back.

I'm sorry about that.

Can I get you something
to drink back there?

Nope, no. I don't drink.

But keep plenty for the others.

We've got a lot of
catching up to do.

We meet in this bar every
10 years to reminisce.

Well, what war
were you in, buzz?

Why, the first
world war, of course.

Is that the one with Clark
gable or Gary Cooper?

Wow, I'm eighty-five.
What's your excuse?

Uh, baseball.

What you writing, slack?

Um, my thoughts.

That would explain
all the blank pages.

Carla, I'm writing during
the odd moments of the job,

much as Jack London did.

Oh, was he a bad waitress, too?

Ladies, please.

Enough girl talk.

Ah... any sex in it?

Ah!

I've started writing
down bits of conversation

I hear in the bar. Sometimes
people say things that

strike me as
snippets of americana.

You mean things said by
customers, employees...

Yeah.

The owner?

Ah, I'm afraid you're
not represented.

Just my luck. She
doesn't like my snippets.

Good afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norman.

What you up to, norm?

My ears.

Want a beer, norm?

Does a rag doll
have cloth knobs?

There's a lady present, norm.

Oh. Sorry, Diane.

A shot of bourbon.

Uh, sir, save your quarter.

That piano hasn't
worked in 20 years.

Use the juke box.

It doesn't work either,
but it's only a dime.

Sammy, why do you keep something
around here that doesn't work?

'Cause no one else
will give her a job.

Ladies. Ladies.

Got something good there?

Yes.

A remark a customer
dropped just a moment ago.

Oh yeah? A quotable remark, huh?

You know, it occurs to me

that sometimes we find
truth comes in a glass.

Or a mug.

Or your face.

Hey, pinky! You old grunt.

Sammy, uh...
Tinkerbell here or what?

Hey, buzz, buzz,

isn't he a little bit young
to be one of your guys?

Huh?

Oh, of course.

I'm sorry.

Well from behind,
you look exactly like

the young pinky Peterson.

You shouldn't walk up
and grab people like that.

If I buy you a beer,
will you forget it?

Buy me a pitcher, you
can kiss me on the lips.

Hey, you're all right!

I'll be in the back.

Everything all right back there?

Well, that room
is kind of small.

One grenade'll get us all.

Ah, this looks
like a nice saloon.

We aspire to saloon.

Can I just sit anywhere?

Try the bar.

Makes good cover
during the gunfights.

Hi.

What'll you have?

Uh... I'll have a carafe
of your house whiskey.

Excuse me?

Uh, is that a bad order?

Well, not if you're
a party of 20.

This is the first time
I've ever been in a bar.

No kidding?

No, really. I was
just passing by

and decided to drop
in and see what it's like.

Well, does it live up
to your expectations?

Well, I expected to see more
lost, desperate souls sitting around.

Well, desperate souls'
night is Thursday.

All the beer you can
cry into for a buck.

That's very amusing.

Thank you... Where's Diane?

I've never had
hard liquor in my life.

You see, this is my last
day in the secular world.

Tomorrow I'm going
into a monastery.

So this is kind of
like your last fling.

Well, first and last.

All right. I'll give you a drink

but I want you to take it easy,
it kind of sneaks up on you.

You know I once
thought of being a priest.

Oh, your religious?

No, I just thought it'd be a nice,
kind of peaceful life, you know?

Allow me to dispell
ypur misconceptions.

Oh, thank you, father.

Sure I can't get you
something, buzz?

Not yet, Sam.

I came out to warn
you about something.

Me and the boys have got a little
joke to play on each other. You see

first man here always
goes in the back room

strips down to his altogether.

Yeah. Yeah.

Then, he stands on the table

and when the others walk in,

he yells out,

"Lafayette, we are here!"

Well, tonight it's my turn.

Thanks for the warning, buzz.

Oh, Sam, uh...

Could you turn the
heat up just a little bit?

A monk, huh?

Hey does that mean
you have to give up...

Well, as the French
so delicately put it,

the old eh-eh de-eh-eh?

I have to take a
vow of chastity.

I also have to take
a vow of silence.

If you're gonna giving up sex,

might as well give up talking.

What fun is messing around

if you can't tell
the guys about it?

It's no big deal.

I've never had much
luck with girls anyway.

They don't find me attractive.

Oh, hey, kev. You're
an attractive guy.

Diane.

Yeah?

Don't you think he's a specimen?

Uh, well, yes.

He's a very attractive fellow.

Come on. I know I don't
have any sex appeal.

I'm shy and serious-minded,

and the search
goes on for my chin.

Kevin, speaking as a woman,

may I say that it's good
you're going in the monastery.

You could be a
real heartbreaker.

You're not a bambo are you?

No, no.

A bimbo.

Ah.

No. No. It's bimbo.

Not bambo.

And I'm not one.

But you are.

Attractive, Kevin.

Attractive.

What a great girl.

Sam...

Is she taken?

Only with herself.

One drink in four hours.

Is that what they
call nursing it?

No, that's what they call

bringing it back from the dead.

I hate to admit it, but
Carla just got in the book.

Yeah, well I always say, nurse
a drink, starve a bartender.

Excuse me, Sam.

Uh, smite me again, barkeep.

You sure you want
another one of these?

Yes, I'm rather enjoying myself.

Okay, I'll make this
one a little weaker.

No charge for the water.

You needn't worry, Sam.

I know I'm a novice drinker,

but I've only had one, in
all the time I've been here.

I'm not ready for
the lamp shade yet.

Excuse me.

You know something Sam? That
Kevin's going to make a great monk.

He's got a good attitude.

Diane.

Yes.

I want you.

Oh! No! No!

Diane, are you ok?

I'm ok.

I'm fine.

I think I'd like to go
freshen up a little bit.

You ok?

Yeah.

Lafayette, we are here!

Aah!

Oh.

Dribble it.

Here's a little known fact.

Now most of you are
probably under the assumption

that basketball was invented
in these United States, right?

Yeah, James naismith.
Springfield college.

I can see it's a good
I showed up tonight.

Basketball was invented thousands
of years ago by the Mayans.

They played it for centuries.

Is that true?

Sure. Hey, watch me
get the coach on this one.

Hey, coach. I got
a question for you.

Yeah, cliff.

Who invented basketball?

The Mayans.

Way to go, coach.

Where did you hear that?

Well, how should I know?

There must've been the
Mayan in here bragging about it.

Buy' em Sammy, it's
comeback time. Let's go.

Can I have your attention?

Shh.

I've been sitting here
drinking all evening,

and now I have
something important to say.

Yeah, down the
hall and to the left.

First, I'd like to
make a public apology

to the young lady I
insulted earlier this evening.

I lost my head.

Kevin, please
don't worry about it.

Apology accepted.

Second, I'd like
to thank you all

for helping me see the light.

It is clear now that I am
not fit for the monastery.

I succumb too easily to
the pleasures of the flesh.

That's ok. A lot of
that going around.

Don't worry about it.

Tonight has proven
that I belong here,

in a bar, drinking booze
with seedy degenerates

and getting slapped
around by cheap dames.

Kevin, it's our pleasure.

I'm gonna give you

a real man's drink
here. I'ts called coffee.

Coffee? Men drink that?

Men who've had
too much to drink do.

That's it! That's the ball game!

Ok, norm. Pay up.

What do you say, double
or nothing on the highlights?

Sam, any of my squad check in?

Uh, not yet, buzz.

Maybe I won't wait for them.

Send me back a ginger ale.

Sam, I want a drink
that only men drink.

Something that makes women sick.

I'll give you some more coffee.

No, no. I want something
stronger than coffee.

I'll give you
yesterday's coffee.

Kevin, look your going to
have a big day tomorrow.

How are you gonna feel walking
into a monastery with a hangover?

I'm serious, Sam.

I'm not going.

Kevin, you're drunk.

I am?

Believe me I know
what I'm talking about.

What about your calling, Kevin?

Oh, I never had a calling.

I talked myself
into believing that.

I've always been
an ordinary person.

I thought that would
make me special.

This guy discovered forever is a
long time to go between hayrides.

You're gonna turn
your back on god

because of sex?

Believe me.

Sex is not that important.

Oh, please.

Carla, whew!

Well, it's not.

It's not.

Can sex make stars?

Or a tree?

Or a rainbow?

Can sex make an ocean,

or a newborn baby...

Forget that one.

I know just what she means.

I once had a
religious experience

just watching a hummingbird

hovering next to a flower.

It's almost
impossible to imagine

that something could hang

in midair like that for so long.

I guess you never saw
one of my curve balls.

You all think a man can't
change his life in one evening,

but I have.

I want to be a regular guy.

I want to arm-wrestle
and tell crude jokes

and spit on the floor.

And I want to dance with
cheap women. Carla, let's dance.

Put that in your notebook,
I break your fingers.

Kevin... kevin just sit down.

I want to dance, Sam.

I'm having the time of my
life. I don't ever want it to end.

Come on, Kevin.
That doesn't even work.

It doesn't?

Well, then.

[Piano plays]

Thought you said
that thing was broken?

It is. It was.

I mean, it hasn't been
working for 20 years.

Oh, my god.

Kevin, do you realize
what this means?

I've healed the piano?

It's a miracle or something.

Wait a minute.
Miracles don't happen.

Are you sure it was broken?

Yes. The motor was rusted solid.

How could this happen?

Well, maybe something
or somebody's

trying to tell you what
to do with your life.

Get into piano repair.

No, no. Wait. Wait a
minute. Wait a minute.

What are you trying to say?

Well, Kevin, you said
you're an ordinary person.

Maybe you're not.

Maybe you have a direction.

You might as well
try and find out.

Oh, your right.
I've come too far

to let one night in a flesh pot

change my whole life.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Hey, kid.

Oh.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Thank you... Thank you.

Good night, kev... Thank you.

Bye, Kevin.

See you in church.

Boy, that was inspiring.

Sam, are you sure you
didn't get that piano fixed?

I didn't get it fixed?
Did you get it fixed?

Yeah, a couple of days ago, Sam.

I meant to tell you about
it, but it slipped my mind.

Coach, why did you
think it was inspiring

if you got the piano fixed?

Well, gee, Diane.

That piano's been
busted for, what, 20 years?

Why did I, all of a sudden,
decide to have it fixed?

This would make
a great bar story.

Too bad we're all here.

Poor buzz. He's
breaking my heart.

None of his old
buddies showed, huh?

No. He's back there all by
himself, throwing darts. He's

been throwing darts now
for over an hour and a half.

Poor guy.

Yu know, I don't think
they'll ever make a pack

big enough to carry the
loneliness of a soldier.

Nah.

Oh, come on.

Sam.

What do I owe you, Sam?

Nothing, buzz.

The room's on us. Forget it.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, buzz. I was in the army
myself, you know. Fort dix.

Yeah, I served in the
Navy, buzz, in pensacola.

I was in the reserves.

I was never actually in the army

but I did serve in uniform.

I was a brownie.

I won merit badges.

I was in Saint cletus' correctional
institute for wayward girls

we used brownies for firewood.

You know...

Every reunion we've had

has thinned out a little more.

I... I guess this
is the last one.

I guess I'm the last one.

Hey, come on. Maybe they,
uh, maybe they just forgot.

I mean, people tend to get busy,
and make other commitments.

Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe their lives
aren't going so well,

and they just don't want to come down
here and see how great you're doing.

Maybe they never liked ya.

Those guys would
never just forget.

Uh-uh. No.

Not after the things we
went through together.

[Tearfully] No, sir.

I'm going to miss
these reunions.

Wait a minute,
buzz. Wait a minute.

Listen, if all you want is some
buddies to get together with, we're here.

Yeah! Yeah!

We're not old coots like you,
but we feel like we know you.

Intimately.

Look, buzz. Maybe we could
have like a reunion every 10 years.

Why 10? What's wrong
with every year, huh?

Yeah!

How's about every week?

All right!

♪ Mademoiselle
from armentieres ♪

♪ parlez vous

♪ mademoiselle from
armentieres parlez vous ♪

♪ la la la la la la la ♪

♪ hinky dinky parlez vous ♪

every 10 years will be fine.

Ah, come on, pinky.
I'll beat you at darts.

Oh yeah? We'll see about
that. Come on, everybody.

Sam, you don't need
me now, do you?

I've got an early
class in the morning.

No, that's all
right. You can go.

Good. Thanks.

Sam, you know something?

Loneliness is a good thing
to share with someone.

Oh, wow.

Oh.

Oh, wow?

"Somebody."

Could you get my
purse for me, please?

This has been a great day, huh?

How could I have known
when I woke up this morning

that I would meet a
monk and a doughboy?

Two men with one foot in heaven.

Oh, that's good.

Uh, ok... Wait.

Wait a second.

It's not like this is
important to me or anything,

but are you aware

that I'm the only
person in this whole bar

who's not in that book?

Uh... really?

When I played baseball, I mean,
I used to get quoted all the time.

I mean, reporters use
to hang around my locker

just waiting for me to
say something intelligent.

I know the feeling.

Sam!

Come on. That was a joke.

No, you're not joking.

You're telling me that I'm
too dumb to be in that book.

Sam, there are a lot
of people in this book

just as dumb as you are.

Now, look...

I want natural poetry, ok?

I'm writing down spontaneous
statements all day.

You've been trying too hard.

That's all right. Fine.

You know, I don't really want to
be in that stupid, pretentious book

of yours anyway. You've been writing
some pretty stupid stuff in that book.

I mean, I've heard
some of the stuff

you've been writing in
that book and it's stupid.

You know, I mean,
what does a stuffed shirt

know about blue
collar poetry, huh?

That's good.

That's really good.

What does a... Know about...