Cheers (1982–1993): Season 1, Episode 10 - Endless Slumper - full transcript

Excuse me.

I'm here in response to
the ad in the newspaper

about Mrs. Tortelli's children.

Oh, what is she trying
to sell them again?

What?

Never mind. Never mind. Carla!

Yeah, what is it?

There's a lady here to see you.

Oh yeah?

I'm miss gilder.

We spoke earlier
about your ad for a tutor.



Oh, yeah. Have a seat
over there and we'll talk.

I'm taking five!

Ok.

Here are my resume and
references, Mrs. Tortelli.

You will see that I
teach all subjects.

I have a great
deal of experience.

And, if I may say so myself, I
am very highly recommended

by those with whom I've worked.

Forget that.

Have you ever been

in any major
military skirmishes?

What?

It's very important that
you can handle yourself.

Would you stand up?



Give me one.

Give you one what?

Your best shot. Right here.

Coldcock me, honey.

Waste her. Waste her. Let's go.

You don't really
expect me to strike you?

Hey, six bucks an hour.

Great shot!

Sit right down here

and we'll work out the details.

♪ Makin' your way in the world
today takes everything you've got ♪

♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ sure would help a lot

♪ wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you wanna go
where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ and they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ you wanna be where you can see

♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ you wanna go where people know

♪ people are all the same ♪

♪ you wanna go

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪

Afternoon, everybody.

Hey!

Norman.

What's the story, norm?

Thirsty guy walks
into a bar. You finish it.

Norman, you are looking
especially spry today.

Thank you.

As a matter of fact, I
joined a health club today.

Ooh, good for
you. Nice facilities?

Excellent snack bar.

Norm, that's gonna add
years to your life, I'm telling you.

Coach, I felt I had
to do something.

Hey, uh, Sammy. This guy
over here doesn't believe me

about your bar slide.

Would you mind serving one
up just to save my good name.

My pleasure, cliff.

Thank you, Sammy. Let's
clear this garbage out of here.

Clear the runway.

Okay, Sammy. Any
time you're ready.

There you go, sir.

Hit the bricks, pal.

Ok, ok. How do you do it?

Well, that's just one of
my two hidden talents.

The other one is
just as impressive.

But you could hardly
charge a buck for it.

[Telephone rings]

Cheers.

Yeah. Just a sec.

It's for you, Sam.

Give me a second, coach.

I'll put you on hold.

♪ La

♪ la la la la de da da ♪

♪ la la la de da da ♪

thank you, coach.

All the classy joints do that.

Hello. Sam Malone.

Hey. Yeah, of course I know
who you are, Rick Walker.

Well, it's not too crowded.

If you're across the street,

come on over.

Yeah.

Hey, you're in luck, here. A
genuine red sock is on his way over.

No kidding?

Oh, wow.

What are you doing?

Hey, Sam. I don't want a
Boston red sock to come in here

and get a glass with lipstick
on it or crud at the bottom.

Sit up straight, will you?

So, who is it, huh?

Evans?

Rice?

Who, yaz?

You heard of Rick Walker?

He can use that one.

Whoa, Carla.

For five years when that farm
boy was pitching for Detroit

we couldn't win a
game against him.

Then he signs with
the bosox for big bucks,

and now he's leading the
league in early showers.

Carla he's supposed
to be a very nice guy.

Now, I'm just glad not everybody
feels the same way you do about him.

Hi, Sam.

Hey, Rick.

Boo. Boo. Boo.

I'm sorry about that.

That's ok. For
me, this is cordial.

How you doing?

Nice to see you.

Come on. Let's sit over
here and have a little privacy.

Now Sam, I know
it's a little crazy

for a perfect stranger to
come in here asking for advice

but the pitching coach said

you were the one man in
this world who could help me.

Well, I'm flattered.

Yeah, he said if anyone
knows about slumps, it's you.

The legend lives on, huh?

Sam, can I buy you a beer?

No, thanks. I don't
drink anymore.

Oh, yeah. I heard rumors you
used to hit the bottle sometimes.

Well, they're true.

Did you ever drink
during a game?

Never on the mound,
it sets a bad example

for the catchers.

Look, uh... Did
drinking help, Sam?

No. Quite the contrary.

Boo! Hiss!

Hey, how about an early shower?

[Blows raspberry]

Carla, come on.

Ah, that guy's a rag arm.

I'm sorry.

Hey, Sam. Didn't that guy used to
be a pitching coach for the Red Sox?

Yeah. That's Ernie pantuso.

He works here now.
That's a good idea.

Come on, let's ask
him some stuff here.

Coach, I want you
to meet Rick Walker.

Hey, Rick. How are
you? Nice to meet you.

I'll get you a beer.

That'd be great.

Listen, I'm sorry things are
not going good for you out there.

Coach, I just don't know
what I'm doing wrong.

Sam, who is that man?

That's Rick Walker.

He's a relief pitcher
for the Red Sox.

Poor guy's in a slump.
He's going through hell.

You try to get out
of those things,

the worse it gets.

You know what he
needs... Meditation.

Total Serenity.

Well, maybe I could
suggest it to him.

It worked for me.

I used to have this facial tic.

Started meditating,
it went right away.

Really?

Absolutely.

What kind of tic?

Well, it was hardly noticeable.

Come on, let me see it.

No. I got rid of it.

It's a thing of the past.

So, anyway, suggest meditation.

It just might do wonders.

I can see it did
wonders for you, right?

I am a living endorsement.

Gotcha.

Sam, what am I gonna do?

Well, have you ever
thought about meditation?

I tried everything, Sam.

Really?

Please, Sam. Forget
that meditation, will you?

What he needs to do

is beef up his sex life.

You know, see a little bit of
the ladies. Take the edge off.

He's right. Sam here has taken
more edges off than a carpenter.

Listen, Rick. In my day,

there was always a lot
of attractive young dames

outside the stadium
waiting for the ballplayers.

They're still there, coach.

You kidding?

Say hello to Rosie
macgonegal for me, will you?

Different ones are there, coach.

Yeah.

Listen, now, he's been
in baseball for a long time.

Maybe there's something
to this stuff about sex.

No, Sam. Now I appreciate
the suggestion here,

but I just don't think
that's the answer.

Oh, wait. Now wait just
a minute. Don't say that

it's not the answer
until you've tried it...

Diane. Diane...

Excuse me.

My name is Diane.

I have done this for years...

And I'll tell you, I would be
happy to teach you how to do it.

Well, Diane. This is
very kind of you, but...

No, no, no, please. Do me
the favor of trying it with me.

Is she serious?

Oh, yes. She's serious.

She does it all the
time. She just said so.

That's right.

Uh, do you...

Oh, are you kidding? Him?

He'd just make jokes.

Well...

Well, ok, then. Ok.

What time's good for you?

Well, personally I like to get at
least half an hour in before breakfast.

But, um...

Look, any time
is all right with me.

Dog, I like you.

You know, there is
something so beautiful

about experiencing it outdoors.

Don't people stare at you?

Yes, sometimes.

But they end up
learning something.

Sometimes people even join in.

You know, all this talk
has gotten me so excited.

What the hell? Let's do it now.

Outside?

Oh, no. No. It's a little cold,

and I prefer to
take my shoes off.

Sam, could we use
your office, huh?

Wait a minute. I'm sorry,
listen I let this go too...

No, no, no. We don't need
to hear from Mr. Sceptic.

Rick here, is after something,

and I can show him where it is.

[Slap]

You got to start
doing different things.

You got to... I don't know,
maybe discover some little ritualss.

Or, uh, superstitions,

maybe, you know, start
carrying around a lucky charm.

I know that sounds silly.

What you gotta do now
is break up your routine.

Do you have any
superstitions, Sammy?

Well, yeah. I had
one crazy little one.

I never pitched to anybody

named Reggie,
Willie, or the bull.

You did have the
lucky charm, Sam.

Yeah, yeah. I did. That's true.

What was it?

Well it was a a bottle
cap that I found once.

For some reason, I picked it up
and started carrying it around with me.

After a while, I guess I
figured it had something to do

with things going
my way, that's all.

Dog, I sure could
use that bottle cap.

Oh, no. It doesn't
have to be this one.

It could be any bottle
cap really or anything.

Sam, you still have it.

Well, yeah I just
started carrying it around

more as a superstition
than anything else.

Could I borrow that
for a couple of days?

This?

Please, Sam.

Now, this could
mean my whole career.

Well... a couple of
days? Sure. I guess so.

I can't guarantee
that it's going to work.

Hey, Sam, look, I'm desperate.

I'll try anything.

This is great. Thanks a lot.

Yeah. Hey, let me
buy you another beer?

No, thanks. I got practice.

I'll see you in a couple
of days. Thanks a lot.

See you, everybody.

Thanks a lot, so long.

Oh, hey, Rick.

[Making choking sounds]

Hey, Sammy. How about
another beer down here, all right?

Sure.

Sam, I never thought
you'd part with the bottle cap.

Aw, come on, coach.

It's only going to be
for a couple of days.

It's not like it's special
or anything, magical.

Hey, cliffie.

Here you go.

Gee, I hope you haven't
lost your other talent, too.

Did Rick Walker
pitch again last night?

Yeah. He got another save.

Boy, that old bottle cap
comes through again, huh?

That's three saves and two wins

in two weeks,

and all of a sudden,
the whole city of Boston

is in love with that kid.

Yeah. Everybody but Sammy.

Yeah.

Sam and his
pre-scientific notions

of magical bottle cap.

Well, you got to admit,
he's had a lot of bad luck.

And how.

Sorry I'm late.

What is it today, Sam?

Aw. Nothing too exciting, I
locked my keys in the car.

Hey, I won the pool.

Cliff wins it three days
in a row. That's uncanny.

What did you have
yesterday, cliff?

It was scrapes and nicks.

And he cut himself shaving.

The day before that I
had stubbing something.

It still hurts.

Tell me, what do
you like tomorrow?

Uh...

Uh, I see a mine shaft.

Sam, come on. Please
tell me that you don't think

these things are happening

to you because you've
lost your talisman.

Look what's happening to
Rick Walker with that bottle cap.

I mean, he's turning
into a hall of famer.

He was on A.M.
Boston this morning.

No kidding, Sam? What'd he say?

I don't know.

I left my TV set next
to the heater last night.

It exploded.

Were you hurt?

No, no. Luckily I
was unconscious

in my bathtub.

Sam, do you realize

that you are causing
these accidents yourself?

What are you talking about?

Well, you've obviously got
something else on your mind.

You're not concentrating.

So you're making all these
terrible things happen to you.

Sammy, let me have a
Dewar's rocks and a red a wine.

Uh, coach. Listen.

How many games did he win
with that silly thing in his pocket

that he takes it so seriously?

None.

None?

None.

Well if he didn't win any games,

why does he think
it's a good luck charm?

Diane, it had nothing
to do with baseball.

Oh. I knew it. I knew
there was more to this

than what he was
saying. Come on, tell me.

Why is it so important to him?

Please, Diane. I can't tell you.

I'm sorry. I can't.

Come on, coach.
I'm real curious.

Ok. You can ask me
a yes or a no question.

Ok.

One question?

Yes. Sam, would
you take that, please?

Sammy, you grabbed
the coffeepot by the sides.

Yes, I did.

Doesn't it hurt?

Hurt's not the right word.

Hey, did anybody have any
money down on the coffeepot?

Sammy, you've got to
get that bottle cap back.

For the first time in my life,
I'd rather be me than you.

Yeah, Sam. Ask the
kid for the cap, will you?

I mean, he's going good now.

Maybe he's rolling again. He's
got the old confidence back.

Yeah maybe he just
doesn't need it anymore.

Sam, please. Give him
a call. He'll understand.

You think so?

Absolutely. Go on. Right now.

Well, all right. If
you guys insist.

Wait a minute, Sammy.

You can't call him now.

His, uh... Game just
started at Fenway.

Well, I, uh...
Guess you're right.

I can survive nine innings, huh?

With your luck, it'll
go into extra innings.

And that's out number three,

Walker has done it
again. He retires the side.

And we head into the bottom

of the 21st inning.

Perfect.

No kidding. Norm,
is it the 21st inning?

Let's see...

I get 22,

but, uh, this one could
be the national anthem.

Yeah, well. That's a little
bit too much baseball for me.

I'm heading out of here.

Not me, cliffie. I'm
a real Red Sox fan.

I stay to the very last out.

It's closing time, norm. I
can't serve you any more.

It's not like it's the
world series or anything.

Good night... Wake up, Diane.

Cliffie, let's go do
something, huh?

Nah, not tonight, norm. I
gotta be down to the post office

in a few hours, pick up my bag.

I gotta go crawl
into bed with mine.

Well, I think I'll
make it on home, too.

I'll see you tomorrow, Sam.

Come on, Carla.
I'll give you a lift.

No. I don't want to
miss any of the game.

Come on, you can
hear it on the car radio.

How far away is your car?

About a block and a half.

Al right, just... Let's
wait for the right moment.

We now pause 10 seconds...

Throw out your keys!

Which direction?

One block north and
about 1/2 block east.

Or did I take the bus today?

Good night, Diane.

Sam, don't worry about a
thing. It's going to be all right.

Well, I guess I'll
knock off, too. Ok?

Yeah.

Yeah, I could, uh...

I could go to the all-night
bookstore in Cambridge.

Or I could go home and
make myself a cup of tea.

What do you think
I should do, Sam?

Score!

That would have
to be the bookstore.

If it stays clear,
that's a home run!

It's clear and it's gone!

All right!

Oh, the game's over and
my baby's coming home.

Um... may I ask a question?

Uh, could you hold that
question for a minute?

I got a very important
phone call to make here.

You're calling Rick, right?

Yeah, I think that's his name.

Do you have the bull pit number?

No. They'd probably be
in the bunkhouse by now.

Uh, hey, Marty! Yeah
I'ts mayday Malone.

How you doing?

Yeah. Thank you. I'm doing fine.

Listen. Is Walker there?

All right. When he
gets out of the showers,

tell him to call
me here at cheers.

All right? Ok. Thanks.

Ohh.

I, uh... I believe you
had a question there.

Ah, well, I guess it
isn't important now.

It's just that I
know this bottle cap

has nothing to do with baseball,

and I was hoping
that you'd tell me

what it's all about.

I know you've been curious.

I haven't wanted to
tell you the real situation

'cause... You'll
think I'm silly.

Well, would it ease
your mind at all

if I told you I already
think you're silly?

Yeah, that might
help a little bit.

You see, that little bottle
cap keeps me from drinking.

Silly, huh?

You don't hear it
speaking, do you?

Well, nothing beyond an
occasional little small talk.

It is a very little bottle cap.

All right. I'll bite.

How does it keep
you from drinking?

Just out of curiosity.

It's the cap off the
last bottle of beer

I ever drank.

Last anything I ever drank.

I remember holding
onto that bottle cap

during some pretty rough nights.

I'd wake up in the morning

and I'd have its
imprint in my palm.

I mean, it was flat because
I was squeezing it so hard.

When I was tempted
to have a drink,

sometimes I'd look
at the bottle cap,

and it would stop me.

That's a pretty great
little bottle cap, huh?

You want to know
something really crazy?

The last couple of nights
I have really had an urge

to have a drink.

[Telephone rings]

That's probably for you.

Probably.

Listen, uh, thank you.

Thank you for listening.

Oh, well, if I wasn't here,

I'd be at home in bed with
the brothers karamazov.

Don't say it.

Hello.

Hey, Rick, how you doing?

Hey, that's a
pretty terrific win

you got there for yourself.

Yeah. Congratulations.

Listen, uh...

I guess you're kind of back on
the beam now, wouldn't you say?

You know, I was
thinking this afternoon,

you remember I,
uh... Loaned you a...

Bottle cap or something?

Uh, well, it's
gonna sound funny,

but I'm kind of missing
that dumb thing.

You did?

Why didn't you
tell me that, Rick?

No. No, that's all right.

No, never mind.

What's wrong?

He, uh, lost it a week
ago in Kansas City.

He was putting off
telling me about it.

Kansas City!

One town I've always
wanted to see, huh?

We'll jump on a plane...

Oh, well...

What's the difference?

Easy come, easy go, huh?

Come on, Sam, let's get on.

Go home.

I'll tell you what, even better,

let's just talk, you know?

Well, uh... What are
you going to tell me

that I haven't heard
a hundred times, huh?

Oh, come on, Sam.

It's important that you
not be here tonight.

[Crash]

You don't want to be in a bar.

Where am I going
to be tomorrow night?

And the next? And
the day after that, huh?

I'm going to be in a bar, right?

But you're going to
feel better tomorrow.

No. No. I'm going
to feel better tonight.

Here's an idea.

Why don't you
watch me get drunk?

I'll get real sick.

Sam, no.

Don't. Just don't.

I guess I, uh, gave the
wrong one to Rick, huh?

Aw Diane, I'm sorry.
Are you all right?

Yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine.

I knew you could do it.
I knew you could do it.

You're, uh...