Cheers (1982–1993): Season 1, Episode 1 - Give Me a Ring Sometime - full transcript
Diane Chambers makes her home at Cheers when her fiancé leaves her.
How about a beer, chief?
How about an I.D.?
An I.D.?
That's very flattering.
Wait till I tell the missis.
Ah, military I.D.
"First sergeant Walter
Keller, born 1944."
That makes you 38.
Must have fought in Vietnam.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
What was it like?
It was gross.
Yeah. That's what they say.
War is gross.
I'm sorry, soldier.
This is the thanks we get.
♪ Makin' your way in the world
today, takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and there always glad you came
♪ you wanna be where you can see
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be
♪ where everybody
knows your name
♪ you wanna go where people know
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
Sumner, this is crazy.
Diane, we're
about to be married.
Married! Congratulations!
Why don't we
celebrate with a drink?
I think not.
I give it six months.
Perhaps we won't
have children right away.
Come on. Let's sit here.
Sumner, now, we
have a plane to catch.
Dianne, if we're
going to be married,
I insist you have
my grandmother's
antique old wedding ring.
Didn't you say that ring
still on your ex-wife's finger?
I don't need it.
You're enough for me.
True, but symbols are important.
Just let me call Barbara
and see if she's home.
Ah, the phone's back here.
As long as we're here, let's
celebrate with some champagne.
[Telephone rings]
[Ring]
[Ring]
Hello?
Sam?
Are you Sam?
Yes.
Yes, he's here.
Someone named Vicki.
No, no, no, no.
No. She knows you're here.
I told her you're here.
Now, look.
I'm sorry. I was wrong.
He had to step out.
Where?
Well, uh, I think
what happened is...
He, uh, he had to...
He had to go to mime class.
Yes. Yes, I'll take a message.
You're welcome.
Well?
You're "a magnificent
pagan beast."
Thanks. What's the message?
Now, listen. I
didn't like doing that.
I'm sorry. If I didn't own this
place, I'd fire me on the spot.
Tell you what. For lying for
me, I'll buy your first drink.
Oh, I'd like a bottle of
your best champagne.
It wasn't that great a lie.
No, no. We'll pay for it.
We're on our way to get married.
Oh, well. Hey, then this
is on me. Congratulations.
Good news, Barbara was home
and she said I could come over.
Ah, well. Do you want
me to go with you?
No. It could get
a trifle sticky.
Besides, if she saw
the dazzling beauty
who's about to succeed her,
it would break her
heart all over again.
Oh, Sumner. I'm not beautiful.
Blasphemy.
So where's the
ceremony going to be?
We're getting married
tomorrow in Barbados.
Oh, hey. Nice.
I'm Dr. Sumner Sloane,
professor of world
literature at b.U.
He has an article in
the current Harper's.
Ah.
Diane's been my teaching
assistant for almost two years.
Today I was sitting in
my office with Diane.
I looked up from my proust.
She had her nose in her Yates.
And I said to myself
I would be crazy to let
this girl get out of my life.
So right there on the spot,
I said, "let's get married."
What he actually said was,
"come with me and be my love,
and we will some
new pleasures prove."
That's donne.
I certainly hope so.
No. Uh, no.
John donne, the poet.
Ah. Well, that's lovely.
Listen, I must dash.
I'll be back in 10 minutes.
Excuse me, what's your name?
Uh, Sam.
Listen, Sam, old man.
I have an errand to run.
Diane is going to stay here.
I'd appreciate it if you
would keep an eye on her.
For you, Sumner, old man.
I'll keep both my eyes on her.
Sumner, am I stupid to
let you go see a woman
you were once in love with?
Oh, my darling. I'm
leaving you alone in a bar.
Which one of us
is stupider, Sam?
Too close to call.
In any case, you sit
over here at the bar
and you chat with
Sam while I'm gone.
I'll be back before you know
it with your wedding ring.
That's quite a
fella, your fiancé.
Listen, uh, you don't have to
make conversation with me.
Nothing personal, but I'm not in
the habit of talking with bartenders.
I understand. One's trying to
move into my neighborhood.
You call that a football team?
What's wrong, coach?
What's wrong? The
patriots did it again.
This is going to be
the worst draft yet.
They got a first
round pick, right Sam.
Did they get a Jack
rabbit for the backfield?
No! A gunslinger
at quarterback? No!
A linebacker they
get, Sam, a linebacker.
I don't know, coach. I've seen a good
linebacker turn a whole team around.
Yeah. Me, too.
Oh, hi.
Hello.
I hope nobody told you
the bus goes by here.
No. She's going to be
sitting here for a while.
Excuse me. I hate to keep
asking for special attention,
but could you not
discuss my private life
with everyone that comes in?
What would you
like me to tell them?
I don't care.
She's a hooker.
Thank you.
Don't mention it.
Carla's late again.
Aw, nuts.
O.k., I'm late!
My kid was throwing
up all over the place!
If you don't buy that
excuse, I'm quitting!
Cause I don't work for a man
with no compassion for my children!
And it doesn't look like
your exactly swamped here!
I'm usually very punctual!
If you don't like it, that's fine
because, this ain't such
a great job to begin with!
I'm gonna change!
Think I was too hard on her?
Hey. Hi, coach.
Hi, Carla.
Hey, the patriots finally got the
linebacker that they needed, huh?
What are you nuts? They're
up to their ears in linebackers.
You know, that's true.
They do have a lot of
linebackers over there.
Whoa!
I love to see a
woman who isn't afraid
to take her luggage
out for a drink.
Carla, she doesn't
want to be disturbed.
Oh, well. Tell
her nibs I'm sorry.
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm!
How are you doing,
norm? What do you know?
Not enough.
Hey, coach. What do you
think of the patriots' draft, huh?
Forget it, norm. They need
linebackers like I need antlers.
Yeah? I say that new linebacker's
going to put them in the super bowl.
You know, he'll
probably do that.
Gee, I've got an awful
headache, all of a sudden.
Sox lost again today, Sam.
Sure could have used you
coming out of the pen buddy.
Not in the shape I'm in, norm.
Aw.
Yo, miss.
Wouldn't you love
to see Sammy there
flinging the old
horsehide again?
Flinging what?
Don't you know who this is?
He use to be one of the
best pitchers in baseball.
Samuel "mayday" Malone.
I coached this kid
down in pawtucket in
double a ball, and up
here with the Red Sox.
He was one of the best
relievers ever to play the game.
Take it easy, coach.
No, I mean it. He was the very
best, as sure as the earth is round.
You don't believe that, coach.
No, I never used to believe it
Sam, till I saw those pictures
from the space shuttle.
You know, Sam once struck out
cash, kaline, and freehan
with the tying run on second.
Oh.
How long is the wimp
convention in town?
Carla, heel.
Well, if you were so good,
why aren't you still playing?
I developed an elbow problem.
I bent it too much.
You were a drunk?
Are you kidding?
He was a great drunk!
Anything that kid
did, it was great!
I was not a great drunk.
I was a good drunk.
Are you drunk now?
No. I haven't had a
drink in over three years.
I for one am proud
you licked it, Sammy.
Must have been hell.
Why do you own a bar?
I bought it when I was a drunk.
And I held on to it for
sentimental reasons.
Yo, miss.
What you reading, a book?
Excuse me.
Where is your bathroom?
Next to my bedroom.
Down the hall.
Oh.
So, what's goldilock'
s story, huh?
Never mind.
Aw, come on, Sam.
Why can't you tell us, huh?
Yeah, come on.
What's the big deal?
Take it easy, will you?
Sam's kinda shy
about this sort of thing.
So I'll fill you in.
She's a hooker.
She's not a hooker.
Well, no. She's
not a hooker, Sam,
in the traditional sense.
No, she's not a hooker at all.
She's the finest lady I've met.
My head is killing me.
Look...
Look, she does not
want to be bothered.
She's waiting for her fiancé.
They're going down
to the Caribbean tonight
to get married. O.K.?
They missed you.
Another beer, norm?
Well, yeah. One
more quick one, coach.
Thanks.
He's not back yet?
No.
Why don't you make a run for it?
You're a bitter little
person, aren't you?
Yeah. Well, I
have a right to be.
My husband left
me with four kids.
Four kids?
That's right,
and after I paid his way
through school, hustling drinks.
What school did
your husband go to?
The colletti academy...
Of TV repair.
So the minute he
graduated, he left me.
Said I wouldn't fit in with
the other repairmen's wives.
Big shot!
He sounds like a cur.
Yeah.
Well, he's not all bad.
He still fixes my set
and only bills me for parts.
[Telephone rings]
If it's my missis,
I'm on my way.
Cheers. Yeah, just a second.
Is there an Ernie pantuso here?
That's you, coach.
Speaking.
I'd like two drafts and
a scotch on the rocks.
You know, there's
a group over there
arguing about the
sweatiest movie ever made.
The what?
What movie did people
sweat the most in?
That's easy. Rocky ii!
No, no. Not even close.
Body heat!
Sweat city.
Ben hur.
The the boys in that
galley sweat like pigs.
No, no, alien. Alien! Buckets.
This is the night
before my wedding,
and I'm in the middle
of a sweat contest.
Hey, uh, speaking of sweat,
here's a little-known fact.
Women have fewer
sweat glands than men,
but they're larger
and more active.
Oh, the human body, huh?
Yeah, but see,
consequently they,
uh, sweat more.
Really?
Sure.
Uh, how about you, miss?
Uh, what are your
perspiration patterns?
Oh, Sumner. I'm
so glad to see you.
I've been sitting here
listening to these men
argue over the sweatiest
movie ever made.
Cool hand Luke.
Hey, that's the one!
What happened to you?
You said 10 minutes.
It's been over an hour.
Diane, that woman
is extraordinary.
Did she give you the ring?
I couldn't take it.
We've got a plane
to catch, right?
Diane, I love you,
but when I was with Barbara
just now, something
stirred inside me.
Well we can talk about it
on the flight to Barbados.
I can't fly to Barbados
when I'm this confused.
Sumner, it's ok. The
pilot knows the way.
Oh, I love your wit.
Oh, you're a beautiful child.
Let's go to Barbados.
Let's go to Barbados.
[Telephone rings]
Who isn't here?
Me! Me! Me! Me!
Cheers.
Uh, just a minute.
Hey, hey!
If you're not, I apologize,
but is your name Sumner Sloane?
Yes, it is.
Hello.
No, no, no. It's all right.
She understands,
and I understand.
Oh, Barbara, that's
very human of you.
I'll be right over.
And, Barbara, your
depth frightens me.
She insists that
you have the ring.
Sumner, we won't have
time to catch our flight.
Well you call and
get us a later flight.
I'll go now and get
the ring from Barbara.
Sumner?
Yes?
How about a kiss?
Maybe. I'll play it by ear.
Hey, cheer up, cookie.
He may have been in an accident.
I'm knocking off, Sam.
Home to my book.
Still working on that
novel, huh, coach?
Yeah. Going on six years now.
I just got a feeling I
might finish it tonight.
You're writing a novel?
No. Reading one.
Wait a second, coach. I
want you to take norm home.
Norm! Norm!
I'm up. I'm up.
One quick one, then
I've really got to fly.
I'm going to have
coach take you home.
Come on. I'll give you a lift.
All right. Thanks.
Good night, Sam.
Hey, coach. If we stop
somewhere, I'll buy you a beer.
Norm, you're in
here every night.
Doesn't your wife ever
wonder where your at.
She wonders.
She doesn't care.
Night, Sam.
Thanks for letting
me bend your ear.
It's o.K., Ron. Good night.
Well, you must get real tired
of hearing people
cry in their beer, huh?
It's kind of sad, isn't it?
Yeah.
These poor wretches
with no one in
the world to turn to
but some stranger
who mixes drinks.
I met Sumner two years ago.
I was so flattered
when he actually
went out of his way
to pick me as his
teaching assistant.
I'm still kind of in
awe of him, you know.
He's the most brilliant
man I've ever known.
For the last two years,
he's been the most
important thing in my life
and now I may be losing him.
Oh, hey, come on.
Look, you are a very
attractive young lady.
Thank you.
Yeah. Sure.
Look, you're going
to find someone
a lot better for yourself
than that goofy professor.
Goofy?
Are you talking about Sumner?
I'm talking about Sumner.
You don't like Sumner.
I don't like Sumner.
You know why you
don't like Sumner?
Because he's goofy.
No.
Because he's
everything you're not.
He's well-bred.
He's highly educated.
He's distinguished.
He's urbane.
You left out goofy.
I did not leave out goofy.
You were coming to it?
I should have expected this.
That goof will be
on the cover of
Saturday review someday.
That goof is probably going to be
on a beach in Barbados tomorrow
morning, rubbing
suntan oil on his ex-wife.
I've had a real rough day,
and I'm now going
to reward myself
by getting out of here.
When Sumner comes back,
will you tell him I've gone home.
Fine.
I forgot to change
the reservations again.
Use this one.
Thank you.
Uh... yes, I'd like to
change the reservations
for Mr. and Mrs. Sumner Sloane,
flight 481 to Barbados.
They did?
Are you... are you sure?
Uh... no, thank you.
I'm sorry.
How did you know?
Bartender's intuition.
What a shame such an
astute observer of human nature
is stuck behind a bar.
That's what I think.
Well, why don't you bring
your remarkable powers to bear
and enlighten me as
to what my future holds?
I'm probably
going to regret this,
but you could... Work here.
Sam.
Shut up for a second, will you?
I need, uh... I need
two vodka gimlets.
One straight up,
one blended, rocks.
Chivas rocks, soda.
A comfort Manhattan,
hold the cherry.
A white wine
spritzer with a twist.
One old bushmill Irish
decaf, hold the sugar.
What makes you think
that I would work
in a place like this?
Simple really... You can't go
back to the professor for work.
I need a waitress.
You need a job.
You like the people here.
You think that they like you.
And the phrase,
"magnificent mind."
Now, look, buster.
I do need a job,
and I'll find one.
And you can bet that it
won't be waiting tables.
What are you qualified to do?
Nothing.
But somewhere there is
a job that I'm perfect for,
that's perfect for me.
I'll find it.
And when I do, I'll know it.
Carla, what am I making?
Two vodka gimlets.
One straight up,
one blended, rocks.
One chivas rocks, soda.
A comfort Manhattan,
hold the cherry.
A white wine
spritzer, with a twist.
One old bushmill Irish decaf,
hold the sugar.
Your first customers.
Wish me luck.
Luck.
Hello. Welcome to cheers.
My name is Diane. I'll 'rv you.
Why not sit down over here?
I should tell you
parenthetically
that you're the first people
that I've ever served.
If anyone had told me a week ago
that I'd be doing this,
I would have
thought them insane.
When Sam offered me the job,
I laughed in his face.
But then it occurred to me...
Here I am. I'm a student...
Not just in an academic sense,
but a student of life,
and where better than here
to study life in all
its many facets?
People meet in bars.
They part.
They rejoice.
They suffer.
They come here to
be with their own kind.
What can I get you?
[German accent]
"Where is police?
We have lost our luggage."
How about an I.D.?
An I.D.?
That's very flattering.
Wait till I tell the missis.
Ah, military I.D.
"First sergeant Walter
Keller, born 1944."
That makes you 38.
Must have fought in Vietnam.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
What was it like?
It was gross.
Yeah. That's what they say.
War is gross.
I'm sorry, soldier.
This is the thanks we get.
♪ Makin' your way in the world
today, takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you
like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ and there always glad you came
♪ you wanna be where you can see
♪ our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be
♪ where everybody
knows your name
♪ you wanna go where people know
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go
♪ where everybody
knows your name ♪
Sumner, this is crazy.
Diane, we're
about to be married.
Married! Congratulations!
Why don't we
celebrate with a drink?
I think not.
I give it six months.
Perhaps we won't
have children right away.
Come on. Let's sit here.
Sumner, now, we
have a plane to catch.
Dianne, if we're
going to be married,
I insist you have
my grandmother's
antique old wedding ring.
Didn't you say that ring
still on your ex-wife's finger?
I don't need it.
You're enough for me.
True, but symbols are important.
Just let me call Barbara
and see if she's home.
Ah, the phone's back here.
As long as we're here, let's
celebrate with some champagne.
[Telephone rings]
[Ring]
[Ring]
Hello?
Sam?
Are you Sam?
Yes.
Yes, he's here.
Someone named Vicki.
No, no, no, no.
No. She knows you're here.
I told her you're here.
Now, look.
I'm sorry. I was wrong.
He had to step out.
Where?
Well, uh, I think
what happened is...
He, uh, he had to...
He had to go to mime class.
Yes. Yes, I'll take a message.
You're welcome.
Well?
You're "a magnificent
pagan beast."
Thanks. What's the message?
Now, listen. I
didn't like doing that.
I'm sorry. If I didn't own this
place, I'd fire me on the spot.
Tell you what. For lying for
me, I'll buy your first drink.
Oh, I'd like a bottle of
your best champagne.
It wasn't that great a lie.
No, no. We'll pay for it.
We're on our way to get married.
Oh, well. Hey, then this
is on me. Congratulations.
Good news, Barbara was home
and she said I could come over.
Ah, well. Do you want
me to go with you?
No. It could get
a trifle sticky.
Besides, if she saw
the dazzling beauty
who's about to succeed her,
it would break her
heart all over again.
Oh, Sumner. I'm not beautiful.
Blasphemy.
So where's the
ceremony going to be?
We're getting married
tomorrow in Barbados.
Oh, hey. Nice.
I'm Dr. Sumner Sloane,
professor of world
literature at b.U.
He has an article in
the current Harper's.
Ah.
Diane's been my teaching
assistant for almost two years.
Today I was sitting in
my office with Diane.
I looked up from my proust.
She had her nose in her Yates.
And I said to myself
I would be crazy to let
this girl get out of my life.
So right there on the spot,
I said, "let's get married."
What he actually said was,
"come with me and be my love,
and we will some
new pleasures prove."
That's donne.
I certainly hope so.
No. Uh, no.
John donne, the poet.
Ah. Well, that's lovely.
Listen, I must dash.
I'll be back in 10 minutes.
Excuse me, what's your name?
Uh, Sam.
Listen, Sam, old man.
I have an errand to run.
Diane is going to stay here.
I'd appreciate it if you
would keep an eye on her.
For you, Sumner, old man.
I'll keep both my eyes on her.
Sumner, am I stupid to
let you go see a woman
you were once in love with?
Oh, my darling. I'm
leaving you alone in a bar.
Which one of us
is stupider, Sam?
Too close to call.
In any case, you sit
over here at the bar
and you chat with
Sam while I'm gone.
I'll be back before you know
it with your wedding ring.
That's quite a
fella, your fiancé.
Listen, uh, you don't have to
make conversation with me.
Nothing personal, but I'm not in
the habit of talking with bartenders.
I understand. One's trying to
move into my neighborhood.
You call that a football team?
What's wrong, coach?
What's wrong? The
patriots did it again.
This is going to be
the worst draft yet.
They got a first
round pick, right Sam.
Did they get a Jack
rabbit for the backfield?
No! A gunslinger
at quarterback? No!
A linebacker they
get, Sam, a linebacker.
I don't know, coach. I've seen a good
linebacker turn a whole team around.
Yeah. Me, too.
Oh, hi.
Hello.
I hope nobody told you
the bus goes by here.
No. She's going to be
sitting here for a while.
Excuse me. I hate to keep
asking for special attention,
but could you not
discuss my private life
with everyone that comes in?
What would you
like me to tell them?
I don't care.
She's a hooker.
Thank you.
Don't mention it.
Carla's late again.
Aw, nuts.
O.k., I'm late!
My kid was throwing
up all over the place!
If you don't buy that
excuse, I'm quitting!
Cause I don't work for a man
with no compassion for my children!
And it doesn't look like
your exactly swamped here!
I'm usually very punctual!
If you don't like it, that's fine
because, this ain't such
a great job to begin with!
I'm gonna change!
Think I was too hard on her?
Hey. Hi, coach.
Hi, Carla.
Hey, the patriots finally got the
linebacker that they needed, huh?
What are you nuts? They're
up to their ears in linebackers.
You know, that's true.
They do have a lot of
linebackers over there.
Whoa!
I love to see a
woman who isn't afraid
to take her luggage
out for a drink.
Carla, she doesn't
want to be disturbed.
Oh, well. Tell
her nibs I'm sorry.
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm!
How are you doing,
norm? What do you know?
Not enough.
Hey, coach. What do you
think of the patriots' draft, huh?
Forget it, norm. They need
linebackers like I need antlers.
Yeah? I say that new linebacker's
going to put them in the super bowl.
You know, he'll
probably do that.
Gee, I've got an awful
headache, all of a sudden.
Sox lost again today, Sam.
Sure could have used you
coming out of the pen buddy.
Not in the shape I'm in, norm.
Aw.
Yo, miss.
Wouldn't you love
to see Sammy there
flinging the old
horsehide again?
Flinging what?
Don't you know who this is?
He use to be one of the
best pitchers in baseball.
Samuel "mayday" Malone.
I coached this kid
down in pawtucket in
double a ball, and up
here with the Red Sox.
He was one of the best
relievers ever to play the game.
Take it easy, coach.
No, I mean it. He was the very
best, as sure as the earth is round.
You don't believe that, coach.
No, I never used to believe it
Sam, till I saw those pictures
from the space shuttle.
You know, Sam once struck out
cash, kaline, and freehan
with the tying run on second.
Oh.
How long is the wimp
convention in town?
Carla, heel.
Well, if you were so good,
why aren't you still playing?
I developed an elbow problem.
I bent it too much.
You were a drunk?
Are you kidding?
He was a great drunk!
Anything that kid
did, it was great!
I was not a great drunk.
I was a good drunk.
Are you drunk now?
No. I haven't had a
drink in over three years.
I for one am proud
you licked it, Sammy.
Must have been hell.
Why do you own a bar?
I bought it when I was a drunk.
And I held on to it for
sentimental reasons.
Yo, miss.
What you reading, a book?
Excuse me.
Where is your bathroom?
Next to my bedroom.
Down the hall.
Oh.
So, what's goldilock'
s story, huh?
Never mind.
Aw, come on, Sam.
Why can't you tell us, huh?
Yeah, come on.
What's the big deal?
Take it easy, will you?
Sam's kinda shy
about this sort of thing.
So I'll fill you in.
She's a hooker.
She's not a hooker.
Well, no. She's
not a hooker, Sam,
in the traditional sense.
No, she's not a hooker at all.
She's the finest lady I've met.
My head is killing me.
Look...
Look, she does not
want to be bothered.
She's waiting for her fiancé.
They're going down
to the Caribbean tonight
to get married. O.K.?
They missed you.
Another beer, norm?
Well, yeah. One
more quick one, coach.
Thanks.
He's not back yet?
No.
Why don't you make a run for it?
You're a bitter little
person, aren't you?
Yeah. Well, I
have a right to be.
My husband left
me with four kids.
Four kids?
That's right,
and after I paid his way
through school, hustling drinks.
What school did
your husband go to?
The colletti academy...
Of TV repair.
So the minute he
graduated, he left me.
Said I wouldn't fit in with
the other repairmen's wives.
Big shot!
He sounds like a cur.
Yeah.
Well, he's not all bad.
He still fixes my set
and only bills me for parts.
[Telephone rings]
If it's my missis,
I'm on my way.
Cheers. Yeah, just a second.
Is there an Ernie pantuso here?
That's you, coach.
Speaking.
I'd like two drafts and
a scotch on the rocks.
You know, there's
a group over there
arguing about the
sweatiest movie ever made.
The what?
What movie did people
sweat the most in?
That's easy. Rocky ii!
No, no. Not even close.
Body heat!
Sweat city.
Ben hur.
The the boys in that
galley sweat like pigs.
No, no, alien. Alien! Buckets.
This is the night
before my wedding,
and I'm in the middle
of a sweat contest.
Hey, uh, speaking of sweat,
here's a little-known fact.
Women have fewer
sweat glands than men,
but they're larger
and more active.
Oh, the human body, huh?
Yeah, but see,
consequently they,
uh, sweat more.
Really?
Sure.
Uh, how about you, miss?
Uh, what are your
perspiration patterns?
Oh, Sumner. I'm
so glad to see you.
I've been sitting here
listening to these men
argue over the sweatiest
movie ever made.
Cool hand Luke.
Hey, that's the one!
What happened to you?
You said 10 minutes.
It's been over an hour.
Diane, that woman
is extraordinary.
Did she give you the ring?
I couldn't take it.
We've got a plane
to catch, right?
Diane, I love you,
but when I was with Barbara
just now, something
stirred inside me.
Well we can talk about it
on the flight to Barbados.
I can't fly to Barbados
when I'm this confused.
Sumner, it's ok. The
pilot knows the way.
Oh, I love your wit.
Oh, you're a beautiful child.
Let's go to Barbados.
Let's go to Barbados.
[Telephone rings]
Who isn't here?
Me! Me! Me! Me!
Cheers.
Uh, just a minute.
Hey, hey!
If you're not, I apologize,
but is your name Sumner Sloane?
Yes, it is.
Hello.
No, no, no. It's all right.
She understands,
and I understand.
Oh, Barbara, that's
very human of you.
I'll be right over.
And, Barbara, your
depth frightens me.
She insists that
you have the ring.
Sumner, we won't have
time to catch our flight.
Well you call and
get us a later flight.
I'll go now and get
the ring from Barbara.
Sumner?
Yes?
How about a kiss?
Maybe. I'll play it by ear.
Hey, cheer up, cookie.
He may have been in an accident.
I'm knocking off, Sam.
Home to my book.
Still working on that
novel, huh, coach?
Yeah. Going on six years now.
I just got a feeling I
might finish it tonight.
You're writing a novel?
No. Reading one.
Wait a second, coach. I
want you to take norm home.
Norm! Norm!
I'm up. I'm up.
One quick one, then
I've really got to fly.
I'm going to have
coach take you home.
Come on. I'll give you a lift.
All right. Thanks.
Good night, Sam.
Hey, coach. If we stop
somewhere, I'll buy you a beer.
Norm, you're in
here every night.
Doesn't your wife ever
wonder where your at.
She wonders.
She doesn't care.
Night, Sam.
Thanks for letting
me bend your ear.
It's o.K., Ron. Good night.
Well, you must get real tired
of hearing people
cry in their beer, huh?
It's kind of sad, isn't it?
Yeah.
These poor wretches
with no one in
the world to turn to
but some stranger
who mixes drinks.
I met Sumner two years ago.
I was so flattered
when he actually
went out of his way
to pick me as his
teaching assistant.
I'm still kind of in
awe of him, you know.
He's the most brilliant
man I've ever known.
For the last two years,
he's been the most
important thing in my life
and now I may be losing him.
Oh, hey, come on.
Look, you are a very
attractive young lady.
Thank you.
Yeah. Sure.
Look, you're going
to find someone
a lot better for yourself
than that goofy professor.
Goofy?
Are you talking about Sumner?
I'm talking about Sumner.
You don't like Sumner.
I don't like Sumner.
You know why you
don't like Sumner?
Because he's goofy.
No.
Because he's
everything you're not.
He's well-bred.
He's highly educated.
He's distinguished.
He's urbane.
You left out goofy.
I did not leave out goofy.
You were coming to it?
I should have expected this.
That goof will be
on the cover of
Saturday review someday.
That goof is probably going to be
on a beach in Barbados tomorrow
morning, rubbing
suntan oil on his ex-wife.
I've had a real rough day,
and I'm now going
to reward myself
by getting out of here.
When Sumner comes back,
will you tell him I've gone home.
Fine.
I forgot to change
the reservations again.
Use this one.
Thank you.
Uh... yes, I'd like to
change the reservations
for Mr. and Mrs. Sumner Sloane,
flight 481 to Barbados.
They did?
Are you... are you sure?
Uh... no, thank you.
I'm sorry.
How did you know?
Bartender's intuition.
What a shame such an
astute observer of human nature
is stuck behind a bar.
That's what I think.
Well, why don't you bring
your remarkable powers to bear
and enlighten me as
to what my future holds?
I'm probably
going to regret this,
but you could... Work here.
Sam.
Shut up for a second, will you?
I need, uh... I need
two vodka gimlets.
One straight up,
one blended, rocks.
Chivas rocks, soda.
A comfort Manhattan,
hold the cherry.
A white wine
spritzer with a twist.
One old bushmill Irish
decaf, hold the sugar.
What makes you think
that I would work
in a place like this?
Simple really... You can't go
back to the professor for work.
I need a waitress.
You need a job.
You like the people here.
You think that they like you.
And the phrase,
"magnificent mind."
Now, look, buster.
I do need a job,
and I'll find one.
And you can bet that it
won't be waiting tables.
What are you qualified to do?
Nothing.
But somewhere there is
a job that I'm perfect for,
that's perfect for me.
I'll find it.
And when I do, I'll know it.
Carla, what am I making?
Two vodka gimlets.
One straight up,
one blended, rocks.
One chivas rocks, soda.
A comfort Manhattan,
hold the cherry.
A white wine
spritzer, with a twist.
One old bushmill Irish decaf,
hold the sugar.
Your first customers.
Wish me luck.
Luck.
Hello. Welcome to cheers.
My name is Diane. I'll 'rv you.
Why not sit down over here?
I should tell you
parenthetically
that you're the first people
that I've ever served.
If anyone had told me a week ago
that I'd be doing this,
I would have
thought them insane.
When Sam offered me the job,
I laughed in his face.
But then it occurred to me...
Here I am. I'm a student...
Not just in an academic sense,
but a student of life,
and where better than here
to study life in all
its many facets?
People meet in bars.
They part.
They rejoice.
They suffer.
They come here to
be with their own kind.
What can I get you?
[German accent]
"Where is police?
We have lost our luggage."