Charmed (1998–2006): Season 2, Episode 18 - Chick Flick - full transcript

So I think I'll call this

Woman Pretending Not
to Look Out the Window.

How about Girl About to Pour Hot Tea
On Sister's Head? Let me see.

Either I'm that transparent,
or you're that good.

Well, I don't think I'll comment, since
you do have hot liquid over my head.

I'm sorry, I just...
I was watching Dan come home alone,

and I think a more appropriate title
for that photo would be

Witch With a Severe Case
of the Guilts.

I mean, he was a nice guy
who did nothing wrong and...

Piper, you had to end the relationship,
all right? Your heart wasn't in it.

And it was the only way
not to break his.



I know, I just feel like Dan
got the short end of the stick.

There are so many ways that
I can go with that, but I think I'll just...

Thank you.

Besides, you shouldn't be worried
about your past

when your future is in town tonight
for dinner and a movie.

I know, I know, I know.

My first real date with Leo
as a normal couple.

And normal couples usually shower
before their dates, so I'll see you later.

Okay.

- Hi, doody.
- Hi, doody.

Hey.

Someone's in a good mood.

- What's his name?
- Billy.

- Phoebe, you didn't.
- What?



You went to go see
Kill It Before It Dies

at the revival house, didn't you?

No. Why would you think that l...?

Okay, I did. But you know what?
It was research.

What kind of class
sends you to movies?

No, not for school, for me.

If I'm supposed to figure out
what I want from a guy,

I might as well start with the first guy
I fell for, don't you think?

Billy is the ideal man.

He's a character in a movie.

One that, I might add,
you weren't even supposed to watch.

When I was 12.

I think after a year and a half
of battling monsters,

I can handle a scary movie.

Did I mention Billy
is the perfect man?

Once or twice.

I will get that.

- Can I help you?
- Pheebs, who is it?

- Get up, you miserable witch.
- Hey.

If you don't have anything
nice to say...

And then there were two.

- You okay?
- Oh, sure.

Come on, come on, come on.

All right, who took my loofa?

Billy? Billy?

I cannot believe
that they made us pay.

Sorry.

He's gotta be hiding
in here somewhere.

Do you think you might keep it down?
This is my favourite part.

Oh, mine too. This is when
Billy comes on, and then they're...

Pheebs, we need a spell.

But we know nothing
about this guy.

I can't just whip one up...

Oh, he's making a break for it.

Evil that has travelled near
I call on you to disappear

Elementals hear my call

Remove this creature
From these walls

That was the coolest thing
I've ever seen.

It's all part of the show, sir.

I cannot believe that that just worked.
It seemed too easy.

Wow, we are getting way too tough
for these guys.

No, no. No.

How am I supposed to know
what his deal is?

He likes moonlit walks,
thinks holding hands is underrated

and enjoys, in his spare time,
killing witches.

It was a question for the room,
Pheebs.

When a demon makes a house call,
my curiosity gets piqued.

Yeah, well,
the house is a mess again.

I mean, how come we can't
fight the demon of cleanliness

or the demon of housekeeping

or even that really big bald guy,
Mr Clean?

I would so totally take him on.

What I don't get
is the order of things.

I mean, don't we usually start
someplace dark and dreary

and then end up at the manor
for the big old vanquish?

Wait a minute.
He followed me home.

I knew I recognized him
from somewhere.

He was at the movies,
and then he followed me home.

Yeah, well, he had a reason
to attack us,

so he would have found us
sooner or later.

But the question is, why? I mean,
we usually don't vanquish someone

without knowing who,
what, where, when...

Well, what about the how? How did
you know how to vanquish him?

Well, remember the spell
that we used for the bunyip?

Well, I just combined that with
the one for the demon with the horn

- coming out of his...
- Forehead?

Nice work.
I wish they all went this smoothly.

- You have one message, 8:23 p.m.
- Oh, my God, I'm late.

I'm so late. I have to get ready.
Here, take this.

- I'll help when I come back, but Leo...
- Go.

- How's the date so far?
- Oh, it just got better.

You can do your homework,
pick the right restaurant,

the perfect wine, waiting and chilled,
but it helps if you show up. I'm sorry.

It's all right, you're here now.

- What?
- Nothing.

It's just this guy,
a warlock or demon or something,

burst into the house, and somehow
Phoebe managed to vanquish him,

but we still don't know who he was.
Something just feels off.

I'm sorry. No work talk, we promised.

It's all right. You're the one who
wanted to keep tonight magic-free.

- I'm okay with it.
- Wanna start over?

Okay.

Pardon me?

Oh, I hope you don't mind.
I got the munchies.

- No, not at all.
- And for you.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

There's no salt.
Could you ask that table for theirs?

Sure. Excuse me,
may we borrow your salt?

Leo.

Piper.

Hi, Dan and Dan's date.

Amelia, this is Leo and...

And Piper.

Amelia, as in
someone-l-just-work-with Amelia?

Here's your salt.

Thanks.

Well, at least he's not pining away.

No.

Is this some kind of a test?

Okay, so I'd like everything
to be normal,

but there's only so much
a girl can take.

Here's to our first real date.

What are you doing? They need you?

Okay. Well, I guess it would be
the same thing

if I was dating a doctor, right?

I just wanted tonight to be perfect.

Well, it was.

I was with you.

- Wait a minute.
- What's wrong?

If we can't have a normal date,
can we at least have a normal exit?

Enough with
the disappearing guy stuff.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Check!

Talk to anyone who was in
the movie theatre at the time.

Well, find out what happened
before the fight broke out.

No, but I got a location, which is where
you should've been 15 minutes ago.

Are you talking about
the revival house on Larkin?

Not unless you know something
I don't. Do you?

Well, maybe not about this.

Okay, you're gonna be working
with one of our staff writers.

Finley's running late to the interview,
so you have to shoot him before.

Finley? Finley? As in Finley Beck?

Finley Beck?

You know him. And here I thought
you were just a beginner.

Okay, he is the whole reason
why this beginner got started.

He is amazing. Have you met him?

Not in person.
I just know him through his press.

Okay, well, I mean, the prose in this
is mediocre at best.

They didn't even cover
his period in Germany.

Not only is he a gifted photographer,
but he just seems

- so giving and warm.
- A fan?

- Lazy excuses,
and you can tell him I said so.

Yes, Mr Beck.

Can we get started?
I'm on a schedule.

Hi. Mr Beck, I'm Prue Halliwell.

So when is this photographer
blessing us with his presence?

That would be me.

- You're 12.
- Oh, I'm good.

I'll decide that.

Tell me you're not planning
on shooting me in digital.

Oh, no, no, no.
Not now, not tomorrow, not ever.

Digital is for amateurs.

Careful, dear,
your true colours are showing.

Why don't you do something useful
and get me some tea.

Hi, honey, how was school?

Will someone please tell me
what is up with guys?

You don't really expect me
to have an answer for that, do you?

Okay, so I have lunch
with this guy from lab, right?

- He is totally melatonin boy.
- That bad?

I'm keeping his number
in case I have trouble sleeping.

That bad.

So I'm sitting there
trying desperately not to fall asleep,

and all I keep thinking about
was yesterday.

I know, we still have no idea who
he was or how you vanquished him.

No, not that.

Billy. The guy from the movie.

And I know that this is reality,

but why can't a guy like that
exist in my reality?

Here I am talking about the shortage
of perfect men, and in orbs yours.

I found one of the good guys.

Unfortunately,
I'm here to talk about the bad guys.

- No shortage of those.
- Yeah.

They sent for me last night
so I could warn you.

Okay, fill in a blank.
It's the demon of...

Illusion. Apparently he uses magic
somehow to create violence in society.

They told me that he's here
to make San Francisco his treat.

- He's got a scar below his eye.
- And a goatee?

Not a problem,
we vanquished him last night.

Are you sure?

- Because they wouldn't send me...
- Unless the demon isn't gone.

Okay, you call Prue,
I'll go to the Book of Shadows.

We gotta get back
to that revival house.

- Billy? Billy?
- Pardon me.

- Oh, Billy. Billy?
- All right, now what?

Well, when we last saw the demon,
we vanquished him in aisle six.

And now he's in act three,
up on the screen.

Actually, I was just leaving.

I should have known
the disappearing-demon routine

wouldn't fool you for long.

Yeah, all you really did
was piss us off.

- Silly Wiccan, tricks are for kids.
- Piper.

This is the world of illusion,
and you girls are reality.

Your powers, unlike mine,
cannot cross between the two.

Sally Mae? Sally Mae, where are you?
It's getting dark and...

- You said you weren't gonna cause...
- Shut up.

Hey!

Oh, my God.
I think he's looking at me.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Okay, I hate to put a damper
on your little love connection here, sis,

- but we need to kick some ass.
- Oh, is that what you're gonna do?

How cute. How clever of you.

Any idea on how you intend
to do that?

Or are you just gonna flirt me
to death like your little tarty sister?

Watch your language
in front of the ladies.

Consider that a warning.

I'm sorry, was it the word "sister"
that bothered you?

How about "bitch"?
Does that go down easier?

Prue, stop him!

You're off the screen.
How did you...?

Thanks for the inspiration, sport.

So what does he want?

Well, it doesn't matter, right?
Let's just get rid of him.

I don't mean to interrupt,
but is there a point in this scene

where someone explains
my part to me?

Phoebe, you brought the character
back for a play date, you tell him.

You're right, we should've left him
at the theatre.

He would have
really blended in there.

Billy, this isn't a movie.

This is reality,
as in we're all real and you...

I haven't quite figured
that part out yet.

- But you...
- They're the good guys.

Right. Okay, we know
that the demon can go

from the real world
to the world of illusion,

and now he can bring a buddy
along for the ride.

The question is, what does he want?

Leo, they told you that his goal
was to create violence in society?

Yeah, but they left out the how part.

He goes into movies.
That's where he does it.

- Does what?
- Well, first he...

- Where's the music?
- Music? What music?

This is around the second act, right,
when everything's explained?

Where's the music
we're supposed to talk over

to build suspense
and hide the exposition?

- Don't you just hate exposition?
- Don't even get me started.

All right, you said that he does
something in the movie.

- Like what, to the story?
- No, to the audience.

When they leave,
they're different, angry.

So that's his shtick?
He casts a spell in movies?

Must be how this demon spreads
his particular brand of violence.

That's why he looked so familiar.

He wasn't at the movie,
he was in the movie.

So if he can use Billy's movie,
then he can use other movies.

If he's gonna spread violence,
he'll prey on people who are open to it.

All right, so he'll be in horror movies.

I'll grab a paper, head out
to the theatres that are playing those.

- Okay, Leo and I will go with you.
- I'll call Morris, give him a heads-up.

Phoebe, maybe you should
do something with Billy.

You know,
add a little Technicolor to him.

- Hello?
- Miss Halliwell.

- Mr Beck. How did you get...?
- You realize I have photo approval?

Yes, I'm totally aware
that you have photo approval...

- I want to see them.
- Now?

- Yes.
- Well, no. See, actually,

I'm not at home right now,
so maybe we can meet

- at the magazine later...
- That won't work for me.

- Later's not good for you?
- No.

Well, when would
be good for you, exactly?

Now.

What do we do?

Little late, don't you think?

I can see you moving.

Oh, I just...

Darkroom would be where?

- So that's Finley.
- My hero.

Yeah, well, I guess the plans
have sort of changed.

All right, we'll call you later.

Don't mind me, I'm just wandering
through your house.

How'd you like to do that
for real?

- Who is this guy?
- I can get you out of here,

take you to a place
where the movie never ends.

Simmer down.

I'll be back to you in a moment.

So. Interested?

As with most things,
there is one catch.

I get to pick three victims.

They're choice little morsels,
and I think you'll find them

quite powerless
against your charms.

Feel free to kill anyone you like
along the way.

Just get me those girls.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
let's make your PG lives rated R.

Who needs violence
when you can make it yourself?

Don't say that to me.

- Hello?
- Hey, this isn't your living room.

You want a piece of me?

And then that part when Sally Mae
gets her hair caught in the car door

right when the monster's
about to get her? I love that part.

Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, not only
have you seen it, you've lived it.

It's all right.
I like to hear what you think.

Okay, now, you have to be careful
not to say that,

because every girl will know
that you're not for real.

You make me feel like a kid again.

I mean, I must've seen you...

Well, the movie a thousand times.

I'm glad you liked it.

Yeah, and even with that
ridiculous dialogue

and that predictable story, you just...

You made your character
seem really real, you know?

Phoebe, I am those lines.

That's how I was written.
I don't exist outside that movie.

Until now.

You know, I never minded.

I always knew what scenes
to show up for and what to say.

But then he comes into the movie,
and I'm getting to write my own lines,

be more like you.

I think you're swell, Phoebe.

Thank you, Billy.

But I don't know how this happened.

Or how I'm supposed to be.

Everything I've ever known...

...understood...

...touched...

...it's all been scripted.

I had no choice,
but here you have options.

Where to go, what to say.

What to do.

Well, you're in my world now.

What do you wanna do?

I almost forgot.

- Hello.
- Hi, Phoebe.

Thanks for the heads-up
on the movie theatre thing.

- What happened?
- Mission multiplex.

One dead, four injured,
six in custody.

You believe that?

You know what? At this point,
I think I would believe anything.

Okay, thank you for calling,
but keep your eyes open.

I think this day's gonna get worse
before it gets better, okay?

- Okay, bye.
- All right, bye.

Piper, we found our demon.

You know, maybe you'd like
to take those home.

Relax, ponder,
choose which one you'd like.

Maybe you'd like to be quiet
while I see if I can save these things.

- Prue, is it okay to come down?
- Not really a good time.

Okay, well, I really need
to demon-strate something for you.

Okay, what is it?

Once you finish your thing
and I finish my thing,

then we really need to
go meet Piper and Leo

- to fix the thing that we saw at the...
- Thing.

- Exac... I love you. I'll be back upstairs.
- Okay.

Sisters.

Here, print this one again.

But you need to flag a gradual fade
on the wall behind me

and burn in the key under my chin.

Would you like me
to hold your hand this time?

I figured out what's wrong
with your photos, Miss Halliwell.

Absolutely no depth.

Really?

Now, would that be the technique
or the subject?

- Excuse me?
- I wish I could.

Your work meant more to me
than you will ever know.

And because of that,
I have carried around this illusion

of what it would mean to me
to meet you and to learn from you,

and how that would make me
appreciate your work even more.

But now it is so hard for me
to even look at your pictures,

because I think of the man
who took them.

And it is devastating to me to realize
that the brilliance of your eye

is completely destroyed
by the ignorance of your mouth.

See, that's the thing
about art, Miss Halliwell.

If you leave your subject
under the light too long, they burn.

Mr Beck.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Wasn't much of a date last night.

You wanna find seats in the back
and make out before demon hunting?

Okay, well, I'm okay, you're okay.
Magic perk.

Didn't you hear the management?
Please refrain from talking.

Oh, well, I guess I'll have to kill you.

Better yet... Mary?

Oh, Bloody Mary?

There's one of the girls
who's been getting in my way.

Don't stab her all in one place.

Okay, that didn't work,
but my legs still do.

Okay, let's go.

I'll be right there, Pheebs.

Phoebe!

- Hello? Privacy.
- Hello? Axe murderer.

Let's go this way.

Oh, that was an antique,
you assho...

He's very, very sensitive
about the language.

Okay, dead woman with a knife
on her way.

Leo stayed behind
to calm down the...

Where is everybody?

Pretty sneaky, sis.

Phoebe, does this guy
look familiar to you?

Yeah, kind of.

When Leo and I
tracked down the demon,

he sent some white, pasty hag
literally off of the screen to kill us.

I think he called her Bloody Mary.

Wait a minute,
this Paul Bunyan with a lobotomy,

he's from Axe Husband.
I saw that last week.

We so have to monitor
your viewing habits.

We can't kill them.
They're not real, they're fiction.

We can't kill something
that doesn't exist.

- Billy!
- I have something in common

with the bad guys. Run!

I'm being stalked by psycho killers
and I hide in the shower?

Okay, okay.

At least they're not
in the bathroom with us.

That's kind of good.

Pretty little girls.

- Okay.
- Okay.

I think I figured out
how to kill these guys.

Phoebe.

- Billy!
- He can't hurt me.

You run!
I'll see if I can hold this one off!

Okay, okay.

Billy said the only thing he knows is
what's written for him in those movies.

Maybe the only way
the psychos know to die

- is how they were killed on-screen.
- How am I supposed to know?

I'm a romantic-comedy girl. Why go to
horror movies when they come to us?

All right, that leaves you, Pheebs.

- Miss me?
- Okay, that's Bloody Mary,

and she was thrown out
of a window.

And that axe guy,
he was electrocuted.

So go tell Billy and...

And see if the slasher will stick
his finger in a socket, sure.

- Hi, hi.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Okay, get her. Get her.

We have got to do something
about that complexion.

- One down...
- And one to go.

- Prue.
- Hi.

He wasn't real receptive to the plan.

Does anybody else get tired
of cleaning up after these guys?

Okay.

Hi. Hi.

Take it.

It's okay, the man is here
to save the day.

Billy, it's the 21 st century.
It's the woman's job to save the day.

- It's over.
- Don't ever say that.

Every time someone says that
in the movie, something always...

It's Darryl.

Hi. Serious face. It's okay, we're
too tired for pleasantries. Just tell us.

He's okay.

It wasn't just an outbreak
at one theatre.

I got stuff going down
at multiple locations.

And on top of that, I got a series
of murders straight out of the movies.

- I think we're looking at a copycat.
- Only there's more than one cat.

- How much do you want?
- Only what I need.

It's not someone imitating
what happens on the screen,

it's someone from the screen
doing what comes naturally.

Killing without scripts. So we...

Well, let's just say
we rewrote them.

- So is it over?
- Not even close.

We don't know how many
are out there,

and we have no way
of stopping the demon

from tampering
with the audiences, so...

- You used the D word again.
- Sorry.

Damn.

Look, I gotta get back to the station.
Call me.

Thanks, Darryl.

We have to find this guy
before it gets any worse.

Yeah, only we don't know
where he is.

I know where he's gonna be tonight.

Don't you just love it
when he does that?

The demon didn't just show up at my
movie today. He's been there before.

Every time we leave for a new city,
he goes there too.

You mean he's travelling in the print?

And tonight's the last night in this city.
That's where he's gonna be.

Right, so the midnight show
will be his final performance.

We can't kill him in our world,
so we'll have to do it in his.

You mean go into the movie?
Can we even write a spell for that?

I could probably whip up a potion
or something.

Well, how about two?
One to make sure we can get in,

and one to make sure
we can get out.

Phoebe's pharmaceuticals.

That means I'm gonna have
to leave you there.

So? You'll always know
where to find me.

So let's go to the movies.

Billy, you're back. Just in time.

This is the part
where we're supposed to be...

You brought company.

Oh, Billy, how could you?
We were going steady.

And you... You pinned me!

That's because the writers told me to,
Sally Mae.

I mean, you're a nice girl
and all, but...

Anyway, these people,
they're here to help us.

Phoebe, do you have the potion?

Oh, couldn't you at least have made it
look like it tasted good?

Check me out, I'm retro.

It tastes like ass...

...phalt.

And now for the violent climax.

- Oh, you need to get a life.
- He's under a spell.

Piper, behind you.

All right, deep down I know
that you're an innocent,

so I can't really kill you.

But I can:

Sleep tight, film boy.

You're out of your league.
In fact, you're out of your world.

Didn't anybody ever tell you
what happens

once the movie ends
if you're still in it? No?

Well, I'd love to explain it to you,
but we're out of time.

- Prue?
- Piper, Phoebe,

get out of there quick.

- Prue, why is it getting dark?
- Prue, what's going on?

Prue, do something.

- Where are you? What can I do?
- Help us.

Okay.

Where the hell is reverse?

Prue?

Are you guys okay?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Get out of there quick.

Okay.

Oh, that's right.
Run away, little witches.

So these are the mighty
Charmed Ones.

Watch me run in fear.

Prue, I don't know
what else we can do.

You're supposed to be
the perky one.

You should really try
and not be so negative.

How does it feel to finally know
someone you can't defeat, huh?

I don't know, you tell me.

You know, if you leave a subject
under the light for too long, it burns.

No!

Thanks for waking me up to warn me
about the film burning.

I could've lost my job.

I guess you learned something
from Finley after all.

Yeah, I guess he did come in handy.

You can love the work,
but not the man.

What if you love them both?

I guess it's only fair.

I got my first glimpse of romance
from watching you on the big screen.

Other girls deserve
that same view.

Thank you for restoring my faith
in the male species.

Now all you have to do is hold out
for one that's three-dimensional.

You've gotta be kidding.
The date was a disaster.

And I had a great time.

I especially liked
the look on your face

when the accordion player
broke out into that song.

- You're making fun of me? Yes.
- No.

It was our first date.
I wanted it to be...

I wanted us to be...

- A normal couple?
- Yes.

Well, you're a witch,
and I'm a whitelighter.

You know, being busy,
being called away

are probably the only normal things
about us.

Hello? Door's open.

- Is anybody...?
- I...

- Never mind.
- Wait. No, Dan, wait.

What's this?

This is yours.

Some of the things that you left
over at my house.

I kept them around because
part of me was hoping that maybe...

Maybe that you'd come back.

And after last night,
I realized that I have to move on too.

Thanks.

Hey...

- Dan. Hi. Are you...?
- Just leaving.

I...

Yeah.

Does it never get any easier?

Okay, talk to me of something else,
like what happened at the magazine?

I had another run-in with Finley.
Hey, you.

Anyway, it all worked out.

Did you get to tell off
the demon of crankiness again?

No, once was enough.

But, oh, my editor did love
the shot that I chose of him.

Said that it was the first picture
that captured the real man.

Speaking of, I will never see
another horror movie again.

But I ran across this and thought:

Prue. Oh, Prue. I love it. I love it.
I'm gonna go watch it right now.

Should we worry?

I think she's just saying goodbye.

- Is it really over?
- Yes, Sally Mae, it is.

- Really and truly?
- I'm here now.

And as long as I'm with you,
everything's gonna be A-okay.

- Promise?
- Promise.

You're my hero, Billy.

And I think you're swell, Sally Mae.