Charmed (1998–2006): Season 2, Episode 13 - Animal Pragmatism - full transcript
Phoebe attempts to reverse the spell that turned animals into good-looking dates for her study group, creating a virtual zoo at the club.
The lions observed in the Ngorongoro
Crater of Tanzania mated,
on average, once an hour
for a week straight.
Now, before I lose half the room
to that thought, answer me this:
Where does it begin?
And the purpose of all animals is
the proliferation of the species, right?
But it isn't as easy as,
"Your nest or mine?"
It starts with a series
of mating rituals.
First, an animal must get the attention
of the object it desires.
Next, there must be a sign
that the interest is mutual.
But as we've all learned from
painful experience, an animal...
What's up with my study group
having fun without me?
Sorry, Phoebe. You looked busy.
Use your time in section tomorrow
to outline your group's thesis.
Be specific. Better yet,
just spell-check.
I'll see you next week.
Is that a book of love spells?
Yeah, found it in the Valentine's Day
display over at the campus bookstore.
- It's stupid.
- Is not.
We figured since we're dateless this
year, maybe it'll give us some laughs.
What?
Oh, nothing. It's just,
they've got it backwards.
You would never say it in that order.
First you say what's lacking,
then what's needed. Here, try this:
From strike of 12, count 24
That's how long the spell is for
If to abate my lonely heart
Enchant these gifts I thee impart
See?
I'm doing a paper on the
growing popularity of witchcraft.
Hey, if you guys want something fun
to do tomorrow night,
you should check out
my sister's club.
- Oh, cool.
- No dates required.
- Okay.
- Okay, we'll be there.
- See you at section tomorrow.
- Okay.
Hey, there's a party tomorrow night.
You should come.
- Why?
- Because I'll be there.
Okay, I'm freaked.
Can we turn some lights on?
- No, we can't. Can we?
- It will spoil the mood.
Come on, it says to join hands.
We're not gonna hurt them, are we? I
promised Spencer I'd get his pig back.
It's a joke spell, Tessa.
This is just supposed to be fun.
You could choose any animal to turn
into a man, and you chose a pig?
It's widely known that pigs are the
most intelligent species, that's why.
Well, then we all know
why Andrea chose a rabbit.
Just keep your fingers clear.
He scratches.
Kinky. Exactly why I brought a snake.
Okay, let's do this. Say it with me.
From strike of 12, count 24
That's how long the spell is for
Turn these gifts into a mate
And then my lonely heart abate
Okay, that was fun. Can I go now?
Wait. Now, didn't Phoebe say
some of the words were wrong?
Why don't you call her.
Don't have to. Power of technology.
No dates required.
From strike of 12, count 24
That's how long the spell is for
If to abate my lonely heart
Enchant these gifts I thee impart
- What's wrong with this picture?
- Okay, is that rhetorical,
or do I actually have to open
my eyes to look at something?
Well, it is a weekday,
and Phoebe Halliwell
is already at campus,
while Prue Halliwell,
master of the morning meeting,
- sultan of scheduling and queen of...
- Got it.
How's it feel to be footloose
and office-free?
Amazing. You know
what I'm gonna do today?
- What?
- Absolutely nothing.
Nothing? Really, Prue?
Nothing entails physically doing
nothing, thinking about nothing
and worrying about nothing,
as opposed to your sister here,
who is so in the middle
of something.
Okay, sweetie. What is wrong?
Well, for starters, there's tomorrow.
Valentine's Day?
Wow, I completely forgot.
See? I'm doing nothing already.
And Dan wants me to have
V-Day dinner with him.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah. Except for the fact
that there's...
Leo? I mean, he is mortal now.
Doesn't that change things?
Piper, you're my sister,
and I'm with you,
whatever and whoever you choose.
I need to eat.
Another satisfied customer.
You've already eaten
everything in our fridge.
Brooke will be back with food
any minute. Just wait, okay?
Whoa, what are we
supposed to do until then?
Fine question. What should we do?
You two are acting
like nothing's changed,
like you're still trapped
in the confines of your cages.
- Behaving like animals.
- That's what you are.
Not anymore, thanks to you.
We've been given a gift.
It's time to take it out for a test drive,
see what the world looks like
from up here.
You can't.
I mean, you have to stay here.
Wait!
Yeah, you got my CD, man?
- Is there a problem?
- Yeah. Try covering up, dude.
Remedy the situation.
- Hey! What the...?
- Hey, man.
Hey, man.
Hey. What are you doing?
Who are those guys?
Who are these for?
They're for you.
- I know they're not much.
- They're beautiful.
- But, Leo...
- But it's the best I could do.
You know, no ID, no mode
of transportation, no money.
I just wanted you to have
something, mark the day.
Thank you.
I have something for you too.
Although not nearly as romantic,
but still a good thing.
Your first paycheque. Or cash, rather.
I thought it'd be easier.
So did I.
Anyway, thanks.
Looks like after everything, I'm still
working for the Charmed Ones.
Is all this...?
Are you doing okay with it?
Yeah. Kind of making it up as I go.
But, Piper, if me being here
is awkward for you...
No.
What's there to be awkward about?
These go in the back, right?
What are those?
I thought we were gonna wait
until tonight.
You're right.
I should take them back.
Don't you dare.
Give them to me.
They're beautiful. Thank you.
Piper? Is there something
you wanted to tell me?
Not that I know of.
You sure?
Dan. Hey.
Leo.
You never mentioned he was here.
- Leo's here.
- Yeah.
You're right. I meant to,
and then things got busy,
so I didn't, and I'm sorry.
- He's just helping out.
- With what, exactly?
You know, handyman, busboy,
bar back, security-type stuff.
He needed a place to stay,
and it's really not a big deal, Dan.
That's just the point. It is.
When you were sick,
you called out his name, not mine.
And I was right there with you.
When he's around, you're,
I don't know, different.
We're different.
- How do you want me to handle that?
- I don't know.
And to tell you the truth,
if the situation were reversed,
I don't know how I would feel.
But I do know how I feel right now.
How do you feel?
Like for the first time
in a very long time,
I'm actually looking forward
to a Valentine's Day dinner.
And you're the reason.
Hi, is Briana there?
Of course she's at work.
Yeah, hi, this is Prue calling.
No, you can actually
just erase that number.
She can reach me at home.
Home. I'll be home.
Okay, bye.
Prue Hall...
- Hello?
- Hello, yourself.
- How is the life of leisure going?
- It's great.
I don't know why you ever gave it up.
Yeah. Because that house is only big
enough for one homebound Halliwell.
Hey, I'm just on my way to class,
but I wanted to know
if Brooke or Andrea or Tessa called.
No, no one called. Nobody.
No one. Zip.
- Nada. Zilch.
- That is so weird.
They never showed up
for our section today.
Hey, watch it!
Hey, buddy, get in line.
- What's happening over there?
- Come on.
How could you do this to them?
- Run! Run, my brothers.
- Who is that guy?
- Run free!
- What is he doing?
So hey, Phoebe, I was wondering
if maybe we could meet for lunch.
And if you're crunched on time,
then I can just come to the campus.
I was gonna pick up a sandwich
on the way to class.
Okay, so, what about after class?
We could go to the gym.
- You're hurting me!
- Pheebs?
- Stop! I told you to get off!
- I gotta go, Prue.
Hey, is there a problem?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
Hey, man.
Oh, we so have to cancel
your Martha Stewart subscription.
When I start making flower boxes
out of milk cartons,
- then you can shoot me.
- No problem.
So do you need help with anything?
- What happened to doing nothing?
- I'm finished.
You can't finish doing nothing.
So then how do you know
when you're done?
Put your finger on this.
- It's for Dan.
- What did you get him?
This book on San Francisco
architecture.
I know, I know. It's a little too
impersonal for Valentine's Day, but...
No. No.
Shows that you know him.
It's perfect for him.
- What did you get Leo?
- Leo? But... Should I?
- Tonight?
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Okay, guess what I saw
on Pheeb TV.
No, not a premonition.
It's Valentine's Day.
Can't there be some kind
of supernatural day off?
- What did you see?
- There was a guy harassing this girl,
so I tried to stop him, and wham.
It was really weird.
Like, a guy biting a girl.
Biting or kissing?
It is that time of the year.
- It could've been kissing.
- Maybe. It could have been, I guess.
Most people kiss on Valentine's Day.
Except, of course, for witches.
Witches don't kiss on Valentine's Day,
because something always comes up.
Okay, maybe it was just some drunk
frat guy and his chick of the moment.
Yeah, maybe. It just...
It wasn't very clear.
And then I followed him,
and I think he jumped over this wall.
He jumped over a wall?
Yeah, well, there was a ladder
pretty close.
Phoebe, come on.
Doesn't anybody care
that I have dinner plans tonight
with Dan?
Oh, honey, is that what he got you?
I mean, it's nice and all,
just a little impersonal.
What'd she get for Leo?
What'd you get Leo?
But we missed section.
It's Valentine's Day.
I wanna find my date.
Are you sure?
I mean, this isn't natural.
You said it was just a joke,
and now they are human beings.
- Pretty cool, huh?
- No.
No, it's not.
We should turn them back.
Just chill. Wait until midnight,
and they'll turn back on their own.
Yeah.
What does this mean?
It's a spell.
That's what made you human.
Yes, but for how long?
He asked you a question.
Twenty-four hours.
But actually, now it's more like 12.
Well, fix it.
We've decided
we'd like to stay this way.
Yeah, we're having fun.
Yeah, it sure looks like it.
Now, am I wrong here,
- but aren't you supposed to be mine?
- Aren't you having fun, Andrea?
You know, you can have
much more fun if we had more time.
- I might know how.
- No.
Okay, maybe I don't,
but I know someone who might.
Phoebe, yeah.
She'll be at the party tonight.
Wait, I have the class roster.
I know where she lives.
Show us the way.
We're gonna eat, though, right?
- I don't think we should be messing...
- Why don't you go on ahead.
We'll catch up.
Now, why do you have to be
such a little troublemaker?
Thanks for keeping me company.
Better here than at the club
with Prue.
This boredom has turned her
into the demon of decoration.
Why don't they make a card that says,
"You used to be my whitelighter,
and now your wings are clipped,
and you're sleeping in my club"?
Or how about,
"You snooze, you lose,
and now I'm getting naked
with the neighbour."
Hey.
What about this one?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, very sweet.
And what is that supposed to say?
That says something in Portuguese,
but at least you won't have to worry
about him taking it the wrong way.
Thank you. Oh, no.
"To the special person who lights up
my day, I'll treasure you always."
- Oh, of course.
- And then I'll spit up on myself.
The girls in school are reading this.
The ones in my class.
We are so in right now.
We are not in, love is, and this stuff
gives people hope that they can find it.
Yeah, the problem is,
people think they can get into magic
without dealing
with the consequences.
None of this is like
in the Book of Shadows.
I mean, for one thing,
it doesn't really work.
I mean, normal people
can't make this work.
Right?
- Pheebs?
- Not without a little help.
I have to go call Prue.
I think I need her help with something.
Something to do? She'll be thrilled.
Okey-dokey.
Now, that's a card.
This will do.
Hello? Worker bees? Anyone?
This will ruin the dinner
that I'm gonna buy you tonight.
You are so sweet.
Piper red label?
Well, with a name like that,
I figured it would be the best.
I mean, this is our first holiday.
Granted, a holiday invented
by Hallmark,
but first, it's just the same.
Is that for me?
"To a dear friend
on Valentine's Day."
Piper, it's good to know
that you're deeply in like with me.
It isn't for me. It's for Leo, isn't it?
- What do you want me to say?
- How about "no."
Dan, you read it. Read it again.
It says "to a friend."
And I'm sorry, but I'm not interested
in ending that particular friendship.
I'm not sure that's all he sees it as.
I come with a past. We all do.
It's a package,
one I would like to share with you,
but you can't pick and choose.
- You get all of me.
- Do I?
Okay. I've gotta work.
So why don't I just see you tonight.
Fine.
Fine.
I just love Valentine's Day.
- You can't do this.
- This is going too far.
Rules, like cages,
were meant to be broken.
Okay, since leaving campus, you guys
have beaten a pedestrian to a pulp
and played chicken
with a car-pool mom.
- Are you on something?
- Or just your average crazy?
Look, Tessa seemed fine.
But if she's really not feeling well
like you said, we should go home.
- Or at least call her.
- Not yet.
We need Phoebe.
What...?
Oh, my God.
- What's happening?
- We're changing back.
The spell said this would happen.
Look, Phoebe's not here, and there's
nothing we can do to change things.
- It's not like we made up the rules.
- God, Tessa was right.
We shouldn't have done this.
She talked too much.
What are you doing?
Don't touch me.
- Guys, stop. This isn't fun anymore.
- Yes, it is.
Next time you want
a dangerous man,
might wanna make sure
he's not poisonous.
- Why'd you do that?
- Paper. Give me the paper.
Are they...
...dead?
They will be.
Wait a minute. Don't we need
both them and Phoebe for the spell?
- That's how it worked before.
- Four hours until we turn back.
Four hours until they die
from the poison.
I think that information might motivate
this Phoebe to help us.
Her scent, it's everywhere.
- But she's not here right now.
- Let's go home, okay, guys?
I've had enough.
We're not meant to be like this.
What?
Come on, guys, what? No.
Not me. Guys, stop. No! No! No!
I didn't think he'd ever shut up.
So since when can mortals
cast spells that actually work?
Look, I know that that book is probably
a total cheese-fest, but what if?
I mean, the spell called for
living objects, my premonition
and that guy who could leap
tall buildings in a single bound?
Something is wrong, I know it.
Higher education.
Maybe I need to come back
to college to study something.
- Oh, Ethan.
- Hey.
- What happened, honey?
- Oh, it's nothing. Some drunk frat guy.
Seems to be a lot of that
going around.
This is my sister Prue.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Well, I just knocked,
but nobody was in.
Thought I'd give them hell
for missing section.
Andrea and Brooke
would totally bail,
but it doesn't really seem
like Tessa, you know?
It is Valentine's Day.
Maybe they had something to do.
Do you?
Okay, gotta go. Busy, busy.
Nice meeting you, Ethan.
Nice to meet you,
and I'll see you tonight.
Okay.
All right.
- Back!
- Okay.
- I'm sorry, okay?
- Well, you're right.
Love takes a back seat to duty.
What's that about love
in the back seat? Because...
...Mom, Dad, your birth.
- That's disgusting.
- Sort of how you were...
My God, this place is a mess.
I mean, I know that boys are bad,
but this is a pigsty.
I don't think they did this.
- Hey, is this the spell book?
- Yeah.
- What was that?
- It's in the closet.
Look, Tessa, I know what you've
been through has been really hard,
but the only way that we can help you
is if you tell us what happened.
There's no way
that you'd understand.
You won't find two more understanding
people in this particular instance.
It just sounds so crazy,
and you're gonna think that I'm...
Very brave for facing whatever it is.
You remember that spell
that we showed you in class?
Well, it worked.
Not like it helped us meet guys,
it helped us make guys
out of animals.
And you did this
from the spell in that book?
Yeah, and we even played back the
tape that we were recording in class
so we could hear your corrections
to the spell.
But before we had a chance
to chant the new version,
I mean, there they were.
All right, so what is it that you think
these men want with you?
I don't know.
Maybe it's our fault because we tried to
make them into something they're not.
No, you can't blame yourself
for the actions of other people.
We're gonna fix this.
First, we have to fix you.
I'll be right back.
If I were hydrogen peroxide,
where would I be?
- Phoebe?
- Prue, where do we keep
the hydrogen peroxide?
Oh, my God.
He was one of them,
except he didn't look like that.
- The spell must be wearing off.
- They're starting to look and act
- more like animals.
- Look, they've killed one of their own.
There's no telling what they'll do
or what they've done to your friends.
- Do you know what they want?
- You.
- What?
- They're having fun,
and they wanna stay this way. Andrea
told them you'd be able to help them.
Okay, where are they now?
There.
That's where they think you'll be.
Hey. Hey.
- You guys need some help?
- You could say that.
- I think we're out of gas.
- What can I do for you?
Well, you could not scream.
Okay, ladies, Papa's got
a brand-new set of wheels.
Prue, the place is full of snakes.
How am I supposed to pick out
the right one?
Did I mention I have
dinner plans with Dan?
Okay, you're five minutes away? Okay,
as fast as you can would be good.
- Everything okay?
- Of course not.
Prue and Phoebe have found
a problem. Two of them, actually.
And they're bringing their dates here.
On a night when you have
a date of your own, huh?
Just earmark anyone
looking for Phoebe.
They're coming here
to try and find her.
Excuse me,
you wouldn't happen to know
if Phoebe Halliwell is anywhere
around here, would you?
She should be here any minute,
and if you sit down and don't move,
you'll have a perfect view.
You think he's...?
- Could be.
- Let me help.
No, Leo. Thank you,
but now that you've lost your wings,
I don't want you to get hurt.
Hey.
- You my Valentine?
- I hope so.
- Especially after...
- Today.
Well, tonight's tonight.
So let's get started.
About that.
You're kidding.
Just tell me you're kidding.
- What?
- Wait, let me guess.
It's something with your sisters.
Or maybe you'll be vague
and just say,
"Something important's come up."
Or my favourite of all time,
"It's a matter of life and death."
Actually, what I was going to say,
if you would let me,
is that I'm running a little late,
and could you please
wait for me at the bar?
Phoebe?
Are you okay?
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Piper's destressing in the alcove.
Tessa, Leo. Leo, Tessa. Can you
watch her for us for a little while?
- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.
- How's the spell coming?
- It'd be coming a lot better
if I had a pinch of the salt of life.
- We got the salt of margarita.
- I will take it.
On this day of love,
let's show a little for Janice Robinson.
So who are you?
I'm...
...just a friend.
Hey, how's my stressed-out sister
and her something?
Well, we've moved past "something"
and straight into "everything."
The view sucks. I don't recommend it.
How goes the battle plan?
We didn't find anything
in the Book of Shadows.
Which makes sense,
because the ani-men or whatever
were created by careless magic,
not supernatural evil.
- So where does that leave us?
- In the hands
of our spellbinding sister,
who's writing a little hocus-pocus
to turn these men back into animals
before they get
completely out of control.
Easier said than done.
I do not work well under pressure.
- Any sign of them?
- Well, I've been watching that one,
who came in looking for Phoebe,
but he doesn't seem so creepy.
Yeah, the only magic Phoebe
wants to work on him is personal.
That's her date.
Why do we seem to have a habit
of gathering our men
at the scene
of a supernatural smackdown?
- It's part of our charm.
- Hey, ladies.
Hey, Darryl, please tell me
you're here
for a nice romantic evening
with your wife.
No, that would be what I'm late for.
- Join the club.
- I'm here as a friend.
It's not my case, but I've heard a buzz.
String of violent crimes from campus,
through your neighbourhood,
all the way here to the parking lot.
Stolen blue Grand Marq
the assailants were driving?
Parked outside.
Couple of units are on the way, so...
- Thanks for the heads-up.
- I'll warn security.
- Here.
- Oh, thanks, Leo.
Tessa says Andrea
and Brooke aren't here.
But they are.
Phoebe. So nice to smell you.
He just spotted me.
- How are we doing on that spell?
- You keep throwing
this "we" word around,
and I don't see you doing anything.
- Wait.
- Darryl, no.
Darryl, wait.
Okay, I got it.
Make us human, or by the time
you find your friends, they'll be dead.
Something wicked in our midst
In human form, these spirits dwell
Phoebe, no.
Make them animals sayeth the spell
Phoebe, they hid the girls.
Okay, we need to keep them human
until we find out where they are.
- Okay, what's going on?
- The good news...
...is the spell worked.
And the bad news?
The spell worked on everyone.
I don't have a permit
for this kind of party.
Old MacPiper had a farm
E-l-E-I...
Was that a moo?
- Phoebe, fix this.
- Rome was not built in a day, Piper.
Yeah, but my club was ruined
in the blink of an eye.
At least we don't have to try and figure
out what species our innocents are.
Yeah, but if Tessa's right,
and they're not here, then what?
Well, right before you cast the spell,
the snake said something about,
if we don't make them human,
- then the girls will die.
- So how much time do we have?
Tessa said the spell lasts for 24 hours,
and they cast it at midnight, so...
That's in 35 minutes.
Didn't Morris say something about
the men's stolen car parked outside?
Yeah, followed by...
...the police, who are
on their way here right now.
Okay, you know, I made this mess,
let me clean it up.
You have to find Brooke and Andrea,
because if my premonition was right,
- As they always are.
- They were both bitten by that snake,
which means if they don't get
medical attention, they could die.
We'll go try and find something
in the car that will lead us to them.
Okay, Phoebe,
you try and turn this room back,
and we will try to find the girls, and...
Go kiss someone else.
Let's take these guys with us,
make sure they don't turn human.
Are you sure we got the right ones?
Yeah, it was the only
rabbit and snake next to each other.
And the only two that put up a fight.
Whoa, they're fleeing.
Piper, how about
a little supernatural corral.
Thank you.
Okay. I would like you all to know
that I am vegetarian, okay?
I have never eaten any of you.
Why do I have to carry
the poisonous snake?
- Because you're the oldest.
- So?
So you've lived a full life.
Wait, you think that's the car
over there?
What, do you want me to ask them?
You know what? You're a smartass.
Come on, we don't have much time.
No. Bad dog!
Lxnay on the icking-lay.
You know what?
Nobody bothers the witch, okay?
If we all remain calm,
I will have everything under control
and back to normal, all right?
- Nothing. Now what?
- Trunk.
Oh, my God.
They have a pulse.
It's still there, but it's faint.
- We need to get them to the hospital.
- All right.
Undo the magic acted here
Reverse the spell so all is clear
Back off, Thumper.
- What's happening?
- Phoebe reversed the spell.
- Piper, hold on.
- What do you mean?
How's it feel to be a man now?
What do you say we wake up
Dr Poison here and move him...?
Move Thumper there
right into his fangs?
I've got a better idea.
Come on.
Well, at least we're human
for good now.
Shut up.
So it looks like they got
what they wanted.
They get to be treated like humans.
And caged like them too.
You three sure are rewriting
my book on public service.
- So the girls are gonna be okay?
- Yeah.
They're on the way to the hospital.
I think you found them just in time.
How did...?
I'm not gonna even ask.
Remember when our biggest
concern on Valentine's Day
was who to spend it with?
Still is.
Yeah, maybe for you.
I was dateless tonight.
Oh, speaking of dates,
don't I have one in there?
You know, I never knew how
exhausting not having a job could be.
- Table four needs to be bussed.
- Okay, I'm serious.
It's like having a job sort of made this
whole charmed thing less stressful.
It gave me something else
to worry about.
So the Prue of old wins out after all.
I like being busy.
Then why mess with a good thing?
Yeah, I just need to find something
that I love getting busy at.
Speaking of getting busy,
check out our little sister.
Oh, my.
Let's just hope
she doesn't do '80s dancing.
Time to go home. Bye.
Stick around.
Janice Robinson will be back
with her second set
after a short break.
- Phoebe, there's something...
- Oh, no. In my teeth?
Oh, no.
That's... That's...
That's really strange.
You're not a beck-and-call
kind of girl. I get that.
I have a job that takes time,
a family that takes time,
and making you and me work
is gonna take time.
I need to know
you're willing to deal with it.
You know I am,
as long as you realize who I am.
Sometimes I...
I get jealous. I wonder where you are
and who you're with, and that's me.
But you can't make me
something I'm not.
Work with me, yes, but change me...
Relationships are hard work.
Especially on an empty stomach.
You think we can talk about this
over dinner?
Magic words.
Oh, I forgot my purse.
I'll meet you outside.
Okay.
Piper, when we first met,
you thought I was just a handyman.
Well, I'm a handyman again.
Same guy you fell in love with.
The same guy who fell in love
with you for who you are.
Remember that,
and know that I'm not giving up.
Crater of Tanzania mated,
on average, once an hour
for a week straight.
Now, before I lose half the room
to that thought, answer me this:
Where does it begin?
And the purpose of all animals is
the proliferation of the species, right?
But it isn't as easy as,
"Your nest or mine?"
It starts with a series
of mating rituals.
First, an animal must get the attention
of the object it desires.
Next, there must be a sign
that the interest is mutual.
But as we've all learned from
painful experience, an animal...
What's up with my study group
having fun without me?
Sorry, Phoebe. You looked busy.
Use your time in section tomorrow
to outline your group's thesis.
Be specific. Better yet,
just spell-check.
I'll see you next week.
Is that a book of love spells?
Yeah, found it in the Valentine's Day
display over at the campus bookstore.
- It's stupid.
- Is not.
We figured since we're dateless this
year, maybe it'll give us some laughs.
What?
Oh, nothing. It's just,
they've got it backwards.
You would never say it in that order.
First you say what's lacking,
then what's needed. Here, try this:
From strike of 12, count 24
That's how long the spell is for
If to abate my lonely heart
Enchant these gifts I thee impart
See?
I'm doing a paper on the
growing popularity of witchcraft.
Hey, if you guys want something fun
to do tomorrow night,
you should check out
my sister's club.
- Oh, cool.
- No dates required.
- Okay.
- Okay, we'll be there.
- See you at section tomorrow.
- Okay.
Hey, there's a party tomorrow night.
You should come.
- Why?
- Because I'll be there.
Okay, I'm freaked.
Can we turn some lights on?
- No, we can't. Can we?
- It will spoil the mood.
Come on, it says to join hands.
We're not gonna hurt them, are we? I
promised Spencer I'd get his pig back.
It's a joke spell, Tessa.
This is just supposed to be fun.
You could choose any animal to turn
into a man, and you chose a pig?
It's widely known that pigs are the
most intelligent species, that's why.
Well, then we all know
why Andrea chose a rabbit.
Just keep your fingers clear.
He scratches.
Kinky. Exactly why I brought a snake.
Okay, let's do this. Say it with me.
From strike of 12, count 24
That's how long the spell is for
Turn these gifts into a mate
And then my lonely heart abate
Okay, that was fun. Can I go now?
Wait. Now, didn't Phoebe say
some of the words were wrong?
Why don't you call her.
Don't have to. Power of technology.
No dates required.
From strike of 12, count 24
That's how long the spell is for
If to abate my lonely heart
Enchant these gifts I thee impart
- What's wrong with this picture?
- Okay, is that rhetorical,
or do I actually have to open
my eyes to look at something?
Well, it is a weekday,
and Phoebe Halliwell
is already at campus,
while Prue Halliwell,
master of the morning meeting,
- sultan of scheduling and queen of...
- Got it.
How's it feel to be footloose
and office-free?
Amazing. You know
what I'm gonna do today?
- What?
- Absolutely nothing.
Nothing? Really, Prue?
Nothing entails physically doing
nothing, thinking about nothing
and worrying about nothing,
as opposed to your sister here,
who is so in the middle
of something.
Okay, sweetie. What is wrong?
Well, for starters, there's tomorrow.
Valentine's Day?
Wow, I completely forgot.
See? I'm doing nothing already.
And Dan wants me to have
V-Day dinner with him.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah. Except for the fact
that there's...
Leo? I mean, he is mortal now.
Doesn't that change things?
Piper, you're my sister,
and I'm with you,
whatever and whoever you choose.
I need to eat.
Another satisfied customer.
You've already eaten
everything in our fridge.
Brooke will be back with food
any minute. Just wait, okay?
Whoa, what are we
supposed to do until then?
Fine question. What should we do?
You two are acting
like nothing's changed,
like you're still trapped
in the confines of your cages.
- Behaving like animals.
- That's what you are.
Not anymore, thanks to you.
We've been given a gift.
It's time to take it out for a test drive,
see what the world looks like
from up here.
You can't.
I mean, you have to stay here.
Wait!
Yeah, you got my CD, man?
- Is there a problem?
- Yeah. Try covering up, dude.
Remedy the situation.
- Hey! What the...?
- Hey, man.
Hey, man.
Hey. What are you doing?
Who are those guys?
Who are these for?
They're for you.
- I know they're not much.
- They're beautiful.
- But, Leo...
- But it's the best I could do.
You know, no ID, no mode
of transportation, no money.
I just wanted you to have
something, mark the day.
Thank you.
I have something for you too.
Although not nearly as romantic,
but still a good thing.
Your first paycheque. Or cash, rather.
I thought it'd be easier.
So did I.
Anyway, thanks.
Looks like after everything, I'm still
working for the Charmed Ones.
Is all this...?
Are you doing okay with it?
Yeah. Kind of making it up as I go.
But, Piper, if me being here
is awkward for you...
No.
What's there to be awkward about?
These go in the back, right?
What are those?
I thought we were gonna wait
until tonight.
You're right.
I should take them back.
Don't you dare.
Give them to me.
They're beautiful. Thank you.
Piper? Is there something
you wanted to tell me?
Not that I know of.
You sure?
Dan. Hey.
Leo.
You never mentioned he was here.
- Leo's here.
- Yeah.
You're right. I meant to,
and then things got busy,
so I didn't, and I'm sorry.
- He's just helping out.
- With what, exactly?
You know, handyman, busboy,
bar back, security-type stuff.
He needed a place to stay,
and it's really not a big deal, Dan.
That's just the point. It is.
When you were sick,
you called out his name, not mine.
And I was right there with you.
When he's around, you're,
I don't know, different.
We're different.
- How do you want me to handle that?
- I don't know.
And to tell you the truth,
if the situation were reversed,
I don't know how I would feel.
But I do know how I feel right now.
How do you feel?
Like for the first time
in a very long time,
I'm actually looking forward
to a Valentine's Day dinner.
And you're the reason.
Hi, is Briana there?
Of course she's at work.
Yeah, hi, this is Prue calling.
No, you can actually
just erase that number.
She can reach me at home.
Home. I'll be home.
Okay, bye.
Prue Hall...
- Hello?
- Hello, yourself.
- How is the life of leisure going?
- It's great.
I don't know why you ever gave it up.
Yeah. Because that house is only big
enough for one homebound Halliwell.
Hey, I'm just on my way to class,
but I wanted to know
if Brooke or Andrea or Tessa called.
No, no one called. Nobody.
No one. Zip.
- Nada. Zilch.
- That is so weird.
They never showed up
for our section today.
Hey, watch it!
Hey, buddy, get in line.
- What's happening over there?
- Come on.
How could you do this to them?
- Run! Run, my brothers.
- Who is that guy?
- Run free!
- What is he doing?
So hey, Phoebe, I was wondering
if maybe we could meet for lunch.
And if you're crunched on time,
then I can just come to the campus.
I was gonna pick up a sandwich
on the way to class.
Okay, so, what about after class?
We could go to the gym.
- You're hurting me!
- Pheebs?
- Stop! I told you to get off!
- I gotta go, Prue.
Hey, is there a problem?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
Hey, man.
Oh, we so have to cancel
your Martha Stewart subscription.
When I start making flower boxes
out of milk cartons,
- then you can shoot me.
- No problem.
So do you need help with anything?
- What happened to doing nothing?
- I'm finished.
You can't finish doing nothing.
So then how do you know
when you're done?
Put your finger on this.
- It's for Dan.
- What did you get him?
This book on San Francisco
architecture.
I know, I know. It's a little too
impersonal for Valentine's Day, but...
No. No.
Shows that you know him.
It's perfect for him.
- What did you get Leo?
- Leo? But... Should I?
- Tonight?
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Okay, guess what I saw
on Pheeb TV.
No, not a premonition.
It's Valentine's Day.
Can't there be some kind
of supernatural day off?
- What did you see?
- There was a guy harassing this girl,
so I tried to stop him, and wham.
It was really weird.
Like, a guy biting a girl.
Biting or kissing?
It is that time of the year.
- It could've been kissing.
- Maybe. It could have been, I guess.
Most people kiss on Valentine's Day.
Except, of course, for witches.
Witches don't kiss on Valentine's Day,
because something always comes up.
Okay, maybe it was just some drunk
frat guy and his chick of the moment.
Yeah, maybe. It just...
It wasn't very clear.
And then I followed him,
and I think he jumped over this wall.
He jumped over a wall?
Yeah, well, there was a ladder
pretty close.
Phoebe, come on.
Doesn't anybody care
that I have dinner plans tonight
with Dan?
Oh, honey, is that what he got you?
I mean, it's nice and all,
just a little impersonal.
What'd she get for Leo?
What'd you get Leo?
But we missed section.
It's Valentine's Day.
I wanna find my date.
Are you sure?
I mean, this isn't natural.
You said it was just a joke,
and now they are human beings.
- Pretty cool, huh?
- No.
No, it's not.
We should turn them back.
Just chill. Wait until midnight,
and they'll turn back on their own.
Yeah.
What does this mean?
It's a spell.
That's what made you human.
Yes, but for how long?
He asked you a question.
Twenty-four hours.
But actually, now it's more like 12.
Well, fix it.
We've decided
we'd like to stay this way.
Yeah, we're having fun.
Yeah, it sure looks like it.
Now, am I wrong here,
- but aren't you supposed to be mine?
- Aren't you having fun, Andrea?
You know, you can have
much more fun if we had more time.
- I might know how.
- No.
Okay, maybe I don't,
but I know someone who might.
Phoebe, yeah.
She'll be at the party tonight.
Wait, I have the class roster.
I know where she lives.
Show us the way.
We're gonna eat, though, right?
- I don't think we should be messing...
- Why don't you go on ahead.
We'll catch up.
Now, why do you have to be
such a little troublemaker?
Thanks for keeping me company.
Better here than at the club
with Prue.
This boredom has turned her
into the demon of decoration.
Why don't they make a card that says,
"You used to be my whitelighter,
and now your wings are clipped,
and you're sleeping in my club"?
Or how about,
"You snooze, you lose,
and now I'm getting naked
with the neighbour."
Hey.
What about this one?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, very sweet.
And what is that supposed to say?
That says something in Portuguese,
but at least you won't have to worry
about him taking it the wrong way.
Thank you. Oh, no.
"To the special person who lights up
my day, I'll treasure you always."
- Oh, of course.
- And then I'll spit up on myself.
The girls in school are reading this.
The ones in my class.
We are so in right now.
We are not in, love is, and this stuff
gives people hope that they can find it.
Yeah, the problem is,
people think they can get into magic
without dealing
with the consequences.
None of this is like
in the Book of Shadows.
I mean, for one thing,
it doesn't really work.
I mean, normal people
can't make this work.
Right?
- Pheebs?
- Not without a little help.
I have to go call Prue.
I think I need her help with something.
Something to do? She'll be thrilled.
Okey-dokey.
Now, that's a card.
This will do.
Hello? Worker bees? Anyone?
This will ruin the dinner
that I'm gonna buy you tonight.
You are so sweet.
Piper red label?
Well, with a name like that,
I figured it would be the best.
I mean, this is our first holiday.
Granted, a holiday invented
by Hallmark,
but first, it's just the same.
Is that for me?
"To a dear friend
on Valentine's Day."
Piper, it's good to know
that you're deeply in like with me.
It isn't for me. It's for Leo, isn't it?
- What do you want me to say?
- How about "no."
Dan, you read it. Read it again.
It says "to a friend."
And I'm sorry, but I'm not interested
in ending that particular friendship.
I'm not sure that's all he sees it as.
I come with a past. We all do.
It's a package,
one I would like to share with you,
but you can't pick and choose.
- You get all of me.
- Do I?
Okay. I've gotta work.
So why don't I just see you tonight.
Fine.
Fine.
I just love Valentine's Day.
- You can't do this.
- This is going too far.
Rules, like cages,
were meant to be broken.
Okay, since leaving campus, you guys
have beaten a pedestrian to a pulp
and played chicken
with a car-pool mom.
- Are you on something?
- Or just your average crazy?
Look, Tessa seemed fine.
But if she's really not feeling well
like you said, we should go home.
- Or at least call her.
- Not yet.
We need Phoebe.
What...?
Oh, my God.
- What's happening?
- We're changing back.
The spell said this would happen.
Look, Phoebe's not here, and there's
nothing we can do to change things.
- It's not like we made up the rules.
- God, Tessa was right.
We shouldn't have done this.
She talked too much.
What are you doing?
Don't touch me.
- Guys, stop. This isn't fun anymore.
- Yes, it is.
Next time you want
a dangerous man,
might wanna make sure
he's not poisonous.
- Why'd you do that?
- Paper. Give me the paper.
Are they...
...dead?
They will be.
Wait a minute. Don't we need
both them and Phoebe for the spell?
- That's how it worked before.
- Four hours until we turn back.
Four hours until they die
from the poison.
I think that information might motivate
this Phoebe to help us.
Her scent, it's everywhere.
- But she's not here right now.
- Let's go home, okay, guys?
I've had enough.
We're not meant to be like this.
What?
Come on, guys, what? No.
Not me. Guys, stop. No! No! No!
I didn't think he'd ever shut up.
So since when can mortals
cast spells that actually work?
Look, I know that that book is probably
a total cheese-fest, but what if?
I mean, the spell called for
living objects, my premonition
and that guy who could leap
tall buildings in a single bound?
Something is wrong, I know it.
Higher education.
Maybe I need to come back
to college to study something.
- Oh, Ethan.
- Hey.
- What happened, honey?
- Oh, it's nothing. Some drunk frat guy.
Seems to be a lot of that
going around.
This is my sister Prue.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Well, I just knocked,
but nobody was in.
Thought I'd give them hell
for missing section.
Andrea and Brooke
would totally bail,
but it doesn't really seem
like Tessa, you know?
It is Valentine's Day.
Maybe they had something to do.
Do you?
Okay, gotta go. Busy, busy.
Nice meeting you, Ethan.
Nice to meet you,
and I'll see you tonight.
Okay.
All right.
- Back!
- Okay.
- I'm sorry, okay?
- Well, you're right.
Love takes a back seat to duty.
What's that about love
in the back seat? Because...
...Mom, Dad, your birth.
- That's disgusting.
- Sort of how you were...
My God, this place is a mess.
I mean, I know that boys are bad,
but this is a pigsty.
I don't think they did this.
- Hey, is this the spell book?
- Yeah.
- What was that?
- It's in the closet.
Look, Tessa, I know what you've
been through has been really hard,
but the only way that we can help you
is if you tell us what happened.
There's no way
that you'd understand.
You won't find two more understanding
people in this particular instance.
It just sounds so crazy,
and you're gonna think that I'm...
Very brave for facing whatever it is.
You remember that spell
that we showed you in class?
Well, it worked.
Not like it helped us meet guys,
it helped us make guys
out of animals.
And you did this
from the spell in that book?
Yeah, and we even played back the
tape that we were recording in class
so we could hear your corrections
to the spell.
But before we had a chance
to chant the new version,
I mean, there they were.
All right, so what is it that you think
these men want with you?
I don't know.
Maybe it's our fault because we tried to
make them into something they're not.
No, you can't blame yourself
for the actions of other people.
We're gonna fix this.
First, we have to fix you.
I'll be right back.
If I were hydrogen peroxide,
where would I be?
- Phoebe?
- Prue, where do we keep
the hydrogen peroxide?
Oh, my God.
He was one of them,
except he didn't look like that.
- The spell must be wearing off.
- They're starting to look and act
- more like animals.
- Look, they've killed one of their own.
There's no telling what they'll do
or what they've done to your friends.
- Do you know what they want?
- You.
- What?
- They're having fun,
and they wanna stay this way. Andrea
told them you'd be able to help them.
Okay, where are they now?
There.
That's where they think you'll be.
Hey. Hey.
- You guys need some help?
- You could say that.
- I think we're out of gas.
- What can I do for you?
Well, you could not scream.
Okay, ladies, Papa's got
a brand-new set of wheels.
Prue, the place is full of snakes.
How am I supposed to pick out
the right one?
Did I mention I have
dinner plans with Dan?
Okay, you're five minutes away? Okay,
as fast as you can would be good.
- Everything okay?
- Of course not.
Prue and Phoebe have found
a problem. Two of them, actually.
And they're bringing their dates here.
On a night when you have
a date of your own, huh?
Just earmark anyone
looking for Phoebe.
They're coming here
to try and find her.
Excuse me,
you wouldn't happen to know
if Phoebe Halliwell is anywhere
around here, would you?
She should be here any minute,
and if you sit down and don't move,
you'll have a perfect view.
You think he's...?
- Could be.
- Let me help.
No, Leo. Thank you,
but now that you've lost your wings,
I don't want you to get hurt.
Hey.
- You my Valentine?
- I hope so.
- Especially after...
- Today.
Well, tonight's tonight.
So let's get started.
About that.
You're kidding.
Just tell me you're kidding.
- What?
- Wait, let me guess.
It's something with your sisters.
Or maybe you'll be vague
and just say,
"Something important's come up."
Or my favourite of all time,
"It's a matter of life and death."
Actually, what I was going to say,
if you would let me,
is that I'm running a little late,
and could you please
wait for me at the bar?
Phoebe?
Are you okay?
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Piper's destressing in the alcove.
Tessa, Leo. Leo, Tessa. Can you
watch her for us for a little while?
- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.
- How's the spell coming?
- It'd be coming a lot better
if I had a pinch of the salt of life.
- We got the salt of margarita.
- I will take it.
On this day of love,
let's show a little for Janice Robinson.
So who are you?
I'm...
...just a friend.
Hey, how's my stressed-out sister
and her something?
Well, we've moved past "something"
and straight into "everything."
The view sucks. I don't recommend it.
How goes the battle plan?
We didn't find anything
in the Book of Shadows.
Which makes sense,
because the ani-men or whatever
were created by careless magic,
not supernatural evil.
- So where does that leave us?
- In the hands
of our spellbinding sister,
who's writing a little hocus-pocus
to turn these men back into animals
before they get
completely out of control.
Easier said than done.
I do not work well under pressure.
- Any sign of them?
- Well, I've been watching that one,
who came in looking for Phoebe,
but he doesn't seem so creepy.
Yeah, the only magic Phoebe
wants to work on him is personal.
That's her date.
Why do we seem to have a habit
of gathering our men
at the scene
of a supernatural smackdown?
- It's part of our charm.
- Hey, ladies.
Hey, Darryl, please tell me
you're here
for a nice romantic evening
with your wife.
No, that would be what I'm late for.
- Join the club.
- I'm here as a friend.
It's not my case, but I've heard a buzz.
String of violent crimes from campus,
through your neighbourhood,
all the way here to the parking lot.
Stolen blue Grand Marq
the assailants were driving?
Parked outside.
Couple of units are on the way, so...
- Thanks for the heads-up.
- I'll warn security.
- Here.
- Oh, thanks, Leo.
Tessa says Andrea
and Brooke aren't here.
But they are.
Phoebe. So nice to smell you.
He just spotted me.
- How are we doing on that spell?
- You keep throwing
this "we" word around,
and I don't see you doing anything.
- Wait.
- Darryl, no.
Darryl, wait.
Okay, I got it.
Make us human, or by the time
you find your friends, they'll be dead.
Something wicked in our midst
In human form, these spirits dwell
Phoebe, no.
Make them animals sayeth the spell
Phoebe, they hid the girls.
Okay, we need to keep them human
until we find out where they are.
- Okay, what's going on?
- The good news...
...is the spell worked.
And the bad news?
The spell worked on everyone.
I don't have a permit
for this kind of party.
Old MacPiper had a farm
E-l-E-I...
Was that a moo?
- Phoebe, fix this.
- Rome was not built in a day, Piper.
Yeah, but my club was ruined
in the blink of an eye.
At least we don't have to try and figure
out what species our innocents are.
Yeah, but if Tessa's right,
and they're not here, then what?
Well, right before you cast the spell,
the snake said something about,
if we don't make them human,
- then the girls will die.
- So how much time do we have?
Tessa said the spell lasts for 24 hours,
and they cast it at midnight, so...
That's in 35 minutes.
Didn't Morris say something about
the men's stolen car parked outside?
Yeah, followed by...
...the police, who are
on their way here right now.
Okay, you know, I made this mess,
let me clean it up.
You have to find Brooke and Andrea,
because if my premonition was right,
- As they always are.
- They were both bitten by that snake,
which means if they don't get
medical attention, they could die.
We'll go try and find something
in the car that will lead us to them.
Okay, Phoebe,
you try and turn this room back,
and we will try to find the girls, and...
Go kiss someone else.
Let's take these guys with us,
make sure they don't turn human.
Are you sure we got the right ones?
Yeah, it was the only
rabbit and snake next to each other.
And the only two that put up a fight.
Whoa, they're fleeing.
Piper, how about
a little supernatural corral.
Thank you.
Okay. I would like you all to know
that I am vegetarian, okay?
I have never eaten any of you.
Why do I have to carry
the poisonous snake?
- Because you're the oldest.
- So?
So you've lived a full life.
Wait, you think that's the car
over there?
What, do you want me to ask them?
You know what? You're a smartass.
Come on, we don't have much time.
No. Bad dog!
Lxnay on the icking-lay.
You know what?
Nobody bothers the witch, okay?
If we all remain calm,
I will have everything under control
and back to normal, all right?
- Nothing. Now what?
- Trunk.
Oh, my God.
They have a pulse.
It's still there, but it's faint.
- We need to get them to the hospital.
- All right.
Undo the magic acted here
Reverse the spell so all is clear
Back off, Thumper.
- What's happening?
- Phoebe reversed the spell.
- Piper, hold on.
- What do you mean?
How's it feel to be a man now?
What do you say we wake up
Dr Poison here and move him...?
Move Thumper there
right into his fangs?
I've got a better idea.
Come on.
Well, at least we're human
for good now.
Shut up.
So it looks like they got
what they wanted.
They get to be treated like humans.
And caged like them too.
You three sure are rewriting
my book on public service.
- So the girls are gonna be okay?
- Yeah.
They're on the way to the hospital.
I think you found them just in time.
How did...?
I'm not gonna even ask.
Remember when our biggest
concern on Valentine's Day
was who to spend it with?
Still is.
Yeah, maybe for you.
I was dateless tonight.
Oh, speaking of dates,
don't I have one in there?
You know, I never knew how
exhausting not having a job could be.
- Table four needs to be bussed.
- Okay, I'm serious.
It's like having a job sort of made this
whole charmed thing less stressful.
It gave me something else
to worry about.
So the Prue of old wins out after all.
I like being busy.
Then why mess with a good thing?
Yeah, I just need to find something
that I love getting busy at.
Speaking of getting busy,
check out our little sister.
Oh, my.
Let's just hope
she doesn't do '80s dancing.
Time to go home. Bye.
Stick around.
Janice Robinson will be back
with her second set
after a short break.
- Phoebe, there's something...
- Oh, no. In my teeth?
Oh, no.
That's... That's...
That's really strange.
You're not a beck-and-call
kind of girl. I get that.
I have a job that takes time,
a family that takes time,
and making you and me work
is gonna take time.
I need to know
you're willing to deal with it.
You know I am,
as long as you realize who I am.
Sometimes I...
I get jealous. I wonder where you are
and who you're with, and that's me.
But you can't make me
something I'm not.
Work with me, yes, but change me...
Relationships are hard work.
Especially on an empty stomach.
You think we can talk about this
over dinner?
Magic words.
Oh, I forgot my purse.
I'll meet you outside.
Okay.
Piper, when we first met,
you thought I was just a handyman.
Well, I'm a handyman again.
Same guy you fell in love with.
The same guy who fell in love
with you for who you are.
Remember that,
and know that I'm not giving up.