Charmed (1998–2006): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Wedding from Hell - full transcript

Mrs Allison Spencer, I presume?

You mean Mrs Allison
Michaels-Spencer, don't you?

- You wanna be alone?
- No.

- Not getting cold feet, are you?
- No, Elliot.

I am definitely not getting cold feet.

I love you, you know that.

But?

I don't know.
It's just so overwhelming.

I mean, after all these years of
dreaming about us getting married,

I just... I don't want anything bad
to happen, that's all.

I've got an idea. Let's elope.



Yeah, right, like your mom
would really allow that.

Elliot?

Speak of the devil.

- Hi, Mom.
- I have been looking all over for you.

- Did you get the marriage certificate?
- Not yet.

Well, you have to.
The wedding won't be legal without it.

We're going to city hall tomorrow,
before the rehearsal dinner.

- But why not go today?
- Mom, relax, will you?

Why are you so bent about this?

Who's that?

Oh, no.

Who is it?

Someone I haven't seen
for a long time.

- What are you doing here?
- Forget about our little pact?



No, Jade, but I was
hoping that you did.

My God, you haven't aged in 20 years.

You could've asked for
eternal youth, Grace,

instead of choosing wealth,
power, all of this.

You've had a good life, haven't you?

Where to?

Oh, have the butler
show you to our rooms.

Tell him Mrs Spencer
was expecting us.

You can't just move in here.

People will be suspicious,
what will I say?

Say the truth.

Say your son's had a change of heart.
That was our deal, remember?

Don't worry, Elliot won't even know
what you did until it's over.

Elliot!

Elliot!

No! Help me! No!

Piper?

Are you still in there?

- I'm almost done.
- Define "almost."

Just give me another minute.
Or two.

- You're positive?
- I hope not.

- Piper, I cannot be late today.
- I know the feeling.

My first biannual auction
starts tomorrow...

I wanna do a good job.
Yes, I know.

- So can you hurry?
- Just use the bathroom downstairs.

- All my stuff is up here.
- Well, borrow mine. It's all down there.

But then... Never mind.

Piper?

- I'll be right out.
- Is there any hot water left?

- What?
- Am I in for a cold shower, yes or no?

At certain times in our life, a cold
shower is probably a good thing.

Not three mornings in a row, it isn't.

Hello?

Okay, thanks. Bye.

The three of us need to figure out
some kind of a morning schedule.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

In the upstairs or downstairs
bathroom?

Maybe Phoebe can help me cater
the Elliot Spencer wedding tomorrow.

Shouldn't you check with the chef
who hired you first?

That would be Chef Moore.

Who is on his way to France.

And since, technically,
the contract is with Quake,

he is off the hook,
and I'm on the line.

Now I have to tell one of
the richest families in the city

that the chef they hired
can't do their wedding,

they're stuck with me.
And I hope they go for it.

Bright side? Who else
can they hire in 24 hours?

- It's not the end of the world.
- What's not the end of the world?

- Piper's problem.
- Oh, you know too?

- She just told me.
- How do you know?

- Oh, I...
- Piper can definitely handle this.

Frankly, I don't even think
anyone will notice.

- I thought maybe you could help me.
- Me? What can I do?

Pick up some supplies.
Tie some bows.

Offer moral support if I panic
and freeze anything.

- Ten bucks an hour.
- I'd take it.

Good luck with the wedding.

- So will you do it?
- Yeah, sure.

Okay, here's a list of supplies I need.

I'll go to the Spencer estate,
and you can meet me there at 1.

You and Prue were really just talking
about a wedding?

Yeah. What did you think
we were talking about?

Jeremy and his aftermath.
You know, you slept with him.

Don't ever mention
that warlock's name again.

It is over, he is in demon hell,
end of story.

Wedding, yes. Warlocks, no.
Am I clear?

Good, because there is nothing in me

that wants anything to do
with Jeremy ever again.

Don't touch those!

Yes, may I help you?

My name is Piper Halliwell.
I'm the caterer.

I have a Chef Moore
listed as the caterer.

Yeah, there's been a change.

Sorry, ma'am.

I've got ice sculptures melting over
wedding cake, I've got to get in now.

Someone will be with you
in a moment.

Please, I have to
get into the compound.

This is a matter of utmost importance.
I must get in.

Father Trask.
We've been expecting you.

- Hey, easy on the padre, buddy.
- Go right ahead in, ma'am.

She is the bearer of the demon child!
Beware Hecate!

Hecate?

Okay.

It's a Lassa warrior fertility goddess.
Very rare. And very powerful.

The tribe believed its mere presence
would help a woman conceive.

You take it. My biological clock's
not the one that's ticking.

Prue, your sister is here to see you.
She's waiting in your office.

Which sister?

The one who, on seeing your office,
said, "I should go back to college."

Phoebe. Well, for once,
her timing is good.

The fertility icon
has been catalogued.

I'm sorry, it's no longer available.

Hannah.

That was very careless of you.

You should know for whom
we acquired this.

Her sister's catering the wedding.

Prue won't even be there.

Oh, gotta go.

This place rocks! No wonder
you never wanna come home.

- Get out of my chair.
- I love, too, that you found time

to scribble a morning shower schedule
for we Halliwell sisters.

- I noticed that I'm last.
- What are you doing here?

I thought you were helping Piper
with the wedding?

I am, but I need to talk to you.

You've got five minutes. Go.

Okay.

I had a vision this morning,
and in this vision...

...a thing was being born.

So I started to think back,
six, eight weeks ago.

- Oh, my God, you're pregnant.
- What?

That's why you came back
from New York, isn't it?

No, but I shouldn't be surprised
that you would think that.

After all, I am the irresponsible sister,
the black sheep who always screws up,

the dark cloud over
the Halliwell household.

- Phoebe.
- Okay, I'm not pregnant.

- But then why...?
- Excuse me, I still have two minutes.

FYI, you have another sister
who has had sex.

Remember Jeremy?

The guy who blew up in the attic?
The warlock boyfriend?

Think about it, Prue,
because it wasn't me in that vision

having the demon child.

It was Piper.

So if you won't believe me,
you can believe my power.

You have to stop calling here,
Allison, do you understand?

Do I understand? Are you kidding me?

What the hell is going on?
Why won't Elliot return my calls?

- I can't explain right now.
- You damn well better explain

because I am not leaving here
until you do.

I've called the police, the sheriff,

nobody will listen to me,
nobody believes me!

- I know how hard this must be...
- Who is this Jade?

She's an old acquaintance
of the family.

I don't believe that.
Elliot would've told me about her.

There are many things about our
family that you will never understand.

Then let Elliot explain it to me.

If he's gonna marry somebody else,
I wanna hear it from him.

It's over, Allison.
That is all you need to know.

Elliot doesn't love you anymore.

How can you say that?

I'm sorry.
He's going to marry Jade D'Mon.

Please don't ever call here again.

Keep that at a simmer, not a boil.

Hi, sis.

- Finally! Did you get everything?
- Most of it.

No, wait! I've got buns in the oven.

You're not kidding.

I expected you over an hour ago.
Where have you been?

- I went to see Prue.
- At the auction house?

That's all the way down...
What were you doing there?

Adding more bricks to the wall
between us.

Mrs Spencer and Miss D'Mon
will see you now.

- Miss D'Mon?
- The bride.

Jade D'Mon.

But I thought the bride's name
was Allison...

Does not like to be kept waiting.

Oh, my son is very lucky.

You're going to be
a beautiful bride, Jade.

Thank you, Grace.

Miss Piper Halliwell.

And her sister Chopped Liver.

Mrs Spencer, it's so nice of you
to see me.

Wow, your dress is beautiful.

I'd recognise the style anywhere.
It's a Shiro, isn't it?

Is it?

How are things in the kitchen?

Right on schedule.

The lobsters arrive tomorrow morning,
the hors d'oeuvres are ready,

Chef Moore is in France,
and the puff pastries are baking.

- What?
- Chef Moore's gone?

Yeah, I'll be handling the catering.

Charles, get me my pill.

My wedding, it's ruined!

Oh, my, no, no.
I would never let that happen.

I know you may have made
the deal with Chef Moore,

but I have been involved
with every step of the preparation.

So if you let me,
I can guarantee you a wedding

that your children and grandchildren
will talk about for generations.

Okay, okay. We don't need to
talk about children just yet.

Look. You don't know me.
Hell, I barely know me.

Okay, but I do know my sister, and she
is the best damn chef in this city.

No one, and I do mean no one,

puts the love and tender care
that Piper puts into her cooking.

So you should not only be grateful
that Chef Moore bagged out,

but you should
consider yourselves lucky.

If there is even the slightest hitch,
I will have your head.

Kidding.

Then it's settled.

No, actually, there's
just one more thing.

I need to confirm the party trays

for the bachelor and bachelorette
parties tonight.

It looks like no decision
has been made yet

about the type of deli sandwiches
for the bachelor party.

Whatever you decide is fine.

I think my son can make any decisions
about his own bachelor party.

Then we'll ask him together.

I thought it was bad luck
to see the bride before the... Ouch.

Come on.

- Is there a problem?
- No. No problem at all.

- I'm finished.
- Then go.

Hey, Darrin, come over here.

What's the matter?
What happened?

- The priest, he got away from us.
- What?

Check the perimeters, go.
All sectors, code three.

Father Trask is on the grounds.
Find him.

Elliot.

What have they done to you?

Listen to me, Elliot. You can't
go through with this wedding.

Jade doesn't love you.
She barely even knows you.

Well, if it isn't Allison.

- Allison?
- Yes.

Don't just stand there, call security.

- Of course.
- Don't bother, I was just leaving.

Let me show you the door.

Is that the alarm?

What happened?

Hey, that's the priest.

Don't forget, Elliot. Remember
what I said. It's not too late!

Don't hurt Allison!

Get in here.

Father Trask.

I banish thee.

Back to the underworld, Hecate.

Not today, Trask.

Now, get rid of him.

He's after the bride. Upstairs!

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

No worries.
This is all kind of freaky, huh?

You have no idea.

What my sister meant to say was,
"What is up with you and Elliot?"

- Phoebe.
- You love him, don't you?

With all my heart.

- Okay, well, if that's true, then...
- I've gotta go.

This is so sad.
We have to do something.

- Yeah, but what?
- I don't know.

We're good witches. It's our job, right?

I wouldn't be worrying
about Allison's problem just yet.

What the...?

How many times do
I have to go through this?

Until I'm sure I understand you.

You say Trask chased you
to the window?

Yes, with that big knife.

He was saying the most horrific things.
Crazy things.

He lunged at me.

I screamed and I ducked.

And the next thing I knew,
he was dead.

It was awful.

Can I go now?

I have, like, a million things to do
before my wedding tomorrow.

Sure.

Sorry the dead man on your driveway
was such an inconvenience.

Welcome to the lifestyles
of the rich and shameless.

Look at the window, Morris.

Look where Trask landed.

Tell me how anyone
could have jumped that far.

That's why we get paid
the medium bucks.

Figure it out.

Kirsten, killing a priest
was not part of our deal!

Word of advice, you keep your eyes
closed and your mouth shut.

In 24 hours, Jade will be pregnant.
This will all be over.

If anything happens
to my son, Elliot...

You should've thought about that
before you agreed to our arrangement.

And let me remind you
of one more thing, Mrs Spencer.

We're still on the second floor.

You wanted to see me, Prue?

Yeah, I wanted to know what you
wanted me to do with the fertility icon?

- Sorry?
- Well, it's the companion piece

to the female icon. The one that
you didn't want catalogued before?

Oh, right, yeah.

Yeah, by all means, go ahead
and tag this one for the auction.

That particular client only wanted
the female icon.

Okay.

It's a wedding gift, actually.
Quite an exquisite one, at that.

For the Spencer bride.

Spencer? Really?
My sister's catering that wedding.

Is she? Small world.

Is that the sister that I met, Phoebe?

No, I have another sister, Piper.
Although Phoebe will be helping out.

I see. And what about you, then?

Me?

I don't do weddings.

No, I was just wondering how close
you and your sisters were.

Anyway...

...carry on.

Well?

Fortunately, you're right.
Prue won't be in attendance.

- Does that mean we can still go?
- No. No, I'm afraid not, it's too risky.

Don't pout, Hannah.
I'm sure we'll think of something to do.

Perhaps we could go
to a football match.

And watch some players get injured.

I'll come back when you're alone.

No, it's okay, I'm finished.

Somebody just put
a sticky inventory tag on his...

- On the...
- Artefact?

Yes. Yes, the artefact.

I should know that word,
shouldn't I?

Where is your...?

Artefact?

- Right here.
- May I?

It's all yours.
It's the knife I called you about.

Thanks for seeing me
on such short notice.

Any time. I'm happy you called.

This poignard is exquisite.

Fourteenth century, Italian.

"Nec prius absistit
quoad protero prodigium."

My Latin's a little rusty.
"He shall not...?"

"I shall not.

I shall not rest until
the demon is vanquished."

Let me see what else I can find.

- You found this at a crime scene?
- It was on the victim.

What was on the suspect?
Chain mail and a coat of armour?

It belonged to a priest.

He was at the Grace Spencer estate.

The Spencer estate?

Piper's catering
a wedding there tomorrow.

I know, I saw her and Phoebe.

Don't worry. They're fine.

This can't be a coincidence.

What?

Nothing, I'm just mumbling to myself.

Do you mind if I keep this
for a while?

I would like to show it
to Russell in Armaments.

Sure, I checked it out
so you could research it.

Great. I'll call you.

I knew I wasn't crazy.
Look at these matches.

Look at these napkins.
They all say "Allison and Elliot,"

- not "Jade and Elliot."
- That explains a lot.

And look at this. It's Chef Moore's
contract for the wedding.

At the top it says, "The wedding of
Allison Michaels and Elliot Spencer."

Allison is supposed to marry
Elliot tomorrow, not Jade.

That's probably why she was crying.

- I wonder what happened?
- Me too.

Could you imagine watching the man
you love marry somebody else?

- No. Poor Allison.
- Now we have to help her.

We're the only ones that know.
We're the only ones who can.

Okay, I can't hold this in any longer.

Your name isn't Piper,
and that's the good news.

You're really Hecate,
Queen of the Underworld.

You're pregnant with the demon child,
which means...

...l'm afraid I have to kill you.

- What?
- Not to worry. You have plenty of time.

I still have to find
the jewelled poignard to kill you with.

- See?
- Are you talking about this?

The odds, Piper.
What are the odds?

I am not pregnant. Trust me.

Well, that's good news.

Are you kidding? That's great news!

You can live!

Wait. My vision.

Phoebe, what is it that
you saw exactly?

Well, I saw the thing being born.

- Did you see Piper?
- Yes, I saw her legs.

- Never saw her face?
- No.

Hello, bickering sisters.

I am not pregnant,
but I am in the room.

Phoebe, how did you know
I took a pregnancy test?

I... I found the box in the bathroom.

You're supposed to take the trash out,
not dig through it.

Piper, it's not like that.

We're making
those bathroom schedules now.

We have bigger problems to deal with.
Cliffs Notes version:

The priest who was killed today,

he belonged to a secret order
pledged to stop Hecate.

"Beware Hecate,"
that's what Father Trask said.

- Then he tried to kill Jade.
- Yeah, she's a demon.

She comes to Earth every 200 years.

She has to find an innocent,
put him under her spell

and marry him
in a sanctified wedding.

That doesn't sound any different than
most of the single women in this city.

Well, she needs Elliot
to impregnate her.

That way, her child would look
normal on the outside.

But internally and mentally,
her child would be pure demon.

This is huge,
a child born into

the wealth and power
of the Spencer family?

And I don't think it's a coincidence
that you're catering the wedding.

I think it's one of those things

that we can kind of look forward to
as protectors of the innocent.

Well, before we ruin the wedding,
and my career,

let's make sure
we're right about Jade.

This should make his assets rise.

Looks like a normal
bachelorette party to me.

I don't believe it.
They've barely touched my food.

- Piper.
- Those deli trays took hours.

And you know who this is from.

They understand how important it is
for you to get pregnant right away.

Hey, I know that piece.
It's from the auction house.

Come in.

Hi, pizza delivery.

They ordered pizza?

Okay, now I feel better.

- He looks good enough to eat.
- Good idea.

Girls, I'm the bride.

Somehow we have to stop them.

So there's only one problem
with our plan.

We're assuming that Allison
is gonna be a willing accomplice.

She still loves Elliot.
You heard what she said.

The Book of Shadows says
that the spell can be broken

by a declaration of love,
sealed with a kiss.

It's so romantic, just like a fairy tale.

And once Elliot is out of his spell,
Jade's out of luck.

No wedding,
no honeymoon night.

No honeymoon, no sex.

And no sex, no monster child spending
alternate weekends with daddy.

I still say we rely on our
power-of-three thing

and ix-nay the monster bride
and her carnivorous bridesmaids.

Phoebe, we're supposed to
help people, not harm them.

And that's exactly
what we're gonna do.

You two will get Elliot,
I'll get Allison.

We'll meet at the front gate
no later than 2:30.

Everybody have their weapons?

I'll take that.

Okay, so it's time to shower, shampoo
and go kick some Hecate butt.

- Did she just say "shower"?
- She did, didn't she?

- Hot water!
- Hot water!

Yeah. Okay. Thanks.

- M.E. report?
- It is now officially a homicide.

The priest's neck was broken
before he went out the window.

- Told you.
- So what?

You're saying that that little
120-pound blushing bride

tossed him out the window?

I don't think so.

The security tapes from the estate
might show us who did.

Yeah.

That's a good idea.

I already had them
sent to the station.

You did, did you?

- Allison Michaels?
- Yes. Prue Halliwell?

Hi, thanks for coming. Come in.

You said it was important.

Where did you get this?

This won't take long, I promise.

I'll need those in the kitchen
right away.

Yes, ma'am.

No, no, no! Not in the sun.
Get an umbrella.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't we
trying to stop this wedding?

You're right. I just can't help myself.

- Forget the food. Let's go.
- Okay.

And everything was fine,
right on schedule...

...until about six days ago.

That's when Jade appeared
out of nowhere

and started working at
the Spencer family business.

Before I could say, "I do," I was out
and she was in. End of story.

- Did you talk to Elliot?
- They wouldn't even let me see him.

Not a big surprise.

It wouldn't make
any difference anyway.

The Elliot I know, the Elliot I love,

isn't here anymore.

What if I told you Elliot isn't himself,
because this woman...

...has put him under a spell,
so to speak?

Allison, Elliot loves you, not Jade.

If that were true,

I would be the one
walking down the aisle today.

You still can be. All you have to do
is crash your wedding.

- What?
- Look, it's not that crazy.

The man that you love
is marrying somebody else.

Don't you wanna stop him?

This isn't a fairy tale.
Real life doesn't work that way.

But what if you can get him back?

Do you really wanna spend
the rest of your life just wondering?

In your heart of hearts,
you must still love him.

I do. God, I really do.

- Then let me help you.
- But you don't even know me.

Why would you want to help me?

Have you ever seen
that television show

where there's the woman
who's an angel,

and she helps strangers
every week?

I love that show.

Don't get too excited,
I'm nothing like that.

But my sisters and I,
we have special gifts.

Gifts? What kind of gifts?

Ones you can't return.

Let's just say we come from
a very interesting family tree.

Look, if you can, if you'll trust me...

...we can bring
you and Elliot together.

Here we are, finally.

Your big day.

Forgive me, son.

Stripper-eating bridesmaid ahead.

Keep walking.

We need to talk to Mr Spencer.

No one sees the groom
before the ceremony.

Actually, that's the bride.
This will only take a minute.

What part of "no"
did you not understand?

The non-original part?

- Is there a problem?
- Don't even get me started.

Could we talk to you for a sec?
Lt'll... You know, in private?

Certainly.

- Is everything all right?
- It's about your son.

What's wrong?

Well, he...

He... He's not supposed
to marry Jade.

- I know.
- You do?

I know more than you could
possibly imagine.

- We can help him.
- No on can help us. It's too late.

No, we have a plan.
We can stop the wedding.

Go to the wine cellar.

Wait for me there.
I'll join you in ten minutes.

I'm sorry,
there's nothing I can do for you.

Did you hear that?

Not to worry. We still have
30 minutes before the wedding.

- This is bad.
- Real bad.

- Freeze them.
- I'm trying, it's not working!

Yes, it is. Look, you froze the fly.

You have to be closer to the object
you're trying to freeze.

Forget it. Run!

Here you go, inspector.

Man, the Spencers sure go in
for a lot of security.

Those cameras should've
picked up something

around the time
the priest was killed.

It's 2:40, could we have missed them?

I hope not. Where are they?

- Hello?
- Piper, where are you?

We're down in the wine cellar. Help.

This is from me,
your something borrowed.

Faust. I love this.

I read it the last time I was here.

What about my something blue?

You're right.

Nothing's bluer than the heart
of a mother giving away her only son.

It's just two women talking.
You can't even hear them.

What, you don't read lips?

Something, "Killing a priest
wasn't part of our deal."

Damn. You're good.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
today to celebrate this sacred union

as we join this man and this woman
in holy matrimony.

Okay, they're really close now.
Freeze them.

Great.

Piper, Phoebe, duck!

Are you guys okay?

- Nice timing.
- Where's Allison?

I've got her upstairs. Come on.

If there's anyone here
who knows of a reason

these two should not to be joined,

speak now
or forever hold your peace.

We have a reason.

I love you, Elliot.

- Why, you little witch.
- Hey!

By Asteria and Perses,

open, sky, and do you worst!

You're coming with me.

Come on.

This is exciting.
I wonder what's going on here.

Quick, we have to banish them
back to the underworld.

The poignard, it's gone.

Elliot!

Prue, do something.

Whoever you three are,

thank you.

We did that.

And they'll live happily ever after.

I wonder if we will.

Of course we will,
why shouldn't we?

That's easy for you to say.

You'll never greet your husband with,
"Honey, I think I froze the kids."

No, I've just accidentally moved them
to another zip code.

But I will see them, find them
and bring them back safely.

If I can ever learn
to control my powers.

If any of us can.

Oh, just think of the obstacles
that Allison and Elliot have overcome.

If they can do it, so can we.

I guess true love does conquer all.

Especially if you have
separate bathrooms.

Speaking of true love...

Fancy seeing you here.

Yeah, isn't it?

I wanted to give this back to you.
I'm finished with it.

How'd you know I'd be here?

I didn't, I was gonna drop it off
after the wedding.

Shall we talk about this
in private, Prue?

- So you believe in destiny?
- He believes in destiny.