Charlie's Angels (1976–1981): Season 5, Episode 12 - Stuntwomen Angels - full transcript

A man dressed as an archer is causing accidents at Mammoth studios. The Angels go undercover as stunt women (after taking a crash course at Big Teddy's stunt school). The main target seems to be the stunt coordinator working on 'Lady West' and 'Marian and her Merry Maidens', the latter being a remake of an Errol Flynn classic.

CHARLIE: Once upon a time,
there were three beautiful girls.

Two of them graduated
from the police academy.

The other graduated from
a top school for models.

And they each reaped the rewards

of their exciting careers.

But I took them away from all
that and now they work for me.

My name is Charlie.



Oh, what about the set's budget?

On which production?

On Lady West. Have
you seen the figures?

Yes, I've seen them.

Then I can tell
production you approve?

I don't approve,

but there doesn't seem to
be much I can do about it

since we finish
shooting next month.

I don't wanna discuss
it now, I'm going home.

You can call me there, okay?




Well, don't just stand there,
you idiots. Go after him.

My God! Oh, my God!

Stop "my Godding."
Go get a doctor.

Hang on. You're
gonna be all right.

Shall we assume, Mr. Tobias,

that the arrow that
hit your chauffeur

was meant for you?

Definitely. Can
you hurry with that?


No, no. First the
ice, then the bitters.

Ah, this is the third incident

that's happened at
the studio, Mr. Tobias?

Yes, and you can
call me Jonathan.

How democratic.

Was anyone else hurt
in the first two incidents?

No, a wardrobe designer
was coming to my office

when, zap, an arrow
dug in the lawn by her feet.

Good, now slowly with the soda.

And when did the first
incident take place?

TOBIAS: About three weeks ago.

A stunt gaffer was
rigging some trampolines

for a period picture
we're shooting.

You're doing it right now.

I'm so glad.

Anyway, zap goes an
arrow into the trampoline.

Scares him half
out of his residuals.

He up and quit.

Your studio security
has had no luck at all?

Negative. Everyone
at the studio is uptight.

It's starting to affect morale,

and sooner or later,

that will affect
production cost.

I'm afraid the whole
thing has the smell

of an inside job.

I agree. We're gonna need
some good cover roles, Charlie.

Well, Charlie has
already seen to that.

Uh, you'll contact an
old friend of Charlie's

called Big Teddy.

And he will give
you your instructions.

Big Teddy?

You'll love him, Julie.
He's tops in his field.

If he's tops in his
field, whatever that is,

how come he's
not working for me?

I only hire the best.

Good for you.

TOBIAS: Perfect. Stop pouring.

You have just learned
how to properly construct

a Jonathan Tobias special.

No kidding.

And, uh, what's it used for?

Well, when the pressure builds,

when your tummy
tells you it's not happy,

when you gotta deal with
the jerks of our industry,

then you drink it down, and
voilaa, now you can cope.

And nothing and no
one can get to you.

You promise?

I said it. It must be true.




Hey, this really works.

I think maybe we'll be able
to work for you, Jonathan.


KELLY: Listen, Big Teddy,

I really hadn't planned
on anything like this.

Are you listening
to me, Big Teddy?

Just tip off the platform
like I showed you.

When I yell "tuck," ” tuck,

and it will lay you
out flat in the bag.

Now, come on.



TEDDY: Tuck!


Kelly, speak to me.

Speak to me.

Do I have all my parts?

Uh, I think so.

Aah. Are they in the
proper arrangement?

Uh, I think so.

Oh, Kelly, you were
so brave to go first.

What do you mean brave?
We drew straws and I lost.

I cheated.

Oh, how could you do that?

Fear. Simple fear.

TEDDY: All right, who's next?


You wouldn't wanna
draw straws, would you?

Ha-ha! With you?

Kris, wouldn't you have cheated

if you were the one
who held the straws?

We'll go together.

JULIE: No! Aah!


Go for it, girls!

Well, having fun?

I'm not speaking to you.

TEDDY: Are you ready?

All right, go.


TEDDY: Tuck.



Well done.

TEDDY: Are you ready? Come on.

All right now.

Oh, my God.

Come on, let's
go. All right now.



TEDDY: Tuck.


Well, I am very impressed.

Drop dead.


I thought you weren't
speaking to me.

You know, it wouldn't
hurt if I reminded you all

that this was Charlie's
idea and not mine.

It wouldn't hurt
and it wouldn't help.



JULIE Where's Kris?

Oh, she's gonna
be a little late.

Oh, bad for the
first day on the job.

Oh, she had to go
see her chiropractor.

Evidently, she
displaced something

trying to please Big Teddy.

BOSLEY: Oh, I see.

Yeah, I thought you would.

Well, I must say that
after just one week

at Big Teddy's Stunt School,

you two have certainly
acquired the look.

You too.


Yeah, you've acquired
the look of someone

who's been stuffing his face

while we're
sweating our buns off.

Well, yes, but if I
am to play the role

of an Eastern film financier,
I have to look the part, right?


Tell me, how did you arrange
for three unknown stunt ladies

to get called on this lot?

Oh, Charlie and our client

pulled a few strings
with the unions

and the local
stuntwomen's group.


Here we go.

Huh, I'm to report

to Marian and Her
Merry Maids set?

Yes. That's the period picture
that our client mentioned.

And I'm going to Lady West.

Right. That is the Western flick

our client is shooting.

You see, the
demographics indicate

that a contemporary
Western theme

with a female star
as the protagonist

has a credible
market in the Midwest

for an age range
audience of say, 12 to 35.

Well, Bosley,

you certainly have picked
up on the lingo, haven't you?

Just my natural
leadership qualities

coming to the fore.

Shall we step into
the magical world

of make-believe?

JULIE: Okey-doke.



Bosley, John Bosley.

I believe Mr. Tobias
is expecting me.

Okay, why don't you go...?

All right, you go to Stage 19.

That's up there to the
left. Follow the numbers.

Okay. Bye.


"Marian and Her Merry Maids."


Well, you're a pretty maid.
You know that, don't you?

And you sure are a
fine figure of a man.

Ooh, she speaks with
sweetly blessed lips.

And each word flies
like tender doves

upon the morning air.


Beneath that uniform
beats the heart of a poet.

Ah, I wish it could be so.

What is it they say?

All things are possible?

That's right. That's
what they say.


Stage 12. To the right.
Follow the numbers.

Thank you.


MAN: All right, get
the fans for the air bag.

Everybody take their places.
We're going to try a take.

MAN: Okay, here's the gag.

You two guys come
along the porch.

I will fire an off-stage gun.

You duck down, the
squibs go off behind you.

You figure you need hostages,
you each grab one of the girls,

you put the girls
in front of you

and then you dive off the porch

into the haystack.

Any questions?

Got it.

Okay, let's do one.

You stand right over here.

Don't you move now.

Hey, partner,
would you, uh... 7?

Would you mind if I said
this dance was already taken?


MAN: Let's hold the noise.

All right, quiet now.

And rolling.

WOMAN: Sound's ready.


And action.



Hey, hold it.



Hey, are you okay?

I think so. What happened?

MAN: He happened, again.


Angels, I'm having second thoughts

about you three being
stuntwomen as your cover.

Oh, I think it's a little late
for second thoughts, Charlie.


I take it've
picked up some bruises.

You know, the area
between your left elbow

and your left shoulder, Charlie?

That's where it hurts?

No, that's where
it doesn't hurt.


Oh. Well, I think
we'd better come up

with another sort of cover.

We've already established
ourselves as stuntwomen.

If we switch now, somebody's
gonna get suspicious.

BOSLEY: Good point.

I'm afraid we are going
to have to stick it out.

Who's we, kemosabe?

All you've been
doing is chowing down

in the executive dining room.



but I have kept my ear
to the ground, so to speak.

And guess what I came up with.

A flat ear.




Our client, Mr. Tobias,

has been locked
in a corporate battle

with the studio
board of directors.

What are they battling about?

Mr. Tobias wants
total artistic control

and the board doesn't
wanna give it to him.

For example, there was a
lot of opposition to Mr. Tobias

when he asked to do a remake
of Marian and Her Merry Maids.

A remake?

BOSLEY: Well, so to speak.

You see, the studio
shot it 30 years ago

under a different
title with a male star.

And it was a real blockbuster,
to employ the jargon.

And now they don't
think it's commercial?

Well, you'll all
see for yourselves

when you report to work tomorrow

at the set of Marian
and Her Merry Maids.

And you had something
to do with that.

Yes, as a matter of fact.

I felt that there was
safety in numbers.

So I saw to it that from now on

all three of you will be
working on the same set.

Good thinking, Bosley.

Is Marian and Her Merry Maids,

is that old-fashioned?

KELLY: The costumes may be
period, but the pain may be very real.



JULIE: Kris. KRIS: What?

JULIE: A person could
get hurt doing this.

KRIS: Let's go see
what Kelly is up to.


And cut.



Did you get it?

Print it. That's
beautiful, ladies.

Thanks very much.

Take 10 while we
set up the next shot.

Everybody okay?

Thank you.




Well, you merry maids

sure came down
hard on the old sheriff.

Well, he is the
heavy in the piece.

Cute, huh?

By the way, I met a new friend.

This is Ellen Travers
and her husband, Jeff.


Howdy. And it's Stanowitch.

I beg your pardon?

It's Jeff and Ellen Stanowitch.

Travers is just a name
her agent dreamed up.

Not so ethnic, he claims.

Oh, I see.

JEFF: I don't know what's
wrong with ethnic, though,

but she went along with
the sawed-off little jerk.

Jeff, he's not a jerk.

Ah, but he is sawed-off.

As in short, you know.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Weren't you elected

Miss National Rodeo
Queen last month?

Yes, I was.

I'm surprised you'd
remember that.

We're trying to forget.

Anyway, it was swell
meeting you, folks.

Come on, honey, I'll get
a blanket for your legs.

Oh, that's okay,
they're not cold.

I know best. Come on.

Be seeing you.

Okay, bye.


Hey, isn't that Micklin,

the stunt gaffer we
worked with the other day?

I wonder what he's doing here.

They're calling in all
the heavy-duty personnel

on this production. Big bucks.

There's a major stunt
coming off this afternoon.


Oh, wow, that ought
to be fun to watch.

I don't think
you'll be watching.

How come?

We're gonna be in it.




Well, now you
understand what I need?

I'm afraid so.

What did she say?

Uh, she said she's not afraid.

Okay, uh, when the other lady

jumps out of the tree and
stops the three fellows,

we swing down and
knock them off their horses.

All right, right.

But keep the action
going till [ yell cut.


Piece of cake.

I never knew Sherwood
Forest was on a sound stage.

Movie magic.

All right.

All right, now we'll roll
then I'll cue the horsemen.

Micklin ready?
Yes, he's all set.

You gonna be okay?

Ah. Easy as
falling out of a tree.

She said it, I didn't.

Okay, let's do it.

Okay, quiet now and roll them.

WOMAN: Speed.

DIRECTOR: And action.

If I should die before I wake...


That's far enough, sheriff.


Cut. Print.
Beautiful. Beautiful.


MAN 1: Help me. Help me, please.

MAN 2: Okay.


MAN 3: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

KRIS: Get a doctor!

I'll get him.


KELLY: Lie still. Don't move.

It's important you don't move.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

I just knew something
like this would happen.

I told her not to get involved
in all this movie craziness.

I told her!

Just calm down, Jeff.
It's gonna be okay.

I can't calm down
and it's not okay.

And the name is Stanowitch,
Jefferson Stanowitch!

Mr. Stanowitch, did
you see who did it?

Some guy.

Some screwball stepped
out from behind those walls

in some dumb
outfit and shot her.

He just plain shot her.

I knew it.

I just knew you'd get hurt.


CHARLIE: How is Ellen doing?

Bos and Kelly are at
the hospital, Charlie.

Kris is on the other
line with them now.

It seems we're making
very little progress

on the case.

Yeah, I know. And meanwhile,
people are getting hurt.

Well, there's obviously
a common denominator

in all these incidents.

Our freaky fellow

with the arrows and
the pointed shoes

is concentrating his hostility
on Marian and Her Merry Maids.

Hold on, Kelly.

But we were working on a western

when the arrow hit the
air bag, to coin a phrase.

Wait a minute.

Maybe the arrow wasn't
aimed at the air bag.

Maybe the arrow was aimed
at Micklin, the stunt gaffer.

He was standing right next
to the bag when it happened.

That's true.

And Micklin was
hired on as stunt gaffer

on Merry Maids
the very next day.

That's right.

Maybe we should do
some heavy research

into the Merry Maids production.

You know, Charlie,
something occurs to me.

Marian and Her Merry
Maids is a retitled remake.

Which means what?

Well, I don't know.
Maybe nothing.

But I think it's worth
looking at the original film.

We might get an idea or two.

Not a bad thought.

I'll call our client,

have him set up a
screening at the studio

first thing in the morning.

Bye, Kelly.

Well, Ellen got out of surgery

and it looks like
she's gonna be okay.

Oh, thank God.



JEFF: She's gonna be all right?

KELLY: She's gonna
be fine. Good as new.

I'd never forgive myself
if she was really hurt bad.

Well, it's not your fault
that there's some crazy

running loose around the studio.

Well, it's my fault
for not being stronger.

I told her not to get
involved in all this,

but she pleaded and I gave in.


Hi. How do you feel?

Uh, I hurt.

Don't you worry.

As soon as you get out
of here, we're packing up

and heading right back to
Arizona where we belong.

Tell her I'm right.

Well, whatever makes
both of you happy.

Ellen, did you see
anything out there today?

I didn't see anything.

I felt the arrow hit me,

and I looked down,

got sick,

passed out.

KELLY: Ellen, sometimes
a person goes into shock

after an injury.

Then later, they
remember things.

Do you understand?

I think so.

Why are you asking
me all these questions?

Maybe this will,
uh... This will explain.

Townsend Detective Agency?

We're private investigators.

The studio hired us
to find our mad archer.

You're kidding. No.

So if you can remember anything,

anything at all that might help,

I want you to call.

We'll talk more later, okay?

Okay, you got a deal.

Thanks. We've gotta go.

I'll drop by tomorrow.

ELLEN: I'll be here.



You just get well, honey,
I'm taking you home.



You worked the Merry Maids
set yesterday, didn't you?


Did you see what happened?
The girl getting hurt, I mean?

No, I turned around and
she was on the ground.

It was crazy.

The whole studio about
ready to jump out of its skin.

Security called us here

and said to keep
an eye on everyone

going out of the gate.

How are you today?


I take it neither of you saw
anyone odd leaving the studio

after security alerted you.

If we arrested every odd person
who passes through the gate,

the entire industry would
have to close down, right?

Yeah, I suppose so.

The whole thing is
getting out of hand.

And I don't much like to
see young girls like yourself

putting yourselves
in harm's way.

Well, I'll keep a sharp eye.

You do that.

These are strange
times we live in

with cruel and
twisted paths ahead.




BOSLEY: What do you think?

Well, this original version of
Marian and Her Merry Maids

is nothing like
what we are doing.

What we're doing is garbage.

I was so young when I saw this.

I never realized
how classy it was.

It's so poetic and lovely.

Yeah, another
time, another place.

Perhaps a better place.

That Errol Flynn
was really something.

Yeah, he was one of
my favorite movie heroes.

Listen, would there be any
point to getting a rundown

on all the people
involved in this production?

And names of the people
that are involved in the remake?

You know, do some
in-depth research?

Good idea. We might
get a connection.

Well, it's a long shot.

What else have we got?

KRIS: Nothing else.

That could be really
tough research.

This movie was made
over 30 years ago.

It's no problem.

Bosley will do it.

Bosley has done it.

Even as we speak, Charlie's
computer is humming

with a complete
rundown of everyone

even vaguely connected
with both productions.

What insight you have, Bos.

Aw, you needn't have said that.

Modest too.

Not really.

It was probably Charlie's idea.

That is an unkind cut, wench.

Though truly spoken.


Well, listen, we
better get to wardrobe.

Bye, Bos.

BOSLEY: I'm coming.



Oh, sire,

it is indeed the cruel
and crooked path

that lies before us.

There is a black-hearted
soul among our merry band.

But fear not, sire.

I will seek him out

and clear our good
and noble name.

You have my word.





If I put the camera over there,

what does it do to
your stunt diagram?

Well, I don't know.
Take a look at it.

All right. Look, this is...

Come on here, we'll put the...

It will be okay.


Well, I wonder what delights
are in store for us here.

I heard something about a brawl.

All right, all merry maids,
where I can see you.

Once more into the
breech, dear friends.


Well, hello.


How's your wife this morning?

She's coming along fine.


I came by to pick
up some of her things

in her dressing trailer.

Oh, yeah? I'm going
that way myself.

Hop in.



DIRECTOR: All right, folks.

Folks, listen. Listen, please.

Come on, we've
got a long afternoon

and I want your attention.

MAN: That over there is right in
George's way. Can we move it?


WOMAN: Hey, Tom,
according to my last timing,

this fight should
go three minutes,

but I can't tell how accurate
that is until we really do it.

MAN: Okay, we're ready.

Now, let's try a walk-through.

DIRECTOR: Now, these
stunts are rather involved

and we don't want
anybody to get hurt.

Because God knows
there's been enough of that

going around for the
past couple of weeks.

MAN: Remember your
positions, just like we rehearsed it.

Don't try to be heroes
now. Save it for the camera.



MAN: All right, now,
remember, this is just a rehearsal.

Take it easy, by the numbers.

MICKLIN: Okay, now the
idea is we create mayhem,

but all in fun.

MAN: Tell me when you
wanna set the breakaways.

We have two sets of doubles.

After that, we've two takes
if the jokers don't foul up.

MAN 2: Don't worry,
we'll do it one take.

MICKLIN: Now, the key stunt
people will handle the heavy stuff

as I've indicated
in the diagrams.

The rest of you will concentrate

on taking punches
and doing falls.

Again with the falling?

let's everybody pad up

and come back and we'll try one.


Oh, hi, Bos, what
are you doing here?

Charlie just sent over the
computer readouts on everyone.

So I picked them up at the gate

and caught a
lift over with Jeff.

How's Ellen?

She's gonna be
okay. KELLY: Great.

Did Charlie's computer
come up with anything?

I don't know, I haven't been
able to open the envelope yet.

Listen, I need to pick up
Ellen's clothes and stuff.

Her trailer's next to mine.
I'll show you where it is.

Fine. See you later.

Bye. KELLY: Bye.


Okay, all of you,

look at your diagram
and instruction sheets

that were given
to you yesterday.

We'll get into position

and then we'll walk through
the first series of moves.

All right, now, remember,
this just a rehearsal.


MICKLIN: The action starts

when the tavern
keeper picks up the guy,

lifts him over his head and
tosses him into the table.

MAN: Okay, we're ready.

All right, let's do one.


MICKLIN: Action.

MAN: Lift him up, over there...



You know, I have
dreams that look like this.

Hmm, yeah, but
when it speeds up,

I bet it's gonna feel a
lot more like a nightmare.



Hey, hey.

Is something wrong?

I'm not sure. But
according to this,

one of the featured
players with Errol Flynn

in the original
epic of Merry Maid

was an actor by the name
of Joseph Warnwright.

I never heard of him.

Oh, you wouldn't have.

He got out of the acting
business years ago.

But he's still
here at the studio,

working as a gate guard

under his real name,
which is Jake Webner.

Jake Webner, that's the old
guy who checked our passes.

One and the same.

I just called down at the gate,

he was supposed to report
back to work after lunch

20 minutes ago.

But it seems that
he's just disappeared.

Well, that may or may
not mean anything.

It might be just a
coincidence, Bos.

I know, I know.
But I just thought

that you should be told so
you could keep an eye out.


Why don't you call Kelly
in the dressing room?

Also, get her back here.

It's no fun getting
abused without her.



MAN: All right, now, let's
put the breakaways in.


MAN: That over there
is right in George's way.

That should do it.


DIRECTOR: All right, folks,
let's get ready for picture.

All right, now,
quiet and rolling.

WOMAN: Speed.




MICKLIN: Hold it! Hold it!
Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa.


This isn't the way we worked
on the scene at all here.

This isn't... You're not...

You should be back in
this area right here, okay?


MAN 1: Oh, my God!

WOMAN: Where did that come from?

MAN 2: Hey, what's going on?
WOMAN: Where did that come from?

MAN 3: This stinks.
WOMAN: Anybody got first aid?



MAN 3: Don't crowd him.
MAN 4: Don't lose him.

WOMAN 2: That hurt.
MAN 5: Get a blanket.




JAKE: Stop right there.

I don't want to hurt you.

What the devil's
going on around here?



Come on.

Hello, operator? I
want the number...

The number of a
dressing room trailer.

I hope everything works
out for you and Ellen.


And I hope you find out

who it was that hurt
her and the others.

By the way, what were
those computer readouts

Mr. Bosley was talking about?

Oh, we're doing a
computer rundown

on everyone connected
with the production in any way.

And, uh, how does that help out?

Well, a lot of
times, it doesn't,

but sometimes we get lucky.

Speaking of luck, I hope you
and Ellen have the best of it.


Thanks again for everything.



Oh, hi, Bos.

What? Are you sure?

Of course, I'm sure.

Kris and Julie are
bringing him down now.

Jake is the real mad archer.

KELLY: What do you mean?
Do we have more than one?

Well, in reading through
these computer sheets

that Charlie sent over,

I noticed that Ellen and
Jeff are also archery experts.

They do a bow-and-arrow
act on the rodeo circuit.

Ellen and Jeff are
archery experts?

You're certain of that?

Yes, I'm positive.

What the devil does that
have to do with anything?

Well, maybe nothing,
except that Jake Webner

couldn't have shot
Ellen yesterday.

He was on gate duty.

I'm positive.

I talked to the other guard
on the way to the stage today.

He and Jake were on duty

when security called
about Ellen being hurt.

Hang it up.

Go on, do it.

JEFF: Do it.

Listen to me! I swear I
didn't mean to hurt her.

I swear it!

I had to do it. I had to.

I had to get her
away from this place

or I was gonna lose her.

Open this door!

Listen to me. Listen
to what I'm saying.

I didn't mean to hurt her.
I just meant to scare her.

Make her think it was that
other guy, whoever he is.

I swear I didn't
mean to hurt her.

I swear it!

I can't let you tell Ellen.

Jeff, put it down.

Slow and easy.

Put it down, Jeff.


My name is Stanowitch!

Mr. Stanowitch.

That seems to be what
all the trouble is about.



Look at this.

Total inefficiency.

Wait till I get a hold
of the head man

of Studio Maintenance.

A room like this forgotten.

Gathering dust.

And I'm paying taxes on it.

Just gathering dust.

And weirdos in funny clothes.

You, I'm gonna send
to the funny farm.

You have any idea how
much money you cost me?

You've lost a great deal
more than money, Mr. Tobias.

Now, what is that
supposed to mean?

You've lost your audience.

You've lost the people
who care about pictures,

really care.

I mean good pictures,

not the kind of
garbage you make.

He's not only weird,
now he's a film critic.

KELLY: So it seems.

I would also say

you've lost your sense of
decency and good taste.

But on the other hand, if
you've never had something,

how can you lose it?

TOBIAS: You know,
you got a lot of guts.

For all the trouble
that you're in,

you're talking to
me like I'm the one

with the parts missing.

Well, sire,

I doubt that he
can cure himself,

but at least he's
named his own affliction.


If you're ready to take
me now, I'm ready to go.

Well, like they say,
it takes all kinds.

Right, sweetheart?

Goodbye, Mr. Tobias.

Goodbye, sweet prince,

wherever you are.




OpenSubtitles recommends using Nord VPN
from 3.49 USD/month ---->