Charlie's Angels (1976–1981): Season 2, Episode 3 - Pretty Angels All in a Row - full transcript
When someone is terrorizing contestants in a beauty pageant, the host Ben Pawl goes to Charlie for help. So Kelly and Kris join the pageant. Sabrina goes as a reporter. And they try to find out what's going on.
CHARLIE: Once upon a time,
there were three little girls
who went to the police academy,
two in Los Angeles...
the other in San Francisco,
and they were each assigned
very hazardous duties...
but I took them
away from all that,
and now they work for me.
My name is Charlie.
[♪♪♪]
Taking a whole bunch
of pictures all at one time
made me so nervous,
and this busy town!
I'm just too
excited to be tired.
Really, Jolene, I
don't know where
you get your energy from.
I wish I had it.
I feel so bushed.
Well, good night, honey.
Good night.
Next one's mine.
[WATER RUNNING]
[PHONE RINGING]
Coming.
[SCREAMING]
BOSLEY: You flew all the way
from Iowa just because of a spider?
I had to. That girl!
It didn't matter to her that
the spider was harmless.
Why should she
care that she started
a panic among the
other contestants?
Are you certain the
spider was harmless?
Of course it was...
I stomped on it.
But was it harmless
before you stomped on it?
How should I
know? I wasn't going
to let it bite me to find out.
If you would just settle
down a little, Mr. Pawl
it would make it easier
for us to understand
what you're trying to tell us.
It's easy for you to
say "settle down."
You didn't have to work a
year organizing the greatest
beauty pageant
the world has seen.
You didn't have to watch
67 gorgeous contestants
melt away, frightened off.
The girls are dropping
out right and left.
Someone is out to ruin
the pageant, to destroy
a national institution.
You've got to help us.
To quote Barbara, "Nobody...
no, nobody should
rain on our parade."
Uh-huh.
Well, we will
discuss it, Mr. Pawl
and then we will be in touch.
Well, please act quickly.
The pageant starts tomorrow
and we've only
got nine girls left.
In plain language, Mr. Bosley,
the clock is ticking.
Uh, yes, we understand.
Goodbye, Mr. Pawl.
Bye.
Somehow, I never quite thought
of the Miss Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant
as a national institution.
Well, how can
you say that, Bree?
It's the stepping stone
to the Miss Prunes title.
Yes, and from there,
well, the sky's the limit.
Uh, were you serious about
having taken the case, Charlie?
CHARLIE: A tarantula
intentionally placed on the
pillow of a young woman?
Now, if that young woman had had
a weak heart, she'd be dead
and someone would have
gotten away with murder.
I suggest you get
your acts together
and head for the pageant.
Oh, by the way may
the best woman win.
What? Wait a minute, Charlie.
You don't mean that we
have to play contestants?
At least two of you should.
That's where most
of the trouble hits.
Uh, you two better get a
couple of extra bathing suits
and of course, a pair
of high heel shoes.
No, no, no. Wait a minute. No.
No. I'm not going to
be a beauty contestant.
You might flip a
coin... odd Angel out.
Oh, boy. Well, that sounds fair.
[LAUGHS]
Okay.
Here we go. One...
two... three.
Heads.
Tails.
Heads.
[LAUGHTER]
It's not funny.
What is that sound, Charlie?
I'm working with a
physical therapist, Kelly.
Oh, not feeling well, Charlie?
Oh, nothing like that.
Just learning a little
about the pectoralis major.
SABRINA: Kris, Bos and I
are going to meet Ben Pawl
and some of the contestants.
Why don't you grab a bikini
and help us set up our cover?
KRIS: Okay. I'll check
into my room later.
KELLY: I'll see
you at the hotel...
I've got an interview
in a half an hour.
WOMAN: And what are
your future plans, dear?
Well, I hope to
study brain surgery.
Uh, what would cause
a young lady like yourself
to chose, uh, that profession?
Well, it-it seems to me
that unless the young people
take up the
challenge of the future
we can't move the world forward.
The greatest
challenge I can think of
is brain surgery.
[GERMAN ACCENT] Then
you give up the dancing, ya?
Oh, no. Dancing's a great
form of exercise and a lot of fun.
I'm going to keep up my
dancing no matter what.
And also, working at
the polls on election day.
I feel that we should
all stay healthy
and politically aware.
That's good. Don't
never give up the dancing.
You know, when last year
I was the queen from
this Chrys-trumums
I was dancing.
You know, I give
up it, the dancing
and fat comes on me.
Six pounds in one month.
I want you to know
it's-it's a great privilege
to be given advice by the
retiring Miss Chrysanthemum.
Thank you.
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
I won't forget that
if I'm lucky enough
to be awarded this title.
This your house, Mr. Pawl?
No, it was loaned to us by
Mr. Cree, one of our judges
so the girls could relax
while they rehearse our show.
Huh.
Say, I was wondering, since
you're private eyes under cover
I thought you'd use cover names.
Uh, no, no, no.
Just Bosley, Sabrina.
That'll be fine.
And you haven't any
assignment for me?
Someone to put
a tail on? Nothing?
Uh, look, I'll tell you what.
Now, it's dangerous
but maybe you can help us.
You think he can handle it?
I don't know, boss lady. Maybe.
You know karate, Mr. Pawl?
Uh, no.
That's good. We don't want
dead heroes on our hands,
you know what I mean?
Okay, here's your assignment.
Now, from now on,
you'll be known as Big X.
From this point on... Big X.
Now, you just go about
the pageant routine normally
unless one of us gives you
the code word Beau Geste.
Beau Geste... you got that?
Beau Geste.
If you hear that,
go to the phone
you call information.
Now, the operator
that answers you
you ask her for the
service repair number.
That operator will
be one of our people.
They'll know what to do.
You got it?
Yeah. I'm Big X.
Shh!
Code word: Beau Geste.
I call information,
and I ask your operative
for the repair service number.
From this moment on
you make no mention
of your instructions.
Oh, I understand.
You better, pigeon,
because you're into
this up to your neck.
Okay, let's get this
show on the road.
Let's get this shot.
The first thing I'd like to get
is a big close-up, full screen.
This isn't for real, is it?
I mean, this isn't
really going to be
on a network
television news show?
Oh, uh, you bet it is, Mr. Pawl.
You see, uh, we're
private detectives.
We got to pick up a
dollar here, a dollar there.
Every little bit helps.
Okay, you ready?
You ready, Mr. Bosley?
Right. And roll 'em!
Hi there.
Welcome to the Miss
Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant.
Cut! Print! Perfect!
Thanks.
Mr. Pawl?
Excuse me.
Mm-hmm.
[SIGHS]
Do you think that'll
keep him out of our hair?
Yeah, I think so.
That coupled with pointing
this camera at his face
from time to time.
Well, let's see... A.H. and V.G.
Right.
Okay, girls
let's try it with the
words this time.
One, two, three, four...
CONTESTANTS:
♪ Hi there! Hello! ♪
♪ We're glad That
you could show ♪
♪ For the Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪
♪ From far and near
We girls came here ♪
♪ To try to be queen
Of your pageant ♪
♪ Hi there! Hello! ♪
♪ We're glad That
you could show ♪
♪ For the Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪
♪ Who will be queen
When you are all seen ♪
♪ At the Chrysanthemum ♪
♪ Festival Pageant ♪
♪ The Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪♪
Bravo!
Great, girls.
Listen, ladies,
we're all going to be
on a network television
news program.
[CHEERING]
Mr. Bosley, he's the
one with the camera,
and Sabrina,
she's the boss lady,
are making a documentary.
So when the camera's rolling,
let's give them all the
sparkle and sincerity
you want all your friends
and relatives at home to see.
Right, boss lady?
Oh, right. That's right.
And this is my
arranger, conductor
and all-around man
Friday. Say hello to Henry.
Hi Henry. My pleasure.
Let me introduce the
contestants to you.
This young lady
is here from Texas.
Billie Jolene. Howdy.
Hello.
And Debbie from London, England.
Hello. Hello.
Grace Cooley, California Miss.
Hi.
Holly from the Empire
State of New York.
Hi.
And one of our late entrants
that I haven't even met
yet. And who are you?
Hi. I'm Kris, and I'm
from Macon, Georgia.
How far is that
from Plains, Kris?
Oh, gosh, I don't really know.
This is the first time I've
ever been outside of Macon.
This is really exciting.
SABRINA: Okay,
now, we'd like to get
a little informal rehearsal
around the piano.
Just too far away to
see her good, Hubie.
And as the girls are
around the piano...
MAN: Big smile, big smile.
[GLASS BREAKING]
How close did you
say the shot came?
Okay, it was about
three feet to my left
and about four
feet in front of me.
Maybe you're right
and they really
weren't trying to hit you.
No, no, considering how
many more bad shots there are
in this world than good,
I wouldn't bet on that.
I don't know.
They were moving right
after the shot was fired.
And they were way
back from the roof's edge
by the time I got to my window.
Now, if they wanted to hit me
why didn't they wait to fire
again in case they missed?
I mean, they didn't
know I had a gun.
Which, I suspect,
puts us right back
where we started from.
That's about right, Bosley.
And I don't care if there's
only one contestant left.
The show must go on.
There has to be a
Miss Chrysanthemum.
Why?
Young girls, sir,
grow up dreaming of
this moment in their lives.
They dedicate themselves.
We've already
spent all the money
that the sponsors have put up.
Good point, Si.
Then we all agree.
We'll tell the audience
that the preliminary judging
was held in the morning,
so that we could give more
time to the eleven contestants
who are left who
are our semi-finalists,
That's your department, Ben,
you handle it anyway you like.
Oh, if you want, I can sing
my winning aria from last year,
you remember, from
Wagner, you know
when I wear the
hat with the horns.
CONTESTANTS: ♪ For the
Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant ♪
♪ From far and near
We girls came here ♪
♪ To try and be queen
Of your pageant ♪
PAWL: ♪ Hi there! Hello! ♪
♪ We're glad that
you could show ♪
♪ For the Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪
♪ Who will be queen ♪
♪ When you are all seen ♪
♪ At the Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪
CONTESTANTS: ♪ The
Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant ♪♪
All right, let's
try it from, uh...
after the crisscross, all right?
Form a straight line.
Good. Ready,
now left foot first.
Hit it, Henry.
Five, six, seven, eight...
[PIANO PLAYING INTRO]
♪ Hi there! Hello! ♪
Smile, girls.
♪ We're glad that
You could show ♪
Good.
♪ For the Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪
Sing out! sing out!
♪ From far and near,
We girls came here ♪
♪ To try to be queen
Of your pageant ♪
♪ Hi there! Hello! ♪
[SCREAMING]
It's cut.
[BOTH YELLING]
I'll check the exit, Bosley.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
All right!
Bosley!
What are you doing
with Kris' pigeons?
Kris' pigeons?
Oh... yeah, they're
for a magic act.
Why were they
skulking in that closet?
They were not skulking, Bosley.
Pigeons can't skulk.
Well, these can.
They were skulking in there.
They are skulking pigeons.
Ooh!
Uh, Bosley?
Yes?
Do you suppose that sandbag
was supposed to hurt
somebody or scare somebody?
I don't know, I don't
know, but either way
sooner or later, somebody
is going to get hurt.
Well, a 50-pound sandbag or
a rifle doesn't hurt anybody...
It kills them.
You explain to Kris how
you let her pigeons out.
[PHONE RINGS]
Oh, I'll get it.
Hello? Oh, sure.
For you the telephone,
Herr Dearborn.
This is Si Dearborn.
This here is the money man.
You made up your mind
about the proposition yet?
Is that your best offer?
You know, Mr. Dearborn,
for a man whose fried clam
franchises is going to the dogs
for the want of some cold
cash, you sure do dance a lot.
Is it yes or no?
All right, it's a deal.
Go to the men's room.
MAN: Enjoy the money...
and don't let us
down, Mr. Dearborn.
I won't.
I believe in modesty just
as much as the next girl,
but this is not exactly
the 1940's, and besides,
all the girls got the
lace off their dresses.
If we didn't we'd look like...
I don't know what
we'd look like.
Honey, you don't
wanna wear that color.
Oh, I kind of like it.
Yeah? Well, so do I.
That's why you're
not going to wear it.
Why don't you try the green?
I don't think so.
Well, try any color you want,
except my apricot.
I mean, you're free
to choose the apricot,
if you want, but I
wouldn't be surprised
if the seams just... came
apart while you were on stage.
Things like that happen all
the time in beauty pageants.
So embarrassing!
Ah, hello, there.
Hello.
Fred Olsen here.
You're the photographer,
and you're the boss, right?
Well, thank you, I guess.
What do you think
of my little girl?
Uh, which little girl?
Well, she's not my little girl.
She's my number one
client, Grace Cooley.
Just a minute, she's
right here. Grace?
She called me and
told me you were here
and here I am to help
out wherever I can.
Oh, sure, sure.
Hi.
Hi. Hello.
Is that the next
Miss Chrysanthemum
or is that the next
Miss Chrysanthemum?
Well, uh, she's very pretty.
FRED: She's going to win.
Now, what I'm willing to
do is give you an exclusive.
You key your film on Grace
then when she wins
you scoop the whole TV world.
How does that grab you?
We will give that
some... serious thought.
What? So, nothing ventured,
nothing gained, right?
I mean, like, we set it up
with charm, we're ahead, right?
Yes.
All right, look, let's
talk a little money.
You key on Gracie,
there's 50 bucks in it for you.
50 bucks?
What do you care
who you feature, right?
Wrong, Fred.
When I'm on top
and you come to me for a favor
you know what you'll get?
Bupkis is what you'll get!
Watch... bupkis!
Howdy, ma'am.
Wonder if we might have
a minute of your time?
I most certainly will not.
Not for a million dollars.
[GRUNTING]
She's gone.
She's disappeared.
She's been snatched.
What makes you so sure?
Millicent Farber
never misses a meal.
Isn't this the time for
someone to give me
the Beau Geste signal, boss?
Not yet, Ben, no, no.
My nerves can take it.
I've already contacted
another judge
to replace Millicent,
Hazel Spaulding.
She's flying in tonight.
She's judged here before.
Hi, Mr. Bosley.
Hi, Mr. Pawl.
Hi, girls.
Hi, Grace.
Bye, Grace.
I met that kid's agent.
He says she's from
a really poor family.
Breaks your heart.
Oh, yeah, it really does.
I'll be leaving for
the opening festivities
in about half an hour.
The pageant rises
when the sun sets.
[STRAINED LAUGHTER]
You think something really did
happen to that judge, Millicent?
Well, there's a,
there's a chance.
But I don't know.
It doesn't fit the pattern.
Up till now, everything
has been done to
scare off the contestants.
Well, all we can do
is stay on our toes
and hope for a break.
I'll take the camera and
set up in front of the stage.
Okay, well, Kelly and
I are going to be pretty
tied up with the pageant.
Maybe Bree ought to
help us out backstage.
I don't think so.
I think I ought to
cover the airport,
cover the new judge.
I mean, if somebody
did kidnap Millicent
they might try to grab
the new judge too.
Well, that makes as much sense
as anything else
that's happened.
If you'll excuse me,
I have to rehearse my
introductory speech.
See you later.
Yeah... Oh, oh,
listen, I do too.
I-I'll see you later.
You know they
really do want to win.
It, uh... It looks that way.
MAN: We ain't asking
for the moon, ma'am.
I am worth upwards of six
million dollars, young man,
but if I were penniless
I wouldn't sell my vote.
Help!
Help!
Please, ma'am,
don't be doing that.
Hey, Hube.
Them pageant people
got a new judge coming in
to replace the old biddy here.
Guess who it is?
You think we ought to be talking
about that with her listening?
I mean, she's got us
by the short hairs already
if she talks to the law.
Hmm... True, true.
Come here.
Now, you know the
name of that lady judge
that they is counting
on being here, but wasn't
because they decided to use last
year's queen as a judge instead?
Hazel Spaulding.
That's who's coming, buddy.
Well, we got it made
in the shade, old boy.
Except for that
old biddy in there.
No sweat.
When we call
C.J., and tell him...
[CRASHING THUMP]
What was that?
The old biddy
fell off her barrel.
[GROANING]
When we call C.J. and tell him
how we got everything
took care of down here
he's going to be so owing to us
that he'll just start handing
her money and just
keep on handing it to her
till she can't say no.
She says she's already
worth six million, Earl.
Oh, well, that could
be a problem, I reckon.
But hey, let's just take
this thing one boot at a time.
And the first thing we got to do
is go see that new judge
and get that all squared away.
So, let's be moving, partner.
Shouldn't one of us stay
here and watch the old biddy?
Well, now, did you ever
hear of anybody or anything
getting loose from
a rope that I tied
if I didn't want them to?
Never once, Earl.
All right, then, let's go, pard.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[IGNITION TURNING]
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen
flight 411 just arrived.
Connections for Iowa City...
Miss Spaulding?
Husker Junction
and Beansborough.
Get your luggage ready, please.
You're Hazel Spaulding, right?
Yes.
How would you like to
make $2000 cash money?
We'd like to buy
your first place vote
in that beauty contest, ma'am.
For $2000.
If you don't, uh,
we're going to have
to tell your husband
about you and that
Mr. Pawl, that emcee fella.
About how him and you, uh...
Well, about them private
all-night singing lessons
you and him give each other
every time you come down here
to judge one of
them beauty contests.
EARL: We'll do it too, ma'am.
Take the money, ma'am.
You've got a deal.
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen...
to personally greet you
Freebairn's own
Chrysanthemum Festival girls.
CONTESTANT 1: Hi, there.
CONTESTANT 2: Hi, there.
Hi, there.
Hi, there.
CONTESTANT 5: Hi, there.
Hi, there.
Hi, there.
Hi, there.
Hi, there.
Hi, there.
Hi, there.
Hello!
♪ Hi, there hello ♪
♪ We're glad That
you could show ♪
♪ For the Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪
♪ From far and near ♪
♪ We girls came here ♪
♪ To try to be Queen
of your pageant ♪
♪ Hi there, hello ♪
♪ We're glad That
you could show ♪
♪ For the Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪
♪ Who will be queen
When you're all seen ♪
♪ At the Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪
♪ The Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪♪
[APPLAUSE]
And here they are!
Our bevy of loveliness!
Our first semi-finalist
is Miss Kris Munroe.
Kris is from the home state
of our president,
Mr. Jimmy Carter
Miss Lillian's baby
boy, God bless him.
Kris is from Macon, Georgia,
a true belle of the old south.
Her big dream is
to become our queen, Miss
Chrysanthemum Festival
and then go on to help mankind.
Hi, y'all.
[GIGGLES]
Let's start off this
most important interview
with an easy question, Kris.
What's your favorite
color, and why?
Well, actually, Mr. Pawl...
I have more than
one favorite color.
Well, that's all
right with us, Kris.
Right, ladies and gentlemen?
[APPLAUSE]
My favorite colors
are red, white and blue
because they are the
colors of our flag of freedom.
[APPLAUSE]
Here's our next
semi-finalist, Miss California...
Grace Cooley.
[LAUGHTER]
Here's your first
question, Grace.
What is your favorite color...?
And why?
Well, I was going to
say red, white and blue
but somebody already said it.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, C.J.
and the both of them is
going to vote her numero uno.
Well, now that you've
done it. I'm going to tell you
just how much my baby
girl winning that contest
means to me.
As a daddy, I am
plain damn proud.
As a businessman,
I got stockholders.
But ain't none of
them going to argue
that a beauty queen
ain't the one to do
our TV pink grapefruit
commercials now.
And you two good old boys
will find a big, fat thank you
in your envelope come payday.
Best tell him about
the old biddy now.
Couldn't hear that. What?
Uh, that was Hubie
talking to me, C.J.
Uh, C.J., we got a
little problem here.
Well, what kind of
little problem, Earl?
EARL: Well, sir, it
seems that we kind of...
Well... We kind of
kidnapped an old lady.
You what?
EARL: She was a
judge, C.J., and...
Well, she wouldn't take
the money we offered her.
And then she started yelling
and hollering and carrying on.
We didn't know what to do
so we took her out
to an old warehouse.
She ain't hurt none.
You two got less sense
than a hound dog trying
to catch him a skunk.
That's maybe a life
sentence in a federal prison.
Do you know that?
I am going to tell you
all I'm ever going to...
Listen good.
Now you two cut that lady
loose, and you go grab yourself
a jet plane to
Europe or someplace
and when you light,
you write me a letter,
and I'll send you each
$50,000 and good riddance.
I don't know you
no more, you hear?
[LIVELY COUNTRY TUNE]
♪ As I walked out in
The streets of Laredo ♪
♪ As I walked out
In Laredo one day ♪
♪ I spied a poor cowboy
♪ Wrapped up in white linen ♪
♪ Wrapped up in white
linen As cold as the clay ♪
♪ Oh, beat the drum slowly
And play the fife lowly ♪
♪ And play the dead march
As you carry me along ♪
♪ Take me to a green valley
Then lay the sod over me ♪
♪ For I'm a young cowboy
♪ I know I done wrong ♪
[SLOWER TEMPO]
♪ For I'm a young cowboy ♪
♪ I know I done wrong ♪♪
[APPLAUSE]
I know the feel of this
car like my own hide.
And I know there's
maybe 110 pounds
more in the trunk
than there should be.
[KNOCKING]
Best show yourself.
[TRIGGER COCKING]
[APPLAUSE]
PAWL: Our next semifinalist
is Miss Kelly Garrett.
Kelly had a warm and deeply
moving reaction to a friend
who injured an
ankle while skiing.
Tell us about it, Kelly.
Well... from that moment on
I... I knew what
we should all do
is help one another
to realize that
well, we should realize that
no man or woman is an island.
That we should never ask
for whom the bell tolls...
that we're all one
and we need each others' support
to be truly happy.
No, we should not ask
for whom the bell tolls.
When one man is lost
or woman is injured,
be it friend or stranger,
when the bell tolls,
it tolls for all of us.
[APPLAUSE]
[GRUNTS] Now, lady,
what have you done
in the trunk of our car?
Well, I'm a TV reporter,
and I was looking for a story.
About what?
About the scaring
off of the contestants
in the Miss Chrysanthemum
Pageant and the...
bribing of the... judges.
Hey, Ul, she knows
what we've been doing.
Yeah, she does, don't she?
Think we ought to put
the hush-up on her, Hube?
If you think I'm the
least bit frightened
by all this, you
are sadly mistaken.
[MUTTERING] Miss Farber...
Hey, Ul, you ain't considering
blowing your head off?
No, just thinking.
Are you going to shoot her, Ul?
Maybe.
Listen, old biddy.
Things ain't going the
way they're supposed to,
so we're going to change
our plans right here and now.
You say you got
six million dollars?
Well, if you want to stay alive,
you better give us the name
of somebody we can call
we'll let them buy you
back from us for, say...
two million of your six.
You won't even miss that.
That's a good idea, Ul!
We got the name
let's play the game.
Hell, pard, we're
going to get rich!
All right, now, ma'am,
who do we call?
Nobody.
ULMER: What do you mean, nobody?
I'm a widow and nobody
can authorize the bank
to pay out money
for me but me...
and I won't.
ULMER: Well, it might
just mean your life,
old biddy, and this
sneaky-nosed TV lady too.
PAWL: And now, from
New York, Miss Holly Blaise
to give us a special rendition
of that famous soliloquy
from The Merchant of Venice
delivered in her
own special way.
The quality of
mercy is not strained.
It droppeth as the
gentle rain from heaven.
You reckon anybody would pay
anything for that TV lady?
HUBIE: She's the boss.
She's got to be worth
something to somebody.
Hey, TV lady,
who'd pay to buy
you back from us?
Well, uh,
my photographer might
be able to arrange it
but, um, not just for me.
It would have to
be for both of us.
Of course.
Don't make no sense
just shooting one of you.
Right.
All we want is a bunch of money
and a chance to disappear.
You go to him and
you say, "Beau Geste."
Then you tell him what you want.
He'll probably
want to talk to me
before he pays over any money.
You don't trust
us, do you, lady?
Not very much.
What is this here, "Beau Geste",
is that some kind of
Morse code or something?
If you say "Beau Geste"
then he'll know that
I was safe and sound
when I gave you the code word.
Make sense, Ul?
Hell, I don't know.
These TV people got all kinds of
strange things going.
Let's tie their
hands behind them
and get out of here.
Now, I haven't
finished my sandwich.
PAWL: And now,
that lovely wizard
from Macon, Georgia
with her own brand
of southern magic,
Miss Kris Munroe.
[MAGICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE]
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]
Now, wait a minute. What?
I'll get over there to you.
You just stay right
where you are.
Oh, that's very smart.
Now, we'll just see if we can...
Watch your hands,
there, Miss Farber.
What's that?
Thank you, okay. Uh-huh.
PAWL: And now, ladies and
gentlemen, but mostly you gentlemen,
you ain't never seen sultry
until you've seen
Miss Kelly Garrett!
[♪♪♪]
♪ Are there any words of
praise Could not allude ♪
♪ To such a wealth Of
feminine pulchritude? ♪
♪ Rosy cheeks ♪
♪ Lustrous hair ♪
♪ Aren't they angels
Heaven shares? ♪
♪ Da Vinci's art
Could not surpass ♪
♪ The smile of any lovely lass ♪
♪ Could Shakespeare
rhapsodize The virtue in their eyes ♪
♪ As we hear them
each Loftily moralize ♪
♪ Beethoven could not
capture The rapture that unfurls ♪
♪ From our Chrysanthemum
Festival girls ♪
♪ From our Chrysanthemum
Festival girls ♪♪
Now, to help present
this year's crown,
last year's queen,
Miss Candy Welsh!
And now, the moment
we've all been waiting for.
The moment when
we learn the answer
to that magic question,
who will be the next
Miss Chrysanthemum?
I'm really nervous and excited,
and I know the girls are.
Our fourth runner-up...
and winner of a new
Walsingham dirt motorcycle,
our fourth runner up
is... Debbie Dowlan!
[APPLAUSE]
Beau Geste.
What did you say?
The man said, Beau Geste.
Who told you to tell me that?
The lady what works
with you. She's kidnapped.
And we want a
million dollars for her.
Right.
And an all-expense-paid
weekend...
Beau Geste!
PAWL: Be right back,
ladies and gentlemen.
[CIRCUS STYLE MUSIC PLAYING]
Whoa!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I made the phone
call, Mr. Bosley.
All right, we owe you a dime.
And now, ladies and
gentlemen, where were we?
Oh, yes, our
third semifinalist...
Okay, Mrs. Farber, I
got my second wind.
And we're going to try it again.
Only this time,
please don't help me.
Oh, well, I'll try. No, don't.
Oh, boy, am I ever
glad to see you!
I thought the next thing that
was going to happen to me
I was gonna know
what it felt like
to get shot with a .357 magnum!
That hurts. How'd you find us?
Our southern fried chicken
boys sang like nightingales.
Oh dear, now look, we've got
to get right over to the pageant.
They bribed two of the judges.
I told you, Kelly.
The pageant is
over, Mrs. Farber.
Oh, really?
Oh, well, who won?
A girl named Billie Jolene.
She sang and played the
guitar to "The Streets of Laredo."
She's the one that
they wanted to win!
Her father paid those two
men to see that she won.
We know, Mrs. Farber,
and the Texas authorities
will be paying her
father a little visit.
She's been disqualified.
Who was the first runner-up?
Holly.
The girl who twirled the
baton and recited Shakespeare.
Oh.
You was robbed.
Mm-hmm.
CHARLIE: And neither one of
you was even named runner-up?
Zip.
To quote an agent
we met, Charlie,
bupkis is what we got.
I thought you might have
already told them, Bosley?
No, no, no, Charlie,
you're the one who arranged it
and I thought you
should tell them.
What did you arrange, Charlie?
Ben Pawl told the judges
you weren't really contestants.
That you were professionals
brought in to fill out
the depleted pageant.
The judges were not
allowed to vote for you.
Oh, no, after I
learned that speech
and smiled till my face hurt?
And I paid $37 for a brand-new
pair of white, tacky shoes.
I don't think you'd better walk
down any dark alleys, Charlie.
You bought yourself
some trouble here.
Not half as much as
I'd have bought myself
if one of you Angels had won.
What would I have
said to the loser?
Well, which one would have won?
She would have. She would have.
I'm glad I was only kidnapped.
[THUMPING NOISE]
That sound again, Charlie.
Is your therapist there again?
Oh, yes, and still hard at work
showing me the upper
body development exercises.
What about the
lower body, Charlie?
Well, actually,
there doesn't seem
to be a problem in that area.
Isn't that great?
Charlie's always trying
to improve himself.
The very least I can do.
Bye, Angels!
ALL: Bye, Charlie.
[♪♪♪]
there were three little girls
who went to the police academy,
two in Los Angeles...
the other in San Francisco,
and they were each assigned
very hazardous duties...
but I took them
away from all that,
and now they work for me.
My name is Charlie.
[♪♪♪]
Taking a whole bunch
of pictures all at one time
made me so nervous,
and this busy town!
I'm just too
excited to be tired.
Really, Jolene, I
don't know where
you get your energy from.
I wish I had it.
I feel so bushed.
Well, good night, honey.
Good night.
Next one's mine.
[WATER RUNNING]
[PHONE RINGING]
Coming.
[SCREAMING]
BOSLEY: You flew all the way
from Iowa just because of a spider?
I had to. That girl!
It didn't matter to her that
the spider was harmless.
Why should she
care that she started
a panic among the
other contestants?
Are you certain the
spider was harmless?
Of course it was...
I stomped on it.
But was it harmless
before you stomped on it?
How should I
know? I wasn't going
to let it bite me to find out.
If you would just settle
down a little, Mr. Pawl
it would make it easier
for us to understand
what you're trying to tell us.
It's easy for you to
say "settle down."
You didn't have to work a
year organizing the greatest
beauty pageant
the world has seen.
You didn't have to watch
67 gorgeous contestants
melt away, frightened off.
The girls are dropping
out right and left.
Someone is out to ruin
the pageant, to destroy
a national institution.
You've got to help us.
To quote Barbara, "Nobody...
no, nobody should
rain on our parade."
Uh-huh.
Well, we will
discuss it, Mr. Pawl
and then we will be in touch.
Well, please act quickly.
The pageant starts tomorrow
and we've only
got nine girls left.
In plain language, Mr. Bosley,
the clock is ticking.
Uh, yes, we understand.
Goodbye, Mr. Pawl.
Bye.
Somehow, I never quite thought
of the Miss Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant
as a national institution.
Well, how can
you say that, Bree?
It's the stepping stone
to the Miss Prunes title.
Yes, and from there,
well, the sky's the limit.
Uh, were you serious about
having taken the case, Charlie?
CHARLIE: A tarantula
intentionally placed on the
pillow of a young woman?
Now, if that young woman had had
a weak heart, she'd be dead
and someone would have
gotten away with murder.
I suggest you get
your acts together
and head for the pageant.
Oh, by the way may
the best woman win.
What? Wait a minute, Charlie.
You don't mean that we
have to play contestants?
At least two of you should.
That's where most
of the trouble hits.
Uh, you two better get a
couple of extra bathing suits
and of course, a pair
of high heel shoes.
No, no, no. Wait a minute. No.
No. I'm not going to
be a beauty contestant.
You might flip a
coin... odd Angel out.
Oh, boy. Well, that sounds fair.
[LAUGHS]
Okay.
Here we go. One...
two... three.
Heads.
Tails.
Heads.
[LAUGHTER]
It's not funny.
What is that sound, Charlie?
I'm working with a
physical therapist, Kelly.
Oh, not feeling well, Charlie?
Oh, nothing like that.
Just learning a little
about the pectoralis major.
SABRINA: Kris, Bos and I
are going to meet Ben Pawl
and some of the contestants.
Why don't you grab a bikini
and help us set up our cover?
KRIS: Okay. I'll check
into my room later.
KELLY: I'll see
you at the hotel...
I've got an interview
in a half an hour.
WOMAN: And what are
your future plans, dear?
Well, I hope to
study brain surgery.
Uh, what would cause
a young lady like yourself
to chose, uh, that profession?
Well, it-it seems to me
that unless the young people
take up the
challenge of the future
we can't move the world forward.
The greatest
challenge I can think of
is brain surgery.
[GERMAN ACCENT] Then
you give up the dancing, ya?
Oh, no. Dancing's a great
form of exercise and a lot of fun.
I'm going to keep up my
dancing no matter what.
And also, working at
the polls on election day.
I feel that we should
all stay healthy
and politically aware.
That's good. Don't
never give up the dancing.
You know, when last year
I was the queen from
this Chrys-trumums
I was dancing.
You know, I give
up it, the dancing
and fat comes on me.
Six pounds in one month.
I want you to know
it's-it's a great privilege
to be given advice by the
retiring Miss Chrysanthemum.
Thank you.
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
I won't forget that
if I'm lucky enough
to be awarded this title.
This your house, Mr. Pawl?
No, it was loaned to us by
Mr. Cree, one of our judges
so the girls could relax
while they rehearse our show.
Huh.
Say, I was wondering, since
you're private eyes under cover
I thought you'd use cover names.
Uh, no, no, no.
Just Bosley, Sabrina.
That'll be fine.
And you haven't any
assignment for me?
Someone to put
a tail on? Nothing?
Uh, look, I'll tell you what.
Now, it's dangerous
but maybe you can help us.
You think he can handle it?
I don't know, boss lady. Maybe.
You know karate, Mr. Pawl?
Uh, no.
That's good. We don't want
dead heroes on our hands,
you know what I mean?
Okay, here's your assignment.
Now, from now on,
you'll be known as Big X.
From this point on... Big X.
Now, you just go about
the pageant routine normally
unless one of us gives you
the code word Beau Geste.
Beau Geste... you got that?
Beau Geste.
If you hear that,
go to the phone
you call information.
Now, the operator
that answers you
you ask her for the
service repair number.
That operator will
be one of our people.
They'll know what to do.
You got it?
Yeah. I'm Big X.
Shh!
Code word: Beau Geste.
I call information,
and I ask your operative
for the repair service number.
From this moment on
you make no mention
of your instructions.
Oh, I understand.
You better, pigeon,
because you're into
this up to your neck.
Okay, let's get this
show on the road.
Let's get this shot.
The first thing I'd like to get
is a big close-up, full screen.
This isn't for real, is it?
I mean, this isn't
really going to be
on a network
television news show?
Oh, uh, you bet it is, Mr. Pawl.
You see, uh, we're
private detectives.
We got to pick up a
dollar here, a dollar there.
Every little bit helps.
Okay, you ready?
You ready, Mr. Bosley?
Right. And roll 'em!
Hi there.
Welcome to the Miss
Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant.
Cut! Print! Perfect!
Thanks.
Mr. Pawl?
Excuse me.
Mm-hmm.
[SIGHS]
Do you think that'll
keep him out of our hair?
Yeah, I think so.
That coupled with pointing
this camera at his face
from time to time.
Well, let's see... A.H. and V.G.
Right.
Okay, girls
let's try it with the
words this time.
One, two, three, four...
CONTESTANTS:
♪ Hi there! Hello! ♪
♪ We're glad That
you could show ♪
♪ For the Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪
♪ From far and near
We girls came here ♪
♪ To try to be queen
Of your pageant ♪
♪ Hi there! Hello! ♪
♪ We're glad That
you could show ♪
♪ For the Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪
♪ Who will be queen
When you are all seen ♪
♪ At the Chrysanthemum ♪
♪ Festival Pageant ♪
♪ The Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪♪
Bravo!
Great, girls.
Listen, ladies,
we're all going to be
on a network television
news program.
[CHEERING]
Mr. Bosley, he's the
one with the camera,
and Sabrina,
she's the boss lady,
are making a documentary.
So when the camera's rolling,
let's give them all the
sparkle and sincerity
you want all your friends
and relatives at home to see.
Right, boss lady?
Oh, right. That's right.
And this is my
arranger, conductor
and all-around man
Friday. Say hello to Henry.
Hi Henry. My pleasure.
Let me introduce the
contestants to you.
This young lady
is here from Texas.
Billie Jolene. Howdy.
Hello.
And Debbie from London, England.
Hello. Hello.
Grace Cooley, California Miss.
Hi.
Holly from the Empire
State of New York.
Hi.
And one of our late entrants
that I haven't even met
yet. And who are you?
Hi. I'm Kris, and I'm
from Macon, Georgia.
How far is that
from Plains, Kris?
Oh, gosh, I don't really know.
This is the first time I've
ever been outside of Macon.
This is really exciting.
SABRINA: Okay,
now, we'd like to get
a little informal rehearsal
around the piano.
Just too far away to
see her good, Hubie.
And as the girls are
around the piano...
MAN: Big smile, big smile.
[GLASS BREAKING]
How close did you
say the shot came?
Okay, it was about
three feet to my left
and about four
feet in front of me.
Maybe you're right
and they really
weren't trying to hit you.
No, no, considering how
many more bad shots there are
in this world than good,
I wouldn't bet on that.
I don't know.
They were moving right
after the shot was fired.
And they were way
back from the roof's edge
by the time I got to my window.
Now, if they wanted to hit me
why didn't they wait to fire
again in case they missed?
I mean, they didn't
know I had a gun.
Which, I suspect,
puts us right back
where we started from.
That's about right, Bosley.
And I don't care if there's
only one contestant left.
The show must go on.
There has to be a
Miss Chrysanthemum.
Why?
Young girls, sir,
grow up dreaming of
this moment in their lives.
They dedicate themselves.
We've already
spent all the money
that the sponsors have put up.
Good point, Si.
Then we all agree.
We'll tell the audience
that the preliminary judging
was held in the morning,
so that we could give more
time to the eleven contestants
who are left who
are our semi-finalists,
That's your department, Ben,
you handle it anyway you like.
Oh, if you want, I can sing
my winning aria from last year,
you remember, from
Wagner, you know
when I wear the
hat with the horns.
CONTESTANTS: ♪ For the
Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant ♪
♪ From far and near
We girls came here ♪
♪ To try and be queen
Of your pageant ♪
PAWL: ♪ Hi there! Hello! ♪
♪ We're glad that
you could show ♪
♪ For the Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪
♪ Who will be queen ♪
♪ When you are all seen ♪
♪ At the Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪
CONTESTANTS: ♪ The
Chrysanthemum Festival Pageant ♪♪
All right, let's
try it from, uh...
after the crisscross, all right?
Form a straight line.
Good. Ready,
now left foot first.
Hit it, Henry.
Five, six, seven, eight...
[PIANO PLAYING INTRO]
♪ Hi there! Hello! ♪
Smile, girls.
♪ We're glad that
You could show ♪
Good.
♪ For the Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪
Sing out! sing out!
♪ From far and near,
We girls came here ♪
♪ To try to be queen
Of your pageant ♪
♪ Hi there! Hello! ♪
[SCREAMING]
It's cut.
[BOTH YELLING]
I'll check the exit, Bosley.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
All right!
Bosley!
What are you doing
with Kris' pigeons?
Kris' pigeons?
Oh... yeah, they're
for a magic act.
Why were they
skulking in that closet?
They were not skulking, Bosley.
Pigeons can't skulk.
Well, these can.
They were skulking in there.
They are skulking pigeons.
Ooh!
Uh, Bosley?
Yes?
Do you suppose that sandbag
was supposed to hurt
somebody or scare somebody?
I don't know, I don't
know, but either way
sooner or later, somebody
is going to get hurt.
Well, a 50-pound sandbag or
a rifle doesn't hurt anybody...
It kills them.
You explain to Kris how
you let her pigeons out.
[PHONE RINGS]
Oh, I'll get it.
Hello? Oh, sure.
For you the telephone,
Herr Dearborn.
This is Si Dearborn.
This here is the money man.
You made up your mind
about the proposition yet?
Is that your best offer?
You know, Mr. Dearborn,
for a man whose fried clam
franchises is going to the dogs
for the want of some cold
cash, you sure do dance a lot.
Is it yes or no?
All right, it's a deal.
Go to the men's room.
MAN: Enjoy the money...
and don't let us
down, Mr. Dearborn.
I won't.
I believe in modesty just
as much as the next girl,
but this is not exactly
the 1940's, and besides,
all the girls got the
lace off their dresses.
If we didn't we'd look like...
I don't know what
we'd look like.
Honey, you don't
wanna wear that color.
Oh, I kind of like it.
Yeah? Well, so do I.
That's why you're
not going to wear it.
Why don't you try the green?
I don't think so.
Well, try any color you want,
except my apricot.
I mean, you're free
to choose the apricot,
if you want, but I
wouldn't be surprised
if the seams just... came
apart while you were on stage.
Things like that happen all
the time in beauty pageants.
So embarrassing!
Ah, hello, there.
Hello.
Fred Olsen here.
You're the photographer,
and you're the boss, right?
Well, thank you, I guess.
What do you think
of my little girl?
Uh, which little girl?
Well, she's not my little girl.
She's my number one
client, Grace Cooley.
Just a minute, she's
right here. Grace?
She called me and
told me you were here
and here I am to help
out wherever I can.
Oh, sure, sure.
Hi.
Hi. Hello.
Is that the next
Miss Chrysanthemum
or is that the next
Miss Chrysanthemum?
Well, uh, she's very pretty.
FRED: She's going to win.
Now, what I'm willing to
do is give you an exclusive.
You key your film on Grace
then when she wins
you scoop the whole TV world.
How does that grab you?
We will give that
some... serious thought.
What? So, nothing ventured,
nothing gained, right?
I mean, like, we set it up
with charm, we're ahead, right?
Yes.
All right, look, let's
talk a little money.
You key on Gracie,
there's 50 bucks in it for you.
50 bucks?
What do you care
who you feature, right?
Wrong, Fred.
When I'm on top
and you come to me for a favor
you know what you'll get?
Bupkis is what you'll get!
Watch... bupkis!
Howdy, ma'am.
Wonder if we might have
a minute of your time?
I most certainly will not.
Not for a million dollars.
[GRUNTING]
She's gone.
She's disappeared.
She's been snatched.
What makes you so sure?
Millicent Farber
never misses a meal.
Isn't this the time for
someone to give me
the Beau Geste signal, boss?
Not yet, Ben, no, no.
My nerves can take it.
I've already contacted
another judge
to replace Millicent,
Hazel Spaulding.
She's flying in tonight.
She's judged here before.
Hi, Mr. Bosley.
Hi, Mr. Pawl.
Hi, girls.
Hi, Grace.
Bye, Grace.
I met that kid's agent.
He says she's from
a really poor family.
Breaks your heart.
Oh, yeah, it really does.
I'll be leaving for
the opening festivities
in about half an hour.
The pageant rises
when the sun sets.
[STRAINED LAUGHTER]
You think something really did
happen to that judge, Millicent?
Well, there's a,
there's a chance.
But I don't know.
It doesn't fit the pattern.
Up till now, everything
has been done to
scare off the contestants.
Well, all we can do
is stay on our toes
and hope for a break.
I'll take the camera and
set up in front of the stage.
Okay, well, Kelly and
I are going to be pretty
tied up with the pageant.
Maybe Bree ought to
help us out backstage.
I don't think so.
I think I ought to
cover the airport,
cover the new judge.
I mean, if somebody
did kidnap Millicent
they might try to grab
the new judge too.
Well, that makes as much sense
as anything else
that's happened.
If you'll excuse me,
I have to rehearse my
introductory speech.
See you later.
Yeah... Oh, oh,
listen, I do too.
I-I'll see you later.
You know they
really do want to win.
It, uh... It looks that way.
MAN: We ain't asking
for the moon, ma'am.
I am worth upwards of six
million dollars, young man,
but if I were penniless
I wouldn't sell my vote.
Help!
Help!
Please, ma'am,
don't be doing that.
Hey, Hube.
Them pageant people
got a new judge coming in
to replace the old biddy here.
Guess who it is?
You think we ought to be talking
about that with her listening?
I mean, she's got us
by the short hairs already
if she talks to the law.
Hmm... True, true.
Come here.
Now, you know the
name of that lady judge
that they is counting
on being here, but wasn't
because they decided to use last
year's queen as a judge instead?
Hazel Spaulding.
That's who's coming, buddy.
Well, we got it made
in the shade, old boy.
Except for that
old biddy in there.
No sweat.
When we call
C.J., and tell him...
[CRASHING THUMP]
What was that?
The old biddy
fell off her barrel.
[GROANING]
When we call C.J. and tell him
how we got everything
took care of down here
he's going to be so owing to us
that he'll just start handing
her money and just
keep on handing it to her
till she can't say no.
She says she's already
worth six million, Earl.
Oh, well, that could
be a problem, I reckon.
But hey, let's just take
this thing one boot at a time.
And the first thing we got to do
is go see that new judge
and get that all squared away.
So, let's be moving, partner.
Shouldn't one of us stay
here and watch the old biddy?
Well, now, did you ever
hear of anybody or anything
getting loose from
a rope that I tied
if I didn't want them to?
Never once, Earl.
All right, then, let's go, pard.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[IGNITION TURNING]
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen
flight 411 just arrived.
Connections for Iowa City...
Miss Spaulding?
Husker Junction
and Beansborough.
Get your luggage ready, please.
You're Hazel Spaulding, right?
Yes.
How would you like to
make $2000 cash money?
We'd like to buy
your first place vote
in that beauty contest, ma'am.
For $2000.
If you don't, uh,
we're going to have
to tell your husband
about you and that
Mr. Pawl, that emcee fella.
About how him and you, uh...
Well, about them private
all-night singing lessons
you and him give each other
every time you come down here
to judge one of
them beauty contests.
EARL: We'll do it too, ma'am.
Take the money, ma'am.
You've got a deal.
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen...
to personally greet you
Freebairn's own
Chrysanthemum Festival girls.
CONTESTANT 1: Hi, there.
CONTESTANT 2: Hi, there.
Hi, there.
Hi, there.
CONTESTANT 5: Hi, there.
Hi, there.
Hi, there.
Hi, there.
Hi, there.
Hi, there.
Hi, there.
Hello!
♪ Hi, there hello ♪
♪ We're glad That
you could show ♪
♪ For the Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪
♪ From far and near ♪
♪ We girls came here ♪
♪ To try to be Queen
of your pageant ♪
♪ Hi there, hello ♪
♪ We're glad That
you could show ♪
♪ For the Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪
♪ Who will be queen
When you're all seen ♪
♪ At the Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪
♪ The Chrysanthemum
Festival Pageant ♪♪
[APPLAUSE]
And here they are!
Our bevy of loveliness!
Our first semi-finalist
is Miss Kris Munroe.
Kris is from the home state
of our president,
Mr. Jimmy Carter
Miss Lillian's baby
boy, God bless him.
Kris is from Macon, Georgia,
a true belle of the old south.
Her big dream is
to become our queen, Miss
Chrysanthemum Festival
and then go on to help mankind.
Hi, y'all.
[GIGGLES]
Let's start off this
most important interview
with an easy question, Kris.
What's your favorite
color, and why?
Well, actually, Mr. Pawl...
I have more than
one favorite color.
Well, that's all
right with us, Kris.
Right, ladies and gentlemen?
[APPLAUSE]
My favorite colors
are red, white and blue
because they are the
colors of our flag of freedom.
[APPLAUSE]
Here's our next
semi-finalist, Miss California...
Grace Cooley.
[LAUGHTER]
Here's your first
question, Grace.
What is your favorite color...?
And why?
Well, I was going to
say red, white and blue
but somebody already said it.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, C.J.
and the both of them is
going to vote her numero uno.
Well, now that you've
done it. I'm going to tell you
just how much my baby
girl winning that contest
means to me.
As a daddy, I am
plain damn proud.
As a businessman,
I got stockholders.
But ain't none of
them going to argue
that a beauty queen
ain't the one to do
our TV pink grapefruit
commercials now.
And you two good old boys
will find a big, fat thank you
in your envelope come payday.
Best tell him about
the old biddy now.
Couldn't hear that. What?
Uh, that was Hubie
talking to me, C.J.
Uh, C.J., we got a
little problem here.
Well, what kind of
little problem, Earl?
EARL: Well, sir, it
seems that we kind of...
Well... We kind of
kidnapped an old lady.
You what?
EARL: She was a
judge, C.J., and...
Well, she wouldn't take
the money we offered her.
And then she started yelling
and hollering and carrying on.
We didn't know what to do
so we took her out
to an old warehouse.
She ain't hurt none.
You two got less sense
than a hound dog trying
to catch him a skunk.
That's maybe a life
sentence in a federal prison.
Do you know that?
I am going to tell you
all I'm ever going to...
Listen good.
Now you two cut that lady
loose, and you go grab yourself
a jet plane to
Europe or someplace
and when you light,
you write me a letter,
and I'll send you each
$50,000 and good riddance.
I don't know you
no more, you hear?
[LIVELY COUNTRY TUNE]
♪ As I walked out in
The streets of Laredo ♪
♪ As I walked out
In Laredo one day ♪
♪ I spied a poor cowboy
♪ Wrapped up in white linen ♪
♪ Wrapped up in white
linen As cold as the clay ♪
♪ Oh, beat the drum slowly
And play the fife lowly ♪
♪ And play the dead march
As you carry me along ♪
♪ Take me to a green valley
Then lay the sod over me ♪
♪ For I'm a young cowboy
♪ I know I done wrong ♪
[SLOWER TEMPO]
♪ For I'm a young cowboy ♪
♪ I know I done wrong ♪♪
[APPLAUSE]
I know the feel of this
car like my own hide.
And I know there's
maybe 110 pounds
more in the trunk
than there should be.
[KNOCKING]
Best show yourself.
[TRIGGER COCKING]
[APPLAUSE]
PAWL: Our next semifinalist
is Miss Kelly Garrett.
Kelly had a warm and deeply
moving reaction to a friend
who injured an
ankle while skiing.
Tell us about it, Kelly.
Well... from that moment on
I... I knew what
we should all do
is help one another
to realize that
well, we should realize that
no man or woman is an island.
That we should never ask
for whom the bell tolls...
that we're all one
and we need each others' support
to be truly happy.
No, we should not ask
for whom the bell tolls.
When one man is lost
or woman is injured,
be it friend or stranger,
when the bell tolls,
it tolls for all of us.
[APPLAUSE]
[GRUNTS] Now, lady,
what have you done
in the trunk of our car?
Well, I'm a TV reporter,
and I was looking for a story.
About what?
About the scaring
off of the contestants
in the Miss Chrysanthemum
Pageant and the...
bribing of the... judges.
Hey, Ul, she knows
what we've been doing.
Yeah, she does, don't she?
Think we ought to put
the hush-up on her, Hube?
If you think I'm the
least bit frightened
by all this, you
are sadly mistaken.
[MUTTERING] Miss Farber...
Hey, Ul, you ain't considering
blowing your head off?
No, just thinking.
Are you going to shoot her, Ul?
Maybe.
Listen, old biddy.
Things ain't going the
way they're supposed to,
so we're going to change
our plans right here and now.
You say you got
six million dollars?
Well, if you want to stay alive,
you better give us the name
of somebody we can call
we'll let them buy you
back from us for, say...
two million of your six.
You won't even miss that.
That's a good idea, Ul!
We got the name
let's play the game.
Hell, pard, we're
going to get rich!
All right, now, ma'am,
who do we call?
Nobody.
ULMER: What do you mean, nobody?
I'm a widow and nobody
can authorize the bank
to pay out money
for me but me...
and I won't.
ULMER: Well, it might
just mean your life,
old biddy, and this
sneaky-nosed TV lady too.
PAWL: And now, from
New York, Miss Holly Blaise
to give us a special rendition
of that famous soliloquy
from The Merchant of Venice
delivered in her
own special way.
The quality of
mercy is not strained.
It droppeth as the
gentle rain from heaven.
You reckon anybody would pay
anything for that TV lady?
HUBIE: She's the boss.
She's got to be worth
something to somebody.
Hey, TV lady,
who'd pay to buy
you back from us?
Well, uh,
my photographer might
be able to arrange it
but, um, not just for me.
It would have to
be for both of us.
Of course.
Don't make no sense
just shooting one of you.
Right.
All we want is a bunch of money
and a chance to disappear.
You go to him and
you say, "Beau Geste."
Then you tell him what you want.
He'll probably
want to talk to me
before he pays over any money.
You don't trust
us, do you, lady?
Not very much.
What is this here, "Beau Geste",
is that some kind of
Morse code or something?
If you say "Beau Geste"
then he'll know that
I was safe and sound
when I gave you the code word.
Make sense, Ul?
Hell, I don't know.
These TV people got all kinds of
strange things going.
Let's tie their
hands behind them
and get out of here.
Now, I haven't
finished my sandwich.
PAWL: And now,
that lovely wizard
from Macon, Georgia
with her own brand
of southern magic,
Miss Kris Munroe.
[MAGICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE]
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]
Now, wait a minute. What?
I'll get over there to you.
You just stay right
where you are.
Oh, that's very smart.
Now, we'll just see if we can...
Watch your hands,
there, Miss Farber.
What's that?
Thank you, okay. Uh-huh.
PAWL: And now, ladies and
gentlemen, but mostly you gentlemen,
you ain't never seen sultry
until you've seen
Miss Kelly Garrett!
[♪♪♪]
♪ Are there any words of
praise Could not allude ♪
♪ To such a wealth Of
feminine pulchritude? ♪
♪ Rosy cheeks ♪
♪ Lustrous hair ♪
♪ Aren't they angels
Heaven shares? ♪
♪ Da Vinci's art
Could not surpass ♪
♪ The smile of any lovely lass ♪
♪ Could Shakespeare
rhapsodize The virtue in their eyes ♪
♪ As we hear them
each Loftily moralize ♪
♪ Beethoven could not
capture The rapture that unfurls ♪
♪ From our Chrysanthemum
Festival girls ♪
♪ From our Chrysanthemum
Festival girls ♪♪
Now, to help present
this year's crown,
last year's queen,
Miss Candy Welsh!
And now, the moment
we've all been waiting for.
The moment when
we learn the answer
to that magic question,
who will be the next
Miss Chrysanthemum?
I'm really nervous and excited,
and I know the girls are.
Our fourth runner-up...
and winner of a new
Walsingham dirt motorcycle,
our fourth runner up
is... Debbie Dowlan!
[APPLAUSE]
Beau Geste.
What did you say?
The man said, Beau Geste.
Who told you to tell me that?
The lady what works
with you. She's kidnapped.
And we want a
million dollars for her.
Right.
And an all-expense-paid
weekend...
Beau Geste!
PAWL: Be right back,
ladies and gentlemen.
[CIRCUS STYLE MUSIC PLAYING]
Whoa!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I made the phone
call, Mr. Bosley.
All right, we owe you a dime.
And now, ladies and
gentlemen, where were we?
Oh, yes, our
third semifinalist...
Okay, Mrs. Farber, I
got my second wind.
And we're going to try it again.
Only this time,
please don't help me.
Oh, well, I'll try. No, don't.
Oh, boy, am I ever
glad to see you!
I thought the next thing that
was going to happen to me
I was gonna know
what it felt like
to get shot with a .357 magnum!
That hurts. How'd you find us?
Our southern fried chicken
boys sang like nightingales.
Oh dear, now look, we've got
to get right over to the pageant.
They bribed two of the judges.
I told you, Kelly.
The pageant is
over, Mrs. Farber.
Oh, really?
Oh, well, who won?
A girl named Billie Jolene.
She sang and played the
guitar to "The Streets of Laredo."
She's the one that
they wanted to win!
Her father paid those two
men to see that she won.
We know, Mrs. Farber,
and the Texas authorities
will be paying her
father a little visit.
She's been disqualified.
Who was the first runner-up?
Holly.
The girl who twirled the
baton and recited Shakespeare.
Oh.
You was robbed.
Mm-hmm.
CHARLIE: And neither one of
you was even named runner-up?
Zip.
To quote an agent
we met, Charlie,
bupkis is what we got.
I thought you might have
already told them, Bosley?
No, no, no, Charlie,
you're the one who arranged it
and I thought you
should tell them.
What did you arrange, Charlie?
Ben Pawl told the judges
you weren't really contestants.
That you were professionals
brought in to fill out
the depleted pageant.
The judges were not
allowed to vote for you.
Oh, no, after I
learned that speech
and smiled till my face hurt?
And I paid $37 for a brand-new
pair of white, tacky shoes.
I don't think you'd better walk
down any dark alleys, Charlie.
You bought yourself
some trouble here.
Not half as much as
I'd have bought myself
if one of you Angels had won.
What would I have
said to the loser?
Well, which one would have won?
She would have. She would have.
I'm glad I was only kidnapped.
[THUMPING NOISE]
That sound again, Charlie.
Is your therapist there again?
Oh, yes, and still hard at work
showing me the upper
body development exercises.
What about the
lower body, Charlie?
Well, actually,
there doesn't seem
to be a problem in that area.
Isn't that great?
Charlie's always trying
to improve himself.
The very least I can do.
Bye, Angels!
ALL: Bye, Charlie.
[♪♪♪]