Charlie's Angels (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 8 - Lady Killer - full transcript

Two Centerfolds from Tony Mann's Feline Club have been killed, so the Angels are called in to investigate. Jill draws the short straw (or pencil to be more precise) and gets to be a Feline cocktail waitress. Kelly joins the club as a singer (although she does in fact lip-sync) while Sabrina poses as Mann's latest flame (even though he usually only dates women under twenty).

Once upon a time,

there were three little girls
who went to the police academy.

And they were each assigned
very hazardous duties.

But I took them away
from all that,

and now they work for me.
My name is Charlie.

Okay, now the ceremony.

First, the ears!


And now the tail!


And now the rest of it.

Not yet!

Not till you're posing
for the centerfold.

A toast.

To the next Feline centerfold.

May you find fame, fortune

and not catch cold
from overexposure.

Ladies, ladies.
What are you doing?

It's after 3:00.
Come on, I want to close up.

Come on, come on, come on.
Party's over.

There is a time to--
Come on, girls.

Good night.

Got good stuff?

You remember me when you become
a big star, okay?




Somebody forget something?

Who's there?

What about his hair?

This secrecy
has gone on long enough.

How tall is Charlie?

What color are his eyes?

Now, now, ladies, you know
I cannot divulge anything.

Could you at least tell us
his shirt size?

How else are we going to get him
a present for his birthday?

His birthday?

Where were you when
it was my birthday?

Nobody asked about that. Nobody.



Oh, yes, Charlie,
the girls are all here.

Good morning, Angels.

Good morning, Charlie.

Sorry to get you up so early.

That's all right.
Bosley said it was important.

It is.

A Feline just picked to be
the next centerfold

was killed
at the club last night.

Wait a second. Wasn't one of
those girls murdered last month?

That's right.

Same M.O.?

Right again. Both girls died
of chloroform poisoning.

with an added touch.

They were found with their hair
completely cut off.

Do the police
have any theories?

Somebody who hates Felines.

How about somebody who hates me?

Angels, meet Tony Mann,

publisher of Feline magazine

and board chairman
of the Feline Enterprises.

Tony-- Jill Munroe,

Sabrina Duncan.


Kelly Garrett.

Well, you're all just as
beautiful as I heard you were.

I was about to explain
that your empire

has been having
some trouble lately.

Trouble? I would call it
calculated disaster.

Like what?

Equipment breakdowns, arson,

busboys walking out of the club
on New Year's Eve.

You name it, I've had it.

Now they're killing
off the centerfolds.

That's where you come in.

As centerfolds?

Kelly, when you took this job

you knew there'd be a lot
of undercover work.

That's not undercover.

That's not any cover at all.

Well, we'll only need
one of you

and I'd hate
to make that decision.

So, Bosley, if you will,

the short one wins.


You call that winning?

I haven't posed in the nude
since I was six months old.

Okay, now arch your back
as much as possible.

That's right.
Now bend your knees,

raising your left heel
while you bend.

Are you sure
this is necessary?

Well, it's the only
defense you've got.

It keeps you away
from the customers,

the customer's
hands off you.


now turn around let's do it
from the other side.

Only this time
with a smile.

Oh, on second thought, maybe you
better forget the smile.

You're suppose to tantalize,
not devastate.

Thank you.

Is this the new girl?

Jill Munroe, Dave Erhard.


Well, you keep replacing them,
don't you, Paula?

Same faces.

Same bodies.

Nothing ever changes, does it?

No wonder we're losing money.

I haven't heard Tony

Why should he?
He's still living in the 60s.


Who was he?

Dave Erhard.
Tony's right-hand man.

He's a real prince.

He brightens up a room
just by leaving it.


I don't think too much
of this idea.

Look, I couldn't agree
with you more.

But I have to get
to know your associates.

And unfortunately, I couldn't
come up with a better idea

than posing as your roommate.

Yeah, well, the problem is
I already have one.

What do you suggest
that I tell her?

Well, I'm sure
you'll think of something.



Oh, hi, baby.

Carmel, this is Sabrina,

she's an old friend of mine.

She's going to be staying
with us for a couple days.

Hey, when did this get
to be Senior Citizen Week?

Well, then maybe you'd, uh--

Maybe you'd like
to take a little trip

down to Acapulco for a while.

No way.
Sun's too strong down there.

It ages the skin.

You look like you've spent a lot
of time on the beach.

Me? Yeah, you're right I have.

I bet you'd like it there.

Probably find somebody your own
age to hang around with.

What was it, tiger?
Was I too much for you?

If you'd just be patient,
for a while--

Why don't you call me

when you've gotten off
this geriatric kick.


I really hate those scenes.

Well, I bet you've
played them often enough.

A few.

I tell you what. Cheer up.

As soon as I'm out of here,
you can run right down

to the local high school

and check out
the graduating class.

You don't like me very much,
do you?

No, no, it's not that.

I just wish you'd recognize
a small portion

of the female population.

Which portion?

The ones over 20.


Would you like
to order dinner now?

Sure, if you're
on the menu.

I bet you were up all night
thinking up that one.

I mean it.

What are you doing after work?

No, I'm sorry, Felines aren't
allowed to date customers.

May I see your membership key
for the drinks?

Thank you.

Oh, there must be some mistake.
This is your hotel room key.

No mistake, honey.

It's Room 419. The Parkhurst.

Why don't you drop by a little
later and make yourself at home?

We've got a little
more partying to do but, uh,

I'll be back by 3.

I can't.

Aha, caught you!

I'll be with you
in just a minute.

Oh, no, you don't get
away this time.

I've been stalking
you all night.


Your den or mine?

Okay. Mine.

Room 419.

Parkhurst Hotel.

I don't get off till about 3,

so why don't you just go on in
and make yourself comfortable?

Oh, and keep the lights off.

It'll be more
of a surprise that way.

Oh, yeah.

...we're very happy to present

a new singing talent,

Miss Kelly Garrett.

? Embrace me ?

? My sweet embraceable you ?

Hey, she's really very good.

You never told me
she could sing.

I didn't know she could.

? Just one look at you ?

? My heart grows tipsy in me ?

? You, and you alone ?

Hey, isn't that Carmel?

Hey, where is the waitress
over here?

Give us a drink.
Let's go. Come on.

Well, she doesn't waste
any time, does she?

It's called rubbing
my nose in it.

Who is he?

His name is Danny Auletto.

He's a competitor of mine,
and he wants to buy me out.

Oh, and a nice big bottle
of champagne

for me and my lady.
All right! All right.

? Don't be a naughty baby ?

? Come to mama do ?


Eh, shut up.

Take it easy, huh? The lady's
trying to make a living.

DANNY: Everybody's trying
to make a living.

What's the matter
with you, buddy?

Just keep it down or I'm going
to have to ask you to leave.

Didn't I tell you
to get away from me?

Now you heard me,
get away.

Take it easy.
Just get away.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

Now you get out of my club.

Not yours for long, wise guy.

Enjoy it while you can.

Once they call that loan in,
it's all over.

Now you think about it.

Is that what they mean
by a bang-up debut?

These had to be designed
by the Marquis de Sade.

I mean,
they're so uncomfortable.

How'd it go?

Well, not bad. After a week
of dodging customers,

I'll be quick enough
for the NFL.

Well, here's a chance to get
away from the club for a while.

Tony wants to do
a magazine layout

on California Felines.

We've done it before to hype
business at the club.


As long as I can keep
my clothes on.

No problem.


Jill! Wait!


Well, how did it go?

Well, the floor show
was a little too realistic,

but okay.

You're very funny,
you know that?

You have a real nice
sense of humor.

Thank you.

I'd, uh, I'd like to see you.

Well, you saw most
of me tonight.

I'm not talking that way.

Maybe we can go
for a cup of coffee?

Oh, I'm sorry, I can't.
But thanks.

Listen, it's always good to get
in tight with the manager.

I could make things
easy for you.

I'd really like to make things
easy for you, Jill.

I'd like that too.

You know we're not supposed
to date customers, employees--

Come on, get off it.
I saw you take that guy's key.

Hey, that wasn't my fault.

I mean, he forced that on me.

I don't even have it.

Oh, sure, sure.

Victor, about my dressing room?

I thought there were
to be separate ones

for the talent?

You call yourself talent, lady?

You ought to give up singing
and become a stand-up comedian.


Looks like
I interrupted something.

Yeah, well,
he doesn't like rejection.

He doesn't like it a lot.

I can tell.
See you later.

I've lived up to my end
of the bargain.

What about you?

Hey, this guy thinks
he's invincible.

It's going to take time.


You've seen
the latest financial report.

You know the bank
is making noises.

In another six months there--

Now, look, I have worked
too long to get control.

I'm not going
to let Tony ruin it now.

I'm telling you, this guy's
got to be pushed slow.

And I'm telling you.
I can't wait.

But what more can you do?

I can start escalating
the body count.


Sabrina Duncan.

Dave Erhard.

Well, you're the new queen bee.

You writing an article?

No, just keeping track
of the cost

of the photo session.

I doubt that the club

will do enough business
to pay for it.

Well, then why bother?

That's what I keep asking Tony.

Why are you here?

Tony invited me. I accepted.

Isn't that the way
it usually works?

He never dates anyone over 20.

Listen, I am secretly 16.

Now keep that under your hat

but I've led a very full
and active life.

Who are you?

I'm an old friend.

Make that a longtime friend.

You know I'll check you out.

I'm sure you will.

Good day, Miss Duncan.

I ran a check on Danny Auletto
this morning.

His magazine's gone up
in circulation

as fast as Feline's
has gone down.

But Tony said Auletto
wanted to buy him out.


Because overall,
Feline Enterprises

is a solid operation.

The hotels, the magazine.

They all have
good growth potential.

The reason
that Feline's in trouble,

is because of the accidents
that Tony just mentioned.

I mean, without those,
he might have been able

to ride out
his circulation problems.

Hey, you don't know what
circulation problems are

until you've had on one
of those Feline costumes.

You have any candidates?

Yeah. Victor.

I mean, he comes on too strong.

From what the girls say,
he's tried it with everyone.

Of course he struck out more
times than the 62 Mets.

And on top of that,

he used to be in charge
of worldwide operations.

Tony's demoted him three,
maybe four times.

So there's no love lost there.

Which brings us to Dave Erhard.

Now he makes no bones about
being unhappy

with the cost
of the operation,

or the way it's being run.

Now he's very big
on making memos to himself.

Maybe one of us ought to drop by

his house and see what we
can find. You in the mood?

Fine. Just as long as he doesn't
drop in on me while I'm there.

Bos, you have a friendly
diversion for him?


But I will
when you need it.

Well, I've got to get going.

I'll be late
for my photo session.

I'll be there
in a few minutes to make sure

they don't shoot anything
but pictures.


What'd you say
that new girl's name was?

Jill. Jill Munroe.

She joined the club
a couple of days ago.

Well, she's lovely.

What do you think, Dave,
centerfold material?

Sure, Tony.

Did you ask her about posing?

Well, she won't do nudes.

Well, when she sees
the size of the check,

maybe she'll change her mind.

Tony, I wish you'd forget

this centerfold business
for a while.

At least until the police
come up with something.

I have a magazine to put out.

And that's not going
to stop for anybody.

Hello there, friend.

Hey, that's not bad.


Yeah, well, I didn't feel
too terrific last night.

I mean, I felt like an exile

having to sleep
in that guest room.

I tell you what, tonight--

Uh, tonight, yeah?

I'll take the guest room.

Thanks, lady, you're all heart.

I'm a pal.

She's a doll.

Get some close shots
on Jill.

Okay, honey, let's try some
shots on the ball machine, huh?

Oh, great.

Let me just go brush my hair.

All right. Okay, ladies,
thank you very, very much.

Relax everybody, okay?

Thanks for the foot brake.


You ever try
one of these before?

Yeah, a lot.

Okay, then let's do it.



A little high.
Come on in, honey.

Try some volleys.

That's it.

Get some real tight, there.


Get some long shots.

That's super, honey



Somebody bring a blanket.

Are you all right?

I think so, I'm just scared.

Come on, hurry up
with that blanket.


You know, that girl has a good
case for suing us.

Ah, come on, David,
the girl almost got killed.

Thank God, she's still alive.

Right, but when
the shock wears off

it could cross her mind
to talk to a lawyer.

Now you were thinking about

asking her to be
a centerfold, right?

I couldn't think
of a better time.

Sure you're okay?


Well, there goes
our centerfold theory.


Feel better?

I heard about explosive serves
before, but that's ridiculous.

Come on, I want to talk
to you a second.

It's okay.

No one's hiding under the bed.

I really appreciate
you driving me home,

checking everything out.

Would you like me
to stay the night?

No, I'll be all right, really.


Do me a favor?

I know, lock the doors,
don't let anybody in. I will.


Call Tony.

Tell him you've changed
your mind.

Why? You've said it yourself--
Being the centerfold is great.

That's before they became
an endangered species.

Look, you were
almost killed today.

But that's not
the centerfold thing.

It happened before
Tony asked me to pose.

Maybe it was a warning.

Before you started playing
tennis today,

Tony asked if we thought
you'd be centerfold material.

Who's we?

Dave, myself, maybe
the photographer's assistant.

I don't know.

You're a beautiful girl!

Next year, the year after--

You've got time.

I don't want you to end up
like those other two.





Bree? It's Jill.

You know the centerfold theory
we thought fell apart?


Well, it still works.

Dave Erhard knew Tony
was thinking

of asking me to pose.

Well, that's good to know.

Maybe it's time Kelly
went to work.

Right. I tell you what.

Erhard's still here
at the mansion.

I'll talk to Bos,
and get that in motion,

and you call Kelly, huh?

Okay. Right. Buh-bye.


Dave Erhard. Right?


Tom Edwards.

Your office said
I'd find you here.

What can I do for you?

I'm writing the biography
of Tony Mann.

Tony never told me
he authorized any book.

He didn't.

This is the unauthorized

The true version.

The version the people out there
are waiting for.

You mean an expos??

What's Tony Mann
really like? Huh?

I have nothing to say.

Oh, no? Then I'll just
make up what I want

and put your name to it,
I don't care.

Maybe you do.

All right.

I'll give you five minutes.

Sure, oh, sure.
Mann, he edits a few pages,

picks the centerfolds,

but you are the brains

behind the whole organization.

Everybody knows that.

How you must resent all
the publicity he gets.

Is it true that Mann has
a different girl every night?

It is not.

What about
the Friday night orgies?

There are none.

Is it true that he's converting
this place into a nudist colony?

You're a crazy man.
You're out of your mind.

The people have a right
to know, Erhard.

The old cover-up
doesn't work anymore.

People have been sent to prison
for what you're trying to do.

He keeps calendars the way
I used to keep a diary.

Every page is filled
with notations

he made to himself.

He must keep the old calendars
for tax records or something.

Anyway, I remembered
something Tony said,

about a busboy's walk-out
on New Year's Eve.

Well, Dave had it marked,
but a week before it happened.

So I double-checked all the
dates on the other accidents.

He had them all marked,

but in advance.

So there's only one way
he could have known.

If he set them up.

So he gets the whole operation
in big money trouble.

Auletto steps in
and buys it cheap.

And puts Erhard
in to head it up.

There's just one problem.

It all lays out perfectly,

but it wouldn't stand up
two seconds in court.


So we have to set him up.

You guys'll think
of something, huh?

I'm going to head out
to the mansion.

What for?

To tell a nice man he's
been knifed by his best friend.

Well, I just don't believe it.

You mean, you won't believe it.

Too many years.

The man is like a--
Like a brother to me.

Aw, babe. I know how you feel.

No, you don't.

No, you don't know how I feel.

How could you? You weren't--

You weren't there when this was
all just one nutty, nutty dream.

I was selling classified ads
in some two-bit weekly

and parking cars on the side.

Dave was doing income tax
returns, 5 bucks a crack.

One night we went out
and got slightly smashed

and started talking about what
we'd really like to be doing.

Publishing a magazine.

How about that?

A couple of punks
just out of college

and we're going
to publish a magazine.

The next day we started

I borrowed, he borrowed,

we were up to our ears in hock

and we didn't have anything
for collateral, nothing.

I mean, we lied
through our teeth.

And in the beginning
we did everything ourselves

and we had an absolute ball.

I mean, we set all the layouts

and we wrote the articles,
and we sold the advertising.

And it sold.


I don't care what it shows
on any cockamamie calendar.

Dave wouldn't do this.

He just wouldn't do it.

Tony, stay away from the bed!

What's the matter?

Just don't touch it.

Move away from the bed, come on.

What's going on?

I don't know, but I think
we better find out.

Tony, Dave has access
to the whole house.

To this room.

So do the servants.

Well, yeah,
but they're not trying

to put you out of business.


Do what you have to do.

Mr. Erhard?

This is Kelly Garrett.

The singer at the club.

No, I won't be working tonight.

I've found a more lucrative
source of income.

You, Mr. Erhard.

I found your calendar

with the problems you created
for Tony Mann.

Blackmail is exactly
what I'm talking about.

How does $100,000 sound?

The banks open at 10.
I thought we could meet at 11.

I know the place.

I'll see you there.

That abandoned oil refinery
on the West Side.


A very deserted place.

I can't imagine why.

I'm beginning to have second
thoughts about this whole deal.

Are you sure this really
makes a case for us?

With attempted murder added
to what we've already got?


I really don't like being bait.

JILL: How do you think
I've felt

since we started this thing?

All right.

I see him. On one of the tanks.

Thank you for coming alone.

You're welcome.
Is that the money?

A gun, Mr. Erhard?

That seems out
of character for you.

They said you might try this.

Who's they?

I didn't come alone.

That's an old trick.

A bad trick.

No trick.

Which one?

I can't see.

Let's split up.
We'll have a better chance.

He's unconscious.

But the paramedics say
he'll pull through.

As usual, you did a great job,

Take the next few days off.

Hey, we got a couple of days
off, that's great, Charlie.

Thanks, Charlie.

Wait, did he say paid days off
or just days off?

He wouldn't...

Uh, Charlie? Charlie?

Oh, yes, he would.

It doesn't matter.

I'm going to go back
to the beach

and sleep for a week.

You all right, Jill?

Yeah, thank you, Bos. I'm okay.


Clean as a whistle.

He must have been
wearing gloves.

So, what now?

Well, back to where
we were two days ago.

Find the killer.

You're sounding awfully brave.

Brave, nothing.

I just want him caught before
he does a return engagement.

You know I thought for sure
Erhard was our man.

Well, he may have been trying
to put Tony out of business,

but he sure wasn't
killing centerfolds.

Any ideas, Sabrina?

I have just one.

Jill, I don't think
you're going to like it.

Like I said.
I just want him caught.

Now Victor's beginning
to look like number one.

I'll stick close to him.

Does that mean
we're throwing

Tony out completely
as a suspect?

As far as I'm concerned.

I saw his face
when the bed exploded.

Nobody is that good
an actor.

Well, I better be.

When I tell them
I'm going to pose.

Sure, I'm scared.

But I'm also broke.

So if you can protect me,
I'd like to go ahead with it.

Ah, good girl.

I'll, uh, I'll get you
a bodyguard. 24 hours a day.

I'll even have him sleep
outside your house.

Oh, he won't need to.

I mean, that's one place
I'm not moving back to.

You know maybe I can find
a place in town,

with two giant Doberman pinchers
right at the door.

Well, if you need a place
to stay while you're looking.

I have an extra bedroom.

Oh, no, I--

Wait a minute.
That's not a bad idea.

Now I'd feel a lot better
if you were, uh,

staying with somebody
like Paula.

Well, if you're sure
it's all right, I'd like that.


I'll set up the shooting session
as soon as possible.

Good. I'd like
to get it over with.

Well, I'll pack up a few things.

I'll see you
at your place later.

Okay, honey.
Okay, bye.

Bye, doll.

Tony, I wish you'd forget
about the centerfold

for a while.

I can't.

Especially with closing
down the clubs.


So they can do an audit.
Have to find out

just how bad Dave
ran me into the ground.

I know how much
you cared about him.

Tony, if you need someone
to talk to...

the number's still the same.

Thank you, pal.

Well, I'll see you later, okay?


You really going
to close us down?

I've got to.

Well, do I tell
the staff or what?

No, no, not yet.

But don't you
sweat it, Vic.

I'll-- I'll get you
a job on the magazine.

Doing what?

I'm a club manager,
I'm not a publisher.

We'll find something, huh?

Hey, listen, you've been
carrying me for years.

That's not true, friend.

And you know it.

Oh, yes, it is.

Oh, yes.

Well, take care
of yourself, huh?

Thanks for everything, boss.

Take care.

Lonely rests the head
that wears the crown, huh?

Yeah, something like that.

You're gutsy ladies,
you know that?

All three of you.

Well, on behalf
of my co-workers,

I thank you very much.

No seriously.

I wouldn't have blamed
any of you if you bowed out.

Well, we did the one thing
that Charlie advised us against.

We got emotionally involved.



You mean, I'm not the male
chauvinist pig

you thought I was?

Oh, you are that.

But you're also loyal,
and you care about people.

You mean, that's all it
takes to get to you?

What can I tell you?

I always was a soft sell.

Well, it worked both ways.

Yeah, I-- I really think that
I've been missing an awful lot

by ignoring ladies over 20.

Would you be willing
to serve as an introduction?

I would be delighted.

As soon as this thing is over.

Which means we're back
to business.


We've narrowed it down
to one suspect.



You've got to be kidding.

No. Bosley's tailing him now.

And he'll stay with him
until he tries--

There's just no way.

Look, the man has had
two heart attacks.

He gets dizzy just walking up
one flight of stairs,

there's just no way
that he could kill

two healthy young ladies.

No way.

She's not back there.

She must have left
for Paula's.

And Bos is
with Victor, right?

Yeah, that's
what the message said.

But if it's not Victor,
then there's nobody.

What's so funny?

You know, I just had
this horrible image

of Gloria Steinem drumming us
out of the corps

for not solving this case.

Oh, my God.


Sometimes I think we're
the biggest chauvinists

of them all.

Who says the murderer
couldn't be a woman?

One of the waitresses
at the club?

No, they don't know
the layout at Jill's place.

They've never been here.

But Paula has.


That's right.
And Jill's with her.

You got the number?

Yeah. Wait.




Sabrina. Could I speak
to Jill, please?

Oh, I'm sorry.

She's not here yet.

Is it important?

Well, it could be.

I tell you what. Could you have
her call me when she gets in?

I sure will.



Say's she's not there yet.

She must be on her way,
come on.

Right behind you.

It was marvelous
being a centerfold.

People recognized me.
Even with my clothes on.


Would you like
some more tea?

Oh, no, thank you.

You look awfully tired.

Oh, I am. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

You mustn't have slept
a wink last night.

No, not much.

Would you like to lie down
for a little while?

You know, if you wouldn't mind,
I think I will.

Not at all.

Come on.

Make yourself at home.

Thank you.


Paula! Paula!

Paula, open the door!

Paula, open the door!


Don't look at me!

Don't look at me!

Jill. Get Jill!

Paula! Paula!

Why, Paula?

It was my car.

It was an accident.

My whole right side.

And all my hair.

Why did they pull me out?

To leave me with this?


There are doctors
who can help you.

I saw them all.

Plastic surgeons.

They said there was nothing
they could do.

Psychiatrists, Paula.

I didn't want
to hurt them, you know.

But you see, they were all--

They were all so beautiful.

And they had it
all ahead of them.

And after the accident--

Oh, my God.

Paula, the doctors will
understand that.

But Tony won't.

Yes, he will.

Oh, you know how much
he cares about you.

Not anymore.
Once, before I was older.

Before the accident.



He told me so, today, Paula.

Paula, he cares about you.

He'll want to take care of you.


Tony won't understand.

Tony won't understand!


Kelly, hang on!

Okay, all right.

Okay, all right.

It's okay, Paula.
It's okay.

It's okay, Paula.
It's okay.

Charlie, they're every bit
as good as you said they were.

Even better.

You should be delighted
to know, Angels,

that Tony has included a most
generous bonus for each of you.


And I would like
all of you

to be my guests
for dinner tonight.

Well, I thought you
and Sabrina--

Uh, that's tomorrow night.

Oh, she gets two free meals.

Well, she had to put up
with me more.

Well, I enjoyed
every minute of it.

Almost, every minute of it.

Any news from the hospital?

The doctor
that examined Paula

wasn't sure,
but he was hopeful.

We'll keep a good thought.

Again, Angels, congratulations,
on two jobs well done.

And Tony, I'll see you next
weekend. Bye, Angels.

You're going to see him?!

Now wait just a minute--
How tall is Charlie?


What kind of music does he like?

What kind of women does he like?