Charlie's Angels (1976–1981): Season 1, Episode 5 - Target: Angels - full transcript

CHARLIE:
Once upon a time,

there were three little girls
who went to the police academy.

And they were each assigned
very hazardous duties.

But I took them away
from all that.

And now they work for me.

My name is Charlie.

No!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Let's go! Let's go!

Come on! Get your hands up!

They're really good,
you know?



You mean, considering
they're girls.

No. No.

Yes.

Get the ball!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

No basket! No basket!

I got a foul.
Number 13, charging. No basket.

Come off it!
He didn't have position.

[BOOING AND HECKLING]

That's a T!

That's a T. Technical foul.

Green team's going to shoot
one and one.

Just like Heinsohn, huh?

Her inspirational leader.



It was a good game.

Oh, I thought we were
going to win it.

Oh, seven points isn't
much to lose by.

Yeah. Well, we'll
get them next time.

Hey, I'm going to take
the girls for some pizza,

kind of an
almost-victory party.

Y'all want to come along?

Sorry, but we've got
other plans.

Ah, well, that's a healthy
activity too. See you.

Is there anything
you're not terrific at?

Navigating submarines.

I never could get the knack.

You're absolutely beautiful,
you cook like a gourmet...

and you--

Careful.

Okay.

But you kiss better
than you cook.

I just can't believe
some man hasn't grabbed you up.

Oh, plenty have grabbed...

but not the way you mean.

You ever think about--?
Getting married?

Once in a while.
Not very often.

How come?
I don't know.

Takes a lot of trust,
and I have trouble with that.

Not as much as you used to.

Thanks to you.

We'll work on that.
Oh, I'm all for that.

I've got to go.
Already?

Yeah, I'm due in surgery
at 6 a.m.,

so I have got to get
a good night's sleep,

which is the last thing
that is going to happen

if I stay here
another minute.

Okay. That's my contribution
to medicine.

Come on. I'll walk you
to the door.

Okay.

Good night.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

[CAR DRIVES AWAY]

[SCREAMS]

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

SABRINA: Now, move the bottom
just a little bit to the left.

I don't see why the office
needs anything like this.

Gives it a little humanity.

Try moving it back
a hair to the right.

You realize I had
this office decorated

to reassure the clients
of our professionalism?

It could only be reassuring

if the client
were planning a funeral.

[DOOR OPENS]

Unfunny.
JILL: Hiya, Bos.

You are 20 minutes late.

Well, take it out
of next week's paycheck.

Hey, somebody tried to use Kelly
for target practice last night.

They what?

Fired a rifle
into my bedroom.

Do you have any idea--?
Shh!

They're all here,
Charlie...finally.

CHARLIE:
Thank you, Bosley.
Good morning, Angels.

I'll get right to business.

One of our informants called
earlier this morning.

He heard through the grapevine

that there may be an attempt
made on Kelly's life.

I'm afraid your grapevine

doesn't grow
fast enough, Charlie.

The attempt was made
last night.

CHARLIE:
Are you all right?

KELLY:
Just some bruises
from hitting the floor.

JILL:
Did you get a look at him?

No, nothing.

I went this morning and took
a couple slugs out of the wall.
They're being tested.

Anything else?

I looked around the area
where the shots came from.

Found some footprints.
No distinctive marking,

but the imprint of the right
shoe was deeper than the left.

Probably on the side
that he carried the rifle.

Maybe.

Oh, another thing.
We found a religious medallion.

Anything special about it?

Too much so.

It's the order that ran the
orphanage where I was raised.

CHARLIE:
Could it be coincidental?

Maybe, but it's all
we've got.

Well, we've started with less.

Never with a more
important client.

You mean a great deal to me,
Kelly, all three of you do.

I want the man found.

Hopefully before
he finds me again.

Indeed.

Bosley, I want
no expense spared.

Whatever the girls need,
I don't care how much it costs.

Right.

And Sabrina,

I love your idea about getting
some paintings for the office.

Right now, the place looks

like a waiting room
in a mortuary.

Kelly?

You've grown into
a beautiful woman, Kelly.

Have the years been good?

Yes, most of them.

You look more content
than you did when you were here.

I am. I have work and friends.

You didn't have many
of those here.

That's what I remember.

It's peculiar. Many of our
children feel a common bond

in being abandoned.

You never did.

I guess I always thought
my parents would come for me.

I used to think about that every
night before I went to sleep.

And then you cried.

And you'd come in
and comfort me.

As much as I could.

Sister Anne, is there anyone
I might have forgotten?

A friend, or maybe someone
who wasn't a friend?

There's only one person
I remember you were close to.

A girl named Barbara.
Her bed was next to yours.

I remember the two of you
singing at vespers.

Yes, I remember.

Do you know where I can
get in touch with her?

She became
a servant of God.

A member of this order,
for a while.

Then she went to Africa.

There was a raid on the village.
She was killed.

It's difficult to pick up
the threads of one's past.

I take it this is something
of importance to you.

Yes.

Sorry I can't be more help.

That's all right.
Good seeing you again.

And you, child.

God go with you.

Thank you.

And may he watch over
and protect you.

Bree! Hey, you didn't say
anything about being here.

Well, I needed a freebie
analysis from Strick.

Can I buy you lunch?
No, I can't. I'm sorry.

I tell you what. Why don't you
walk me to the car.

Did you get the tickets
for Saturday night?

Tenth row center.

Terrific!
I can't wait to see it.

Just what were you talking
about with Strick in there?

Uh-uh. Charlie guarantees
confidential investigations.

Well, I can always go in
and ask him myself.

Hey, that's dirty pool.

I just want to know if the
police should get involved.

No. Not yet anyway.

Wait, wait, wait. What's
that supposed to mean?

Just what I said.
Come on, Bill, don't start.

"Don't start."
Don't start what? Worrying?

I haven't stopped
worrying about you

since you took that damn job.

Listen, Bill, we've been
over this a hundred times.

It hasn't seemed to
have made any impression.

Well, then maybe
it's time we stopped.

Anytime you want to quit--

Anytime you want to start
letting me lead my own life.

We sound like
we're still married.

Mm-hm. I'm sorry, babe.

I just don't want to see you
stretched out on a slab.

Well, okay. I've got some, uh,
very definite ideas

about the way
I want you to see me.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

We'll talk about it
Saturday night, okay?

Be careful, huh?
I will.

Bye.
Bye-bye.

[GUNSHOT]

I just don't know
what else to do.

Why don't you just tell him

you're going out of town
for a few days.

Oh, that's no good. He'll want
a number where he can reach me.

Do you ever think about
telling him the truth? Look out.

Yes, but I know him.

Alan's noble enough
to try and protect me...

and end up getting his head
blown off in the process.

Well, I still think
you're better off

being straight with him.

So all we have are the
footprints.

With one foot
heavier than the other one.

Maybe the guy's
a field-goal kicker.

SABRINA:
Hey, intended victims
aren't supposed to make jokes.

Hey, wait.
Maybe she's got something.

You know that guy Tom Dempsey
who kicks for the Rams?

He was born with half
his right foot missing,

so he has to wear
one of those--

JILL AND SABRINA:
Weighted shoes!

There can't be a lot
of demand for those.

No, they'd have
to be custom-made.

Look, it's too late
to start now,

but what do you say
we meet at the office

first thing
in the morning?

We'll call all the shoe
companies.

Maybe we'll come up with a lead.

It's a good idea.

Okay, in the meantime,

do you have a place
to keep a low profile?

A motel in Burbank.

Oh, that's as low
as a profile can get.

Okay, look. Let's call it
a night, all right?

We'll pick this thing up
in the morning.

And you...

be careful, huh?

Okay.

Damn! I'm beginning to
sound like my ex-husband.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Come on! Hurry up.

Okay. This is going to be
my last practice for a few days.

PLAYERS: Aw.

Come on. You know
my job interferes

every once in a while.

Anyway, I want Annie
to act as coach.

I want you guys to listen
to her. I mean it.

Is there anything you want us--?
Shh!

[IRREGULAR FOOTSTEPS
APPROACHING]

Uh...Go to the locker room now.

Yeah, but what about--?

I want you to go
get your clothes

and go out the locker room
entrance. You understand?

Come on. Hurry up. Go!

Move it!

[GUNSHOT]

Just like that, huh?

No, not just like that.

It's been three months.

I thought three
pretty good months.

They were. Too good.

What is that
supposed to mean?

It's all happening
so fast.

I haven't done anything
to force that.

It's not you, it's me.

I feel like the walls
are starting to close in.

Going off and hiding isn't
going to solve anything.

I don't know how you
can be so sure about that.

Because it never has.

You told me that yourself.

You start to get serious
in a relationship

and then you run away.

And then you kick yourself

because it's gone
by the time you come back?

That's the pattern,
and you keep repeating it.

I thought you were a surgeon,
not a shrink.

Hey. I'm in love with you,

and if it ends,
it's going to hurt like hell.

But I'm more concerned
with what happens to you.

I mean, don't you see?

You want to love.
You want to be loved.

But this...this thing you've got
keeps getting in the way.

It's going to keep you from
getting what you really want.

Goodbye, Kelly.

No, it would be
the right shoe.

I have an idea
where it was purchased.

Oh, your records only
go back for three years?

Well, any information
you can give us.

We need the information
as soon as possible.

Thank you. Bye-bye.
Thank you.

Any luck?
No.

The one I was talking to

wanted to know if I was
some kind of foot-fetishist.

What now?

Well, Bosley's running our files
through a computer.

All our cases?
That's right.

Since the killer's
already tried for you two,

it's a good bet
that I'll be next.

Welcome to the club.

Thanks a lot. I wish it were
a little bit more exclusive.

Hiya, Bos. How'd you do?

Well, as the saying goes,
ladies,

I have good news and bad news.

The people that you've been
responsible for arresting

are still serving time.
All of them.

Is that the good news
or the bad news?

Yes. It means that we know
who's not trying to kill you,

but it's not much help
in finding out who is.

Bosley, is that a note of
concern I detect in your voice?

It is just that we have spent
a great deal of time and money

in recruiting
and training you all,

and you would be
very difficult to replace.

What he means is
he can't find anyone

to work as cheap as we do.

Look, Charlie is flying
to Chicago this afternoon.

He has some personal contacts
there who may prove helpful.

In the meantime, he wants
you three to take a vacation.

So I have taken the liberty
of making reservations

on the airlines
and at the hotels for you.

Thanks, but no, thanks.

Me too.
It's unanimous.

Oh, come on. It's no time
to start playing heroines.

Do you realize what
it means for Charlie

to become involved
in an investigation?

I mean, he stayed out of it
for seven years.

That's how important
it is to us.

"Us"?
It was a note of concern.

Hey, Bos, we appreciate
all that, really,

but no matter where you send us,
we're not going to be safe.

Now, if somebody's
going to shoot at us,

I'd really rather
it be while I was

trying to do
something about it.

I don't want to hide
in a closet.

And you two feel the same way.

Right on.
Couldn't have said it better.

Yeah. Charlie thought
you might say that.

Well, maybe he'll
turn something up in Chicago.

Well, let's hope so.

In the meantime, why don't
you two stay with me.

At least it's a security
building.

Sounds good.

I'll go get my stuff
and meet you over there later.

At least he'll have a tough time
getting a clean shot.

Hi. I got a delivery
for Sabrina Duncan.

Where's the regular guy?

He's sick.
I'm filling in for him.

Oh, all right. But I'll have
to let you in her place.

They usually put
the bottle in for her.

Fine.

Kitchen's through there.

Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.

All right.

Kind of heavy for you, huh?

Nah, it's no bother.

Ah, there's still some left.

There's no point
in wasting the water.

I guess she'll get her
boyfriend to replace it.

Sure.

Bye.

Hi, Smiley.
Hi, Miss Duncan.

Hi.
Hi.

You hungry yet?
Oh, I'm always hungry.

Chicken salad okay?
Terrific.

Ah, swell.
He didn't change it.

Well, you still got water
left in the bottle.

Yeah, there's just
a little bit,

and it won't last for long,
and you're here now.

I knew lunch
wouldn't be free.

How are you, Miss Garrett?
Fine. Is Miss Duncan here yet?

Yeah. She and Miss Munroe
went up about 15 minutes ago.

Give you a hand with that?
Thank you.

Kelly! Oh, God, she's dead!

Sabrina's dead!

Cut down in the prime
of her life.

A full and active life.

Sabrina Duncan was not content

to lead a quiet,
sedentary existence.

She required a profession
that was rewarding, exciting,

and, yes, dangerous.

And it was that danger
that finally took her life.

But Sabrina would have had it
no other way.

She did not believe
in a world of caution.

She challenged life,
took it on to the fullest,

as all of us who knew
and loved her will attest.

[SOBBING DRAMATICALLY]

Bos, will you cut it out?
You're overacting.

To her husband, Bill,
and her cherished friends,

I can only offer
the following thought:

To be sure,
this is a time for mourning.

We will miss her smile,
her laughter.

But we must keep in mind

that it is also
a time for gladness.

I still don't get it.
All right, look.

Now, every month
I pay that delivery man

an extra two dollars

to replace the old bottle
with the new one,

even if there's a little water
left in the old one.

And then we gave
the bottle cap a once-over

and saw where somebody
re-glued it.

Right. So I figured the best way
to get the killer off my back

is to make him think
he succeeded.

Which he nearly did.

Bree, I think it's time I got
officially involved in this.

No way. Listen,
the minute you do that,

you're going to scare
the guy right off.

Well, I don't think
that's such a bad idea.

Of course not,
because you're not the one

who has to go around
the rest of your life

looking over your
shoulder.

Oh, come on, Bos.

You're the one who set up
this terrific sendoff for me.

Where did you get
that crowd anyway?

Where else? Central Casting.

Do you know what those people
get for a day's work?

[WHISTLES]

Charlie's going to have a fit
when he gets the bill.

"No expense spared,"
remember?

Right.
So, what now?

Well, I've got to drive out
to the beach and see my dad.

I told him, "Ignore anything
you read in the paper,"

but he's a skeptic,

and he's going to have
to see me in the flesh.

Okay if Jill and I
use your place for a while?

We still haven't heard back
from the shoe company.

Sure. I doubt if the guy
would go back there.

Besides, the manager said
he'd spot that limp a mile away.

I tell you what. I'll give you
a call from my dad's place.

I still think
you're all nuts.

I know you do,
sweetheart.

That's the reason
we don't play house anymore.

I don't know what went wrong.

I know. You didn't want
any of them killed...

and I didn't put
that much explosive in the cap.

I'm beginning to doubt whether
you know what you're doing.

I know what I'm doing.
All right.

Keep working on the other two.

How far do you want me to go?

Until I tell you to stop.

Sooner or later,
they're going to figure out

there's only one place
for them to hide.

BLAYLOCK:
Well, I'm delighted
to see it in person.

What?

That the reports
of my daughter's death

have been greatly
exaggerated.

You and me both, Dad.

Your middle game any better?

Anytime you want to try me.

You remember
the first time we played?

Indeed. You were 7.

No, 6.

And every time you made
a bad move, I corrected you.

Showed you the right one.

Till I finally
made a move on my own,

and, if I recall correctly,
it was checkmate.

I think that's the only game
I've won from you in 10 years.

You could've given me a chance
to at least win once or twice.

No, I couldn't. Neither of us
would have liked that.

Uh, this current
case of yours,

I take it
it's a nasty one.

Very.

Someone expert
with weapons.

Ballistics said
the bullets he used

were probably from an Uzi.

Those are almost impossible
to get ahold of.

Then he couldn't buy one here?

Israel won't export them.
They need every one they've got.

Dad, the soldiers
who really love the fighting.

What happens to them
when it all winds down?

They just find another war.

There's always one
going on somewhere.

It's like being a doctor.
You never run out of work.

They become mercenaries?

Wait. There's a man here.

He recruits
for that sort of thing.

I haven't talked to him
in years.

Never cared for him
very much.

He might have
a lead for you.

I don't know
how talkative he'll be,

but maybe you can get
something out of him.

Here it is.
Miles Cavendish.

Cavendish, huh?

Okay. I'll talk to him
right away. Thanks.

I love you.

Bye.

Uh...

In return for all of this...

I expect one of your
home-cooked Chinese meals.

You got it, just as soon
as we get this thing cleared up.

Bye.

Rheinstadt, Hans...

purchased in Milwaukee,
March, 1962.

Is that R-H or R-E?

R-H.

R-H, R-E--
what difference does it make?

You've already got
enough names there

to have your own personal
telephone directory.

We're almost finished.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

This is Kelly.

Wait a second!
What are you--?

Our limping friend?

Mm-hm.

He wanted to express
his appreciation

for our staying in one place,

and to let us know there's
a lot more explosives left.

Oh, that's terrific.

My life's ambition has always
been to be a sitting duck.

Yeah. Well, it's obvious

that you can't stay here
any longer.

Look, will you reconsider
that vacation?

Bos, he can buy a plane ticket
as easily as we can.

We've got to find
some kind of safe place.

Where?

Charlie's.

What?
Right!

That's like moving in
with Howard Hughes.

Oh, no, no, no.
Charlie would never go for that.

After all we mean to him?

And how hard we'd be
to replace?

Besides, it's cheaper
than sending us on a vacation.

Well, I'll, uh--
I'll have to check with him.

Bos, there isn't time.

For all we know, gimpy's
already planted something here.

Maybe you're right.

But how can you be sure
that he won't follow you?

Oh, he would.

But he wouldn't follow you.

I don't get it.
I don't think I get it.

Look, we'll leave Bree
a note with the address.

You do have the address,
don't you, Bos?

Oh, well, yes, but--

I hope Charlie has clean sheets.

JILL:
Could you take it
a little easier?

Just a precaution. You don't
want him to kill you, do you?

With you driving
he won't have to.

JILL: Wow.
Remind me to ask for a raise.

Let's get your
luggage inside.

Here, I'll
give you a hand.

674 Vinewood Lane.

You're sure?

Yeah. What do you want me
to do now?

Just sit tight.

I'll get back to you
within the hour.

I haven't got
the faintest idea

what you're talking about,
young woman.

This is the place
one comes to

to find out about
the Caribbean and Hawaii,

not about mercenaries.

I know nothing about
that sort of thing.

I don't believe you.
My dear...

you're quite entitled
to believe

whatever you bloody well
please,

but I'm afraid
you'll never be able

to prove this
wild allegation.

I'm not interested
in proving anything,

but there are other
people who might be.

Such as?

Certain nations,
like Angola,

who seem to take a rather
dim view of mercenaries

and the people
who recruit them.

I have nothing to fear
from those wogs.

I'm a naturalized citizen.
This country will protect me.

That's what Eichmann thought.

He really did.

I can rely on your discretion?

Yes, of course.

What are you looking for?

A man with
a bad right foot.

I wouldn't have
any idea of his age.

He probably spent
some time in Africa,

maybe even Angola.

Wardlow. Harry Wardlow.

He came to me
about a month ago.

He managed to get
out of Africa in time.

Bummed around,
spent all of his money.

Came to me for work.

And did you have
anything for him?

Nothing in his
regular line, but...

Angola's put the damper
on that sort of thing,

for the time being anyhow.

There were one or two
private-type affairs.

What we call
"contract hits"?

I believe
that's the term.

Wardlow's proven quite good
at it over the years.

He's considered
one of the best.

Anyway, I put him
in touch

with the people
who contacted me.

And who were they?

Oh, no, my dear.

That's as far as I go.

Telling you about Wardlow
presents some problems.

But giving you the other names
is committing suicide,

and I'm really not predisposed
in that direction.

I'm sure you're not.

Where can I find Wardlow?

The Montclair Hotel.
Under what name?

His own, of course. Mercenaries
don't wear nametags, you know.

Oh, by the way...

we never had this
little conversation.

Oh, believe me...

of all the people in the world
I would deny knowing...

you're tops on the list.

Charming.

SABRINA:
Maid service.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

[KEYS JINGLING]

Doggone it,
you shoot good.

One of the benefits
of a misspent youth.

You find anything else
in that guy's room?

Just what I told you.

I called Homicide, and they
went over there last night.

They promised they'd call
if they come up with anything.

So the killer's walking around
with a whole bunch of dynamite.

I'm pretty sure.
And the money?

Well, Bosley's at the police lab
waiting for the test results.

It's about time. I get the
feeling I'm being hustled.

Whoo!

Listen, with all this
excitement,

you know, there's one thing
I'm really curious about.

What Charlie looks like, right?

Uh-huh.

That's the one thing
we wanted to see

when we came to this house.
You know what we found?

What?

Did Bosley do that?
Uh-huh.

KELLY: While we were unpacking,
the mad cropper struck again.

Hey. What time does
Charlie's plane get in?

Another hour.
Maybe we can see him then.

Fat chance. He'll probably
lock himself in the bedroom

and shout instructions
through the window.

Doesn't he have
any diet drinks?

He must like his girls zaftig.
Then why'd he hire us?

Doesn't make sense.
What?

Any of it.

Cavendish said Wardlow
was one of the best,

but he missed each of us.

Why?

Suppose he didn't mean
to kill us.

Right. He's a male chauvinist

who wants us out
of the private-eye business.

Do you ever get serious?

When I'm being shot at?
Never.

Oh, come on, you guys.

Okay, okay.
If he isn't really after us,

then why go to all this trouble?

To put Charlie out of business?

Mm-hm.

Maybe permanently.

Charlie?

Think about it.
Here we are.

We work for somebody
that we've never seen

who wants to make sure
that we never do see him.

Now why is that?

You said it yesterday:

It's like working
for Howard Hughes.

Who was scared to death
of being kidnapped.

Oh, wait. Charlie did send
a lot of people to prison.

Most of whom get out
sooner or later.

Pass me the phone,
will you?

And that's why
Charlie's so careful.

John Bosley, please.

Bos, listen, we've been
following the wrong angle.

Go back into Charlie's records.

Yeah, Charlie.

Bosley...hurry.

Bingo!

Ronald Meeker. Embezzling.

Fifteen years ago.
Over $60,000.

And what's more,
the serial numbers match up

with the money
that Sabrina found.

How come he
waited so long?

He just got released
from prison.

That's a long rap
for embezzlement.

Yeah, that's because
he refused

to tell anybody
where the money was.

Then he tried to get his lawyer
to bribe one of the jurors,

so they just threw
the book at him.

He was a terrific accountant,
lousy crook.

Like an administration we once
had. Did you tell the police?

Oh, yeah. They've got
an APB out on him right now.

Well, what if
it's too late?

Suppose Meeker's already
planted the dynamite?

On some kind of
timer device?

Maybe.

But he doesn't know when
Charlie's going to be here.

So how's
he going to do it?

Well, I know what
I'd do.

After sitting in prison
for all those years,

I'd want to see
my victim die.

That's terrific. Remind me
never to get you mad at me.

What are you
getting at?

He's probably planning
to blow up Charlie's cab

just as he comes
in the gate.

Meeker used us
to flush Charlie.

I think it's time
we flush Meeker.

Hi.
Hi.

You've got a long wait,
you know. You just missed one.

Oh...

Can you use a cab?

Oh, I sure could,
but I don't have enough money.

Well, I think maybe we might
be able to work something out.

We don't have to
put it on the meter.

Oh.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you call the number
on this card tomorrow

and just ask for Bosley.
Why?

He'll reimburse you
for your cab.

What?

[HORN HONKS]

[HORN HONKS]

Give me.

Watch it.

Is that Charlie?

It could be.
I can't be sure.

I'm going to try
and catch him.

Well, hurry.

[HORN BLARING]

Nuts! They're all nuts!

Are you all right?
CHARLIE: Fine, fine.

Just get me home
in one piece.

Don't go too slow.
It'll tip him.

I just want to make sure
we have enough time.

And what if
we don't?

Let's just hope
Mr. Meeker has a lousy arm.

Okay, get ready.

Hold it!

That's against the law.
And unfunny.

That must be Charlie.
I'd like to see him hide now.

You can't!
Come back, Charlie!

Come back,
you chicken!

I'm deeply grateful to you,
Angels. You saved my life.

And kept you anonymous.
That too.

You know, that's
what really bugs me.

We do our job right,

and that's what keeps us
from getting to see

what you really look like.

Not necessarily.
We can drop by any evening.

Afraid not, Angels.

My house went on the market
this morning,

and until I find another one,
I'm staying with a friend.

A friend, huh? I bet you got
plenty of those to choose from.

Indeed, but none as lovely
as you three. Bye, Angels.

You didn't really think
I was foolish enough

to let you know
Charlie's address?

I mean, when I pointed
out to him that--

You?
Of course.

Bosley!
Oh, no. No, no.

Unfunny.

Now, that's funny.