Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Internet & Moment In The Life Of Lil Jon - full transcript
Dave considers what life is like for rap sensation Lil' Jon and imagines how sleazy the Internet would look if it were a place. Anthony Hamilton performs "Comin' From Where I'm From".
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
- ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
- ♪ Oww ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Let's start the show.
[announcer] And now,
"A moment in the life
of Lil Jon."
[audience cheering]
- Lil Jon?
Yeah!
I understand you may have
fractured your arm.
Yeah!
Let's take a look.
Okay!
Does this hurt?
No.
This?
Not really, no.
-This?
-[gasps]
No.
-What about this?
-Yeah!
All right then.
Do you have your
proof of insurance?
-What?
-Proof of insurance.
What?
Proof of insurance.
-What?
-Proof of insurance.
Huh?
Proof of insurance.
What?
-Proof of insurance.
-What?
-Your proof of insurance?
-What?
-Your proof of insurance.
-What?
-Proof of insurance?
-Huh?
Proof of insurance?
Yeah!
Oh, it's right here.
Now, do you do
any recreational drugs?
What?
Do you do any
recreational drugs?
[chortles]
That depends, doctor.
What do you define as "Drugs"?
-Medication?
-No.
Cocaine?
Absolutely not.
-Marijuana?
-Yeah!
Yeah!
What?
Nothing.
What?
Nothing.
-Pardon me?
-Nothing, just writing.
-What?
-I didn't say anything.
-What?
-Be done in a second.
Okay!
Fine.
What?
Need anything?
No, I'm cool.
-Okay.
[announcer] You've just watched
"A moment in
the life of Lil Jon."
-[audience applause]
-Dave Chappelle!
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, what's happening, y'all?
What's up, everybody?
Welcome to " Chappelle's Show ."
Thank you for being here.
-[audience cheering]
-Man.
You know, folks,
you might've heard me say this
publicly many times,
but this time I mean it.
I've--
I've quit smoking reefer.
[audience laughing]
No, I'm serious this time, man.
This--I'm done.
I don't want to smoke it
no more.
Them commercials be working
on me, man.
Every time
I seen them commercials,
they just have me feeling bad,
especially this one.
[man 1] Let me get
my cheddar burger, man.
[man 2] Hold your horses, man.
We all hungry.
[man 1] Are your horses here,
yo?
Yo, let me hold them for you,
man.
[laughing]
Let me get
my cheddar burger, man.
We've been here a long time.
-[coughing]
-You all right?
[laughing]
No cheddar for you, man.
Give me a cheddar burger, man.
Man, chill out
with that cheddar burger.
Yeah, chill out.
Yo, it was in your hand
the whole time, stupid.
Yo, you got to eat
that burger, dude.
-[crash]
-[audience gasps]
Shit.
You killed her, yo!
Come on, man, we got to
chop her body up
and stuff it down the drain!
Let's go!
Let's get the fuck out of here!
I can't, man!
There's people back there.
Shit!
[all screaming]
-Fuck.
-Come on!
Let's go, let's go!
[laughs]
I just love the fact
that I have a show
where you can run over a kid,
and everyone just
busts out laughing
[audience laughing]
only in this show.
Well, folks, here he is--
America's favorite,
my favorite,
Mr. Paul Mooney.
[audience applause]
And now, "Mooney on movies."
Our first film
is "G one with the wind ."
This film is an epic romance
centering around
Scarlett O'Hara,
a damsel in distress
during the civil war.
It is a must-own,
must-see movie.
I highly recommend it.
I couldn't agree
with you more.
I've actually
seen "Gone with the wind"
13 times since I was
ten years old.
No kidding.
You must be on crack.
I don't think
we've seen the same movie.
I thought Scarlett was a ho
'cause she went bed
with everybody, uh, but Mammy.
Um, I love Mammy.
Mammy was the best--
The best scene in the movie is
when Mammy
told the white people,
"Get off my porch,
White Trash!"
I stood and I applauded.
I loved every bit of it.
I liked Mammy, though.
I really--
I thought she was great.
I thought she had a great role.
Do you know in real life
it was Hattie McDaniel's.
They wouldn't let "Mammy"
go to the opening.
Hollywood--
No, no--
Hollywood goes too far.
But she's dead.
But everybody comes back.
Everybody comes back
to get their money.
She came back as Oprah Winfrey
to get her money.
"Barbershop"
is a smart comedy
about a day in the life
of a black barbershop
on the south side of Chicago.
It is owned by Ice Cube
and inhabited
by a colorful cast of characters
who bicker with one another
in various hilarious ways.
Recently, a sequel was made.
You know it's just a front.
It really--They really sell
drugs out of barbershops.
[stutters]
"The Last Samurai"
centers around Tom Cruise,
a civil war veteran
who goes to Japan
and teaches the emperor's troops
how to fight.
-Mr. Mooney?
-No, no, another movie this--
I was offended by.
I mean, Hollywood is crazy.
"The Last Samurai"
starring Tom Cruise?
-He's the Last Samurai?
-Mm-hmm.
Give me a break.
That movie was offensive.
I mean, Hollywood is crazy.
First, they had
" The Mexican " with Brad Pitt,
and now they've got
" The Last Samurai"
with Tom Cruise.
Well, I've written a film.
Maybe they'll--
Maybe they'll produce my film:
"The Last Nigga On Earth"
starring Tom Hanks.
-How about that?
-[audience applause]
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
We'll be right back.
Don't go nowhere.
[audience cheering]
[upbeat music]
[laughs] Go ahead.
-[audience cheering]
-Welcome back.
Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show, everybody.
Man.
Now, has anybody ever been,
seen this thing on ESPN?
These poker games now?
Like poker--
I didn't even know poker
was a sport.
They--
That's weird, right?
Poker championships.
I didn't know
that gambling was so acceptable.
And then I was watching
late at night
they have actually, like,
blacks, like, black gambling,
like, the world series of dice.
It's crazy.
[laughing]
I'm serious.
It's right--look.
[audience laughing]
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome
to the Marcy projects
here in Brooklyn, New York.
Why are we here?
To buy weed?
Not this time, Bill.
Nope, everyone knows
we're here for one reason
and one reason only.
We're here
for the eighth annual
World Series of Dice.
Well, that's right, Rob.
Some of the greatest players
from around the world
have gathered here to
compete for the grand prize:
One another's money.
And bragging rights
for the whole year.
Let's meet them,
these kings of click-clack.
From Kansas City, Missouri,
legendary shooter
Grits n' Gravy.
Grits n' Gravy.
Kansas City, Missouri.
Flying in from
the far east is Phyuck Yiu,
one of the premier dice players
in the eastern hemisphere.
He has played dice in some
of the gullyest of games.
Phyuck Yiu.
Konichiwa, bitches!
Drop the card, baby!
And that's
Leonard Washington.
You know they say,
"Papa didn't take no mess."
Well, neither does Leonard.
My name's Leonard Washington.
Where I'm from?
a little town called
"None of your Goddamn business."
Let's play some dice, bitches.
And finally,
from these very projects,
local legend Ashy Larry.
Why do they call him
Ashy Larry?
Well, there's your answer.
Ashy Larry.
Marcy projects.
Marcy, son.
What.
Okay,
Larry gets first roll.
Let's see how he does.
That man is drier
than Kunta Kinte's ankle.
Come on, let's go.
I stole this money
out of my girl's purse.
She think I'm out
emptying the trash.
Come on, baby, I need this.
What you need
is some chopstick
and a set of trousers.
Roll the dice,
you ashy mother fucker.
Start the game.
All right, but I'm about
to go from ashy to classy.
[moaning]
Ooh, and just like that,
Ashy Larry is eliminated.
-Ouch.
-She gonna kill me.
Keisha gonna kill me.
Larry, what the fuck
are you doing?
I was--Okay, remember,
I was emptying the trash--
And that better
not be the money
out my God damn purse!
I was--Okay, remember--
Pick the shit up
and get the fuck out of here.
That's just what I'm
trying to tell you!
I was just taking
the trash out.
You hear me?
I was just taking the trash--
She is gonna fuck him up.
You said it, Bill.
Okay, Grits n' Gravy
is up next.
Now, grits is
most known for once rolling
77 sevens in a row
at a casino in Las Vegas,
making him
a millionaire in the process.
Well, you know, Rob,
earlier today,
we asked him what
he did with the money.
Let's take a look.
I bought my mama a car.
I spent the rest on PCP.
Okay, simple enough.
I like his style.
Loves his mother.
Loves PCP.
Grits n' Gravy
is ready to roll.
Let's see how he does.
-Come on, put in.
-All right.
Put up or shut up.
-All right, just hold on.
-Time to double up!
Here to take
everybody money.
Seven!
Seven!
What you all know about seven?
Pay me.
Boy, you are the Goddamn devil.
Put it down there.
Put it down there!
Let's spread this around.
Yes.
Hubba-hubba!
A'ight, you know what?
I'm tired.
I ain't got all day.
I got babies to kiss
and bitches to catch.
All in.
All in?
I see you.
[dramatic music]
[dramatic whistling]
[Rob] And Leonard
laying it on thick.
An incredible stare down
between Leonard and Grits.
Look at the flaring nostrils.
Makes me want to throw up.
Ooh!
-Snake eyes!
-Damn!
And just like that,
Grits is eliminated.
- And when I leave,
come together like butt cheeks.
And it comes down
to these two men,
Leonard Washington
and Phyuck Yiu.
- I want everybody in here
-[people screaming]
-to get butt-ass naked!
Get your Goddamn clothes off!
This is a robbery!
- And almost on cue
the game gets robbed.
Local thug
Rodney "Quills" Dinkins,
breaking into the
Marcy projects hallway here
and telling us all
to get butt naked.
You know, Bill,
dice games get robbed.
It happens all the time.
They very rarely come
to a reasonable end.
T.V is no different.
What you waiting for,
cool breeze?
Get butt naked right now!
Get it off, son!
First of all, you better
check your tone with me, man.
I don't think you know
who you're talking to.
I'm Leonard Washington.
I don't get
butt naked for nobody.
You want this roll, nigga,
you gonna have to shoot me.
-Okay.
-[gunshot]
This mother fucker
has lost his mind.
God damn!
And Leonard takes
a slug to the leg.
Oh, but I'll tell you
something, Rob,
you noticed he shot him
below the waist,
so it's not attempted murder.
That was very intelligent
on Quills' part.
Quills knows the law.
This is why black people
don't have nothing.
This is just what
they want us to do.
Your mother ain't shit.
And just in time, here comes
dumb ass Ashy Larry.
Where the dice?
-Where the dice?
-Yo, give me that money, son!
Go upstairs and put on
some lotion, right now!
Keisha told me
just to empty the trash.
Well, Rob, I got to admit,
I saw this robbery coming
from a mile away,
which is why I put
my car keys up my ass.
Quick thinking.
That's right, bitch.
Get them Goddamn clothes off.
Get that money up.
Get that money up!
Okay, okay.
So on behalf of Bill Burr
and Quills,
I'm Robert Petkoff saying--
Get that ring off.
Get that ring off, man!
Sorry, honey.
So long from the Marcy projects
and the world series of dice.
Hopefully, next year,
we'll be able to get
all the way through it, but
probably not.
Shut the fuck up, man!
Put them cameras in a box!
[audience cheering]
Whoo.
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
Don't go anywhere.
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
Look out.
♪ Turn on your T.V ♪
♪ What you gonna see ♪
[audience applause]
Hey, welcome back, guys.
Welcome back.
I'm just handling mine.
That's all.
Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show.
I'm Dave,
and I keep it real.
Sometimes, "Keeping it real"
can go horribly wrong.
We got to pick our spots.
It's good to be real sometimes.
It's good to be phony sometimes.
Yes, I said it.
Phony!
You think I'm this nice
in real life?
Fuck that, son!
[laughing]
It's because I'm on T.V.
I'm wild!
I pull my balls out right now.
I don't care.
Skeet, skeet,
skeet, skeet!
[audience applause]
If you don't believe me
that "Keeping it real"
ain't the best thing,
then take a look at this.
[narrator] You're watching
"When 'keeping it real'
goes wrong."
Vernon Franklin
was an exceptional young man.
He was the valedictorian
of his high school class,
won several scholarships,
and became the first person
in his family to attend college.
He got a good job and worked
14-hour days six days a week,
quickly becoming
the youngest Vice president
in the history of
the ViaCorp Corporation,
ending the cycle of violence
and drug addiction
that had plagued his family
for generations.
The officers of his company
were wrapping up the usual
Thursday meeting
in the south conference room
when Frank Murphy,
the man who had mentored Vernon,
made an awkward comment.
Vernon, great job, buddy!
You the man!
Give me some skin, huh?
[announcer] Vernon got along
with all of the people
he worked with,
which in his heart of hearts
made him feel
like an uncle Tom.
Though he could've ignored
the simple comment
his mentor made,
Vernon decided
to "Keep it real."
Get your motherfucking hand
out of my face.
You heard me, motherfucker.
Get your hands out of my face!
What do you think this is, man?
Just shake my hand like a man!
Here give me some five
on the backhand side
with all this crazy jive.
That's bullshit.
Want a little soft shoe?
Should I juggle some
watermelons for you, boss?
Fuck all that, nigga.
Hey, Vernon, buddy--
Get your motherfucking
hands off me, Frank!
This ain't a game.
This isn't the Vernon I know.
Allow me reintroduce myself.
My name is Hov.
You ain't never heard
that before, have ya?
Rap music, gangsta.
I used to beat
motherfuckers up just like you,
just for walking around my way!
Vernon.
Vernon, buddy--
You better sit
the fuck down, Frank.
-Excuse me?
-You sit down, bitch.
Thug life!
You think it's a game, nigga?
[barking]
Wu-tang!
[narrator] Today, Vernon
works at sonny's filler-up
on route 80 in New Jersey.
He makes $6.45 an hour
and stinks of gasoline even
when he's not at the station.
It's as real as it can be.
A dollar?
What am I gonna get
with a dollar, nigga?
I got kids, and that's real.
[announcer] Vernon Franklin.
Once a heartwarming story
of perseverance.
Wu-tang!
[narrator] Today,
a sparkling example of...
[audience cheering]
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break, y'all.
We'll be right back
after these messages.
The greatest show.
[audience applause]
Tonight's musical guests,
two of Chicago's finest MCs,
give it up for Common
and Kanye West.
[audience applause]
Common sense, yeah.
Yeah, it's common sense
with Kanye West
on the Dave Chappelle show
everybody got to eat,
right, y'all?
It's the food, baby.
♪ Yo, I walked in the crib ♪
♪ Got two kids
And my baby mama late ♪
♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh ♪
♪ So I had to did
What I had to did ♪
♪ 'Cause I had the kid ♪
♪ Duh-ough, duh-ough, duh-ough ♪
♪ I'm up all night
Getting my money right ♪
♪ Until the blue and whites ♪
♪ Po-po, Po-po, Po-po ♪
♪ Now the money
Coming slow ♪
♪ But at least a nigga know
Slow motion better than ♪
♪ No-oh, no-oh, no-oh ♪
♪ You love to hear
The story again and again ♪
♪ About these young brothers
From the city of wind ♪
♪ Like juice and gin
In the city we blend ♪
♪ Amongst the hustle,
Titties and skin ♪
♪ '50s and rims ♪
♪ Y'all know the Sprewells
And trucks that's detailed ♪
♪ Heartless females
That want to ride in them ♪
♪ Felt the south side venom
With rawhides and denim ♪
♪ Pimp minds collide with them
In a system that tries victims ♪
♪ We living it, my man
In the fast lane pivoting ♪
♪ On the block
White is selling like Eminem ♪
♪ On the block get
Jumped off like Kim and them ♪
♪ On the block is hot ♪
♪ You can feel it
In your skin and then ♪
♪ Shorties get the game but no
Instructions to assembling ♪
♪ Eyes bright it seems like
The fight is dimming them ♪
♪ Call my man cuz like
I'm kin to him ♪
♪ He trying to stay straight
The streets is bending him ♪
♪ I walked in the crib ♪
♪ Got two kids
And my baby mama late ♪
♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh ♪
♪ So I had to did
What I had to did ♪
♪ 'Cause I had the kid ♪
♪ Duh-ough, duh-ough, duh-ough ♪
♪ Yo, I'm up all night
Getting my money right ♪
♪ Until the blue and whites ♪
♪ Po-po, Po-po, Po-po ♪
♪ Now the money coming slow
But at least a nigga know ♪
♪ Slow motion better than ♪
♪ No-oh, no-oh, no-oh ♪
♪ It's all good in the hood
Like raps and gems ♪
♪ Throwbacks and timbs,
Blacks and rims ♪
♪ Whether on ball courts
Attires of all sorts ♪
♪ We never fall short ♪
♪ With us, it's all force
like Air-1s ♪
♪ Some waves, some air guns ♪
♪ The days of the fair one
Is over for ♪
♪ Cats is colder
Than four below ♪
♪ Myself, I go toe-to-toe ♪
♪ Wondering if it's for
The art or for the dough ♪
♪ Though I know to grow a nigga
Got to learn to let go ♪
♪ Though I know the dough ♪
♪ I got to bring back
To the Ghetto ♪
♪ Arrows on tarot cards
Pointing to the grind ♪
♪ Poor living in more prisons
Pointing to my mind ♪
♪ Shine the light up ♪
♪ Clench my fist tight
Holding the right up ♪
♪ Freedom fighting dark year
For the years to get brighter ♪
♪ Situations
Their jaws get tighter ♪
- ♪ My man tried to get his
weight And height up, come on ♪
- ♪ Yo, yo. I walked in the
crib ♪
♪ Got two kids
And my baby mama late ♪
♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh ♪
♪ So I had to did
What I had to did ♪
♪ 'Cause I had the kid ♪
♪ Duh-ough, duh-ough, duh-ough ♪
♪ I'm up all night
Getting my money right ♪
♪ Until the blue and whites ♪
♪ Po-po, Po-po, Po-po ♪
♪ Now the money coming slow
But at least a nigga know ♪
♪ Slow motion better than ♪
♪ No-oh, no-oh, no-oh ♪
♪ Hey yo, I,
I know I could make it right ♪
♪ If I could just
Swallow my pride ♪
♪ But I can't run away ♪
♪ Or put my gun away
You can't front on me ♪
♪ I, no,
I can't let it ride ♪
♪ No, no, not tonight ♪
♪ No, I can't run away
Or put my gun away ♪
♪ You can't front on me ♪
[audience applause]
- Common and Kanye.
Like to thank you guys
for watching.
I'll see you next week.
I'm out.
[audience applause]
I'm rich, biatch.
[horn honking]
- Hi.
Thank you.
Get your motherfucking hands
off me, man.
You trying to get choked?
I seen people shit on the street
'cause they ain't got no toilet.
- This isn't the Vernon I know.
[laughs]
- What'd you say?
You think this is a game?
You think
this is a fucking game?
[barking]
[laughing]
[barking]
Roc-a-fella!
[barking]
- Now tell me, brother.
♪ Where you gonna go? ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
- ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
- ♪ Oww ♪
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Let's start the show.
[announcer] And now,
"A moment in the life
of Lil Jon."
[audience cheering]
- Lil Jon?
Yeah!
I understand you may have
fractured your arm.
Yeah!
Let's take a look.
Okay!
Does this hurt?
No.
This?
Not really, no.
-This?
-[gasps]
No.
-What about this?
-Yeah!
All right then.
Do you have your
proof of insurance?
-What?
-Proof of insurance.
What?
Proof of insurance.
-What?
-Proof of insurance.
Huh?
Proof of insurance.
What?
-Proof of insurance.
-What?
-Your proof of insurance?
-What?
-Your proof of insurance.
-What?
-Proof of insurance?
-Huh?
Proof of insurance?
Yeah!
Oh, it's right here.
Now, do you do
any recreational drugs?
What?
Do you do any
recreational drugs?
[chortles]
That depends, doctor.
What do you define as "Drugs"?
-Medication?
-No.
Cocaine?
Absolutely not.
-Marijuana?
-Yeah!
Yeah!
What?
Nothing.
What?
Nothing.
-Pardon me?
-Nothing, just writing.
-What?
-I didn't say anything.
-What?
-Be done in a second.
Okay!
Fine.
What?
Need anything?
No, I'm cool.
-Okay.
[announcer] You've just watched
"A moment in
the life of Lil Jon."
-[audience applause]
-Dave Chappelle!
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, what's happening, y'all?
What's up, everybody?
Welcome to " Chappelle's Show ."
Thank you for being here.
-[audience cheering]
-Man.
You know, folks,
you might've heard me say this
publicly many times,
but this time I mean it.
I've--
I've quit smoking reefer.
[audience laughing]
No, I'm serious this time, man.
This--I'm done.
I don't want to smoke it
no more.
Them commercials be working
on me, man.
Every time
I seen them commercials,
they just have me feeling bad,
especially this one.
[man 1] Let me get
my cheddar burger, man.
[man 2] Hold your horses, man.
We all hungry.
[man 1] Are your horses here,
yo?
Yo, let me hold them for you,
man.
[laughing]
Let me get
my cheddar burger, man.
We've been here a long time.
-[coughing]
-You all right?
[laughing]
No cheddar for you, man.
Give me a cheddar burger, man.
Man, chill out
with that cheddar burger.
Yeah, chill out.
Yo, it was in your hand
the whole time, stupid.
Yo, you got to eat
that burger, dude.
-[crash]
-[audience gasps]
Shit.
You killed her, yo!
Come on, man, we got to
chop her body up
and stuff it down the drain!
Let's go!
Let's get the fuck out of here!
I can't, man!
There's people back there.
Shit!
[all screaming]
-Fuck.
-Come on!
Let's go, let's go!
[laughs]
I just love the fact
that I have a show
where you can run over a kid,
and everyone just
busts out laughing
[audience laughing]
only in this show.
Well, folks, here he is--
America's favorite,
my favorite,
Mr. Paul Mooney.
[audience applause]
And now, "Mooney on movies."
Our first film
is "G one with the wind ."
This film is an epic romance
centering around
Scarlett O'Hara,
a damsel in distress
during the civil war.
It is a must-own,
must-see movie.
I highly recommend it.
I couldn't agree
with you more.
I've actually
seen "Gone with the wind"
13 times since I was
ten years old.
No kidding.
You must be on crack.
I don't think
we've seen the same movie.
I thought Scarlett was a ho
'cause she went bed
with everybody, uh, but Mammy.
Um, I love Mammy.
Mammy was the best--
The best scene in the movie is
when Mammy
told the white people,
"Get off my porch,
White Trash!"
I stood and I applauded.
I loved every bit of it.
I liked Mammy, though.
I really--
I thought she was great.
I thought she had a great role.
Do you know in real life
it was Hattie McDaniel's.
They wouldn't let "Mammy"
go to the opening.
Hollywood--
No, no--
Hollywood goes too far.
But she's dead.
But everybody comes back.
Everybody comes back
to get their money.
She came back as Oprah Winfrey
to get her money.
"Barbershop"
is a smart comedy
about a day in the life
of a black barbershop
on the south side of Chicago.
It is owned by Ice Cube
and inhabited
by a colorful cast of characters
who bicker with one another
in various hilarious ways.
Recently, a sequel was made.
You know it's just a front.
It really--They really sell
drugs out of barbershops.
[stutters]
"The Last Samurai"
centers around Tom Cruise,
a civil war veteran
who goes to Japan
and teaches the emperor's troops
how to fight.
-Mr. Mooney?
-No, no, another movie this--
I was offended by.
I mean, Hollywood is crazy.
"The Last Samurai"
starring Tom Cruise?
-He's the Last Samurai?
-Mm-hmm.
Give me a break.
That movie was offensive.
I mean, Hollywood is crazy.
First, they had
" The Mexican " with Brad Pitt,
and now they've got
" The Last Samurai"
with Tom Cruise.
Well, I've written a film.
Maybe they'll--
Maybe they'll produce my film:
"The Last Nigga On Earth"
starring Tom Hanks.
-How about that?
-[audience applause]
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
We'll be right back.
Don't go nowhere.
[audience cheering]
[upbeat music]
[laughs] Go ahead.
-[audience cheering]
-Welcome back.
Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show, everybody.
Man.
Now, has anybody ever been,
seen this thing on ESPN?
These poker games now?
Like poker--
I didn't even know poker
was a sport.
They--
That's weird, right?
Poker championships.
I didn't know
that gambling was so acceptable.
And then I was watching
late at night
they have actually, like,
blacks, like, black gambling,
like, the world series of dice.
It's crazy.
[laughing]
I'm serious.
It's right--look.
[audience laughing]
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome
to the Marcy projects
here in Brooklyn, New York.
Why are we here?
To buy weed?
Not this time, Bill.
Nope, everyone knows
we're here for one reason
and one reason only.
We're here
for the eighth annual
World Series of Dice.
Well, that's right, Rob.
Some of the greatest players
from around the world
have gathered here to
compete for the grand prize:
One another's money.
And bragging rights
for the whole year.
Let's meet them,
these kings of click-clack.
From Kansas City, Missouri,
legendary shooter
Grits n' Gravy.
Grits n' Gravy.
Kansas City, Missouri.
Flying in from
the far east is Phyuck Yiu,
one of the premier dice players
in the eastern hemisphere.
He has played dice in some
of the gullyest of games.
Phyuck Yiu.
Konichiwa, bitches!
Drop the card, baby!
And that's
Leonard Washington.
You know they say,
"Papa didn't take no mess."
Well, neither does Leonard.
My name's Leonard Washington.
Where I'm from?
a little town called
"None of your Goddamn business."
Let's play some dice, bitches.
And finally,
from these very projects,
local legend Ashy Larry.
Why do they call him
Ashy Larry?
Well, there's your answer.
Ashy Larry.
Marcy projects.
Marcy, son.
What.
Okay,
Larry gets first roll.
Let's see how he does.
That man is drier
than Kunta Kinte's ankle.
Come on, let's go.
I stole this money
out of my girl's purse.
She think I'm out
emptying the trash.
Come on, baby, I need this.
What you need
is some chopstick
and a set of trousers.
Roll the dice,
you ashy mother fucker.
Start the game.
All right, but I'm about
to go from ashy to classy.
[moaning]
Ooh, and just like that,
Ashy Larry is eliminated.
-Ouch.
-She gonna kill me.
Keisha gonna kill me.
Larry, what the fuck
are you doing?
I was--Okay, remember,
I was emptying the trash--
And that better
not be the money
out my God damn purse!
I was--Okay, remember--
Pick the shit up
and get the fuck out of here.
That's just what I'm
trying to tell you!
I was just taking
the trash out.
You hear me?
I was just taking the trash--
She is gonna fuck him up.
You said it, Bill.
Okay, Grits n' Gravy
is up next.
Now, grits is
most known for once rolling
77 sevens in a row
at a casino in Las Vegas,
making him
a millionaire in the process.
Well, you know, Rob,
earlier today,
we asked him what
he did with the money.
Let's take a look.
I bought my mama a car.
I spent the rest on PCP.
Okay, simple enough.
I like his style.
Loves his mother.
Loves PCP.
Grits n' Gravy
is ready to roll.
Let's see how he does.
-Come on, put in.
-All right.
Put up or shut up.
-All right, just hold on.
-Time to double up!
Here to take
everybody money.
Seven!
Seven!
What you all know about seven?
Pay me.
Boy, you are the Goddamn devil.
Put it down there.
Put it down there!
Let's spread this around.
Yes.
Hubba-hubba!
A'ight, you know what?
I'm tired.
I ain't got all day.
I got babies to kiss
and bitches to catch.
All in.
All in?
I see you.
[dramatic music]
[dramatic whistling]
[Rob] And Leonard
laying it on thick.
An incredible stare down
between Leonard and Grits.
Look at the flaring nostrils.
Makes me want to throw up.
Ooh!
-Snake eyes!
-Damn!
And just like that,
Grits is eliminated.
- And when I leave,
come together like butt cheeks.
And it comes down
to these two men,
Leonard Washington
and Phyuck Yiu.
- I want everybody in here
-[people screaming]
-to get butt-ass naked!
Get your Goddamn clothes off!
This is a robbery!
- And almost on cue
the game gets robbed.
Local thug
Rodney "Quills" Dinkins,
breaking into the
Marcy projects hallway here
and telling us all
to get butt naked.
You know, Bill,
dice games get robbed.
It happens all the time.
They very rarely come
to a reasonable end.
T.V is no different.
What you waiting for,
cool breeze?
Get butt naked right now!
Get it off, son!
First of all, you better
check your tone with me, man.
I don't think you know
who you're talking to.
I'm Leonard Washington.
I don't get
butt naked for nobody.
You want this roll, nigga,
you gonna have to shoot me.
-Okay.
-[gunshot]
This mother fucker
has lost his mind.
God damn!
And Leonard takes
a slug to the leg.
Oh, but I'll tell you
something, Rob,
you noticed he shot him
below the waist,
so it's not attempted murder.
That was very intelligent
on Quills' part.
Quills knows the law.
This is why black people
don't have nothing.
This is just what
they want us to do.
Your mother ain't shit.
And just in time, here comes
dumb ass Ashy Larry.
Where the dice?
-Where the dice?
-Yo, give me that money, son!
Go upstairs and put on
some lotion, right now!
Keisha told me
just to empty the trash.
Well, Rob, I got to admit,
I saw this robbery coming
from a mile away,
which is why I put
my car keys up my ass.
Quick thinking.
That's right, bitch.
Get them Goddamn clothes off.
Get that money up.
Get that money up!
Okay, okay.
So on behalf of Bill Burr
and Quills,
I'm Robert Petkoff saying--
Get that ring off.
Get that ring off, man!
Sorry, honey.
So long from the Marcy projects
and the world series of dice.
Hopefully, next year,
we'll be able to get
all the way through it, but
probably not.
Shut the fuck up, man!
Put them cameras in a box!
[audience cheering]
Whoo.
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
Don't go anywhere.
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
Look out.
♪ Turn on your T.V ♪
♪ What you gonna see ♪
[audience applause]
Hey, welcome back, guys.
Welcome back.
I'm just handling mine.
That's all.
Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show.
I'm Dave,
and I keep it real.
Sometimes, "Keeping it real"
can go horribly wrong.
We got to pick our spots.
It's good to be real sometimes.
It's good to be phony sometimes.
Yes, I said it.
Phony!
You think I'm this nice
in real life?
Fuck that, son!
[laughing]
It's because I'm on T.V.
I'm wild!
I pull my balls out right now.
I don't care.
Skeet, skeet,
skeet, skeet!
[audience applause]
If you don't believe me
that "Keeping it real"
ain't the best thing,
then take a look at this.
[narrator] You're watching
"When 'keeping it real'
goes wrong."
Vernon Franklin
was an exceptional young man.
He was the valedictorian
of his high school class,
won several scholarships,
and became the first person
in his family to attend college.
He got a good job and worked
14-hour days six days a week,
quickly becoming
the youngest Vice president
in the history of
the ViaCorp Corporation,
ending the cycle of violence
and drug addiction
that had plagued his family
for generations.
The officers of his company
were wrapping up the usual
Thursday meeting
in the south conference room
when Frank Murphy,
the man who had mentored Vernon,
made an awkward comment.
Vernon, great job, buddy!
You the man!
Give me some skin, huh?
[announcer] Vernon got along
with all of the people
he worked with,
which in his heart of hearts
made him feel
like an uncle Tom.
Though he could've ignored
the simple comment
his mentor made,
Vernon decided
to "Keep it real."
Get your motherfucking hand
out of my face.
You heard me, motherfucker.
Get your hands out of my face!
What do you think this is, man?
Just shake my hand like a man!
Here give me some five
on the backhand side
with all this crazy jive.
That's bullshit.
Want a little soft shoe?
Should I juggle some
watermelons for you, boss?
Fuck all that, nigga.
Hey, Vernon, buddy--
Get your motherfucking
hands off me, Frank!
This ain't a game.
This isn't the Vernon I know.
Allow me reintroduce myself.
My name is Hov.
You ain't never heard
that before, have ya?
Rap music, gangsta.
I used to beat
motherfuckers up just like you,
just for walking around my way!
Vernon.
Vernon, buddy--
You better sit
the fuck down, Frank.
-Excuse me?
-You sit down, bitch.
Thug life!
You think it's a game, nigga?
[barking]
Wu-tang!
[narrator] Today, Vernon
works at sonny's filler-up
on route 80 in New Jersey.
He makes $6.45 an hour
and stinks of gasoline even
when he's not at the station.
It's as real as it can be.
A dollar?
What am I gonna get
with a dollar, nigga?
I got kids, and that's real.
[announcer] Vernon Franklin.
Once a heartwarming story
of perseverance.
Wu-tang!
[narrator] Today,
a sparkling example of...
[audience cheering]
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break, y'all.
We'll be right back
after these messages.
The greatest show.
[audience applause]
Tonight's musical guests,
two of Chicago's finest MCs,
give it up for Common
and Kanye West.
[audience applause]
Common sense, yeah.
Yeah, it's common sense
with Kanye West
on the Dave Chappelle show
everybody got to eat,
right, y'all?
It's the food, baby.
♪ Yo, I walked in the crib ♪
♪ Got two kids
And my baby mama late ♪
♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh ♪
♪ So I had to did
What I had to did ♪
♪ 'Cause I had the kid ♪
♪ Duh-ough, duh-ough, duh-ough ♪
♪ I'm up all night
Getting my money right ♪
♪ Until the blue and whites ♪
♪ Po-po, Po-po, Po-po ♪
♪ Now the money
Coming slow ♪
♪ But at least a nigga know
Slow motion better than ♪
♪ No-oh, no-oh, no-oh ♪
♪ You love to hear
The story again and again ♪
♪ About these young brothers
From the city of wind ♪
♪ Like juice and gin
In the city we blend ♪
♪ Amongst the hustle,
Titties and skin ♪
♪ '50s and rims ♪
♪ Y'all know the Sprewells
And trucks that's detailed ♪
♪ Heartless females
That want to ride in them ♪
♪ Felt the south side venom
With rawhides and denim ♪
♪ Pimp minds collide with them
In a system that tries victims ♪
♪ We living it, my man
In the fast lane pivoting ♪
♪ On the block
White is selling like Eminem ♪
♪ On the block get
Jumped off like Kim and them ♪
♪ On the block is hot ♪
♪ You can feel it
In your skin and then ♪
♪ Shorties get the game but no
Instructions to assembling ♪
♪ Eyes bright it seems like
The fight is dimming them ♪
♪ Call my man cuz like
I'm kin to him ♪
♪ He trying to stay straight
The streets is bending him ♪
♪ I walked in the crib ♪
♪ Got two kids
And my baby mama late ♪
♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh ♪
♪ So I had to did
What I had to did ♪
♪ 'Cause I had the kid ♪
♪ Duh-ough, duh-ough, duh-ough ♪
♪ Yo, I'm up all night
Getting my money right ♪
♪ Until the blue and whites ♪
♪ Po-po, Po-po, Po-po ♪
♪ Now the money coming slow
But at least a nigga know ♪
♪ Slow motion better than ♪
♪ No-oh, no-oh, no-oh ♪
♪ It's all good in the hood
Like raps and gems ♪
♪ Throwbacks and timbs,
Blacks and rims ♪
♪ Whether on ball courts
Attires of all sorts ♪
♪ We never fall short ♪
♪ With us, it's all force
like Air-1s ♪
♪ Some waves, some air guns ♪
♪ The days of the fair one
Is over for ♪
♪ Cats is colder
Than four below ♪
♪ Myself, I go toe-to-toe ♪
♪ Wondering if it's for
The art or for the dough ♪
♪ Though I know to grow a nigga
Got to learn to let go ♪
♪ Though I know the dough ♪
♪ I got to bring back
To the Ghetto ♪
♪ Arrows on tarot cards
Pointing to the grind ♪
♪ Poor living in more prisons
Pointing to my mind ♪
♪ Shine the light up ♪
♪ Clench my fist tight
Holding the right up ♪
♪ Freedom fighting dark year
For the years to get brighter ♪
♪ Situations
Their jaws get tighter ♪
- ♪ My man tried to get his
weight And height up, come on ♪
- ♪ Yo, yo. I walked in the
crib ♪
♪ Got two kids
And my baby mama late ♪
♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh ♪
♪ So I had to did
What I had to did ♪
♪ 'Cause I had the kid ♪
♪ Duh-ough, duh-ough, duh-ough ♪
♪ I'm up all night
Getting my money right ♪
♪ Until the blue and whites ♪
♪ Po-po, Po-po, Po-po ♪
♪ Now the money coming slow
But at least a nigga know ♪
♪ Slow motion better than ♪
♪ No-oh, no-oh, no-oh ♪
♪ Hey yo, I,
I know I could make it right ♪
♪ If I could just
Swallow my pride ♪
♪ But I can't run away ♪
♪ Or put my gun away
You can't front on me ♪
♪ I, no,
I can't let it ride ♪
♪ No, no, not tonight ♪
♪ No, I can't run away
Or put my gun away ♪
♪ You can't front on me ♪
[audience applause]
- Common and Kanye.
Like to thank you guys
for watching.
I'll see you next week.
I'm out.
[audience applause]
I'm rich, biatch.
[horn honking]
- Hi.
Thank you.
Get your motherfucking hands
off me, man.
You trying to get choked?
I seen people shit on the street
'cause they ain't got no toilet.
- This isn't the Vernon I know.
[laughs]
- What'd you say?
You think this is a game?
You think
this is a fucking game?
[barking]
[laughing]
[barking]
Roc-a-fella!
[barking]
- Now tell me, brother.
♪ Where you gonna go? ♪