Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Internet & Moment In The Life Of Lil Jon - full transcript

Dave considers what life is like for rap sensation Lil' Jon and imagines how sleazy the Internet would look if it were a place. Anthony Hamilton performs "Comin' From Where I'm From".

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

- ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

- ♪ Oww ♪

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Woo-hoo ♪

- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Let's start the show.

[announcer] And now,

"A moment in the life

of Lil Jon."

[audience cheering]

- Lil Jon?


I understand you may have

fractured your arm.


Let's take a look.


Does this hurt?



Not really, no.




-What about this?


All right then.

Do you have your

proof of insurance?


-Proof of insurance.


Proof of insurance.


-Proof of insurance.


Proof of insurance.


-Proof of insurance.


-Your proof of insurance?


-Your proof of insurance.


-Proof of insurance?


Proof of insurance?


Oh, it's right here.

Now, do you do

any recreational drugs?


Do you do any

recreational drugs?


That depends, doctor.

What do you define as "Drugs"?




Absolutely not.








-Pardon me?

-Nothing, just writing.


-I didn't say anything.


-Be done in a second.




Need anything?

No, I'm cool.


[announcer] You've just watched

"A moment in

the life of Lil Jon."

-[audience applause]

-Dave Chappelle!



Oh, what's happening, y'all?

What's up, everybody?

Welcome to " Chappelle's Show ."

Thank you for being here.

-[audience cheering]


You know, folks,

you might've heard me say this

publicly many times,

but this time I mean it.


I've quit smoking reefer.

[audience laughing]

No, I'm serious this time, man.

This--I'm done.

I don't want to smoke it

no more.

Them commercials be working

on me, man.

Every time

I seen them commercials,

they just have me feeling bad,

especially this one.

[man 1] Let me get

my cheddar burger, man.

[man 2] Hold your horses, man.

We all hungry.

[man 1] Are your horses here,


Yo, let me hold them for you,



Let me get

my cheddar burger, man.

We've been here a long time.


-You all right?


No cheddar for you, man.

Give me a cheddar burger, man.

Man, chill out

with that cheddar burger.

Yeah, chill out.

Yo, it was in your hand

the whole time, stupid.

Yo, you got to eat

that burger, dude.


-[audience gasps]


You killed her, yo!

Come on, man, we got to

chop her body up

and stuff it down the drain!

Let's go!

Let's get the fuck out of here!

I can't, man!

There's people back there.


[all screaming]


-Come on!

Let's go, let's go!


I just love the fact

that I have a show

where you can run over a kid,

and everyone just

busts out laughing

[audience laughing]

only in this show.

Well, folks, here he is--

America's favorite,

my favorite,

Mr. Paul Mooney.

[audience applause]

And now, "Mooney on movies."

Our first film

is "G one with the wind ."

This film is an epic romance

centering around

Scarlett O'Hara,

a damsel in distress

during the civil war.

It is a must-own,

must-see movie.

I highly recommend it.

I couldn't agree

with you more.

I've actually

seen "Gone with the wind"

13 times since I was

ten years old.

No kidding.

You must be on crack.

I don't think

we've seen the same movie.

I thought Scarlett was a ho

'cause she went bed

with everybody, uh, but Mammy.

Um, I love Mammy.

Mammy was the best--

The best scene in the movie is

when Mammy

told the white people,

"Get off my porch,

White Trash!"

I stood and I applauded.

I loved every bit of it.

I liked Mammy, though.

I really--

I thought she was great.

I thought she had a great role.

Do you know in real life

it was Hattie McDaniel's.

They wouldn't let "Mammy"

go to the opening.


No, no--

Hollywood goes too far.

But she's dead.

But everybody comes back.

Everybody comes back

to get their money.

She came back as Oprah Winfrey

to get her money.


is a smart comedy

about a day in the life

of a black barbershop

on the south side of Chicago.

It is owned by Ice Cube

and inhabited

by a colorful cast of characters

who bicker with one another

in various hilarious ways.

Recently, a sequel was made.

You know it's just a front.

It really--They really sell

drugs out of barbershops.


"The Last Samurai"

centers around Tom Cruise,

a civil war veteran

who goes to Japan

and teaches the emperor's troops

how to fight.

-Mr. Mooney?

-No, no, another movie this--

I was offended by.

I mean, Hollywood is crazy.

"The Last Samurai"

starring Tom Cruise?

-He's the Last Samurai?


Give me a break.

That movie was offensive.

I mean, Hollywood is crazy.

First, they had

" The Mexican " with Brad Pitt,

and now they've got

" The Last Samurai"

with Tom Cruise.

Well, I've written a film.

Maybe they'll--

Maybe they'll produce my film:

"The Last Nigga On Earth"

starring Tom Hanks.

-How about that?

-[audience applause]

We're gonna take

a quick commercial break.

We'll be right back.

Don't go nowhere.

[audience cheering]

[upbeat music]

[laughs] Go ahead.

-[audience cheering]

-Welcome back.

Welcome back

to Chappelle's Show, everybody.


Now, has anybody ever been,

seen this thing on ESPN?

These poker games now?

Like poker--

I didn't even know poker

was a sport.


That's weird, right?

Poker championships.

I didn't know

that gambling was so acceptable.

And then I was watching

late at night

they have actually, like,

blacks, like, black gambling,

like, the world series of dice.

It's crazy.


I'm serious.

It's right--look.

[audience laughing]

Good evening,

ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome

to the Marcy projects

here in Brooklyn, New York.

Why are we here?

To buy weed?

Not this time, Bill.

Nope, everyone knows

we're here for one reason

and one reason only.

We're here

for the eighth annual

World Series of Dice.

Well, that's right, Rob.

Some of the greatest players

from around the world

have gathered here to

compete for the grand prize:

One another's money.

And bragging rights

for the whole year.

Let's meet them,

these kings of click-clack.

From Kansas City, Missouri,

legendary shooter

Grits n' Gravy.

Grits n' Gravy.

Kansas City, Missouri.

Flying in from

the far east is Phyuck Yiu,

one of the premier dice players

in the eastern hemisphere.

He has played dice in some

of the gullyest of games.

Phyuck Yiu.

Konichiwa, bitches!

Drop the card, baby!

And that's

Leonard Washington.

You know they say,

"Papa didn't take no mess."

Well, neither does Leonard.

My name's Leonard Washington.

Where I'm from?

a little town called

"None of your Goddamn business."

Let's play some dice, bitches.

And finally,

from these very projects,

local legend Ashy Larry.

Why do they call him

Ashy Larry?

Well, there's your answer.

Ashy Larry.

Marcy projects.

Marcy, son.



Larry gets first roll.

Let's see how he does.

That man is drier

than Kunta Kinte's ankle.

Come on, let's go.

I stole this money

out of my girl's purse.

She think I'm out

emptying the trash.

Come on, baby, I need this.

What you need

is some chopstick

and a set of trousers.

Roll the dice,

you ashy mother fucker.

Start the game.

All right, but I'm about

to go from ashy to classy.


Ooh, and just like that,

Ashy Larry is eliminated.


-She gonna kill me.

Keisha gonna kill me.

Larry, what the fuck

are you doing?

I was--Okay, remember,

I was emptying the trash--

And that better

not be the money

out my God damn purse!

I was--Okay, remember--

Pick the shit up

and get the fuck out of here.

That's just what I'm

trying to tell you!

I was just taking

the trash out.

You hear me?

I was just taking the trash--

She is gonna fuck him up.

You said it, Bill.

Okay, Grits n' Gravy

is up next.

Now, grits is

most known for once rolling

77 sevens in a row

at a casino in Las Vegas,

making him

a millionaire in the process.

Well, you know, Rob,

earlier today,

we asked him what

he did with the money.

Let's take a look.

I bought my mama a car.

I spent the rest on PCP.

Okay, simple enough.

I like his style.

Loves his mother.

Loves PCP.

Grits n' Gravy

is ready to roll.

Let's see how he does.

-Come on, put in.

-All right.

Put up or shut up.

-All right, just hold on.

-Time to double up!

Here to take

everybody money.



What you all know about seven?

Pay me.

Boy, you are the Goddamn devil.

Put it down there.

Put it down there!

Let's spread this around.



A'ight, you know what?

I'm tired.

I ain't got all day.

I got babies to kiss

and bitches to catch.

All in.

All in?

I see you.

[dramatic music]

[dramatic whistling]

[Rob] And Leonard

laying it on thick.

An incredible stare down

between Leonard and Grits.

Look at the flaring nostrils.

Makes me want to throw up.


-Snake eyes!


And just like that,

Grits is eliminated.

- And when I leave,

come together like butt cheeks.

And it comes down

to these two men,

Leonard Washington

and Phyuck Yiu.

- I want everybody in here

-[people screaming]

-to get butt-ass naked!

Get your Goddamn clothes off!

This is a robbery!

- And almost on cue

the game gets robbed.

Local thug

Rodney "Quills" Dinkins,

breaking into the

Marcy projects hallway here

and telling us all

to get butt naked.

You know, Bill,

dice games get robbed.

It happens all the time.

They very rarely come

to a reasonable end.

T.V is no different.

What you waiting for,

cool breeze?

Get butt naked right now!

Get it off, son!

First of all, you better

check your tone with me, man.

I don't think you know

who you're talking to.

I'm Leonard Washington.

I don't get

butt naked for nobody.

You want this roll, nigga,

you gonna have to shoot me.



This mother fucker

has lost his mind.

God damn!

And Leonard takes

a slug to the leg.

Oh, but I'll tell you

something, Rob,

you noticed he shot him

below the waist,

so it's not attempted murder.

That was very intelligent

on Quills' part.

Quills knows the law.

This is why black people

don't have nothing.

This is just what

they want us to do.

Your mother ain't shit.

And just in time, here comes

dumb ass Ashy Larry.

Where the dice?

-Where the dice?

-Yo, give me that money, son!

Go upstairs and put on

some lotion, right now!

Keisha told me

just to empty the trash.

Well, Rob, I got to admit,

I saw this robbery coming

from a mile away,

which is why I put

my car keys up my ass.

Quick thinking.

That's right, bitch.

Get them Goddamn clothes off.

Get that money up.

Get that money up!

Okay, okay.

So on behalf of Bill Burr

and Quills,

I'm Robert Petkoff saying--

Get that ring off.

Get that ring off, man!

Sorry, honey.

So long from the Marcy projects

and the world series of dice.

Hopefully, next year,

we'll be able to get

all the way through it, but

probably not.

Shut the fuck up, man!

Put them cameras in a box!

[audience cheering]


We're gonna take

a quick commercial break.

Don't go anywhere.

We'll be right back

with more Chappelle's Show.

Look out.

♪ Turn on your T.V ♪

♪ What you gonna see ♪

[audience applause]

Hey, welcome back, guys.

Welcome back.

I'm just handling mine.

That's all.

Welcome back

to Chappelle's Show.

I'm Dave,

and I keep it real.

Sometimes, "Keeping it real"

can go horribly wrong.

We got to pick our spots.

It's good to be real sometimes.

It's good to be phony sometimes.

Yes, I said it.


You think I'm this nice

in real life?

Fuck that, son!


It's because I'm on T.V.

I'm wild!

I pull my balls out right now.

I don't care.

Skeet, skeet,

skeet, skeet!

[audience applause]

If you don't believe me

that "Keeping it real"

ain't the best thing,

then take a look at this.

[narrator] You're watching

"When 'keeping it real'

goes wrong."

Vernon Franklin

was an exceptional young man.

He was the valedictorian

of his high school class,

won several scholarships,

and became the first person

in his family to attend college.

He got a good job and worked

14-hour days six days a week,

quickly becoming

the youngest Vice president

in the history of

the ViaCorp Corporation,

ending the cycle of violence

and drug addiction

that had plagued his family

for generations.

The officers of his company

were wrapping up the usual

Thursday meeting

in the south conference room

when Frank Murphy,

the man who had mentored Vernon,

made an awkward comment.

Vernon, great job, buddy!

You the man!

Give me some skin, huh?

[announcer] Vernon got along

with all of the people

he worked with,

which in his heart of hearts

made him feel

like an uncle Tom.

Though he could've ignored

the simple comment

his mentor made,

Vernon decided

to "Keep it real."

Get your motherfucking hand

out of my face.

You heard me, motherfucker.

Get your hands out of my face!

What do you think this is, man?

Just shake my hand like a man!

Here give me some five

on the backhand side

with all this crazy jive.

That's bullshit.

Want a little soft shoe?

Should I juggle some

watermelons for you, boss?

Fuck all that, nigga.

Hey, Vernon, buddy--

Get your motherfucking

hands off me, Frank!

This ain't a game.

This isn't the Vernon I know.

Allow me reintroduce myself.

My name is Hov.

You ain't never heard

that before, have ya?

Rap music, gangsta.

I used to beat

motherfuckers up just like you,

just for walking around my way!


Vernon, buddy--

You better sit

the fuck down, Frank.

-Excuse me?

-You sit down, bitch.

Thug life!

You think it's a game, nigga?



[narrator] Today, Vernon

works at sonny's filler-up

on route 80 in New Jersey.

He makes $6.45 an hour

and stinks of gasoline even

when he's not at the station.

It's as real as it can be.

A dollar?

What am I gonna get

with a dollar, nigga?

I got kids, and that's real.

[announcer] Vernon Franklin.

Once a heartwarming story

of perseverance.


[narrator] Today,

a sparkling example of...

[audience cheering]

We're gonna take a quick

commercial break, y'all.

We'll be right back

after these messages.

The greatest show.

[audience applause]

Tonight's musical guests,

two of Chicago's finest MCs,

give it up for Common

and Kanye West.

[audience applause]

Common sense, yeah.

Yeah, it's common sense

with Kanye West

on the Dave Chappelle show

everybody got to eat,

right, y'all?

It's the food, baby.

♪ Yo, I walked in the crib ♪

♪ Got two kids

And my baby mama late ♪

♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh ♪

♪ So I had to did

What I had to did ♪

♪ 'Cause I had the kid ♪

♪ Duh-ough, duh-ough, duh-ough ♪

♪ I'm up all night

Getting my money right ♪

♪ Until the blue and whites ♪

♪ Po-po, Po-po, Po-po ♪

♪ Now the money

Coming slow ♪

♪ But at least a nigga know

Slow motion better than ♪

♪ No-oh, no-oh, no-oh ♪

♪ You love to hear

The story again and again ♪

♪ About these young brothers

From the city of wind ♪

♪ Like juice and gin

In the city we blend ♪

♪ Amongst the hustle,

Titties and skin ♪

♪ '50s and rims ♪

♪ Y'all know the Sprewells

And trucks that's detailed ♪

♪ Heartless females

That want to ride in them ♪

♪ Felt the south side venom

With rawhides and denim ♪

♪ Pimp minds collide with them

In a system that tries victims ♪

♪ We living it, my man

In the fast lane pivoting ♪

♪ On the block

White is selling like Eminem ♪

♪ On the block get

Jumped off like Kim and them ♪

♪ On the block is hot ♪

♪ You can feel it

In your skin and then ♪

♪ Shorties get the game but no

Instructions to assembling ♪

♪ Eyes bright it seems like

The fight is dimming them ♪

♪ Call my man cuz like

I'm kin to him ♪

♪ He trying to stay straight

The streets is bending him ♪

♪ I walked in the crib ♪

♪ Got two kids

And my baby mama late ♪

♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh ♪

♪ So I had to did

What I had to did ♪

♪ 'Cause I had the kid ♪

♪ Duh-ough, duh-ough, duh-ough ♪

♪ Yo, I'm up all night

Getting my money right ♪

♪ Until the blue and whites ♪

♪ Po-po, Po-po, Po-po ♪

♪ Now the money coming slow

But at least a nigga know ♪

♪ Slow motion better than ♪

♪ No-oh, no-oh, no-oh ♪

♪ It's all good in the hood

Like raps and gems ♪

♪ Throwbacks and timbs,

Blacks and rims ♪

♪ Whether on ball courts

Attires of all sorts ♪

♪ We never fall short ♪

♪ With us, it's all force

like Air-1s ♪

♪ Some waves, some air guns ♪

♪ The days of the fair one

Is over for ♪

♪ Cats is colder

Than four below ♪

♪ Myself, I go toe-to-toe ♪

♪ Wondering if it's for

The art or for the dough ♪

♪ Though I know to grow a nigga

Got to learn to let go ♪

♪ Though I know the dough ♪

♪ I got to bring back

To the Ghetto ♪

♪ Arrows on tarot cards

Pointing to the grind ♪

♪ Poor living in more prisons

Pointing to my mind ♪

♪ Shine the light up ♪

♪ Clench my fist tight

Holding the right up ♪

♪ Freedom fighting dark year

For the years to get brighter ♪

♪ Situations

Their jaws get tighter ♪

- ♪ My man tried to get his

weight And height up, come on ♪

- ♪ Yo, yo. I walked in the

crib ♪

♪ Got two kids

And my baby mama late ♪

♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh ♪

♪ So I had to did

What I had to did ♪

♪ 'Cause I had the kid ♪

♪ Duh-ough, duh-ough, duh-ough ♪

♪ I'm up all night

Getting my money right ♪

♪ Until the blue and whites ♪

♪ Po-po, Po-po, Po-po ♪

♪ Now the money coming slow

But at least a nigga know ♪

♪ Slow motion better than ♪

♪ No-oh, no-oh, no-oh ♪

♪ Hey yo, I,

I know I could make it right ♪

♪ If I could just

Swallow my pride ♪

♪ But I can't run away ♪

♪ Or put my gun away

You can't front on me ♪

♪ I, no,

I can't let it ride ♪

♪ No, no, not tonight ♪

♪ No, I can't run away

Or put my gun away ♪

♪ You can't front on me ♪

[audience applause]

- Common and Kanye.

Like to thank you guys

for watching.

I'll see you next week.

I'm out.

[audience applause]

I'm rich, biatch.

[horn honking]

- Hi.

Thank you.

Get your motherfucking hands

off me, man.

You trying to get choked?

I seen people shit on the street

'cause they ain't got no toilet.

- This isn't the Vernon I know.


- What'd you say?

You think this is a game?

You think

this is a fucking game?






- Now tell me, brother.

♪ Where you gonna go? ♪