Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript
Charlie Murphy reveals another True Hollywood Story featuring Prince, and Paul Mooney answers life's biggest questions as "Negrodamus." Cee-Lo performs "Call Me".
♪ Chappelle's Show
Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
- ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
- ♪ Oww ♪
♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Let's start the show.
[male announcer]
Dave Chappelle, come on down.
You're the next black comedian
to get his own show!
["The Price is Right" theme]
[cheers and applause]
Oh, my God, I did it.
Hey, everybody, what's up?
Welcome.
Welcome, everybody,
to Chappelle's Show.
As you see, I am "Dizzle."
[laughing]
You know,
I've been watching the news
and reading the papers,
and I've been seeing that
there's been a lot of, like,
scandalous behavior.
Like, these, uh,
these major corporations--
they rip everybody off.
Enrons and Tycos
and all this stuff.
They don't be getting no time.
They don't get
no time in jail.
[audience laughing]
I got to get in on this
"Being white" thing.
It's like there's
two legal systems, damn near.
It'd be better if they--
just for like, maybe,
three days, if, like,
they actually put those guys
through the legal system
that we all
have to go through,
and then they put, like,
crack dealers and shit
through the legal system
that they go through.
Wouldn't that be something?
Well, tonight we have
a very special episode
of Law and Order.
I hope you enjoy it.
- How was work today, Charles?
- Oh, same old, same old.
Accounting's complaining about
us misleading the stockholders
and blowing
the employee pensions and--
what a bunch of babies.
I mean, come on,
this is business, people, right?
And speaking of business, yeah?
[growls]
Satchco, take a powder.
And you.
-[screams]
-[chuckles]
-[growls]
-[meows]
Snuggle bunny!
[laughs]
-[police] Go, go, go.
-[screaming]
[speaking indistinctively]
Get on the ground!
[screaming]
[dog panting]
Shut that fucking dog up!
[gunshot]
Get on the fucking ground!
Stop resisting, sir!
[phone ringing]
Nigga, I said stop
calling here, all right?
I'm bagging up the coke up
as fast as I can!
I'm detective Charles Stevens
from the Dade County
Police Department.
I've got a warrant here
for your arrest.
A warrant?
Charge is cocaine trafficking,
and, um, frankly,
I'm afraid I don't know
how to handle it.
Oh, man,
we got to be careful with this.
We don't want to embarrass
somebody like me
in front of my family
and my community.
I tell you what,
I'll come in and turn myself in
around Thursday, okay?
Is 1:00 good for you?
- Oh, no,
that's no good for me.
I've got some trim coming
at 12:00.
I'll turn myself in,
say, between
2:00 and 6:00?
Thank you so very much
for your help and, again,
I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
Oh, no problem.
One love.
Uh, yeah. I love you too.
[laughing]
So what am I charged with?
Yeah, like you don't know,
you little bitch.
[coughing]
Could you do me
a favor and not smoke?
I'm allergic.
Oh, hey, I'm sorry, Chuck.
Why don't I do you a favor and
put it out there for you, huh?
How do you like that,
you piece of crap!
I want answers, punk!
[whimpers]
I want to talk to my lawyer!
He wants to talk to his lawyer.
Legal aid, you're on.
Sorry, you're, like,
my 14th case this week.
-Somebody take a piss in here?
-It was me!
I peed.
[timid elevator music]
[timid elevator music]
I would like
to compliment you gentlemen
on a very classy,
baller-ass spread
with cheeses that I've
never even seen before.
And my apologies
for being late,
but I got caught up
with some Poonany.
[laughs]
Well, so, it's like I said,
we don't want to make
a big deal out of this thing.
You're a cocaine dealer,
but you've done a lot
of good for the community.
Oh, I know, man,
on Thanksgiving,
I'll be passing Turkeys out
like Nino Brown, baby.
But, seriously,
we have to do something.
How about you testify before
a senate committee and spend
two months at club fed?
When I get out,
can I still traffic rocks
to the community?
Absolutely not!
You're right.
Selling rocks would be wrong.
[laughs]
Jail's the shit!
Anyway, he points the gun at us,
and he tells his dog to sic us.
It was at that point
that I fired upon the canine
and we were able
to subdue Mr. Jeffreys.
Upon further search
of the mansion,
we were able to locate this,
pure Colombian heroin.
- Yeah, wait a minute.
Your honor, I don't know
who's heroin that is,
but it certainly
isn't mine.
Then his wife threw
her titties in my hand.
It was weird, your honor.
You grabbed her titties!
I saw you!
Before I sentence you,
is there anything
you'd like to say?
Okay, first of all--
All right, that's enough.
You're the worst kind of scum
on the face of the earth.
You're an animal.
A filthy, big-lipped beast.
I'd like to congratulate
the jury of your peers
for reaching a verdict
so quickly.
Ten minutes
is a new court record.
All your possessions will be
seized immediately by the court,
and you will receive
the mandatory
minimum of life in prison.
Plenty of time to lift weights
and convert to Islam.
Now get out of my sight,
you fuck.
Sir, is it true you were
a crack cocaine dealer
for seven years?
I plead the fifth.
Sir, will you tell us about
the cartels you dealt with
in your time
as a crack cocaine dealer?
Um, no, but I can tell you
that I plead the fizzifth.
Exactly how much money
did you earn
in your time
as a crack cocaine dealer?
♪ There ♪
♪ Are ♪
♪ I said there are ♪
♪ So many amendments ♪
♪ In the constitution ♪
♪ Of the United States
of America ♪
♪ I can only choose one ♪
[glass whistling]
♪ I can only choose ♪
♪ One ♪
♪ I plead the fifth ♪
♪ I plead the fifth ♪
♪ Five ♪
♪ One, two, three, four, fifth ♪
♪ Anything you say, fifth ♪
♪ Go ahead, ask me a question ♪
-Did you--
-♪ Fifth ♪
Sir, I have a secret document
that I think you need to see.
♪ Fifth ♪
That will be all, sir.
Good afternoon.
I got your sentence
reduced to a month, buddy.
Oh!
[laughs]
We'll take
a quick commercial break
and be right back.
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Better not bring your kids! ♪
Hello.
My name's Tyrone Biggums.
Sometimes,
the endless pursuit of crack
leaves me tired and depleted.
But now cocaine comes
in a delicious shake.
Red balls!
It gives me wings!
[sighs]
Mmm, hummina, hummina,
hummina, hummina!
My baby!
I left my baby in the car!
[baby crying]
[radar beeping]
Oh, my god!
[bionic man shimmer]
FYI, people
still do steal radios, hon.
How do you think
I got this suit?
[bionic man shimmer]
That Red Ball's got me!
Ahh!
[radar beeping]
[bionic man shimmer]
Mayday, Mayday.
We have a crack head
lifting up the bus.
Must be Red Ball.
I love this drink!
Thank you, Red Balls.
Excuse me, jailer.
Pardon me.
Might I have a Red Balls,
please?
Shazam!
[screams]
[bionic man shimmer]
[thuds]
Red balls.
Cocaine in a can, baby!
I can get some money
for this.
[cheers and applause]
Y'all remember last season,
we used to do a segment called
"Ask a black dude"
that featured
comedian Paul Mooney.
Well, he's back again this year
as America's leading
black psychic, Negrodamus.
- For centuries,
people have turned to one man
for the answer to life's
great mysteries.
That man is Negrodamus.
You, sir.
Negrodamus,
will Arsenio Hall
ever have another show?
Yes, Arsenio Hall
will get another show.
It will be called,
"Good morning, Black America."
It will be shown at noon
throughout the country.
Thank you so much,
Negrodamus.
Next.
[with French accent]
Negrodamus,
hello from France.
[Speaking French]
Arnold Schwarzenegger
will divorce his wife
and marry
Shirley Temple Black.
And she will be Mrs. Shirley
Temple Black-negger.
You, sir.
Negrodamus,
uh, why do White people
love Wayne Brady so much?
White people
love Wayne Brady
because he makes
Bryant Gumbel
look like Malcolm X.
[Announcer] For centuries,
people have turned to one man
for the answer to life's
great mysteries.
That man is Negrodamus.
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
Y'all don't go nowhere.
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Oww ♪
Welcome back.
You know, I don't know
if anyone's ever seen
this segment we've
done on the show,
"Charlie Murphy's
True Hollywood Stories,"
but if you haven't seen it,
Addie's older brother, Charlie,
works on our show,
and he tells us
these crazy stories,
some of which are so crazy
that we have to have him come by
and tell them to the crowd!
So tonight,
we have for you
a brand-new true Hollywood story
from Charlie Murphy.
I can recall another one,
like, in, you know-
I think it was in '85, like,
when all that androgynous shit
was going on,
and what was wild was that
the guy who looked
the most like a bitch
was getting all the women.
Even I had it--
the Jerry Curl was coming out,
and I had my shit slicked
to the side and all that.
If you wearing baggy shit now
and you acting hard,
if you from LA,
you motherfuckers was wearing
some strange shit.
We in the club.
We getting our groove on,
shaking it up,
and Prince came in there.
That's when
Purple Rain came out,
and Prince was the shit,
you know what I'm saying?
Prince had on, like, a--
it was like
a Zorro-type outfit.
It had the ruffles
that come down the front.
He had the big perm
fluffed out and all that.
And the mustache, you know,
just drawn on his face.
And it looked like something
that a figure skater would wear,
you know what I'm saying?
And he was
with his whole crew,
and he had this other cat
named Mickey Free,
and Mickey Free was, like,
the new cat in Shalamar
that, when he joined the group,
I heard mad cats, like,
"Yo, Shalamar got
this new girl in there.
Man, that bitch fine
like a motherfucker."
They was talking about
Mickey Free, okay?
Mickey Free is not a girl,
all right?
They came over
where we was at.
Prince started talking
to my brother.
Hello, Eddie Murphy.
Prince, what's up?
I'm a big fan
of your comedies.
Ooh, that's hot, Prince.
Would you like
to come to my house
and listen
to some music?
Oh, that's cool.
Fruity, get the car.
Assemble your crew.
I'll be outside.
We went up there.
We get there.
He puts the tracks on.
The tracks are slamming,
you know what I mean?
And we're listening
to the music and everything.
Grooving at the crib.
He had girls over there.
He had a nice environment.
It was tight.
This bores me.
Is anyone up
for a game of basketball?
[laughs]
How about
you and your friends
versus me
and The Revolution?
[laughs]
So I was like, "This nigga
must be joking, man."
I don't know where he's going
with this and shit.
But he was dead serious.
He had his, uh,
helper or whatever
go and get some, like,
shorts and sneakers
and gave them to us.
And laughing, I'm like,
"This is gonna be some
funny-ass shit."
So they come out, right?
And I look at them,
and, um,
they still got on the same shit
they was wearing at the club.
It was wild, and I was like,
"I know they ain't thinking
about playing ball in that."
But they were.
I said, "Hey, you know what?"
You know what we're
gonna call this?
The shirts
against the blouses.
[laughter]
And when I said that,
this look came on his face.
He ice grilled me.
And I'm looking back at him,
thinking to myself,
you know,
"What are you angry about?
"I mean, you know where
you got that shirt from,
and it damn sure wasn't
the men's department."
I mean, I kind of
learned something that day,
don't never judge
a book by its cover.
This cat could ball, man.
Play ball.
- He was crossing cats like ice.
Crossed me up.
Made my knees
slam together.
He was getting rebounds
like Charles Barkley.
Snatching it down!
Shoot the "J."
Shoot it!
Let's run a play.
Computer blue.
Darling picky.
Oww!
- They was kind of setting
these fruity picks, man,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, you'd be trying
to check Prince,
and then you go this cat
standing behind you,
and he's getting close to you,
and his hands
is out like this.
You don't really want
to be bent over
in front of a cat like that,
you know what I'm saying?
Prince was incredible!
Prince, you got a towel, man?
It's kind of hot
out here, man.
Why don't you purify
yourself in the waters
of Lake Minnetonka.
Good.
In your face,
Charlie Murphy.
Good.
Good hustle.
[slap]
Yo, man,
I'm not on your team.
I mean, it wasn't even
like it was close.
It was a landslide victory.
Game.
Blouses.
I was there.
I seen it.
You don't believe me?
You think
I'm making it up?
You think I'm trying to,
uh, you know,
enhance the story
because I'm involved?
Or trying to give myself
an excuse for losing
because I'm telling you
a story about Prince?
I dare you to challenge Prince
to a game of ball one-on-one.
Challenge him!
A'ight?
And make sure your people
is there to see the game.
'Cause you might get
embarrassed.
Trust me.
- All right,
he beat you in basketball,
and then what happened?
After it was all over,
he took us in the house
and served us pancakes.
Pancakes.
Well,
I got to admit, um,
it was a good game.
I wish I could say
the same for you
and your crew of flunkies.
Do you guys
want some grapes?
- I mean, you know,
there's some great storytellers
in the world
that we live in today, man.
Bitches.
Who the fuck
can make up that shit?
[cheers and applause]
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ Turn on your TV ♪
♪ What you gonna see ♪
- Hey, what's happening?
You guys are
a wonderful crowd.
I'd like to thank you all
for being here
and you at home
for watching.
I will see you another time.
Good night.
[cheers and applause]
I'm rich, biatch!
[horn honking]
- Hi, thank you.
Next rock.
Woman, give me
some of that Red Balls.
Come on, Tyreta.
Come on.
Oh. Oh, Red Balls.
Shazam!
This is the ride of my life.
I'm having another
heart attack.
Thank you, Red Balls.
Bitch, I can't sit still.
Take this.
I'll be right back, Tyreta.
I got to run some errands.
[bionic man shimmer]
Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
- ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
- ♪ Oww ♪
♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Let's start the show.
[male announcer]
Dave Chappelle, come on down.
You're the next black comedian
to get his own show!
["The Price is Right" theme]
[cheers and applause]
Oh, my God, I did it.
Hey, everybody, what's up?
Welcome.
Welcome, everybody,
to Chappelle's Show.
As you see, I am "Dizzle."
[laughing]
You know,
I've been watching the news
and reading the papers,
and I've been seeing that
there's been a lot of, like,
scandalous behavior.
Like, these, uh,
these major corporations--
they rip everybody off.
Enrons and Tycos
and all this stuff.
They don't be getting no time.
They don't get
no time in jail.
[audience laughing]
I got to get in on this
"Being white" thing.
It's like there's
two legal systems, damn near.
It'd be better if they--
just for like, maybe,
three days, if, like,
they actually put those guys
through the legal system
that we all
have to go through,
and then they put, like,
crack dealers and shit
through the legal system
that they go through.
Wouldn't that be something?
Well, tonight we have
a very special episode
of Law and Order.
I hope you enjoy it.
- How was work today, Charles?
- Oh, same old, same old.
Accounting's complaining about
us misleading the stockholders
and blowing
the employee pensions and--
what a bunch of babies.
I mean, come on,
this is business, people, right?
And speaking of business, yeah?
[growls]
Satchco, take a powder.
And you.
-[screams]
-[chuckles]
-[growls]
-[meows]
Snuggle bunny!
[laughs]
-[police] Go, go, go.
-[screaming]
[speaking indistinctively]
Get on the ground!
[screaming]
[dog panting]
Shut that fucking dog up!
[gunshot]
Get on the fucking ground!
Stop resisting, sir!
[phone ringing]
Nigga, I said stop
calling here, all right?
I'm bagging up the coke up
as fast as I can!
I'm detective Charles Stevens
from the Dade County
Police Department.
I've got a warrant here
for your arrest.
A warrant?
Charge is cocaine trafficking,
and, um, frankly,
I'm afraid I don't know
how to handle it.
Oh, man,
we got to be careful with this.
We don't want to embarrass
somebody like me
in front of my family
and my community.
I tell you what,
I'll come in and turn myself in
around Thursday, okay?
Is 1:00 good for you?
- Oh, no,
that's no good for me.
I've got some trim coming
at 12:00.
I'll turn myself in,
say, between
2:00 and 6:00?
Thank you so very much
for your help and, again,
I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
Oh, no problem.
One love.
Uh, yeah. I love you too.
[laughing]
So what am I charged with?
Yeah, like you don't know,
you little bitch.
[coughing]
Could you do me
a favor and not smoke?
I'm allergic.
Oh, hey, I'm sorry, Chuck.
Why don't I do you a favor and
put it out there for you, huh?
How do you like that,
you piece of crap!
I want answers, punk!
[whimpers]
I want to talk to my lawyer!
He wants to talk to his lawyer.
Legal aid, you're on.
Sorry, you're, like,
my 14th case this week.
-Somebody take a piss in here?
-It was me!
I peed.
[timid elevator music]
[timid elevator music]
I would like
to compliment you gentlemen
on a very classy,
baller-ass spread
with cheeses that I've
never even seen before.
And my apologies
for being late,
but I got caught up
with some Poonany.
[laughs]
Well, so, it's like I said,
we don't want to make
a big deal out of this thing.
You're a cocaine dealer,
but you've done a lot
of good for the community.
Oh, I know, man,
on Thanksgiving,
I'll be passing Turkeys out
like Nino Brown, baby.
But, seriously,
we have to do something.
How about you testify before
a senate committee and spend
two months at club fed?
When I get out,
can I still traffic rocks
to the community?
Absolutely not!
You're right.
Selling rocks would be wrong.
[laughs]
Jail's the shit!
Anyway, he points the gun at us,
and he tells his dog to sic us.
It was at that point
that I fired upon the canine
and we were able
to subdue Mr. Jeffreys.
Upon further search
of the mansion,
we were able to locate this,
pure Colombian heroin.
- Yeah, wait a minute.
Your honor, I don't know
who's heroin that is,
but it certainly
isn't mine.
Then his wife threw
her titties in my hand.
It was weird, your honor.
You grabbed her titties!
I saw you!
Before I sentence you,
is there anything
you'd like to say?
Okay, first of all--
All right, that's enough.
You're the worst kind of scum
on the face of the earth.
You're an animal.
A filthy, big-lipped beast.
I'd like to congratulate
the jury of your peers
for reaching a verdict
so quickly.
Ten minutes
is a new court record.
All your possessions will be
seized immediately by the court,
and you will receive
the mandatory
minimum of life in prison.
Plenty of time to lift weights
and convert to Islam.
Now get out of my sight,
you fuck.
Sir, is it true you were
a crack cocaine dealer
for seven years?
I plead the fifth.
Sir, will you tell us about
the cartels you dealt with
in your time
as a crack cocaine dealer?
Um, no, but I can tell you
that I plead the fizzifth.
Exactly how much money
did you earn
in your time
as a crack cocaine dealer?
♪ There ♪
♪ Are ♪
♪ I said there are ♪
♪ So many amendments ♪
♪ In the constitution ♪
♪ Of the United States
of America ♪
♪ I can only choose one ♪
[glass whistling]
♪ I can only choose ♪
♪ One ♪
♪ I plead the fifth ♪
♪ I plead the fifth ♪
♪ Five ♪
♪ One, two, three, four, fifth ♪
♪ Anything you say, fifth ♪
♪ Go ahead, ask me a question ♪
-Did you--
-♪ Fifth ♪
Sir, I have a secret document
that I think you need to see.
♪ Fifth ♪
That will be all, sir.
Good afternoon.
I got your sentence
reduced to a month, buddy.
Oh!
[laughs]
We'll take
a quick commercial break
and be right back.
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Better not bring your kids! ♪
Hello.
My name's Tyrone Biggums.
Sometimes,
the endless pursuit of crack
leaves me tired and depleted.
But now cocaine comes
in a delicious shake.
Red balls!
It gives me wings!
[sighs]
Mmm, hummina, hummina,
hummina, hummina!
My baby!
I left my baby in the car!
[baby crying]
[radar beeping]
Oh, my god!
[bionic man shimmer]
FYI, people
still do steal radios, hon.
How do you think
I got this suit?
[bionic man shimmer]
That Red Ball's got me!
Ahh!
[radar beeping]
[bionic man shimmer]
Mayday, Mayday.
We have a crack head
lifting up the bus.
Must be Red Ball.
I love this drink!
Thank you, Red Balls.
Excuse me, jailer.
Pardon me.
Might I have a Red Balls,
please?
Shazam!
[screams]
[bionic man shimmer]
[thuds]
Red balls.
Cocaine in a can, baby!
I can get some money
for this.
[cheers and applause]
Y'all remember last season,
we used to do a segment called
"Ask a black dude"
that featured
comedian Paul Mooney.
Well, he's back again this year
as America's leading
black psychic, Negrodamus.
- For centuries,
people have turned to one man
for the answer to life's
great mysteries.
That man is Negrodamus.
You, sir.
Negrodamus,
will Arsenio Hall
ever have another show?
Yes, Arsenio Hall
will get another show.
It will be called,
"Good morning, Black America."
It will be shown at noon
throughout the country.
Thank you so much,
Negrodamus.
Next.
[with French accent]
Negrodamus,
hello from France.
[Speaking French]
Arnold Schwarzenegger
will divorce his wife
and marry
Shirley Temple Black.
And she will be Mrs. Shirley
Temple Black-negger.
You, sir.
Negrodamus,
uh, why do White people
love Wayne Brady so much?
White people
love Wayne Brady
because he makes
Bryant Gumbel
look like Malcolm X.
[Announcer] For centuries,
people have turned to one man
for the answer to life's
great mysteries.
That man is Negrodamus.
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
Y'all don't go nowhere.
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Oww ♪
Welcome back.
You know, I don't know
if anyone's ever seen
this segment we've
done on the show,
"Charlie Murphy's
True Hollywood Stories,"
but if you haven't seen it,
Addie's older brother, Charlie,
works on our show,
and he tells us
these crazy stories,
some of which are so crazy
that we have to have him come by
and tell them to the crowd!
So tonight,
we have for you
a brand-new true Hollywood story
from Charlie Murphy.
I can recall another one,
like, in, you know-
I think it was in '85, like,
when all that androgynous shit
was going on,
and what was wild was that
the guy who looked
the most like a bitch
was getting all the women.
Even I had it--
the Jerry Curl was coming out,
and I had my shit slicked
to the side and all that.
If you wearing baggy shit now
and you acting hard,
if you from LA,
you motherfuckers was wearing
some strange shit.
We in the club.
We getting our groove on,
shaking it up,
and Prince came in there.
That's when
Purple Rain came out,
and Prince was the shit,
you know what I'm saying?
Prince had on, like, a--
it was like
a Zorro-type outfit.
It had the ruffles
that come down the front.
He had the big perm
fluffed out and all that.
And the mustache, you know,
just drawn on his face.
And it looked like something
that a figure skater would wear,
you know what I'm saying?
And he was
with his whole crew,
and he had this other cat
named Mickey Free,
and Mickey Free was, like,
the new cat in Shalamar
that, when he joined the group,
I heard mad cats, like,
"Yo, Shalamar got
this new girl in there.
Man, that bitch fine
like a motherfucker."
They was talking about
Mickey Free, okay?
Mickey Free is not a girl,
all right?
They came over
where we was at.
Prince started talking
to my brother.
Hello, Eddie Murphy.
Prince, what's up?
I'm a big fan
of your comedies.
Ooh, that's hot, Prince.
Would you like
to come to my house
and listen
to some music?
Oh, that's cool.
Fruity, get the car.
Assemble your crew.
I'll be outside.
We went up there.
We get there.
He puts the tracks on.
The tracks are slamming,
you know what I mean?
And we're listening
to the music and everything.
Grooving at the crib.
He had girls over there.
He had a nice environment.
It was tight.
This bores me.
Is anyone up
for a game of basketball?
[laughs]
How about
you and your friends
versus me
and The Revolution?
[laughs]
So I was like, "This nigga
must be joking, man."
I don't know where he's going
with this and shit.
But he was dead serious.
He had his, uh,
helper or whatever
go and get some, like,
shorts and sneakers
and gave them to us.
And laughing, I'm like,
"This is gonna be some
funny-ass shit."
So they come out, right?
And I look at them,
and, um,
they still got on the same shit
they was wearing at the club.
It was wild, and I was like,
"I know they ain't thinking
about playing ball in that."
But they were.
I said, "Hey, you know what?"
You know what we're
gonna call this?
The shirts
against the blouses.
[laughter]
And when I said that,
this look came on his face.
He ice grilled me.
And I'm looking back at him,
thinking to myself,
you know,
"What are you angry about?
"I mean, you know where
you got that shirt from,
and it damn sure wasn't
the men's department."
I mean, I kind of
learned something that day,
don't never judge
a book by its cover.
This cat could ball, man.
Play ball.
- He was crossing cats like ice.
Crossed me up.
Made my knees
slam together.
He was getting rebounds
like Charles Barkley.
Snatching it down!
Shoot the "J."
Shoot it!
Let's run a play.
Computer blue.
Darling picky.
Oww!
- They was kind of setting
these fruity picks, man,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, you'd be trying
to check Prince,
and then you go this cat
standing behind you,
and he's getting close to you,
and his hands
is out like this.
You don't really want
to be bent over
in front of a cat like that,
you know what I'm saying?
Prince was incredible!
Prince, you got a towel, man?
It's kind of hot
out here, man.
Why don't you purify
yourself in the waters
of Lake Minnetonka.
Good.
In your face,
Charlie Murphy.
Good.
Good hustle.
[slap]
Yo, man,
I'm not on your team.
I mean, it wasn't even
like it was close.
It was a landslide victory.
Game.
Blouses.
I was there.
I seen it.
You don't believe me?
You think
I'm making it up?
You think I'm trying to,
uh, you know,
enhance the story
because I'm involved?
Or trying to give myself
an excuse for losing
because I'm telling you
a story about Prince?
I dare you to challenge Prince
to a game of ball one-on-one.
Challenge him!
A'ight?
And make sure your people
is there to see the game.
'Cause you might get
embarrassed.
Trust me.
- All right,
he beat you in basketball,
and then what happened?
After it was all over,
he took us in the house
and served us pancakes.
Pancakes.
Well,
I got to admit, um,
it was a good game.
I wish I could say
the same for you
and your crew of flunkies.
Do you guys
want some grapes?
- I mean, you know,
there's some great storytellers
in the world
that we live in today, man.
Bitches.
Who the fuck
can make up that shit?
[cheers and applause]
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ Turn on your TV ♪
♪ What you gonna see ♪
- Hey, what's happening?
You guys are
a wonderful crowd.
I'd like to thank you all
for being here
and you at home
for watching.
I will see you another time.
Good night.
[cheers and applause]
I'm rich, biatch!
[horn honking]
- Hi, thank you.
Next rock.
Woman, give me
some of that Red Balls.
Come on, Tyreta.
Come on.
Oh. Oh, Red Balls.
Shazam!
This is the ride of my life.
I'm having another
heart attack.
Thank you, Red Balls.
Bitch, I can't sit still.
Take this.
I'll be right back, Tyreta.
I got to run some errands.
[bionic man shimmer]