Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript

♪ Chappelle's Show

Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

- ♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

- ♪ Oww ♪

♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪

♪ Woo-hoo ♪

- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Let's start the show.

[male announcer]

Dave Chappelle, come on down.

You're the next black comedian

to get his own show!

["The Price is Right" theme]

[cheers and applause]

Oh, my God, I did it.

Hey, everybody, what's up?

Welcome.

Welcome, everybody,

to Chappelle's Show.

As you see, I am "Dizzle."

[laughing]

You know,

I've been watching the news

and reading the papers,

and I've been seeing that

there's been a lot of, like,

scandalous behavior.

Like, these, uh,

these major corporations--

they rip everybody off.

Enrons and Tycos

and all this stuff.

They don't be getting no time.

They don't get

no time in jail.

[audience laughing]

I got to get in on this

"Being white" thing.

It's like there's

two legal systems, damn near.

It'd be better if they--

just for like, maybe,

three days, if, like,

they actually put those guys

through the legal system

that we all

have to go through,

and then they put, like,

crack dealers and shit

through the legal system

that they go through.

Wouldn't that be something?

Well, tonight we have

a very special episode

of Law and Order.

I hope you enjoy it.

- How was work today, Charles?

- Oh, same old, same old.

Accounting's complaining about

us misleading the stockholders

and blowing

the employee pensions and--

what a bunch of babies.

I mean, come on,

this is business, people, right?

And speaking of business, yeah?

[growls]

Satchco, take a powder.

And you.

-[screams]

-[chuckles]

-[growls]

-[meows]

Snuggle bunny!

[laughs]

-[police] Go, go, go.

-[screaming]

[speaking indistinctively]

Get on the ground!

[screaming]

[dog panting]

Shut that fucking dog up!

[gunshot]

Get on the fucking ground!

Stop resisting, sir!

[phone ringing]

Nigga, I said stop

calling here, all right?

I'm bagging up the coke up

as fast as I can!

I'm detective Charles Stevens

from the Dade County

Police Department.

I've got a warrant here

for your arrest.

A warrant?

Charge is cocaine trafficking,

and, um, frankly,

I'm afraid I don't know

how to handle it.

Oh, man,

we got to be careful with this.

We don't want to embarrass

somebody like me

in front of my family

and my community.

I tell you what,

I'll come in and turn myself in

around Thursday, okay?

Is 1:00 good for you?

- Oh, no,

that's no good for me.

I've got some trim coming

at 12:00.

I'll turn myself in,

say, between

2:00 and 6:00?

Thank you so very much

for your help and, again,

I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

Oh, no problem.

One love.

Uh, yeah. I love you too.

[laughing]

So what am I charged with?

Yeah, like you don't know,

you little bitch.

[coughing]

Could you do me

a favor and not smoke?

I'm allergic.

Oh, hey, I'm sorry, Chuck.

Why don't I do you a favor and

put it out there for you, huh?

How do you like that,

you piece of crap!

I want answers, punk!

[whimpers]

I want to talk to my lawyer!

He wants to talk to his lawyer.

Legal aid, you're on.

Sorry, you're, like,

my 14th case this week.

-Somebody take a piss in here?

-It was me!

I peed.

[timid elevator music]

[timid elevator music]

I would like

to compliment you gentlemen

on a very classy,

baller-ass spread

with cheeses that I've

never even seen before.

And my apologies

for being late,

but I got caught up

with some Poonany.

[laughs]

Well, so, it's like I said,

we don't want to make

a big deal out of this thing.

You're a cocaine dealer,

but you've done a lot

of good for the community.

Oh, I know, man,

on Thanksgiving,

I'll be passing Turkeys out

like Nino Brown, baby.

But, seriously,

we have to do something.

How about you testify before

a senate committee and spend

two months at club fed?

When I get out,

can I still traffic rocks

to the community?

Absolutely not!

You're right.

Selling rocks would be wrong.

[laughs]

Jail's the shit!

Anyway, he points the gun at us,

and he tells his dog to sic us.

It was at that point

that I fired upon the canine

and we were able

to subdue Mr. Jeffreys.

Upon further search

of the mansion,

we were able to locate this,

pure Colombian heroin.

- Yeah, wait a minute.

Your honor, I don't know

who's heroin that is,

but it certainly

isn't mine.

Then his wife threw

her titties in my hand.

It was weird, your honor.

You grabbed her titties!

I saw you!

Before I sentence you,

is there anything

you'd like to say?

Okay, first of all--

All right, that's enough.

You're the worst kind of scum

on the face of the earth.

You're an animal.

A filthy, big-lipped beast.

I'd like to congratulate

the jury of your peers

for reaching a verdict

so quickly.

Ten minutes

is a new court record.

All your possessions will be

seized immediately by the court,

and you will receive

the mandatory

minimum of life in prison.

Plenty of time to lift weights

and convert to Islam.

Now get out of my sight,

you fuck.

Sir, is it true you were

a crack cocaine dealer

for seven years?

I plead the fifth.

Sir, will you tell us about

the cartels you dealt with

in your time

as a crack cocaine dealer?

Um, no, but I can tell you

that I plead the fizzifth.

Exactly how much money

did you earn

in your time

as a crack cocaine dealer?

♪ There ♪

♪ Are ♪

♪ I said there are ♪

♪ So many amendments ♪

♪ In the constitution ♪

♪ Of the United States

of America ♪

♪ I can only choose one ♪

[glass whistling]

♪ I can only choose ♪

♪ One ♪

♪ I plead the fifth ♪

♪ I plead the fifth ♪

♪ Five ♪

♪ One, two, three, four, fifth ♪

♪ Anything you say, fifth ♪

♪ Go ahead, ask me a question ♪

-Did you--

-♪ Fifth ♪

Sir, I have a secret document

that I think you need to see.

♪ Fifth ♪

That will be all, sir.

Good afternoon.

I got your sentence

reduced to a month, buddy.

Oh!

[laughs]

We'll take

a quick commercial break

and be right back.

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Better not bring your kids! ♪

Hello.

My name's Tyrone Biggums.

Sometimes,

the endless pursuit of crack

leaves me tired and depleted.

But now cocaine comes

in a delicious shake.

Red balls!

It gives me wings!

[sighs]

Mmm, hummina, hummina,

hummina, hummina!

My baby!

I left my baby in the car!

[baby crying]

[radar beeping]

Oh, my god!

[bionic man shimmer]

FYI, people

still do steal radios, hon.

How do you think

I got this suit?

[bionic man shimmer]

That Red Ball's got me!

Ahh!

[radar beeping]

[bionic man shimmer]

Mayday, Mayday.

We have a crack head

lifting up the bus.

Must be Red Ball.

I love this drink!

Thank you, Red Balls.

Excuse me, jailer.

Pardon me.

Might I have a Red Balls,

please?

Shazam!

[screams]

[bionic man shimmer]

[thuds]

Red balls.

Cocaine in a can, baby!

I can get some money

for this.

[cheers and applause]

Y'all remember last season,

we used to do a segment called

"Ask a black dude"

that featured

comedian Paul Mooney.

Well, he's back again this year

as America's leading

black psychic, Negrodamus.

- For centuries,

people have turned to one man

for the answer to life's

great mysteries.

That man is Negrodamus.

You, sir.

Negrodamus,

will Arsenio Hall

ever have another show?

Yes, Arsenio Hall

will get another show.

It will be called,

"Good morning, Black America."

It will be shown at noon

throughout the country.

Thank you so much,

Negrodamus.

Next.

[with French accent]

Negrodamus,

hello from France.

[Speaking French]

Arnold Schwarzenegger

will divorce his wife

and marry

Shirley Temple Black.

And she will be Mrs. Shirley

Temple Black-negger.

You, sir.

Negrodamus,

uh, why do White people

love Wayne Brady so much?

White people

love Wayne Brady

because he makes

Bryant Gumbel

look like Malcolm X.

[Announcer] For centuries,

people have turned to one man

for the answer to life's

great mysteries.

That man is Negrodamus.

We're gonna take

a quick commercial break.

Y'all don't go nowhere.

We'll be right back

with more Chappelle's Show.

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Oww ♪

Welcome back.

You know, I don't know

if anyone's ever seen

this segment we've

done on the show,

"Charlie Murphy's

True Hollywood Stories,"

but if you haven't seen it,

Addie's older brother, Charlie,

works on our show,

and he tells us

these crazy stories,

some of which are so crazy

that we have to have him come by

and tell them to the crowd!

So tonight,

we have for you

a brand-new true Hollywood story

from Charlie Murphy.

I can recall another one,

like, in, you know-

I think it was in '85, like,

when all that androgynous shit

was going on,

and what was wild was that

the guy who looked

the most like a bitch

was getting all the women.

Even I had it--

the Jerry Curl was coming out,

and I had my shit slicked

to the side and all that.

If you wearing baggy shit now

and you acting hard,

if you from LA,

you motherfuckers was wearing

some strange shit.

We in the club.

We getting our groove on,

shaking it up,

and Prince came in there.

That's when

Purple Rain came out,

and Prince was the shit,

you know what I'm saying?

Prince had on, like, a--

it was like

a Zorro-type outfit.

It had the ruffles

that come down the front.

He had the big perm

fluffed out and all that.

And the mustache, you know,

just drawn on his face.

And it looked like something

that a figure skater would wear,

you know what I'm saying?

And he was

with his whole crew,

and he had this other cat

named Mickey Free,

and Mickey Free was, like,

the new cat in Shalamar

that, when he joined the group,

I heard mad cats, like,

"Yo, Shalamar got

this new girl in there.

Man, that bitch fine

like a motherfucker."

They was talking about

Mickey Free, okay?

Mickey Free is not a girl,

all right?

They came over

where we was at.

Prince started talking

to my brother.

Hello, Eddie Murphy.

Prince, what's up?

I'm a big fan

of your comedies.

Ooh, that's hot, Prince.

Would you like

to come to my house

and listen

to some music?

Oh, that's cool.

Fruity, get the car.

Assemble your crew.

I'll be outside.

We went up there.

We get there.

He puts the tracks on.

The tracks are slamming,

you know what I mean?

And we're listening

to the music and everything.

Grooving at the crib.

He had girls over there.

He had a nice environment.

It was tight.

This bores me.

Is anyone up

for a game of basketball?

[laughs]

How about

you and your friends

versus me

and The Revolution?

[laughs]

So I was like, "This nigga

must be joking, man."

I don't know where he's going

with this and shit.

But he was dead serious.

He had his, uh,

helper or whatever

go and get some, like,

shorts and sneakers

and gave them to us.

And laughing, I'm like,

"This is gonna be some

funny-ass shit."

So they come out, right?

And I look at them,

and, um,

they still got on the same shit

they was wearing at the club.

It was wild, and I was like,

"I know they ain't thinking

about playing ball in that."

But they were.

I said, "Hey, you know what?"

You know what we're

gonna call this?

The shirts

against the blouses.

[laughter]

And when I said that,

this look came on his face.

He ice grilled me.

And I'm looking back at him,

thinking to myself,

you know,

"What are you angry about?

"I mean, you know where

you got that shirt from,

and it damn sure wasn't

the men's department."

I mean, I kind of

learned something that day,

don't never judge

a book by its cover.

This cat could ball, man.

Play ball.

- He was crossing cats like ice.

Crossed me up.

Made my knees

slam together.

He was getting rebounds

like Charles Barkley.

Snatching it down!

Shoot the "J."

Shoot it!

Let's run a play.

Computer blue.

Darling picky.

Oww!

- They was kind of setting

these fruity picks, man,

you know what I'm saying?

Like, you'd be trying

to check Prince,

and then you go this cat

standing behind you,

and he's getting close to you,

and his hands

is out like this.

You don't really want

to be bent over

in front of a cat like that,

you know what I'm saying?

Prince was incredible!

Prince, you got a towel, man?

It's kind of hot

out here, man.

Why don't you purify

yourself in the waters

of Lake Minnetonka.

Good.

In your face,

Charlie Murphy.

Good.

Good hustle.

[slap]

Yo, man,

I'm not on your team.

I mean, it wasn't even

like it was close.

It was a landslide victory.

Game.

Blouses.

I was there.

I seen it.

You don't believe me?

You think

I'm making it up?

You think I'm trying to,

uh, you know,

enhance the story

because I'm involved?

Or trying to give myself

an excuse for losing

because I'm telling you

a story about Prince?

I dare you to challenge Prince

to a game of ball one-on-one.

Challenge him!

A'ight?

And make sure your people

is there to see the game.

'Cause you might get

embarrassed.

Trust me.

- All right,

he beat you in basketball,

and then what happened?

After it was all over,

he took us in the house

and served us pancakes.

Pancakes.

Well,

I got to admit, um,

it was a good game.

I wish I could say

the same for you

and your crew of flunkies.

Do you guys

want some grapes?

- I mean, you know,

there's some great storytellers

in the world

that we live in today, man.

Bitches.

Who the fuck

can make up that shit?

[cheers and applause]

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Turn on your TV ♪

♪ What you gonna see ♪

- Hey, what's happening?

You guys are

a wonderful crowd.

I'd like to thank you all

for being here

and you at home

for watching.

I will see you another time.

Good night.

[cheers and applause]

I'm rich, biatch!

[horn honking]

- Hi, thank you.

Next rock.

Woman, give me

some of that Red Balls.

Come on, Tyreta.

Come on.

Oh. Oh, Red Balls.

Shazam!

This is the ride of my life.

I'm having another

heart attack.

Thank you, Red Balls.

Bitch, I can't sit still.

Take this.

I'll be right back, Tyreta.

I got to run some errands.

[bionic man shimmer]