Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript
Dave introduces The Love Contract and the first of Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories featuring Rick James. Musical guest Ludacris.
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Oww ♪
♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪
Let's start the show.
[playing harmonica]
[man] You've just met
that special someone,
and you're letting
your desire for each other
take you to incredible heights.
But these days,
you can never be too sure
they aren't going to dispute
whether the sex was consensual.
- Mm, mm-- wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Before we go any further...
[man] Which is why this night
calls for the love contract.
-What's this?
-Nothing.
It's just a document saying that
you're a willing participant
in this sexual experience, baby.
Well, I am.
- Just sign here and here...
And initial there for oral.
-Oral?
-I'ma do you too.
Okay.
And just initial there
if you decline anal.
Unless, of course, you--
No, no, no,
it's not going down.
Pretty much standard.
Okay.
I don't know about you,
but I'm still horny.
Let's do this, girl.
Oh...
Oh, make me feel good!
[man] The love contract.
Because you'd hate
to catch a beef
for something
you know you didn't do.
And now...
- Yow!
[grunting]
Ah...
Oh...
[sighs]
Well, that didn't take
too long.
I know.
Just do me a favor, okay?
Don't tell anybody about this.
[man] From the makers
of the love contract
comes the confidentiality
agreement.
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna tell anybody.
I know you won't,
or I'll sue your ass.
Kobe!
[man] Available at all Walbog's.
[man] Ladies and gentlemen,
Dave Chappelle!
Oh, boy!
Hey, everybody.
Hey, man.
Welcome to Chappelle's Show.
How about that love contract?
That might be a Hollywood joke,
you know.
Hollywood's a crazy place.
I don't know if you guys know
people that work in Hollywood
or talk to people--
There's a guy
that does sketches
on our show, Charlie Murphy.
He was, like, Tyree
in The Mad Real World.
That's Eddie Murphy's
older brother.
A lot of people
don't know that,
but he used to just tell us
stories at lunchtime
about being in Hollywood
that were so crazy.
And he told us one story
that was so good
we had to have him come here
and tell it
for you guys tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen,
make some noise--
Charlie Murphy's
true Hollywood stories.
[cheers and applause]
I get out the navy,
my brother's famous.
His fame is exploding.
I'm real proud of that,
you know what I mean?
I'm getting to hang out
with people
that I only read about
in magazines
and seen, you know,
on the screen somewhere.
I'm, like, standing
next to them
and being
at dinner tables with them
and, you know,
it was a bug-out, man.
You know,
I was a huge Rick James fan.
That's the first person
that I would say
out of all
the celebrities that I met
that I was star-struck.
We gonna hang out
with Rick James tonight,
you know what I'm saying?
And here he comes out the room,
when I look at him--
and I'm not
bullshitting you, man,
I seen, like,
like an orange--
his aura or whatever,
I seen it.
It was orange.
♪ Give it to me, baby ♪
♪ Give it to me, baby ♪
He started kicking it.
And he was
mad niggerish, man,
which was, you know,
right up my alley.
I'm one of the baddest
motherfuckers of all time.
I'm one of the best singers
and one of the best-lookin'
motherfuckers you've ever seen.
Hold my drink, bitch.
He'd walk up to any chick
and lick the whole side
of their face, man.
I'm Rick James, bitch.
Enjoy yourself.
[chuckling]
We got closer,
started hanging out.
My brother didn't do
any of this shit.
So at night,
when Eddie would break out,
we would all be getting
crazy and wild.
And if I was hanging with Rick,
he had this thing with me
where he used to always,
like, fuck with me, man.
I don't know what started it.
Charlie, he was hanging out
with the big dogs, you know?
Charlie, he didn't know
he was doing crazy things
and I had to straighten him out.
Sometimes I had to go
upside his head.
Things escalated
to the point where, you know,
my man got too familiar
and I ended up having
to whip his ass, man,
you know, because,
you know, he would
step across the line.
Habitually.
He's a habitual line-stepper.
The first time, you know,
I had to end up
whipping his ass, uh...
We went to Studio 54.
We walkin' up
into the VIP section and, um,
I'm looking around
to see who's there
and lookin' at the girls
and everything.
And all of a sudden
I heard someone go...
Charlie Murphy!
That was...
♪ Cold-blooded ♪
[laughs]
He had this ring on
to commemorate this song
he had put out called Unity.
And this was imprinted
in that black head of his
for at least a week.
♪ Unity ♪
- Eddie and everybody else
thought that that was
the funniest shit.
And so that threw me in
a weird space,
'cause I'm like,
yeah, this is Rick James.
He's a star.
I'm Rick James, bitch.
[laughs]
This is a celebration, bitch.
[laughs]
- Maybe I'm overreacting.
I actually went there, like,
"Maybe I shouldn't do nothing."
But my ghetto side was goin',
"Yo, stomp this motherfucker
out right here.
What the fuck
is wrong with him?"
I drunk some wine
and I'm just getting started,
bitches.
[laughing]
He totally
just wrote me off.
Like, I'm that nigga
to steal on,
you know what I'm sayin'?
What, he's gonna slap me back?
I'm Rick James.
He's Charlie Murphy.
- I waited, 'cause I knew
what hotel he was stayin' in.
Eddie and them went home
and I said,
"Yo, I'll be right back."
I shot over to the hotel,
went up to his room,
knocked on the door.
-So then he comes in there.
And I said,
"Look, bitch, I'm Rick James."
Smacked him.
[chuckling]
Oh, Charlie Murphy!
-He had his head cocked
to throw another right hand.
When he was coming for it,
I just came--blaow!
I caught him
with the front.
He'll tell it
like he gave me
some kind of Bruce Lee crosskick
or somethin'.
I kicked the shit
out of him, man.
[screams]
[screams in slow motion]
The wind is knocked out of him.
And then he screams out...
Security!
-The one in the front,
he had crooked eyes and shit.
His one eye was lookin' at me.
The other one
was looking at Rick.
Rick had edged over
by the window.
Now, darkness,
the tables are turned.
Do with him whatever you like.
You motherfuckers
take one more step,
I'm kickin' this nigga out
the motherfuckin' window.
Bobby, freeze!
You know you was wrong
for what you did to me earlier.
Look what you did
to my face.
I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy.
It was an accident.
I was having too much fun.
I'll offer you a truce.
The stickiest of the icky.
You want to smoke
with the old boy, Rick James?
Yo, man, my forehead
is bumpin', man.
Now that you mention it,
I think I'm bleeding
inside my chest.
But I got the medicine.
Bitch, come over here
and have sex
with Charlie Murphy.
I'm Rick James, bitch.
That was how
that particular incident ended,
but it wasn't the last time
I had to whip his ass...
Whip his ass...
Whip his ass.
Don't you think
Charlie's a little old
to be taking Karate?
He probably takin' it
with the little kids.
Yeah, Charlie whipped my ass
in his dreams.
I told you, Charlie had
delusions of grandeur
in his head.
I'm telling you
what was happening.
I'm Rick James, bitch.
You guys at home,
stay comfortable,
because the whole episode's
gonna be just like this.
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show...
[cheers and applause]
♪ I'm going to
The Dave Chappelle show ♪
How's this?
[cheers and applause]
We're back with more
Chappelle's Show...
You know, folks,
I don't know if you guys
are just joining us,
but if you missed
the first act,
Charlie and Rick James are
in the midst of a conflict.
Let's see how the ongoing
Charlie and Rick James
feud develops.
The Studio 54 thing,
you know, that blew over,
you know what I'm saying?
But then, you know,
here we go again.
Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
[chuckles]
Rick is encouraging me.
You know, he shows up at
my brother's house fucked up.
Nice place, nigga.
So he had
these dirty cowboy boots on.
Pushing us out of the way,
barged in the house.
My brother had
these brand-new couches.
They were suede, right?
And he gets on the couch
and says...
Why don't I stretch out?
[laughs]
-And just started grinding mud
all into the couch, man.
Yeah, I remember
grinding my feet
into Eddie's couch.
-You remember why you did it?
Because Eddie
could buy another one.
Fuck your couch, nigga.
Buy another one,
you rich motherfucker.
Fuck yo' couch, nigga!
Fuck yo' couch!
Darkness's,
darknesse's...
'Cause of my complexion
he used to call me darkness.
He calls me
and my brother darkness.
He always says,
"Darkness brothers."
See, this is long before
Wesley Snipes.
Back then, we was the blackest
niggas on the planet
according to Rick James.
Eddie--both of them
were brother darkness.
Twin brother darkness.
-And we standing there,
looking at him,
and he's looking
right in our eyes
as he grinds his mud.
See, I never just did things
just to do them.
Come on, I mean,
what am I gonna do?
Just, all of a sudden,
just jump up and grind my feet
on somebody's couch
like it's, you know,
something to do?
Come on, I got a little
more sense than that.
Yeah, I remember grinding
my feet on Eddie's couch.
[tape rewinding]
see, I never just did things
just to do them.
Come on, I mean,
what am I gonna do?
Just, all of a sudden,
just jump up and grind my feet
on somebody's couch
like it's something to do?
Come on, I got a little
more sense than that.
Yeah, I remember grinding
my feet on Eddie's couch.
But then it was like,
"You know what?
Let's handle this."
We went over there...
- Hey, Charlie Murphy!
- And we held him down,
and we just wailed on his legs.
Aah!
Aah, you darkness...
You black, midnight
evil motherfucker!
Black magic, darkness!
You're all darkness!
You're fuckin'...
Delirious motherfucker...
Aah!
You are cold as ice.
- But still, Rick James,
even after taking
a beating like that...
Fuck yo' couch, nigga.
This motherfucker's goin' out.
His legs is like,
like, linguine.
I've been kicked out
of better homes than this!
I'll be back,
you black motherfuckers!
Wide-nose-havin' motherfuckers!
They should've never
gave you niggas money!
You don't know how
to appreciate shit!
You know you can
get another couch!
What am I gonna do
about my legs, Eddie Murphy!
My brother, you know,
he's a lot more compassionate
than I am.
He's looking and the Limo's
drivin' off, and he said,
"Wow, man,
Rick really needs help."
And I was like,
"Yo, we just gave him some help.
Bust his fuckin' ass and shit.
I bet you
he won't come over here
and disrespect
like that again."
Wrong.
We're talkin' about
Rick James, man.
Cocaine's a hell of a drug.
[chuckles]
I'm Rick James, bitch.
Don't go nowhere.
We'll be right back
with more of Charlie Murphy's
true Hollywood stories.
♪ Chappelle's Show. ♪
Better not bring your kids!
[cheers and applause]
Alright.
And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
it is time
for the dramatic conclusion
of Charlie Murphy's
true Hollywood stories.
I had to fuck him up at 54.
You know,
for what he did at 54,
I had to go to his hotel room
and kick the shit out of him.
Then he came over
to my brother's house,
and I had to whip his legs
because of what he did
on the couch.
I heard him tell a story
that he came
into the China Club one time
and I was behind the bar.
Now, this is true.
-This particular night,
I go over to the China Club,
and, um, I walk in,
and I'll never forget--
the first thing I seen
was OJ Simpson.
I remember thinking to myself,
"Wow, that's OJ Simpson!
He has a big fuckin' head, man."
And I walk from there,
I went in the other section,
and there's Rick behind the bar.
Drink up! Be merry!
Welcome to the China Club.
A China chung-chang,
a China chung-chung chang.
[laughs]
Rick's, you know, being Rick.
- Come on, baby,
show me your titties.
I'm Rick James.
Do something!
Mmm...
I wish I had more hands
so I could give those titties
four thumbs down.
[laughing]
I ain't realize
how high he was. Next thing you
know, he's like...
Charlie Murphy!
What's up, partner?
Darkness, everybody, darkness!
Everyone, darkness is spreading!
Come over here, Charlie.
I'm behind the bar
and I'm serving drinks,
and Charlie bends over.
I call out,
"Charlie, come here."
Charlie, there's a new joke
going around.
Have you heard it?
What did the five fingers
say to the face?
What?
Slap!
♪ Cold-blooded ♪
[laughing]
Bang, bang!
I'm Rick James, bitch!
Everybody, King Kong
ain't got shit on me!
-I'm standing there.
I'm thinking,
this nigga really has lost
his fuckin' mind.
First of all,
you don't slap a man.
[in slow motion]
Slap!
Okay?
I mean, even when slapping
was fashionable, you know,
they did it in Paris,
the guy would come up,
whap-whap--
"I challenge you to a duel!"
They would have a gun fight
after that.
Somebody had to go!
-I just was bugging out.
Anyway, I waited for
about five minutes,
something like that.
That's right, bitch.
That's right, bitch.
[laughs]
Ahh, darkness!
What's up, man?
Darkness!
Check it out.
I want to tell you somethin'.
Come here.
Oh, what's goin' on?
Ow!
-I slapped
the shit out of him.
Goddamn!
I came down on it
like this.
[in slow motion]
Ow!
Ah!
Goddamn.
His extensions was flyin'
all over the place.
That is absurd!
And he stepped back
and his eyes welled up
with water
like he was getting ready
to cry, and he said...
Why you hit me like that,
Charlie?
'Cause you hit me, man!
That was weeks ago,
motherfucker.
-I was partying!
- No, that was tonight!
-And I see that
he really forgot.
I hit you tonight?
Cocaine's a hell of a drug.
[chuckles]
I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy.
Come here, darkness.
Ha!
[laughs]
It's a celebration!
Bitches!
Come here.
It's a celebration, bitches.
Show Charlie Murphy
your titties.
I'm Rick James.
[laughs]
The milk's gone bad, Murphy.
That was the ebb and flow.
It was, you know--
he would go over the top,
and then I would, you know,
check him.
And then we would have fun
after that.
We're still friends,
as a matter of fact.
I love Charlie Murphy.
But we'd have it out, smacking
each other upside the heads,
smacking each other
in the face,
punching each other
in the chest,
kick each other.
[in slow motion]
- Fuck yo' couch, nigga!
Fuck yo' couch!
Ow!
They should've never
gave you niggas money!
Can you imagine
two grown men doing this?
Cocaine's a hell of a drug.
[chuckles]
I must be losing my mind.
Reminiscing about Charlie Murphy
come kicking my ass.
Ain't that a "b"?
- I'm Rick James, bitch.
[cheers and applause]
I would like to thank
Charlie Murphy,
I would like to thank
Rick James,
and I would like
to thank cocaine
for bringing us
such a crazy story.
I'm Dave Chappelle.
You're the best audience
in the world.
I'm out!
[cheers and applause]
- How does Rick James
pick up girls in the '80s?
How did I pick up girls
in the '80s?
I didn't have to say much.
Charlie had to go
through this whole thing.
"Uh, can I buy you a drink?
Uh... uh...
"What sign are you?
This is my friend Rick James.
We goin' to Rick James' house."
That's how Charlie picked up
girls after the drinking.
"We goin' over to Rick's house
after the club.
You want to come?"
♪ Now, tell me, brother ♪
[laughs]
Charlie used my name
to pick up girls.
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Oww ♪
♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪
Let's start the show.
[playing harmonica]
[man] You've just met
that special someone,
and you're letting
your desire for each other
take you to incredible heights.
But these days,
you can never be too sure
they aren't going to dispute
whether the sex was consensual.
- Mm, mm-- wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Before we go any further...
[man] Which is why this night
calls for the love contract.
-What's this?
-Nothing.
It's just a document saying that
you're a willing participant
in this sexual experience, baby.
Well, I am.
- Just sign here and here...
And initial there for oral.
-Oral?
-I'ma do you too.
Okay.
And just initial there
if you decline anal.
Unless, of course, you--
No, no, no,
it's not going down.
Pretty much standard.
Okay.
I don't know about you,
but I'm still horny.
Let's do this, girl.
Oh...
Oh, make me feel good!
[man] The love contract.
Because you'd hate
to catch a beef
for something
you know you didn't do.
And now...
- Yow!
[grunting]
Ah...
Oh...
[sighs]
Well, that didn't take
too long.
I know.
Just do me a favor, okay?
Don't tell anybody about this.
[man] From the makers
of the love contract
comes the confidentiality
agreement.
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna tell anybody.
I know you won't,
or I'll sue your ass.
Kobe!
[man] Available at all Walbog's.
[man] Ladies and gentlemen,
Dave Chappelle!
Oh, boy!
Hey, everybody.
Hey, man.
Welcome to Chappelle's Show.
How about that love contract?
That might be a Hollywood joke,
you know.
Hollywood's a crazy place.
I don't know if you guys know
people that work in Hollywood
or talk to people--
There's a guy
that does sketches
on our show, Charlie Murphy.
He was, like, Tyree
in The Mad Real World.
That's Eddie Murphy's
older brother.
A lot of people
don't know that,
but he used to just tell us
stories at lunchtime
about being in Hollywood
that were so crazy.
And he told us one story
that was so good
we had to have him come here
and tell it
for you guys tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen,
make some noise--
Charlie Murphy's
true Hollywood stories.
[cheers and applause]
I get out the navy,
my brother's famous.
His fame is exploding.
I'm real proud of that,
you know what I mean?
I'm getting to hang out
with people
that I only read about
in magazines
and seen, you know,
on the screen somewhere.
I'm, like, standing
next to them
and being
at dinner tables with them
and, you know,
it was a bug-out, man.
You know,
I was a huge Rick James fan.
That's the first person
that I would say
out of all
the celebrities that I met
that I was star-struck.
We gonna hang out
with Rick James tonight,
you know what I'm saying?
And here he comes out the room,
when I look at him--
and I'm not
bullshitting you, man,
I seen, like,
like an orange--
his aura or whatever,
I seen it.
It was orange.
♪ Give it to me, baby ♪
♪ Give it to me, baby ♪
He started kicking it.
And he was
mad niggerish, man,
which was, you know,
right up my alley.
I'm one of the baddest
motherfuckers of all time.
I'm one of the best singers
and one of the best-lookin'
motherfuckers you've ever seen.
Hold my drink, bitch.
He'd walk up to any chick
and lick the whole side
of their face, man.
I'm Rick James, bitch.
Enjoy yourself.
[chuckling]
We got closer,
started hanging out.
My brother didn't do
any of this shit.
So at night,
when Eddie would break out,
we would all be getting
crazy and wild.
And if I was hanging with Rick,
he had this thing with me
where he used to always,
like, fuck with me, man.
I don't know what started it.
Charlie, he was hanging out
with the big dogs, you know?
Charlie, he didn't know
he was doing crazy things
and I had to straighten him out.
Sometimes I had to go
upside his head.
Things escalated
to the point where, you know,
my man got too familiar
and I ended up having
to whip his ass, man,
you know, because,
you know, he would
step across the line.
Habitually.
He's a habitual line-stepper.
The first time, you know,
I had to end up
whipping his ass, uh...
We went to Studio 54.
We walkin' up
into the VIP section and, um,
I'm looking around
to see who's there
and lookin' at the girls
and everything.
And all of a sudden
I heard someone go...
Charlie Murphy!
That was...
♪ Cold-blooded ♪
[laughs]
He had this ring on
to commemorate this song
he had put out called Unity.
And this was imprinted
in that black head of his
for at least a week.
♪ Unity ♪
- Eddie and everybody else
thought that that was
the funniest shit.
And so that threw me in
a weird space,
'cause I'm like,
yeah, this is Rick James.
He's a star.
I'm Rick James, bitch.
[laughs]
This is a celebration, bitch.
[laughs]
- Maybe I'm overreacting.
I actually went there, like,
"Maybe I shouldn't do nothing."
But my ghetto side was goin',
"Yo, stomp this motherfucker
out right here.
What the fuck
is wrong with him?"
I drunk some wine
and I'm just getting started,
bitches.
[laughing]
He totally
just wrote me off.
Like, I'm that nigga
to steal on,
you know what I'm sayin'?
What, he's gonna slap me back?
I'm Rick James.
He's Charlie Murphy.
- I waited, 'cause I knew
what hotel he was stayin' in.
Eddie and them went home
and I said,
"Yo, I'll be right back."
I shot over to the hotel,
went up to his room,
knocked on the door.
-So then he comes in there.
And I said,
"Look, bitch, I'm Rick James."
Smacked him.
[chuckling]
Oh, Charlie Murphy!
-He had his head cocked
to throw another right hand.
When he was coming for it,
I just came--blaow!
I caught him
with the front.
He'll tell it
like he gave me
some kind of Bruce Lee crosskick
or somethin'.
I kicked the shit
out of him, man.
[screams]
[screams in slow motion]
The wind is knocked out of him.
And then he screams out...
Security!
-The one in the front,
he had crooked eyes and shit.
His one eye was lookin' at me.
The other one
was looking at Rick.
Rick had edged over
by the window.
Now, darkness,
the tables are turned.
Do with him whatever you like.
You motherfuckers
take one more step,
I'm kickin' this nigga out
the motherfuckin' window.
Bobby, freeze!
You know you was wrong
for what you did to me earlier.
Look what you did
to my face.
I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy.
It was an accident.
I was having too much fun.
I'll offer you a truce.
The stickiest of the icky.
You want to smoke
with the old boy, Rick James?
Yo, man, my forehead
is bumpin', man.
Now that you mention it,
I think I'm bleeding
inside my chest.
But I got the medicine.
Bitch, come over here
and have sex
with Charlie Murphy.
I'm Rick James, bitch.
That was how
that particular incident ended,
but it wasn't the last time
I had to whip his ass...
Whip his ass...
Whip his ass.
Don't you think
Charlie's a little old
to be taking Karate?
He probably takin' it
with the little kids.
Yeah, Charlie whipped my ass
in his dreams.
I told you, Charlie had
delusions of grandeur
in his head.
I'm telling you
what was happening.
I'm Rick James, bitch.
You guys at home,
stay comfortable,
because the whole episode's
gonna be just like this.
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show...
[cheers and applause]
♪ I'm going to
The Dave Chappelle show ♪
How's this?
[cheers and applause]
We're back with more
Chappelle's Show...
You know, folks,
I don't know if you guys
are just joining us,
but if you missed
the first act,
Charlie and Rick James are
in the midst of a conflict.
Let's see how the ongoing
Charlie and Rick James
feud develops.
The Studio 54 thing,
you know, that blew over,
you know what I'm saying?
But then, you know,
here we go again.
Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
[chuckles]
Rick is encouraging me.
You know, he shows up at
my brother's house fucked up.
Nice place, nigga.
So he had
these dirty cowboy boots on.
Pushing us out of the way,
barged in the house.
My brother had
these brand-new couches.
They were suede, right?
And he gets on the couch
and says...
Why don't I stretch out?
[laughs]
-And just started grinding mud
all into the couch, man.
Yeah, I remember
grinding my feet
into Eddie's couch.
-You remember why you did it?
Because Eddie
could buy another one.
Fuck your couch, nigga.
Buy another one,
you rich motherfucker.
Fuck yo' couch, nigga!
Fuck yo' couch!
Darkness's,
darknesse's...
'Cause of my complexion
he used to call me darkness.
He calls me
and my brother darkness.
He always says,
"Darkness brothers."
See, this is long before
Wesley Snipes.
Back then, we was the blackest
niggas on the planet
according to Rick James.
Eddie--both of them
were brother darkness.
Twin brother darkness.
-And we standing there,
looking at him,
and he's looking
right in our eyes
as he grinds his mud.
See, I never just did things
just to do them.
Come on, I mean,
what am I gonna do?
Just, all of a sudden,
just jump up and grind my feet
on somebody's couch
like it's, you know,
something to do?
Come on, I got a little
more sense than that.
Yeah, I remember grinding
my feet on Eddie's couch.
[tape rewinding]
see, I never just did things
just to do them.
Come on, I mean,
what am I gonna do?
Just, all of a sudden,
just jump up and grind my feet
on somebody's couch
like it's something to do?
Come on, I got a little
more sense than that.
Yeah, I remember grinding
my feet on Eddie's couch.
But then it was like,
"You know what?
Let's handle this."
We went over there...
- Hey, Charlie Murphy!
- And we held him down,
and we just wailed on his legs.
Aah!
Aah, you darkness...
You black, midnight
evil motherfucker!
Black magic, darkness!
You're all darkness!
You're fuckin'...
Delirious motherfucker...
Aah!
You are cold as ice.
- But still, Rick James,
even after taking
a beating like that...
Fuck yo' couch, nigga.
This motherfucker's goin' out.
His legs is like,
like, linguine.
I've been kicked out
of better homes than this!
I'll be back,
you black motherfuckers!
Wide-nose-havin' motherfuckers!
They should've never
gave you niggas money!
You don't know how
to appreciate shit!
You know you can
get another couch!
What am I gonna do
about my legs, Eddie Murphy!
My brother, you know,
he's a lot more compassionate
than I am.
He's looking and the Limo's
drivin' off, and he said,
"Wow, man,
Rick really needs help."
And I was like,
"Yo, we just gave him some help.
Bust his fuckin' ass and shit.
I bet you
he won't come over here
and disrespect
like that again."
Wrong.
We're talkin' about
Rick James, man.
Cocaine's a hell of a drug.
[chuckles]
I'm Rick James, bitch.
Don't go nowhere.
We'll be right back
with more of Charlie Murphy's
true Hollywood stories.
♪ Chappelle's Show. ♪
Better not bring your kids!
[cheers and applause]
Alright.
And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
it is time
for the dramatic conclusion
of Charlie Murphy's
true Hollywood stories.
I had to fuck him up at 54.
You know,
for what he did at 54,
I had to go to his hotel room
and kick the shit out of him.
Then he came over
to my brother's house,
and I had to whip his legs
because of what he did
on the couch.
I heard him tell a story
that he came
into the China Club one time
and I was behind the bar.
Now, this is true.
-This particular night,
I go over to the China Club,
and, um, I walk in,
and I'll never forget--
the first thing I seen
was OJ Simpson.
I remember thinking to myself,
"Wow, that's OJ Simpson!
He has a big fuckin' head, man."
And I walk from there,
I went in the other section,
and there's Rick behind the bar.
Drink up! Be merry!
Welcome to the China Club.
A China chung-chang,
a China chung-chung chang.
[laughs]
Rick's, you know, being Rick.
- Come on, baby,
show me your titties.
I'm Rick James.
Do something!
Mmm...
I wish I had more hands
so I could give those titties
four thumbs down.
[laughing]
I ain't realize
how high he was. Next thing you
know, he's like...
Charlie Murphy!
What's up, partner?
Darkness, everybody, darkness!
Everyone, darkness is spreading!
Come over here, Charlie.
I'm behind the bar
and I'm serving drinks,
and Charlie bends over.
I call out,
"Charlie, come here."
Charlie, there's a new joke
going around.
Have you heard it?
What did the five fingers
say to the face?
What?
Slap!
♪ Cold-blooded ♪
[laughing]
Bang, bang!
I'm Rick James, bitch!
Everybody, King Kong
ain't got shit on me!
-I'm standing there.
I'm thinking,
this nigga really has lost
his fuckin' mind.
First of all,
you don't slap a man.
[in slow motion]
Slap!
Okay?
I mean, even when slapping
was fashionable, you know,
they did it in Paris,
the guy would come up,
whap-whap--
"I challenge you to a duel!"
They would have a gun fight
after that.
Somebody had to go!
-I just was bugging out.
Anyway, I waited for
about five minutes,
something like that.
That's right, bitch.
That's right, bitch.
[laughs]
Ahh, darkness!
What's up, man?
Darkness!
Check it out.
I want to tell you somethin'.
Come here.
Oh, what's goin' on?
Ow!
-I slapped
the shit out of him.
Goddamn!
I came down on it
like this.
[in slow motion]
Ow!
Ah!
Goddamn.
His extensions was flyin'
all over the place.
That is absurd!
And he stepped back
and his eyes welled up
with water
like he was getting ready
to cry, and he said...
Why you hit me like that,
Charlie?
'Cause you hit me, man!
That was weeks ago,
motherfucker.
-I was partying!
- No, that was tonight!
-And I see that
he really forgot.
I hit you tonight?
Cocaine's a hell of a drug.
[chuckles]
I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy.
Come here, darkness.
Ha!
[laughs]
It's a celebration!
Bitches!
Come here.
It's a celebration, bitches.
Show Charlie Murphy
your titties.
I'm Rick James.
[laughs]
The milk's gone bad, Murphy.
That was the ebb and flow.
It was, you know--
he would go over the top,
and then I would, you know,
check him.
And then we would have fun
after that.
We're still friends,
as a matter of fact.
I love Charlie Murphy.
But we'd have it out, smacking
each other upside the heads,
smacking each other
in the face,
punching each other
in the chest,
kick each other.
[in slow motion]
- Fuck yo' couch, nigga!
Fuck yo' couch!
Ow!
They should've never
gave you niggas money!
Can you imagine
two grown men doing this?
Cocaine's a hell of a drug.
[chuckles]
I must be losing my mind.
Reminiscing about Charlie Murphy
come kicking my ass.
Ain't that a "b"?
- I'm Rick James, bitch.
[cheers and applause]
I would like to thank
Charlie Murphy,
I would like to thank
Rick James,
and I would like
to thank cocaine
for bringing us
such a crazy story.
I'm Dave Chappelle.
You're the best audience
in the world.
I'm out!
[cheers and applause]
- How does Rick James
pick up girls in the '80s?
How did I pick up girls
in the '80s?
I didn't have to say much.
Charlie had to go
through this whole thing.
"Uh, can I buy you a drink?
Uh... uh...
"What sign are you?
This is my friend Rick James.
We goin' to Rick James' house."
That's how Charlie picked up
girls after the drinking.
"We goin' over to Rick's house
after the club.
You want to come?"
♪ Now, tell me, brother ♪
[laughs]
Charlie used my name
to pick up girls.