Chappelle's Show (2003–2006): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript

Dave introduces The Love Contract and the first of Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories featuring Rick James. Musical guest Ludacris.

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Chappelle's Show ♪

♪ Oww ♪

♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪

♪ Woo-hoo ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Let's start the show.

[playing harmonica]

[man] You've just met

that special someone,

and you're letting

your desire for each other

take you to incredible heights.

But these days,

you can never be too sure

they aren't going to dispute

whether the sex was consensual.

- Mm, mm-- wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Before we go any further...

[man] Which is why this night

calls for the love contract.

-What's this?


It's just a document saying that

you're a willing participant

in this sexual experience, baby.

Well, I am.

- Just sign here and here...

And initial there for oral.


-I'ma do you too.


And just initial there

if you decline anal.

Unless, of course, you--

No, no, no,

it's not going down.

Pretty much standard.


I don't know about you,

but I'm still horny.

Let's do this, girl.


Oh, make me feel good!

[man] The love contract.

Because you'd hate

to catch a beef

for something

you know you didn't do.

And now...

- Yow!





Well, that didn't take

too long.

I know.

Just do me a favor, okay?

Don't tell anybody about this.

[man] From the makers

of the love contract

comes the confidentiality


Don't worry.

I'm not gonna tell anybody.

I know you won't,

or I'll sue your ass.


[man] Available at all Walbog's.

[man] Ladies and gentlemen,

Dave Chappelle!

Oh, boy!

Hey, everybody.

Hey, man.

Welcome to Chappelle's Show.

How about that love contract?

That might be a Hollywood joke,

you know.

Hollywood's a crazy place.

I don't know if you guys know

people that work in Hollywood

or talk to people--

There's a guy

that does sketches

on our show, Charlie Murphy.

He was, like, Tyree

in The Mad Real World.

That's Eddie Murphy's

older brother.

A lot of people

don't know that,

but he used to just tell us

stories at lunchtime

about being in Hollywood

that were so crazy.

And he told us one story

that was so good

we had to have him come here

and tell it

for you guys tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen,

make some noise--

Charlie Murphy's

true Hollywood stories.

[cheers and applause]

I get out the navy,

my brother's famous.

His fame is exploding.

I'm real proud of that,

you know what I mean?

I'm getting to hang out

with people

that I only read about

in magazines

and seen, you know,

on the screen somewhere.

I'm, like, standing

next to them

and being

at dinner tables with them

and, you know,

it was a bug-out, man.

You know,

I was a huge Rick James fan.

That's the first person

that I would say

out of all

the celebrities that I met

that I was star-struck.

We gonna hang out

with Rick James tonight,

you know what I'm saying?

And here he comes out the room,

when I look at him--

and I'm not

bullshitting you, man,

I seen, like,

like an orange--

his aura or whatever,

I seen it.

It was orange.

♪ Give it to me, baby ♪

♪ Give it to me, baby ♪

He started kicking it.

And he was

mad niggerish, man,

which was, you know,

right up my alley.

I'm one of the baddest

motherfuckers of all time.

I'm one of the best singers

and one of the best-lookin'

motherfuckers you've ever seen.

Hold my drink, bitch.

He'd walk up to any chick

and lick the whole side

of their face, man.

I'm Rick James, bitch.

Enjoy yourself.


We got closer,

started hanging out.

My brother didn't do

any of this shit.

So at night,

when Eddie would break out,

we would all be getting

crazy and wild.

And if I was hanging with Rick,

he had this thing with me

where he used to always,

like, fuck with me, man.

I don't know what started it.

Charlie, he was hanging out

with the big dogs, you know?

Charlie, he didn't know

he was doing crazy things

and I had to straighten him out.

Sometimes I had to go

upside his head.

Things escalated

to the point where, you know,

my man got too familiar

and I ended up having

to whip his ass, man,

you know, because,

you know, he would

step across the line.


He's a habitual line-stepper.

The first time, you know,

I had to end up

whipping his ass, uh...

We went to Studio 54.

We walkin' up

into the VIP section and, um,

I'm looking around

to see who's there

and lookin' at the girls

and everything.

And all of a sudden

I heard someone go...

Charlie Murphy!

That was...

♪ Cold-blooded ♪


He had this ring on

to commemorate this song

he had put out called Unity.

And this was imprinted

in that black head of his

for at least a week.

♪ Unity ♪

- Eddie and everybody else

thought that that was

the funniest shit.

And so that threw me in

a weird space,

'cause I'm like,

yeah, this is Rick James.

He's a star.

I'm Rick James, bitch.


This is a celebration, bitch.


- Maybe I'm overreacting.

I actually went there, like,

"Maybe I shouldn't do nothing."

But my ghetto side was goin',

"Yo, stomp this motherfucker

out right here.

What the fuck

is wrong with him?"

I drunk some wine

and I'm just getting started,



He totally

just wrote me off.

Like, I'm that nigga

to steal on,

you know what I'm sayin'?

What, he's gonna slap me back?

I'm Rick James.

He's Charlie Murphy.

- I waited, 'cause I knew

what hotel he was stayin' in.

Eddie and them went home

and I said,

"Yo, I'll be right back."

I shot over to the hotel,

went up to his room,

knocked on the door.

-So then he comes in there.

And I said,

"Look, bitch, I'm Rick James."

Smacked him.


Oh, Charlie Murphy!

-He had his head cocked

to throw another right hand.

When he was coming for it,

I just came--blaow!

I caught him

with the front.

He'll tell it

like he gave me

some kind of Bruce Lee crosskick

or somethin'.

I kicked the shit

out of him, man.


[screams in slow motion]

The wind is knocked out of him.

And then he screams out...


-The one in the front,

he had crooked eyes and shit.

His one eye was lookin' at me.

The other one

was looking at Rick.

Rick had edged over

by the window.

Now, darkness,

the tables are turned.

Do with him whatever you like.

You motherfuckers

take one more step,

I'm kickin' this nigga out

the motherfuckin' window.

Bobby, freeze!

You know you was wrong

for what you did to me earlier.

Look what you did

to my face.

I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy.

It was an accident.

I was having too much fun.

I'll offer you a truce.

The stickiest of the icky.

You want to smoke

with the old boy, Rick James?

Yo, man, my forehead

is bumpin', man.

Now that you mention it,

I think I'm bleeding

inside my chest.

But I got the medicine.

Bitch, come over here

and have sex

with Charlie Murphy.

I'm Rick James, bitch.

That was how

that particular incident ended,

but it wasn't the last time

I had to whip his ass...

Whip his ass...

Whip his ass.

Don't you think

Charlie's a little old

to be taking Karate?

He probably takin' it

with the little kids.

Yeah, Charlie whipped my ass

in his dreams.

I told you, Charlie had

delusions of grandeur

in his head.

I'm telling you

what was happening.

I'm Rick James, bitch.

You guys at home,

stay comfortable,

because the whole episode's

gonna be just like this.

We'll be right back

with more Chappelle's Show...

[cheers and applause]

♪ I'm going to

The Dave Chappelle show ♪

How's this?

[cheers and applause]

We're back with more

Chappelle's Show...

You know, folks,

I don't know if you guys

are just joining us,

but if you missed

the first act,

Charlie and Rick James are

in the midst of a conflict.

Let's see how the ongoing

Charlie and Rick James

feud develops.

The Studio 54 thing,

you know, that blew over,

you know what I'm saying?

But then, you know,

here we go again.

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.


Rick is encouraging me.

You know, he shows up at

my brother's house fucked up.

Nice place, nigga.

So he had

these dirty cowboy boots on.

Pushing us out of the way,

barged in the house.

My brother had

these brand-new couches.

They were suede, right?

And he gets on the couch

and says...

Why don't I stretch out?


-And just started grinding mud

all into the couch, man.

Yeah, I remember

grinding my feet

into Eddie's couch.

-You remember why you did it?

Because Eddie

could buy another one.

Fuck your couch, nigga.

Buy another one,

you rich motherfucker.

Fuck yo' couch, nigga!

Fuck yo' couch!



'Cause of my complexion

he used to call me darkness.

He calls me

and my brother darkness.

He always says,

"Darkness brothers."

See, this is long before

Wesley Snipes.

Back then, we was the blackest

niggas on the planet

according to Rick James.

Eddie--both of them

were brother darkness.

Twin brother darkness.

-And we standing there,

looking at him,

and he's looking

right in our eyes

as he grinds his mud.

See, I never just did things

just to do them.

Come on, I mean,

what am I gonna do?

Just, all of a sudden,

just jump up and grind my feet

on somebody's couch

like it's, you know,

something to do?

Come on, I got a little

more sense than that.

Yeah, I remember grinding

my feet on Eddie's couch.

[tape rewinding]

see, I never just did things

just to do them.

Come on, I mean,

what am I gonna do?

Just, all of a sudden,

just jump up and grind my feet

on somebody's couch

like it's something to do?

Come on, I got a little

more sense than that.

Yeah, I remember grinding

my feet on Eddie's couch.

But then it was like,

"You know what?

Let's handle this."

We went over there...

- Hey, Charlie Murphy!

- And we held him down,

and we just wailed on his legs.


Aah, you darkness...

You black, midnight

evil motherfucker!

Black magic, darkness!

You're all darkness!

You're fuckin'...

Delirious motherfucker...


You are cold as ice.

- But still, Rick James,

even after taking

a beating like that...

Fuck yo' couch, nigga.

This motherfucker's goin' out.

His legs is like,

like, linguine.

I've been kicked out

of better homes than this!

I'll be back,

you black motherfuckers!

Wide-nose-havin' motherfuckers!

They should've never

gave you niggas money!

You don't know how

to appreciate shit!

You know you can

get another couch!

What am I gonna do

about my legs, Eddie Murphy!

My brother, you know,

he's a lot more compassionate

than I am.

He's looking and the Limo's

drivin' off, and he said,

"Wow, man,

Rick really needs help."

And I was like,

"Yo, we just gave him some help.

Bust his fuckin' ass and shit.

I bet you

he won't come over here

and disrespect

like that again."


We're talkin' about

Rick James, man.

Cocaine's a hell of a drug.


I'm Rick James, bitch.

Don't go nowhere.

We'll be right back

with more of Charlie Murphy's

true Hollywood stories.

♪ Chappelle's Show. ♪

Better not bring your kids!

[cheers and applause]


And now,

ladies and gentlemen,

it is time

for the dramatic conclusion

of Charlie Murphy's

true Hollywood stories.

I had to fuck him up at 54.

You know,

for what he did at 54,

I had to go to his hotel room

and kick the shit out of him.

Then he came over

to my brother's house,

and I had to whip his legs

because of what he did

on the couch.

I heard him tell a story

that he came

into the China Club one time

and I was behind the bar.

Now, this is true.

-This particular night,

I go over to the China Club,

and, um, I walk in,

and I'll never forget--

the first thing I seen

was OJ Simpson.

I remember thinking to myself,

"Wow, that's OJ Simpson!

He has a big fuckin' head, man."

And I walk from there,

I went in the other section,

and there's Rick behind the bar.

Drink up! Be merry!

Welcome to the China Club.

A China chung-chang,

a China chung-chung chang.


Rick's, you know, being Rick.

- Come on, baby,

show me your titties.

I'm Rick James.

Do something!


I wish I had more hands

so I could give those titties

four thumbs down.


I ain't realize

how high he was. Next thing you

know, he's like...

Charlie Murphy!

What's up, partner?

Darkness, everybody, darkness!

Everyone, darkness is spreading!

Come over here, Charlie.

I'm behind the bar

and I'm serving drinks,

and Charlie bends over.

I call out,

"Charlie, come here."

Charlie, there's a new joke

going around.

Have you heard it?

What did the five fingers

say to the face?



♪ Cold-blooded ♪


Bang, bang!

I'm Rick James, bitch!

Everybody, King Kong

ain't got shit on me!

-I'm standing there.

I'm thinking,

this nigga really has lost

his fuckin' mind.

First of all,

you don't slap a man.

[in slow motion]



I mean, even when slapping

was fashionable, you know,

they did it in Paris,

the guy would come up,


"I challenge you to a duel!"

They would have a gun fight

after that.

Somebody had to go!

-I just was bugging out.

Anyway, I waited for

about five minutes,

something like that.

That's right, bitch.

That's right, bitch.


Ahh, darkness!

What's up, man?


Check it out.

I want to tell you somethin'.

Come here.

Oh, what's goin' on?


-I slapped

the shit out of him.


I came down on it

like this.

[in slow motion]




His extensions was flyin'

all over the place.

That is absurd!

And he stepped back

and his eyes welled up

with water

like he was getting ready

to cry, and he said...

Why you hit me like that,


'Cause you hit me, man!

That was weeks ago,


-I was partying!

- No, that was tonight!

-And I see that

he really forgot.

I hit you tonight?

Cocaine's a hell of a drug.


I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy.

Come here, darkness.



It's a celebration!


Come here.

It's a celebration, bitches.

Show Charlie Murphy

your titties.

I'm Rick James.


The milk's gone bad, Murphy.

That was the ebb and flow.

It was, you know--

he would go over the top,

and then I would, you know,

check him.

And then we would have fun

after that.

We're still friends,

as a matter of fact.

I love Charlie Murphy.

But we'd have it out, smacking

each other upside the heads,

smacking each other

in the face,

punching each other

in the chest,

kick each other.

[in slow motion]

- Fuck yo' couch, nigga!

Fuck yo' couch!


They should've never

gave you niggas money!

Can you imagine

two grown men doing this?

Cocaine's a hell of a drug.


I must be losing my mind.

Reminiscing about Charlie Murphy

come kicking my ass.

Ain't that a "b"?

- I'm Rick James, bitch.

[cheers and applause]

I would like to thank

Charlie Murphy,

I would like to thank

Rick James,

and I would like

to thank cocaine

for bringing us

such a crazy story.

I'm Dave Chappelle.

You're the best audience

in the world.

I'm out!

[cheers and applause]

- How does Rick James

pick up girls in the '80s?

How did I pick up girls

in the '80s?

I didn't have to say much.

Charlie had to go

through this whole thing.

"Uh, can I buy you a drink?

Uh... uh...

"What sign are you?

This is my friend Rick James.

We goin' to Rick James' house."

That's how Charlie picked up

girls after the drinking.

"We goin' over to Rick's house

after the club.

You want to come?"

♪ Now, tell me, brother ♪


Charlie used my name

to pick up girls.